Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 157
July 3, 2021
Jiffy
I discovered something delightful today.
The word “jiffy,” which is normally used to indicate an unspecified short period, as in “I will be back in a jiffy” has also acquired a number of more precise applications as the name of multiple units of measurement.
A jiffy is a specified period of time
.01 seconds
Isn’t that great?
July 1, 2021
Resolution update: June 2021
1. Don’t die.
Definitely alive, unless of course we’re all living in a digital simulation.
Which is more than likely…
2. Lose 20 pounds.
Lost 4 more pounds in June. 10 pounds overall.
Credit lots of cycling and swimming, plus the replacement of our NordicTrack at last.
3. Do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 3 one-minute planks for five days a week.
Done.
4. Cycle for at least 5 days every week.
Done! 26 days spent cycling in June. A total of 22 rides IRL and 4 rides on the NordicTrack.
5. Set a new personal best in golf.
This is tricky.
First, I tied by best round ever last weekend with a 9 over par 45 for 9 holes.
Bogie golf.
But I also managed to shoot a 5 over par 36 on a par 31 executive course. I also shot a 7 over par on the same course the next day.
But do I really count those scores as personal bests considering the shortness of the course?
I think not. I consider it an achievement to shoot as well as I did on those days, but I’ll judge my personal best on a regulation course.
I think.
6. Complete my seventh novel before the end of 2021.
Progress continues on this novel, but there is a twist:
My editor may want a memoir that I wrote three years ago about a summer spent playing golf instead of the novel in progress, which would force me to put aside the novel for a time and focus on getting my memoir into shape.
Nevertheless, writing continues.
7. Complete “Someday is Today” before the end of 2021.
Progress continues. Due in August, and get this:
Even though the book isn’t finished yet, I’ve already been sent cover proposals.
Talk about pressure.
8. Complete “Storyworthy 2” before the end of 2021.
DONE! I sent the first draft of this book (it might be two books) to my agent for her review. Given that I finished another book on storytelling before the book I have under contract, I may need to wait a bit before we sell Storyworthy 2, but it looks promising.
9. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist, and one protagonist who is not neurotypical.
I’ve begun writing my first and second picture books of 2021. One is nearly finished. The other is outlined. Excited about both.
10. Write 40,000 words of a memoir.
Progress! Nearly 9,000 words written! 2,000 more in June.
11. Write a new screenplay.
No progress.
12. Write a solo show.
Work continues in earnest. I haven’t met with my collaborators since March, but it’s simply because I’m making solid progress and want to wait until I stall out to meet with them. I did, however, review the show with a producer who offered a couple good notes and loves the idea.
13. Write a musical.
My partner, Kaia, and I have shifted away from our original idea to a new one, and work has begun with greater earnest. The original idea is still good, but this one is just as good or better. It’s also the topic of my new memoir, so there is some serious synergy between the two projects.
Also, Kaia is seriously jazzed about this.
14. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.
Two pieces submitted and rejected by the New York Times. Two in total in 2021.
15. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.
No progress.
16. Select two behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.
No progress.
I still need to write about my experiences with ASMR and my reading of 50 Shades of Gray from last year.
If you have suggestions on something I should try or adopt, please let me know.
17. Increase my newsletter subscriber base to 6,000 (from 4,497).
I added 42 subscribers in June for a total of 4,822.
If you’d like to sign up for my newsletter, you can do so here:
18. Send a newsletter to readers at least 25 times (every other week).
Three newsletters sent in June.
A total of 13 newsletters sent so far in 2021.
Still on pace to hit my goal.
19. Write at least six letters to my father.
Two letters in total sent in 2021.
20. Write 100 letters in 2021.
A total of 9 letters written and sent in June. Students and friends.
A total of 48 so far in 2021. Almost on pace for 100.
21. Convert 365 Days of Elysha into a book.
I’ve hired an assistant and passed this task onto her. Given that I have no eye for design, she will ultimately do a better job than I ever could.
22. Complete and release my limited episode podcast on “Twenty-One Truths About Love.”
DONE. Completed and published. You can listen to the five episode series in the Speak Up Storytelling feed.
STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER23. Produce a total of 6 Speak Up storytelling events.
