Scott Murray's Blog, page 216

The Joy of Six: Liverpool and Newcastle United | Scott Murray

From the 4-3 classic to an 11-goal thriller in 1909, via the Toon spanking nine past the Reds in a 1934 shellacking

1) Liverpool 4-3 Newcastle United (April 1996)

Let's get it out of the way first. No other fixture between two of English football's behemoths has conjured up a singular, definitive occasion such as this. Whether it's the greatest 90 minutes of the Premier League era, as is often claimed, is a separate argument: teams have traded a higher number of goals; more meaningful winners have been scored later in the season; better sides have gone nose-to-nose in bona fide summit meetings. But as far as drama, plot, subtext and good old-fashioned base entertainment goes, only a churl would pick fault. This famous match was a perfect storm of sparkling attack, questionable defence, desperate dice-throwing and rollercoaster lead-swapping, the effective denouement to a grand narrative arc of a 69-year pipe dream going up in smoke.

Liverpool made heavy weather of the win – and the pitch was a midden – but it is easy to forget now that victory against a side still in the box seat for the title wasn't entirely unexpected. Nottingham Forest may have just ended Liverpool's four-month, 20-match unbeaten run, it was true, but Newcastle's form was far more patchy: a 12-point lead over Manchester United had been transformed into a three-point deficit (albeit with two games in hand) after a run of four points from 15. Roy Evans's regenerated Reds were on the up; not that we knew it for sure then, but Kevin Keegan's men had already peaked and were over the brow, their bolt for glory tragically mistimed.

This was the match that gave Newcastle a hearty shove back down the track. Faustino Asprilla looked like being their matchwinner for a while, having set up Les Ferdinand and scored another, but Newcastle's defence couldn't hold the livewire Robbie Fowler and Stan Collymore, the latter's signature performance turning a 3-2 scoreline in the visitors' favour into the most jaw-dropping of home wins. Collymore's outrageous far-post pelt was payback for the last-minute winner plundered by Steve Watson at St James' Park in November. That season, Newcastle had constantly served up top-drawer action, win or lose. They also, noted the pitch-perfect David Lacey after this pulsating night at Anfield, regularly "demonstrated the art of winning friends and losing championships".

Evans, his side still with an outside chance of the title, admitted: "That was kamikaze football. Great for the fans but realistically nobody will win the championship defending every week like these teams did tonight." Keegan still hasn't lifted his forehead from that advertising hoarding in the mind's eye, though in the aftermath of defeat he belligerently and defiantly announced that "if we stop playing this way, I go". When you manage to make a man like Roy Evans, fatally compromised by romantic notions himself, sound like an arch pragmatist, the klaxons really should go off.

The following season produced another rollercoaster 4-3 win for Liverpool in the same fixture, Fowler with an injury-time face-saver after the Reds had squandered a three-goal lead with 19 minutes to play. And it could well have been three 4-3s on the bounce had events in a Paris underpass not caused the nation to lose the collective noggin and the match to be cancelled. The spell broken, the rescheduled game the following January was a pitiful affair, decided by a solitary Michael Owen goal.

Yet something had snapped in Newcastle's head. Since those two 4-3s, they've never faced Liverpool with a surplus of confidence, and despite registering their fair share of home wins – six in 14 at St James' – have been thumped more often than is usual in head-to-head combat between two Premier League big boys. Look at the Toon's troubles: six 3-0s, 4-1, 4-2, 5-1 and 6-0, with the two biggest defeats coming on home turf.

