Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 117

Like a stone.

Sometimes simple, direct feedback is ideal.

One of the standards on my children’s swimming lesson report card is “Survival Float – 30 seconds.”

The feedback from the swim instructor on this particular standard:

“Sinks.”

Simple. Succinct. Hilarious.

Bad signage is bad business

One of my biggest pet peeves is sloppy, stupid signage. This happens when a business adds signage to the signage already provided by their corporate overlords.

I suspect that my feelings come from a decade spent managing McDonald’s restaurants. Whenever we needed a sign to indicate that a restroom was closed due to a plumbing issue or an especially coveted Happy Meal toy had sold out, my boss would insist that the sign look “professional and intentional,” and that standard rubbed off on me.

It makes sense. We’re either serious about our business or we’re not.

Do something well or don’t do it at all.

Aspire to excellence or stay home.

This gas station, for example, would’ve made my boss crazy. It makes me crazy. It makes me never want to return to this gas station ever again.

Perhaps an extreme reaction, but there are a lot of gas stations in the world. Lots of choice. This is exactly why gas stations should be looking to impress at all times.

The competition is oftentimes literally across the street.

This small, hastily written sign on a piece of receipt paper is not impressive.

It’s not hard to read more

Incrementalism is the understanding that small changes, repeated over time, will yield enormous results.

This graphic is an excellent example of the principle in action.

If you could simply transfer 30 minutes in a day, every day, to reading, you’ll have read an enormous number of books at the end of the year.

This could mean:

Watching 30 fewer minutes of television. Staring at social media for 30 fewer minutes every day. Reading while eating a meal. Listening to an audiobook during your commute or while exercising. Playing 30 fewer minutes of a video game or one of those idiotic games like Candy Crush every day.

Also, in case you’ve forgotten, reading is an excellent way to spend your time. We urge children to read more because we know it’s good for them and want to develop life long readers, but for some reason, so many adults either forget this advice or somehow become convinced that this advice only applies to kids.

It does not.

Science has shown us that reading:

Strengthens and expands the neural network in your brainImproves your ability to understand the feelings and beliefs of othersIncreases empathyBuilds your vocabularyPrevents cognitive decline in your later yearsLowers blood pressure, heart rate, and feelings of psychological distressLengthens lifespan

Reading also makes you a more informed, more interesting, and more entertaining person.

As I said in “Twenty-one Truths About Love:”

“Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party.”

In fact, maybe you should read “Twenty-one Truths About Love.” Borrow my brain for a while!

Or maybe read one of my nonfiction titles, “Someday Is Today” or “Storyworthy.”

Or take a deep dive into my early works, “Something Missing” or “Unexpectedly, Milo.” Or start with my internationally bestselling novel, “Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend.”

If you’re looking for a female-centric cast, how about “The Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs?”

Or my latest novel. “The Other Mother.”

Reading is a genuinely important, highly beneficial activity that we should all being doing, and most of us should probably be doing more. If we approach reading from the lens of incrementalism, you can change one small thing and truly produce long lasting, life changing results.

I’ll also note that choosing to purchase and read one (or all) of my books is just as beneficial as reading any other book.

A little self serving on my part, but just as beneficial for you.

Staring back at me from my socks

I played golf last week with a friend and brought a little bit of my former students along for comfort and support.

One of my students (whose mother has given me permission to post this photo) gave me a gift on every day of Teacher Appreciation Week. This, of course, is never, ever necessary, but one of those gifts was a pair of socks decorated with her face in hopes that I would “never, ever” forget her.

Hazel needn’t give me socks to ensure that I would never forget her, but they have been a joyous gift indeed. Wearing them to play golf both made my friend laugh repeatedly throughout the round, but they also made me feel good every time I topped or duffed or chunked or shanked a shot.

The result of the shot was still terrible, but having Hazel stare back at me from my ankles made me feel a lot better.

A much needed reminder in that moment that I was still good at something.

The other gift that I carried with me during that round of golf – which I always carry with me – is another Teacher Appreciation gift from last year. As I tell my students every year, the only gift I ever want from them is to “Work hard and be kind,” but if they must give me something, a clever, homemade gift is always appreciated.

