Michael Rubens's Blog, page 5
September 28, 2012
Rules for the characters of Yrnameer
Rules for Kenneth:
Kenneth is indestructible.
Kenneth is having more fun than you.
See rules one and two.
Rules for Cole:
When offered a choice between the high road and the low road, yes.
Rules for Nora:
DO NOT DICTATE RULES FOR NORA.
Rules for Joshua:
Whatever they are, he’s following them assiduously.
September 27, 2012
Another exciting author event!
Featuring me! An author! And several other authors! Namely:
JEFF HIRSCH - Magisterium
ELIOT SCHREFER- Endangered
KODY KEPLINGER - A Midsummer’s Nightmare
GWENDOLYN HEASLEY- A Long Way from You
LARA AVERY - Anything But Ordinary
We’re all appearing at Books of Wonder on Tuesday, October 2, from 6-8pm. Books of Wonder is at 18 West 18th Street, New York, NY (it’s a hell of a town — the Bronx is up, and the Battery down). I’m not sure what, exactly, to expect, but the title of the event is the alliterative Terrific Teen Titles for Fall.
Spambot chat #3
sueanniaquintaunc: Hi are u there?
Me: i so totally am!!!!!
sueanniaquintaunc: heya
Me: heya, spambot!!
Me: how exciting that you’ve randomly found me!
sueanniaquintaunc: hey whats up sweetie?
sueanniaquintaunc: whats up, I found your username on a AOL member directory of social sites..not sure which one cause it bundles them all together lol
Me: ha ha ha that’s so funny how wonderful great whoopie wow!
sueanniaquintaunc: im not desperate hehe i just enjoy talking to ppl online especially via webcam
Me: webcam? wow! i bet you’re probably in a state of undress as well, correct? this must be my lucky day!
sueanniaquintaunc: umm.. I have a camera on my computer i can turn it on if u want me to?
Me: boogers tree leaves brass knuckles monkey breath!
sueanniaquintaunc: are you signed up to any dating sites? i met a lot of cool people on adult friend finder, and only weirdos on fling lol
Me: talking gerbil faust oven-baked nose bandaid! gluten!
sueanniaquintaunc: ya well, i am bored at home…and this usually leads to bad things anytime i take a break from school work i jump online
Me: school work? you must be a barely legal hottie! onion rings dvd hegel!
sueanniaquintaunc: well…i am a true “autagonistophiliac” which means I have a fetish for being on camera you can google it if you dont believe me! lol
Me: of course! your desire to be on camera is overwhelming, and it’s coupled with a desire to share your images with random people! I am honored! sidewalk overture suitcase trombone!
sueanniaquintaunc: hmm red is my favorite too I have a reallllly sexy red bra and panties, I’ll show you on my cam
Me: i said absolutely nothing about red. i am now insulted. you’re not listening.
sueanniaquintaunc: hmm red is my favorite too I have a reallllly sexy red bra and panties, I’ll show you on my cam
Me: now you’re simply repeating yourself, leading me to believe that, in addition to the aforementioned autagonistophilia, you’re suffering from some sort of spambot neurological condition.
sueanniaquintaunc: (2:04:22 PM) nah, I am a vegetarian… no spam for me! haha
Me: ha ha ha! brilliant! a PUN! i love PUNS!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
sueanniaquintaunc: have you ever used CamCrush? its a site that allows us to chat, and even go live like skype
Me: pho ga hot sauce plastic baggy!
sueanniaquintaunc: they give you a unique page, I can give u my link if u want
Me: i’m concerned about you. i’m concerned about your compulsive behavior, i’m concerned about your lack of boundaries, i’m concerned by your overuse of emoticons.
sueanniaquintaunc: go there and my video will load, just click the “Accept Invite” button on the bottom left before it expires, and it’ll connect us..if you’re camera shy you dont have to show yourself, I’M the one with the fetish remember LOL
Me: well, just hold on a moment. this just doesn’t feel right. how about this: why don’t i turn on my webcam, you send me your credit card number, and that way we’re equal? otherwise i feel like i’m taking advantage of you.
sueanniaquintaunc: umm.. I have a camera on my computer i can turn it on if u want me to?
Me: we’ve already discussed that. what i’m offering if for me to turn on my webcam, in exchange for a small fee. i have several funny faces that i practice with my daughter — she loves them. i’m sure you will too. can i have your credit card number please?
sueanniaquintaunc: umm.. I have a camera on my computer i can turn it on if u want me to?
Me: my concern for you is only growing.
sueanniaquintaunc: im always either on the phone or online, im a chat addict lol…i dont normally give my number out but if you meet me in the chat and I get comfortable with you we can talk on the phone
Me: i have a better idea: i’m a ham radio enthusiast. perhaps we could exchange handles?
sueanniaquintaunc: my number is (number)…my phone is dead, so give it a few minutes to charge, and please dont go give that out! lol…come talk to me over on the chat site
Me: my CB handle is “weekend role-playing-game participant” — hit me up, good buddy!
sueanniaquintaunc: its free, they ask for info for age verification…but I know you’re not a kid and im sure i’ll keep you entertained though
Me: really? you can do funny faces, also?
sueanniaquintaunc: 24/f/California
Me: huh. i’m only nine, and have no access to any forms of payment whatsoever. does that affect your opinion of me?
sueanniaquintaunc: i love the site cause its streams fast in real-time sorta like a skype, fill out your info, its only for age verification k?