This fixture also brings an almost cast-iron guarantee of fun: there hasn't been a 0-0 draw since 1974, and even then Alan Waddle missed four gilt-edged chances, while Peter Cormack cleared John Tudor's header off the line, and there was a well-received display by RAF police dogs during the interval too. But it would be incorrect to consider this state of affairs a solely modern phenomenon. The first two matches between these sides at Anfield, in the 1890s, both ended 5-1 to the home side. And then there's one of the greatest comebacks in Football League history, a scoreline and comeback which knocks that 4-3 into a cocked hat …

2) Liverpool 6-5 Newcastle United (December 1909)

Newcastle were the reigning champions of England in December 1909. And a good thing for Liverpool too, for they'd travelled to the Toon on the last day of the previous season needing at least a point to stay up. Luckily for Tom Watson's side, Newcastle had already won the championship, and though Liverpool's England international goalkeeper Sam Hardy – a man who went by the nickname Safe and Steady – was required to make several desperate saves, tiny Ronald Orr scored a second-half goal on the break to grab two points that secured his team's top-flight status.

When the champs travelled to Anfield eight months later, the gap in quality between the two sides had closed – both were near the top of the table – though that wasn't immediately apparent after kick-off. Newcastle went into the break 5-2 up, thanks to a four-goal display from the deadly Albert Shepherd. The Toon were, by all accounts, outstanding in the first half. Shepherd may have plundered the goals, but Jimmy Howie and Jock Rutherford took the plaudits for the display, tearing Liverpool apart down their right wing again and again. "The way they attracted their opponents in order to give Shepherd the chances of which he took such advantage was perfect," wrote Redshirt in Liverpool's match programme a week later. Hardy "had no chance with any of the goals Shepherd scored", three of his four being "simply grand".

But Liverpool were transformed in the second half. Jack Parkinson was a "constant menace" and pulled a goal back, his second of the afternoon. Redshirt argued that Parkinson might easily have matched Shepherd's personal tally on another day. Orr scored twice to draw the scores level and put the fear into Toon tickers. "When Orr equalised from a scrimmage, the crowd nearly went frantic," reported the Liverpool Courier. The Manchester Guardian finishes the tale: "Excitement was intense when the scores were equalised, and it ran riot when Goddard obtained the 11th and winning goal 10 minutes from the end." Newcastle, it was widely concluded, had run themselves into the ground during an over-excitable first half.

"The Anfield spectator who grumbled at the conclusion of last Saturday's game is a born grumbler," cooed Redshirt, who concluded with commiserations for the vanquished visitors. "An away team that scores five times and retires defeated is indeed a wonder." As was the match itself. Only one other Newcastle game has ever featured more goals in 90 minutes – their 13-0 win over Newport County in 1946 – while no other Liverpool match has bettered this total. In conclusion: between this pair, 'twas ever thus.

3) Newcastle United 9-2 Liverpool (January 1934)

Hardy is not the only legendary Liverpool goalkeeper to get a pain in his back after facing Newcastle. Here's one of the club's most iconic figures, Elisha Scott, bending over to fish the ball out of his net nine times at St James' Park on New Year's Day 1934. The Newcastle fans must have been mapping out a glorious 12 months ahead in their minds.

Both teams had fallen a long way from their title-winning heydays of the 1920s – they were in 17th and 18th place before this game – but the future would look brighter for Toon after the 90 minutes. They scored at a rate of once every 10, Jimmy Richardson and Sam Weaver both claiming hat-tricks. It was not a totally unexpected victory, for Liverpool hadn't won in nine, losing six of those games. That dismal run had coincided with Scott's return to the team – he had been displaced by newcomer Arthur Riley – though not a single loyal soul in the Kop wished to vocalise the fact.

In fairness to Scott, he doesn't appear to have copped much blame for this sorry capitulation, a poor team display which may or may not have been exacerbated by copious amounts of egg nog the night before. "But for fine work by Scott, who was entirely blameless on what must have been one of his most unhappy afternoons, Newcastle's score would have run well into double figures," insisted the Manchester Guardian. "Three of the goals were scored by Sam Weaver, who is quickly making as big a name for himself at inside forward as he had previously gained as an international half-back."

