Pat Bertram's Blog, page 301

I Am a Ten-Month Grief Survivor

I mentioned to someone the other day that it's been ten weeks since the death of my life mate and that I didn't know how I managed to survive that long, then it hit me. It hasn't been ten weeks. It's been ten months. How is it possible to live almost a year with half your heart ripped out? I still don't know, but I do the only thing I can: live.

After the nine-month mark, I had a respite from grief. I liked the symmetry of nine months of grief (gestation) before being born into a new life, but as happens with grief, the respite was merely that — a respite. A couple of weeks ago, the need to see my mate one more time grew so great it felt as if the yearning would explode from my body like the creature in Alien. The feeling came and went for a while, and now the creature has gone back into hibernation. But still, the yearning lingers.

I'm learning to live with the remnants of my grief. From others who have also borne such a loss, I've come to understand this is the next phase of grief — not soul-destroying pain as at the beginning, but blips of varying intensity and frequency. I know I can deal with this new stage of grief because I have been dealing with my grief all along, but still, a part of me rebels at the necessity.

Planning signifies hope and is supposed to be a sign of healing. Strangely (or perhaps not strangely; perhaps it's to be expected ) every time I make plans, I have an upsurge of grief. Plans take me further away from him and our life. They remind me of similar things we did together, and they tell me that from now on, he won't be sharing new experiences with me. Still, I am not holding myself back. I need to fill the hole he left behind, and new experiences are one way of doing that.

In the past four months I've gone to various art galleries. I've seen Mesoamerican antiquities, aristocratic clothing through the ages, local artists, classic art work. I went to a wild life sanctuary where they take care of captive-bred animals that zoos don't want. I went to the beach. In May, I'll be going to a writer's conference where I'll be a speaker.

All this shows that I'm moving on, and yet . . .

And yet he's still gone. That goneness is something I struggle with — how can he be dead? I wanted his suffering to be over, so I was relieved when he died, but somehow I never understood how very gone he would be. I don't want him to be gone, but he's not coming back, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

Tagged: dealing with grief, death, grief, healing, healing grief, hope, loss, loss of a mate, moving on, planning, stages of grief

Authors Who Reject Publishers

There's been a lot of talk recently about traditionally published novelists rejecting their publishers and releasing their books themselves. I can see that these novelists don't like making a pittance on their books, but it seems churlish to dump the very people that made them a success. Without the publicity departments of those publishing houses behind them, there is little chance that these authors would have ever attained their current popularity. If you are one among millions of unknown writers trying to sell your book to an unaware reading public, it doesn't matter if your book is stellar. It cannot shine without readers.

Many authors have the idea that wonderful books will always find a readership. Once that might have been true, but in today's book world, where anyone with a computer and bit of time on their hands can write a novel (sometimes in only a few weeks, including editing — yikes) the sheer numbers of available books can keep even a great book from rising above the flotsam.

Interestingly enough, only a couple of these once traditionally published authors wrote truly original novels. If the rest had to make their own way in the ocean of ebooks and self-published books, they would have not have found much of a readership. The major publishers want what I call blue-jeans books — books that are made from the same fabric as all the others in a genre but with a slightly different styling. They don't want anything too original because it is hard to sell. (I had several editors tell me they loved Light Bringer, my latest novel, which will be released by Second Wind Publishing this March, but they turned it down because they didn't know how to sell it.) The blue jeans quality that makes books acceptable to editors of major publishing houses is the very quality that makes them unremarkable in the self-publishing or independent publishing world.

I don't have much use for the traditional publishers, so I don't really care that these authors are shunning them, but it does give new writers a false idea of can be accomplished by going it alone. The very fact that these authors are dumping their publishers is news. Publicity, in other words. And it's only newsworthy because readers know their names. And readers know their names because the authors had the benefit of a big corporation's publicity department.

