Kirk Demarais's Blog, page 5

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW # 8: Chamber of Horrors

 
Title: Chamber of HorrorsManufacturer: Tony (U.S.A.) Inc.Year: 1988 Total Runtime: 45 Min Repeats on both sides: Yes (but not on the earliest version) Stories: No Music: It kicks off with a familiar pop song. Then the jazz fusion takes over. Narration: No (but there is on the earliest version) Distinct Audio: A man who sounds like he lacks personal boundaries yells “Happy Halloween!” many times.
Review: Chamber of Horrors leaves behind the gasps and growls of Halloween tradition. Instead it hurls a jumbled audio assault on the listener. It’s impossible to determine whether this approach is an act of apathy, or if it’s a brilliant take on the psychological horror genre. Either way it makes you feel like your brain is dripping from your ear holes.The bulk of the audio came from other sources. There’s a good chance it was stolen, because I’m going to assume that very few lawyers were involved in the making of this this tape. Other than the “Happy Halloween!” voice over, there are three components repeated on the record. The first is a short, instrumental sound-alike of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Playing on top of that is a sequence from the popular Thriller/Chiller Sound Effects album. Lastly, and this is the real head-scratcher, they use a huge chunk of the 1973 song ‘Firebird/Birds Of Fire’ by Jazz artist Don Sebesky. This is not just a standard jazz ditty. It’s a bird themed medley that mashes up a clip from Igor Stravinsky’s 1920 ballet ‘Firebird’ with a jazz rock cover of the song 'Birds of Fire,' originally performed by Mahavishnu Orchestra. (That single sentence represents over two hours of research.)The end result is a flat out freakout.

With such chaotic content it's hard to fathom how they came up with the perfect artwork.  It's simple, if I want some joy, I look at it. If I want more joy, I look at it again.The continual stream of Ebay listings suggest that this was a very popular tape. Or maybe it wasn’t popular at all considering most of them are still sealed in their original packages thirty years later. There is a variation of this album that’s super rare. The only evidence of its existence that I’ve seen is a seven year old post by a user named SIYS on a Halloween forum. The variant has an alternate side 2 called “The Haunting: A Horror Story.”



The track is a narrated audio tour of different horrible places. It reminds me of side one of Spooky Tales and Scary Sounds, but the musical score gives it a greater sense of urgency. According to a lone comment on a deleted YouTube video, "The Haunting" proved too scary for kids and was removed. (This follows in the great tradition of “too scary” legends like the Hatbox Ghost, and the un-finishable haunted house.) Two years later Tony (U.S.A.) Inc. released a completely different cassette (review to come) with the exact same title because they wanted to make life a baffling ordeal.

My only criticism is that Chamber of Horrors is so incoherent that it doesn't naturally feel like Halloween. So last Halloween I remedied this by blaring it out my window all evening, forcing a Pavlovian association between the tape and the holiday. I suggest you do the same.Rating: 4 of 5
(For more Chamber of Horrors thoughts and discussion, see the 2014 post on Dinosaur Dracula.)





The most common of the various types of packaging for Chamber of Horrors

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #7: Horror at the Graveyard

 

Title: Horror at the Graveyard
Manufacturer: Madacy
Year: 1994
Total Runtime: 30 Min
Repeats on both sides: No
Stories: One. Any more would be a waste.
Music: It has its own theme that sounds a bit like the "Phantom of the Opera" theme in places, only this one is literally a thousand times better.
Narration: Yes, some of the greatest narrating ever put to tape.
Distinct Audio: It's all unforgettable.
Review: As promised in the title, side one of Horror at the Graveyard is a first person account of a strange graveyard encounter. The uncredited narrator uses the universal low, breathy campfire story voice (with some audio processing) to share his bewildering experience in the cemetery. This twelve minute segment is a wonderful piece of art. I can't think of anything else that's given me the chills and laughter in the same moment, but that's how my body responded the first time I heard the narrator reveal the reason for the entire horrific ordeal (at the 12:33 mark in the video below.)

While side one is the real treasure here, the soundscape on side two is above average. It’s full of savagery and unnerving human noises. But I usually just listen to side one again.

Rating: 5 of 5

Someone has taken the liberty of adding a slide show to the original audio (Warning: gross picture inside)...

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #6: Spooky Noises of Halloween

Title: Spooky Noises of Halloween
Manufacturer: Downtime Broadcasting 
Year: 1988
Total Runtime: 30 min
Repeats on both sides: No
Stories: The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
Music: Bach’s "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" and various organ music. Spacey synths come in during the second half.
Narration: No
Distinct Audio: Not really
Review:  It seems that Downtime Broadcasting (an outfit that released a few Christmas albums) used Haunted Horror:Terror on Tape as a basis for Spooky Noises of Halloween. Then, in order to give it their personal touch (or perhaps mask stolen audio) they piled on more noises and music. It sounds like they were limited to a stock effects library, grabbing anything loosely considered frightful. So it’s heavy on animals and weather as opposed to monsters and ghosts. The album is muddy, and randomly placed effects get overcrowded. The organ music that underscores everything seems out of place, but it's fun to imagine a church sanctuary with all kinds of crazy stuff going down. Near the end there are some flowery melodies that may have been left there by accident.

