Renee Miller's Blog, page 33

Hate Me. I Can Take It. Just Don't Ask Me About NaNo EVER Again.

National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo) is approaching. How do I know? It's ALL I've heard about since the first of October. From "Oh, I have to get ready for NaNo" to "Are you doing it? Are you doing NaNo? Why don't you try it? It's so long till NaNo. OMG, I want to start right now. But I can't. I mustn't! NaNo NaNo NaNo NaNo NaNo…"

Perhaps I exaggerate a little, but this is what my brain hears as soon as the NaNo insanity begins. I've never understood why grown people get so damn excited about this. I mean, if you're a grownup who has chosen to write "seriously" and try to publish your work, aren't you focused on your writing during the other months too? Why wait for November to begin a novel? How does this pressure to reach that word count goal affect your home life, your work life? Does your family hate you at least once each year?

 Will I be participating? No. Will I ever? No. Why? The answer is simple: If I want to write 50K words in a month, I'll do so. Any month. I have done it before and I'm sure I will again if my brain feels so inclined but NOT by intentionally putting myself in the position that if I don't do it, I've failed at…what? Being a writer? Because word count is obviously the most important thing when writing professionally right? Of course.

I've gotten ahead of myself. Let's begin at NaNoWriMo the definition, and work our way back to my tirade, shall we?

Let me backtrack by saying the NaNoWriMo program does really awesome things for some people. First, the young writers program teaches our youth "perseverance, and radically alters their relationships with writing and literature." according to the NaNoWriMo website. Anything that gets kids interested in their own creativity is awesome. Yes. However, I wonder at the youngsters who don't reach the target word count or that wind up with a wonderfully awful hunk of story at the end? It's meant to encourage self-esteem, but I think there is the potential for utter devastation. I know that the "environment" is designed to be a back-patting encouraging sort of thing, but some kids are sensitive. The intensity that NaNo brings with it is going to affect some  kids negatively if they can't do it. No amount of back-patting is going to put those crushed dreams back together. What if a child who is destined to be a truly great writer gives up before she's given it a good chance? NaNo is not that good chance and this should be clear to these kids. Finishing or not finishing doesn't make one kid more of a writer than another. Rather than a target word count, why not use this event to teach them the process of writing and how each writer works a different way? The goal tracking, progress charts, and such set my irritable bone on edge. It is NOT what they should be taught about writing, but sadly it is what most of them learn if their comments in discussion groups is anything to go by.

NaNoWriMo which is run by OLL (Office of Letters and Light) is described on the official website as a "fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing." The goal is to write 50,000 words during the month of November in an event that focuses on "valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft" and is targeted at "everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved."

If you're scared by time and effort then a writer you will never be. Writing is all about time and effort. Lots of both.

Well, I don't really want to work at writing a novel. So why don't I just take 30 days each year to churn out some stinky word vomit instead?

That made absolutely no sense to me. But then I read a little further…"the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. This approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly."

And then there was this: "You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down."

Okay, so in that little bit is a gem. I mean it. I like the last paragraph. We do need to give ourselves permission to make errors in the rough draft. That first draft should be a great rambling mess.

However, I fear what is focused on by many participants is the whole "it's all about quantity, not quality." I can't tell you how many times I want to thump "writers" who obsess over word count. I mean really thump them. I want to thump them so hard with a big heavy object so they're unconscious and bleeding on the ground and not typing a single fucking word.

I used to be one of those writers, so it's not like I don't understand the sense of accomplishment you feel when you meet a target. But I also know that focusing on your output crushes your self-esteem and the natural process as well. It's not how much you write every day; it's THAT you write every day. By writing I don't just mean churning out new words, I mean editing, writing queries, outlines and synopses; working on your craft in whatever way needs doing at that time. Hammering out words is not important. NaNoWriMo has played a large role in this "word count" obsession. Perhaps that wasn't the intention, but I'm telling you, it's what many, if not most, writers take away from it.

"Must write this many words today no matter what I have to sacrifice to do so."

Erm…no. You must work at your craft. But if your kids want to go to the park, the words aren't important. If you have a million things to do around the house, the words aren't important. If you have to work at 5am in order to pay the bills, the words aren't so important you should stay up until 2am to get them done. Doing this will burn you out. Believe me, I know. Quantity should never come before quality in fiction writing. Never.

That mentality, folks is why agents and publishers either hide away, or drink copious amounts of hard liquor from December through…oh, about June. Not because all of what is written during NaNo is crap, but because as soon as the thousands of participants finish their novels at the end of November, many feel these novels are worthy of submission. Agents and publishers are buried under these manuscripts which, no matter how kickass a writer you are, cannot possibly be close to publishable. The submission process for those of us who took the time to polish our work becomes a pit of hopelessness. Not that it isn't usually a pit of hopelessness…it's just a deeper, darker pit with lots of crap on top.

Worse than the crap-submitters are the "winners" of NaNo who promptly log on to Smashwords, Lulu, Createspace or whatever platform they prefer and self-publish said novel. Yikes.

Of course these people are proud of their accomplishment and eager to be considered a real writer. I mean the site says participating in NaNoWriMo makes it possible "To stop being one of those people who say, "I've always wanted to write a novel," and become one of those people who can say, "Oh, a novel? It's such a funny story–I've written three."

No, you haven't written three novels. You've written three drafts. Now, become a real writer by rewriting.

I was all for the "spirit" of NaNoWriMo, even tempted to participate at one point, until I read over the site and now, it makes the serious writer in me, the one that busts her as every day of the year to become the best writer she can be, cringe. Why? Because writing IS about quality. It is NOT about churning out the most words. It's about churning out the BEST words. It's about writing a book that is worth reading and worth publishing. A writer isn't simply someone who can hammer out 50K words of awfulness. My seven-year-old can do that. A writer is someone who can hammer out the story and then wants to edit the shit out of it so it's perfect.

I am not against NaNoWriMo, although most of this rant certainly feels like an anti-NaNo rant. I'm saying that those participating need to do so with the understanding that this process does not make you a writer. It is a launching point. It can kick-start a sleepy muse, or get a new writer over that all-important first novel hump and onto bigger and better later on, or it can get young people passionate about creating more than LOL's and emoticons with their keyboards. If everyone would realize that, or if the site stated the reality rather than a bunch of hype so that participants could understand this from the beginning, it might be enough to justify the annoyance I must endure every October through December. (no, you guys don't shut up about it until at least the New Year)

Perspective: Here's something to chew on. In 2010 OLL reports over 200,000 participants in NaNoWriMo. Out of that huge number, only about 30,000 "won", completing the 50K word goal. That's not even half. Get it? Even if you can write, achieving that many words in that short span of time is really hard if you're not really into writing...or have a life. And all you get is a badge for your website. I mean…pffft.