Newcastle won their next game too, against Leeds, and wheeched into what appeared to be the safety of mid-table. Liverpool continued to struggle, though. Scott only played another six games for the club he had become synonymous with, finally making way for Riley for good after a defeat at Chelsea. Liverpool won six games during the run-in to avoid relegation by four points and three places. As for Newcastle? You're ahead of us. After the Leeds match, they only won two more games all season. The second of those, a 5-1 thrashing of Wolves on the penultimate Saturday of the season, meant they retained a chance of staying up, but on the final day relegation rivals Chelsea drew with new champions Arsenal, Birmingham City won 7-3 (!) at Leicester, and Newcastle themselves lost 2-1 at Stoke, Stanley Matthews hammering home the final nail on the coffin lid of their first-ever relegation.

Not much of a harbinger, then, but what a scoreline! It remains Liverpool's biggest top-flight defeat to this day, and only one goal off their worst humping ever (a 9-1 Second Division capitulation at Birmingham City in 1954).

4) Newcastle United 5-1 Liverpool (April 1950)

Here's another harbinger which proved worse than useless: Liverpool topping the English league on the first day of the 1950s. Not only would George Kay's team, chasing the first-ever 20th-century Double, fail to win either league or FA Cup that season, the decade would turn out to be the most miserable in the entire history of the club, with only relegation, that aforementioned worst-ever defeat, and stagnation lying ahead.

This is the game which tipped them off course. It certainly tipped them off the top of the First Division table, with the team five matches away from a second league title in four seasons. Liverpool had been lucky to draw with Newcastle at Anfield earlier in the season. Toon winger Bobby Mitchell had whistled a volley past Cyril Sidlow, only for the referee to disallow the goal with a preposterous ruling of ungentlemanly conduct: Mitchell had told his team-mates to "leave it to me", a call the official decided had put off Reds captain Phil Taylor.

When the teams met again at St James', Mitchell took all of seven minutes to begin the payback, zipping past Bill Shepherd and Bill Jones and lashing home past Ray Minshall. George Hannah added a second two minutes later, and though Willie Fagan pulled one back before the interval, there was little hope for Liverpool, their former Newcastle striker Albert Stubbins having been carted off with concussion.

Even though Jack Fairbrother was clattered by Billy Liddell in the second half, levelling up the teams at 10-a-side, there was no way back for the visitors, Ernie Taylor, Mitchell and Tommy Walker turning a win into a rout. "We had one of those days," sighed Liddell. They had five more of them as their season sputtered out. Three losses and a draw in the league saw Kay's men end up in eighth spot, and they lost the cup final to Arsenal, outplayed by Reg Lewis, Joe Mercer and Denis Compton, but also outkicked, Liddell being tossed around in thuggish fashion by the no-nonsense Alex Forbes.

Newcastle were on the up, though. They finished above Liverpool in the league and though the famous Milburn-Mitchell-Walker-Robledo side never quite put together a coherent title challenge, three FA Cups were about to come their way in what was unquestionably the club's most glamorous decade.

5) Newcastle United 1-4 Liverpool (September 1987)

Liverpool's undressing of Newcastle in the 1974 FA Cup final is probably the most complete performance in fixtures between these two clubs, but the Joy of Six has chuntered on about the brilliance of Alec Lindsay's disallowed pearler, the joyous be-bop stylings of David Coleman's commentary, Kevin Keegan's nod to Total Football, and the pre-match majesty of Bruce Forsyth – from boos to a chorus of Nice One Brucie in 20 seconds, the greatest Wembley performance – before.

Anyway, as that final spoke more about the end of an era, Shankly's swansong and all that, let's concentrate on the dawning of one of English football's great sides instead. Going into the Football League's centenary season, champions Everton were expected to retain their title, with George Graham's Arsenal – who had topped the table for three months during the previous season, and ended an eight-year trophy drought with the Littlewoods Cup – hotly tipped to push Colin Harvey's side hard. Liverpool, it's easy to forget, had just lost Ian Rush to Juventus, and there was no guarantee the £1.9m British record signing of Peter Beardsley would gel with the other new boys John Barnes and John Aldridge (who had signed in January but only started twice, albeit scoring on both occasions). "The loss of Rush could well create a goal-scoring vacuum at Anfield," argued your super soaraway Guardian, which to be fair has never promised to underwrite your betting money.

