Pat Bertram's Blog, page 99

Lockdown Protests

[image error]I don’t know the truth of the protests against the lockdowns — there seems to be a lack communicate as to what is going on, especially since the same photo of a fellow carrying a flag with a swastika is being shown in various far-flung locations. But that is nothing new — the same photo that supposedly showed the crowds on the newly-opened Florida beaches showed up in California, ostensibly showing people on those beaches. It was an old photo, anyway. Friends who have been to the beach posted photos of the truth — that the few people who are making use of the beaches are staying far away from one another.

I’m not a protester at heart. Nor am I protesting this current situation (though I do question it), but I can understand why people are protesting.

Considering that more than half the deaths of this current virus occurred in the New York metropolitan area, and considering that 21% occurs in 41 states combined, you can see the scope of the problem — people are being forced out of their jobs for something that is not really affecting them, and might not ever affect them.

In Colorado, the majority of deaths are in the front-range cities, and those are the cities getting the money from the stimulus bill, though the economies of the less populated and poorer counties are every bit as devastated, especially since they have had to prepare for an emergency that hasn’t yet happened. (Apparently, those front-range counties got the money directly, and the rest was sent to Colorado to distribute to the rest of the counties, but as of now, the state is keeping the funds to offset a shortfall in their budget.)

The measures that are being taken to prevent an outbreak are killing people, just in a different way. There is already an ongoing fight to keep the economy alive here in my corner of Colorado because the Colorado legislature wants to demolish the private prison system that is the single major employer left in the area. With that gone, with small businesses gone, with no money from the stimulus package, many services in this and other counties will be suspended indefinitely, especially those catering to the most vulnerable people — the very people they are trying to “protect’ with their draconian measures.

No one around here is protesting. No one is really even complaining, though people are hurting., not just financially, but culturally and socially. People who have looked forward to high school graduation exercises — both students and parents — are being denied that right of passage. This is a town of churchgoers, and they are all being denied the comfort of those gatherings. Santa Fe Trail Days and other activities that bring money to the area are cancelled. People want things to go back to normal as soon as possible, and eventually, the highly populated places will be able to return to a semblance of normality since they have a big enough tax base and enough people to get things going again, but that does not hold true in the small areas that are following the rules but have no severe outbreaks. In the entire southeast section of the state, there have been a total of 23 cases, and 1 death. People say these state-wide measures are necessary to protect us, but protect us from what?

There was a terrible flu going around here at the end of December, the worst flu most people who got it ever had, with fever, dry cough, difficulty breathing. Considering that this corona virus has been around since the middle of November, and people have been traveling around the world during that time, it’s entirely possible this area has already had its outbreak. There was a terrible outbreak in West Virginia around that same time, and that has been identified as this same virus or a mutation of it.

I keep saying no one knows the truth of this situation and it’s true because there are so many different aspects that are being shoved into the shadows because they don’t fit anyone’s agendas. No one, certainly, wants to even mention the possibility of a previous outbreak and the questions that would arise from it.

A huge irony to this situation is that hospitals are going broke. People with cancer and other severe diseases aren’t being treated. Elective surgeries and any surgery that isn’t absolutely necessary are being postponed. All to make way for a crisis that in many cases isn’t occurring. The end death rate of the virus will be the same whether or not we have lockdowns. Lockdowns can slow the spread but not stop it (unless we continue them forever or force people to get a hurried-up vaccine that so many do not want). The initial point of the lockdowns was to save the hospital system, but the hospital system in most areas is under no strain at the moment. In fact, people who have had to go to the hospital are shocked by how unbusy they are. So what is the point of lockdowns now? Even worse, when the crisis has more or less passed and hospitals revert to a more normal operating agenda, the backlog of case will overwhelm the system for years to come.

Not all countries are doing lockdowns. (Sweden, for one, is pretty much continuing business as usual.) Moderate social distancing seems to work as well as keeping people at home.

One of the most interesting statistics I read (and cannot find the source again) is that the overall death rate right now is no higher than it normally is. Partly, this disease is nowhere near as fatal as it was assumed to be — in various studies, half the people tested either had it or have it with no symptoms, which brings the death rate more in line with the seasonal flu. And partly most deaths in both cases (this virus and the seasonal flu) belong to the same demographic. The elderly. The immuno-compromised. The frail and vulnerable. People who are at risk no matter what happens.

