Taylor Tryst's Blog, page 4

It's Official

Well, I did it. I reserved a moving truck and set the date for July 1st. It's official, we're moving back to Arizona. I'm both excited and terrified at the same time. We've been in Minnesota for ten years and it's going to be very difficult to leave. Especially since my grown son, who is now 23, is staying in Minnesota and building his life here. I've never been more proud of him, though.

But, I've also never NOT been his "home base". Sure, he's traveled a lot in his lifetime, but he's always had a bedroom available to come home to, for his clothes, his hockey gear, with us. It's always been home.

For years it's been myself, my mother and my son against the world.

Now, my nephew has been enveloped into our fold. He's had a tough life, gone through things he shouldn't have had to deal with and needs as much love and support as everyone around him can offer. His father lives in Arizona, as does my entire family. Aunts, cousins, friends I haven't seen in ages. I had a life there for twenty three years and I swore when I left that I was never going back. Never say never! Life has a way of throwing a curve ball at your plans.

I'll miss the dear and wonderful friends we've made in Minnesota, however. We never would have made it this long in this Arctic, frozen land if we hadn't had help from so many wonderful neighbors and friends. I'll miss the lakes, the green beauty of the trees and grasses, the serinity and quiet.

But, I won't miss the frozen pipes, the icy steps and ground, the deep, unrelenting snow that is still, on April 5th, covering most of our grass.

I came to this place looking for a new life and experienced many broken hearts and tragedies. For awhile, this peice of land helped me heal some of those wounds. The trees, the grass, the land itself. I learned gardening skills and that nurturing plants and flowers can be so incredibly healing to the soul.

Do I still have issues? Huh, that's a whole other blog post, but today I feel like it's time. It's going to cut deep, but I need to let go of it all. Will I be leaving my heart in Minnesota with my son, his half sister and our dear friends, with my sisters grave. Absolutely.

But isn't everyone fragmented in this way. They move on, leave pieces of themselves in the places of their travels. Step from one life to another, change and evolve to survive, possibly to thrive.

I hope so, anyway. Change is inevitable, but when you've been frozen in one place for so long, it's a bit terrifying. I was reminded yesterday that I've been through a lot, but I survived. That deep down, I'm a strong woman and I'll be able to handle anything that comes my way.

Now, I just have to make that my mantra.

Have a great day. Off to do some light packing and then writing and editing.

Taylor

 

Happy Birthday, Niecie

Yesterday was a tough day. It would have been my sister's birthday. She passed away two years ago this last December.She'd have been 40 years old yesterday.A milestone birthday. I looked at the calendar and couldn't help but be reminded. We did spend 37 years being sisters, after all. But, she's been on my mind a lot, lately. I've been contemplating writing her story. Our story, though it's mostly the details of how her life was tragically ended, and how we've all been dealing with the simple act of living every single day since, which hasn't been so easy. It's difficult for myself and my mother, but no one has suffered more than my nephew, who was only ten years old when she died. He had to deal with things no child should ever have to endure. My biggest hope is that she's in peace.That she's watching her son grow up, that she's with him in spirit. Though he's having a rough time, he's come so far. There have been extreme ups and downs, but we love him so deeply, as I know she did. I know she never would have left him alone, and I wish more than anything that somehow I could change the way things turned out.But we can't go back. We can't drag time backward, no matter how many prayers we utter, no matter the vast amount of stars we wish upon, or tears that sting our cheeks. We can't hug those lost to us, we can't change their mistakes or ours. I can say that I understand my sister a little better now. I see you so differently now. I'm so sorry for that, sorry that the insight came too late to help you live. It's a huge burden, the living carry. To think we could have changed things. To ponder that day in and day out.But, taking that insight and using it to tell your story, that's something I can try to do. It's something I'm finding I have to do for peace of mind, for any solace. For justice. If I can tell your story, then maybe you didn't die in vain. Maybe someone out there will be helped in some way with the telling of the truth. Maybe there will be some sort of cosmic justice, the righting of the wrongs that were out of our control. Deep thoughts, I know, but nothing is easy, even my musings. Happy Birthday, lil' sister.  

Ideas?

I was sick as heck yesterday and ended up camped out in my warm recliner in the living room with a fire going. I luckily stumbled upon one of my favorite movies. No, not a blood and guts "Guy" movie but a good ol' fashioned "Chick Flick".

The Hallmark Channel was running a Good Witch marathon.

OMG...I loved the original and I had no idea whatsoever that they'd created a series. I love Catherine Bell, the main actress. She was in the series JAG, all those years ago. The Good Witch series is just...magical.

All the romance and the little hints of magic had my brain tumbling almost as much as if I'd been reading a great romance series.

I also had the newspaper, and read that during the annoying commercials. One photo of an icy dock that went into woods for a mile or so triggered one scene in my mind.
A stark image of a woman running down that boardwalk, with no where to go.

Suddenly, my mind was racing. Why was she there? Who was chasing her? What could she do to escape?