I might have been unaware of the situation, but one of these authors contacted me via Goodreads, asking me to be part of a promotional effort. He wrote that he'd send me (along with hundreds of others) an ebook if I promised to write a review and post it on a given date. I turned him down. I don't like his books, and I don't like being told when to post a review. Not that I would — I still have not learned the art of reviewing books. And if I did do reviews, I'd post reviews of books released by small, independent publishers. The point is, he sent me the ebook anyway. A story about vampires. Sheesh. Still doing the old blue-jeans dance.

I purposely did not mention any names in this bloggery since I don't want to help promote the authors. And anyway, it doesn't matter who they are. I certainly don't care, and there's a chance in the not-too-distant future no one else will either.

Tagged: blue jeans books, blue jeans quality, books, corporate publishers, ebooks, Goodreads, independent publishers, publicity, rejecting publishers, self-publishing, traditional publishers

Dear (Deleted) — Conversation With a Marketing Expert

One of my blogs is Book Marketing Floozy, a compendium of articles I collected to help authors learn how to market their books. Every time I see good information, I ask the writer for permission to post their article on the blog. (If you've written an article about some facet of book marketing, please let me know. I'll be glad to post it on the site.) The articles all credit the writers and provide whatever links the writers wish. It's one of my efforts to help promote other authors.

A month ago, a promoter contacted me asking for my help in promotion. This promoter owns a word of mouth marketing company that connects businesses with consumers and consumers with businesses. I thought you might appreciate the irony of our emailed conversation. I've deleted names to protect . . . me.

Dec. 27 — Pat, Your website & blog came across my search today — excellent recommendations on here for a niche marketing in the literary world!  How long have you been blogging?

I was curious to know if you might be interested in linking to an online degree program. I work in affiliation with (deleted) College and I wanted to make a recommendation to include the (deleted) College Marketing Management degree in your link list.

***

Dec. 30 – Dear (Deleted): thank you for your interest in Book Marketing Floozy. I've been blogging for three years, and Floozy is just one of the blogs I run (though it isn't a blog so much as a resource — I post articles sporadically, and most are written by other authors.)

If you'd like to write an article for me to post on the site about some facet of marketing, I'll be glad to include any links you want. The only condition is that the article has to be informative and helpful – a how-to – rather than simply self-promotion. –Pat

***

Jan 5 – Pat, We can certainly provide some content for a post.  If that's the case, ideally would like to provide a link in the post content as well as have a sidebar text link on your homepage or blogroll.  Is this possible? Let me know your thoughts. When would this post?

***

Jan 5 –Dear (Deleted), I can give you whatever links you want in the content, but I don't have a blogroll on that site, just a list of my blogs.

If the content is acceptable (helpful rather than self-promoting) I can post it whenever you want me to. –Pat

***

(Jan 20) Pat, Apologies for the delay in responding:

Attached is good solid information about the course program we discussed.  It's factual, so hopefully this is acceptable for your blog.

(What she sent was a list of courses along with a list of possible careers.)

***

Jan 20 – Dear (Deleted), I'm sorry, I didn't make myself clear. The article has to be a how-to of some facet of promoting. I will then include links for people to get further information about your program. What you sent me is nothing more than an advertisement. Free promotion for you. Book Marketing Floozy is (at least up front) a compendium of articles to help people learn about promotion. The back end, of course, is promotion for you, but you have to give them something to attract their interest. –Pat

***

Jan 21 – Pat, Below is an informational document about a career in Marketing.  Let me know your thoughts on this – hopefully this is something you can incorporate into your blog!

(This time she sent an expanded version of the course syllabus, explaining the career paths that will be open to students once they have their degree. A very expensive degree, I might add — tens of thousands of dollars in tuition.)

***

Jan 21 – Dear (Deleted), This article is still a promotion for your program. It doesn't tell the blog readers how to market their books. That is the whole point of Book Marketing Floozy. To tell people how to do some facet of promotion. Once they see the wisdom in your how-to article, they might click on information about your program, but you have to give them something to get something. You of all people should know that.