Elysha and I produced our fourth show of 2021 on June 18 in collaboration with two other Hartford-based storytelling shows.
We’ve also partnered with The Hill-stead Museum in Farmington, CT for our first live show in more than a year, outdoors.
August 18 with an August 19 rain date.
24. Pitch myself to at least 3 upcoming TEDx events with the hopes of being accepted by one.
DONE! I pitched talks to TEDx events in New Haven, Boston University, and Salem University.
I await word.
I will be speaking at TEDx Berkshires on July 24.
25. Pitch myself to Master Class at least three times in 2021.
One pitch made so far in 2021.
26. Attend at least 5 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.
DONE! I attended one virtual Moth StorySLAM in June, bringing my total to 8 events in 2021.
I’ll be attending my first LIVE StorySLAM in July. My first in almost two years!
27. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.
DONE! I won my 51st Moth StorySLAM in February. Certainly not the same as a live, onstage StorySLAM, but it’s always an honor to tell a story to an audience of any kind.
I also won the story slam at the International Festival for Arts and Ideas in New Haven, Connecticut in June.
28. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.
DONE!
I won my seventh Moth GrandSLAM in May.
I9. Produce at least 25 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.
No episodes produced in June. A combination of factors has kept us off the air in May and June.
A total of 13 episodes so far in 2021. Still ahead of schedule.
Also, my assistant may be helping with the editing of the show, which could make the job much easier.
30. Perform stand-up at least 3 times in 2021.
No progress, but my friend, David, has a solid 5-10 minutes of material and is ready to give standup a shot. As soon as open mics are running again, we’ll be there, ready to perform.
31. Pitch at least three stories to This American Life.
No progress.
32. Pitch myself to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast at least three times.
One pitch made so far in 2021.
33. Produce at least 12 new videos for my YouTube channel in 2021.
No videos produced in June. One video so far in 2021. But I will be recording content for a new business that I am launching with a partner, so this may need to wait.
Also, my assistant will be digitizing content on DVD’s that can be uploaded soon.
34. Explore a means of producing my storytelling instruction asynchronously for an online platform.
DONE! Partners found. Contracts signed. We are on our way!
HOME35. Print, hang, and/or display at least 25 prints, photos, or portraits in our home.
This has very much become an Elysha job, so my job is to nag her about getting it done. I have so many incredible prints given to me by Elysha that remain sitting in a box.
Kind of killing me.
Elysha has secured the services of someone to assist with this job in June.
36. Assemble an emergency preparedness kit.
DONE! I purchased a pre-packaged survival kit and have since been added needed items, including a seed kit, survival straws, emergency blankets, N-95 masks, duct tape, and some personal items. I may continue to add to the kit as I learn about new options, but the kits are officially ready to go.
37. Clear the basement.
Several items removed every week in June along with trash pickup.
Incrementalism at work.
I also learned that I might be able to request a second trash bin from the town, which would help a lot.
FAMILY/FRIENDS38. Call brother or sister once per week.
No calls in June. No calls in 2021.
I am a terrible brother.
39. Take at least one photo of my children every day.
Done.
40. Take at least one photo with Elysha and myself each week.
Photos taken in two of the four weeks of June.
I’m really failing at this goal so far.
41. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.
No progress, but an online reunion feels quite doable now.
42. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2021 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.
Done. Piece of cake.
43. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2021.
DONE!
In June, I surprised Elysha with Springsteen on Broadway tickets for July. I also sent a cleverly designed card to her school, timed to arrive during the last week of classes. I also cleaned the litter boxes for her during her last week of school when things got busy.
I handled the litter boxes for years with our previous cats, so she agreed to do them when we adopted Tobi and Pluto.
Three surprises in June. A total of 7 so far in 2021.
In addition:
I surprised Elysha once in January by sending flowers to her while at work on her birthday. They were reportedly some of the best flowers she has ever received.
I surprised Elysha with a Pusheen knit hat in February. It was actually a replacement hat after the one I purchased for her birthday did not fit.
I sent Elysha some especially awesome flowers in May that caused her colleagues to comment repeatedly about the quality of the arrangement.
I surprised Elysha with weekend plans on Martha’s Vineyard for later this summer.
I also have three surprises hidden in the house for Elysha, just waiting for the right moments to be revealed.
