Pat Bertram's Blog, page 296

Grief Group Update

In my last post, I told you that I got kicked out of my grief support group. The facilitator cancelled the meeting this week to give us time to "self-evaluate." If we are functioning in the normal world, we are not allowed to return. Since we didn't want to leave the newest member of the group without support at this critical time, we went on a picnic during the regular meeting time. Decided we couldn't do without the group, but we could do without the facilitator.

We're all going to the scheduled meeting next week. (What's he going to do? Give us grief? That doesn't scare us. We've been there.) We want to find out the truth, whether the directive was instigated by hospice, by the facilitator himself because of personal problems, or in response to a complaint from the one member who doesn't get the point of sharing. We just need to find a permanent place to meet. So far we haven't had any luck, but we won't let that stop us. We'll meet at members' houses, maybe at the park occasionally.

I called hospice last week and talked to the director. She professed ignorance of the matter, showed a decided lack of enthusiasm about my request to use the meeting room for our new group, promised to call me back, and never did. She also always seems to be out when I call her.

Strange goings on. Feels like high school. Or worse.

Even more bewildering, we were told they needed to pare down the group to make room for an influx of new members, yet they've been advertising the group on the radio. Huh?

Chances are, if the facilitator had kept his mouth shut, several of us would have left the group in the next couple of months anyway, but this whole situation has brought us closer together. Like disaster survivors.

Perhaps I have stayed with the group longer than absolutely necessary, but even if I'm just there to be around those who understand, what's wrong with that? My grief is dissipating, (though I am troubled by an upsurge in tears the past three weeks).  Mostly I feel like I'm disappearing from life. Don't feel quite real.

The truth is, I'm functioning well in the normal world (except for the small matter of being unable to write). It's the abnormal world of grief I have problems with.

Tagged: death, grief, grief support group, loss

I Got Kicked Out Of My Grief Support Group

I got kicked out of my grief support group. During the last meeting, the facilitator told us there was going to be a big influx of new people to the group, though why there would be an influx and how he knew this, he didn't say. What he did say was that if we were able to function, if we were able to go about our daily activities, we were supposed to leave the group. He also said the group was too social, but isn't that the purpose of a group? To support each other? We did talk before and after the meeting, but during the meeting, we stuck to the subject — grief — which was why we were all there. It was the only place we could continue sharing our sad tales and talk about what we were feeling. The rest of the world has passed on, leaving us alone with our emptiness and our tears.

In order to break up the group, the facilitator said he was going to cancel meetings for a month so we could evaluate ourselves, and then if we really, really, really needed the group, we could return. This stunned the heck out of me. Because he thought some people had overstayed their welcome, he was going to leave the newly bereft without any support for a month!! With Father's Day almost here? He finally agreed to cancel only a single meeting, but still, the whole concept is appalling.

Apparently, a group in another town turned into a social gathering, and to change the focus, that group was cancelled for a month. Only two people returned after the meetings resumed, and the facilitators congratulated themselves on a job well done. But no one checked to see why the others didn't come back. Perhaps, like me, they felt betrayed. A place that was supposed to be safe suddenly became dangerous. Sure, I could go back, but I'd never be able to open up again. I'd always be wondering if I was being judged, if I wasn't going through grief fast enough to suit the facilitator, if I were depriving some other poor soul of a say, if I were being too social or too articulate. (Apparently, my ability to talk articulately about grief is a drawback. Though why, I don't know. Just because I can put into words what others feel does not mean I'm not feeling grief myself.)

The facilitator kept saying, "This is hard for me." He never even looked at the shocked faces of the group participants, just kept saying how hard it was for him. Who cares how hard it was for him? He shouldn't have said it in the first place. (I'm not supposed to talk about what goes on in the group, but since I am no longer a participant, I can say what I want. Besides, it was more my group than his. I understood what people were going through. He didn't. How could he? He still has his spouse. Until you've lost a long-time mate, you cannot know, cannot comprehend the vast physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual changes such a death brings to one's life.)

We were originally told we could keep attending meetings as long as we needed. In fact, Medicare demands that hospice provide bereavement counseling for a minimum of thirteen months. Nowhere in that regulation does it say grievers are prohibited from attending if they could function in the world. Besides, if we couldn't function, we never would have been able to attend in the first place.

I'd stopped going to the bereavement group for a while, then returned to help support a friend through the worst of her grief, but it's come full circle and I need the group for me again. I was okay for the first two months after the anniversary of my life mate's death, but the truth — that he is irrevocably gone — has seeped into the depths of my being, and I am feeling heartbroken. I need to be with those who understand this upsurge in grief. Who don't mind my tears. Who know that the calendar means nothing when it comes to grief. Who realize that yes, the newly bereft need support, but so do those who are further along.