Liverpool, as the records show, flew out of the blocks, though the table didn't reflect their fast start – a jiggered sewer under the Kop forced the postponement of their first two home fixtures. They arrived in Newcastle in mid-September in fine fettle, having won spectacularly at Arsenal (a long-range Steve Nicol header) and Coventry (four goals). The home side, despite heavy investment in English football's first Brazilian, Mirandinha, were languishing near the foot of the table after a dismal start under their 1974 Cup final keeper Willie McFaul. Liverpool, in the first live televised game of the season, were about to show the nation what all the fuss was about.

Beardsley – getting the bird from the fans of the club he'd just left – released Barnes to set up Nicol for the opener. Aldridge made it two. Nicol would have chipped Liverpool into a 3-0 lead before half-time had Beardsley not wandered offside, but the warnings weren't heeded. Beardsley set up Nicol to make it three, and though Neil McDonald pulled one back from the penalty spot after the otherwise quiet Mirandinha was put on his face by Gary Gillespie, Nicol completed an astonishing hat-trick with a scooped chip after being released by Aldridge down the inside-right channel. Nicol ended the day with a record of six goals in six games from the right-back spot, while Aldridge had yet to fail to score for Liverpool while starting a match. The nation now had a fair idea what was going on.

Shame about Newcastle's capitulation, though. Partly because poor McFaul found himself out of work within the month, undressed by Liverpool again, but mainly because the result denied BBC1 viewers up and down the country a different sort of televisual treat. "If, when the game is over, you sense an interview with Mirandinha coming on, please turn down the volume immediately," our very own Stephen Bierley had advised in the weekend's football diary before the match. "The Brazilian's grasp of English is still rather rudimentary, but his vernacular, courtesy of Paul Gascoigne, is coming on a treat."

6) Newcastle United 3-0 Liverpool (November 1993)

And here were another team announcing themselves on the biggest stage. Liverpool had been tipped by this paper as potential title winners. Easy to laugh now, but it wasn't a wholly outrageous argument back then, with champions Manchester United expected to be distracted by their first Champions Cup campaign in 26 years, and new Liverpool assistant Roy Evans taking a firm grip on matters tactical, allowing manager Graeme Souness to stand there and simply bristle. The signing of Nigel Clough – again, hindsight makes us so very clever – was also seen as a potential masterstroke.

Newcastle, like Evans also newly promoted, were pegged at 13th, expected to "consolidate with something to spare" but do little else. "Success means avoiding relegation," we argued. Especially as, after one minute and 50 seconds of a pre-season friendly at Anfield, corpulent lummox Neil Ruddock shattered Peter Beardsley's cheekbone, putting Newcastle's new signing from Everton out of the picture for the season's opening exchanges.

The Reds got off to a flyer, winning four of their first five, and were early pacesetters along with eventual champions (OK, we ballsed this one up) Manchester United. Newcastle meanwhile lost their first two, but eventually clambered up to mid-table (so far, so good for our punditry). But their climb had given them traction and momentum, and by the time Liverpool and Ruddock – who had lost all four of their Premiership games in September – came to St James' Park in November, there was only a point between the teams. But it soon became apparent they were also separated by a gulf.

Andy Cole put Newcastle ahead on four minutes, added a second on the quarter hour, and put matters beyond Liverpool on the half hour. A brilliant hat-trick, though Scott Sellars down the left ran him close for man of the match, as did Beardsley who had his revenge by setting up the second with a slide-rule pass that had set Sellars away to assist with extreme prejudice. "We got a doing in the first half," admitted Souness, who was gone within three months. Keegan, however, was just about to enter his imperial phase as a manager – hey, it's not all about trophies – and he simply simpered over his emerging team's performance. "The first-half performance has got to be the best we have played in my time here. I know we were 6-0 at half-time against Leicester in the First Division last year, but this was the Premier League, and this was Liverpool."