Please read the articles at book marketing floozy to see what I mean. http://bookmarketingfloozy.wordpress.com. I really would like to help you, but Marketing Floozy is a compendium of how-to articles. –Pat

***

Jan 24 – Pat, Thanks for the opportunity of posting on your website.  However, the whole point of us placing a link is for some type of promotion.  The article was written with the intent of being informational about various marketing careers. We will pass on this opportunity then.  Best wishes to you in the new year!

***

That was the end of the conversation.

So, there you have it: a marketing company trying to promote a marketing program on Book Marketing Floozy, and the marketer hadn't a clue what I was talking about. But then, maybe I'm the one who doesn't know what I'm talking about.

Tagged: blog, book marketing floozy, book promotion, email conversation, marketing, promotion, word of mouth

Trying to Relight My Life

When I was in high school, I participated in a thesis project for a doctoral candidate. He was trying to prove (I think) that given the right tools, anyone could teach and anyone could learn. The high school students were to teach kids from the lower grades about various aspects of science. During the first class, I handed each of my students a battery and a light bulb and asked them to turn on the light. They couldn't of course. I asked what they needed, and one kid said they needed a wire. I handed everyone a wire. A bit of experimentation later, they realized they needed a second wire. So, I handed out another wire, and in a very short time all those light bulbs were lit.

I've been thinking a lot about that recently — not the program so much as those wires linking the battery terminals to the light bulb. It seems to me that ever since the death of my life mate, one of the wires is missing from my electrical system, and nothing lights me.

Take movies, for example.

My family didn't have a television when I was growing up, and we seldom went to the movies, so I read to get my daily dose of stories. I wasn't a speed reader, but was a skimmer — if there was a boring part, such as long descriptions, inane dialogue, and action scenes that went nowhere, I fast forwarded. Skimmed in other words. As a young adult, I went to the movies occasionally, but found most of them dull since I couldn't skip over the boring parts.

After we'd been together for a few years, my life mate and signed up for an assortment of movie channels. Back then there were only four premium channels, and those channels offered dozens and dozens of new choices every month. The two of us became entranced with movies. It was something we could share, and the enjoyment we each felt enhanced the enjoyment the other felt. The humor was funnier when shared. The tender scenes more touching. The scary scenes more horrifying. And I wasn't bored. Didn't need to skim.

He started taping the movies we liked, then he taped those he liked that I didn't (such as genre westerns and war movies) then he went on to tape good parts of bad movies and finally he taped the best of the rest.

He's gone now, but his movie collection remains. I have over 1000 movies to sort through (since I won't be able to keep them all), so I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and I discovered something interesting. The movies that thrilled us, made us laugh, electrified us, the movies that radiated life — the movies that once seemed life personified — are now simply . . . movies. Films. Faded stories on a flat screen. As with the films I saw as a young adult (before I met him), these movies now seem to have nothing to do with me. I watch them. Can even enjoy them, but that's all. Turns out, I needed two "wires" to make the stories live in me, and one of the wires is permanently defunct.

I'm not even attempting to watch the movies we especially loved, the ones that seemed to be made just for us. Without the other electrical "wire" these movies might also prove to be lifeless streams of motion, which would be unbearably sad. And if the movies still hold up, I couldn't bear the sadness of watching them alone, without him. I'm sure eventually I'll find the courage to view them again, but not today.

If the missing wire only affected movie watching, I'd chalk it up to one more loss among so many, but the truth is, with his being gone, nothing seems real. It was as if his smile when I told him good news or his commiseration at bad news or his laugh at silly news grounded me, and made everything more vibrant.

I am getting back into the swing of my life, and I'm starting to feel "normal." Perhaps someday I might even find a way to relight my life despite that missing wire.