44. Play poker at least six times in 2021.
Two games so far in 2021.
Two scheduled but cancelled games because of poor attendance.
45. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.
Bengi and I Dj’d a wedding in May.
One day spent in 2021 so far.
NEW PROJECTS46. Play music in class.
Done.
I wish I had played more, but we listened to several musicians during the 2020-2021 school year.
I will continue this in the fall with my new batch of students.
47. Learn to play the piano by practicing at least three times a week.
Done.
I averaged a little more than 3 days of practice per week in June.
48. Convert our wedding video to a transferable format.
I’m passing this assignment off to my new assistant. Perhaps she will have more luck than me.
49. Memorize 5 new poems.
I’ve memorized “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost. Admittedly I knew more than half of it before I began, and I will continue to need to reinforce it before I am sure that it’s committed to memory for good, but it’s essentially done.
I’m still working on “In Flanders Field” by John McCrae. For the fourth month. I nearly have it.
50. Write to at least 3 colleges about why they should hire me.
No progress.
51. Understand Instagram better.
No progress.
52. Complete my Eagle Scout project.
No progress.
53. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.
Done.
June 30, 2021
Smarter than dumb adults
Yesterday Charlie and I found ourselves driving behind a car with a message in the rear window that read, “Unmask our kids.”
Before I could say a word, Charlie – who is still unvaccinated because of his age – said, “Yeah, I’d like to be unmasked, too. But I listen to doctors and scientists and want to stay safe. I bet that person only listens to the dumbest people on the internet.”
“How do you know which are the smart ones on the internet and which are the dumb ones?” I asked.
“Dad,” Charlie said, sounding a little annoyed. “If 95 percent of the doctors and scientists are telling you one thing, and only 5 percent are telling you something else, who do you think you should believe?”
He may not have a driver’s license yet, but he seems to understand the world better than a lot of adults.
June 29, 2021
Am I just a Massachusetts guy living in Connecticut?
It’s been mentioned on a couple podcasts recently that folks from Massachusetts – and specifically the Boston area – possess a certain degree of edginess and readiness to fight. Perhaps an undercurrent of impatience and even rage.
“Maybe,” I thought after listening to these podcasts, “I’m not as confrontational as I thought. Maybe I’m just a guy who grew up in Massachusetts but is now living his life in Connecticut. Maybe I would fit like like a glove in Boston.”
There is some possible evidence to support this theory.
When I first came to Connecticut back in 1994, I was invited to play in a flag football game. At the end of the game, I was officially uninvited from all subsequent flag football games. When I asked why, I was told I played “too rough.”
I wanted to punch the guy in the head and show him what playing rough really looked like.
So maybe there is something to this Massachusetts-Connecticut thing. Maybe I’m just built for a different state.
So I asked Elysha about it. “Maybe I’m not as confrontational as I thought. Maybe I’m just misplaced.”
“No,” she said immediately. “It’s not that. You’re confrontational. You like confrontation.”
I suggested that she had perhaps answered my question a little too quickly and had not considered the possibility.
“No,” she said again, with authority. “Not one bit. It’s you. All you.”
I’m not sure if I was pleased to hear the certainty of her opinion, but I’ve always found it comforting to know that Elysha seems to know me as well as she does.
Or at least as well as she thinks she does…
June 28, 2021
Old school punishment
A few years ago, students, along with the help of a handy parent, built a set of foot stocks for our production of King Lear, complete with latch and padlock.
In the play, the Earl of Kent, disguised as a lowly messenger, is placed outside the Earl of Gloucester’s castle by Reagan and her husband, the Duke of Albany, in an effort to dishonor Lear.
The design and construction of these foot stocks are first rate. They actually work. Place your ankles in the semi-circular cuts in the bottom section of the stocks, lower the top piece, lock them up, and your feet – and you – are trapped until someone releases you.
Not that I’ve ever done this.
At least not in a long, long time.
Even so, the mere presence of these foot stocks in my classroom make my principal nervous. Even after I assured him that I wasn’t locking children up for punishment or amusement, he asked more than one of my students if I’d placed any of them in the foot stocks this year.
They said yes, of course. Just to mess with him.
