Pat Bertram's Blog, page 115

The Roaring Twenties Return with . . . Murder!

In just a few weeks, the twenties will come roaring back. (You knew that, right?) To celebrate, the local Art Guild is going to be doing a murder mystery dinner with a nineteen twenties theme. And guess who has been elected to write this mystery?

I knew you’d guess it was me, so there was no reason for the mysteriousness except that I need to start cultivating the habit of finding mystery in small things. Otherwise, how am I going to come up with an appropriate story?

The challenge of the murder scenario I wrote for the museum was to offer clues that prove someone didn’t do the dastardly deed. (It’s easier to offer clues that they did, such as blood on a cuff.) The challenge here is to . . .

Well, to be honest, I don’t know what the challenge will be since I haven’t yet started developing the story. I do know who will be the victim. I know where all this takes place: one night at a speakeasy. I know an Italian dinner will be served. I know there will be a representation of at least some of the iconic elements of that 100-year-old decade besides the speakeasy: jazz, gangsters, flappers. (Am I missing an element? Prohibition, of course, but a speakeasy would include the idea of prohibition since without Prohibition, there’d be no need for a speakeasy.)

The main things I need to figure out are: why would anyone kill the doomed one? How does the setting fit in? How will the story unfold? Why would the killer do it in such a public fashion? (Other than the needs of the story, of course.) How will it be done? A gun would be obvious, and would add the startle factor, especially if it came from outside the room, but poison would make for a more mysterious death — the victim could be acting normally, then slip to the ground midst loud gasps of shock.

There’s no need to worry about alibis since the suspects are all in the speakeasy when the murder happens, so that’s a beginning.

There will be four to six suspects. An appropriate 20s theme or thread that holds the story together. A hook for the murder. A surprise ending. But what any of those things are, I have yet to figure out. Luckily, I have a few weeks until the end of the year. And I just have to come up with the story. I don’t have to write a book (though there is a possibility that eventually a book will work its way out of me).

Necessary characters: A flapper, the boyfriend, a gangster (who could be the boyfriend), a waiter, and . . . .?

Besides the characters themselves, I need reasons why all these folks wanted the victim dead.

Feel free to add your two cents if you wish, or even your twenty cents.

Don’t worry, I’ll keep you informed about my progress whether you want me to or not.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

 

Ask and You Shall Receive

I’ve asked for many things in my life that I never received, small things like not getting a refund for something I ordered that had never been sent and big things like Jeff getting well, but apparently, Jonathan apples are one thing I can ask for and actually receive.

I’d asked the produce manager at the local grocery store for Jonathan apples, and he ordered them. (I wasn’t the only one that wanted them, which helped. He says he has several ladies who want Jonathans and only Jonathans).

The order finally came in! I had to ask where the apples were because I didn’t recognize them. The Jonathans I was used to, those grown in Colorado, were small. The apples I was steered toward didn’t look any different from any other apple, and since the apples didn’t have a sticker as so many do, I wasn’t sure what I was getting.

Also, I wasn’t sure I would know a Jonathan anymore if it bit me (or rather, if I bit it) — it’s been many years since I’ve even tasted one.

But one careful test bite and oh, yes! It was exactly as I remember — perfection!

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why Jonathans are different from other apples. They have the shortest growing season of all apples, which makes them scarce. A soft crispness makes them bruise easily and prevents long-term storage. A tart sweetness makes for a great baking apple and even better eating. And yet, despite the distinctive flavor and texture, they still have that appleness that all others have. (If you close your eyes and take a bite of an apple, you know what you are eating, even if you don’t recognize the exact variety.)

Well, it’s been nice visiting with you, but I have to go. A Jonathan apple is waiting for me!

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

And the Streak Continues!

[image error]Can you believe it? It’s been fifty days since I started blogging every day again. Wow, that went fast! For me, anyway. For you, it might have been a long slog since my post topics have been all over the place, with only a thin theme to bind them together: what goes on in my life and in my head.

I blogged every day for many years, and then things happened to get me off the track. Buying a house. Moving. Starting a new life. Even before the house, though, I’d stopped blogging about whatever came to mind. When I was trying to find an agent for Grief: The Inside Story — A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One, I needed to present myself as someone who knew what she was talking about, and a post about apples, for example, just wouldn’t cut it. So I tried to focus on grief topics.

