Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 339

God doesn't want you to dress up in order to worship him. In fact, he would prefer that you dress down.

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you probably know that I am a reluctant atheist. I would like to believe in God (perhaps a kinder and gentler God than the Old Testament version) and have faith in an afterlife, but up to this point, I have not found the capacity to do so.   

As a result, I live in constant fear of the void. I envy people of faith for the peace they must feel about their ultimate demise.

But despite my ongoing, persistent existential crisis, here’s one good thing about being an atheist:

I don’t give a damn about what you wear, regardless of the circumstances. 

Attending a religious service of almost any kind requires a person to dress in clothing that is almost always more expensive and elaborate than what one usually wears on any other day.

Suits and ties. Dresses and other female regalia.

Of course, this wardrobe requirement means that parishioners, worshipers, and other indoctrinates are required to spend money on these clothing items in order to appear presentable.

I have a couple thoughts about this:

First, does God really care about the quality or style of clothing that we wear? This is the same omnipotent being who supposedly brought Adam and Eve into the world in the buff. Yet parishioners are expected to wear their Sunday best when attending services? 

Yes, they are. I see the ladies entering the church near my home every Sunday. Large hats. Elaborate dresses. Heels. Handbags. And they are escorted by men in fine suits and towing children in fancy clothes that they will most assuredly grow out of within a year. 

Do we really think that God give a damn about what his people are wearing?

He doesn't. I may not have the capacity to believe that God exists, but he doesn't. Trust me. The clothes that you wear are the least of his concerns.  

Second, wouldn’t the Lord prefer you arrive to church or synagogue in an old pair of jeans and a tee-shirt and use the money that would've been spent on more formal attire to help someone in need?

I may not believe in the Big Guy, but I've read the Bible cover-to-cover three times, and everything that I have gleaned from my study inclines me to believe that God (and especially Jesus) would prefer that you ditch the expensive threads and put the money spent on them to better use. 

I am absolutely certain of this. 

When we dress up for our religious services and don our “Sunday best”, we may try to rationalize this as a way of showing respect for God and our fellow worshipers, but this, I think, is nonsense. You would earn far more respect from the Almighty if you took the $300 that you spent on that suit or dress and used it to help the homeless. Or the hungry. Or the sick. 

Wardrobe requirements at religious services are man-made artifices, serving only to satisfy the human ego and/or further indoctrinate worshipers by lending an air of importance and formality to what should be a personal relationship between a human being and his or her creator.

And this is why atheists don’t give a damn about what you wear. Atheists are not interested in any of this ceremony, ritual, or means of indoctrination.

Attending the baptism of a friend’s daughter? Where whatever the hell you want. Who are we to judge?

Invited to attend your niece’s first communion? No need to change those jeans. As long as your sex organs are covered by something (denim, gabardine, or even fig-leaf), we are fine with your choice of attire!

Unencumbered by ritual and routine, free from indoctrination and the judging eyes of peers, I propose that the atheist is better able to see through the artifice of custom, ceremony, and law to the essence of what human being's relationship with God is supposed to be.

The relationship as it's described in the Bible.

The relationship I would want with God. A relationship based solely on my thoughts and deeds and not upon my physical appearance. 

Atheists (or at least this atheist) may live in fear of the void and suffer from an unending series of existential crises, but at least we can wear jeans and sneakers to the most formal, religious services and still feel good about ourselves.

This does not mean that atheists will always wear whatever they desire to their friend or family's religious ceremonies even though they think they should. Sometimes ethics and principles are trumped by the sheer power and will of one’s familial expectations, as annoying as that may be. 

My daughter's first homework assignment: First steps on a rotten road

It's my daughter's first homework assignment. 

She didn't mind doing it. She said it was easy. It took five minutes. Her brother sat with her in solidarity.

Still, she has begun a journey that will not be fun. A journey that her father despised. A journey that many kids despise. A journey that most rationale people despise.

My daughter has at least 16 years of homework ahead of her. The poor thing.   

I want more politicians like this.

Seriously. Why can't more of our leaders be like this?

Recommended Reading

When I visit a bookstore or library or book club to discuss my new novel, The Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs, I also recommend books as a part of my talk. Audience members have recently asked for a list of the books that I am currently recommending, so here there are, in case you can't make it to one of my upcoming appearances. 