To me, one of the most damming aspects of this whole situation is how politicized it is. A medical crisis should be just that — a medical crisis, not a power grab by various factions who only have their own interests in mind, people who want to control us.

We all have our own interests in mind, of course, but most of us are putting up with these draconian measures because we believe that life matters. We are willing to protect the weak and vulnerable. But only up to a point, and that point is when we lose our livelihoods and even homes. (Although some mortgage companies and landlords are making concessions to these perilous times, others are not.)

And so the devastation continues.

Some people are still afraid of getting sick, but more and more, people are afraid of what is going to happen in the future. And they are getting angry. They want answers. They want information and proper statistics. The statistics we are getting are skewed — it’s been mandated that the medical profession be aggressive when listing causes of death, so there is no way to know how many people died with the virus or of the virus. The version the “official” experts offer as to what is going on is not the same as the version non-politicized experts are offering. No one knows who to believe, so they pick their level of truth, and they stick to it.

This disease is not a hoax, but the way it is presented to us makes the measures combatting this disease seem like a hoax especially the way they keep downplaying the false “facts” that the whole lockdown scenario was based on. These “facts” were nothing more than a projection, which turned out to be far less than accurate, which even the “official’ experts now admit. And a projection is just that — a projection. One possible scenario. And from that has been extrapolated all the hardships that are being dished up to us.

Although I am feeling as if I am being unjustly imprisoned (especially since Colorado will be extending the stay at home orders for seniors only), I would follow the procedure anyway. I don’t like getting sick, but quite frankly, that is my business. If people don’t want to get sick, they too can stay home. But I am not sick. Nor is anyone around here. (Except from allergies. So many of us are dealing with dry coughs and sinus congestion that has nothing to do with any flu.)

But I can understand why people are protesting. They are not sick. They don’t know anyone who is sick. They don’t know anyone who died, and yet they are forced into a situation where they stand to lose so very much.

At the same time, there were (and are) those who scream for the government to do something.

This whole situation has gone on too long to simply open the doors and tell people to go about their business, because there would be repercussions from that, too. But it’s gone on too long not to do that very thing.

I don’t know what the answer is. And the truth is, that no matter what the “experts” say, no one does.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Living in Lockdown

The stay-at-home order won’t be extended in Colorado when it expires in a few days, though there will only be a limited opening of businesses and interactions with people. Social distancing is still to be observed.

But . . . the senior population is still in lockdown, allowed to go out only when absolutely necessary. Apparently, agism is alive and well, especially since in many cases older folks are way more vulnerable to the effects of isolation than they are to any pathogen. Still, I’ll go along with the order since it doesn’t make much difference to the way I live my life though it is beginning to make me feel imprisoned.

There’s been no indication of when the library will reopen, and who knows — since I’m one of the locked-down seniors, they might not even let me in when it does open for business again. Social distancing, you know. I still have a couple of weeks’ worth of emergency books left, and I can extend that a bit by watching the DVDs I borrowed from a friend months ago, and then . . . who knows. It’s up to the vagaries of bureaucrats who seem to think we all live in big cities rather than in relatively unpopulated and impoverished counties as some of us do.

A ludicrous aspect of this situation are the emails I keep getting from various businesses, such as insurance companies and utilities, telling me they have my best interests at heart. Not enough to lower prices, of course, just enough to annoy and mystify me. For example, I’ve had appliance insurance for the past year that covered all the major appliances including my washer, and the company is changing over to a new policy that only covers the furnace, water heater, range, and air conditioner. My washer is acting up, and even though the new policy doesn’t go into effect for another week or so, they won’t send anyone out to fix my washer. Apparently, although I’ve been paying the premium, they’d already cancelled the original insurance without telling me.

And my internet provider sent an email saying that to ensure the safety of their customers, they will continue to do critical repairs, but added, “we’ve modified our processes so our technicians can complete exterior work as usual, while relying on our customers to complete interior work.” What the heck? We have to do our own repairs?

On a lighter note (perhaps), the garden frog I’d ordered months ago came in today. Although the statue photographed for the catalog looked happy, this one looks sad or at least pensive. Considering there is not yet a garden for the poor thing, no wonder it doesn’t seem all that pleased to be here.

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But where there are plants, there’s hope, and I do have some plants in the ground, including a few lilacs that had to be moved when the garage foundation was put in.

It’s gloomy and windy today, but there is a 50% chance of rain, which would be nice. Not just for my incipient garden, but for a change.

