Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 395

June 18, 2014

Best Internet comment ever

These two sentences exist on the Internet. Not ironically or comedically, but with all the sincerity and earnestness that the comment implies. 


I can’t tell you how happy I am that there is a place in the world for comments like this to be recorded for posterity.     


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Published on June 18, 2014 03:27

June 17, 2014

Did you know that Daddy’s don’t sleep? My daughter has proof.

My daughter woke up at 5:45 this morning. Sirens from nearby fire engines and police cars woke her up.


After checking in on her mother and finding her asleep and fairly nonresponsive, she came downstairs.


“Dad, I just can’t sleep.”


“I know,” I said. “But it’s okay. It’s morning. You’re allowed to be awake. It’s early, but it’s still morning.”


“But Mommy’s still asleep,” she said.


“I know,” I said. “It’s still really early.”


She paused for a moment beside a window, and then she turned to me. She had a smile on her face. “Listen, Daddy! The birds are awake! They went to sleep, and now they’re awake.”


“Yup,” I said. “The birds are awake, and I’m awake, and you’re awake.”


She looked out the window again, and then she turned toward me again, hazing hard. She furrowed her brow. She tilted her head slightly. She looked utterly puzzled. “Daddy,” she said. “How come you don’t have to sleep?”


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Then it occurred to me:


Except for bouts with pneumonia and the stomach bug, my daughter has never, ever seen me asleep. For the first five years of my life, I have always been awake, out of bed, and fully dressed before she ever opened her eyes.


My daughter doesn’t think that I sleep.


She thinks that her Daddy is a superhero. 


I fear that I have set the expectations on her future husband exceptionally high.


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Published on June 17, 2014 02:40

Mens is wrong

If you’ve never noticed it, you will now. It’s everywhere.


The word ‘Mens,’ absent an apostrophe, indicating a restroom for the male persuasion. 


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It looks ridiculous. Right?


‘Men’ is already plural. Stick an S on the end without an apostrophe is like putting a hat on a hat.


The equivalent ‘Ladies’ is fine, since ‘Lady’ isn’t already plural. ‘Womens’ would be just as wrong as ‘Mens,’ but I can’t ever remember seeing ‘Womens.’


But ‘Mens’ is honestly everywhere.

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Published on June 17, 2014 00:06

June 16, 2014

Pitchers who intentionally hit batters are cowards

I don’t care if it’s the culture of the game.


I don’t care if teammates are depending upon the retaliation for their own protection.


I don’t care if the manager has ordered it.


Real men don’t throw hard, rounded objects at high speeds in the direction of unsuspecting, defenseless men unless they are at war.


Real war. Not grown men playing a boyhood game war. 


Charge the batters box if need be. Throw a punch. Tackle the guy. Meet him outside the ballpark after the game. Wrestle in the on-deck circle.


Or better yet, strike the guy out. 


Pitchers who intentionally hit batters are cowards.


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Published on June 16, 2014 02:57

Future laborer, I hope.

My daughter refers to mowing the lawn as a “Daddy job.”


Her mother agrees.


My hope is that my son’s interest in the lawn mower is just as strong when he’s old enough to push the damn thing.


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Published on June 16, 2014 00:50

June 15, 2014

Little boy in a box

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Years ago, I wrote a poem about the value of a cardboard box. It was based upon an afternoon that I spent with my childhood friend, David. 


The poem won a writing contest, was published in a now-defunct literary journal, and earned me a little cash. My first legitimate payday as an writer (I sold term papers to classmates in high school and made a bundle, but that was hardly legal).


These photos of my son epitomize the essence of that poem.
_____________________________


Save Your Money Next Time and Just Give Me the Box

Thank you Mother,
for the red, aerodynamic toboggan
that I found under the Christmas tree this morning,
with it’s chiseled runners and
precision steering wires.

But Mother dearest,
in the future,
please know that I have found nothing more exhilarating
than a steep, muddy hill
and a sturdy refrigerator box.

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Published on June 15, 2014 13:32

June 14, 2014

My daughter’s has a tough road ahead. Her parents do, too.

My five year-old daughter’s declaration to me:


“Daddy, I’m a person, and that means I can say whatever I want. Anything. Whenever I want.”


Nothing was said to incite this comment. I hadn’t corrected her or scolded her in any way. She simply looked up and made this declaration.


I was filled with two simultaneous and divergent thoughts:



My God. She’s just like me. That poor child. Her life will be interesting, but it won’t always be easy.
My God. My wife and I have a tough road ahead.

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Published on June 14, 2014 03:53

June 13, 2014

If given the choice, I choose this tea party over the one that advocates killing gay people.

No, not the Tea Party that includes Oklahoma State House candidate Scott Esk, who endorsed stoning gay people to death via his Facebook page.


This was a kinder, gentler, more rational tea party with my daughter, but with strict rules about behavior and a serious condemnation of my chosen attire.


My daughter can be quite demanding. Then again, this tea party was planned for two days, so perhaps her expectations were reasonable.


Please note her own change of attire mid-party, which was the result of having to use the bathroom and not wanting to pull her princess dress back over her head.


Perhaps formality isn’t as important as she originally thought. 


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Published on June 13, 2014 03:07

June 12, 2014

Did you know that Fastball’s “The Way” is a song about an elderly couple that was found dead at the bottom of a cliff?