The real story here is the assortment of corporate logos on the cover. What sort of board meetings, paper trails, and conference calls are behind this thing? Adding to the complexity is the fact that there are two variations of this tape. One gives top billing to Hook’s Dependable Drug Stores, and the other features a logo for Pay ‘N Save, a Northwestern retailer. (Both businesses closed down in the early ‘90s.) Hallmark had several Halloween cassette promotions that likely paved the way for American Greetings sponsorship, but the Pepsi connection is mysterious. This was orchestrated by either the greatest, or worst marketing firm of the 1980s. The awesome Frankenstein cassette on the cover is the perfect metaphor for this whole conglomeration.
Rating: 2 of 5

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #5: Haunted Horror Sounds

 

Title: Haunted Horror Sounds
Manufacturer: Forum Novelties
Year: 1993
Total Runtime: 30 min (the CD version is 60 min)
Repeats on both sides: No
Stories: No
Music: The album opens with a theme followed by recurring organ music. Occasional synth notes, chimes, and piano chords.
Narration: No
Distinct Audio: It’s drenched in organ music.
Review: If I traveled with a carnival, and operated my own semi-trailer spook house, there’s a good chance that I’d blast this album over my PA system. It’s well produced, it’s consistent, and it features a densely layered soundscape made up of a variety of effects, so it never feels too repetitive. If I’m taking tickets in front of my dark ride for hours on end, this is important. Haunted Horror Sounds contains no detracting dialogue, or oddball effects so it never demands too much attention. It can blend into the atmosphere, enhancing the masterfully painted scenes of terror on the side panels of my dark ride.

The Gothic church organ is one of the most misused features of Halloween tapes. Volume slider abuse is all too common, so is tossing in a public domain recording of ‘Toccata and Fugue in D minor.’ On Haunted Horror Sounds the music sounds intentional, and may have been recorded specifically for this album! If organ music isn’t your thing, then steer clear of this one. But in this case it keeps the energy up, even for those standing in the long and profitable line to get inside my haunted attraction.

One reason this recording stands above many of the others is because it was produced by the capable hands of Forum Novelties.They’ve been around since the 1980s and are still operational today. It’s possible that they had more resources than the standard fly-by-night Halloween tape makers. One of the company’s biggest assets was the anonymous artist that created the eye-grabbing red-cloaked ghoul on the package. I think a business whose livelihood depends on selling gorilla suits, pranks, and gag gifts is going to have an inherent understanding of what makes a solid Halloween tape. These things may seem unrelated on the surface, but they are connected on a level that’s beyond what the human mind can grasp.
Rating: 4 of 5

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #4: Spooky Tales and Scary Sounds

Title: Spooky Tales and Scary Sounds
Manufacturer: Holly Music
Year: 1993
Total Runtime: 1 Hour
Repeats on both sides: No
Stories: Narrated vignettes provide a loose narrative
Music: Incidental music throughout, “Toccata and Fugue in D minor”
Narration: Yes
Distinct Audio: Includes both a standard narrator, and a vampire narrator.
Review: When it comes to Halloween sound effects, there are three approaches: lone effects played individually, a soundscape of combined effects, and narrated soundscapes of combined effects. The preferred technique depends on what you’re using the tape for. As someone who doesn’t do a lot of sound editing, to me the least practical are the isolated sounds. Even if I were a sound engineer I couldn’t use them legally for anything other than home movies or amateur recordings. Those of us who are into Halloween tapes, the future Romeros and Carpenters, think way bigger than that.

The standalone soundscapes are more useful; a resource to turn to when you must spook-ify your event, living room, or drive to work.  However, if you’re in the mood to hit play, sit back, and actively listen to something eerie, these can feel unfocused, making it all too easy to drift back into the real world. (Although there are plenty of people who do enjoy Halloween soundscapes this way.) That’s when the narrated soundscape is the best option. The guide gives you context to the surrounding terror-phonics. They weave simple noises into a memorable journey.

Spooky Tales and Scary Sounds covers two of the three approaches to sound effect albums. The title is misleading because the album doesn’t include campfire ghost stories, or Edgar Allan Poe. Side one consists of nine different classic settings: a mausoleum, a vampire’s castle, and a torture chamber to name a few. A tour guide leads you along, providing backstories to each area. He even keeps the listener alive with warnings of various dangers. Side two plays a long list of effects, one by one. Each is announced dramatically which is a small luxury that prevents one from having to constantly refer to the track listing.

Production values are high, the content is original, and it’s lengthy enough that the entire second side practically seems like bonus material. Some segments are more gruesome than the cover art would suggest. Nor does the art match the level of professionalism within, but it’s just so endearing (and the Brush Script font will always have my adoration.) My copy of this tape came from Kmart, which is exactly where it should have come from.
Rating: 5 of 5

Below is the audio with a different cover image. This playlist is better quality, but it's missing the introduction.

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #3: Haunted Horror: Terror on Tape

Title: Haunted Horror: Terror on TapeManufacturer: LHL ProductionsYear: 1980        Total Runtime: 60 MinRepeats on both sides: No (But it may loop at some point)
Stories: NoMusic: Opens with ‘Toccata and Fugue in D Minor,” and organ music is scattered throughout. In places there’s some synth that sounds like the end of Steve Miller’s “Fly Like an Eagle.”
Narration: NoDistinct Audio: They throw a cooing baby into the mix several times.
Review: While the 1970s offered a slew of Halloween sounds on vinyl, Haunted Horror: Terror on Tape was ahead of the scary cassette biz which didn't get crowded until about 1987. Terror on Tape seems to be designed to take advantage of its format. In a world before the “repeat” button the owner could forget about it for a half hour at a time. This was the workhorse you needed when your attention was focused on personalized porch scares. The downside to its length is that there are a lot of recurring effects.
  The recording creates an atmosphere that’s broad and consistent. So your victims won’t encounter corny dialogue, or detracting scenes of say, cat torture that can ruin the tension. The theme weaving it all together is chaos. At its best it’s frantic and unexpected, although sometimes things get overloaded, as if someone sat on the soundboard. There’s plenty to catch the listener off guard. Is that an acid bath? What sort of thing just attacked her? Do I hear a happy infant in a ghoul-infested graveyard? There are some effects that are completely unidentifiable, but I consider that an added feature.
  The typeface on the cassette is a thing of beauty. I don't even care that they may have lifted the style from The Haunted Mansion story album. Also beautiful is this promotional image that we can enjoy thanks to the Sweet Skulls blog...

