Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 269

I stand opposed to applauding when the people responsible for the source of the applause are not present.

We watched the fireworks on the front lawn at Central Connecticut State University last night. We had a lovely time. The night was clear and cool. The kids were silly. The fireworks were spectacular.

When the final booms sounded and the finale was at last over, people across the lawn applauded.

I don't support this. I don't believe in applauding when the person responsible for the applause is not present to hear the applause.

I think it's weird to applaud a fireworks show launched by people more than a mile away. 

The same holds true for movies. As much as I may enjoy a movie, I've never applauded at the end, and I think it's weird when people do. None of the actors, producers, directors, or grips listed in the credits are present in the theater at the end of the film. 

None of them can hear your applause.

Applause of this nature has always felt like an affectation to me. A means by which people attempt to elevate an experience beyond its earthly confines. It feels false and cloying to me. 

I don't like it.

If you must applaud at the end of fireworks shows and movies, then I suggest you consider applauding at the end of books as well, or at least at the end of my books. The only difference between applauding at the end of fireworks or a movie and applauding the end of one of my novels is that reading tends to be solitary in nature, whereas a fireworks show or film are enjoyed by many people simultaneously. 

But does this mean that you are applauding because you're in the presence of others, or are you applauding because you feel authentic and heartfelt appreciation for what you just experienced?

If it's the former, then applauding at the end of movies and fireworks shows just got even worse. Now you're applauding simply because other people are applauding as well. You're applauding because of social pressure. You're applauding because others are applauding.  

That makes no sense. 

If it's the latter, and your applause is a signal of genuine heartfelt appreciation, then applauding at the end of a book, TV show, song or even a podcast that you especially enjoy only makes sense. Right?

Why applaud a film but not a book if the presence of others who are also applauding is irrelevant? 

You must either fully commit to applauding entertainment of all kinds that you enjoy or stop this silliness forever.   

My humble opinion. And insistence.

The NRA: Important facts to remember before their crazy attack ads scare the hell out of you.

The NRA is apparently angry about something, if the recent NRA ad is to be believed. No one is entirely sure what has caused this sudden burst of anger, but they certainly sound angry.  

If anything, the NRA should be happy. For eight years, they claimed that President Obama was coming for the guns, and that never came close to happening. They should be celebrating. 

Instead, they produce this. Frankly, it's kind of frightening. 

But before anyone gets too worried about the hyperbole of the NRA, perspective is important.

The NRA has approximately 5 million members. This number is disputed by many agencies and media outlets, because the NRA reports different membership numbers at different times and seems to be uncertain or deliberately misleading when it comes to an actual count, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they have 5 million dues paying members.

Five million represents about 1% of the US population and about 7% of all gun owners in the United States. This is a politically powerful organization, but it has a relatively small constituency.

99% of Americans do not belong to the NRA, and 93% of gun owners do not belong.

It's also important to remember that NRA members often disagree with the NRA on key issues. For example, a vast majority of NRA members (over 75%) support comprehensive background checks before purchasing a gun, but the NRA stands opposed to this. 

Almost half of all NRA members (and over half of all gun owners) support a ban on assault rifles and high capacity magazines as well, but the NRA stands in opposition to this as well.    

In many ways, the NRA is a politically motivated organization that does not align itself to the opinions of its members. 

In summary:

Crazy, irrational attack ads: Absolutely. 

Politically strong organization? Undoubtedly.

Representing the opinions and beliefs of its members well? Not really. 

Encompassing a large segment of the Americans (or even gun owners): Not even close. 

We knew exactly what we were getting.

Perhaps you've heard about or even read Donald Trump's recent tweets targeting Morning Joe hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski. Disgusting personal attacks on a woman's physical appearance that are, according to photographic evidence from the evening in question, untrue. 

In a series of two connected tweets about that night, he managed to categorically lie three times. 

Then there was the video of Trump body slamming and choking a man with a CNN box superimposed over his head that he tweeted on Sunday, less than 24 hours after his spokesperson said, "The President in no way, form or fashion has ever promoted or encouraged violence.”