But at least NaNo takes a reasonable amount of time to complete a novel. The 3-Day Novel Contest is another story. "Entrants pre-register and then grit their teeth, lock their doors and try to produce a literary masterwork in 72 short hours." A literary masterwork in 72 hours? I just puked in my mouth at the thought. And the winning novel is published…

And with this one you pay a fee to participate in this insanity.

No, I won't even begin to describe how this makes me feel. Besides, I've ranted enough for one day.

So, if you're participating in NaNoWriMo this year, good for you. I wish you luck. I also want to ask a couple of favors.

Could you not start threads in discussion groups that have nothing to do with NaNoWriMo? As a moderator of a couple of these groups, I have to say, by about mid-November, I lose the ability to be polite about deleting these threads. I mean, you guys have a whole site and all to do these things, so keep it over there. Could you also try to avoid clogging up social media feeds with hourly updates? I'm not saying not to update your progress, but once every 24 hours is plenty. Seriously.

And when you finish, if you "win", could we all promise that what you've written doesn't see so much as a beta reader until you've edited and rewritten at least twice…preferably three times? Thanks. The rest of the writing world appreciates it.

Profanity, And The Assholes Who Use It

Fuck. Shit. Asshole. Bitch. Bastard. Jesus. Damn. Hell.

There will be profanity in this post. Those of you offended, take your wimpy ass to another blog.

For those of you that know me well, it's no secret I'm not afraid of profanity. In fact, I embrace it. I'm giddy when I learn new ways to curse, swear, or whatever you want to call it and sometimes, I make up my own, combining words, both offensive and inoffensive to stock up my arsenal.

Why? Perhaps because my father, a good and loving parent, knew nearly every nasty word in the book and tossed them out freely. Oh, we knew not to repeat them. If we did, we got "The Battery" and that was enough of a deterrent for my sore tongue.

But in my childhood home, the swear words that got us in the most hot water were not your more common profanities. My mother would let a goddamn and a shit pass without comment now and then, but utter the words goof, stupid, retard, dink, idiot, dumb or that horrific c-word (hint: rhymes with "hunt") and you'd get such a talking to…and then you had to lick the battery. I got away with calling my brother an asshole, but call him a butt-muncher or a dink, and man, did I get a blast of hell.

My mother believed, as do I, it's not so much the word that you use, but how you use it. Those words were meant to belittle someone, to make them feel "not good enough" and that was unacceptable for her children to do. We could get into the why's of that, but really, you don't want to be here all day (or night), so we won't. The awfulness of these words were so hammered into my psyche, that to this day I flinch if I hear them. I rarely use them myself, even when I'm really pissed. The c-word? Can't even type it. See how our "training" works? I use a lot of profanity daily, and yet, my kids aren't out there cursing their little heads off. Training. I took the time to explain why these words were unacceptable for them to say and didn't make a big deal of it when they did use them. Take the taboo away, and it's not so tempting. Do they swear when I'm not around? You show me a kid that doesn't at some point.

When I got to an age that the battery no longer bothered me, possibly because I had no nerve endings left in my tongue, and the amusement of it had faded for my dad, I let loose with all the profanity I could muster. Oh, the words I used could make a trucker, sailor, and a construction worker blush. They did actually. But only rarely did I ever use these words to hurt someone. I won't say I didn't ever use them in an insulting or derogatory way. I'm no angel. I mean, you load a 16 year old up with the proper weaponry to shut that snotty little bitch that thinks she's better than everyone up, she's going to use it. But I had to be pretty angry to do so.

The truth is I love our language. Period. I love every bit of it, including the profanities. I learn a new word, and I use the shit out of it, even if it's not obscene. I just enjoy words.

When I became "serious" about writing, as in willing to work my ass off in order to publish my work, I realized that not everyone appreciated the colorful language I so loved. Some people actually became quite angry that I felt I 'needed' to use such horrible language. To them I say: Suck it up. Bunch of whiny jerks. I'm not the first to love profanity and I certainly won't be the last. Words such as these are only as powerful as taboo makes them because essentially, fuck is a word just as window or dog is a word. The difference? No one blushes when you say window or dog, unless you're announcing that you caught them dancing naked with the dog through said window.

Profanities are a source of emotional release. I stub my toe on the bed for the second time in an hour and "ow" just ain't gonna cut it. "Fuck" or a string of unrelated obscenities (which is usually what comes out) releases a whole lot of that pain. Sure, it's psychological. But those of you that yell "Fiddlesticks" or "Jeepers", you know what you really mean and so do I. You might as well let the swear out and be done with it. Believe me, it's much less taxing on your brain. And it feels so good.

Swear words are and always will be an integral part of human language. Profanity is universal. Every language ever studied, whether spoken by millions or by a remote little tribe, has contained some type of "forbidden" words. These words exist because we create them. They serve a function. At some point, someone said "Oh, that hurts my delicate sensibilities." And then another person said, "Well, such words are to be expected from a commoner." And that was repeated until someone decided that profanity represented a lower class of person, with inadequate intelligence and breeding. I'll give you intelligence and breeding…

Before you all say that decent folks don't need to include profanity in their books to elicit the right reaction, stop. I've heard it before. I still don't agree.

Let me turn your attention to one of the oldest pieces of literature we're all familiar with; the Bible. Oh yes, if you want profanity, the Bible has it in spades. Perhaps not curse words we're familiar with nowadays, but they're in there. For words, we're familiar with, I give you II Kings 18:27 (KJV) that uses two profanities:

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

While "dung" might not be considered profane to you or me, back in the day, it was. So were many more words used in scripture. Is it wrong? No. Those ancient scribes wanted to emphasize or color certain bits and these words worked more effectively than other, less interesting words.

I suppose I should pause here to say that I'm not making excuses for my use of swear words. Basically, I don't feel there's anything to excuse. This is a sort of rant, aimed at a few bits I've read, heard, or comments directed toward me that insinuate I'm not a good person for using profanity in my writing. I want to put some perspective on how we judge each other on something as silly as swear words. Any phrase can be hurtful, offending and damaging, with or without these words. It all depends on the speaker's intent.