Rating: Cassette-4 of 5, Promotional art- 5 of 5

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #2: Thriller/Chiller Sound Effects

Title: Thriller/Chiller Sound EffectsManufacturer: Fun WorldYear: 1988Total Runtime: 45 minRepeats on both sides: Yes (and then some)Stories: NoMusic: Funeral march repeats multiple timesNarration: NoDistinct Audio: An innocent sounding cat meows several times followed by someone yelling “Boo!” There’s also a recurring ambulance siren.Review: This tape was everywhere. I own four copies, though I only bought one of them on purpose. In the late 1980s a Faustian deal was struck with the biggest retail chains in the country. As a result, a Legion of these cassettes were produced and shoveled into stores across the nation. The upside to this is that Thriller/Chiller Sound Effects now stands as a great unifier among Halloween lovers. Sadly, it’s a low effort release by almost any standard.
When it comes to sound fidelity, Thriller/Chiller manages to sound both muffled and shrill. It’s like the audio is coming from a metal raccoon trap that’s buried under a pile of blankets. It warbles and reverberates like it’s a third or fourth generation dub. (I suppose it could be argued that the distorted qualities are welcome on a scary record.) But it’s unforgivable crime is that the tape consists of a single four minute track repeated over and over and over. Not only does it loop, the loops are out of sync. Eventually you hear the same track carelessly piled on top of itself three or four times, creating an echo chamber of buyer’s remorse.
The title is a cheap grab at the seminal, best-selling Halloween recording, Disney’s Thrilling Chilling Sounds of the Haunted House. I’m guessing it was a plot to get buyers to confuse the two. Fun World unleashed even more confusion when they used the same title for an entirely different album (Review to come.) To further complicate things, most of Thriller/Chiller’s effects also show up on a tape called Chamber of Horrors (Review to come.)
The cassette itself is made from the cheapest possible materials. There’s no plastic case, or illustration. The stickers fall off. Yet despite all its shortcomings, for many people this is the quintessential Halloween sound effects album because this is the one they bought— because it was everywhere.Rating: 1 of 5

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #1: Haunted Halloween: Spooky Sounds to Chill Your Bones

In the 1980s and ‘90s orange audio tapes cascaded down the edges of the best Halloween aisles. They were wonderfully cheap, and the portable format ensured that scary sounds could be heard wherever they were needed the most. The new technology meant that a boombox could replace the precarious “loudspeaker propped in an open window” technique.

With all the power of an ancient muse, these cassettes inspired would-be projects, events, and fantasies in the minds of shoppers. A collection of eerie sound effects could be the basis of a spooky porch display— no, a garage haunted house— no, an independent horror film! The track list of Halloween songs conjured visions of the party of the century. Everyone’s there thrilling to a cover of the Monster Mash: friends, neighbors, and your future spouse.

Averaging about two dollars, an impulse buy was irresistible. However, hitting such a price point meant that manufacturers had to cut corners. The cassettes were often treated with little dignity; considered disposable goods to be trashed on November 1st alongside empty tubes of vampire blood. They tested the conventional wisdom that tape consumers had a right to protective plastic cases. Furthermore, no case meant that no printed sleeve was necessary.

 At their most generic, the graphics were reduced to black type on an orange void. Though disappointing at the time, this style has an iconic quality today. When artwork was used, the craftsmanship varied wildly. Masters and flunkies were both granted equal footage in the seasonal music bin. At their best, the covers capture the essence of Halloween and enhance the recording within.

The recorded content should be the most important factor, but the manufacturers sure didn’t seem to think so. Audio was reused, rehashed, resold under different titles, and outright stolen.  In many cases the recording seemed like an afterthought, a necessary component to fulfill an item number and a catalog listing that was spewed out during a marketing meeting back in February. I find it endlessly amusing that werewolf growls and demon screeches have been commodified.

The true origins of the sounds are largely mysterious (with a handful of exceptions.) It’s a secret that can still hide in the information age thanks to an industry-wide policy of not bothering with printed credits. Most of the recording sessions sound small, personal, and perhaps shameful for those involved. The work of the anonymous recording artists strikes a balance between utility and artistry, between accident and greatness.

In the pre-internet age, there was no hope of knowing what awaited you on that coiled brown ribbon until you popped it in your own tape deck. However, a low quality production didn’t necessarily tarnish the buyers’ delight.  Most of us were paying for the superhuman ability to play creepy sounds at the touch of a button. The ‘user experience’ was also determined by a host of factors including: age, imagination, patience, scare-ability, and interest in general spookiness.

Even if a tape was lackluster, its personal value skyrocketed once it became part of an annual outdoor display, or a backdrop to your Key Club spookhouse. There were also those who ignored the implied ‘soundtrack to an event’ function, and enjoyed them as standalone entertainment. Many listeners created their own virtual reality in the darkness of their bedroom, poring over the soundscapes, trying to decipher the story behind the aural clues. Screams and howls were burned into memories like melodies.

Cassette-era Halloween recordings are still fondly remembered by those who have stayed alive long enough, but the details grow more obscure with each passing year. Most albums have managed the transition to the online realm, but information is scattered and debated, leaving a trail of broken image links and reported Mediafire uploads. (This sentence is only several years away from being ironic, when future web surfers find my own posts full of missing photos and deleted youtube videos.)

This year I’ve developed an uncontrollable urge to sort out the mysterious world of vintage Halloween cassette tapes. I bought my share back in the day, but the last couple of years have found me scouring ebay for the sake of my growing archive. At best, they transport me back to that discount store aisle of costumes and decorations. Sometimes they project scenes of delicious spookiness directly on my mind’s eye. But the sheer hours of effects that I’ve amassed have presented me with a dark, repetitive forest that requires patience and time to navigate.