People are shocked. Stunned. They can't believe how the President of the United States has engaged in such petty, infantile behavior with so many real problems in need of solutions. They are worried that Trump is unhinged. Out of control. Dangerous, even.

No one should be surprised.

Let me remind you that we had ample warning of this long before Trump was elected President. One television commercial in particular laid out the case rather concisely.

Reputation matters even more when the world is small.

Filed under "It's a small world" comes these two gems:

Back in March of 1999, my partner, Bengi, and I worked as DJ's at our second wedding ever. While reminiscing about that first year of our DJ career recently, we wondered how life turned out for those first few clients. 

It turns out that it's pretty easy to find a woman on Facebook when you know her maiden and married names, so with no effort at all, I located the bride at that second-ever wedding. I was happy to see that she is still married to the groom, and that today she is a mother.

I also noticed that we have a Facebook friend in common. 

Five years ago, I met a woman named Jeni while speaking at the school where she teaches. She learned about Speak Up and decided to tell a story for us. She has gone on to tell many stories for Speak Up on some of our biggest stages, and she now competes in Moth StorySLAMs.

She was the victim of one of my greatest acts of storytelling cruelty.

Jeni is a brilliant storyteller. I continue to visit her school every year to talk about my books and storytelling, and I'm thrilled to call her my friend. 

Jeni is also the cousin of that bride. She attended my second wedding ever. Though we have been friends for just a few short years, our paths first crossed almost 20 years ago.

Last week I spoke at a symposium on Cross Cultural Awareness at the Connecticut Convention Center. During lunch, I sat down at a table to eat a cookie. Someone was at the podium, speaking, so I couldn't introduce myself to my table mates. As I ate a cookie, I overheard one woman whisper to another, "I'll just need to somehow get in touch with Rich at Camp Jewell."

I took out my phone, opened my contact list, and then slid the phone over to her.

"Hi," I said, pointing at my phone. "I have Rich's email and cell number. Would you like to send him a text?"

I met Rich several years ago while bringing my students to Camp Jewell on overnight trips. He is the director of school programs. Over the years, Rich and I have gotten to know each other well. A couple years ago, Rich took the stage at Speak Up to tell a story. He's since returned and told many other hilarious stories. 

I told a friend about these two recent coincidences, and she argued that they happen more often to me than most because I know a lot of people.

"You've been a teacher and a DJ for 20 years, and you write and speak and perform onstage, and now you have Speak Up. Of course a lost of people know you."

She argued that these intersections of friends and acquaintances are more frequent for someone like me than most.

I disagree. I think that the world really is smaller than we sometimes think, and that it wouldn't take long for everyone to find similar intersections with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and even strangers.

I don't think you need to be Kevin Bacon to find six degrees of separation between people. In fact, I think that six is a lot. Probably too many. The world is much smaller than we realize. People are connected more closely than we realize. I'm constantly telling my students this in an effort to make them understand the importance and value of reputation. How hard it is earned and how easily it is destroyed. 

You never know when you might find yourself dancing at a wedding or eating a cookie in a conference room, unexpectedly connected to the people around you in unexpected ways.  

Resolution update June 2017

PERSONAL HEALTH

1. Don’t die.

Broken wisdom tooth. Ear infection. And tonight, I nearly fell off the stoop carrying an air conditioner. The universe was out to get me last month, but still alive and kicking.  

2. Lose 20 pounds.

I gained two more pounds in June, mostly due to illness (aforementioned ear infection and dental surgery) that kept me from the gym and ice cream, bringing the total loss for the year to six pounds.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done.   

4. Practice yoga at least three days a week for at least 15 minutes each day.

I participated in two yoga classes while working at Kripalu in May. Not exactly meeting the goal. 

5. Take the stairs whenever I am ascending or descending five flights or less.

I took the elevator to and from my dental surgery. Absolute terror kept me from remembering on the way up, and thanks to powerful drugs, I have no recollection of coming down.

Otherwise, it's been the stairs every time. 

WRITING CAREER

6. Complete my sixth novel before the end of 2017.

Work continues in earnest. Due date in has been moved back to October.   

7. Complete my first middle grade/YA novel.

Work continues in earnest. Due date is December.  