Newcastle finished the season in third place, 15 points off United's pace but 17 ahead of eighth-placed Liverpool. A new order was taking shape. Within a couple of seasons, Newcastle would be ready to take a serious tilt at the title. Now, then, how would that pan out?

LiverpoolNewcastle UnitedScott Murray
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England v Poland – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: England captain Steven Gerrard scored the clincher as Roy Hodgson's side reached Brazil. Scott Murray was watching

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England v Poland – live! | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Will England secure their place at the Brazil World Cup? Join Scott Murray to find out

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The Fiver | England expects. Roy does too. Sort of | Scott Murray

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THE POSSIBILITY OF A DRAMATIC REDUCTION IN THE VOLUME OF THAT EFFING BRASS BAND

Tonight has the potential to become one of the great memorable evenings for followers of the English national football team. For should Scotland lose to Croatia at Hampden, and Macedonia manage a draw in Serbia, Craig Levein's team (he's not escaping blame for this on our watch) will become the first Scottish side ever to finish bottom of a World Cup qualifying group. But a pleasant spot of schadenfreude isn't the only thing England supporters are hopeful of celebrating tonight. Because there's the possibility of a dramatic reduction in the volume of That Effing Brass Band, should any of Poland's 18,000 fans - hopefully a lawyer, doctor, architect or nightclub bouncer, though a builder would do - bump serendipitously into Adrian Chiles and take the opportunity to shove the ITV frontman's confused noggin into the bell of the sousaphone. Though England could also qualify for the 2014 World Cup, and that would be good too.

England have to beat visitors Poland if they want to make certain of their place in Brazil next summer, because Ukraine are only a point behind them in the table and are off to San Marino, who will only do the English a favour if they bring to an end their 56-game losing streak. Still, hopes remain high that England can sort this out themselves, and not just because Poland are a fairly shocking shower. (They've only scored eight goals in the seven qualifiers not against San Marino, while their star man Robert Lewandowski has only ever scored six times in competitive fixtures, and four of those came against Guess Who.) It's also because England are on a stunning run of one win in a row, a sequence which has caused everyone to lose the run of themselves as usual, although fair's fair, if you extrapolate this trend it's World Cups and European Championships from here on in until judgment day. Watch out, Spain!

"I don't think I can be putting a stronger, more confident bunch of players on to the field," trumpeted Mr Roy, before remembering his City and Guilds in Expectation Management and adding a caveat. "But football is not science. If it was science, and everything was based on logic and science, I think we'd be 99% there. But it's a game. Things happen in games that you don't always want to happen." Having spooked himself, and with safety-first in mind, Mr Roy is reportedly contemplating switching Montenegro matchwinner Andros Townsend for James Milner, and Michael Carrick for Frank Lampard. Not that he plans to fully ignore the gambling man who lurks within, a chap hitherto unseen in the pre-Townsend era. Word is he will prefer Phil Jones to Chris Smalling as the man to fill in for the suspended Kyle Walker at right-back. That's the sort of risk few associate with Mr Roy, as Jones could score two and lay on another, get himself sent off for a ludicrous head-high challenge incorporating internet-meme-friendly gurn, or accidentally take out at least five of his own players, England finishing the game with nine men, and one of those a Wayne Rooney preoccupied with worry. Yes, it promises to be a memorable evening, one way or another, so do remember to tune into ITV for the game, hopefully presented by a man with a tuba wedged over his head.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Scott Murray from 8pm BST for MBM coverage of England 2-2 Poland, but only after you've checked in with Ian McCourt, who'll be liveblogging the rest of the World Cup qualifiers from around 6pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY No1

"They came on to the pitch and did their show. They were just waving their arms around and then did a belly flop and glided along the grass. They were n@ked, which may not have been that smart" – Sirius midfielder Johan Arneng reacts after the Swedish third-tier match between his side and AFC Vasby had to be halted after two German streakers invaded the pitch.