And oh, do I need a change! I think I’ll brave the wind and go out for a short walk. Maybe the activity will blow away some of the feelings of isolation and imprisonment.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

 

Deep Thoughts. Or Not

My last few posts have been more think pieces than my usual diary-like posts as I tried to figure out the truth of what is going on, but today, there isn’t a single thought in my head. Not a deep thought. Not a silly thought. Just . . .

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It’s been a pleasant day so far, but I’m not sure it has anything to do with thinking, overthinking, or no thinking. It’s more a matter of having accomplished something.

I’d ordered some summer bulbs a few months ago, thinking my garage would be done by now and I could start landscaping, but nope. Not a single wall has gone up. Even worse, the yard is cluttered with building materials, the things that are supposed to stored in the garage, a metal carport that has already been traded but not yet taken away, and leftovers from the fence and other projects.

Still, the bulbs were just sitting in their packing materials, probably crying out for the sun, so I found a place for them in the yard that won’t be in the way of the workers when/if they ever show up.

I even connected a hose to the front yard water faucet, which is not as easy as it might seem. In fact, last fall when I tried to connect a hose, water spewed all over the place. Enough came through the hose that I was able to water the bulbs I’d just planted. (Some of which recently peeked above the ground, saw who was going to take care of them, and committed hari-kari instead of waiting for my ignorance to do the job for them. Others didn’t even bother checking to see what was going on.) Today, I cleaned the rust from the nozzle with Vaseline, and then the nozzle screwed on.

Such excitement, right?

I hope your day is as pleasant as mine is.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

The Truth About Truth

During the last presidential election, I lost so much respect for so many folks that I didn’t think my opinion of people could get much lower, but I am now losing even more respect for people than I did back then.

It’s not their opinions that matter — or don’t matter — to me. People can believe whatever they want, can say whatever they want, share whatever they want. I read everything. (In this way, if nothing else, I am a bit different from those who read only that which illuminates or proves what they already believe.) I agree with some of what most people say and most of what some people say, so I really have no stake in what is generally believed or disbelieved.

I have learned enough to know that contrary to what people are saying, we are not all in this together. We might all be dealing with the same global situation, but everyone is dealing with their own particular brand of the situation. Some people are terrified while others don’t seem particularly upset. Some people are going stir-crazy with the lockdowns yet for other people, it’s not much different from their pre-quarantine lives. Some people are dying of loneliness and the lack of touch, others are dying from The Bob or other diseases. Some people are grieving, others are just waiting for the restrictions to be lifted. Some people are angry at those who don’t wear masks even out walking by themselves with no one else around. Some people refuse to wear masks unless it is mandated, and sometimes not even then. Some people are losing jobs, others are losing their minds. Still others are living in dread of the aftermath of the shutdown and the long-term repercussions.

We all live with the values we take to heart and whatever truth we can face. Some people’s truth tends to be very religious. For others it’s politics. Still others look behind the headlines of the news to find deeper reasons for what is happening in the world. It’s all good. It’s all truth in its own way.

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As Berrnie LaPlante (Dustin Hoffman) says to his son at the end of the movie Hero: “You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking ya about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin’, and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain’t no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that’s your bullshit, so to speak.”

Yep. That about covers it, though I have to admit, the toilet paper analogy is especially amusing and apropos considering the current shortage of both toilet paper and truth.

So why am I losing respect? Because other people don’t have the same laissez-faire attitude that Bernie does. Too often people resort to ridicule, belligerence, sarcasm and other tools of the weak when they are confronted with ideas contrary to their own.

What does it matter to anyone what other people believe to be the truth? That’s their level of bullshit. You have your own. Does it matter that some of your FB friends are turning to God to help them through this situation? Does it matter that some are using this situation to foster their political beliefs? Does it matter that some believe the official story? Does it matter that some people are looking for causes and explanations from experts other than the “official” experts?

No. None of that matters. We are all coping the best we can. Sneering at people for their truth is no help to anyone. Getting nasty toward people who post different sources than yours shows a lack of open-mindedness. Ridiculing people only points out the ridiculousness of your own position, not theirs.

I still go on Facebook way more than I should. Partly, it’s to reply to comments that people leave on my posts. Partly it’s to catch up with those few I do respect — the people who post thoughtful articles from a variety of sources and who never resort to ridicule or belligerence or sarcasm.

And partly, I have to admit, because I am bored. (Boredom is not something I ever like admitting, because I believe any reasonably intelligent person has the resources to stave off boredom, but these are times that try even the most resourceful.)