All of this makes me feel he’s not going allow me to bring the more traditional set of stocks – like these – into the classroom, even though the kids – like Charlie – would think it’s hilarious.
Administrators can be so fussy.
June 27, 2021
Michigan morons go home and do what?
Remember when these morons and many more like them entered the Michigan state house last May, carrying guns in an attempt to intimidate legislators into lifting lockdown restrictions?
They look so proud of themselves. Don’t they?
Just imagine how fragile your ego and infantile your logic must be to think this is a good idea.
If you need to carry a gun and play dress up while everyone around you is entirely unarmed, you can’t be that tough. In fact, you’re probably a coward. Someone incapable of engaging with the democratic system to enact change.
The truth of the situation was this:
It doesn’t make you tough or brave or strong to legally carry a gun into a statehouse. It makes you a stupid little boy with a dangerous toy.
But the public servants who continued to work in the midst of these morons…
They were the tough ones. The brave ones. They were the heroes.
The Governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, who continued to serve her constituents after it was revealed that a different group of dangerous boys with dangerous toys had planned to kidnap her…
She was a hero.
What always fascinates me in situations like this is what happens after this moment. These little boys carry their guns into the building, choose a wall to stand against, puff out their chests, affix a mean stare on their faces, and make reasonable, righteous public servants feel uncomfortable and threatened.
But then what?
At some point, this cowardly protest must end. But how?
Does Idiot #3 turn to Idiot #4 and say, “What do you think? Time to go?”
Or does Idiot #5 get hungry and tell his fellow idiots that they should maybe wrap this up and get some burgers?
Does Idiot #1 need to pee, giving the other idiots a reason to leave?
Or does Idiot #2 need to get home because his babysitter needs to get to her tai chi lesson?
At some point these guys need to leave. Slink back to their home, where they put their big gun in its big gun place, and then what?
Watch a home improvement show on TLC? Maybe catch a rerun of Friends? Go back to their job selling paper at Staples? Boil some lentils for soup?
Does it feel strange to them that a couple days ago, they dressed up in needless, pointless camouflage, brought guns into a statehouse, and posed like they were appearing in some low budget apocalypse movie, but now they’re replacing the brake pads on a 2016 Toyota Corolla or driving their kid to school or scheduling a colonoscopy?
I hope so.
I think it felt pretty awful for the public servants in that statehouse to go about their business while men like this intruded on their work, dressed for hunting season in a building devoid of deer and carrying deadly weapons needlessly because they lacked the intellect, articulation, commitment, and decency to do things the right way.
The hard way.
They way the vast majority of Americans want things done.
June 26, 2021
Autographed photos. Three oranges. Rotten kids.
Back in March, I had 50 photos of myself printed. I brought them to school. My plan was to offer autographed photos of myself to my students, saying things like, “Given how much you adore me and how famous I am, an autographed photo of me is just about the best gift you could ever receive.”
It was going to be a glorious prank. I was going to annoy them for weeks with these photographs.
Then I offered my first signed photo to one of my students, along with a smarmy remark.
Her response:
“Wow. Can I have two?”
She didn’t say it sarcastically, but she didn’t say it enthusiastically, either. She split the middle perfectly, making me feel instantly stupid.
“Two?” I asked.
“I’d love one,” said another student.
“Me, too,” said another.
“Thanks a lot,” I said, “You ruined it. Do you know how much I was looking forward to this?”
“No no, no,” another said. “I’d really like one.” His words were sincere, but his smile said something else entirely. The whole damn class was smiling. Asking for a photo that they didn’t want.
I was so mad.
Pulling off a great prank is one thing. Defeating a prank so deftly is another.
For the rest of the year, students would occasionally ask if I’d reconsidered my decision about the autographed photos. “I’m still hoping to get one,” they would say. “I bet they’ll be worth a fortune someday.”
Rotten children.
I was also fond of stealing the children’s snacks and hiding them around the room. If a child had an orange, I would step outside and roll it down the sidewalk, trying to land it in the driveway.
One day a student had three oranges on her desk, with a word written on each.
Once again, by embracing the prank and asking for the prank, she ruined the prank.
I’m one week into my summer vacation, and I miss those kids so much already.
June 25, 2021
Celebrating progress
Great news.
Support for same-sex marriage in the United States has reached an all-time high of 70%, according to a poll released by Gallup last week.