Me: please stop using emoticons. i loathe them.
sueanniaquintaunc: i use this site to play on cause i don’t want to be recorded, just watched!…this site doesn’t allow people to record my cam just click the “Accept Invite” button on the left of the page and we’ll be able to have a live chat
Me: once again i’m seized by the suspicion that you’re not actually reading my responses. i just asked you to desist with the emoticons, and yet the very next post you send has an emoticon.
sueanniaquintaunc: credit card is just to verify your age, it’s free thru my cam session invite since I’m a premium member
Me(2:19:27 PM) phew — i was afraid you’d try to take advantage of me.
sueanniaquintaunc: (2:19:57 PM) yup, then once your logged in just go to the search on the top left and type Jen so you can find me, incase you get lost hehe..i’m gonna slip into something nice for you..k?
Me: farfegneugen!
sueanniaquintaunc: I should be somewhere on the top row, you should see my pic
Me: could you wear a layer of raw bacon, then roll in colored sprinkles, then pour honey on that and add feathers, then zip that all into a jumpsuit, then roll yourself up in a carpet, and then have the whole thing dipped in resin? could you wear that for me?
sueanniaquintaunc: hmm red is my favorite too I have a reallllly sexy red bra and panties, I’ll show you on my cam
Me: you must — i repeat, MUST — see a neurologist.
September 23, 2012
Jon Scieszka!
Had a chance to meet and chat with Jon Scieszka today at the Brooklyn Book Festival. Jon has written lots of great books, but if all he had ever done in his entire life was to write The Stinky Cheese Man, well, dayenu.
He also founded Guys Read, an organization dedicated to helping boys learn to love reading. He’s a great guy, and very warm and funny and generous, and he did a fantastic job of appearing genuinely interested in Sons of the 613, a copy of which I pressed into his hands. Thank you, Jon!
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September 21, 2012
Wonderful Yrnameer review
The book came out back in 2009, so it’s always nice to stumble on a new and very positive . Thanks, Maria Mankin of Books, J’adore!
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We all make out with ourselves.
…which was one of the bullet-pointed items on a long list a woman was reviewing on the subway, apparently notes for some sort of dance performance. Other items:
* Crazy Shake
* Hands rise to airplane
* Brazil nuts
I’m in.
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September 20, 2012
Advice for new fathers
My stellar editor at Clarion, Daniel Nayeri, just had his first child. I shared with him the three pieces of advice that I give new fathers, based on my own experience:
1. The mother will now go insane for three months. Or maybe you are insane. Or both of you are. Either way, I just remember general insanity. Then it dissipates.
2. At some point the child will develop unmistakeable symptoms of some horrible, devastating disease or disorder. There will be no doubt in your mind that your child has this horrible affliction, because there is simply no other possible explanation. None at all. You are almost certainly wrong. The child is fine.
3. This is for later down the road, when the child has solid poops. You, being a modern dad, will of course be changing diapers. As you likely know, one disposes of the poop in the toilet before putting the soiled diaper in the diaper genie. Now pay attention, because this is very, very important: when dumping a solid turd from the diaper into the toilet, MAKE SURE YOUR FACE IS NOT IN THE WAY OF THE INEVITABLE BACKSPLASH. You’re welcome.
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September 18, 2012
Another spambot chat
lovemakena13: hey.
Me: hey!
lovemakena13: hey there whats up?
Me: holy smokes! this is so wonderful! i’m so excited!
lovemakena13: have we ever talked before. 21/f here. you?
Me: 87/m! i have no teeth and i’m wearing an adult diaper!
lovemakena13: oh cool. hey do you want to see my new pictures i just uploaded?
Me: hold on — i’m not done! i’m also pouring gravy on my head and admiring my booger collection, which i’ve been cultivating for decades!
lovemakena13: ok there on my profile. just go here (link deleted) and sign up for free.
lovemakena13: let me know what you think
Me: i’d really rather hear your opinions on me. can i send you some pictures?
Me: also, point of grammar: the contraction for “they are” is “they’re,” not “there.” “there” is either a noun or an adverb.
Me: and don’t even get me started on “their!” ha ha!
Me: ha ha!
Me: hello?
Me: where did you go?
Me: i miss you.
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September 11, 2012
Sons of the 613 is out today!
My second novel, Sons of the 613, comes out today, on the auspicious date of September 11. Here’s a link to the starred review in Kirkus, in which they say, “Everyone should read it the moment he becomes a man.”
The 613 in the title refers to the 613 commandments in the Old Testament (and you thought there were only ten!). When you have your bar mitzvah, you’re literally becoming a “son of the commandments” — hence the title.
This is not, however, a Jewish book. Those expecting a heart-warming tale of an adolescent being gently guided to manhood via the religious and cultural wisdom of the Jewish faith will most likely be disappointed. This is not about the protagonist, Isaac, becoming a Good Jew. It’s about his struggles to become a Man — or at least a Man as defined by his volatile, brawling, alpha-male of an older brother, Josh, who puts Isaac through a series of increasingly difficult and often dangerous challenges, the suburban equivalent of a primitive rite of passage.
There is also, as some have noted, some vulgarity in the book — a style of speaking that one might term Realistic Adolescent. There’s bad behavior and adult themes and all sorts of issues that one confronts when one is over twelve years old (and often when one is younger than that). To those offended by it, I’m sorry. To those of any age who understand what it’s actually like to try and figure out what it means to be a grown-up, I hope you enjoy it!
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