Over the years, students have given me extraordinary homemade gifts. A cage for my poorly behaved students, constructed from twine and wooden hoops, and hung from my ceiling. Lego recreations of famous Shakespearean scenes. A homemade but surprisingly effective hatchet. Ceramic bowls with amusing and insulting messages written inside. Letters, cards, poems, and art that I will treasure forever.

Last year, four of my students came Christmas caroling at my home. It was an amazing and hilarious surprise.

This student, as you can see in the photo, took an Apples to Apples game card for the word “brilliant” and added my name to the list of synonyms.

And yes, I wish she had capitalized my last name, but somehow forgetting to capitalize the name seems even more fitting.

I keep it in my wallet as a reminder on on those challenging days that I’m not nearly as stupid as I sometimes feel.

Hazel and another one of my former students also attended my book launch party last week, which was also a remarkable gift to me.

Knowing that I am still remembered by my former students might be the best gift of all.

Resolution update: July 2022

Every month I report the progress of my yearly goals in order to monitor progress (or the lack thereof) and hold myself accountable.  The following are the result from July 2022.PERSONAL FITNESS

1. Don’t die.

Survived a terrible lightning storm alongside The Intrepid and a harrowing taxi ride across Manhattan. Avoided catching monkey pox and my children’s lingering colds. Huzzah.

2. Lose 20 pounds.

I lost no pounds in July. I’ve lost a whopping four pounds in 2022.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 3 one-minute planks for five days a week.

Done, which wasn’t easy given we spent four days in New York City. Doing push ups, sit ups, and planks in the hotel’s business center in the early morning hours was awkward.

4. Cycle for at least 5 days every week.

I failed to achieve this goal for the one week in July while on vacation. Otherwise rode almost every day and multiple times on many days.

5. Establish my golfing handicap, then lower that handicap by at least 2. 

Handicap established at the beginning of the year was a whopping 35.4.

Handicap is up from a 20.8 to 23.4 after I began taking lessons, which will help me play better in the long run but are not assisting me in the now.

Still much lower than my handicap at the beginning of year.

WRITING CAREER

6. Complete my seventh novel.

“Someday is Today” is in bookstores now. Have you purchased your copy yet? Downloaded your audiobook?

I’m well on my way to finishing the revision of my middle grade novel.  I’ve also started working on my next adult novel in earnest.

I’ve also partnered with a friend on a new book.

Between the middle grade novel and the new adult novel, one should be completed by the end of the year, I hope.

7. Prepare “Storyworthy 2” or update “Storyworthy” or both for potential sale. 

DONE! The follow up to “Storyworthy” – “You Are Storyworthy” – won’t be my next nonfiction title, even though it’s written. I’ll be writing a different storytelling book first for strategic reasons. Still, the book is done and will be published eventually.

8. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist, and one protagonist who is not neurotypical.

I’m in the middle of a new picture book entitled “Hug a Fish.” It features a female, non-white protagonist.

I’m also working on a partially written manuscript from 2021 entitled “Who Put the Baby in a Tree?”

After some discussion with my agent, I have two other picture books to write. I’m almost finished one.

9. Complete a memoir.

I have two memoirs in progress:

One about the two year period when I was arrested, jailed, and tried for a crime I did not commit, which also led to homelessness then a pantry off a kitchen that I shared with a goat. I was also the victim of a horrific robbery at that time that left me with a lifetime of PTSD amongst other awfulness.

Also participation in an underground arm wrestling and gambling ring.

The second is about the two year period in which a lowly band of anonymous cowards attempted to destroy my teaching career.

My agent and I have decided that I’ll pursue the second one first. The recent attacks on education, combined with the rise of cancel culture, makes it unfortunately timely and likely of interest to publishers.

10. Write a new screenplay.

I spoke to my writing partner, who has been derailed from our project by several other projects. We hope to resume writing soon.