8. Write at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist. 

I started work on a non-fiction picture book about the great Idaho beaver airlift of 1948.

I also pitched a series of picture books to my agent. She liked. Eventually.   

9. Complete a book on storytelling.

Work continues in earnest. Due date in July.

10. Write a new screenplay.

No progress.

11. Write a musical.

Done! I will attend the table reading of the show, "Back in the Day," today, and it will be performed next Saturday.

12. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

I have submitted one piece to the Times so far in 2017.

No luck.  

13. Write a proposal for a nonfiction book related to education.

Note-taking completed. My proposal will need to include some sample chapters, so that process has begun.  

14. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

No progress.

15. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

On the suggestion of a reader:

I spent April praying to God at least once a day. Quite often three or more times per day. As you may know, I'm a reluctant atheist, so I hadn't prayed in a very long time. 

I'll be writing about the experience on my blog this month. 

I'm currently looking for my next behavior. Ideas anyone?

16. Increase my author newsletter subscriber base to 1,600.

I grew my list by 17 subscribers in April (and 159 overall this year). Total subscribers now stands at 1,443. If I continue at this pace, I will exceed 1,600 by the end of the year. 

If you would like to subscribe to my newsletter and receive writing and storytelling tips, Internet recommendations, recordings of new stories, and more, you can do so here:

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17. Write at least six letters to my father.

I wrote one letter to my father in June.     

18. Convert Greetings Little One into a book.

No progress. 

19. Record one thing learned every day in 2017.

Done! My favorite thing learned in June is this:

The actors who played Mr. and Mrs. Bueller in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' fell in love on set and got married after the film came out.

STORYTELLING

20. Produce a total of 12 Speak Up storytelling events.

We produced one show in June at the CT Historical Society. This brings our total number of Speak Up shows in 2017 to nine.

21. Deliver a TED Talk.

Done! I spoke about the important things that teachers do at The Pomfret School in April. It went well! Hoping the producers recorded the talk well, and it will result in a quality video. 

I've pitched talks to two other TED events. 

22. Attend at least 15 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I attended two Moth events in June (a StorySLAM in Boston and The Thread at Yale), bringing my yearly total to nine.

I plan to attend a lot of slams this summer.   

23. Win at least three Moth StorySLAMs.

I won a Moth StorySLAM in Boston in June. It was my second win of the year and 30th win overall.

24. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

It looks like my next opportunity to compete in a Moth GrandSLAM will be in September.  

25. Produce at least 50 episodes of my new podcast Live Better.

I pulled down my first episode after receiving feedback from a friend who works in radio. I'm currently re-recording with a slightly different format.

I expect to relaunch this summer. 

26. Perform stand up at least once in 2016. 

August 21. Sea Tea Comedy Theater. I'm kind of terrified.  

27. Write a one-person show.

The "writing" for this show is nearly complete. 

A local theater is interested in having me perform. I'll be meeting with the director in the summer. 

NEW PROJECTS

28. Explore the option of teaching a college class.

I met with a professor from a local college and described my proposed class. She approved of my idea and promised to pass the information onto her department head.    

This isn't enough, of course. I need to speak to a department head or higher myself. 

29. Cook at least 12 good meals (averaging one per month) in 2016.

No progress.

30. Plan a 25 year reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

The search for a location has begun. 

MISCELLANEOUS

31. I will stand in vocal opposition to every negative comment made about age disparities between male and female romantic couplings because I choose to respect a woman’s choices of romantic partner regardless of their age or the age of their partner.

No opportunities to vocally oppose this unfortunate prejudice in June.    

32. I will report on the content of speech during every locker room experience via social media in 2017.   

Done. 

Over the course of the month, I heard no man bragging about sexually assaulting women in any locker rooms (or anywhere else for that matter).  

33. I will stop presenting the heteronormative mother-and-father paradigm as the default parental paradigm when speaking to my children and my students.

Done. Not as hard as I thought. I switched over to "parents" in January and haven't slipped yet.     

34. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2017 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall. 

Done. I've also learned that at least three other people have adopted this policy, which thrills me.    

35. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2016.

Two surprises so far in 2017.  