The problem was that I had nothing left to say about grief. I’d spent months working on Grief: The Inside Story, and I included everything I had learned about grief in the book, especially the things that the professional grief community got wrong.

When I started writing the book, I’d been more or less pain free for a year or two (there are always upsurges of grief that one cannot plan for), so I had to dig deep to reconnect with my grief, and in doing so, I’d wrung myself dry.

Consequently, there were no non-grief posts, but no grief posts, either.

As it turned out, it wouldn’t have mattered whatever I wrote for this blog. Literary agents are only interested in people who have tens of thousands of followers, and I’m nowhere close to that number. The irony of it all is that if I had such a following, I sure as heck wouldn’t have needed the agents!

By that time, though, I’d lost the habit of daily blogging, so I finally challenged myself to blog daily for 100 days in an effort to kickstart my writing.

Now here I am, halfway through that self-imposed 100-day blog challenge, and enjoying it immensely. I’d forgotten how good it feels to find something to write about each day, something that happened, maybe, and try to show why it was important.

The challenge ends on January 2, 2020, which means there are forty-eight days left until the end of the year.

What are you going to do with those days?

I know what I’m going to do: blog!

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

It Is That Season

The VFW sponsors a youth essay contest, and this year I was asked to help judge the local entries. Hearing so much about schools nowadays, and how kids aren’t learning anything, I felt some trepidation, but I was surprised. Each essay in its way was very good. A few seemed age-appropriate, but others seemed adult in both ideas and writing style, which could just have been a matter of number of years of schooling since the entrants ranged from 6th to 8th grade.

Still, I was impressed with the essays. And, I have to confess, I felt a bit impressed with myself that I actually agreed to be a judge. It is so not something I like doing!

But then, I end up doing a lot of things I never thought I would do.

This is the season when all the charitable organizations make a concerted effort to solicit donations. Without a lot of research, it’s hard to know how much of the money you donate actually goes to the people it’s supposed to help, but this year, I don’t have to research. I know.

One of the organizations I joined is the Woman’s Civics Club, which raises funds and then distributes those funds to various local organizations. Often, those funds are solicited directly from the members. (For example, instead of having a bake sale, the Civics Club has a non-bake bake sale. They found that considering the cost of the goods, the time to make them, the effort to sell, it’s simply easier just to donate the amount of money the baked goods would have brought in.) With the treasurer’s report that is read at every meeting, I know exactly where the money goes. Same with the art guild.

I’m sure that the international charity organizations do good, and that not all the money goes to the CEOs and exorbitant operating costs as is sometimes bruited about, but it’s so much nicer to worry only about the local community. A community I am part of.

Does it seem as strange to you as it does to me, that I am part of a community? That I participate? That I even judged kids’ essays?

But maybe it’s not strange. Maybe it is that season — that season of my life.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Someone Who Understands

I made a pastor cry today. Or maybe it was just that I offered him the opportunity. But still . . .

A local church had a potato bar and pie auction for a fundraiser, and I went. Interestingly, I’ve spent more time in various churches during the past few months than I have in decades; all of my new friends are religious, and each of them attends a different church. Since all the churches seem to work together for various activities, I see these people at many functions.

And I see new people. As I was leaving at the end of the auction, someone I’d never seen before came up to me and asked me why people called me Pat in the Hat. She said that when I came in, she heard people saying, “Here’s Pat in the Hat.” I pointed to the hat I was wearing. Yep. That’s my claim to fame. Always with a hat.

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Today was an especially fun event until I ruined it with my talk of grief. The pastor auctioned off the pies, and he was so persuasive and so utterly charming and amusing, it was hard not to participate. Afterward, a friend introduced us and mentioned I was a writer. He asked what I wrote, and I said mostly mysteries but I had also written a couple of books on grief. So of course, I started expounding about grief, what I’ve learned, and what I’ve been doing to pass my experiences and expertise on to others.

He seemed impressed that I had such a mission. We talked about how so many grief counselors hadn’t experienced profound grief themselves, and how it skewed the help they were able to offer.

Then I noticed he had tears in his eyes. “Who did you lose?” I asked quietly. “Your wife?” He couldn’t respond right away. Finally he said, “Not wife. Children.” I hugged him, and said I was so very sorry. He nodded at that, and said, “You do know the right thing to say.” (So yes, I was right with my post a couple of days ago about saying “I’m Sorry.”)

