Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 290

Meditation and McDonald's

I've spent this weekend at the world famous Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health.

With its silent breakfasts, farm to table meals, candle-lit shrines, and slow walking, contemplative guests, the place doesn't exactly match my aesthetic.

I'm sort of like a bull in a China shop here.
A man without a country.
A misplaced, misbegotten vagabond.

I suspect that I'm the only person here armed with a Diet Coke at all times. I definitely swear more than anyone I have met so far. And I was the only person in yesterday's sunrise yoga class wearing jeans and a tee shirt. 

And yet I've had an excellent weekend here, teaching storytelling and performing in their main theater. And it appears that I will be back three times next year, including a weekend alongside Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray, Love, another weekend of storytelling like this last one, and a week-long advanced storytelling workshop in the summer.

Somehow this place and I have found a means of coexisting. I think we may even like each other. 

Still, it may come as a surprise to those who know me well to hear that yesterday morning, I sat atop a rock on a hill in the early morning cold and meditated as the sun rose over the hills. 

While I meditate every morning, it's normally done on the couch.

Lest you fear that I have lost myself entirely and become something I am not, I followed up this period of meditation with the trip to one of my favorite places in the world, forgoing the world class cuisine of Kripalu for something more fitting of my personal aesthetic. 

One of the best comebacks I've heard in a while

I love the perfect comeback. In fact, I wrote a whole novel about the desire of a woman to deliver a perfect one. 

I'm also famous amongst my friends and colleagues for having the perfect comeback at my fingertips at all times. It's not uncommon for someone to ask for a comeback for a situation that they recently experienced or expect to experience soon.

"What would you say...? is a question I get a lot.

I suspect that this ability is partly the result of having grown up in a home where I was constantly verbally sparring with a less-than-ideal stepfather.

It may also be the result of my desire to win at all costs and my willingness to step beyond what is often considered reasonable or appropriate in order to secure a victory.  

But I also prepare comebacks whenever I can so I am ready when one is needed. I see or hear a frequently-made argument and prepare myself for the moment that the argument is presented to me. These prepared comebacks are often in response to political talking points, common complaints and refrains, and the like. 

I also listen for outstanding comebacks and incorporate them into my own repertoire whenever possible.

Last week I heard a brilliant one at the Patriots game.

A few seats over from me, a man was apparently flirting with a woman seated in front of him. At one point she turned around and said, "Look, I'm married. And I already had sex today!"

There's nothing better than a comeback that utilizes facts, courage, and humor to eviscerate an opponent. 

Trump's two possible views of sexual assault

A Trump supporter argued with me today that Trump's claims of sexual assaulting women were "locker room talk," and more importantly, there is a big difference between saying something and actually doing it.

I pointed out that only one of only two conclusions are possible when it comes to Trump's comments about sexual assault:

We have a President-elect who has sexually assaulted women and admitted to his crime.We have a President-elect who thinks that an effective and amusing means of currying favor and impressing others is to falsely claim that he has sexually assaulted women.

In the first instance, he is a criminal.

In the second, he is a pathetic, creepy liar who believes that sexual assault is self-aggrandizing, endearing, and a reason for others to like you.

These are the only two conclusions that can be logically reached given what we heard.

Both are disgusting and frightening. 

Dan Kennedy on life and the nature of success

Dan Kennedy is the author of American Spirit (a novel I adored), as well as a memoirs Rock On (which Elysha and I listened to and loved) and Loser Goes First (which is sitting on my desk, waiting to be read). He is the host of The Moth's podcast and frequent host and storyteller for The Moth. I've gotten to know Dan over the years, and I adore this man. He is soulful and clever and lovely.

Dan posted a series of tweets a few days ago on the nature of life and success, specifically speaking to those of us whose path through life was not predetermined or blessed by the financial support of parents, a traditional academic track, or employment in a family business.

The bootstrappers. The shiftless. The frightened. My people. 