But now that solace has been denied me, and I'll have to go through this next stage of grief alone.

Tagged: bereavement group, betrayal, death of a spouse, going through grief, grief, loss, surviving grief

A Great Love Story

I'm working on my grief book, typing up my grief journal entries. I thought this would be a book about grief, but it seems more like a love story, which is so very ironic. Soon after I met my life mate — my soul mate — I quit my job to write. I wanted to tell the story of a great love that transcended time and physical bonds, told with wisdom and beauty. I sat down to write, and  . . . nothing. Back then, I thought all one had to do to write was to sit down, pen in hand, and let the words flow. Well the words didn't flow. So I put off my dream of being a writer and went about the business of living. Years later, while going about the business of dying (his dying) I started writing again just to get out of my head, to get a respite from my life. I eventually learned how to write, but I always wrote slowly . . . until I started a grief journal and posthumous letters to my mate. Those flowed. And now it turns out that this grief book could be that love story I always wanted to tell. Life sure plays games with us!

Several people have told me they envied me my great love, but I've hesitated to tell the truth: it didn't feel like love. We never had much of a romance. After a few brief years of hope and happiness, our love was sublimated by the constraints of his growing ill-health. It seemed that our cosmic love devolved into the prosaic things of life: cooking meals, doing errands, struggling to keep our retail business alive. And then it devolved further into simply surviving. Getting through the days as best as we could. We thought we'd stopped loving each other. We thought we were ready for the coming separation — he to death, me to life alone.

His hospice nurse, who got to know us both very well, told me she didn't think he and I knew how much we loved each other. And apparently that was true. That mystifies me — how could we not  have known? We always knew we had a deep connection, though we never understood it and at times we both railed against it in our struggle to maintain our own identities, but we took that connection for granted. And what is that connection if not love?

In my foolish youth, I thought I'd still be able to feel his presence when he was dead, but I only feel his absence, and maybe that's enough to remind me that love is not all hearts and flowers and passion. It is not what you feel. It is what you do. It is being there for each other. And, until the very end, we always were.

Tagged: cosmic love, death of a soul mate, dying, great love story, grief, loss, love, soul mate

Driving My Grief

It might seem as if I am making zero progress or even backsliding with this upsurge in grief blogs, but writing my book on grief is bringing it back.

Do you want to know the sum total of all I have learned in the fourteen months and fourteen days since my life mate died? Here it is: you can get through grief. You can learn to live without him. You can find happiness again by living one day at a time. But the dead are still dead, and nothing you do can ever change that.

That is what drives my grief. Not the self-pity that sometimes breaks through my wall of courage, not the sustained note of sadness that keens beneath my consciousness, but the awareness that he is gone. He no longer cares that he suffered for years with an ailment the doctors couldn't diagnose until it was too late. He no longer cares that he will never again watch any of his favorite movies or read a book. He no longer cares that he will never go on another road trip. He no longer cares that he will never again walk or talk or eat or smile. But I care.

Perhaps it is foolish of me still to care for and about someone who is beyond caring, but I cared immensely for him while he was alive, so why would I stop now that he is dead? He may no longer have feelings, but I do. Once he was alive and now he is not. Why shouldn't I care about that?

There are many books on the market about how to get through grief quickly, how to get your life back on track, how to put the dead out of your head and take what you can from life. I know there is an element of self-pity when it comes to grief, and those books address that issue. But self-pity is not all there is to grief. Grief is a vast network of emotional, spiritual, and physical reactions, and part of that is sorrow on behalf of the one who died.

If grief is just about me (and perhaps someday I'll get to the point where it is only about me), then it's not my place to care about my life mate being gone from this earth. But if life is worth living, how can I not care that it is being denied him?

The corollary is, if he is the one who got the better end of the deal, if he truly is in a better place, then why am I still here? But I'd just as soon not dwell on that.

Tagged: caring for the dead, death, grief, loss, surviving grief

Surviving a New Stage of Grief

I've been working on my grief book, typing what I wrote immediately after the death of my soul mate. Suddenly it seems as if the past sixty-two weeks have melted into oblivion and I'm back there again, newly bereft, wandering in a fog of pain, wondering how to cope with the massive changes in my life. I know I have come a long way because the revisited pain seems bewildering to me. Did I really feel all that? Did I really survive such a terrible time? Apparently I did, because here I am, mostly back to normal. I'm still lonely, though, and the loneliness surges unbearably at times.

Loneliness is the newest stage of my grief, as it is for so many who are coming out of the first numbing months of grief. I don't know how to cope with this vast loneliness, but I didn't know how to cope with any of the other stages of grief, either. I just embraced the pain, the anger, the sorrow, and waited for a gentler time. So that's what I will do with the loneliness. Embrace it and wait for it to subside. Waiting is not all I've been doing, though. I've been making an effort to be with people, which helps, and so does writing. I'd forgotten how quickly the hours go when one is immersed in words.