11. Write a solo show.

I’m working on a solo show based upon my arrest and trial for a crime I didn’t commit, but I have another idea:

List all the things I’ve ever stolen on a chalkboard and then tell a story about each one.  Cleverly construct a narrative that encompasses all the stories.

12. Write a musical.

Outline received from my writing partner, Kaia. We plan to work on the project this summer, using the memoir pages to inform the work.

13. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

DONE!

One essay submitted to the New York Times in July for consideration. Rejected.

Six essays submitted so far to the New York Times in 2022.

14. Write at least four letters to my father.

First letter started. Little progress.

15. Write 100 letters in 2022.

DONE! A total of 20 letters written in July, including letters to former students, the actor playing Elphaba in Wicked on Broadway, my therapist, my neighbor, my children, and a friend.

A total of 107 letters written in 2022 so far.

16. Convert 365 Days of Elysha into a book.

I’ve passed this project onto my production manager, but she’s busy with other things at the moment.

17. Read at least 12 books. 

DONE! I’ve read 17 books in 2022 so far.

I read the following books in July:

“I’ll Show Myself Out” by Jessi Klein
“How to Tell a Story” by The Moth
“The Lightning Thief” by Rick Riordan
“Adventures in the Screen Trade” by William Goldman
“The World’s Worst Assistant” by Sona Movsesian

I’m currently reading six books:

“Telephone” by Percival Everett
“Think Like a Monk” by Jay Shetty
“Index: A History Of The” by Dennis Duncan
“The Areas of My Expertise” by John Hodgman
“The Groucho Letters”
I may abandon one or more of these books because I am not enjoying them.

My list of completed books now includes:

“The World’s Worst Assistant”
“Adventures in the Screen Trade”
“I’ll Show Myself Out”
“How to Tell a Story”
“The Lightning Thief”
“Contagious”
“In the Great Green Room: The Brilliant and Bold Life of Margaret Wise Brown”
“It’s So Easy”
“Poetics”
“The Office BFFs”
“Making Numbers Count”
“The Passion Economy”
“Empire of Pain”
“The Anthropocene Reviewed”
“Liar’s Poker”
“Matrix”
“Coreyography”

18. Write to at least six authors about a book that I especially like. 

Letters written to Stephen King and Michael Lewis in April.

Two letters so far.

STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER

19. Complete the recordings for my new business for at least two target consumers. 

Recording for the first set of target consumers (corporate folk) is done. I’ll ultimately need to re-record everything because I can see all the places for improvement, but for now, it’s done and is very good.

Just not excellent yet.

Once we launch, I will begin recording videos for our next target customer. This is unlikely to happen in 2022 given all the work we have ahead of us.

Also, my new basement office and recording studio is complete. We need to add some sound panels to reduce the echo, upgrade the microphone and camera set ups, and add some things to the walls, but it’s functional.

20. Engage with LinkedIn at least once per week.

Success! I received a ton of direct messages in July and responded to each of them. I also posted original content onto LinkedIn twice.

21. Produce a total of 6 Speak Up storytelling events.

Five shows produced so far in 2022.

We produced a virtual show in collaboration with my school on March 19.

We produced a live, outdoor show in partnership with the Hill-stead Museum on on July 13.

I produced two live storytelling shows at The Mount on July 16 and 17.

We produced my book launch event – including storytelling – on July 30.

We’ll be producing a charity storytelling event for Wolcott School on September 17.

We’ll be producing “Red Talks: Presented by Confessions of a Mensturator” on October 8.

I’ll also be producing a show in conjunction with a storytelling weekend workshop at Copper Beech Institute on October 28-30.

Our annual Voices of Hope show is scheduled for November 6.

22. Pitch myself to at least 3 upcoming TEDx events with the hopes of being accepted by one.

Done!

I pitched to a total of five TEDx conferences back in April.

One has passed on my pitch. Awaiting  word from the other four.

I also spoke at TEDxCornell in April. Video will be available soon.

I’ve also helped three clients get accepted to TEDx conference this year.

23. Attend at least 6 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

DONE! I attended one Moth StorySLAM in July.

