Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 300

I know way too much about boll weevils

My daughter, Clara, age seven, at 6:40 AM:

"Dad, I want to know what a boll weevil is. It's a beetle. I know that, but I want to know more. I want to know if it's an invasive species, because I'm guessing that farmers do not like the boll weevil, and I want to know if they live around here, because they eat cotton, and I really love cozy, cottony things."

Ten minutes later, with a manuscript still waiting to be completed and almost a week late, I know too much about boll weevils.

These were not the conversations I ever expected to have with my daughter when I dreamed of fatherhood years ago.. 

Preschool is destined to disappoint my son.

Charlie made his first preschool visit yesterday.

As we ate breakfast, he asked me to come to school with him

When I told him I had to go to work, he said, "I'm so sorry that you have to work, and I'm so sad you can't come. I want you to come. I will miss you so much."

So I was basically wrecked for the day.

Then he said, "My teacher better know a lot about water treatment facilities and how electricity gets into our house."

Suddenly I felt a little less sorry for myself.

"Baked in a buttery, flaky crust"

While recording a commercial for chicken pot pie at Dysart's Restaurant, this man ran into an especially tricky line of dialogue.

This made me laugh so hard. Hopefully you enjoy a similar chuckle.   

Resolution update: August 2016

PERSONAL HEALTH

1. Don’t die.

Survived pneumonia and a foot injury in August.  

2. Lose 20 pounds.

Still 17 pounds down. Just three to go. 

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done.

4. Practice yoga at least three days a week.

Still have yet to re-schedule my restart, but I've been doing some poses with my kids in the kitchen. That doesn't really count, but it signals a beginning.

WRITING CAREER

5. Complete my fifth novel before the end of February.

Done!

6. Complete my sixth novel.

I have two novels that are more than halfway finished and one that is finished but requires a complete re-write. However, it doesn't look like either of these will be my next novel.

We are still deciding on the next book. Fingers crossed I can convince my editor of the greatness of one of these manuscripts.  

7. Write a proposal for a middle grade novel.

Done! Four chapters, 10,000 words, and a synopsis sent from agent to editor. We await word.

8. Write at least three new picture books. 

One of my now former students and I are writing a picture book. Now that we are back in school, work can commence again. 

I am also editing two previously written picture books.

The other new picture books will be written during this school year. 

9. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.

Done! Sort of. Three chapters, an outline, and comparisons have been sent to my agent. She LOVES it. We've decided that it needs one more chapter before we submit. As soon as these revisions are complete on my novel, I'll crank it out.   

10. Write a new screenplay

No progress yet.

11. Write a musical for a summer camp

Done! I had the pleasure of watching the musical performed at the summer camp at the beginning of the month, and it was fantastic.

Grown men cried. Literally. 

I liked the story so much that I may adapt it for a middle grade book at some point.

I'm also being sent a video of the musical this week.  

12. Publish at least one Op-Ed in The New York Times.

I've now submitted two Op-Ed pieces to the New York Times and been rejected both times.

I am now working on a new piece. 

13. Publish an article in an educational journal.

No progress yet. 

14. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

No progress yet.

15. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

I spent a week backing my car into parking spots (which initially struck me as insane) and finally wrote about it. It actually received a lot of attention.

Starting today, I will be engaging in a month of daily affirmations. This is also something that seems fairly ridiculous to me, but I'm keeping an open mind,

16. Increase my author newsletter subscriber base to 1,000.

Done! My subscriber list now stands at 1,062 readers. 

If you'd like to join the masses and receive my monthly newsletter, which contains a writing and storytelling tip, an Internet recommendation, book recommendations, free giveaways, and more, subscribe here:

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17. Collaborate with a former colleague on an educational book.

This project has been cancelled. After meeting with my collaborator, we determined that I am not best suited for this project.    

STORYTELLING

18. Produce a total of 12 Speak Up storytelling events.

Done!

We produced a show at Infinity Hall in Norfolk, CT and one show at Real Art Ways in August, bringing our total number of shows to 12 in 2016.

19. Deliver a TED Talk.

Done twice over! 

I spoke at TEDxNatick in January. The title of the talk was "Live Your Life Like Your 100 Year-Old Self." Here's the recording: 

I also spoke at the TEDx conference at The Country School in Madison, CT in April. The title of the talk was "Speak Less. Expect More." Here is the recording:

I've also pitched a talk another TEDx event in 2016 and await word, though I'm starting to think the answer is no. 