I still wonder if anyone will want to read this grief book when it is published. It is so intensely personal. And painful. Yet people who have read my blog posts about grief have found some comfort in them, so perhaps this book will serve the same function. Even if no one is interested in reading my daily struggles to come to terms with the death of my mate of thirty-four years, the book is important to me. It's a way of binding my grief into a neat bundle so I can get on with my life, though I have been told one never truly gets over such a loss. But we do survive, and that is ultimately what my book is about — surviving grief.

Tagged: death, grief, loneliness, loss, stages of grief

R.U.E — Resist the Urge to Explain

There is a maxim in writing called R.U.E — Resist the Urge to Explain. Supposedly, if you show your readers the story rather than explaining it to them, it will allow readers to draw their own conclusions, thereby making readers a part of the story.

In some ways, my novel More Deaths Than One is a simple story. A man returns home after eighteen years in Southeast Asia to find the mother he buried before he left is dead again. Or rather, he finds her obituary in the morning newspaper, and when he goes to the cemetery, he sees a funeral party. He also sees someone who appears to be . . . himself. With the help of an unfulfilled and quirky waitress he meets in a coffee shop, he sets out to discover the truth.

Beneath that simple story lies the question of what makes us who we are. Is it our memories? Our experiences? Our natures?

And beneath that is the real story — a mythic tale of a man who reflects the people he meets back to themselves. This is the story I did not explain. I wanted readers to discover it for themselves, yet I've learned (by way of less-than-stellar reviews) that not everyone sees this story. One reviewer, who thought that the relationships were developed with too little explanation, couldn't understand why the waitress would run off with someone she barely knew. I thought as readers got deeper into the story and noticed more of the characters seeing themselves in the hero (good guys saw good, evil guys saw evil, victims saw a fellow victim, the artistic saw the artist, the soulless saw a drone) that it would be apparent the waitress's adventure-starved soul saw in him the fulfillment of her dreams. I guess not.

It's too late to rewrite the story, and even if I could, I wouldn't. But . . . here's the question: should I have explained more? Should I have resisted the urge to resist the urge to explain?

(If you have not yet read More Deaths Than One and would like to, it's only $.99 on Kindle for the next couple of weeks. You can find it here: More Deaths Than One Kindle Sale.)

Tagged: $.99 Kindle, Kindle Sale, More Deaths Than One, R.U.E., resist the urge to explain

I Am a Fourteen-Month Grief Survivor

Fourteen months sounds like a long time, doesn't it? Plenty of time to get over the death of one's lifemate/soulmate/best friend. And yet, those who have been where I am today know you don't ever truly get over it. You deal with it, you get on with your life, but there is always that niggling feeling of something being not quite right.

I still feel bad for him that he's gone, that he suffered so much, that he died too young, that he is no longer here to enjoy something as simple as eating a bowl of his chili. (Though the batch I made today in his honor wasn't worth coming back from the dead for. The kidney beans were overcooked, the onions undercooked.)

I still feel sad for me, that I'll never get to see him again in this lifetime, that we'll never get to do all the things we planned, that his smile exists only in my memory, that I'm alone. I'm glad we had all those years together, but that doesn't ease the loneliness he left behind. It is odd, but for some reason I never expected to be lonely. I'm used to spending time alone, I know how to entertain myself, and I'm quite capable of taking care of myself (though the thought of growing old alone makes me panic at times). I also have more friends now than I've had in many years. But still, I'm lonely — lonely for him specifically, and lonely in general. Perhaps my loneliness is another stage of grief rather than a character flaw. Perhaps someday it, too, will pass, as have other manifestations of my grief.

One stage of grief I am clinging to is anger. Not rage, just a quiet pilot light of anger. I accept that he is dead in the sense that I know he will never be coming back (though I still long desperately to go home to him, still yearn to see him one more time). But I cannot accept the rightness of his death. It seems so terribly wrong that death was the only resolution of his illness, the only solution to his pain. And that does anger me. Anger is generally considered to be a negative emotion, but during the past few months I've found that in small doses, anger is a positive thing. Anger can give us the strength to survive. Anger can give us the energy to do things we couldn't do under normal circumstances. Anger can give us a feeling of control in uncertain times. Anger can keep us going when we want to give up. Anger can give us the courage to live with the injustice of death. Anger can motivate us to find solutions to problems, can motivate us to undertake dreaded tasks, can motivate us to change our lives. So, yes, I'm clinging to whatever vestige of anger I can. It's the only way I can get through these lonely days.

I am now more aware of the years looming in front of me than the years behind me, those years we shared. I've been saying that I don't know who I am now that he's gone, but I do — I'm still me. Still the person I've always been, just older and sadder. I've mostly untwinned our lives, no longer see me as half of a couple. And yet, something is missing. I don't cry much any more, but sometimes I find myself crying for . . . I don't know what.