Details about why I am recommending each below.

The Official Boy Scout Handbook: I still have my original Boy Scout Handbook, which is now more than 30 years old, but I still think it's one of the best books ever written, particularly for a young person. Turn to any page and you will discover something fascinating. Learn to build a fire. Identify poisonous snakes. Properly fold a flag. Build a lean-to. Purify water. Sign language. First aid. Astronomy. It's an amazing book that any young person would love, whether he or she is a Boy Scout or not.

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo: This is the first gift that my wife ever gave me, on our first date, and it's a book I love dearly. Written for children but perfect for adults, it's the story of a mouse who dares to be different in a world that expects him to conform. It's a perfect story, perfectly told, that has remained in my heart ever since I read it for the first time.

Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath: If you're a teacher or a parent or someone who needs to convey information or skills that must be retained, read this book. It's the single greatest teaching guide ever written. It makes ever book about teaching that has ever cluttered by bookshelf look ridiculous by comparison.  

Ballisitics by Billy Collins: Collins is a great poet an a former Poet Laureate of the United States. This may make him sound impenetrable, but it could not be farther from the truth. Collins is amusing, insightful, and simple. I recommend that rather than buying the book, purchase the audiobook. He reads it beautifully. Create a playlist with songs you love, interspersed with poems. It's a joy to be driving down the highway listening to a Beatles or a Stones song and suddenly have Billy Collins reciting a poem to you. 

The Fermata by Nicholson Baker: I love Baker's work, and this is one of my favorites. It's the story of a man who can stop time, and he uses this power to undress and then dress women, so they never know that they were naked. This description does not make it sound compelling, but it's a terrific story of a man who desperately wants to connect with the world, and when he finally does, the surprising results. 

Pieces for the Left Hand by J. Robert Lennon: This is a book of flash fiction. Though I love this book specifically, I am recommending it more as an attempt to get readers to give flash fiction a try. Flash fiction is stories written in a couple hundred words at most. It's an incredibly challenging way to tell a story, but when done well, is truly brilliant.   

The Moth edited by Catherine Burns: This is a collection of 50 of the greatest Moth stories, originally told on stage, and lightly edited for the page. If you don't want to start reading at the beginning, start on page 200 with Erin Barker's brilliant story about her family. You'll soon encounter one of my favorite lines from the thousands of Moth stories I've heard over the years.

Brilliant use of chalk

I drove by this parking spot, as did every other person at the park. The parking spot closest to the gates of the playground remained empty all day.  

Why?

Note the color and location of the chalk: handicapped blue, positioned alongside an actual handicapped parking spot. My mind (and everyone else's mind) registered it as handicapped parking, even though it's clearly not. 

Brilliant. 

This video encompasses so many of my fears for my students

I watch this video from the Jimmy Kimmel Show, and it encapsulates so many of my fears for my students.

I'm afraid that they are growing up in a world with an African American President and legalized same sex marriage (two things I never thought I would see in my lifetime), and yet sexist, stupid, degrading beauty pageants like Miss America still exist and are watched by millions every year.I'm afraid that they might decide that competing in beauty pageants like Miss America is a worthwhile endeavor.I'm afraid that they might answer a question in the same inarticulate, imbecilic, and embarrassing fashion as our reigning Miss America.I'm afraid that they might answer a question in the same inarticulate, imbecilic, and embarrassing fashion as the people on the street who foolishly agreed to speak to Jimmy Kimmel's producers. I'm afraid that they might become content creators who think that sticking a microphone in pedestrians' faces and recording them speak like morons makes for interesting or amusing television.

This is why I work my students so hard and insist on making every minute of the school day as productive as possible. The last thing I want is to see one of them appear in a video like this in any capacity. 

My book launch party was filled with many surprise guests and references to Dungeons & Dragons

My most recent novel, The Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs, published ten days ago on September 8. Originally my book launch party was slated for September 10, but that was the date of the Patriots home opener at Gillette Stadium, and I have my priorities.

My publicist understood completely, so the launch was moved to September 14.