The names of these albums are practically interchangeable. It’s tough to distinguish Halloween Sounds of Horror from Haunted Horror Sounds from Haunted Halloween and simply Haunted Horror. I also have Sounds of Halloween and THE Sounds of Halloween and two different version of The Horrible Sounds of Halloween.

Between now and Halloween I will classify and review at least two dozen old Halloween tapes. Determining which are the best is impossible because the answer to that question is, “the one that you grew up with.” However, I will do my best to bring some clarity and order to this harrowing subject. Let's begin...

Name: Haunted Halloween: Spooky Sounds to Chill Your Bones
Manufacturer: Dove Audio
Year: 1991
Total Runtime: 46 min
Repeats on both sides: Yes
Stories: No
Music: It starts with a strong synthesized melody that would be at home in horror films of the 1980s. Various music enhances most of the recording.
Narration: A few statements, i.e. ”If you enter this house you may never come out alive."
Distinct Audio: A recurring voice that’s satisfyingly low, and processed in a creepy way.
Review: Haunted Halloween’s greatest strength is its cinematic influence. The effects are relatively subtle; no torture chambers, explosions, or wolf attacks. Instead it follows horror movie pacing, creating a sense of suspense, as opposed to the mishmash of cackles and howls found on most Halloween tapes. It’s like someone’s watching the Late, Late Show in the next room as your mind forms its own plot.

It’s impressive that this is the only release from Dove Audio that isn’t an audiobook. They put out several dozen titles between 1986 and 1998 from authors such as Douglas Adams, Stephen King and Al Gore. The artwork, credited to Alstrom/Pena Design, is some of the best there is. The cover is expertly rendered and is directly inspired by the content. (The Glass Houses typeface is always the correct choice.) It’s rare for this level of professionalism to make its way into the Halloween tape bin. Their audiobook mindset is most evident at the end of the tape when the demonic voice announces the producer credits and shares a toll free number for catalog requests.
Rating: 5 of 5 

MORE THAN YOU CARE TO KNOW ABOUT MY HALLOWEEN SEASON

What follows is a sprawling account of my 2016 Halloween season. I don't think I included enough jokes to make it super entertaining, but at least its a thorough document. It's a disjointed collection of thoughts that amount to the story of one man's focused, and sometimes frustrating attempt to enjoy Halloween at a new capacity.

Last May I was mowing my front yard when I involuntarily said, "I'm ready for Halloween."Such an early craving was unusual even for me. At the time I had just made a close-yet-failed attempt at joining the full time workforce again. Following this defeat a crop of opportunities popped up that my freelancer instincts could not resist. I seemed to forget that in the summer I take on the full time roll of content provider for my son, a job that usually requires dozens of government workers. It also happens that my wife's profession goes into overdrive during those months. An August-long head cold (or something) added another layer to my challenge. Summer was unrelenting. It did not relent. You could say it was relentless. Many times I said it and thought it, "I'm ready for Halloween."
September arrived. The decision to begin one's Halloween season two months before October 31st is a controversial one. Does prolonged celebration diminish the impact of the season? Can September even feel like Halloween?  That's the one I had trouble with this year. Philosophically, I was all for a September 1st kick-off, but despite my yearning to dive into the orange and black it was the hot weather that presented a psychological barrier.
Thanks to my ability to overthink something so petty I discovered a mental workaround for the frustration. I simply designated September as "Pre-Halloween" season. It's an obvious concept, but I'd never consciously viewed it that way before. Typing up this thought process for public consumption feels like an intimate, even embarrassing act. But it was a crucial part of my quest to fully savor this time of year. Henceforth, September, or Pre-Halloween, shall be a time set aside for leisurely preparation and anticipation. It reminds me of a memorable quote from The Simpsons of all things, "To the most beautiful moment in life, Better than a deed, better than a memory, the moment... of anticipation!"
In the second week of September I traveled to Tulsa, Oklahoma to meet a friend who runs a traveling antique show. Saturdays in Tulsa are not complete without a visit to the Tulsa Flea Market, a weekly gathering that takes place in the heart of my nostalgia, former home to the Phantasmagoria dark ride— the fairgrounds. Navigating through an acre of junk-covered tables while breathing the scent of fresh popcorn was already getting me high when I noticed glowing orange lights dotting the rows of vendors. The Halloween stuff was out!
I had taken mental inventory of a blow molded ghost and a set of masks before I spotted a familiar design. It was a vacuform graveyard scene that I'd last seen on a store shelf when I was in second grade. At the time it was a strong contender for my allowance money, but ultimately I left it behind. Not this time.

No summer weather could stop this decoration from drilling straight into a deep fount of Halloween memories. These are the moments that nostalgia junkies like myself are always searching for, often fearing that we've exhausted them all. This object is a bridge to my young self, not just standing in an aisle of fresh Halloween product, but also standing in a new school semester, with new weather, new classmates, new television shows, new book orders, new events, and new Christmas wishbooks. It's the realization that Fall isn't so great because it contains Halloween, rather, Halloween is great because it happens during the Fall. Ironically, Spring, with it's many endings (and terrifying tornado sirens) can never offer the sense of renewal that Autumn has.
(For the record, the decoration was made by "Empire Seasonal Division," and there were at least two other designs. I saw these on ebay...)

In late September the preparations continued, and by that I mean I bought more stuff. One can only stare at a wall decoration so long so I set out to find some cheap and spooky media. The 8-film Horror pack for five bucks fit my needs (the one with Chopping Mall, C.H.U.D. II, and Waxwork). Also meeting my requirements were some choice items from Oldies.com, a favorite storehouse of discontinued stock where I picked up Halloween Scream (1993), a slapped together collection of early computer animation from the Mind's Eye series. I also got a childhood favorite Witches Night Out, as well as Nancy Kerrigan's Halloween On Ice, a 1996 extravaganza in which Kerrigan choreographed a routine to John Carpenter's Halloween theme that involves dozens of skeleton ice skaters. (The DVD dealt a crushing blow by omitting this particular performance! Lets hope for a complete Criterion edition blu-ray). Anyway, I also found some nifty mail-order inspired lounge pants!