And this is a tangent, but for those of you that think substituting "Golly" for "God" is a pure and sweet way of not cursing. Think again. I did the research. Guess what? Golly is a compaction of "God's body", and as such, used to be considered a profanity (many moons ago) because using it was still taking the Lord's name in vain. So. There you have it. Cursing and you didn't even know it.Oh golly.

And I often wonder why Hell is considered profane and yet, Heaven isn't? Why is using God profane and Satan or Devil is not? The intent. But we become all sensitive with the religious words, don't we? I mean, I've used heaven while having some pretty obscene intentions. Yes, I have. I've used "God" when saying something that had only positive connotations, so…

Why is one word obscene, while another isn't? If the word is not meant to hurt or insult, then why is it worse than another word used in the same way? 

Once a word is closely associated with a particularly nasty bodily function, such as poop or pee, or a taboo act, like sex, or a "private" body part, like vagina, penis or anus, it creeps into taboo territory. When used in a manner that is derogatory or insulting, it firmly takes its place and is no longer considered acceptable in polite conversation.

For an example, I give you pussy. Use pussy when referring to a furry little nightmare that shreds your curtains and kills the mice, and no one cares. Use it to describe another potentially furry bit and suddenly you're obscene. Or, why do some consider pecker or dick to be profane and yet tally-whacker and sausage are not? Because the former have been used in a derogatory manner one too many times. Just wait, if enough men are called a sausage in an insulting way, we will have to rename our second favorite breakfast meat to spare polite company.That's my goal anyway.

My point is that profanities are only as powerful as we make them. They'll always be fun to use, because they're fun to say. So are "salsa" and other inoffensive words. For the most part, they're short, easy to spell and roll off the tongue with ease. But since no one has associated salsa with shit, piss or semen, it's still safe to use. And I use it often.

The intent is the key factor here. So if I were to say "Did you piss your pants?" Piss means urinate and really, is not meant offensively. However, if I were to say "Piss off" people get all gaspy and shit. What if I said "Get lost, you worthless loser."? Is that offensive? No profane words used there. Not one curse. It's the intent behind those words. Personally, I'd rather have someone tell me to fuck off or piss off than call me a worthless loser. Just saying.

In terms of novels, which are really the point of this rambling mess, profanity is a part of our daily lives. When depicting real people, profanity is a natural part of speech. How can you not use one or two? What's that? Because you choose not to? Great. Good for you. I choose to use them. Does that make you better than me? Hell no. It means you create characters that don't swear. Mine do. Big fucking deal.

Do my characters swear when it's not needed? I don't think so. Believe it or not, I weigh the use of every profanity I write. Is it needed? Does it add anything? Is it more distracting than enhancing? If it takes the reader from the story, then it's not used. If it adds flavor to my character or intensity to the scene or line of dialogue, I'm sure as shit going to use it. Those who are offended easily, you've been warned.

The Oracle Series Part 6: The Future of Publishing…A Blow Best Given with a Velvet Hammer.

 Whew, what a week. Did you hang out through the whole thing? You're awesomesauce. You know that? Here, have a velvet hammer. No, it's a drink. It's tasty, I promise. For those of you who are new to The Edge, we've been running the Oracle Series, a follow-up to my guest blog post in Rita's World. For each day this week, I've been exploring the logic behind the predictions that Carlos and I shared in the Writer's Companion  about where the publishing industry will be in ten years. On Wednesday, we took a break from rocking the boat to welcome Rita Webb to The Edge. Check out her journey to publishing her YA novel, Lelea here.

Now, for the final predictions that we made in the Writer's Companion.

Prediction #9

Most of the Internet free services to writers will be subscription only.

We meant to write that most of the valuable or relevant Internet content will be subscription only but we exercised restraint. The digital bubble has burst once or twice and it will do it again because the business models (or the lack of one) are untenable. Some people will maintain informative sites without expecting any income, as a hobby or for the hell of it, take your pick.

Other commercial ventures will have to rely on heavier advertising practices to survive; after all, to go by the name of "business" an enterprise is supposed to attempt making money. Services to writers, such as promotion, retail, edition, and review will have to be paid for one way or another, to provide income to whoever has built a website and staffed it. The dream of an Internet where everything is free is... well, a dream, a beautiful dream, but one that shatters before the shrill of an alarm clock.

Prediction #10

Traditional writers will be on the road to extinction.

By this we mean the scribes of old (such as Carlos) who would hammer away at keyboards and typewriters sixteen hours each day to complete a manuscript and rejoice when typing THE END.

These writers still linger, but they'll soon be a memory like the Dodo. The writer of the future will be a hybrid of politician, speaker, pimp, blogger, publicist, hustler, diplomat, and writer—almost as an afterthought.

This has been the easiest prediction to make, because the signs are already upon us. Nowadays, many publishers and literary agents demand that submissions include a sample of the writing and a detailed marketing plan or "platform." Without a platform, we doubt Conrad reincarnate would manage to publish anything.

Whether you see this as a good or a bad thing, it's a train that can't be stopped. Believe me, I've tried. If you can't put yourself out there and be more than "just a writer", the odds of establishing a writing career are very slim. But you know, it's not a horrible thing. I don't enjoy being the center of attention (I know that's hard for you all to believe) and the idea of putting myself in the middle of the fray of authors I see slogging their way to the top absolutely terrifies me.

But I do it anyway. I swallow the fear and the anxiety and I jump in with enough force to make a tiny wave now and then. And you know what? It's kinda fun.

I know some of you have different opinions on these last two predictions and I'm eager to hear them. Do you think a writer can be simply a writer, focusing entirely on his craft to the exclusion of marketing and pimping his talented self out? How would he manage to be successful?

We close the Oracle section in the Writer's Companion with a little bit of advice and I'd like to close this series with the same advice. You may take it or leave it, but it's well-meaning and I hope new authors at least consider what we're trying to impart here.

"In closing, we'd like to leave all new writers with this heartfelt counsel: Build a marketing platform concurrently with your fiction writing; create a presence, a following, and expectations. Without it, your chances in the flux of the New Publishing Industry are close to nil."

The Oracle Series Part 5: The Future of Publishing…Drowned in Martinis and Poutine

And just like the sex you wish you could have with that stripper, you're dying to experience la poutine. That's why we've got the martinis; liquid courage.




Well, hello again. Here, Clive's making apple martinis and poutine today. Mmmm. For those of you who are new to The Edge, we've been running the Oracle Series, a follow-up to my guest blog post in Rita's world. On Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, I expanded on the first five predictions that Carlos and I shared in the Writer's Companion about where the publishing industry will be in ten years. For the entire list (so you can properly build your argument for or against our predictions) check out my guest post over in Rita's World. On Wednesday, we took a little break and Rita came over to The Edge to share her journey in self-publishing and how her YA novel "Tears"  came to be. Thursday we jumped right back into the future of publishing with Prediction #5.