It's a relief to be telling the truth. I've been keeping upbeat the past few weeks – preparing for my presentation at the writers' conference, traveling, being around people who only know me as an author, posting photos of my adventures. It was wonderful, but it's only half my story. The adventure ended, and now here I here I am. Fourteen months of missing him, and still counting.

Tagged: anger, death, death of a soul mate, grief, loneliness, lonely, loss, positive side of anger, stage of grief, tears, yearning

Stellar Review for Light Bringer

I got an email from Aaron Lazar this morning. If you don't know Aaron, you should. He is a fine writer and a contributor to the Murder by Four Blog. He was one of the first to buy one of my books, one of the first people I kept awake at night finishing my book, one of the first (if not the first) who dreamed of my characters!! And now he has joined the club of those who have read (and loved) all of my books. I'm sure he won't mind if I share his email with you:

Pat, Here's the mini-review for Light Bringer. Dang, that was one FINE read!

***

I'm already a fan of Pat Bertram's books. I've read them all and loved them deeply. But LIGHT BRINGER was something completely new and surprising… surprising in its freshness, originality, its genre bending brilliance. Part thriller, part fantasy, part sci fi, part mystery…its plots were large and complex, encompassing themes that plague us every day; offering social and world commentary blended with weather trend observations (where ARE all those tornadoes and tsunamis coming from??) I do believe Bertram has defined a new genre, and it is a pure delight. Fresh. Original. Riveting. The characters are real and engaging. I particularly enjoyed the bit of romance between Luke and Jane – yes, another subplot. I couldn't put it down and extend my highest

compliments to Ms. Bertram for her supremely smooth writing – there are no hiccups in this book.

Very highly recommended. — Aaron Paul Lazar, author of the LeGarde Mysteries, The Moore Mysteries, and the Tall Pines Mysteries



***

Tagged: Aaron Lazar, Light Bringer review, Pat Bertram fan

Immersing Myself in Southern/Island Culture

My visit to St. Simons Island, GA to speak at the Scribbler's Retreat Writers' Conference was my first trip to the south, and I made sure that I immersed myself in the culture (at least as much as one can in a few days). I walked on the beach, climbed the lighthouse, toured a Civil War era cemetery, strolled among live oaks dripping with Spanish moss (which is neither Spanish nor moss but a member of the pineapple family). And ate. She-crap soup. Crab cakes. Shrimp and grits. Red beans and rice. Key lime pie. Fried oysters. Fried green tomatoes. Fried dill pickles. Vidalia onion pie. I was disappointed in the fried green tomatoes and the beans and rice. Both dishes were seasoned heavily with rosemary, which is my least favorite herb. And I was disappointed not to find such haute cousine as fried Twinkies, but I'm sure my stomach thanks me for the oversight.

I also met a woman I considered to be a quintessential fading southern belle. She was still beautiful despite being past her first youth, and hospitable (she took me on a tour of the island on Sunday in the hours between hotel check-out and my flight home). She was also charming, sweet,  and  . . .  from Maine. Just shows one should not assume anything.

Several of my meals were eaten in the company of fellow speakers Phillip Margolin, Chuck Barrett, and Jane Wood, (and Chuck's delightful wife who taught me that "the store is always open," meaning that authors always need to be ready to promote themselves. Maybe I'll even heed her words and carry my bookmarks with me!)

I'm still trying to collect the photos that people took of me, but until then, you'll have to be satisfied with photos I took.

The Hotel where I spent Wednesday and Thursday night

My room at the Village Inn

Atlantic Ocean

Pier at St. Simons Island

Civil War Cemetery

Southern Gothic

Fried Green Tomatoes, Fried Oysters, Vidalia Onion Pie, Fried Dill Pickles

Tagged: Atlantic Ocean, Civil War Cemetery, Fried Dill Pickles, Fried Green Tomatoes, Fried Oysters, photos of St. Simons Island, Scribblers' Retreat Writers' Conference, Spanish moss, St. Simons Island, Vidalia Onion Pie

St. Simons Island Lighthouse

I mentioned in my previous post that I went visited the lighthouse on St. Simons Island instead of working on my presentation for the Scribblers Retreat Writers' Conference, and it was time well spent. How often does one get to roam around a lighthouse unsupervised? Luckily there was a handrail, because 129 narrow steps is a long climb!

Lighthouse at St. Simons Island, GA

Lighthouse tower entrance

View from the top of the lighthouse -- Jekyll Island and the Atlantic Ocean

One foot forward -- Beginning the dizzying descent.

Tagged: Atlantic Ocean, Jekyll Island, St. Simons Island Lighthouse