QUOTE OF THE DAY No2

"I just want my grandchildren to grow up to be good people. Even if they do play too many computer games" – 'Arry Redknapp continues his book publicity tour … sorry, computer game shill 'Arry Redknapp continues his book publicity tour.

WIN! WIN! WIN!

We've got five copies of Daniel Harris's splendid new book – The Promised Land: Manchester United's Historic Treble – to give away. Simply answer the following question correctly: which Manchester United game of that 1998-99 season did Lord Ferg miss, and who took over? Emails to the.boss@theguardian.com with 'Manchester United book competition' in the subject line by 6pm BST on Friday 18 October, please.

FIVER LETTERS

"I was guessing there would be a short cul-de-sac off Lord Ferg Way (yesterdays' Bits and Bobs) called Moyes Close. However, I am hoping there will be a Moyes Crescent, which takes you back before the start of Lord Ferg Way, on to Docherty Street" – David Warburton.

"Re: France planning to ask for a review of the World Cup play-off seeding system (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). Hello pot … this is the kettle. France! Asking for a helping hand in the World Cup play-offs? France! Really? Not that I'm still bitter, but for the love of God, karma, please come and sort this out" – Nick Murphy (and others).

"Sometimes, the stars align, and pedantry of the very prettiest kind is made easy. On Sunday evening, David Mitchell explained (via the medium of yet-another-panel-show) that Churchill's famous speech was simply 'We shall fight on the beaches …' and so on, with no 'them' cluttering up the lines. Yesterday, the Fiver re-inserted the apocryphal 'them', causing embarrassment all around. I hope Mr Roy has done substantially more homework" – Matt Dony.

"Further to Mike Barron's letter regarding the use of the word 'zucchini' (yesterday's Fiver letters), although I accept the point that zucchini should not be used in the singular, I would like to point out that the lesser-used 'zucchino' is also correct in the singular, the plural form of which is indeed zucchini. Interestingly (and I use this very loosely), Zucchini is also the German word for courgette in the singular, so you'll need to have a word with them too. I'm now going to go and cry in a corner for knowing, and worse still, caring" – Katherine West (and others).

"In your spare time (which I'm assuming you have plenty of) could you possibly work out who's had the most letters published since the Fiver's inception? I have a wager that it's Noble Francis while a colleague thinks that Paul Jurdeczka probably still holds top spot in the Letters Published League (LPL) despite a lack of recent form. And yes, I know there is undoubtedly something better I should be doing with my time" – Dexter Varley.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: David Warburton.

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RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Doelpunt!

BITS AND BOBS

Former Senegal coach Bruno Metsu has died of cancer at the age of 59. "He fought like a lion. We had a lot of adventures together. I will remember his magnificent smile and his love of life," said his close friend Claude Le Roy.

Sunderland's Craig Gardner either hasn't got a clue about maths or he's just damned caretaker boss Kevin Ball with the ultimate piece of faint praise. "The lads in the changing room were buzzing, it's been a total 360," he parped.

Inter president Massimo Moratti has agreed to sell 70% of the club to Indonesian businessman Erick Thohir. "Now I will try to adapt to a new rhythm," trilled Moratti, dancing a little jig of joy at the prospect of trousering £300m.

Cardiff City fans have called on the board to be more transparent after a board meeting which failed to shed any light on why a 23-year-old was made head of recruitment and why Malky Mackay may still be sacked. "Bluebirds fans deserve a full explanation," said Supporters' Trust chairman, Tim Hartley.

Sami Khedira reckons he is being unfairly blamed by Spanish hacks for Real Madrid's poor form. "I will never be one of their favourite sons. I'm not Spanish, I didn't cost a lot and I'm a disciple of Mourinho," sobbed the German international.

And Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez has kicked off the tedious transfer saga of next summer by making known his wish to sign Radamel Falcao. "Nothing is impossible. Falcao is a great player and I am aware that he wants to play for Madrid. They told me," he said, presumably referring to the imaginary Mr 15%s who visit him in his sleep.