Today we're diving once more into the fray, with the Oracle's sixth, seventh and eighth predictions for the publishing industry. What have we cast into the fire this time?

Prediction #6

Two-thirds of traditional book retailers will have disappeared.

The trend is unstoppable. Some Indie book retailers will scrounge a living from keepsakes, but the bulk of leisure and impulse books will be digital. A few will survive by diversifying their offer, much as bookshops at airports where one can find luggage straps, aspirin, diapers, drinks, and snacks among the books.

The big chains will fare worse and will be forced to drastically change their business model, to a point where books contribute only a fraction of their turnover. This doesn't mean that their book division will vanish. They will regroup it in the Internet and live to fight another day.

Prediction #7

The number of readers will increase.

People read fewer books, this might be true, but the time dedicated to absorb information has increased dramatically in the last decades. While people may spend less time reading books, they use phenomenal chunks of time to text, blog, hang about social networks, play games, and watch TV (all of which need content).

With more free time and so much information floating about, people soak up information and are greedy for content. This is great news for writers.

In addition, though the number of readers is decreasing in the West, it's exploding elsewhere. In the East and Africa there's a trifle of over three billion potential readers. THREE BILLION!! Come on, that's a lot of eyes.

Prediction #8

A large percentage of successful writers will issue from the East.

This sounds insane and completely out of left field, I know. But it's not. This is another logical outcome of the development of Eastern countries. English is the Esperanto of the XXI century. In almost every country, millions are learning English as a vehicle to communicate with a wider segment of the world's population. This will promote generations of freelance and creative writers using the English language as their vehicle of choice, which in turn will overflow to Western countries. The East is taking over, however surreptitiously, scores of niches in the global market and it's naïve to assume they won't try their hand at all levels of publishing and writing.

My personal opinion on this (as in, not Carlos's) is that because these new writers have studied English, and I mean not half-assed as we "native" English speakers do, they will have the necessary skills to write well. They will succeed in this industry.

I believe that anyone not taking the time to understand the language of creative writing, to know the nuts and bolts of your own language and how to use those to construct coherent, smooth prose, is a fool. You'll be left behind, choking on the dust of these men and women who did take the time to fully grasp the intricacies of English and grammar. Won't it be embarrassing to have someone for whom English is a second language writing circles around you? I think so. In fact, Carlos has taught me a thing or ten about English. Made me sit up and take notice of what I blindly refused to learn because I thought I didn't have to. And boy, did I make sure I worked my ass off to catch up to him.

Now, I'm really curious to know your thoughts on this one. I know for some of you, it's a head-scratch-worthy prediction, but we feel that writers like these really will change the face of publishing. Would it be a good change? For readers, I think so.

Come join me tomorrow for the final installment of the Oracle Series, in which we become somber, and hammered.

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The Oracle Series Part 4: The Future of Publishing…with Chocolate Monkeys

You didn't think I meant the other kind of chocolate monkey, did you?




Oh look, you came back. Here, have a drink. Clive's making Chocolate Monkeys today. Mmmm. For those of you who are new to The Edge, we've been running the Oracle Series, a follow-up to my guest blog post in Rita's world. On Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, we discussed the first four predictions that Carlos and I shared in the Writer's Companion about where the publishing industry will be in ten years. For the entire list (so you can properly build your argument for or against our predictions) check out my guest post over in Rita's World.  

Yesterday, Rita took over The Edge to share her publishing story with us. It's very interesting. You should go read that when you're done here.

Let's dive right into Prediction #5, shall we?

POD will shrink down to a tenth of its present size.

How is that possible with e-books taking over traditional publishing?

No, Carlos and I haven't lost the few marbles we've managed to hang on to. Independent (self) and vanity publishing has existed since Guttenberg. There's a difference between these two terms.

Independent or self-publishing has been the only recourse open to those writers who, by the nature of their work and its intended audience, couldn't use the services of a traditional publisher. On page 585 of the Companion , we point out that 10,000 copies is the minimum break-even figure for a traditional publisher.

Therefore, any book with a total audience of fewer than 10,000 readers is almost impossible to publish, unless the book retails for a small fortune. Writers who create books for small groups, or touch specialized subjects (such as how to care for your suit of armor) have known this unpalatable fact from time immemorial. Poetry and family histories are often published independently, as they have a limited market. These books will continue to be printed on demand or published in small runs because there's no other option.

Vanity publishing is another matter. One of the best descriptions of the practice we've ever read is from an anonymous contributor to Wikipedia:

"While a commercial publisher's intended market is the general public, a vanity publisher's intended market is the author."

We think the quote is self-explanatory. When the millions of writers out there learn that self-publishing without the backing of good editors and better distributors is a chimera, POD will dwindle to pre-Internet-era values. Everything will once again be right in the Universe.

Why? Because there won't be this rush to publish shit that we're experiencing right now. Writers who give a damn will slow down, polish their work and those who don't, well they're the tenth that will still use POD services. It is what it is and what it always will be.

Wow, how's that for deep and completely meaningless?

What do you think? How do you see POD in ten years? If it doesn't shrink, will this be bad or good for writers?

Come back tomorrow for predictions 6 through 8. They're good ones. Oh, and bring your hunger. Clive's been cooking.

Rita's World Joins the Edge and You Could Win a Free Book!

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Today we're taking a break from the Oracle series because Rita Webb, who recently published Tears, a YA novel that my daughter is absolutely in love with, is hanging out with me and Clive. So, while I sit back and enjoy that massage Clive's been begging to give me, Rita is going to share her journey to publication. Thank you, Rita. The Edge is yours.

My Road to Publishing

 



Five years ago, a dear friend of mine sent me these words by Mark Twain:

Who was it who said, "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work—not somebody else's work. The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man's work and cannot lose it.

My two favorite figures in history were both writers and publishers: Benjamin Franklin and Mark Twain In fact, it is Mark Twain's words about work and play that led me to becoming a writer and setting up my own publishing business.

A publisher, like any investor, has a vision of what a story can become. They see the potential and take the monetary risk to bring that potential into fruition. They invest time, money, resources, and experience into a writer.