Dollar Tree provided this charming zombie/haunted tree/skull cave scene that features a solar-powered flying bat...



 I displayed a couple spooky LPs I found within the last year (the two on the right)...




Lastly, I expanded my collection of Halloween audio tapes. I will likely give these a separate post at some point. There's one called Haunted Mansion Cassette Tape that's given me little jolts of joy ever since I hung it up months ago. The natural (hedonistic, materialistic, greedy) thing to do was seek out more of this pleasure with more tapes. My set of four inspired me to update my pegboard display with a spooky theme.

 
I realize its a bit skeleton and skull heavy, but that's a problem I'm willing to live with.
When I wasn't on ebay I frequented DinosaurDracula.com, a site run by a man who has shunned all criticism surrounding premature Halloween celebration. On top of his cavalcade of Halloween posts, Matt started a late night forum for spooky discussion. Participating in these was yet another way for me to stoke the Halloween spirit. Among the topics were things like 'first horror film' and 'scandalous video tape covers,' but one of my favorites was 'local legends.' I had a lot to say on the matter...

"...One that stuck with me came from an overheard conversation that my mom was having. (The same lady who professed nearly every classic urban legend in the book, from the lady with the beehive hairdo full of spider eggs, to ankle slashing gangs, to the kid who tried on a coat and got bit by a snake hiding in the lining.) She was talking about a prominent missionary who made a series of audio tapes based on his experience exorcising demons in third world countries. These supposedly included actual recordings from exorcisms. 

The series of sermons was on a collection of a dozen cassettes, and they were available only to those professionals who might need to deal with real demons. The thing is, the missionary gradually revealed information to the listener in controlled increments. The listener HAD to listen to them IN PROPER ORDER to build up an understanding and immunity to the powerful spiritual truths. BUT what if someone happened to pop in cassette twelve WITHOUT hearing the eleven previous tapes in order?... They would literally go INSANE!

My mind struggled to imagine what that tape sounded like (it probably sounded like the Hell scene in Event Horizon) and how horrible it would be to accidentally pop that final tape in my boom box. Chills!"
_______

I was also reminded of the way that Halloween manifested in my teen years. It seemed to intensify as I grew up. The 'Satanic Panic' emerged just as I was coming of age...

"I distinctly remember that the panic in my area kicked in the day after this Geraldo Rivera special. (One of the murders wasn't too far from where I lived.) After that, there were local warnings about a nearby lake where it was said that Satanists blocked the road with fallen trees. If you approached them, they would cut down a tree behind you and trap you, and you were done for. There was talk about a white hearse that drove around town with tinted glass windows. Someone supposedly got up close and saw a bloody pig's head in the back. There were rumors about rituals in a local party spot called Acid Field. Same goes for a place called Zero Mountain.

Funny thing is, all of these warnings backfired, and life became very exciting for my friends and me. We were just old enough to drive, so every place on the 'do not go' list turned into a potential adventure for us. I investigated Acid Field, and Zero Mountain (which wasn't close) and the lake with the fallen trees (and we actually saw some!). It felt like suddenly there were adversaries all around us, and we were the heroes ready to shed light on their evil. It was thrilling.

And then there was the rumor of the Halloween haunted house that was a couple towns over. It was said to be a multi-level deal with a huge admission fee. However, if you were brave enough to make it, your money would be refunded, ten dollars for each level passed. But nobody could actually make it to the end on account of it was so terrifying. When the internet came along I discovered that this was a nationwide legend that I had put my total faith into. I love that my little town was so privy to so many national legends. The latest fashions and fads passed us by, but if you're talking misinformation, this place was a sponge, and my little world got very interesting."
_______

One of the Dinosaur Dracula topics was '2016 Halloween to-do lists.' I was way ahead of them. This year the stakes were too high to go wandering into the season without a game plan. My list seemed unrealistic as I typed it up, yet somehow I've fulfilled about 95% of it with a few days remaining. I've pasted it below, however, you might want to skip it for now because I'm about to elaborate on it item by item.
HALLOWEEN LIST 20161. Go to the Halloween festival (and buy another skull mug)2. See a scary movie in the theater
3. Repair my light-up decorations
4. Make my Halloween mood table5. Put up some exterior decorations (for the first time!)6. Drive on a highway I've never driven on and visit some towns I've never been to7. Play Left 4 Dead 2, and Dead Space games
8. Keep reading IT
9. Rent horror DVDs from the video store
10. Watch my pre-selected Halloween VHS pile
11. Have a horror on VHS party12. Create something with a Halloween theme, blog post or otherwise13. Walk around at night listening to spooky music14. On Halloween: go Trick or Treat, hand out candy, eat pizza, watch the new Ghostbusters