20. Attend at least 15 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

Done! In July, I attended Moth StorySLAMs at Town Hall in Flushing, Housing Works in Manhattan, and The National Black Theater in Harlem. I also competed in a GrandSLAM in Brooklyn. 

A busy month. 

This brings my total number of Moth events in 2016 to 19.   

21. Win at least three Moth StorySLAMs.

I attended three StorySLAMs in August. My name was never pulled from the hat. 

I have attended a total of 15 Moth StorySLAMs in 2016 thus far but only performed three times.

I had my named pulled first in one slam (making it almost impossible to win).I tied for first in another slam (and lost on the tiebreaker). I finished in second place. 

It's been a tough 2016. In previous years, my name has been drawn from the hat better than two-thirds of the time. Having my name come out of the hat less than 20% of the time - particularly when every slam requires about five total hours of driving, isn't exactly inspiring. 

22. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

Done! I won the Moth GrandSLAM in Somerville in March. 

23. Launch at least one new podcast.

Background work (podcast logo, hosting service, website, etc.) continues.
I'm close. Also excited.  

24. Launch a storytelling project that I will otherwise remain vague about here but will become a primary focus of 2016. 

Work on this project has begun in earnest. 

NEW PROJECTS

25. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

No progress.

26. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.

I cooked two new meals for Elysha in August thanks to Blue Apron and a friend who was kind enough to pass on meals to me.

I made barbecue pork burgers with onion straws and corn on the cob. I also made curried catfish with coconut rice, green beans, and a raisin chutney. 

I could easily make both again. 

One meal to go. 

27. Plan a 25 year reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

I'm still seeking a location for the reunion near the Heavy Metal Playhouse (since the apartment complex does not have a room to rent) and will then decide upon a date.

MISCELLANEOUS

28. Replace the 12 ancient, energy-inefficient windows in our home with new windows that will keep the cold out and actually open in the warmer months.

No progress. 

29. Optimize our television for a streaming service. 

I'm hoping Elysha will take care of this during the fall.

30. Set a new personal best in golf.

I played a lot of golf in August.

As stated previously, I have begun a serious and committed change of my swing under the guidance of a friend who also happens to be an outstanding teacher. As a result, I am hitting the ball farther, higher, and less consistently.

As a result, I scored poorly in August but am hitting the ball better than ever before. 

I also shot a 47 for nine holes last week, which was one off my best score ever. 

I also applied for a targeted practice experiment through a popular podcast with a specific focus on hitting my driver farther. If accepted, I will receive a professional trainer and my progress will be charted via the podcast.  

31. Play poker at least six times in 2016.

I played one game back in April. I need some people who want to play.

32. Do not speak negatively about another person's physical appearance except when done in jest with my closest friends. 

Done. 

Here's a potentially new idea for next year: 

I will not comment on physical appearance - good or bad - in any way unless I am speaking to my wife and children. I already adhere to this policy in the classroom as a teacher, so why not expand it throughout my life? 

My goal is to reduce the amount of attention paid to physical appearance in this society, shifting attention to things that truly matter: words and actions. I understand that one man's crusade may not change the world, but perhaps it will change my world and influence those around me. 

Change often starts small, many times with one person. And I believe in this cause.  

I'm not sure about this goal yet, but I'm considering it. Thoughts?

33. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done.

A real life person signs my books as his fictional self, which sounds weird and is admittedly a little weird.

I have a habit of including real people in my fictional stories.

If you've read Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend, you might know that Mrs. Gosk is a real person. She was my colleague for 18 years until last year when she terribly, tragically retired. If you have the audio version of that book, you can hear an interview of Donna and me at the end of the recording.

In A Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs, there's a minor character named Eric Feeney who appears in the first couple pages of the book. He's a father of twins who is attending a PTO meeting and waiting anxiously to leave so he can watch the New York Giants game.

Feeney is also real. I teach with him. He has twin daughters. He's a Giants fan.

He's also a publicity hound, so last week, while visiting Northshire Books in Manchester, Vermont, he convinced the lovely booksellers to allow him to sign a copy of the book.