The percentage — the highest since the organization began recording the trend in 1996 — marks a 10% increase since 2015, the same year the U.S. Supreme Court ruled all states must recognize same-sex marriages.
Also this week, Carl Nassib, defensive end for the Las Vegas Raiders, announced that he was gay, making him the first active NFL player to make such an announcement. Within 24 hours of his coming out, Nassib’s jersey had become the top-selling item across the league and the NFL had agreed to match Nassib’s $100,000 donation to The Trevor Project to support suicide prevention among LGBTQ youth.
The bigots of the world are slowly but surely being painted into a small, dark corner of the room, occupied primarily by ideological zealots, weak-minded fools, hate-filled monsters, and blind adherents to intolerant, religious doctrine.
Not exactly the best of company.
Never in my lifetime did I think 70% of Americans would approve of same-sex marriage.
I know it’s felt like we’ve taken a few steps back in recent years, so celebrating any and all progress is important.
We have a long way to go, but this is real progress.
June 23, 2021
A rebuke of my own
United States bishops have approved a “teaching document” that may rebuke President Biden and other Catholic politicians who support abortion rights.
The rebuke may deny Biden communion.
For the record: President Biden is personally opposed to abortion but does not believe that he should impose that personal belief on others.
In response to the Catholic Church’s rebuke, I’m preparing my own “teaching document” to rebuke Catholic bishops on a few issues, including:
The criminal perpetuation of decades of child molestation by priests and bishops of the Catholic ChurchThe hateful, immoral bigotry that targets members of the LGBTQ+ community based upon a buffet-style approach to The Bible that allows church leaders to choose which Biblical rules must be followed and which ones can be easily ignoredThe perpetuation of a sexist patriarchy within the church that prevents women from rising to the highest levels of powerI understand that the Catholic Church vehemently opposes abortion. If I believed that human life began at conception, I might, too.
Nevertheless, based on the Catholic Church’s recent history and current policies of bigotry and sexism, rebuking the President for his position on abortion sure seems like a glass house and stone situation to me.
Get your own damn house in order before throwing stones at others.
June 22, 2021
Three holes-in-one and a doctorate. Not a peep.
I have a friend who has been playing golf for about five years.
In that time, he has scored three holes-in-one. Not through blind luck, either. He’s already an excellent golfer.
Only one of my many other golfing friends has a hole-in-one as far as I know, and he played golf in college.
I had to find out about my friend’s first hole-in-one from someone else.
I had to find out about his second hole-in-one from someone else.
He told me about his third hole-in-one, but only after I complained about him already having two holes-in-one.
He said it to annoy me.
He’s also in possession of a doctorate degree which took more than a decade to find out about, both because he never told me and also does not use the title of Doctor.
If I ever scored a hole-in-one, I am quite certain that I would shout it from the rooftops of the world. I got two birdies in one round of golf the other day and considered alerting the local news stations. I would’ve rented out a billboard announcing my feat if Elysha had approved of the idea. If I had a giant space laser, I’d carve news of my accomplishment in the Moon.
If I had earned a doctorate, I certainly wouldn’t ask anyone to call me Dr. Dicks, but I’m not sure if I could spend a decade being someone’s friend without eventually mentioning it.
I think my friend may have come close to qualifying for the Olympics as a swimmer, too. I haven’t been able to nail him down on this.
This is all quite remarkable, particularly given the state of affairs today.
We once had a twice-impeached President who displayed fake Time magazine covers featuring himself in the clubhouses of his golf course. That same self-described sex offender repeatedly stated that he was once awarded Michigan’s Man of the Year, even though Michigan doesn’t have a Man of the Year award and he has never lived in Michigan. He also congratulated himself repeatedly for single-handedly defeating the coronavirus back in April of 2020. He lied about the size of his reality show audience, the ratings for his State of the Union addresses, and crowd sizes at his inauguration and rallies.
Worst of all, he reportedly cheats and lies on the golf course constantly. Many, many people have confirmed this. An entire book was written on the subject.
There’s nothing more impressive than an exceptionally impressive and accomplished human being living his life modestly and without fanfare. My friend, whose name I will not include because he wouldn’t want me to, is one of those people.
We need many more just like him.