As a writer, I had a vision of what my stories could become, but I lacked the money, resources, and experience. How do you make a cover? How much does it cost? How do you write the copyright page? Where do you get a printer? How do you market? Those were just a few questions, but the scary side of becoming my own publisher was the questions I didn't know how to ask. You can't ask your guide how to get around the snow giant blocking the mountain pass if you don't even know the monster is there.

My road to becoming a published writer and an entrepreneur publisher alongside my husband TJ started when my job laid me off after 10 years of service. I had to ask myself, "Who do I really want to be? What do I want to do with my life?"

I dabbled in writing since I was 12 years old, and in high school and college, I handed in my first drafts and always got an A+ whether the assignment was creative writing, business writing, or research reports. I thought I could waltz right into my first novel and be a bestseller—except I really had no clue what I was getting myself into. 

Maybe if I had known how much work went into polishing a manuscript, I never would have jumped into the fire, but once my fingers started clicking away at the keyboard and the words marched across my screen, I couldn't stop. In fact, I tried to give up many times. My family needed me, and I wasted my time on a foolish dream… But the next day, I was back at it—thanks to my husband who was always there: believing in me, encouraging me, pushing me to try harder, supporting me, reading my stories again and again to catch my mistakes. I never would have made it without him. Even now, I still couldn't get by without him; he has an intuitive sense that keeps me grounded.

150K words and 2 novels later, I faced the criticisms of my beta readers: my characters were flat (I call them "Yes Men" because without motivations, they said "Yes, whatever you want, master"); my world was empty; my prose was weak. My writing just sucked.

Devastated, I cried—not because of the criticism but because I didn't know how to fix the problems. I thought I had failed, my dreams crashing and burning in a hopeless mess. Again, I tried to give up, but my mind started working on solutions the moment I resolved to put my writing away for good.

I checked out every book about writing from the library. Working at my new job by day, helping my husband homeschool my kids in the evening, studying and writing by night, I practiced on short stories. By trading editing favors with other writers I met online, I learned from my mistakes. They taught me how to add description, vary sentence structures, find active verbs, cut out repetitive phrases, plan a plotline…

This is when Tears was conceived. It started as a short story series as a sequel to my crash-and-burn novels I had written the previous year. What would happen to my world if my character fails to save it from her enemy? We would have an apocalypse with the destruction of magic. Technology would take over and a military state would form. Maybe one cyborg girl could save her people, restore magic, and bring dragons back.

It took me a year to write and a year to polish. Round after round of editing, I wanted to say, "Good enough." But my husband insisted I keep working on it. Another round and then another. Then beta-readers. Then more polishing. Again. And again. Until my mind was numb.

But everything worthwhile takes time and elbow-grease.

When Carlos J. Cortes called for submissions for an anthology Ménage à 20, I submitted two stories. My first publication. I watched the process carefully: from the planning to the editing to the contracts to the blurbs. I saw the frustration and joys that went into this process.

Six months later, my writer friend Wendy and I decided to put together our own not-for-profit anthology. We collected 10 stories, edited, typeset the interior, created a cover, wrote blurbs, and planned the marketing. Months of work later, we published Unlocked in August of 2010.

I loved the whole process and realized I would hate not having my fingers in the pie if I went with a traditional publisher. I wanted to make my own schedule, plan my own covers, and organize my own book interior. Just writing wouldn't be enough anymore. I did some half-hearted querying for Tears, got a few nibbles, and then started plotting my next adventure.

Being the go-get-'em girl that I am, I plunged into studying again: business, publishing, marketing, and accounting. I don't do anything by halves. I spent six months alone just writing my business model and marketing plan.

July 4, 2011, Robot Playground Inc was born, and a month later, I released Tears. Four long years after the company I worked for first announced the impending layoffs, I finally see the fruits of my labor.

It feels good and right to be responsible for my own dreams and to be the Queen of my own Destiny, but the work has just begun. Writing and self-publishing is no get-rich-quick scheme. It's a work-your-ass-off-until-you-drag-yourself-to-the-top-of-a-treacherous-mountain path.

My advice to any would-be self-publisher: Mountain climbing doesn't include helicopters, and there are no shortcuts to publishing.

Well said, Rita. Thanks so much for stopping by. I seldom have guests here because people annoy me. But I like you. You can come back any time.

And here's a big pat on the back as well. You have worked your ass off to see Tears published, so be proud of what you've achieved through that time and effort. As one of your beta readers, I was able to see this story evolve and the difference between the first draft I read and the final product is phenomenal. This should be the reality for self-published authors. It shouldn't ever be a matter of write a draft and send it out.

Writing a book should never be easy. If it is, you're doing it wrong.

Here, take the soapbox. I use it far too much. So, how would you all like a shot at winning a copy of Rita's novel?

Of course you would! Entering is easy. Just share a link to The Edge on either Twitter or Facebook and then share with us (in the comments) your favorite quote about books, writing or writers, and provide an email address so I can contact you. It's that easy. I'll announce the winner on Friday. And don't forget to come back tomorrow to read the Oracle's next prediction.

The Oracle Series Part 3: The Future of Publishing…and Whiskey

Welcome back to the Oracle series. Sunday and Monday we explained the first two predictions Carlos and I shared in the Writer's Companion about where the publishing industry will be in ten years. For the entire list (so you can properly build your argument for or against our predictions) check out my guest post over in Rita's World . 

Today, let's share bottle of Crown Royal while we look at predictions 3 and 4. Why whiskey? Because it's always a good conversation helper, right?

Prediction #3

E-publishers will only accept submissions through literary agents.

As in the past with paperback novels, traditional publishers will pass onto agents the onus of sifting through the trash because it makes economic sense to make the writer pay for the selection. Publishers eliminated a sizeable chunk of their staff by compelling writers to submit their work through an agent—and foot his wages.

Professional e-publishers will follow suit because it doesn't cost them anything and removes a considerable burden from their shoulders. Besides, literary agents have to live. Their role as critics and reviewers doesn't change because the format of the final buyer's product changes.

Personally I don't see this as a terrible thing. Quality control has to begin somewhere and why shouldn't agents have a piece of the electronic pie? Survival of the fittest, and all that fun stuff. There's sharks out there in Agent Land and I'd prefer having one of those looking after me and my interests, rather than fending for myself, thanks very much.

Prediction #4

E-books will be rated by an agency, as to their literary and editorial merits.

Again, this is logical and sensible. No, we don't mean literary agencies. We mean a separate agency built for just this purpose. Why? Through the argument about other forms of publishing, we have taken into consideration the writer, the publisher and other forces involved in the merchandising of books. But there is a most important and forgotten player: the reader. As a consumer, the reader will demand protection, and we wouldn't be surprised if our predicted rating agency comes imposed by circumstances. In the U.S., a country with such a zest for litigation, we're surprised no writer has been dragged through the courts and made to pay damages. A book is a product and a reader its consumer.