These words spoke to me, and perhaps they will speak to you. Dan posted more than the four tweets I have transcribed here, but there were the four that meant the most to me. The four sentences that said so much about what it is like to maneuver through a complex, difficult, unyielding world while the people around you speak about college as if it's a forgone conclusion, live happily with parents for extended periods of time in order to save money, furnish homes with tables and sofas that were bought in actual furniture stores, and land jobs in family businesses and with family friends when their creative dreams failed to materialize.

I do not begrudge these people. I just want to remind them that there are so many other people living outside that bubble of expectation, not because we wanted to but because there was no other choice. These are the people who have rented rooms from strangers, gone without heat or electricity for months at a time, wondered how they might eat tomorrow, and thought that their dreams would likely remain dreams forever, no matter how hard they worked.

This is what makes me love Dan's words so much. They remind me and so many of us (the "cross between the pirates and the little kids") that we are not alone in our ridiculous, impossible, oftentimes invisible struggle.

Dan's words:    

“That’s the thing: success takes risk. We go through straits... skate by w/o insurance... operate on cash...live where nobody else will...

If you don’t have a family break, automatic money, pre-destined academic track, you put it together any way you can.

When shit finally gets great, people applaud you. But all those other years (a decade, two, forever?) you’re the “problem.”

But for a long time you’re a cross between a pirate and a little kid. Breaking rules, full of heart, working your ass off.”

— Dan Kennedy

I drink Diet Coke. Now do me a favor and shut up about it.

I drink Diet Coke. I drink a lot less than ever before, but I still drink it. 

People are exceedingly fond of telling me how unhealthy this beverage is. You cannot imagine how often I am told that this beverage is bad for me. Diet Coke drinkers can attest to this.   

I have some serious problems with this. 

My primary problem is that people only criticize what they can see. They see the Diet Coke in my hands and open their stupid mouths.

Yet no one can see a person failing to exercise, so warnings about a sedentary lifestyle are left unsaid. As a result, on the same day that I spend 45 minutes running on a treadmill, 30 minutes walking my dog, and start my morning with 100 sit ups and 100 pushups, some sedentary jackass who hasn't elevated his heart rate since the first Bush administration admonishes me about the unhealthiness of the Diet Coke I drank at lunch. 

I hate that.  

That same person is probably walking around with a coffee laced with an artificial sweetener, the same one that can be found in Diet Coke. But because the four packets of Equal or Splenda in their coffee are invisible, coffee drinkers who consume just as much artificial sweetener as me walk the world unmolested while Diet Coke drinkers are criticized at every turn.

I hate that, too. 

The same person criticizing me for my beverage of choice probably hasn't had a yearly physical since he went to summer camp as a teenager. But since we can't see a person failing to schedule a physical, or failing to check for lumps, or failing to floss, or failing to get a mammogram or colon screening at the appropriate age, or failing to wear a seatbelt, these people get away with their unhealthy choices, and I don't.

I hate that, too. 

Diet Coke has also been on the market for 35 years. It's not exactly a healthy choice, but it's got a decent track record of not directly killing its consumers. I am not saying that it is good for me, but it ain't the poison that everyone claims it to be, either.

I exercise every single day. I don't drink alcohol. I have never smoked or used an illegal drug in my entire life. I get an annual physical. I go to the dentist twice a year. I floss daily without exception. Wear my seatbelt. Wear a bike helmet. Take a multivitamin. Meditate daily. 

And yes, I drink Diet Coke.  

So if you plan to open your stupid mouth and criticize my choice of beverage, check yourself first. Your less-than-healthy behaviors are probably just invisible to the rest of us.

I fought off a pit bull in order to save my dog's life. This guy did one better.

Years ago, while walking my dog in a local park, a large, apparently angry pit bull managed to pull itself free from its chain and came after my dog, a small Lhasa Apso named Kaleigh.

Seeing the pit bull sprinting across the field at her, I picked my dog up, held her shoulder high, and fended off the attack my planting the sole of my foot in the pit bull's face and pushing back until the owner managed to corral his dog back onto its chain. The dog bit my ankle in two spots and nearly pulled off my shoe, but thankfully he didn't manage to break the skin.