I finished watching the Good Witch and by the end of the five movies, the very tiniest thread in a new book was born.

It's so incredibly awesome when that happens.

So, where do you get your inspiration? I know writers are asked that question very often. What about readers. Where do you get your inspirations? Movies, books, real life.

By the way, Catherine Bell, you rock!!!

Have a fabulous day,
Taylor

Touching Ghost by Regina Carlysle: Currently Free on Amazon

A Fun and Fabulous read from Regina Carlysle, a leading lady of erotic romance. SEAL Ren "Ghost" Ramsey never expected sparks to fly when he meets up with his childhood friend, Dr. Sadie Ballew while on leave in Key West. He's surprised to discover she's successful, sexy, and divorced. Sadie had always been too good for the likes of him, a son of an alcoholic and slated to become no better. He should keep her at arm's length, but he wants nothing more to burn up the sheets with the sassy lady she's become.

Sadie isn't fooled by the badassed, dangerous facade Ren wears like a second skin. She only sees the sweet yet conflicted boy she loved and lost all those years ago. Afraid to let him go off on another dangerous mission without knowing how she truly feels, Sadie needs to find the confidence to make the leap from friends to lovers.                                                                   Buy Now  Show more Show less

Narrative Non-Fiction, Fiction or Memoir?

I'm in research mode.

My life has been relatively stressful as of late, and many emotions have resurfaced. Painful emotions that are debilitating to face. At this point, however, I have no choice. It's either stop living or face them, and I'm afraid death is not an option.

So I've been researching non-fiction writing and the pros and cons of fictionalizing a true story versus writing narrative non-fiction. There's another option as well. Writing a memoir.

I've never read them, though.  I have no idea of the format, the point of view, first person. I have never written in first person and that's not only terrifying, it's going to be...well...painful.

I've begun this story as fiction, separating myself from the characters, but it fees...wrong. It's still painful, yet it's also putting distance between myself and the actual story, a story that is screaming to be told. It's my sister's story. My story. My nephew's story. My mom's story. They all twist together into the story of our lives, the story of her death, the story of injustices that loaded the revolver she had at her head and the people who gave her the gun.

I was a voracious reader and reading romantic suspense and then erotica helped me get a handle on the genres and assisted me in the process of learning the basics. I've downloaded many best selling memoirs and they are engaging and attention grabbing. They pull you into the story with first person point of view. I'm hoping to come away with a better understanding of how the author wove a tale that involved them so personally. Of telling truth, painful and aching,  revealing and embarrassing, and putting it out into the world so that perhaps it might help one person, one family, one child, to understand that they aren't alone.

Have a great weekend,
Taylor

The Little Things

Doesn't that picture just make you cringe? Thanks to the subzero temperatures in Minnesota as of late, I'm dealing with a whole slew of plumbing issues. A frozen well pump and the main septic line dripping in the crawl space. Oh yeah, good times. Good times. All of this while it's been -30 below zero with the wind chill. I can't exactly go out and shut off the water. I mean, I imagine the pipes and well pump would freeze solid and not defrost until spring. Which in Minnesota means April, by the way. One thing dealing with all of these plumbing issues has done, however, is cement the issue in my brain, heart and soul, that yes, indeed, we do need to move back home. Home?Arizona. It's a balmy 50 degrees there about now. Yes, I could SO use that temperature difference.Now, the fun of moving. Of finding a place to move into first, I suppose. We have animals, so we can't exactly just pull up stakes and hit the road. Not to mention, my nephew is in school until May. But, if I can find the right house, in the right neighborhood, in a fabulous school district, I might just run. Quickly. That means saving every penny. Trying to motivate myself enough to write and format and upload as many books as I can on the Amazon KDP website. I have four completed books that can be uploaded. I have many more in progress. So, to make a long story short. 2013 is going to be a busy year.A year of returning to my roots.It's terrifying and yet comforting at the same time.I have family in Arizona. I have friends. Good friends.I won't feel quite so...alone.I'm trying to blog more in 2013. I'm trying to make this my most productive year, but I hesitate to announce that because when I do utter aloud something along these lines, usually Murphy of Murphy's Law is pretty quick to retaliate.  Have a wonderful day and a fabulous year.Taylor    

Subzero

January in Minnesota.2013One word.Cold. I can't believe January is almost over. I can already tell this year is going to go by in a blur. So far in Northern, Minnesota, as with a lot of the country, it's been cold. Freeze your butt off cold. We've had many subzero nights with the wind chill dropping down to -25 to -35 below zero. And it's supposed to be just as chilly tonight. I do have to run some errands, but after that I'm getting back into my fuzzy flannel jammies and camping out under my blankets. Stoking the fire. Drinking coffee and my new favorite, hot herbal tea, honey and cinnamon. I'm nearly done with the formatting of Leather and Lace and will be excited to release the updated version with a new cover and all. It will be available on Amazon KDP. What do you do to stay warm? In or out of the gutter, people. lol  Have a wonderful weekend,Taylor 

2012 In Retrospect

 2012 was a painful year for me, but I've learned so much about myself. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. That's a liberating feeling.