Tagged: battery, connection, electricity, grief, loss, movies, wire

Diving Off the Deep End

I never learned to swim as a child, so when I went to college, I signed up for beginning swimming for my PE credit. On the first day of class, the teacher had us line up at the deep end, then she said, "Dive in." What????? I stared at her, totally out of my depth. Well, not really out of my depth since I didn't even jump into the pool. I just stood on the sidelines while everyone else dived. The teacher kicked me out of the class. Apparently, though the syllabus clearly stated the class was for those wanting to learn how to swim, there was an undeclared understanding that people who could swim took the course as an easy way to satisfy the PE requirement, and she had no patience for someone who could barely float.

Today, I'm feeling the way I did that long ago day standing on the edge of the edge of the pool. I mentioned a year or so ago that I was asked to be a speaker at the Scribblers Retreat Writer's Conference on St. Simon's Island in Georgia, but I had to cancel due to a death. (Not mine, though it felt like it.) I thought that was the end of it, but conference organizers contacted me and asked me to reschedule. So I did. I'll be speaking at the May 2011 conference at 3:00 on Friday the 13th. Perhaps an auspicious date? I hope so! This will be my first ever speaker engagement. (No honorarium, but an incredible honor.)

I had no idea of the scope of the conference until today when I learned that the conference was recently voted one of the "Top Ten Organized Conferences in the U.S." by Writer's Digest. I also learned that Phillip Margolin will be fellow a speaker. Gulp. This is the big time. The deep end. Shouldn't I dip a toe in first? Test the waters? Nope. Have to learn to dive very, very quickly.

Oddly enough, despite my lack of experience and a niggling worry that someone made a mistake by inviting me, I know I can do a good job. I plan to use my character questionnaire and, with audience participation, show how to develop a character (and subplots and tension) by making a series of small decisions. I realize talking before a group is not the same thing as moderating online discussion groups, which is my usual venue for talking about writing, but I plan on having fun. And anyway, it's not as if I'm going to drown — or get kicked out of class — if things don't work out right.

Tagged: Character questionnaire, develop a character, Phillip Margolin, Scribbler's Retreat Writing Conference, St. Simons Island, writers conference

It's a Breeze!

I've never paid much attention to the weather except to figure out how to dress when I go for a walk. Nor have I paid much attention to the wind except to stay inside when the velocity picks up. But lately, I've been tracking the weather where I'm staying since this tends to be a windy area, and I do not like walking in strong winds in the desert. (Sand blowing in my eyes is not something I particularly enjoy.) So, when I see that winds of 8 to 15 mph are expected, I plan my walks for the calmer times. To me, anything more than a gentle breeze is a wind, and one to be avoided.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I discovered that winds with speeds of 4 to 31 miles per hour are considered to be breezes. A thirty-mile an hour wind is a breeze? Not in my world! I always thought the term "gentle breeze" was redundant, but apparently not. What I considered to be a gentle breeze — anything less than 4 miles per hour — is not even a breeze. It's just light air movement. A gentle breeze is a wind with a speed of 8 to 12 miles per hour. A fresh breeze is a wind with a speed of 19 to 24 miles per hour. A strong breeze is a wind with a speed of 24 to 31 miles per hour. A gale is a wind with a wind speed of 32 to 63 miles per hour. My dictionary defines a gale as a strong current of air. Who knew Webster had such a sense of understatement! (In case you're interested, a storm is stronger than a gale, and a hurricane strongest of all.)

In light of this information, a person with a breezy disposition would an uptight harridan, and something that's "a breeze" would be hard enough to blow you away. "The test was a breeze" no longer seems to make sense, but saying, "the test was a light air movement" loses something in the translation. I've always been a stickler for using words properly, but breeze is such a light, breezy word, that I will probably continue to use it the way I always have, to mean a gentle air current, something easy, or someone cheerful and free.