STILL WANT MORE?

How well do you know your football shirt sponsors? Test your sadn … sorry, knowledge with our quiz.

Former USA! USA!! USA!!! boss Bob Bradley on leading Egypt to the World Cup play-offs, despite the revolution, a stadium massacre and the cancellation of the domestic league.

Romelu Lukaku stars as a Shakespeare creation and a bottle of bleach in this week's Gallery.

The Icemen cometh! Sachin Nakrani on Iceland's World Cup day of destiny.

And four Polish fans who live in England talk about tonight's game at Wembley, their divided loyalties … and Adrian Chiles.

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FEEL OLD: THIS IS ALMOST 30 YEARS YOUNGScott Murray
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The Fiver | Rick Stein waltzing along to a version of Dem Bones by a local barber-shop octet

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CATS AND FISH

Having nothing whatsoever to do of an afternoon brings many advantages. Here's one: BBC2 has just launched a new classic television strand, the centrepiece of which is Floyd on Food. Yesterday's episode saw Keith rustle up a quick sweet-and-sour sauce to accompany a bit of fish. Upon completion of the task, he raised a glass of Grape Stimulant to camera, said cheers, and took a congratulatory sip for show, as you do. He then paused, considered how things would look, thought to hell with it, and in pursuit of that satisfying inner burn, quickly double-gulped a proper hit. Suddenly thawed of organ and loosened of limb, he forced a young but clearly unwilling Rick Stein into waltzing along to a version of Dem Bones by a local barber-shop octet. Less entertainment, more a life-coaching manual for the elegantly idle.

Floyd on Food was also on today at 2.45pm. It'll be on tomorrow at 2.45pm. It'll be on at 2.45pm on Thur … well, you get the idea. But for some folk, living vicariously by watching Floyd get soused five times a week - for the record, it's also broadcast on Friday at 2.45pm - is not enough. These people insist on going out and doing stuff themselves. Gus Poyet, for example, hasn't looked at all happy since losing his job at Brighton live on BBC Three a couple of months ago - we'd have paid Michelin-star prices plus generous tip to see someone pull that sort of stunt on a fully fuelled Floyd back in the day - but now he's got a new one at Sunderland, and he's already out of the house and halfway down the drive. "It's a big, big challenge, but I am really excited," panted Poyet today. "I thought I would have an opportunity in the Premier League and now I have got it. I need to make sure that I prove they picked the right man to get us from the situation we are in, so I am absolutely delighted."

Whether he'll remain absolutely delighted should Sunderland's all-new dysfunctional squad fail to avoid relegation is another matter, though Poyet's involvement at the business end of this season does of course assume the club have the patience to stick with a manager for a whopping eight months. Seeing seven men have sat in the hot seat in the last five years, that's hardly a given, though chairman Ellis Short today went on record to personally praise Poyet and his "commitment and passion". Of course, Short also went on record six months ago to enthuse about Paolo Di Canio's "passion and drive", and look what happened there, so perhaps we should take all that with a generous pinch of salt and three desperate mouthfuls of French Quencher. But we wish Poyet luck. The Fiver couldn't operate in such an uncertain world, which is why we're happy to stay on the sofa for our guaranteed daily schedule of classic telly. Two episodes of Cagney and Lacey down, 123 to go. At least we'll be sure of something to do come March.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The staff were quick to implement a 'no Fifa on a matchday' rule, however. The gaffer suspects several hours playing football on a video game is not conducive to a good performance in the real thing" – Leyton Orient PR chap Jonny Davies explains how boss Russell Slade banned Fifa 14 from being played on the team bus's PlayStation 3. Eight wins out of eight pre-game release; two draws in two since …

FIVER LETTERS

"Could you stop publishing all the tiresome pedantry letters, please. This is not the Private Eye" – Mike Giggler.

