Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 24

I’m happy to tell the Democrats how to fight

If the Democrats ever decide to go on offense and combat some of the authoritarian, cruel, and deceitful actions being undertaken by Trump and his cast of incompetent and dangerous monsters, I’m making it known that I’m officially available to help.

Perhaps they have some grand plan and do not require my services. Maybe they are operating as a single unit and are poised to launch their counter-offensive at a time deemed most appropriate.

If so, I’m thrilled. More than happy to allow the experienced politicians to take the lead.

But when asked why the Democrats aren’t responding more forcefully to Trump and Musk’s authoritarian violation of laws and norms and their firehouse of lies and stupidity, Minority leader Hakeem Jeffries likened his party to New York Yankees all-star hitter Aaron Judge:

“Judge is a great hitter because he doesn’t swing at every pitch.”

In other words, we can’t react or respond to everything.

Three things:

This isn’t baseball. It’s a hell of a lot more serious than grown men playing a child’s game.Aaron Judge swings at about 42% of his pitches. As far as I can tell, the Democrats have yet to remove the bat from their shoulder.Trump is lobbing some enormous softballs of authoritarian scumbaggery, ignorance, and corruption. These are all pitches in desperate need of hitting.

Hopefully, this is irrelevant. At any moment, the Democrats will launch a messaging campaign and issue a rallying cry that will restore energy and hope to their base while convincing Americans who voted for Trump but are now wondering if their choice was a good one that other political options are available.

For example:

Yes, I voted for Trump, but I didn’t think he’d really pardon rioters who planned and executed a violent, deadly assault on police officers and the willful destruction of government property.

Yes, I voted for Trump, but I didn’t think he’d give Elon Musk and his crew of twentysomethings access to my social security number and personal information.

Yes, I voted for Trump, but I didn’t expect him to gut our largest and most effective intelligence and law enforcement apparatus at a time when the world is exceedingly dangerous.

Yes, I voted for Trump because he promised to tackle inflation on day one, but since the election, he hasn’t mentioned inflation once, and the price of eggs has continued to rise since he took office.

Yes, I voted for Trump because he promised to end the war in Gaza on day one, but now, he’s suggested sending US service men and women into Gaza to relocate two million people to a country that doesn’t want them so he can develop beachfront property. That’s not exactly ending the war.

This is low-hanging fruit ripe for the picking.

Softballs in need of smashing.

I hope they plan to start swinging soon.

If the Democrats don’t know how to engage in the verbal and articulative warfare that is required, please call me.

I’m certainly not the best person for the job, but I have ideas, and it’s time to fight.

Craving an audience

A solitary sunfish at an aquarium in southwestern Japan lost its appetite, began banging into the side of the fish tank, and appeared unwell days after the facility closed last month for renovations.

As a last-ditch measure to save the popular fish, its keepers hung their uniforms and set up human cutouts outside the tank.

The next morning, the sunfish ate for the first time in about a week and has been steadily recovering.

It turns out that the sunfish had become accustomed to an audience and missed it.

I understand how it feels.

When recording my courses and videos in my studio, I have difficulty maintaining my energy level because speaking to a camera is nothing like speaking to a live or even virtual audience.

It’s stagnant, inert, and dreadful. No fun at all.

To help me overcome this problem, my production manager took photos of Elysha and affixed them above the lens so that every time I look into the camera, I see her smiling face, which makes me smile, sit up, and get excited.

It really works. Every single time.

That Japanese sunfish and me:

It turns out we both require an audience to be our best selves.

Jump scares marketed properly

Introducing TabBoo… 

A Chrome extension designed to add random jumpscares to websites you’re trying to avoid.

In the words of TabBoo’s marketing:

“You’re stuck in an addictive, endless loop, loading the same sites over and over again. Install the extension and let aversive conditioning do the rest.”

I don’t like this much. Websites aren’t like nicotine, heroin, or doomscrolling. If you don’t want to visit Pinterest, Temu, or Club Penguin, don’t.