There comes a point when a book is so badly written as to be unreadable. An unreadable book is not a book. Extracting money for an object that doesn't fulfill its natural usability is fraud, misrepresentation or whatever the correct legal term is. We have spoken with many readers who bought a book and felt cheated because they couldn't read it.

Imagine buying a Whopper from Burger King, only to discover there's no meat in the bun. Most people would demand to receive their meat or have their money returned. Others would sue.

Just as most products have a stamp of approval certifying its usefulness to fulfill a given task, we think that something along these lines will be mandatory in self-published books. We don't mean a label rating the story, voice, style, plot, or characterization but a stamp certifying the book is written in accordance with current standards of grammar, syntax, and a limit on typo contents. This will be good news for all writers: the professional ones will see their work certified, and the others (without quality stamp) will have a level of protection against litigation since the reader will have purchased a product without that guarantee.

What do you think? If this happened, would it be good or bad for writers? Have I lost my mind completely to see this as a fantastic change? Please, share your thoughts. If you've got a rant, well you can share that too. Whiskey makes everything okay.

And come back to The Edge tomorrow to spend some time with Rita Webb, who will be here with Clive, discussing her journey to publication and the decision to self-publish. On Thursday we discuss Prediction #5 with me. What is it? Go on over to Rita's World and check it out.

The Oracle Series Part 2: The Future of Publishing…and Clive Dances for Us.

Don't worry, he always gives me that look when I ask him to dance. Secretly, he can't wait to move like Jagger.






 

Welcome back to the Oracle series. Yesterday we explained the first prediction Carlos and I shared in the Writer's Companion about where the publishing industry will be in ten years. For the entire list (so you can properly build your argument for or against our predictions) check out my guest post over in Rita's World .    Clive's got quite a show planned for you all later, but only if you behave. Now, let's get to Prediction #2:

E-publishing with reputable publishers will be as hard to access for new writers as traditional publishing is right now.

Let's face it, this is inevitable. The market is awash with manuscripts, a few sublime, some good, but most of them unreadable. Traditional publishers will embrace e-publishing with a vengeance and other publishers, those whose livelihood will depend exclusively on e-book sales, will have to be selective and offer good products to stay afloat. This will entail a ruthless selection process, not unlike the harrowing gauntlet new writers have to negotiate nowadays. Of course, there will be outlets for writers to post rough manuscripts, but we're referring to the publishing industry not the hobbies of the delusional. (That's right, we went there.)

What do you think? Do you think the term "reputable publishers" will even hold water in ten years? With the free-for-all in the e-book industry right now, I sometimes wonder. In the end though, it comes down to the reader. In order to ensure the reader gets what she's paying for, which is a quality book, this change is needed.

Come back to The Edge tomorrow to discuss Prediction #3 with me. What is it? Go on over to Rita's World and check it out. But first, Clive's on stage. Yeah, it's gonna be good.

Oracle Series Part 1: The Future of Publishing…and Margaritas.

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I've gotten organized and swept the cobwebs that seem to breed like rednecks here on The Edge. By the way, since I am a redneck, that statement is not offensive. We really are prolific breeders. Anyway, pull up a seat. Not on the couch, that's my spot. Okay fine, sit. Here, Clive's made margaritas for all of us.



Let's get to the Oracle.



Recently I was a guest over at Rita's World, where I shared what Carlos and I predict will happen within the publishing industry in the next decade. Go on over to jump into the discussion.



Here on the Edge, I wanted to expand on our predictions and share the logic behind them, which we've laid out in the Writer's Companion . These were not just guesses that we pulled from a hat, or even out of our asses (or ass?), although sometimes we find fascinating things there.



But seriously, our predictions are based on our collective experience and a ton of research. Does it make us any more accurate than someone pulling a guess out of an ass? Not likely. But just for shits and giggles, let's pretend we might just have a point.



Today we'll look at prediction #1:



E-publishing will overtake traditional publishing.



As we state in the Companion, there are four kinds of books: Reference, leisure, keepsakes and educational. When we discuss reference books we mean encyclopedias, dictionaries, and all those books that compile facts. Carlos points out:



"To date, almost every paper encyclopedia has disappeared. The reason must be found in the implicit obsolescence of these publications. Take the Spanish Enciclopedia Espasa, the world's largest. In its origins, the work consisted of seventy-two volumes published from 1908 to 1930 and enlarged by a further ten-volume appendix and updates from 1930 to1933. The encyclopedia was enlarged with biannual volumes until 2005, when the publishers gave up. It ended as a 118-volume unwieldy monstrosity occupying a full wall and containing 165,000 pages and 200 million words. The problem for its owner was to find anything, without having a good idea of the item's background. Trying to find Burkina Faso (an African country surrounded by Mali, Niger, Benin, Togo, Ghana, and Côte d'Ivoire) was a nightmare, unless the researcher knew that the country changed its name in 1984. Before that date, the country was named Republic of Upper Volta."



The same is true of reference works touching every area of human knowledge or endeavor. Let's be realistic. Theories are proven or ditched, phenomena are understood, technology advances, societies change, and there's no way we can keep track unless we continuously update our references. Reference e-books are not only a logical development but, in our opinion, unavoidable. Newspapers could be classified as reference publications as well, but while they might last a bit longer than that giant encyclopedia, their days are numbered in paper format. They have no place in a technological society.



Leisure books include novels and comics, or those we use, store for eons, then toss out when we run out of room on our overburdened bookshelves. Often we read novels once. Bad ones less than that. Those we like enough to read several times are few. We agree that you can't replace the feel of a book in your hands. Of course, we might be biased because we grew up surrounded by books. When we learned to read we also learned to love the smell of that yellowed paper, the soft, marred texture of a weathered cover, the sound of a spine finally cracking under years of loving abuse. But younger generations haven't developed this fondness for a pile of paper. Neither do they miss a dial telephone or having to wash the dishes by hand. They cringe at the idea of writing a letter with pen and paper because they've never had to do it. We can't miss what we haven't experienced and buying a paperback you'll read once before storing it away for indefinite amounts of time is wasteful. Once it's read, what use do we have for it? If prices of e-books level out to be around half of a paperback (as we believe they should be) wouldn't you rather two books instead of one?