Tagged: breeze, breeze velocity, breezy disposition, fresh breeze, gale, gentle breeze, wind speeds

Grief Update — Throwing a Tantrum

I haven't blogged about grief recently. Actually, I haven't blogged about anything for a while. I'm in a transitional stage — not sure what I'm feeling, not sure what direction I want to go with this blog, not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've been purposely thinking of other things than the death of my soul mate, though grief does geyser up without my volition now and again, especially on Saturdays, the day of the week he died. Even if I'm not consciously aware of that day, still, nine and a half months later, something in me acknowledges the date, and sadness grabs hold of me.

Except not this Saturday. This Saturday (yesterday), I wanted to throw myself on the ground and beat the floor in a full-fledged tantrum. I've never thrown a tantrum in my life, but if I'd been someplace where no one could hear me, I would have made an exception. I wanted desperately to talk to him. His death was the most significant aspect of our lives since the day we met, and he's not here for us to compare notes. I want know how he's doing. I want to know what he's doing. Is he doing anything, feeling anything? Or is he drifting on a sea of light, like a newborn star?

It seems impossible that he's gone, and the simple truth is that I don't want him to be dead. Sure, I can handle it. Sure, I can deal with living the rest of my life alone. Sure, I can do whatever I need to do. But I don't want to. I want him. I want to see him. I want to see his smile. I want . . . I want . . . I want . . . All those wants erupted Saturday night, hence the desire to throw a tantrum.

I've never heard of tantrum as a phase of grief, but I've never heard of most of the stages I've gone through. My grief cycle does not at all resemble the stages defined by Kubler Ross. Hers is a simplistic view of grief when in fact grief is a cyclical emotional and physical quagmire. The frequency of my grief eruptions has diminished, and so has the worst of my pain, but the hole his death created in my life remains. I try filling the emptiness with physical activity, talking to people, reading, writing, even eating, but nothing fills the want.

How can someone who was so much a part of my life be gone? Even if he is waiting for me on the other side of eternity, he's still gone from this life. And I don't want him to be. I want . . . I want . . . I want . . .

Clear the area. I feel a tantrum coming on.

Tagged: death, grief, Kubler-ross, life, loss, loss of a mate, stages of grief, surviving grief, tantrum

Why Write?

A fellow Second Wind author posted a bloggery today about Keeping the Faith as a writer despite lackluster sales. It's a concern so many of us published writers have. The percentage of novelists who actually make a living at writing is ridiculously small, and to make matters worse, the top one percent of writers make more than all the rest of us combined.

When you consider how few writers ever make enough to quit their day job, (and this includes some writers who hit the bestselling list), the word "success" when it comes to writing needs to be redefined. Seems to me if writing brings you pleasure that makes you success. So does having your book chosen from thousands of submissions to be published. So does your willingness to write another book despite dismal sales figures. This puts you in a rarified group. Sure it would be nice to make money, but if we were really in it for the money, we wouldn't be writers. We'd be lawyers or accountants or even sales clerks.

There are good things about writing not being a paying job: we don't need to write to deadlines, don't need to worry about wordcount, don't need to fulfill anyone's expectations except our own. And that is reason enough to write.

Someone once said that the best thing a writer can do when they've finished writing a book is to write another. I thought that was silly advice because if you can't sell one book (or three), what's the point of writing more? I now know the point is writing. A writer does not attain maturity as a writer until he or she has written 1,000,000 words. (I'm only halfway there.) So write. Your next book might be the one that captures people's imaginations and catapults you into fame and fortune. Not writing another book guarantees you will never will reach that goal. It also keeps you from doing what you were meant to do.

One thing I know for a fact: sales do not make a writer a writer.  Of course, sales are nice, but in the end, writing is what makes a writer a writer.

So, let's all keep the faith. And write.

Tagged: maturity as a writer, why write, writing

Getting a Life

When I mentioned to a new acquaintance that I often walk two hours a day, she gave a snide little laugh and said, "You have no life."

Getting a life seems to be a common concern in recent years, but what is a life? And where do you get one? Lifes R Us?