I didn’t ask particulars about the deaths — it seemed too intrusive — but we talked a few more minutes about grief and loss and emptiness. He thanked me for participating in the auction, and for being such a good sport. Then we parted.

It still holds true after all these years, that grief can quickly bind two people in a profound moment of sharing. Neither of our losses are recent, but both have left holes in us that nothing can fill. Although his faith is strong, and he believes he will see his children again, he still sorrows. He never got to see them grow up. Never got to see the adults they could have become.

It’s hard to lose part of oneself like that. It’s hard to live with it. But he does.

We all do.

We always feel their absence.

And we always feel the grief that connects us to someone who understands.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Friends Reading Friend’s Books

I visited with a friend this afternoon — I wanted to show her some ornaments I’d bought from another friend, to see if she wanted me to order any for her — and I was amused to see my book on her coffee table. The book is certainly in good company! And it sure tickled me to know she’d been reading it.

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It really has been nice, having people I know read my books. Luckily, so far, they’ve liked what they read.

Luckily, too (for you anyway), I have nothing else to say on the matter, so you can spend your time doing something more interesting than reading blogs on the internet. Like reading one of my books, perhaps?

Here is the link for Daughter Am I: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002ZVOH2Y/

And here is the link for my author page on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Pat-Bertram/e/B002BLUHUY/

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

I’m Sorry

People often ask me what’s the best thing to say to comfort someone who is grieving. My response is that nothing we can say can comfort someone who has lost their spouse or income or health or whatever it is they are grieving. We still need to say something, though (unless we are in the griever’s presence, then a hug is often better than any word). We can’t just ignore a friend’s pain.

Oddly, despite all my various losses, and despite all my writing about grief, I still feel helpless and tongue-tied in the presence of other people’s sorrow.

Several friends are going through devastating times right now, either death of their spouse, an imminent breakup, loss of income, severe health issues.

All I can think to say to these grievers is a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Although most people think “I’m sorry” connotes an apology, the first definition of “sorry” is: “feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune.” Which is exactly what we want to say to someone who is hurting.

The only problem with “I’m sorry” is when you add “for your loss.”

Not only is “I’m sorry for your loss,” too rote, too insensitive, too bureaucratic, it also seems a bit too distancing. The first two words express distress and sympathy, a reaching out; the last two words seem to repudiate the outreach, making it clear the distress is the griever’s alone. Although the agony and angst of grief does belong to the griever, each person’s death diminishes us all. And that loss of light in the world should be acknowledged.

Even more than that, it’s not just the loss we are sorry for. We’re also sorry for everything else that comes along with that major loss: the chaotic emotions, the feeling of amputation, the lifestyle change, the lessening of income, the brain fog, the hardships of growing old alone, the loss of the person we were with our deceased loved one, the increased death rate, the horrendous stress.

Most people don’t have an inkling of the scope of grief that the death of a loved one or a devastating divorce or a financial trauma can bring, so they distance themselves. I can’t blame people for not wanting to know the truth.

But I do have an inkling.

And I’m sorry for all that you are going through, so very sorry.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

One Good Apple Deserves Another

A while ago I wrote about apple season, and how hard it was for me to get my favorite Jonathan apples (haven’t had one for years). I also mentioned in a comment on that post about how I used to also like Rome Beauty apples, but they seemed to be disappearing, too. I hadn’t eaten one or even seen one for decades. Well, today I went to the grocery store, and there it was, a Rome Beauty apple, though now, apparently, they just call them Rome apples.

But they are still beauties. And still a treat.

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Even better, the produce manager said Jonathan apples appeared on his order form today. And perhaps he will have them on Monday.

Oh, wow!!

I am so looking forward to treating myself to more apples. As they say, one good apple deserves another. Well, no. No one has ever said that but me, right now. Doesn’t make it any less true.

I am seventeen days late for National Apple Day in the USA (October 21), but have a Happy Apple Day anyway! I sure will.

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

The Opposite of Peace

A blog blast for peace almost by definition demands thoughts of the opposite state (violence and fears) because if peace were the norm, we wouldn’t need to talk about peace — it would be taken for granted. But peace is not necessarily the norm, except among you and me and the rest of us peaceable folk. In fact, violence, way more than peace, is an acceptable part of the culture: witness all the violent movies, TV shows, video games.