The remaining obstacle for e-books to become the norm is a versatile and cheap e-reader. These are around the corner. Five years ago, most people had a clumsy monitor sitting before their eyes and occupying most of the table. Now we can buy a compact flat panel for a fraction of the cost.



Now, keepsakes will remain, as their name indicates they are special. In our libraries we have books, some useless, others dear, and others still in daily use—religious, poetry, inspirational, etc. These books will survive in paperback because their intrinsic value goes further than their cost or usefulness; they are objects with emotional attachments. There's always a market for sentimentality.



Educational books are also undergoing a dramatic change. Things in the U.S. may be different, but in Europe several countries are providing young children with discounted laptops. The study books are then downloaded into their machines (with previous payment, of course). This way, the students can move from home to the school carrying their laptop and lunch box, instead of a carry-all on wheels piled high with a ton of books. Once more, this seems an unstoppable trend. And those of you who've ever had to carry your child's backpack laden with textbooks will join me in saying "Amen!" to that development.



What do you think? Are we wrong? I know you all love your chunks of paper and for me personally, nothing will ever replace a worn old paperback, but I can acknowledge the wastefulness of such sentimentality. I can see the convenience of a reader. Actually, I can't wait until I get my very own this Christmas.



Come back to The Edge tomorrow to discuss Prediction #2 with me. What is it? Go on over to Rita's World and check it out.

Don't Waste your Time or Mine.

As we approach the release date of The Writer's Companion, finally, I've become quite distracted by the whole review process. We'll have bad reviews, of that I'm certain. I'm not worried about those. What I worry about is the knucklehead reviews that are sure to touch my irritable bone.

Today, the lovely and talented Kate Quinn blogged about reviewing books, and an excellent blog it was. Later I read a few more articles here and there referring to proper etiquette for readers when reviewing and for authors receiving negative reviews. I think it doesn't hurt to offer a few pointers for anyone thinking about posting a review.

This isn't about being a writer or about professionalism. Negative reviews will happen. I don't care who you are or how mad your skills, you WILL get a negative review. Why?

Let's say it all together, "Reading is subjective." This means that you cannot please everyone.

This is a really weird area for me as a writer. I tend to act first and ask questions later when I'm angered, so Kate's advice is good. I need to learn to bite my tongue or bind my hands so I don't go over the edge in the heat of anger and indignation.

This is about readers (writers or not) who post reviews. I get really pissed at some of these morons reviewing books and hurting an author's rating when it's obvious they either a) didn't read the book, b) enjoy being nasty, or c) haven't got a clue. The clueless can be forgiven because they're obviously lacking in brain capacity and really, what can you do about that? The ones that didn't' read the book or just enjoy being nasty; there's a special place for those people. It's dark and full of dirt.

If you want to post a review that is helpful to other readers and like to avoid looking like an asshat, you might want to read on. If you're just a fucknut in general and like to be negative and immature simply because you can, go somewhere else. You aren't welcome here.

Moving on.

I collected some reviews from Amazon and Goodreads to use as examples. These reviews kind of work against the reviewer. If I see a negative review that tells me nothing about why they hated the book, I'm probably going to buy it. Why? I've explained below.

I've kept the reviewers anonymous because…well, it's the kind thing to do. Also, I have not adjusted punctuation or spelling because it was the fun thing to do.

Under the Dome by Stephen King:

"Probably a creative and good story, but there was too much profanity and explicit stuff in the first couple chapters, that I didn't finish it."

You didn't finish it and yet you felt compelled to give it one star and tell potential readers absolutely nothing about why you didn't finish it? No, no, no, Reader. You cannot do this. Probably a creative and good story? So…um, yeah. That means what? Too much profanity and explicit stuff? Like what? Fuck? Shit? Sex? What?!

I see a review like this and I buy the shit out of that book. Explicit, to me, equals entertaining. By the way, you don't like explicit, why the hell are you reading Stephen King? Just saying.

"BLEH."

Well, thanks for that in depth and thorough review of how crappy this book was. I will certainly take heed and avoid a "BLEH" book. Glad I dodged that bullet by reading this review.

 "steven king was a good author...back when he wrote the shinging. king just gave up the crown when he wrote this... he should go to kids stories because this book was a whole lot of nothing."

I've never read the "shinging" and I thought I'd read everything by "king". And yes, if the author writes about nothing, then he's definitely a children's author. Because kids can't possibly want to read about anything.

I'll have you know there are some brilliant stories that are written primarily for children. They contain loads of stuff like…plot, characters and…never mind, you wouldn't like it because you're obviously over and above a child's reading level.

When you post a review, good or bad, please, please, PLEASE, at least check your spelling. And also, that little SHIFT key to the right and left of the keypad? It makes CAPITALS. Yay! Those are good. Use them.



"It STINKS - Don't waste your money. But, if you must have it, wait to buy it at a garage sale or flea market for a quarter. For a quarter its worth it for heat if you burn it. Can't imagine anyone wanting to read it beyond 100 pages by then you'll wish you had read a clear concise book by Hemingway. I guess once you make a name for yourself they'll print any crap. Not surprised it dropped off the best sellers list like a rock. I guess King or whatever his real name is has nothing better to do with his time."

Wow. "For a quarter its worth it for heat if you burn it." Awesome sentence right there.

By the way, pretty sure that's his real name, but I could be wrong.

I'll wish I'd read Hemingway because he was clear and concise…? Not sure if that's sarcasm or not because Hemingway (IMO) isn't exactly light reading. Explain why it stinks, not why you obviously hate the author, and probably did long before reading the book. Did you even read it? Nothing here says you did. Again, I'd buy the book just to see if it causes a serious jonesing for Hemingway.  

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer:

"I am only reviewing because I feel obligated to bring the average rating of this book down. Shallow, cliche, poorly written, predictable, not even entertaining in that guilty sort of way. Blah. Why is this the biggest thing since God? I'm ashamed for this book's editor.



Oh, and did I mention that this book reads exactly like fanfiction written by fifteen year olds? It needs to be said."

So, you sacrificed your time to tell us this? Thank you! I'm honored. Wow, so glad you brought the rating down. Can't have it becoming a bestseller…wait.

Look, I don't like the Twilight books. I don't get them either. Forget about the writing, the plot and characterization made me cringe and once I even puked in my mouth a little. However, I'm not a 15 year old girl who writes fan fiction, so I am not the target reader apparently.