Luckily, FB has a snooze button so I can put the less than reasonable folks in a time-out. Even more luckily, my knee is healing, which allows me to get around more and find other things to do than play on the computer. (Part of the issue with my knee/leg, I have come to realize is that I spend way too much time sitting at my computer, so staying away is good on so many levels.)

This the truth. Or at least my truth.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Unspeakable Truths

[image error]I don’t know the truth of what’s going on. No one knows, though most of us read a few articles, see a few videos, watch the news, talk to friends, and so we think we do. Not even the people the “conspiracy theorists” think are behind the current situation know the truth. There are folks so deeply entrenched into the power structure of the world economy and have been for so many years, that we see only their minions.

Although I don’t consider myself a conspiracy theorist, I have spent most of my life researching conspiracies, trying to find the truth. (Keep in mind that researching back then wasn’t a matter of googling a few sites and watching a couple of videos. It meant books, and books, and more books. It meant studying research papers and tracking information through various sources.)

That’s all I’ve ever been interested in — the truth. Whether it’s the truth of religion, politics, history, science, life, death, it’s all fair game to me. Truth has been a lifelong pursuit. In fact, when I was in eighth grade, we were assigned to create the front page of a newspaper, including headlines, articles, etc. My newspaper was all about the meaning of nursery rhymes, and back then it took some digging to find out some of those meanings. For example, “Ring-around the rosy” originated as a rhyming song about the black death —“We all fall down.” Mary, Mary, quite contrary supposedly tells a grim tale about Mary Tudor.

One thing I did learn during a lifetime of research (two lifetimes if you include Jeff’s historical research in addition to mine) is that often a so-called conspiracy is merely a plan someone or a group of someones makes and doesn’t tell anyone.

Is what’s going on today fulfilling some people’s agendas? Probably. However it started, however anything starts — whether by accident or design — there is always someone who is ready to make a profit from it, either in money or power. There will also always be people who believe there is an agenda even if they can’t agree on what that agenda might be, and there will always be those who don’t. It doesn’t make a difference, really. We still have to deal with each day as it comes and to protect ourselves however we can.

Although I have been trying to find out how some influential people are using this situation to promote themselves and their businesses (destroying small businesses in the process), I don’t know if I care what the truth is. Whether this is the simple pandemic we’re told it is or whether there is some nefarious purpose behind it, knowing won’t change anything. Besides, the truth doesn’t always set us free. Sometimes it only serves to make us sad and weary and so very, very discouraged.

When I was writing A Spark of Heavenly Fire, my novel about biological warfare that mirrors this situation in sometimes eerie ways, I needed a substory and, as often happens, I found a clue in the very next book I read, and the pursuit of that clue led me to a place called Pingfan and added a depth to my novel I could never have imagined.

By that time, I thought my knowledge of man’s and woman’s inhumanity to their own kind made me shockproof, but even I was appalled to learn about Pingfan. For those who have read A Spark of Heavenly Fire — no, I did not create Pingfan. I don’t have that sort of inhumane brain. General Ishii created the place.

General Ishii was the leader of the Japanese germ warfare program. It’s ironic, but the Japanese had no interest in biological warfare until the Geneva Protocol’s 1932 ban on biological weapons. Ishii concluded the ban meant they were an effective means of fighting a war, so he persuaded the imperial army to let him establish a biological warfare installation. The army granted permission in 1937.

They built the installation in Manchuria near a village called Pingfan, forty miles outside of Harbin, and it was huge—a town in itself, actually, and self-supporting. In addition to living quarters and the research facilities, which included a separate compound for plague research, there was a school, a railroad siding, an administration building, a crematorium, a powerhouse, a hospital, an airbase, and farms for raising food and livestock. A high wall topped with barbed wire hid the facility from view. A moat lay beyond the wall to trap any intruders, and an electrified fence surrounded the inner perimeter to prevent escapes.

Three thousand doctors, scientists, technicians, and soldiers worked there. The output was staggering. They grew and experimented with all kinds of diseases and bio-weapons. And they had the capacity for producing twenty million doses of vaccine annually. Radiating out from Pingfan were eighteen other biological warfare stations, each staffed with three hundred people. Many of those stations were on mainland China. The whole program was administered by an organization with the innocuous name of Boeki Kyusuibu, which means Anti-Epidemic Water Supply Unit.