Flowers and a Cadbury Egg. 

36. Replace the 12 ancient, energy-inefficient windows in our home with new windows that will keep the cold out and actually open in the warmer months.

We've hired someone to clear our windows, but this does not count. 

37. Optimize our television for a streaming service. 

We upgraded our cable television interface to a voice activated, much more intuitive system that may fit the requirements of a streaming service. This upgrade is tremendous. Credit Elysha for the upgrade as well as the reduction in our cable/Internet bill as well.  

This might be declared done in a month or two if we continue to be satisfied with this arrangement. 

38. Set a new personal best in golf.

I played half a dozen rounds of golf in June. I've grown accustomed to my new grip. I have yet to set a new personal best, but I am improving.     

39. Play poker at least six times in 2016.

No progress. 

40. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 25 years.

Two days spent working as DJ's at weddings in June.  

41. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done!

My summer vacation started with pain and fear. Then one man made it better.

My summer vacation, which began 10 days ago, unfortunately started out with a whimper.

I have a tube put in my ear - the same kind of tube that little kids get placed in their ears - and it became blocked and infected just before my school year ended, resulting in an ear infection. While I was suffering from this new and profound pain, my wisdom tooth cracked, exposing a nerve, but for at least a couple days, I assumed the pain was from my ear infection and did nothing.

A perfect storm of sorts. 

Eventually I went to my dentist and discovered the true source of the pain. Needless to say by then the pain and suffering had become quite intense, and because my oral surgeon was out of town and every other oral surgeon was apparently booked solid, I had to wait five days for the tooth to finally be removed.

Not a great way to start my summer vacation. 

The five days of waiting were especially challenging. During that time, I had to teach an all day workshop at a non-profit, perform in a show in New York City, and DJ two weddings.

I also attended a poetry reading by Billy Collins and took care of the kids on my own for a day and night when Elysha left for a Hall & Oates concert in Boston.  

It really was a perfect storm. 

The actual extraction of the tooth wasn't exactly a piece of cake, either. 

As a dental patient, I am a nightmare. I was in a car accident as a teenager that sent me through the windshield and knocked out the entire bottom row of my teeth in one chunk. That chunk was eventually wired down (the most painful moment of my life) and most of my teeth miraculously survived, but it was the start of my battle with post traumatic stress disorder, which was heightened five years later when a gun was pressed to my head and the trigger was pulled in the midst of an armed robbery. 

I've been battling PTSD ever since.

Dental work triggers my PTSD something fierce. Add to this a paralyzing fear of needles as a result of my near-death experience following a bee sting and the dozens of shots that followed and the idea of surgery to extract a wisdom tooth nearly had me in tears. I couldn't sleep in the days leading up to the surgery. I thought about it constantly. I wondered if I could just learn to live with the pain of an exposed nerve and forget the surgery entirely. 

But here's the good news:

Enter Dr. Howard, my dental surgeon. Unlike so many doctors who I have met over the course of my life, Dr. Howard listened patiently and intently to my fears. He validated them, assuring me that he understood how and why I felt the way I did. He spoke slowly and clearly. He repeated his explanations with patience and kindness when I asked. He did not lie to me. He told me what would hurt and what would not, and it all turned out exactly as he described.

He made me feel normal. I was a grown man, struggling with PTSD, nearly in tears over a routine dental surgery, but he made me feel normal.  

This is what a patient like me needs to get through these situations without the panic that can produce three months of nightmares, which is entirely possible following a procedure like this. I found a man who cared about the whole person: mind, body and teeth. It made the surgery so much easier, and I have slept well ever since.

He also called me the next day to check on me, which was both unexpected and appreciated.

A few minutes of genuine empathy, a bit of effective communication, and some much appreciated patience can go a long way, especially with someone like me. If you're in a doctor or dentist office and feeling nervous, afraid, or consumed with abject terror like I was, demand the same treatment. Insist upon it. If you don't receive it, let me know. I'll be happy to chime in on your behalf. 

Words matter. They can make all the difference. 

When one of my former students was battling cancer years ago, I went to New York City to donate platelets on her behalf. The nurse, who had been working in the blood collection unit for 30 years, told Elysha that I was the worst patient of her career.