Besides, TabBoo is too easy to turn off. It’s not like you’re adding a permanent jump scare to the website. With two clicks, it goes away, and you’re staring at some Pinterest board of pet shenanigans or ’90s nostalgia again.

But this browser extension has an outstanding use that the company should absolutely lean into:

Trickery, tomfoolery, and pranking.

I’d love to add this extension to the browsers of friends and colleagues, adding jump scares to some of their most commonly visited websites.

Surreptitiously add this Chrome extension to your pal’s browser, ensuring it isn’t one of the extensions visible in the address bar. Then, wait for that person to visit their favorite sports, news, or shopping website.

With luck, they may never figure out what’s going on, dooming them to a lifetime of shock and fear.

Now that is something I can get behind, and more importantly, it’s what TabBoo should be marketing immediately.

Sad bananas

Bananas are sold in bunches, but when a banana falls off the bunch before it hits grocery store shelves, the grocer has a problem:

People don’t like buying single bananas when there are perfectly good bunches beside them.

The result is a lot of wasted bananas and lost profits.

But good news!

These lonely bananas have the potential to find a good home with the right messaging.

Researchers made three different signs to hang up above crates of single bananas:

One was a picture of a sad banana saying, “We are sad single bananas who want to be bought as well.”One was a picture of a happy banana saying, “We are happy single bananas who want to be bought as well.”A third sign read, “Here are single bananas that want to be bought as well.”

The results?

Shoppers were far more likely to buy a single banana when the image of the sad banana was used.

Of course, as a storyteller and someone who works with companies every day to increase sales, improve messaging, and motivate consumers, I could’ve easily predicted the results of this experiment.

The sad banana sign — unlike the other two signs — is a story containing stakes:

A lonely, depressed banana in need of a home. Tears in its eyes. Yearning for a place of its own.

It’s a story as old as time.

It also emotionally connects with consumers who understand the pain and grief associated with loneliness and exclusion. The sad face makes that connection possible, whereas a happy-faced banana saying the same thing lacks the inherent need for concern or empathy.

In some ways, the happy banana claiming to be “a happy single” is incongruous, illogical, and maybe even monstrous — the serial killer of bananas.

Even using the word “who” instead of “that” in the text helps to personify the banana. The sign could just as easily have read:

“We are sad single bananas that also want to be bought.”

But switch “that” to “who,” and it converts an object to something with a soul.

We use “that” to speak about things. We see “who” to speak about living, sentient beings.

This is the beauty of storytelling:

A few simple words — chosen well and attached to a simple image — can reduce waste, increase profits, and find a happy home for a wayward piece of fruit.

All at almost no cost to the grocer.

Quitters never win

Charlie has launched a YouTube channel called Rails Across New England, charting his new obsession with rail fanning:

Watching and recording trains as they pass by stations and crossings.

Also learning about the intricacies of America’s railway system. Buying and building model train sets. Deep diving into different types of engines, cars, stations., etc. 

His YouTube channel currently has 66 followers. 

“It’s not a lot,” he told me. “But it’s better than none.”

He’s recently started doing YouTube Lives on his channel. After his most recent live broadcast, he said, “I had exactly zero people watching tonight, but that’s okay. I’m doing it. I’m making stuff, even if no one is watching.” 

I love that kid. 

He understands that things almost always suck at first, and they will likely suck for a long time.

So many people — almost everyone — quit when success does not come easily to them. In the face of overwhelming odds and daily disappointments, they surrender their dreams and resign themselves to a lifetime of regret.

Molly Shannon’s first pitch tape to SNL was watched and passed over. While reflecting on that time, she said her thoughts were this:

“That’s okay. I’ll keep honing my craft, and maybe in five years, SNL will give me another chance.”

For five years, Shannon hosted a show in New York City, cultivating a list of people she would constantly call, email, and beg to attend. She paid for the band and theater out of pocket and made almost no money in the process.

Five years later, SNL gave her a second look. They asked for her to submit another video. Instead, she insisted the producer attend one of her shows, which — after five years of grinding, suffering, and honing her craft — was extraordinary.

The producer reluctantly agreed.

The rest is history.