The Japanese conducted their experiments on Chinese villagers and POWs—mostly Chinese, but also American, British and Australian prisoners. (Many of the soldiers from the Bataan death march ended up there.)

Hundreds of American POWs died torturous deaths, and if by chance any of them survived one experiment, they were immediately put to use in another. Thousands upon thousands of Chinese were also killed—at least a hundred thousand, perhaps as many as a million—but the Japanese admitted to only a thousand. (And now the Chinese have their own bio-labs.)

The Japanese conducted all sorts of experiments.

Using planes, they scattered rice and wheat mixed with plague.

They dropped anthrax bombs designed to shatter into a thousand pieces of shrapnel. A single scratch from one of those fragments caused death in ninety percent of its victims.

They injected their victims with diseases, fed them cultures of diseases, exposed them to clouds of diseases in gas chambers, then killed them at various stages of the diseases, and performed autopsies on them. They performed some autopsies while the victim still lived.

They poisoned thousands of wells in Manchuria with cholera, typhoid, and dysentery. Interestingly, a regiment of Japanese soldiers unknowingly drank from one of those wells. Thousands died.

They also infected fleas with botulism, put them in balloons, and let them go, hoping they’d reach the United States. Many of the balloons did reach the western coast, but luckily the fleas had all died.

In addition to bacteriological experiments, the doctors had conducted experiments on frostbite. Victims were taken outside in the coldest months of the year and forced to immerse their hands and feet in barrels of cold water. They were kept outside until their extremities froze, then were taken back inside so the doctors could investigate means of treating frostbite.

The doctors had also done blood work experiments. In an effort to discover if blood other than human could be used to treat wounded soldiers, prisoners had been drained of their own blood and infused with horse’s blood. All died.

After the war, Ishii ended up in the custody of the United States. He told them about his germ warfare program in exchange for immunity. The U.S. concluded that the potential benefits of the research outweighed the demands of justice. No war crimes were ever brought against Ishii, and the whole thing was covered up. Ishii retired to a village named Wakamatsu-cho, where he lived on a pension provided by the U.S. government until his death in 1959.

None of the other doctors involved ever charged with war crimes, either.

The pathology squad leader who had conducted live autopsies became a professor at Kyoto University. He later became a professor emeritus of the university and a medical director of the Kinki University at Osaka.

The doctor who had fed typhoid germs in milk to prisoners, and who had been responsible for certain types of germ bombs, became a professor of bacteriology at Kyoto University.

The frostbite expert joined the faculty of Kyoto Prefectural Medical College and later became its president.

The premier germ bomb expert joined the Japanese National Institute of Health, where he continued his bacteriological research.

The hematologist opened a blood bank that eventually became one of the most successful multi-national medical supply and pharmaceutical companies in the world.

The only reason any of this became public knowledge is that many years later, when some of the American victims applied for help through the VA, they were told their records were sealed, and that what they had experienced had never happened. They fought for their truth, and won.

Was that the end? Of course not. There’s always someone trying to make a bad thing worse. For example, the Russians built an underground facility capable of growing eighty to one hundred tons—tons!—of the smallpox virus every year. Even worse, they modified it genetically, combining the smallpox with Ebola and Venezuelan Equine Encephalitis, a brain virus. Worst of all, the collapse of the Soviet Union left hundreds of biological research scientists unemployed. Many of them took the smallpox with them when they went to work for other countries like Libya, Iran, Iraq, North Korea, India, and maybe even Israel and Pakistan. And of course, the United States.

So, do I think some powerful people are using this current situation for their own ends? You bet. Do I know that those ends are? I can guess, but even that would fall short of the truth, because some truths are so horrific and unspeakable that only masterful psychopaths can imagine them. I no longer even have the heart to write about such crimes, which is why only my first four books are based on various conspiracies.

If you’re interested in reading A Spark of Heavenly Fire, it’s still available as a free download from Smashwords. Click here to get your free ebook: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1842. Be sure to use the coupon code WN85X when purchasing.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Being Myself

I got an email from a friend who wrote: “I decided to read your blog today and you did not seem like yourself. I understand that these are trying times, but you usually find something nice to say about a flower or a blue sky or something.” She went on to talk about how she’s dealing with the isolation and the trials of having to cook every night rather than going out to eat a few times a week, then ended with: “Your next post I expect to hear something upbeat. How pretty the sky is. How your bulbs are blooming, or if not, how pretty the frost looks on your windows. You live in a very nice home. Have nice friends. And the cold weather and pandemic will end – sometime!”