Sheri Parks, an assistant professor at the University of Maryland, says that many teens today have had years of exposure to violent video games and media images, which studies show desensitizes them to violence. Not surprising. Many of today’s — and yesterday’s — video games were developed by the military because studies had shown that repeated images of violence and death inured people to killing. In World War II, as many as 85% of soldiers fired over enemies’ heads or did not fire at all. After World War II, there was a concerted effort by the military to overcome this natural reluctance to kill, and apparently they succeeded, because during close combat in Vietnam, only about 5% of soldiers failed to aim to kill. These same desensitizing “games” were later released as toys for children.

Findings such as these about desensitization — whether new or old — scare the heck out of me. Author Lee Child says that we don’t write what we know, we write what we fear. Perhaps this is true. My books are filled with fears — fear of being at the mercy of mindless governments and corrupt corporations, fear of deadly and unstoppable diseases, fear of the loss of self, fear that our memories lie. Since all of these fears can be lumped into one group — fear of powerlessness — I wonder if all fears came down to that same thing. Mine do, anyway.

[image error]This theme of powerlessness is most prevalent in my novel More Deaths Than One (in fact, I came across the information about desensitization while researching the military, soldiers, and killing for that particular novel) though it shows up in milder forms in all of my novels. Conspiracy? Perhaps. Truth? Probably. Fear? Definitely.

Through stories, you learn how to deal with your fears, especially if you are the one writing the story. If you novelize a fear of being eaten alive by monsters from outer space, then the terrestrial ones eating you alive don’t seem so monstrous. If you watch a movie about aliens taking over your body, then the terrestrial one taking over your mind might not seem quite so alien.

You don’t think you are being eaten alive or that your mind is being taken over? Well, you are and it is — it’s called aging. Little by little, the you that you know is being supplanted by a creature you could never fathom being. Some people turn into querulous beings totally unrecognizable from the derring-dos of their youthful selves. Some turn into their mothers. Some . . . Well, I’ve scared you enough.

I researched phobias to see what sort of things other people are afraid of, and now I’m in danger of becoming a phobiaphobe. Although I am sympathetic to anyone caught in the horror of a phobia, I do enjoy the names. Names such as levophobia, kainophobia, lachanophobia, mageirocophobia, melophobia, nomatophobia, nyctohylophobia, paraskavedekatriaphobia. Great names for dreadful conditions.

In the end, except when it comes to writing with its necessity for conflict, it seems as if peace is a much easier way to live than the alternatives of fear and violence that permeate our culture. So here’s to next years Blog Blast for Peace!

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Okay, I’ll let you off the hook so you don’t turn into a Sesquipedalophobe (someone who fears long words). Here’s what the above-mentioned words mean:

Levophobia — Fear of things to the left side of the body
Kainophobia — Fear of anything new
Lachanophobia — Fear of vegetables
Mageirocophobia — Fear of cooking
Melophobia — Fear of music
Nomatophobia — Fear of names
Nyctohylophobia —- Fear of dark wooded areas
Paraskavedekatriaphobia — Fear of Friday the 13th
Phobiaphobe — Fear of fear
Triskaidekaphobia — Fear of Friday the thirteenth

The one fear I hope no one ever gets is patbertramophobia. So not good for me as a writer!

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Who Visits My Blog

Well, yes, of course, you visit my blog. But so do people from all around the world.  Most come from the USA and other English speaking countries. Others come from countries I’ve never even heard of, and yet, someone in those countries has heard of me. What an amazing thing the internet is!

Here is a map showing where my visitors originate:

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Pink shows visitors, and the darker the pink, the more visitors. Apparently, if I am reading the map correctly, the only places from which no visitors have come are Greenland, Svalbard, Turkmenistan, Western Sahara, Guinea-Bissau, Chad, and Central African Republic. I find this utterly astonishing. Not to be disingenuous, but I simply can’t imagine being interesting enough to attract so many different people.