I don't doubt it. When it comes to needles, I am a mess. 

Years later, I had to give blood for a routine test. In that instance, I encountered a nurse who listened to the reasons why needles terrify me. He said, "I get it, man. That's one enormous negative feedback loop you have going. I'd feel the same way if I was you. Let me help you through this. Okay?"

It was the least stressful blood draw of my life.  

Words matter. Kindness is a powerful tool. Patience can mean everything. 

I'm sitting here now with an ice pack on my jaw. I'm on the mend. My mouth still hurts, but it's nothing like an exposed nerve. My summer is back on track, thanks to a doctor who knows how to remove a broken tooth and knows how to handle a broken psyche. 

Boys in skirts

It's been done before under similar circumstances, but every time it happens, I feel great joy and hope for the world. 

A short-sighted, authoritarian school regime arbitrarily decrees that shorts are not permitted in accordance with the school's purposeless dress code. At the same time, the school maintains that skirts, which are essentially shorts without legs, are perfectly acceptable.

In response, boys arrive to school the next day donning skirts of their own to highlight the stupidity of gender-based dress codes.

In this case, it was the boys of Isca Academy in Exeter, where temperatures reached record highs. The boys had asked their teachers if they could swap their long trousers for shorts and were told no – shorts weren’t permitted under the school’s uniform policy. 

Then this happened. It's it fantastic?

As is often the case, the school officials reacted slowly, clumsily, and stupidly to the situation, saying that they were prepared to think again in the long term.

Shouldn't they always be thinking in the long term?

The headteacher, Aimee Mitchell, said: “We recognize that the last few days have been exceptionally hot and we are doing our utmost to enable both students and staff to remain as comfortable as possible."

No you're not, Aimee. "Doing your utmost" would have meant saying yes when the boys asked to wear shorts because boys wearing shorts is no big deal. 

Mitchell added, “Shorts are not currently part of our uniform for boys, and I would not want to make any changes without consulting both students and their families. However, with hotter weather becoming more normal, I would be happy to consider a change for the future.”

You want to consult the students, Aimee? Do you really think there is a significant numbers of boys who oppose the relaxing of the dress code? 

And since these boys came to school in skirts, can't we rightfully assume that their parents were aware of their protest and supported it as well?

How about just doing what is right and just? Eliminate your gender-based dress code and allow boys to expose their legs in the same way that girls can. When it's a matter of common sense and justice, leaders take immediate action. 

What I'll never understand is how shorts have become second class citizens in so many parts of society, despite the fact that they are nearly identical to skirts. It makes absolutely no sense. 

Imagine a school in 2017 where girls were only permitted to wear skirts, regardless of temperature or personal preference? What might the reaction to that kind of gender-based dress code be?

Is it any different than a school (or anyplace) where boys are only permitted wear pants? 

I don't have T-rex arms, but if I did, it would be for a very good reason.

One of my friends famously described me as a "neckless stump with legs for arms."

This wasn't nice, but when I use that description onstage to describe myself, it always gets a laugh, so I embrace it.

Anything for the laugh.  

Another friend watched me golfing one day and described me as having T-Rex arms. Short and stubby.

I have since proven that my arms are appropriately proportioned to my body.

Sadly, the T-rex comment has stuck, so even though I have taken the measurements and proven him wrong, I still hear this less funny insult from time to time. 

So now... good news. The discovery of a new dinosaur in Argentina, which has arms similar to the T-rex, has scientists convinced that these arms weren't just useless appendages that evolution forgot to eliminate but important parts of the dinosaur's anatomy. 

"The more dinosaurs we find, the more it is becoming clear that many theropods reduced their forelimbs. It is a recurring pattern," said Steve Brusatte, a paleontologist at University of Edinburgh

The purpose for these short, stumpy arms?

"I think there is good evidence that the arms got smaller as the head got larger, so the head was taking over many of the duties that the arms once had, like procuring and processing food. But they must have still been doing something, or else evolution would probably have just gotten rid of them, the same way snakes lost their legs when their legs no longer served a purpose."    