Eleven Moth events so far in 2022.

24. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.

DONE! TWICE!

I won a StorySLAM in New York in February.

I won a StorySLAM in Boston in June.

25. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

DONE! TWICE!

I won Boston’s Moth GrandSLAM at The Wilbur on April 26.

I won New York City’s Moth GrandSLAM at The Music Hall of Williamsburg on May 16.

It was my eighth and ninth GrandSLAM championships.

26. Produce at least 12 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.

Recording was going to commence in February and March. The recording of the audiobook of “Someday Is Today” instead replaced our podcasting time for a while.

Recording was going to commence in April and then in May and then in June and then July, but recording for other things filled that time.

August. We’ll record in August.

27. Convert my YouTube channel into an actual channel. 

Progress! My production manager has begun to structure and re-design the channel, and I’ve been accumulating content for release. I’ve also been curating the content, removing material that is no longer relevant.

I’ll begin posting new stories in August. When this happens, I’ll consider the job complete.

28. Perform stand-up at least 3 times in 2022.

I have a list of open mics that are currently running in Connecticut. More than enough to resume.

I’ll try to find the courage to get back on the stand up stage.

29. Pitch a story to This American Life.

DONE! I pitched one story to This American Life in April.

30. Pitch myself to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast at least three times.

Two pitches made so far in 2022.

No response.

31. Send a newsletter to readers at least 25 times (every other week). 

Two newsletters sent in July. A total of 17 sent so far in 2022. Ahead of schedule.

HOME

32. Clear the basement.

Enormous progress made, but some backsliding had happened with the completion of the recording studio. My contractor removed many, many things from the basement before launching into his work, but in the process, he also moved a bunch of things to another room and left them understandably disorganized and messy.

Another minor clean up is needed.

33. Organize the children’s books.

DONE!

Books have been removed from the kids’ bedrooms and remain divided into three bins:

Keep in rotation for kids/students (now been returned to shelves).Store for future grandchildren (now stored in the basement)Give away to those in need (now donated).FAMILY/FRIENDS

34. Text or call brother or sister once per month. 

Done.

35. Take at least one photo of my children every day.

Done.

36. Take at least one photo with Elysha and myself each week.

Done! Thanks to vacation, a visit from a friend, and a tiny effort on my part, this goal was accomplished in July.

37. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

A date has been chosen for August, but because of vacations, I will be rescheduling for the fall.

38. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2022 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.

Done. Easy-peasy. More than two dozen people have also begun adhering to this goal in 2022 alone.

 39. Compliment one person every day on a topic unrelated to physical appearance. 

This turns out to be easier than I thought, at least as long as I’m teaching. I constantly give my students positive feedback, and I compliment my own children and Elysha quite a bit.

In addition to complimenting my students and family, I also complimented many, many clients, lots of friends on the golf course, many storytellers at Moth events, my neighbor, a McDonald’s employee, an employee at the Harry Potter, our tour guide to Liberty Island, and several people at my book event.

I nearly missed one day in July but squeezed in a compliment for Clara just before bed. First time I hadn’t complimented someone at some point throughout the day without even thinking about it.

40. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2022.

DONE!

One surprise in July:

For our anniversary…

A signed first edition of “From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler” by E.L. Konigsburg. One of Elysha’s favorite books.

Surprises in 2022 also include:

A well timed Starbucks caramel macchiatoPusheen Club box, filled with an assortment of movie-themed Pusheen gifts.A complete set of Smith College chinaA card on her dashboard following a less than ideal April vacation.A surprise visit to her classroom on an especially challenging day to bring her a cupcake.A card mailed to her school with thoughts of encouragement and love, written by “The Universe.”A planned weekend getaway (later this summer) for her and a friend to Water’s Edge, a resort and spa on the coast of Connecticut.Flowers on Mexican Mother’s DayPusheen Club box, featuring garden-themed Pusheen gifts.A signed first edition of “From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler” by E.L. Konigsburg

That’s ten surprises so far in 2022.

41. Play poker at least six times in 2022.

Two games in total in 2022. Two games scheduled for July that were cancelled for lack of players. Damn vacations.

42. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.

Two days spent together in July. Planning a new project together.

Four days spent together so far in 2022.

NEW PROJECTS

43. Create an emergency preparedness kit for each car.

Done! Emergency preparedness kits purchased. I’ve also added several necessary items to each.

44. Memorize the lyrics to at least 5 favorite songs.

I’ve officially learned the words to “Fat Bottomed Girls, “Come On Eileen,” and “Mr. Blue Sky.”

I’m not working on “Come a Little Closer” by Jay and the Americans.

45. Learn to play the piano by practicing at least three times a week. 

Done.

46. Convert our wedding video to a transferable format.

Another task passed off to my production manager, who has been working on it. A lot trickier than expected.

47. Memorize 5 new poems.

Still working on “I’m Nobody! Who Are You?” by Emily Dickinson. I’m foolishly failing this goal.

I also made a list of poems that I’ve committed to memory, to ensure they remain committed to memory through occasional practice.

48. Write to at least 3 colleges about why they should hire me.

No progress.

49. Understand Instagram better.

Progress! My intern and I had a conversation, where she taught me about Instagram Stories and Reels. Huzzah!

I suspect that there is more to know, but who better to teach me than a high school senior?

50. Complete my Eagle Scout project.

I started plotting the completion of this task in February. I’m considering moving the project from Blackstone, MA to something more local, but I’m still working on it.

A recent blog post on this subject garnered me many willing volunteers.

51. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.

Done.

Ghosting is the act of a coward

Elysha Dicks and I have experienced a recent spate of ghosting.

Looking for childcare for the fall, we interviewed several candidates. Some of them seemed quite lovely. A few asked to check their schedules based upon our needs before furthering our conversation.

Two of them simply never called or texted back. After spending time in coffee shops, chatting about possible employment, they vanished. Follow up calls and texts were ignored. Seemingly good and decent people who could’ve simply texted to say that their schedules didn’t align or a better opportunity came along or they had just won the lottery chose instead to ghost us.

We eventually found a wonderful person to help us care for our children in the fall, but being ghosted repeatedly didn’t make the process easy.

And it’s not only us.

A friend of mine was recently ghosted after dating someone for almost two months. Another has been ghosted more times than he can count. One of my clients is ghosted by job candidates in the midst of the interviewing process regularly.

It happens all the damn time.

I’m going on the record as saying that ghosting is a cowardly, indecent, disgraceful, and stupid response to any situation that doesn’t involve abuse of some kind. It’s become quite popular in recent years, but it’s still an awful, inhumane, and yes, I’ll say it again, a cowardly way to respond to an awkward, difficult, and sometimes not-so-difficult-at-all situation. It’s lazy, disrespectful, and craven. It’s immature and oftentimes cruel. It’s selfish and self-serving.

It’s childish. The act of a small, pathetic person.

There are two kinds of people in this world:

People who call, text, email, or tell someone face-to-face that a romantic, personal, or business relationship must end.People who suck.

If your preferred method for ending a relationship of any kind is ghosting, or even if you’ve occasionally used ghosting in the past, don’t think of this as an attack on your moral character.

Think it it more like an invitation to enter the world of responsible, respectful adulthood.

What is our next Ellis Island?

While visiting Ellis Island earlier this week, I couldn’t help but wonder:

What will be our future Ellis Island?

What building or institution is functioning and necessary today but will someday be historically relevant but no longer needed or in use?

Elysha’s instantaneous answer:

The Supreme Court

I certainly see her point. Confidence in the Supreme Court is at a historic low, and recent cracks in the system, including the Republican shell game that stole a Court appointment from President Obama, the leaked ruling on abortion rights, and Clarence Thomas’s failure to recuse himself from a case that his insurrectionist, and conspiracy mongering spouse probably played a role have all weakened the Court considerably.

Still, I hope she’s incorrect. If the Supreme Court no longer exists, that means that the Constitution has ceased to remain viable, too.

So if not The Supreme Court, then what? What will be our next Ellis Island?