Here is the incredible list of countries where visitors have come from. (The number represents visitations only, not views, since often people click on more than one blog entry, and each click is a view):

United States
364502


United Kingdom
64705


Canada
42126


India
35091


Australia
25092


Philippines
7152


Pakistan
6247


Ireland
6045


South Africa
4668


New Zealand
4236


Malaysia
4145


Singapore
4003


Germany
3227


European Union
2448


France
2093


Netherlands
1982


Indonesia
1657


United Arab Emirates
1556


Brazil
1364


Hong Kong SAR China
1318


Italy
1317


Spain
1283


Norway
1262


Russia
1258


Saudi Arabia
1091


Denmark
1085


Thailand
1053


Japan
1012


Sweden
1002


Turkey
957


Lebanon
939


Bangladesh
881


Vietnam
875


Romania
834


Mexico
827


Belgium
822


South Korea
799


Switzerland
739


Nigeria
733


Poland
714


Kenya
711


Greece
709


Argentina
685


Israel
589


Nepal
570


Egypt
561


Jamaica
556


Sri Lanka
510


Portugal
490


Finland
462


Trinidad & Tobago
444


Austria
415


Taiwan
406


Hungary
353


Ukraine
337


Jordan
330


Cambodia
319


Malta
316


Ghana
298


Qatar
292


Czech Republic
278


Bulgaria
278


Serbia
271


Mauritius
261


Kuwait
260


Morocco
252


Croatia
244


Slovakia
236


Puerto Rico
231


Colombia
226


Slovenia
194


Oman
185


Tunisia
171


Albania
162


Algeria
158


Chile
156


Iraq
153


Cyprus
153


American Samoa
150


Bahrain
141


Bahamas
141


Lithuania
138


Estonia
131


China
126


Uganda
124


British Virgin Islands
121


Iceland
119


Zimbabwe
119


Tanzania
117


Latvia
115


Georgia
112


Myanmar (Burma)
110


Peru
108


Ecuador
102


Venezuela
101


Macedonia
100


Botswana
96


Guyana
96


Costa Rica
94


Palestinian Territories
93


Panama
91


Armenia
91


Belize
88


Brunei
85


Barbados
80


Maldives
79


Fiji
77


Bosnia & Herzegovina
76


Isle of Man
74


Luxembourg
73


Jersey
71


Azerbaijan
70


Bhutan
69


Dominican Republic
64


Afghanistan
63


Namibia
62


Antigua & Barbuda
59


Yemen
55


Syria
55


Zambia
55


Kazakhstan
54


Grenada
54


Moldova
53


Malawi
49


Papua New Guinea
49


Guernsey
49


Ethiopia
48


Guatemala
47


Belarus
47


Macau SAR China
46


Bermuda
46


Guam
44


St. Vincent & Grenadines
44


Cayman Islands
44


St. Lucia
43


Cameroon
41


El Salvador
37


Libya
35


Uruguay
34


Curaçao
32


Laos
32


Bolivia
31


Lesotho
30


Gibraltar
29


Honduras
28


Paraguay
27


Mongolia
26


Nicaragua
26


Montenegro
26


U.S. Virgin Islands
25


Swaziland
25


Rwanda
25


Aruba
24


St. Kitts & Nevis
20


Suriname
20


Mozambique
20


Dominica
19


Monaco
19


Côte d’Ivoire
17


Northern Mariana Islands
16


Sudan
16


Seychelles
16


Åland Islands
14


Senegal
13


Congo – Kinshasa
12


Somalia
10


Kyrgyzstan
10


Angola
10


Madagascar
9


Vanuatu
8


Djibouti
7


Uzbekistan
7


Réunion
7


Guadeloupe
7


Anguilla
7


Liberia
6


Caribbean Netherlands
6


Solomon Islands
5


Faroe Islands
5


Haiti
4


Cook Islands
4


Turks & Caicos Islands
4


Benin
3


Iran
3


Burundi
3


French Polynesia
3


Cuba
3


Liechtenstein
3


Gabon
3


Sierra Leone
3


Timor-Leste
2


Martinique
2


Mali
2


Tajikistan
2


Micronesia
2


Vatican City
1


Burkina Faso
1


South Sudan
1


Congo – Brazzaville
1


Falkland Islands
1


St. Helena
1


Marshall Islands
1


Mauritania
1


Netherlands Antilles
1


French Guiana
1


Montserrat
1


Kiribati
1


Cape Verde
1


Niger
1


Samoa
1


Sint Maarten
1

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[image error]Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.