So if I had short and stumpy arms (which I don't), they would probably serve some extremely useful purpose related to a larger head size (I do have a large head) that has yet to be determined.

All of this is moot, of course, because my arms are perfectly proportionate to my body in every way. Regardless of what my friends my say.  

A summer camp has adopted my restriction on commenting on physical appearance, and I'm thrilled.

For more than a decade, I've been refraining from commenting on student's physical appearance, both negatively or positively. It's a policy I explain to parents and students at the beginning of the year, and it's one that my students have always appreciated.

My reasons are many.

There are far more important qualities in a child worth commenting on than the way a student looks. Children often have little control over their appearance. Choice of clothing and hairstyle is often dictated by parental preference and the family's income level and hardly represents any true fashion sense. Comments on physical appearance - even when positive - create a culture where physical appearance matters.Comments on physical appearance are often skewed by culture, age, sex, and personal history.  When you compliment on a little boy's suit or a little girl's dress, you risk unintentionally and unknowingly insulting the little boy or girl whose family can't afford a suit or dress. 

I could go on and on. 

Beginning this year, I've extended my policy to include all people save my wife, children, and mother-in-law. Except for these four people, I refrain from commenting on the physical appearance - positively or negatively - because I want to live in a world where physical appearance is less important than a person's actions, words, and deeds. 

Not everyone thinks these policies are brilliant. Quite a few find them unrealistic and fruitless. A few have pushed back hard on my position. To my knowledge, no one has adopted my policy for themselves.

Until now. 

My friend, Kathy, recently sent me information from Eden Village Camp where one of her cousin's sons is working as a Counselor in Training this summer. The camp has a policy called BodyTalk which states that campers are not permitted to comment on anyone's appearance whether positive, negative or neutral.  

They explain their rationale in great detail on their website, but one section that I liked a lot was this:

“If you tell me “You have great hair,” for a minute it might feel nice and I might feel a certain kinship with you and obviously it’s not the end of the world. But physical compliments are still judgments on our appearance. This time the verdict was positive; next time it might not be. The scrutiny adds pressure on me to provide an encore, to spend time grooming my hair tomorrow too, so as to continue receiving approval. I might privately hate my hair and wonder whether you actually really like my hair or just want to bring attention to it, or if I’ve received many such compliments I might be concluding that my hair is important to making me valuable. I might wonder why you never compliment my clothing. If others witnessed the compliment, those people might be thinking “I wish my hair looked like that! Maybe I should get it chemically treated,” etc. In short, it’s a whole lot of mental noise. And that’s just for a compliment!

Bonding via appreciations is great – we encourage more meaningful ones, like specific ways in which someone inspires you or a time you noticed someone doing something kind.”

I encourage you to check out their webpage that explains the policy in full. It's a reasonable, rationale, and respectful way of running a summer camp, and frankly, it's the way every school in America should be run as well.

Teachers may not be able to control the comments that students make about each other, but they can certainly control what they say to children themselves. There is absolutely, positively no reason for a teacher to make a comment on a student's physical appearance ever. It's purposeless, potentially harmful, and completely non-productive.  

If you'd like to read more about my thoughts on the subject, here are some previous pieces stretching back almost a decade:

Stop complimenting students

Don't compliment students. One kid's compliment is another kid's insult. Restaurant staffers also take note.

My brand new, completely unrealistic, possibly supercilious goal that you should try, too.

Teachers: Stop commenting, positively or negatively, on your student’s physical appearance. It’s only hurting them.

Complimenting an item of clothing is the lowest form of compliment

Greatest badass of all time

This is real. 

A photo of a man in Alberta, Canada mowing a lawn with a tornado swirling behind him.

Cecilia Wessels snapped the picture of her husband, Theunis, as the twister passed near their home in Three Hills. She said cutting the grass was on her husband's to-do list, and as he started the task, she went for a nap.

Wessels says she was woken by her nine-year-old daughter who was upset that there was something like a tornado in the sky, but her father wouldn't come inside.

"It looks much closer if you look in the photo," he said. "But it was really far away. Well, not really far, far away, but it was far away from us. I was keeping an eye on it."

Who can't respect the desire to complete a chore once you've started it?