We have to admit, whether we like it or hate it, Meyer did something right or the damn things wouldn't be so "big". A review like this is not constructive. It reeks of self-importance and bitchiness. Readers see a million of these for almost every book written by a big name writer, and I doubt it stops them from buying the book. There's no criticism here, just someone cloaking a fluff review (designed to intentionally lower the rating of a book by an author they dislike) in arrogance. I'd be tempted to buy a book based on a review like this. Not this particular book, considering I've already bought it, but another book perhaps.

"This is a book. A book with many pages.



Perhaps if I read this when I was 13 and a different person I would have enjoyed it."

This is amusing. Yes. I giggled. But it says nothing. If you're going to give one star and say nothing about why, then save us both some time and give one of those "rating without comment" reviews.

"havent read it but i think it is a chick flick so not going to bother"

You haven't read it but you're giving it one star because you think it's going to suck. Yeah that makes total sense to me. Honestly, even a shitty author (which I'm not saying Meyer is) deserves a little more than this. Also, punctuation and capitals are your friends.

Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood, if you're perplexed)

"Did not finish book. Too BORING."

I'm going to make a new reviewer law: One must finish at least two-thirds of the book to qualify as a legitimate reviewer. And boring? Such a vague word. Boring, why?

"Stupid book."

Well, thanks. That's helpful.

"trashy just fyi"

This is not a sentence, just FYI. Trashy? Let me check it out then.

The Great Gatsby:

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...moreUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Okay, this made me laugh, but really, you should explain yourself. Why did you feel the urge to fill a page with all caps?

"awful."

Holy helpful, Batman.

The DaVinci Code:

"This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action.This book is non-stop action."

No, this reviewer did not review Gatsby. Apparently, this is a popular way to review a book. Also, it's assholey.

"Professor Langdon and his "salt and peppa" hair can bite me and give me rabies until I froth at the mouth and die of brainfever.



The writing suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked."

Again with the many letters, and again I giggled just a little. But this is really a horrible review. All I get from this is that the protagonist has greying hair and the reviewer has a fear or rabies and brainfever…think that should be hyphenated.

The Twilight books made me consider another type of review. If you want to help your favorite author or help promote what you feel is a kickass book. Don't give a five star review followed by:

"this is a good book"

Or

"OMG!!!!!!! I loved this book so much!!!!! Edward is so perfect. I have fallen in love with books. I have fallen in love with authors. But I have never fallen head over heals for a character! Edward! I love you!"

First: If you can't spell, no one will take you seriously. Good or bad review. Second: I know this is going to be shocking and you'll probably never recover from the horror of reality but, EDWARD IS NOT REAL! And all the exclamation points in the world can't change that.

Worst review I've ever written? I still stand behind it, but I think I may have been a bit…bitchy and unhelpful in my review for Renegade, by Lora Leigh. Yes, I probably committed a few writer-as-reviewer sins in this one. I felt bad, but I tried to explain why I hated it and point out the author's good points. What did I say? I gave it two stars because…

** spoiler alert ** Okay, this will be a long one because I can't leave a two star review without explaining. I don't often bother posting negative reviews and this isn't entirely negative. The reason I'm posting is I think that once one receives bestseller status, one has to really consider what one is writing. I know several unpublished authors who could write circles around what is written in this novel.



Now, I've read this author before and enjoyed the books. This is why I picked this one up. It so...moreOkay, this will be a long one because I can't leave a two star review without explaining. I don't often bother posting negative reviews and this isn't entirely negative. The reason I'm posting is I think that once one receives bestseller status, one has to really consider what one is writing. I know several unpublished authors who could write circles around what is written in this novel.



Now, I've read this author before and enjoyed the books. This is why I picked this one up. It sounded like I might like it. However, Renegade was just...not good. I'll explain.



Despite what the back cover blurb says, there were three protagonists in this story not two; Nik, Makayla and Mikayla's clit. Sorry for those who are offended easily, but them's the facts, folks. Clit doesn't bother me. I mean all women (I'm assuming) have one and it serves a great function. I'm quite happy that they exist. Wouldn't trade clits for anything. Fantastic things, those clits. But, when writing fiction, one must strive for variety in describing things. Repetition creates and echo and echo is bad. Especially when that echo is such a standout word like clit. I bet you see the word clit as often as you see the name Mikayla or Nik or the. Are you tired of me writing clit every sentence? Does it annoy you that I'm obsessed with how often clit is mentioned? Well, this is how each love scene reads. Except the ones where each character masturbates in the shower. Clit only shows in one of those scenes. I won't go there.



It's erotica and perhaps the masturbation scenes would float another reader's boat, but they left me scratching my head. They just seemed unnecessary in this case. Added nothing to the story.



A secondary character was her virginity/innocence which the author made sure to mention constantly. This could have been mentioned perhaps once or twice in the beginning. It's something the reader would have remembered. I mean how many women reach the ripe old age of twenty-something with that still intact? Not many. So that's something a reader notices. Reminding the reader at every opportunity gets tiresome.



Where's the positive that I promised? Well, I like this author's 'voice' and that was the only thing that kept me reading in the end. She's got a very distinct voice and doesn't purple things up as is the temptation in some erotic romances. So I appreciate that and I know it's tough to create romance without the flowery words. It takes skill which the author obviously has but chose not to share with us in Renegade. I guess that's why I was so disappointed. It's obvious she's a skilled writer, but this novel didn't show any effort.



The ending made me long to punch something. Evil twin out of nowhere? WTF? Come on. Talk about a lazy ending. No real explanation, just a quick couple of pages about the grandfather and separating them at birth for some strange reason. No, the motivation for separating them is not revealed.



So there's my negative review that I don't like posting, but you know, sometimes it's just good to get it out. I would read this author again, only because her previous novels that I've read have me hopeful this was just a one-off. An attempt to put something out there that flopped. In my optimism, I'm ordering another book this week. If that goes poorly, then no, I would not buy another book by Lora Leigh.

…by the way, the next book didn't go well either. I did not review because I did not finish it.

I didn't rate Twilight because I didn't finish any of the books. I didn't rate the Celestine Prophesies either because I didn't read more than 20 pages. I don't have the right to bring the rating for these authors down simply because the book didn't grab me. Had I endured, then yes, I could have rated them and enjoyed my rant on their awfulness, which I'd have punctuated to the best of my ability and avoided references to their poor hygiene or lack of morality.

And another thing:

If you're a fan of a particular author (listen up, Twi-hards), attacking reviewers that give anything but a glowing account of your favorite author's book is NOT helping your cause at all. If you choose to ignore my advice, do me a favor and read a book on grammar, or at the very least, buy a dictionary. Okay? Great.

Class is over for today. Go get a cookie.