FIVE YEARS.

She worked like hell for five years before making her dream come true.

How many other people would work for five years in obscurity and poverty while waiting for their next break?

It saddens me to say not many.

Hopefully, it won’t take Charlie five years for someone to watch him perform live.

If it does, I hope he has the wisdom and tenacity of a Molly Shannon to make it happen.

Surprise! No phones but great photos!

I made a lot of excellent decisions when planning Elysha’s surprise party.

Preserving the surprise was one of them — probably the most important and most difficult when it comes to pulling off a surprise. Coordinating with a restaurant, vendors, and about 80 guests without your ever-present wife not catching on is not so easy.

Starting the planning six months before the party also helped a lot. A long runway for events like this is critical.

But hiring a photographer turned out to be pretty important, too.

The photographs turned out great. Even better, almost none of the guests had phones out during the party to take photos. At one point, I stood in the center of the room and purposely scanned the guests, and I didn’t see a single phone in a single hand.

I can’t remember the last time I stood in a crowd of people and didn’t see a phone.

Instead of staring at screens, we spent our time in the company of friends and family, celebrating Elysha’s birthday while a professional captured the memories on our behalf.

Here are just a few of the photos taken that night.

  

 

 

 

Surprise! No phones but grat photos!

I made a lot of excellent decisions when planning Elysha’s surprise party.

Preserving the surprise was one of them — probably the most important and most difficult when it comes to pulling off a surprise. Coordinating with a restaurant, vendors, and about 80 guests without your ever-present wife not catching on is not so easy.

Starting the planning six months before the party also helped a lot. A long runway for events like this is critical.

But hiring a photographer turned out to be pretty important, too.

The photographs turned out great. Even better, almost none of the guests had phones out during the party to take photos. At one point, I stood in the center of the room and purposely scanned the guests, and I didn’t see a single phone in a single hand.

I can’t remember the last time I stood in a crowd of people and didn’t see a phone.

Instead of staring at screens, we spent our time in the company of friends and family, celebrating Elysha’s birthday while a professional captured the memories on our behalf.

Here are just a few of the photos taken that night.

  

 

 

 

A perfect dedication

A friend from my McDonald’s managing days sent me this dedication that he found in the book he’s reading:

“For anyone who has ever cried in a walk-in refrigerator.”

This is an author who understands restaurant workers.

I managed McDinald’s restaurants from age 17 through 28, first as a junior in high school, then to support myself when I was kicked out of my home, and later to put myself through college.

I was also fired from the company after being arrested and tried for a crime I didn’t commit, but I quickly found a position with a franchisee who believed in me.

When I moved from Massachusetts to Connecticut, I worked at a McDonald’s in Hartford, Connecticut, managing full-time while attending Manchester Community College, Trinity College, and St. Joseph’s University.

I would work from 4:00 AM until 1:00 PM on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I would attend classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons and evenings and all day on Tuesday and Thursday.

I also wrote for the school newspaper, competed in statewide debates, served on the student council, and was President of the National Honor Society.

During the last two years of this schedule, my partner, Bengi, and I launched our DJ business.

I don’t know how I did it, except after being jailed, homeless, tried for a crime I didn’t commit, and the victim of a brutal crime, nothing ever seemed so difficult anymore.

When you finally escape constant hopelessness and fear, you can’t wait to start your life.

But all that said… I never cried in the walk-in refrigerator before.

I kissed girls in walk-in refrigerators.

I was asked and agreed to be the stripper for a bachelorette party in a walk-in refrigerator.

I was asked and rejected the offer of sex in a walk-in refrigerator.

I was knocked unconscious after slipping on a wet floor in a walk-in refrigerator.

I was accidentally locked in a walk-in refrigerator for about two hours during an early morning shift before an employee arrived and found me trapped inside.

But I have found many people crying in walk-in refrigerators.

Many were crying because of the stress of the shift.

Some were crying because of a love connection gone awry.

Some were crying because something in life sucked, and a walk-in refrigerator is a private place amongst the tomatoes and radishes to weep where no one will hear you.