1. Go to the Halloween festival (and buy another skull mug)On the last day of September I finished a relatively involved freelance job that had been lingering all summer long. During the final leg of the project I got an email from a potential client offering one of those 'week-long, drop everything and work fourteen hours a day' jobs. They even offered a special 'rush bonus.'  It seemed like some cosmic test, and I'm not sure whether I passed or failed, but as much as I could use that paycheck full of rush money, I couldn't do it.
Instead October first was the day when a couple friends and I made a two hour drive to a Halloween festival. It takes place on the converted grounds of a Renaissance fair. There's a building that resembles a castle and a little fake town that's all decked out in Halloween. They set up a number of walk-through spookhouses that are somewhat elaborate and plenty satisfying. It's cheesy and chintzy (like me), but I've been back at least a half dozen times over the years because there are few other places, especially nearby, where the Halloween spirit is so tangible. It's the flaming torch lights, and the dance music (Thriller, Time Warp, and that Somebody's Watching Me song with the Michael Jackson backup vocals) and the costumed workers who all speak in leftover British accents from the Renaissance fair, which doesn't quite make sense. It's the smell of gasoline from the guy with the chain-less chainsaw at the end of the haunted house, and the smell of carnival food competing with the smell of cigarettes (and now the dominant vape scene).
I stood in the ticket line ready to pony up (I don't think I've ever said 'pony up' out loud) for the Fright Combo which includes the four scariest attractions according to their skull rating system. None ranked fewer than four of the five possible skulls, and one broke the scale with an astonishing six skulls. When it was my turn the cashier informed me that their card machine was down. My plan had involved using a card.
No problem, they had ATMs on site. We discovered the ATMs were connected to the same network as the card machines (reminder: they were down). Our only option was to relocate our car in the vast, dark festival parking lot and drive to the nearest gas station. The gas station ATM was conveniently located near the front door. So convenient in fact, that using the machine required a four dollar fee. That Nancy Kerrigan Halloween on Ice DVD cost me less than four dollars. My friends and I took our financial spankings and got the cash. You probably understand how these kinds of hurdles have a way of diminishing the fun factor, so I announced to my friends that I would ask the festival cashier for a discount. Even I didn't believe the statement because yeah right, like I would ever ask the cashier for a discount.
We re-parked, re-walked in, and re-stood in line. I went to the same lady who gave me the news about the card machine. She told me that the card machines were down. I explained my brief history with the card machines, and I asked the cashier for a discount. It was like an out of body experience for me. Her reply? "No. I can't do that."I doubled down, and moved to phase two. "Could I talk to a manager?""No, that's not possible."At that moment a man opened up a door behind her who looked managerial relative to the rest of the British accented spookhouse operators. I heard myself addressing him directly. He half listened to my woeful tale. He replied that the Fright Combo, at thirty dollars, is already such a great deal he simply couldn't go lower. As if he were paying his spooks by the scare and I would push them over budget.Then I tapped into some unfamiliar part of myself and I made my case again, though I never lost my smile or the demeanor that I learned from watching George Costanza try to charm strangers. We had a full blown back and forth. He perked up when he learned that the gas station was charging a four dollar fee, and suggested that he could raise his own ATM fees. I contested, but about that time he reached over and typed a code into the cash register causing my admission to ring up four dollars less. I can only hope that my refund wasn't his way of compensating me for valuable intel. 
Whatever his motive, from that moment on I was riding a tempest of pure victory. Between spookhouses I walked into one of several souvenir shops and bought a skull mug, just as my list instructed. The price tag: four dollars. It serves as a trophy for my consumerist conquest.


2. See a scary movie in the theater
I went to see the Blair Witch sequel on opening weekend. I was entertained and it satisfied my curiosity, but I missed the subtlety and the feeling of genuine dread that was caused by the first one. Seeing it in a Sunday matinee on a hot afternoon didn't help.

Then a few days ago I also watched Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, and enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I knew going in that it has a Harryhausen-esque skeleton battle sequence and a prominent ghost train dark ride, so everything else was just bonus.


3. Repair my light-up decorations
I've amassed about a half dozen blow molded Halloween pieces since the 1990s along with other light-up stuff. Each year entropy claims another bulb or fuse leaving only a couple that still work. This year I made good on my vow to bring them back to life. It only took three different trips to Lowe's and Walmart, but they are are now spooky, yet functional beacons. Rekindling their glow was probably the most symbolic task on my list.

 



4. Make my Halloween mood tableFor the third time I took part in a practice that I predict will become a staple of national Halloween tradition. This too can be traced to the Dinosaur Dracula web site. Unlike a Christmas tree, my mood table goal is to make a unique creation each year. Here's how it turned out this time...

This year I went with sort of a yin yang approach. I noticed that my ghost holds the skull and jack-o-lantern like he's comparing them. So I set up more loose comparisons: I've got Bela on the left and Boris on the right, Wolfman claws verses razor glove, bendy against bendy, and so on.  Here's a closer look...


Though it doesn't support my little theme I included these vinyl Halloween puppets. About fifteen years ago I got overzealous in an ebay bidding war and way overpaid for them. It's taken me this long to find peace with my folly.
 The Count Dracula hanging on the right side of the wall was a one dollar flea market find this year, and the very same model that my first grade teacher had in our classroom. I only mention it so I can share the great header card that came with it...
  The best thing about my mood table is that it inspired my son to make one of his own, which he calls the Corner of Terror. Not only did he put together a bunch of stray monsters, he set up a series of poetic instructions that ultimately lead the victim to open a coffin filled with spring-loaded snakes.


  5. Put up some exterior decorations (for the first time!)The thought of extending my Halloween decor to the outdoors has always been overwhelming. Maybe it's because I know I can't create the amusement park level Halloweenland of my dreams. And aren't you just begging to be robbed or vandalized? But this year was the year. My son and I invested a total of nine dollars (plus a Frankenstein figure a buddy gave to me years ago) and decorated the flower bed out front. These are baby steps, but it felt good, and it ties into #14 on the list— hand out candy.  As we worked on it, I noticed my next door neighbor decorating their porch too. It was like a Rockwell-esque fantasy.