I hadn’t realized how gloomy yesterday’s post was, hadn’t realized how gloomy I was. Just goes to show . . . something. Maybe that gloomy days make for gloomy moods.

Today the sun is shining, and surprise! The gloom — both outside and inside — is gone. And, I have to admit, my friend is right. I have nice friends, including her. The cold weather will end — this weekend is supposed to be warm and sunny. And one of these days, the restrictions will be lifted. It’s also possible that my dread of long-term repercussions won’t be fulfilled.

But even without the pep talk and the sun, today would have been a good day because I decided to make it so. I ran a few errands, and just getting in the car to drive a few miles felt like freedom. I also decided to treat myself. Even though it makes more sense to eat healthily at a time when we’re all being made to face our mortality (because eating healthy foods helps keep us a step away from that mortality) it also makes sense to splurge.

My splurge was one of those diner specialties that I never take the time to make for myself — a patty melt. Three pans and lots of butter later, I ended up with a fabulous treat! (In case you aren’t familiar with a patty melt, it’s a grilled sandwich on rye bread, with caramelized onions, hamburger patty, and cheese.)

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I also took advantage of the sun-warmed day to water my bulbs and bushes, hoping that the cold didn’t do any harm and that there will still be time this spring for more blooms — maybe even tomorrow!

Tomorrow is wide open with possibilities. To treat myself or be disciplined; to work in the yard or be indolent indoors; to rest my leg or go for a walk. So many choices! The one possibility that I will not entertain is to be other than myself — whatever that self might be when I wake in the morning.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Plagued by Restlessness

I find myself restless more often than not lately, and the return of dark and dreary days — cold, dark and dreary days — isn’t helping.

It’s time for me to drive again, and I considered doing so, except when I stepped outside, the cold drove me back inside. One of these days, I might have a garage, in which case driving will be a matter of pushing a button or two to get into the car, but for now, the vehicle is still out in the open and blanketed with a car cover. It’s been almost five years since the car was restored, so perhaps it doesn’t need to be babied as much. Or maybe it needs to be babied more. But whichever, it’s still more trouble than it’s worth to unpack the car and drive somewhere.

There’s no place to go, anyway, except to the grocery store, and if I went there, I’d want something more than healthy food. It seems as if this time is one that calls for treats to offset all the restrictions. Although I would really like to have had something to make me and the day feel less dreary, I opted for health.

I made salads for the next few days.

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I also made a stir fry and cut up vegetables for dipping. It didn’t help with the restlessness, of course, but I could feel good about what I was eating. Besides, I no longer know what a treat would be. I could get flour and sugar to make cookies or something like that, but then, with being isolated by myself, there would only be me to eat them.

Still, the stir fry was good, and there’s enough left for another meal tomorrow, though tomorrow, who knows — I might give in and go for something a lot less healthy.

Unless, of course, the sun is shining — then I might try to do something out in the yard. That’s different, since it’s not something I can do in the winter. But then, I’d be frustrated at all the building supplies taking up space in my yard instead of being put to use.

Eek. What a life!

Actually, despite everything, I still have it good and count myself lucky that restlessness is the worst of my problems. I wouldn’t even mind being so restless since it’s something that I’m used to, but this restlessness seems to be fueled by the dread of what is going to happen because of these draconian measures and how this whole plague-ridden mess is going to be used against us in the future.

But that’s the future. Today, I’m okay. Today, I’m lucky. Today, I’m grateful.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

An Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue Day

I’m still restless today, desperately in need of something new to do, to think, to see, to say. Just anything new. I’ve never been one to go shopping for shopping’s sake, but I understand the urge for something . . . anything . . . new and different. But shopping, in this time of isolation, isn’t a possibility, and anyway, I don’t need any “thing.” Just a bit excitement, maybe.

Yesterday my bit of excitement was going for a walk, which turned out to be very nice. There also doesn’t seem to be any additional damage to my knee. Actually, the knee seems to be fine; somehow, though, in all that limping the past few weeks, I seem to have pulled a calf muscle. Sheesh. But even that is not bad. I just need to rest the leg today.

So what did I end up doing for excitement today?

I shoveled dirt.

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Nope, not with a Cat — that was returned to the rental company a long time ago — but with a plain old shovel.