If you need to cry, it’s not a bad place to grab a few minutes and spill some tears.

As this author clearly understands.

3,700 miles apart

As you probably know, the Atlantic Ocean didn’t always exist.

During the time of the dinosaurs, South America and Africa were joined as one land mass.

About 140 million years ago, they began to drift apart, giving way to the South Atlantic. But before that happened, northeastern Brazil directly linked up with Cameroon along the Gulf of Guinea.

Last summer, a remarkable discovery was made:

Scientists found a matching trail of dinosaur footprints — 260 in all from the Early Cretaceous Period — on either side of the Atlantic that are believed to have once been part of the very same trail.

About 140 million years ago, a dinosaur walked from South America to Africa while they were still connected, and even though the continents eventually divided, the footprints remained.

3,700 miles apart.

Astounding.

Also infuriating.

On the unlikely chance that I someday die, I have been trying like hell for most of my life to leave enough behind to be remembered in some feeble attempt to achieve an imperfect immortality:

Books, stories, magazine columns, solo shows, podcasts… anything and everything I can do to leave my mark on this world.

I went into teaching for many reasons, but one was to create positive ripples in the future by helping the children occupying my classroom.

Death is terrifying to me, but coming in a close second is the idea that I have walked this world and persisted on this mortal coil for decades (and perhaps centuries) only to one day become irrelevant and forgotten.

I can’t even bear the thought.

Then some almost certainly stupid dinosaur manages to achieve the same damn thing — 140 million years worth of imperfect immortality — without even trying.

Resolution update: January 2025

Every month, I record my progress on my yearly goals to hold myself accountable and occasionally seek help and advice from readers willing to offer insight, ideas, and solutions.

Here are my results from January.

PERSONAL FITNESS/ATHLETICS

1. Don’t die.

Didn’t even come close to death in January.

2. Lose 10 pounds.

I gained a pound. Good job, Matt.

3. Do a targeted push-up workout at least four times per week. 

Done.

4. Complete 100 sit-ups four times per week. 

Done.

5. Complete three one-minute planks four times a week.

Done.

6. Cycle for at least five days every week. 

I completed 22 rides in January — a lower-than-usual number for me. Travel to Florida and a week of consecutive evenings in New York City, Boston, and New Haven kept me off the bike as much as I’d like.

7. Try at least three new vegetables I have never eaten before or do not like. 

No progress. I don’t even know what vegetables to try that I’ve never tried before.

8. Get a DEXA Scan and VO2 Max test at least once in 2025.

Local facility identified. Appointment will likely happen in the summer.

9. Lower my handicap to 19.9. 

I played one reasonable round of gold while in Florida and two atrocious rounds. It was like I forgot how to play.

I have a new coach, and I will work hard this winter to improve so that I am ready to return to the golf course once the ground thaws.

WRITING CAREER

10. Complete my eighth novel.

No progress.

11. Write, edit, and revise my golf memoir.

No progress.

12. Write my “Advice for Kids” book.

I’ve added quite a bit to this book, including new student recommendations, new thoughts of my own, and an actual list and letter written by former students.

13. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist.

No progress.

14. Write about my childhood in partnership with my sister, Kelli, at least once per month. 

No progress.

15. Write a new solo show.

Working has begun in earnest.

16. Submit at least three Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

No progress.

17. Write at least four letters to my father.

No progress.

18. Write 150 letters.

A total of 38 letters were written in January to students, former students, clients, the chef of a local restaurant, the server in a local restaurant, storytellers, and others.

19. Write to at least six authors about a book I love. 

No progress.

STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER

20. Launch a new Homework for Life app.

Excellent progress, thanks largely to my digital wizard partner in this project. I look forward to announcing a beta version of the product soon.

21. Record and publish at least 25 videos to my YouTube channel.

No progress.

22. Perform a new solo show.

Dates have been locked in: May 4 and 5 at TheaterWorks in Hartford.

Save the date!

23. Revise my free Storyworthy Academy.  

It’s nearly complete. We need to add a video or two, but I’m happy to report that the free Storyworthy Academy, as it exists online today, is excellent.