The pit bull wasn't hurt, and the owner was deeply apologetic. A nearby woman approached a moment later and complimented me on my quick reaction and willingness to hold my dog aloft and almost assuredly get bitten as a result. She thought I was a hero, though honestly, I think any dog owner would've done the same.

Fighting off a pit bull for 30 seconds is one thing. Boxing a kangaroo to save your dog is another thing entirely.

This guy is the real hero.

Daily affirmations don't work (for me, at least)

I have always thought that the notion of daily affirmations - the repetition of uplifting, positive, goal oriented statements designed to boost self confidence and self esteem and improve a person's drive, focus, and overall outlook in life - was silly. I thought they were probably a waste of time and made little or no difference in a person's life.   

But in an attempt to try things that I previously discounted (one of my New Year's resolutions), I decided to give the practice of daily affirmations an honest try.

I started by choosing my affirmation. Psychology Today recommends that you tailor your affirmation to a specific area of personal need. Thankfully, I have an extensive list of flaws and shortcomings, updated annually, so I simply turned to the list to find one of my more pressing needs.

I choose # 5 on my list. It's been a problem for a while, and I have a couple friends who are fond of pointing it out to me: 

It is hard for me to empathize with adults with difficulties that I do not understand, do not think are worthy of sympathy, and/or are suffering with difficulties that I would have avoided entirely.

In accordance with the Psychology Today recommendations, I designed a positive affirmation that is essentially the opposite of this flaw.   

My affirmation:

I will feel empathy for those who have made mistakes and have failed to reach their full potential because all people are deserving of my respect, appreciation, and love.  

With my affirmation in place, I began.

For the month of October and part of November (five weeks in all), I began reciting my daily affirmation three times as day - as recommended by many sources, including Psychology Today. I recited these words while walking the dog twice daily. I also recited it in the shower while shaving (because looking at yourself in a mirror while saying the words aloud is supposed to enhance the power of the affirmation).

I recited the affirmation at least five times during each of the three daily recitations, for a total of at least 15 total recitations per day. I missed six instances of recitations in all over the course of five weeks and therefore recited the affirmation more than 600 times in total.

The results:

1. It was hard to memorize my affirmation. Maybe my affirmation was more complex than most, but I found myself reading it off my phone for the first three or four days. 

2. I feel no change in my general disposition regarding my chosen flaw, and therefore the recitation of the daily affirmations seems to have had no effect. I still hold people to an uncommonly high standard and rarely accept the reasons why they have failed to attain their goals and make their dreams come true.

My position remains the same:

If I could do it, so can they. Hard work trumps all. 

Perhaps I have changed in a way that I cannot detect, but I don't think so. I feel as dead set on this belief as always.  

3. After five weeks, I feel as though these recitations were a waste of time. While it may not seem as if showering or walking the dog are exceedingly productive times in my life, they are actually exceedingly productive. I develop stories for the stage, brainstorm ideas for books, and review prior moments in my day for the purposes of reflection, evaluation and revision during these times, and this work is extraordinarily beneficial to many aspects of my life.

In fact, I never go for a walk or take a shower (or oftentimes drive somewhere) without a specific purpose in mind related to one of these areas. I get a great deal of work done during these times, and these daily affirmations cut into this production significantly.

I came away from the practice of daily affirmations with the belief that the time spent affirming could be better spent. If you want to achieve a goal or feel better about yourself, use the time spent on affirmations on actual goal attainment. Find a way to be productive during this time.  

Of course, I'm also willing to consider the notion that I do not benefit from the positive effects of a daily affirmation while others may benefit greatly from the practice. Perhaps some people need these daily affirmations and others do not.  

This is not to say that I think this true. It is merely an acknowledgement that it may be true. 

The results of my experiment may also be another indicator of my lack of empathy:

If I don't need a daily affirmation to feel great about myself and what I'm doing, why should anyone else? If I can achieve my goals without daily affirmations, you should be able to as well.