6. Drive on a highway I've never driven on and visit some towns I've never been toThis may not seem Halloween related, but Fall is my favorite time for taking day trips, and they're all the more magical when you see occasional spooks and pumpkins in small town store windows. There's also a decent chance that flea markets and antique shops will have some seasonal products out.
I had to go about an hour out of town to find an entirely untraveled route. My carefree mindset took jabs from the many political signs along the way, but the good weather nearly evened things out.  The towns I visited under-delivered on places to stop. One Main Street had a stretch of inviting second-hand shops according to google maps, but the street view photo must have been taken before all the "Going out of business" signs went up. 
To make up for it I took a long detour and landed in Joplin, Missouri, a city that doesn't seem to excite my friends or family, but I've always been fond of it.  As a stop along former Route 66 it still has the flavor of a driving man's town. It also has an active mall that contained a Spirit Halloween shop... 
 
7. Play Left 4 Dead 2, and Dead Space games
Well, I can check off the first half in this entry in a big way, but this year I didn't get to Dead Space. I can't explain the eternal attraction (addiction) I have to Left 4 Dead. Each time I log in my Steam account I see my shameful number of total hours played (deep into triple digits), but I just keep going. It's got about eight zombie-filled co-operative missions to choose from, and they play like endless reruns. I think that's the draw. I'm so familiar and comfortable in that harrowing world that it's as soothing as watching old Brady Bunch episodes. Worst part is, I'm still not very good at it.


8. Keep reading Stephen King's IT
I'm currently on page 559 out of 1092. I've enjoyed it so far, especially the way it hops back and forth between the 1950s and the 1980s, two of my favorite decades for nostalgia. The meandering pace of the story is probably the reason I'm comfortable writing such a bloated Halloween post this year.


9. Rent horror DVDs from the video store
Twice this month I visited a local movie rental shop whose primary source of income is actually payday advances, tanning beds, and beer. But they still have a vast floor of DVD shelves and even a corner of VHS for sale. I've strip mined the video cassettes which are one dollar for a week's rental or fifty cents to buy. (I laughed when I was told this, but then I was assured that it's not a joke.)

The process of walking the aisles and picking out movies has become so foreign so quickly. I had the store to myself for a full half hour on both visits which made the experience even more dreamlike. Adding to the effect were a slew of burnt-out overhead lights, as well as other fixtures of Soviet style commerce. Still, my hunt for movies was easily as enjoyable as the viewings themselves. This makes a ton more sense when you consider my masochistic choices: The Rob Zombie Halloween II remake, that Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and the Poltergeist remake. I knew better, but my raw curiosity had been nagging me for years. But I did like Silent Hill and Frailty.

10. Watch my pre-selected Halloween VHS pile A few years ago I discovered a not-so-nearby small town video store that was liquidating their horror section, and I was the first collector on the scene. I snatched up all the titles that looked fun or hard to find and these filled me with complete contentment. 
Of course not. I am a collector and therefore I was haunted by all that I left behind. I returned again and again, each time lowering my standards for what I deemed worth buying. Eventually I exhausted everything I wanted. (I can't bring myself to buy those Leprechaun movies, even though they fit my criteria.)
My suspicious activity (An out-of-towner who repeatedly sifts through video tapes like he's deciphering ancient texts) made me memorable to the owner, who seems like an eccentric fictional character who was written on a tight deadline. (I suppose I'm like that too.) Inevitably the two of us started having conversations of increasing length, discussing the histories of the store, the town, and eventually, our own families.
This August I returned again to confirm that there were no remaining must-have VHS tapes. Amazingly there weren't. I chatted with the owner for about a half hour and was about to leave empty handed when I noticed a stack of tapes behind the counter that I hadn't seen before. It included: the Italian film Demons, as well as Night of the Demons, it's sequel, and Deadtime Stories. These are fan favorites that I'd never watched, and couldn't imagine finding in the wild again.
The owner seemed surprised by my second approach, yet eager to return to our talk which he had steered towards the topic of conspiracy theories, something I don't have a lot of patience for. Or so I thought. My return must have been misconstrued, because he became uncharacteristically fired up, asking me leading questions and insisting I read long articles while he waited. Typically I'm someone who genuinely listens as opposed to just waiting my turn to talk, but this time I was laser focused on finding an opening to wedge in my question about the video tapes. His tirade lasted another hour , as all of my signals and attempted exits were denied.
He covered the textbook cover-ups including: the murderous Clintons, Obama's citizenship, the fact that US dollars are meaningless, the dangers of cell phones, the government's use of fluoride to sedate us, JFK, toxic medicine, 9/11 of course, and yes, even the fake moon landing. Finally there was a pause. I asked, and he was happy to part with the videos. However, somebody had alerted him that these particular tapes were "collectibles," thus they were not priced at his usual dollar fifty rate. Four for twenty was as low as he'd go, and amazingly this was almost a deal breaker for me since I was primed to pay the typical blowout prices. Then I came to my senses and realized that I was past the point of no return. I took out my debit card. Somehow during the previous hour I didn't clue in to the fact that there's no way this guy would accept debit cards.
I found a Dollar General store down the street where I could use their government controlled card readers to get some cash back. Oh yes, I was painfully aware that the convenience fee (two dollars this time) would corrupt my deal on the tapes. But by then I had lost all free will. I was strapped to the belly of a monster I had sired in the video store. The sting of this inconvenience faded when I discovered the store had just put out their Halloween candy (in early August!) The fates had spoken so I bought my first bag of BRACH's candy corn of the season. That's right. This is my second petty, long-winded Halloween story that involves unexpected ATM fees.
I returned to the store and pointed out that unfortunately I had to pay with US dollars which, as you may recall, are meaningless. He accepted my payment.
I placed these tapes in a reserve of 2016 Halloween choices. I've watched a third of them so far.


