Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 612

Bringing the May 21 rapture to life!

An brilliant idea from the mind of author Wendy Clinch:

"Rapture prank: On Saturday, take some of your unwanted clothes and shoes and leave sets of them arranged on sidewalks and lawns around town."

Pretty ingenious.  Huh?

And considering that my wife informed me that I have no nice clothes and that the best shirt she could find in my closet for me to wear for a recent television interview was "inoffensive", I probably have some items that I can spare.

Our new favorite photograph

All she wants to do is splash in puddles.

Unacceptable platitude #2

"Nobody's perfect."

Your own perfection was never in question.  In fact, it wasn't even in the universe of possibility, so to imply that I might not have been aware of your imperfection only serves to highlight how far from perfect you are.

Furthermore, how do you know that nobody's perfect? 

Do you know everybody? 

Philosophers can't even agree on the definition of perfection, and yet you are ready to declare that all 7 billion people on Earth are, sight unseen, imperfect?

My new hero and heroine

I have a brand new hero and heroine in my life, and neither one is old enough to vote.

Amy Myers is a high school sophomore who has challenged Minnesota representative and Tea Party loyalist Michelle Bachman to a debate and public test on the Constitution, U.S. history, and civics.

Myers says Bachmann's frequent errors, misstatements and distortions aren't just bad for civic discourse.

They are bad for women.

"Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole," Myers writes.

"It took until the 19th amendment for women to be able to vote, and now it seems like the most famous women in politics are kind of jokes.  You've got Christine O'Donnell, who's best known for her reputation as being a witch, then Sarah Palin, and the controversy with her and the shooting in Arizona, and then you've got Bachmann."

See what I mean? 

My new heroine. 

As for my new hero, please say hello to Chris Whitehead, the 12-year-old who wore a skirt to school to protest against rules which ban boys from wearing shorts.

Whitehead (and Dicks) say that it is unfair that girls can change into skirts during the hot weather while boys must suffer in long pants.

I've always contended that dress codes are discriminatory.  Women can often get away with wearing a tee-shirt, skirt and sandals in many professional environments while men are required to wear pants, a collared shirt and a necktie.

I find these rules to be inequitable, arbitrary, artificial, narrow minded, archaic and stupid. 

I also find it amusing that in the heat of the summer, men are required to wear more clothing than normal while attending formal events like weddings, and as a result spend much of the time sweating profusely while simultaneously attempting to shed their required layers.  At the same time,  women tend to wear hardly any clothing at all to these events (at least in comparison to their everyday dress), and often end up shivering  inside air conditioned dining rooms with their spouses jackets draped around them.

This makes no sense.

Chris Whitehead agrees, and he did something about it. 

Something that I had thought about doing for years and never had the courage.

Unacceptable platitude #1

"At least I admit my faults."

How is this supposed to help me?  I already know that you're an idiot.  Acknowledging your stupidity has no value to me.

At least I admit my faults?  At least?  This platitude is in no way an acknowledged means defending one's position, nor is the passive-aggressive implication that I fail to admit to my faults any form of accepted counterattack.

Maybe I have no faults.

Maybe one as admittedly flawed as you has no business assessing the potential faults in another human being.

Besides, I wasn't looking for a confession.  I was hoping that instead of admitting to your faults, you would get rid of them, or at least no display them so prominently in my presence. 

Be careful for the big, fast choo-choo train

How do you think the guy feels?

Incredibly stupid or a complete bad ass?

X marks the spot?

I discovered this is my town today.

Someone please explain how a business like this operates? 

More important, what is the purpose of the black circle around the letter X in EXCHANGE?

It's the small design decisions that interest me the most. 

Puddle jumping

Clara was jumping in puddles yesterday.

She loves jumping in puddles.  She actually begins talking about the puddles at the first sign of rain. 

Yesterday she insisted that I jump as well, identifying specific puddles and sections of puddles in which she wanted me to splash.

This is one of the best reasons to have a child. 

They remind you of the true purpose of a puddle.

Not the best tribute to firefighters

When I was about ten-years old, I was awakened from my bed by a firefighter. 

Rather disconcerting, I can assure you. 

Our chimney was on fire.  Several people stopped their cars along the side of the road, knocked on our door and warned my parents that the chimney was on fire.  Sparks and flames were shooting out from the brick structure into the night sky.  But my step-father scoffed at the notion, assuring each would-be savior that he was just burning some green wood in the wood burning stove.

He never even bothered to step outside the house to take a look at the chimney. 

Eventually the fire department arrived and informed my step-father that he was a moron.  Then they evacuated the kids from the house. 

So I respect firefighters a lot.  They carried me out of my childhood home that night to safety, and for a long time I considered becoming a volunteer firefighter.

That said, I do not endorse Cee Lo Green's new song dedicated to firefighters.

Green, whose mother was a firefighter and who was recused from a car wreck by firefighters as well, rewrote the lyrics of his well-known song F**k You again, this time changing the name of the song to Thank You and spinning the lyrics into a song of appreciation for all the firefighters who risk their lives everyday for morons like my stepfather.

I say again because he already changed the song to Forget You in order to garner radio play and inclusion on movie soundtracks, a decision that I also did not endorse.

While I am typically opposed to vulgarity in music, the use of it in this particular song was so perfect that I was willing to make an exception to my rule. 

Despite the language, and perhaps in part because of it, I love this song in its original form.

Love it. 

Forget You is a shadow of the songs former self, and changing the lyrics for a third time, even for such a good cause, makes the song seem like an empty vessel into which Green can dump any two word sentiment that suits the occasion, an aspect is highlighted in this new version song when Green sings, "I wrote this song about you. What would we do without you?"

He didn't write this song about firefighters.  He wrote the song about a guy who has been dumped by a girl because he didn't have enough money. 

The lyric should read, "I re-re-wrote this song about you. What would I do with it?" 

It's not easy (or perhaps wise) to criticize a song written in honor of firefighters, but it is slightly less difficult to criticize a song that has been re-re-written to honor firefighters. 

Just write a new song, Cee Lo.  Don't marginalize and commercialize one that was at one time so perfect.  

And as you watch the video, could someone please explain Green's use of his iPhone as he record the song?  Is he really reading the lyrics off the phone?  Or using some metronome app?  Or making a personal recording of the recording?

Or is he just checking email, which is what it looks like to me. 

The damning and the damned

In almost every relationship, there is one person who is always ready to exit the house and one person who is not. 

In almost all relationships, these roles never change.  One person is ready every single time and the other is not. 

The former spends a lifetime waiting by the door, shuffling feet, thumbing through magazines, arranging sofa pillows, trying to remain calm. 

The latter spends a lifetime listing a series excuses for the delay, in addition to expressing practiced confusion and outrage over any attempt to by the former to expedite the departure or simply provide a reminder as to the current time. 

I have always been the person ready to exit the house.

Always. 

What about you?