I don't know how that odious terminology came into being or what it means. Often, especially in movies, "Getting a life," refers to dating and looking for a mate, but since the woman who accused me of having no life had also recently lost her mate, that couldn't be what she meant. Does having a life mean having a job? I'm in a transitional stage right now where I don't have a job, and am not currently looking. And anyway, I've never found working for others to be particularly satisfying, so a job can't be categorized as a "life." Could "a life" refer to emotions, to feeling? Well, recently I've had enough emotions to fill an oil tanker, so that can't be what she meant, either. Could "having a life" mean having fun? But that takes us into a whole other discussion: what is fun? Most of what people do for fun seems torturous to me, so I'll stick to walking.

I'm only being a bit facetious here. The truth is, if you are alive, you have a life. It might not be satisfying – it might even be painful – but it is a life. Life is experiences, both good and bad. Life is waking and sleeping. Life is being with friends and being alone. Life is reading and writing. Life is eating and dieting. Life is success and failure. Life is tears and laughter. Life is everything we are and everything we wish to be. Life is. 

Get a life? I have a life. And so do you.

Tagged: being alive, emotions, getting a life, happiness, life is, living

Grief: The Great Yearning

Now that my grief for my lost soul mate is evolving away from a focus on all I've lost and the accompanying pain, I can see the process more clearly. Perhaps for some people the stages of grief — denial, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance — hold true, but for me and for most of the bereft I have met on this journey, those stages have little meaning. For most of us, anger and even guilt are more like quickly passing moods than lingering phases. Some of us get depressed, but most of us don't. We're just get damn sad, which is not the same thing as depression. I've been in that dark pit and I know what it's like. This sorrow, no matter how intense, is not depression. And acceptance is not the end — in itself acceptance brings no peace. What does bring peace is feeling the grief and letting it evolve into something we can live with because the loss — the yearning — will always be a part of us. Getting to that point can take years, depending on the depth of the relationship.

Grief is an incredibly complex state that constantly changes and constantly brings changes. The underlying emotion of grief is yearning, not guilt or anger. Even after we've put our shattered psyches back together as best as we can, even after we've come to an acceptance of our new situation, the yearning to see our loved one last time can be overwhelmingly painful at times. The yearning (such a mild word for the ache or craving or hunger that tears at us) is often manageable, other times it shoots through us like a geyser bursting out of calm waters. Even decades after losing a spouse, or so I've been told, we bereft still feel the loss, still yearn for our mates.

A friend who lost her life mate four months after I lost mine, told me how much she hates people telling her to "move on". She's not like me, spouting her pain into cyberspace for all to see. If you didn't know she'd experienced such a soul-shattering loss, you'd never be able to guess it — she's keeping her grief to herself lest it burden others. She's taking care of her family. She's accepting the responsibility for an aging parent. She made the holidays special for those around her. She's writing. She's even going out and having fun, or at least as much as is possible considering her situation. In fact, she's doing all that she ever did, and doing it well. Yet people tell her to move on with her life. What else is there to move on to? Her grief in no way debilitates her. It's simply a part of her life, this ache to see her mate one more time.

Searching is another major component of grief that is ignored in the "stages" concept. We bereft search for our mates in crowds. We cry out for them, especially at the beginning. We search for them in our dreams. Of course we know we won't find them. This isn't a mental aberration, and it certainly isn't denial. It's simply a way of coping with the unthinkable. How can our loved ones be gone so completely? It's the goneness that confuses us, pains us. It destroys everything we always accepted about the world. (Of course we knew all lives end in death, but we didn't KNOW it.) As the search for our lost one diminishes, we begin searching for ourselves, for our place in this new, unthinkable world.

It would be so much easier to deal with grief if we had a list of stages to go through and to check off as we experience them, but that simply isn't the case.

So we yearn, and we search, and we go on living.

Tagged: death, death of a mate, denial grief, grief, grief guilt, grief search, grief yearning, loss, moving on, postaday2011, postaweek2011, soul mate, soul-shattering loss, stages of grief, surviving grief