A few weeks later, I had to point out that September 14 was Rosh Hashanah, and given the fact that my wife and many of my friends are Jewish, this date would also not work.

Please not that it wasn’t my wife or my in-laws or any of my many Jewish friends who noted the conflict, even though the date was made public and added to calendars for more than a month. It was me, a former Gentile turned reluctant atheist, who first realized the problem.

After I realized the conflict with Rosh Hashanah, we moved my launch again to September 17, which was last night. It meant that I needed to leave Colebrook, CT in the midst of a weeklong trip with my students to a YMCA camp to return home for a few hours, but that was fine.

Better than missing the Patriots game or disrespecting my wife’s holiday.

It was a terrific evening, and I thank each and every person who attended for making it a fantastic night. One of my friends counted well over 100 people in attendance, and I had many surprise guests, including:

My aunt Paulette from South Carolina, who I haven’t seen in almost ten years and have only seen a handful of times in the last 30 years. She and her husband were traveling to Niagara Falls to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and made a detour in order to attend the event.Sarah, a high school student in Rhode Island who I have been corresponding with for almost two years about writing and publishing. I visited Sarah’s high school last year – where my former high school vice principal and nemesis is now principal – and she returned the favor by making the almost two hour trek to Connecticut to join us for the event.Sara, my friend and author from Vermont, who has now driven more than two hours to attend my last two book launch events.  My superintendent, who told me that he would try to attend the event, but knowing the schedule of someone in his position must keep, I hardly expected him to make it. His willingness to give up an evening to support my work meant a lot. Many of my fellow teachers and colleagues, including one who had just returned from our YMCA trip hours earlier and was sitting in the front row.Maybe best of all, dozens of my former students, many all grown up and some who left my classroom just last year, all sitting or standing (there was a large standing-room-only contingent) in support.

Rather than reading from my latest novel, I spoke about how a high school teacher and an assignment on satire turned me into a writer and launched my first business, and how 20 years later a friend's request that I play Dungeons & Dragons with him and some buddies saved my writing career. I also recommended some books (including The Boy Scout handbook), took some questions, handed out some prizes, and signed many books. 

It was an incredibly fun night and well worth the wait.  

Unfair assumption #20: The use of absolutes in combination with the personal pronoun is an intelligence and personality indicator.

People who speak in absolutes in combination with the personal pronoun are probably idiots and likely narcissists. 

Productivity tip: Back up your phone, damn it.

It is unconscionable for parents to be walking around with phones that have 10,000 photos of their children saved only on the phone's hard drive, yet in an anecdotal survey of the last ten parents I spoke to, six of them have not backed up their photos for more than a month, and two have never backed up their phone EVER.

Do your own survey. These lunatics are all over the place.   

I personally know of three people who lost months of photographs when their phones were accidentally destroyed and there was no backup.

This is not hard, people. Either set your phone to automatically back up data to a cloud service, or connect your phone to a computer every night.

And if your computer does not have an automatic backup service running in the background, there's no hope for you. Honestly. You're insane.  

Almost as insane as the people walking around with six months of photos on their phones.

There are three incredibly stupid things wrong with this sign. Can you spot them all?

I saw this sign in a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru in Danbury, CT.

There are so many things wrong with this sign.

1. "Spring is here and we want our customers to be completely satisfied..." implies that spring was the impetus for management to want to satisfy its customers. 

Wouldn't it be better to say: 

"We opened a Dunkin Donuts, and we want our customers to be completely satisfied..."

or: "From the moment we were born, we have wanted our customers to be completely satisfied..."

or "The universe began with the Big Bang, and ever since that singular moment in time, we have wanted our customers to be completely satisfied..."

All of these are better than linking their desire to satisfy customers to an arbitrary day in March.

2. Spring was almost two seasons ago. Am I to presume that since spring is no longer with us, the desire to satisfy customers is also gone? Basically, don't connect your desire to do your job well with seasonal changes. That's stupid. 

3. The sign indicates a website where I can leave feedback, but it also informs me that I will need my receipt for instructions. So in order to input feedback into a digital computer network, management has created a system by which I must also retain the analog slip of paper handed to me through the window. 

Does anyone else find this process insane? Sort of like requiring someone to use an instruction manual in order to operate the Internet.