I'm not surprised. He also signed copies during my release party last fall. He actually wanted a table set up next to mine just so he could sign as many books as possible. 

To his credit, he is probably responsible for selling at least two dozen books on his own, so it's hard to complain. 

The most astounding editor's note I have ever seen

In what I can only describe as the most astounding editor's note I have ever seen, the editor of a piece in the Huffington Post entitled "Donald Trump Suggests Colin Kaepernick ‘Find A New Country’ After National Anthem Protest" included this at the bottom of the piece:

“Editor’s note: Donald Trump regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.”

It's not that any of these statements are false. I just can't believe that an editor felt the need to include this as a part of the piece and was allowed to get away with it. 

In fact, I'm so worried that some chief editor at the Huffington Post will see the note and take it down that I took a screen shot just in case.

Am I wrong to be as astounded about this note as I am?

How Pokemon Go is a lot like Hee Haw, and how that should both relieve you and frighten you

This video shows thousands of Pokémon Go players in Taiwan stampeding after a Snorlax — a relatively rare creature in the Pokémon pantheon.

It's kind of unbelievable.

You may think this is a sign of the apocalypse. A signal that human beings have lost all sense of what is good and right. End times.

People have suggested that at the very least, this is an example of priorities gone awry. 

I see it slightly differently.

From the 1950's through the 1980's, enormous numbers of human beings watched television with little choice over quality or time slot. In the United States alone, there were three television networks (CSB, NBC, and ABC), and viewers had no ability to record or time shift programming. Cable television did not exist, and services like Netflix and Hulu weren't even imaginable. Viewers were at the mercy of programmers who had very little competition and little incentive to innovate or experiment. 

As a result, atrocious television programs were oftentimes watched by huge audiences.  

For example, from 1969-1971, more than 20 million American households watched a program called Hee Haw, which is often identified today as the worst television show ever aired. Despite how truly terrible this show was, approximately one in seven Americans tuned in weekly.

But these viewers remained in their homes, unseen and unheard except when it came to the Nielsen ratings. 

Since 2010, more than 125 million people have played the video game Call of Duty for more than 25 billion hours, which is longer than the entirety of human existence. The numbers are truly astronomical, but like the viewers of Hee Haw, these gamers have remained behind closed doors.

Today Pokemon Go is played by about 10 million users daily, which is smaller than the audiences for both Hee Haw and Call of Duty. The only difference between Pokemon Go and the Call of Duty players and the Hee Haw viewers is that the Pokemon Go players have emerged from their homes and entered a world where people can see them playing their game. 

The world has not changed. We simply see it now. 

This is not to say that I support Pokemon Go, Call of Duty, or Hee Haw as good ways to spend your time. In moderation, they are probably fine (except for Hee Haw, which was never fine), but the problem is that many of these things are not pursued in moderation.

Instead, they are consumed to the exclusion of other important aspects of a well rounded life.

For the enormous numbers of people who sit down in front of the televisions every night from 8:00-11:00 or the gamers who plays during every free moment of their lives, these pursuits become questionable when they prevent people from enjoying other aspects of a whole and complete life.

But don't view this video from Taiwan as something new and frightening. People have been consuming questionable content in enormous numbers for decades. This is not new. It's simply visible. We can see what has previously been hidden behind closed doors.  

In 2015, the average American watched more than four hours of television daily.
The average video game player spent almost seven hours playing gaming. 

This - much more than the recent obsession with Pokemon Go - should frighten us all.

Kiss the Girl: The creepy, stalker, possible sexual assault version

I realize that Sebastian of The Little Mermaid is racial insensitive at the very least, but I've always loved the song "Kiss the Girl."

But in a nod to the fact that everything can be ruined if you want to ruin it bad enough comes "Kiss the Girl" in a minor key, which sounds like it's being sung by a stalker who is preparing to assault a young woman.  

Damn Canadians are ruining my book.

Clara handed me this broken percussive instrument. "Can you fix this?" she asked.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Charlie and I are playing camping. We made a tent and everything. And Charlie's a Canadian woodsman. This is his axe. He was chopping trees, and then he tried to chop down the wrong tree. Which was actually the stairs. His axe broke. Can you fix it, because it's getting cold, and we're going to need more firewood."

All this while I try to finish the revisions on my novel... 

Guess which sister I taught?

Note the punctuation.