Either way, I will not be continuing the practice of daily affirmations. They did not work for me, and frankly, I could not shake the idea that I was wasting time and doing something ridiculous each time I engaged in the practice. 

My heart and mind were truly open to the practice, but some things seem so silly that you can only open your heart and mind so much and for so long.

Which is funnier? Saturday Night Live? Trump's response to SNL? Alec Baldwin's response to Trump?

Follow this timeline, especially if you don't use Twitter and haven't seen any of the Donald Trump-Saturday Night Live sparring matches. 

I'm honestly not sure which is funnier:

Saturday Night Live's weekly skit on our President-elect:

Donald Trump's inevitable, almost immediate, thin-skinned, sad trombone response to the skit via Twitter:

Alec Baldwin's eventual and always brilliant response to Trump's tweet:

All are truly comic gold.

Also, can you believe the world that we live in now? We have a President-elect who watches SNL and then tweets about how they make fun of him.

Does he not know how this show works?

Also, praise be to Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin, and anyone else willing to stand up and call out the ineptitude, dishonesty, immaturity, and ego-driven nature of our President-elect. These are the people who will bind us, make us laugh, make us think, and speak out against an Emperor who wears no clothes for the next four years.  

We need you Alec Baldwin. More than ever. 

How I stand against the vile, intolerant, hateful speech and policy proposals of the President-elect (and how you can, too)

You may have noticed if you follow me on any form of social media that I haven't been quiet about my opposition to the President-elect.

I can't be.

This is not a Democrat-Republican or liberal-conservative divide. Those who have known me for a long time or read this blog on a regular basis can attest that during previous Presidential campaigns, I have been far less vocal about my political positions, simply because I felt that Americans were faced with the choice of two serious minded candidates who were both more than fit for the office. 

While I certainly preferred one candidate over another, I did not think that either candidate was bad for America, and therefore, I did not feel the need to be overly vocal. 

In the case of Donald Trump, I believe that we have elected a fundamentally indecent man who has said vile, despicable things about enormous numbers of American citizens and proposed unconscionable policies that in many cases would violate the Constitution of the United States and the fundamental rights of American citizens.

I do not believe that he is fit for the office of President of the United States.

Since he will soon be the President, I have sought ways of personally counteracting his hateful speech, his xenophobic policy proposals, and the fear that he has instilled in so many of the people who I know.

If you are feeling powerless, hopeless, angry, or afraid, it's important that you take action. Doing something productive and meaningful will always make you feel better and stronger. I promise you.

So far, I have done this by embracing, supporting, and promoting the things that he he has stood against most often.

For example:

I have strongly supported my Mexican, Muslim, female, immigrant, and disabled friends and promoted their acceptance and success whenever possible.We have purchased subscriptions to The New York Times and Slate Plus in an effort to support the journalists who will work tirelessly to hold Trump accountable for his words and deeds.My wife and I have called Senators and Congresspeople in order to express our opposition to appalling Presidential appointments like Steve Bannon.I have sought to engage in constructive discussions with reasonable people who voted for Trump in an effort to understand them better and promote a more positive, liberal agenda to them.I have sought to bring the voices of the marginalized and the maligned to the Speak Up stage in order to allow them to be heard beyond the hateful speech of Trump and his surrogates.I have shared, endorsed, and proliferated news stories and other bits of media that stand against the Donald Trump's racist, misogynist, religiously intolerant, and xenophobic speech and policy proposals.

This holiday commercial for Amazon, starring an actual priest and imam, is exactly the kind of thing that I am talking about. It offers a beautiful message of religious tolerance, inclusion, and understanding. It has also incensed the religiously intolerant and xenophobic supporters of Donald Trump (especially when it aired during NFL games last weekend), so sharing it whenever possible warms my heart.

I'll do what I can, whenever I can, to stand against Donald Trump's vile and hateful speech and unconscionable policy proposals. Sometimes this simply means embracing and sharing the opposing voices.

A little spot of joy.

Need a pick-me-up?

Something to make you smile.

Try this.