 

I piloted a small plane for the first time

I took my first flying lesson last week. My instructor, who we discovered once we were airborne live within shouting distance of each other, took me up in a single engine plane, handed me the controls, and told me where to fly. We spent about an hour tracing the Connecticut River from Hartford down to Middletown and back at an altitude of about 3000 feet.

I’ve been learning a great deal about aviation over the last two years. It began with the simple desire to determine if the the plane crash in “Cast Away” was realistic. I found a commercial pilot who had made a video dealing with this exact issue on his YouTube channel. I found it interesting and decided to see what other films he had broken down.

I also noticed that he analyzed less than perfect landings, air traffic controller mishaps, and more. I liked him, and I liked the content, so I subscribed to the channel and started watching. This led to further research into airplane construction, the science of aviation, aviation history, and much more.

I wasn’t doing any of this with the intention of ever flying a plane. I was simply following my curiosity.

Two years alter, Elysha gave me last week’s flying lesson as a gift.

A couple interesting things about my first lesson:

The pilot and instructor was 21 years old and had only been flying for two years. His goal is to fly larger, commercial planes someday, but the airlines have age restrictions and require a certain number of flight hours that prevent him from applying yet.

But in less than two years, he was flying on his own. He has four regular students, takes people on tours of Connecticut, and conducts lots of introductory lessons like the one he did with me.

If you want to learn to fly, it apparently doesn’t take long.

The plane was surprisingly small, old, and less substantial than I had imagined. I felt like we were riding in a flying Volkswagen Beetle. It was built in 1976 and did not have GPS onboard, meaning you needed to be able to eyeball your way everywhere. The doors opened with a simple latch and could be opened easily mid flight, and wind buffeted the plane in ways I did not imagine.

After flying commercial airliners for years, I never understood how little they have in common with single engine planes beyond their wings.

Despite all of this this, the plane wants to fly. The science of flight is real. Air under the wings lifts the plane into the sky, and you need to make a lot of mistakes to screw that up. I was nervous when I took the yoke and began flying the plane myself, but within a minute or two, all of my nervousness had melted away and I felt great.

I understood immediately why people love to fly.

Having watched enough YouTube videos, I was also keenly aware that in a single engine plane, there is no room for mechanical failure. If that engine stops working, you can’t remain in the sky anymore. Commercial airliners can easily continue to fly with just one engine, so unless both engines are somehow disabled (which is what happened during Captain Sullenberger’s landing on the Hudson), the loss of a single engine isn’t a problem.

Not so when you only have one engine.

If there is no airport nearby, that may make for a dangerous situation. But I also knew that if an engine dies, planes don’t simply drop from the sky. Unlike a helicopter, which plummets to the Earth as soon as its engine fails, the pilot of a plane can trade altitude for speed for a long time and keep the plane aloft until a safe place can be found to land the plane.

With a single engine plane, a large field or a road will often do the job.

It’s not ideal, and it’s not without danger, but you have a reasonable chance of walking away from an emergency landing unharmed.

Happily, none of these thoughts entered my mind while flying. It was a joyous experience, and though learning to fly appeals to me, the time required puts it near the bottom of my list at this point.

As much as I might enjoy it, there are other things I enjoy more right now.

But if you have the desire and the opportunity, I can’t recommend it enough. Even if it’s something you’ve never considered doing, perhaps consider it. Small airports across the country have companies that offer these introductory lessons, and it’s surprisingly affordable and decidedly unforgettable.

Comics

Here’s the thing about the recent rise in attempts to ban books from public libraries and schools:

In all likelihood, it’s temporary and fleeting.

Every time some conservative know-nothing, pandering politician, or religious zealot attempts to shackle intellectual, personal, or artistic freedom, it ultimately fails.

Society progresses. sometimes in fits and starts, and not without the occasional backsliding, but ultimately, we move forward, leaving old notions of tradition and expectation behind in favor of greater freedom of expression and will.

One of the best examples is comics, which suffered from widespread censorship in 1954 by the US government after prudish, moral crusaders took their case to Congress. Those laws decapitated the comic book industry and put many publishers out of business almost overnight.