24. Record and produce at least three new Storyworthy courses.

We are deciding upon topics now and will begin recording shortly.

25. Produce a total of six Speak Up storytelling events in 2023

Elysha and I produced a sold-out show on January 11 at the Connecticut Museum for History and Culture.

We have another show scheduled for February 7 at District in New Haven.

26. Submit pitches to at least three upcoming TEDx events, hoping to be accepted by one.

No progress.

27. Attend at least eight Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I attended one Moth StorySLAM in January. Although I couldn’t take the stage, two of my friends and students did, and they told the two best stories of the night.

28. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.

No progress.

29. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

No progress.

30. Pitch “You’re a Monster, Matthew Dicks” or my new show to six theaters in 2025. 

No progress.

31. Produce at least 24 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.

No progress.

32. Perform stand-up at least six times. 

I performed stand-up at an open mic at The Elbow Room in West Hartford, CT. It went well.

33. Pitch three stories to This American Life.

No progress.

34. Submit at least three pitches to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast.

No progress.

35. Send a newsletter to readers at least 50 times. 

Eight newsletters were sent in January — to both my Storyworthy and Speak Up communities.

HOME

36. Organize the basement.

A smidgen of progress. Some additional items have been thrown away.

36. Clear the garage of unwanted items.

Negative progress was made as my family managed to add items to the garage that don’t belong.

37. Replace our backyard shed.

No progress.

38. Get the hardwood floors refinished.

No progress.

FAMILY/FRIENDS

39. Travel to Europe.

Waiting on possible tour dates to Australia and Portugal before we finalize European dates.

We’re also traveling to Florida this month and Canada in April, so we must finalize those vacations first.

40. Text or call my brother or sister once per month. 

Done. The texts were short and pathetic, but they happened!

41. Bring my brother, sister, and me together at least twice in 2025.

No progress.

42. Take at least one photo of my children every day.

Except for days when I was away and unable to take the photograph, done.

43. Take at least one photo with Elysha and me each week.

I have photos from two of the four weeks, but thanks to hiring a photographer for the surprise party, I have more than four photos of us together.

44. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

No progress.

45. I will not comment positively or negatively on the physical appearance of anyone except my wife and children to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.

Done. Piece of cake.

46. Surprise Elysha at least 12 times.

I hosted a surprise birthday party for Elysha on January 4. It will likely be the biggest surprise of the year.

47. Play poker at least six times.

No progress.

48. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.

No progress.

MUSIC

49. Memorize the lyrics to at least five favorite songs. 

No progress.

50. Practice the flute at least four times per week.

No progress. I’m an idiot.

MISCELLANEOUS PROJECTS

51. Host at least three dinner parties where I cook.

No progress.

52. Develop a course on self-confidence. 

Excellent progress. Strategies are being collected, an instructional outline is being developed, and I’m interviewing people for thoughts and ideas.

53. Develop a list of strategies to help people deal with loneliness and produce it in some form.

Excellent progress. I am collecting strategies and talking to many people about their possible efficacy and any additional ideas.

54. Read at least 12 books.

I read four books in January:

“Unreasonable Hospitality” by Will Guidara
“Schtick to Business” by Pete McGraw
”The Humor Code” by Pete McGraw
“Catching the Big Fish” by David Lynch

I’m currently reading:

”Miracle and Wonder” by Bruce Headlam and Malcolm Gladwell
“Simply Said” by Jay Sullivan

55. Finish reading TIME’s 100 Best Children’s Books of All Time. 

Progress! I read five books in January, bringing my total to 44 total books read off the list.

56. Edit our wedding footage into a movie of the day.

”Miracle and Wonder” by Bruce Headlam and Malcolm Gladwell

57. Digitize a pile of DVDs that contain dance recitals, plays, and other assorted moments from the past.

I’ve assembled the material. It is sitting in an annoying pile on my desk.

58. Memorize three new poems.

I have memorized (and can sign) “This is Just to Say” by William Carlos Williams.

59. Post my progress regarding these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.

Done.