11. Have a horror on VHS party
By "party" I mean that I invited two friends over to sit on my couch. One of them was able to make it. The movies were background noise as we talked about other movies. It was a very fun night.
12. Create something with a Halloween theme, blog post or otherwiseI can check this one off in just a matter of paragraphs.
13. Walk around at night listening to spooky musicI put in some headphones and walked to a gas station in the middle of the night while listening to the soundtracks to Halloween 4 and Stranger Things. It was really neat. Also, I was dressed as a clown. (Not really.)
What's even neater was a different, very foggy night when I talked my son into going on an impromptu walk. I bribed him with an ICEE after bedtime and we ended up visiting two different convenience stores. I didn't bring music, but we talked the whole time, and I'll never forget it.
14. On Halloween: take my son trick or treating, hand out candy, eat pizza, watch the new Ghostbusters
My son turns eleven soon, that precarious age when some of the greatest thrills of childhood become endangered. (I say a 'thank you' prayer every time he holds my hand in public.) Most of his friends are already proclaiming that they've aged out of going door to door for candy. I hope my son will stick with it a few more years. (I did, despite being ridiculed, though it was nothing new to a guy who never packed up his childhood toys.) However, I'm planning a transitional year of both candy getting and candy giving. I'm looking forward to it: open windows blaring spooky sound effects that were recorded in the 80s, something black and white playing on TV, standing among my fully functional decorations and my mini-graveyard, and making a memory so great that hopefully my son will write about it on the internet in thirty years.

THE MAGIC ART REPRODUCER (A KICKSTARTER PROMO FOR FOUR COLOR BLEED)

Hey there readers! This post marks the first time I've ever featured a guest writer. What's the occasion? Ryan McSwain, author of Monsters All the Way Down, is nearing the final days of his Kickstarter campaign to produce his latest book, Four Color Bleed, in a manner that lives up to his creative vision. It's a novel about comic books, nostalgia, and the nature of reality, and it's full of stuff that Fun Blog readers would appreciate.

But what follows isn't just a flat out commercial, Ryan covers one of the classic comic book mail-order products, the Magic Art Reproducer, an item that appears in his new book. So check it out, and check out his Kickstarter page. It's a product so cool, it got me to temporarily lift my ban on Kickstarter posts!

-Fun Blog Mgmt.

The Magic Art Reproducer by Ryan McSwain

Like many of the readers of this blog, I’m on an unending nostalgia trip. This manifests itself in different ways, from a love for old comics, to buying vinyl records, to browsing pictures of old toy stores. Sure, I’m excited about virtual reality, but I’ll want to use it to visit the 1939 New York World’s Fair.

In my latest novel, Four Color Bleed, I wanted to share this feeling with my audience. So there are bits about Pez dispensers, Mego dolls, all the things I love that are both old and cool. And if you’re looking for something that is old and cool, you should check out the Magic Art Reproducer.



If you’ve read old comics, especially from the ’50s and ’60s, you’ve seen a Magic Art Reproducer ad. It’s as ubiquitous with comic book advertising as that blasted cardboard submarine. Available from Norton Products, these ads started appearing in comics in late 1952 and early 1953. These ads continued to appear into the ’90s, at least in that bastion of culture, The Weekly World News.


The promise of instantly becoming an artist is a tempting one. My father is an incredible artist, mostly oil painting, and it’s a hard-won skill. I’m sure there were plenty of times he drew in his notebook while his friends were outside hula hooping. The Magic Art Reproducer promised to let you have your cake and hula, too.

So if you ponied up your $1.98 back in 1951, what would the mailman have delivered?

I snagged one of these in the box while researching Four Color Bleed. It only costs me $14, including shipping. According to the inflation convertor, $1.98 in 1952 money is $17.88 today, so I think I came out ahead.


As you can see, the box is the memorable ad. This is how the ad looked in the mid-’50s, so I assume that’s when this specimen was purchased. The one pictured in Mail-Order Mysteries has a more streamlined box, but I prefer this one. I wonder how if it was always such a drabby color, or if it used to be a bright, Reverse Flash yellow.

 Holy cannoli, it still has the insert.
The instructions are actually pretty helpful for getting this thing to work. That is, as well as it could hope to work. You even get some simple anatomy lessons.

My copy includes black paper and a white pencil to make silhouette pictures. Silhouette portraits used to be a big deal. In fact, the legendary magician Dai Vernon, known in some circles as The Professor, cut silhouettes as his day job. The more you know, eh?

The Reproducer itself is sturdy as a middle-school cafeteria lady. The tinker toy assembly holds nice and tight, even after six decades of magical reproducing. The tiny brass knob allows for adjustments.

How well does it work? Surprisingly well, especially if you follow the instructions. If the subject is well lit and the paper is in shadow, you’ll see a strong image when you peep in the tiny hole up top. I know Kirk wasn’t too impressed with this thing in his book, but I think you get your two dollars’ worth of artistic assistance. There’s a professional artist on YouTube who claims to still use his every day.

Silhouette bonus aside, I can’t imagine a kid getting one of these in the mail and not being disappointed. It reproduces art, sure, but with optics. Not magic. You’ll still need practice, Leonardo.


In Four Color Bleed, Ralph Rogers puts in the practice. But it doesn’t hurt when he finds his dad’s old Magic Art Reproducer in his grandfather’s attic. It’s not really magic—although there’s plenty of magic in Four Color Bleed—but it still takes him on an adventure.

The Magic Art Reproducer was a two-dollar version of the camera lucida, first patented in 1807 but first described in print all the way back in 1611. Art supply companies are still selling these things for upwards of $200, and the promotional images are nearly identical to the old ads. There was even a recent Kickstarter campaign for a refined version that raised over $400,000.




If you still haven’t read Kirk’s Mail-Order Mysteries, check it out. It’s one of my favorites, and I recommend it to comic fans all the time. And if you’re interested in the kind of novel where a Magic Art Reproducer plays a role, check out Four Color Bleed on Kickstarter. I have eight phenomenal artists lined up to illustrate, and advanced readers are already raving about the book. I’d appreciate your help making it happen.