The ground behind the garage where the last segment of fence was erected was not level, so there are huge gaps between the fence and the ground, which sort of defeats the purpose of a fence since anything could wiggle its way into my yard. So today, I shoveled dirt to try to fill up some of those spaces under the fence.

It might not have been something new since I’ve done a lot of dirt slinging over the years, and it might not have been exciting, but it did need to be done, so it was satisfying in its way.

Hmm. This is beginning to sound like that wedding charm — something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Since the shoveling was both an old and a new experience, and the shovel was borrowed (the workers left it behind when they went off to do another job) so the only thing left is blue. And oh! How blue the skies were!

I also talked to the neighbor across the alley for a few minutes (keeping the requisite six feet apart). And then later my next door neighbor paused while walking her dog to exchange pleasantries, so this turned out to be rather a good old, new, borrowed, and blue day.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Looking For Excitement

It seems such an affront that not only are we dealing with a virulent disease, lockdowns, and isolation, many of us also have to contend with allergies, various small infirmities . . . and weather.

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April snows are not uncommon in Colorado, but still, you’d think we’d be given a pass on inclement weather if nothing else. I know we need the moisture (as long as the cold doesn’t kill my plants) and to be honest, the snow has almost melted, but still, I’m not really in the mood for gloom and doom. I need something exciting to do, though I’m not sure what that “excitement” would look like.

I still have plenty of “emergency” books to read, but the reason they are as yet unread is that I wasn’t all that excited about reading them in the first place. I still have some DVDs I borrowed from a friend months ago, and I suppose I could watch them so I could get them back to her, but the last time I mentioned them, she assured me that she’s not in any hurry for their return.

I could start writing a new book, I suppose, but anything I might write during this time would have a maudlin undertone, and that’s not the sort of attitude I want to perpetuate.

I could bake something, but I certainly don’t want to get started down that road — it’s hard enough to keep from gaining weight because of all the activity without tempting myself to indulge.

So what’s left? Maybe I’ll bundle up, grab my trekking poles, and take a risk with my knee. If that doesn’t calm my restless spirit, any resulting aches in my leg and knee will certainly make me more accepting of my indolence and isolation.

So, that’s what I’ll do. Wish me luck as I head out on my exciting adventure.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Free E-Book!

[image error]For the next month, A Spark of Heavenly Fire will be available as a free download from Smashwords in all ebook formats. You can find the book here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1842. Be sure to use the coupon code WN85X when purchasing.

I figure that by the time the world gets back to normal — or as normal as it will ever get — people will be sick of the very word “quarantine,” and won’t want to have anything to do with novel diseases or diseases in a novel, which is why I giving it away now. I hope I’m wrong about people not wanting to read about devastating diseases after this is all through because A Spark of Heavenly Fire is more than a story about a pandemic — it’s the story of survival in the face of brutality, government cover-up, and public hysteria. It is also a story of love: lost, found and fulfilled.

Washington Irving wrote: “There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” As I read these words several years ago, I could see her, a drab woman, defeated by life, dragging herself through her days in the normal world, but in an abnormal world of strife and danger, she would come alive and inspire others. And so Kate Cummings, the hero of my novel A Spark of Heavenly Fire was born. But born into what world?

I didn’t want to write a book about war, which is a common setting for such a character-driven story, so I created the red death, an unstoppable, bio-engineered disease that ravages the world, but mostly Colorado where the disease originated. Martial law is declared, rationing is put into effect, and the entire state is quarantined. During this time when so many are dying, Kate comes alive and gradually pulls others into her sphere of kindness and generosity. First enters Dee Allenby, another woman defeated by normal life, then enter the homeless — the group hardest hit by the militated restrictions. Finally, enters Greg Pullman, a movie-star-handsome reporter who is determined to find out who created the red death and why they did it.

Kate and her friends build a new world, a new normal, to help one another survive, but other characters, such as Jeremy King, a world-class actor who gets caught in the quarantine, and Pippi O’Brien, a local weather girl, think of only of their own survival, and they are determined to leave the state even if it kills them.

The world of the red death brings out the worst in some characters while bringing out the best in others. Most of all, the prism of death and survival reflects what each values most. Kate values love. Dee values purpose. Greg values truth. Jeremy values freedom. Pippi, who values nothing, learns to value herself.

It sounds like us, today — the crisis crystalizing our lives and showing us what we value most.

Click here to get your free ebook: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1842. Be sure to use the coupon code WN85X when purchasing.

Below is the video trailer for A Spark of Heavenly Fire.

***

[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.