When it comes to music, I have always been a lyric person. I pay attention to the words. I pay close attention to the words.


I don’t understand brides who ask me to play Gold Digger at a wedding because “it has a good beat.”


There are a billion songs in the world. We can’t find a different song with a good beat.


Same goes for Garth Brook’s The Dance. Lovely song, but it’s a breakup song. Do we need to play it at a wedding?


Some of my favorite songs are those that tell stories and take the listener on a journey. The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp. Baseball in my Blood by Erik Balkey. Lots of songs by Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Bowling for Soup, Meatloaf, Joe Strummer, and many more. 


Some of these songs contain stories that are quite complex and include actual character development over the course of the song.


Since I’m someone who pays attention to lyrics, I was shocked to discover that the 1998 hit song The Way by Fastball tells a story that I never realized until now.






Fastball’s lead singer Tony Scalzo says that he wrote The Way in 1997 after reading an article in The Austin American-Statesman about Lela and Raymond Howard, an elderly couple who disappeared after leaving their Salado, Texas home to attend an event fifteen miles away in Temple. The couple was eventually found 13 days later when hikers discovered the crumpled remains of their vehicle at the bottom of a cliff off the side of the highway. Lela and Raymond had died from injuries sustained in the crash.


By the time the bodies of the couple were found, Scalzo had already written the song, and Fastball was rehearsing it.


A year after the Howards died, the song became the first hit single off of Fastball’s “All The Pain Money Can Buy.”


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I was aware that the song told the story of a couple who took a road trip and never returned, but I had no idea that the couple was elderly and ended up dead. Scalzo’s interpretation romanticizes the disappearance, which is understandable considering that he wrote the song before the bodies of the couple were found at the bottom of a cliff.


Still, when I listen to the song now, every word seems slightly darker and more ominous. What I once thought of as a song about the desire for freedom and the call of the road is now something slightly more sinister and sad.


I think I like it better now that I know the story behind the song. It has more weight now. More gravitas.

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Published on June 12, 2014 03:20

June 11, 2014

Opinions on parenting that differ from your own should not turn you into a raging lunatic.

I was asked about my philosophy of parenting yesterday.


I hesitated to answer for a moment. Even though I am asked about parenting advice quite often, nothing annoys people more than implying that there may be a preferred and ideal means of parenting that does not match their own.


The people who ask for my advice have never attacked me for expressing the idea that some forms of parenting may be more effective than others, but bystanders are often enraged by these conversations, and whenever I write about parenting advice, I often receive responses like:


“Only a fool would believe that he knows more about parenting than any other parent.”


“There is no right way to parent, jackass.”


“Every child is different, so parenting must be different for every child.”


“The only thing I know for sure about parenting is that you can’t know anything for sure.”


“What makes you an expert?”


In response to that last question, I explain that I am often asked for parenting advice because:



I have been a teacher for 15 years. In addition to working closely with hundreds of children during that time, I have also been witness to the types of parenting styles and philosophies that repeatedly produce the most capable and effective students.
I raised a stepdaughter from the ages of 5-17.
I have two children of my own.

Does this make me an expert?


Probably not, though I’m not sure what would be required in order for me to be considered an expert.


Do I need to have more children?


Do I need to study the science of parenting at the graduate level?


Do I need to raise my two children to adulthood before I can be deemed an expert?


A rhetorically convenient response to my question would be, “When it comes to parenting, there are no experts. Only survivors.”


That sounds clever, but it’s also nonsense. Some people have more effective parenting strategies than others. Some people understand children better than others. Some people are capable of making more informed and reasoned parenting decisions than others.


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So why do parents become so enraged when someone expresses opinions that do not match their own parenting methods? Or when someone believes that certain parenting strategies are universally more effective than others?


If you don’t agree with someone like me, just ignore my advice. Move on. Assign me to your mental list of idiots and morons and continue doing what you believe is right.


We do this everyday, for many different reasons. We discount experts as quacks. We ignore advice that sounds foolish. We turn our backs on blowhards who think they have all of the answers.


But when it comes to parenting, people often seem less capable of hearing or reading alternative viewpoints without becoming angry.


Why?


There is no need to bear your claws. There is no need for an angry, lip trembling verbal assault. I’m simply stating my opinion, forcefully.  


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Yes, I think that some ways of parenting are universally more effective than others, regardless of the child.


Yes, I think that my experience as a father, a stepfather, and a teacher has given me some insight into parenting.


Yes, despite the inability of many to understand why, I am asked for advice quite often.


But even if my opinions on parenting are correct, that doesn’t mean that your parenting decisions are ineffective. It doesn’t make you a bad Mommy or Daddy. My differing opinion does not constitute an attack on your way of life or the future prospects of your children.


It’s just my opinion, probably solicited by another person.  


There’s no need to get upset.


So I answered that person’s question yesterday, providing advice similar but more nuanced to advice I gave someone on the golf course three years ago, which, of course, also caused people to feel like I was attacking their parenting decisions.


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I’m not asking you to agree with my position or follow my advice. I’m merely asking that you try not to become enraged when someone presumes to know something about parenting and expresses an opinion different from your own.


There are a lot of idiots in the world. I may even be one of them.

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Published on June 11, 2014 03:49