I survived.

Pain. Heartbreak. Loss. Loneliness. Isolation. Depression. Anxiety. PTSD.

I survived another year.

I'm still here despite it all.

Maybe learning to break the stronghold of the past over my life will be part of my success in 2013. I sure hope so.

In December I failed to complete the final edit on a book I wanted to release for Christmas of 2012. I was devastated by that. I fell into an even deeper depression, doubting myself, writing, my future. Then something amazing happened. The deadline drew near and then bounded by and I felt so relieved. Revitalized even.

Maybe it was the clean slate ahead of me, but I felt all that pressure slide off my shoulders.

I set goals. I'm going to achieve them one at a time instead of constantly reminding myself of each failure, I'm going to focus upon every success, no matter how small or mundane.

Moving forward, even in baby steps.
Being positive.
Being kinder to those I love and even those I don't.
Being kinder to myself. I'm my harshest critic.

Good luck to you in the coming year.

Taylor

UNmotivated

Maybe it's the cold. In Northern Minnesota today we'll be lucky if the wind chill breaks into the teens. I knew the cold was coming, but I'm hating it more than usual this year. It probably doesn't help that I've been about as stressed as a person could be. Things going wrong, breaking, bad luck abound and in abundance.

I have no motivation whosoever. I mean, none. I spent a week with an appointment for someone every day, driving to town, driving to other towns, and it wiped me out. Mentally. Physically. Just exhausted. The barely get out of bed kind of exhausted.

I don't mean to complain, but to explain why I haven't blogged in...well, a bit. Why I haven't written much at all.

NANOWRIMO...SNORT! Total mistake for me this year. I knew better. I don't write well when I'm pressured or under stress. I've always known that about myself. I shouldn't have even bothered. Was foolin' myself, I suppose.

It doesn't help that the two year anniversary of my sister's death is coming up in December. Two years. It's both been the longest two years of my life and yet the quickest, if that makes any sense. Hard to believe she's been gone for nearly two years.

Two years of no more whispered conversations between sisters, of a bond that time nor life could break, even though it tried. Hell, who am I foolin'. In the end, it won. They don't say life's a bitch for no reason. It certainly is.

Nearly two years later, I'm angrier about her death. About her leaving us, her leaving my nephew, her leaving me. I never got to say goodbye. I miss her. The "I'll never agains" bug me. I'll never again laugh at a lame joke she cracked. Never again admonish her for some embarrassing behavior, because sister's often embarrass each other, it's in the code.

Never again laugh despite myself, because only she could make something about me, usually something I don't want to admit even to myself, something embarrassing, funny. Sisters do that, I suppose. Allow us to laugh at ourselves because they know all those deep, dark secrets. They're our other half, after all. Not twins, but a bond unbreakable just the same.

When that tie is severed by a sudden and unexpected death the lone sibling is....lost. Left hanging like a thread on an unravelling sweater, waiting to be tugged and unwound, helpless to do anything to stop fate.

I spend so much time putting up a front. The strong one. The one in control. I was the oldest, after all. It's what I've always done. Taken care of others, even when I'm falling apart inside, unwinding, a tug at a time, fraying.

Writing about this. About my sister. Her loss, her life, her pain, the loss of her, our lives, our pain, and the never agains...

Maybe it'll help keep me sane. Maybe it'll help the pain. Maybe it'll help me make it through another year, another Christmas without her. Her son is growing into an incredible young man. He's been through so much, is going through so much still, but I know she'd be proud.

I guess that has to be enough.

So, I'll watch TV. Veg out. Sleep late. I'll ride this coaster of down and hope it takes me back up.

What do you do to draw yourself back when you feel yourself slipping into depression?

Thanks for listening, for reading, for allowing me to vent.

Taylor

Frazzled and Dazzled: NaNoWriMo

 I've been a little frazzled by life lately. Busy. Running around. Bad luck. Seems I go through
cycles of this in my life. I used to let it weigh on me, let it bog me down, but now I'm trying
to work my way through it. Trying to come out on the other side of it with something to show for the difficulties.

So, what do I do? I sign up with my dear writer friend to participate in the  2012 NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month.
50,000 words
30 days
300,000 writers participating.

Crazy, right? lol

Yeah, but it's the right kind of crazy. A kind of crazy I can get behind.

So, I'm going to work on my second kid's novel.
Garret Dawson, Ghost Hunter & The Mystery of the Ghost Bear.

I had so much fun participating in the writer's contest on Figment that I can't help myself. I've been searching for another idea and one happened to fall into my lap when my son told me about a Native Alaskan Legend.

I'll be writing these beneath my given name, S.L. Williamson.

So, as crazy busy as my life might be, I really want to do this. It's been a long time since I could really just go for it. Don't worry, I'm still going to be writing adult novels as Taylor Tryst. I'm working on my second vamp book now.

Have a great day,
Taylor