Yet comic books persisted.

Last year the total market for North American comic book sales on both print and digital download hit $2.075 billion, which represents a high water mark for the industry. Films and television shows based upon comic books dominate the entertainment landscape.

No one is complaining.

If those moral crusaders of the 1950’s were transported to 2022, they would be appalled to discover that comic books are alive, well, and considered acceptable, popular mainstream content.

We would laugh at those moral crusaders for their naiveté, prudishness, and old fashioned sensibilities.

I suspect that the same will hold true for the recent spate of book banning. Years from now, these books will seem utterly innocuous. We’ll scoff in disbelief at the notion that these books were banned by some communities, and their opponents will look as stupid as the lawmakers and zealots who attempted to ban comics 70 years ago.

It doesn’t mean it’s not wrong. It doesn’t mean that it’s not doing damage to the readers who should have access to these books and the authors who wrote them.

But it’s blessedly temporary. An unfortunate but hardly permanent moment in time.

Like the comic book bans of the 1950’s and the moral outrage over bands like The Rolling Stones and laws against interracial and same sex marriage, this, too, shall pass.

 

The long game

I teach my students many important things in the course of a school year:

Effective sentence structure. Shakespearean tragedies. The Oxford comma. Puberty. Long division.

I also teach them more important things like:

If you try to get tagged in a game of tag, no one likes you.

Licking the cheese dust out of the inside of a Doritos bag is a good way to lose friends.

If you’re not early, you’re late.

Always keep an extra pair of socks in your bag because the world is filled with unexpected puddles.

Yes, you can always vote for yourself. Don’t ever ask that question again.

I also teach them the importance of the long game when it comes to pranks. The longer, the better. I’m currently in the midst of a prank almost 15 years in the making. When it finally pays off, it’s going to be amazing.

I recently learned about one of the most impressive long game pranks in all of history. I can’t wait to tell next year’s class of students about this prank.

In summary:

In 1956, during the filming of “The Swan” in North Carolina, Alec Guinness was presented with a tomahawk by a local Native American tribe. Enjoying a good prank, Guinness tipped the porter at co-stars Grace Kelly’s hotel to slip the tomahawk into her bed.

Kelly said nothing.

Years passed. Grace Kelly left acting to marry the Prince of Monaco. Then, one night in London, Guinness returned home to find the same tomahawk between the sheets of his own bed.

Nobody, including his wife, had any idea how it got there.

A few more years passed. Then, while Kelly was touring the United States, performing a series of poetry readings with actor John Westbrook, Guinness sent the tomahawk to Westbrook, who once again managed to place it in Grace Kelly’s bed.

In 1980, the tomahawk reappeared again, this time in Guinness’ bed at California’s Beverly Wilshire Hotel after he received an honorary Oscar at the Academy Awards ceremony. Kelly didn’t attend the ceremony, so how the tomahawk found its way back to him remains a mystery.

A year later, Kelly traveled to Chichester, England to give a reading with Westbrook once more. This time the tomahawk found its way into Kelly’s open suitcase, buried within her lingerie.

Westbrook reported hearing a very loud, very satisfying scream from Kelly.

Grace Kelly returned to Monaco with the tomahawk but died in a car accident on September 14, 1982, thus bringing an end to their 25 year old prank.

Best part about the prank:

Neither Alec Guinness nor Grace Kelly ever acknowledged the prank to the other. Not a word was ever spoken between the two of them about the tomahawk. Though they remained friendly for the rest of their lives, the prank was never a topic of discussion.

It wasn’t until after Kelly’s death that Alec Guinness told the story.

Brilliant.

Alec Guinness starred in great films like The Bridge On The River Kwai, Lawrence of Arabia, Doctor Zhivago, and Star Wars.

Grace Kelly starred in classics like Rear Window, Dial M for Murder, High Noon, and To Catch a Thief.

I think their perfectly executed, quarter century prank was just as impressive.

We could all learn a lot from Grace Kelly and Alec Guinness.