"Re: Coolio in Preston (yesterday's last line). As a matter of fact, Ships & Giggles has got quite a comfortable outdoor seating area which could be considered quite cool. And my (hazy) recollection of Macs's interior decor is that it is almost completely white, giving the impression that you're inside an igloo, so you can't get much cooler than that. I am not qualified to judge whether Coolio would feel at home in either of them" – Daryl Snape.

"I see that the Buckingham Palace game was between Civil Service FC and Polytechnic FC (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). In a game celebrating 150 years of the FA, that's an admirable nod to the past. In the sense, at least, that both the Civil Service and the Polytechnics have indeed been consigned to history, one to be replaced by cost-cutting managerial privatisation-mad asset-strippers, and the other, well, to cost-cutting managerial privatisation-mad, etc and so on" – Charles Antaki.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Daryl Snape.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Graham Poll has taken a pop at fellow former whistleblower Mark Halsey for "betraying referee's fraternity". Uh-oh. "He hasn't thought it through," fumed Poll after Halsey claimed current officials aren't up to much. "Mark has got to take a long, hard look at himself. He won't. I know the guy. I have known him for years. He is that type of character, I'm afraid." Oh there's a response … "I found that unfitting from him what he's come out with," pouted Halsey. "But that's Graham. We don't get on and I don't like the way he's done things over the years."

Good old international breaks.

Tranquility's Luis Suárez insists he has returned from suspension a calmer person. "I realise and I prefer to continue and not be the same as before," he ommmmmmmmed.

Craig Bellamy has announced he will retire from international football at the end of Wales' World Cup qualifying campaign. "I can't tell you how I will feel playing my final home game on Friday," he teased.

Germany's Bastian Schweinsteiger expects the Republic O'Ireland to prove a tougher test on Friday night than in last October's 6-1 shellacking in Dublin. "Of course they are not as strong as Argentina and Spain, but their hearts are in the right place and they always give everything," he damn-with-faint-praised.

And Fulham have failed to persuade René Meulensteen that a role on their first-team coaching staff is more attractive than one as the Qatar FA's technical director.

STILL WANT MORE?

The forgotten story of … Alex "Sandy" Young, Everton's No2 all-time league scorer who emigrated to Australia and killed his brother.

Dominic Fifield reports on how young English coach Anthony Hudson is giving Bahrain the benefit of his passion.

Kolo Touré stars as Del Boy and Swiss Tony in the Gallery.

Ravel Morrison's talent show suggests his troubles are finally over, reckons Jacob Steinberg.

And in case you missed it last night, here's this week's edition of Football Weekly.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Michigan! Henryesque.

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OFF CORSE. GAH!Scott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Adnan Januzaj a target for Barcelona?

Today's chit-chat has those mid-window blues

With nearly three months to wait until the opening of the mid-season transfer window, football gossip is understandably thin on the ground. So for now fans of spurious links and blatant fabrications will have to simmer down, as today's column leads with three tales regarding potential contract renewals, and they don't really do it for anyone, do they?

Three young players scored goals at the weekend, giving their agents the opportunity to raise Cain and set their clubs into a flat spin. Adnan Januzaj, who sure as hell isn't going to play for England, Roy, let's maintain a sliver of dignity here, is now a target for Barcelona, which should put an extra couple of digits on his new Manchester United contract.

Ravel Morrison has a £19m release clause in his West Ham United contract, which is something the Hammers want to get rid of toot sweet. Former club Manchester United are keeping tabs on this, though Tottenham Hotspur may as well put in a bid for him too, if only to cause more trouble, they started this after all by not seriously challenging him at any given point as he embarked upon that magnificent 60-yard skitter the other day.

And Derby County are worried they're going to lose the winger Will Hughes in the window, despite the player having opted to stay put in the summer and get some game time rather than festering on the bench at some big club or other. The presence of Steve McClaren spreading panic already, it would seem. Manchester United and former suitors Liverpool have both been accordingly alerted.

Possibly the only type of Rumour Mill story more underwhelming than the contract renewal is the re-signing of former players. Arsenal's success with the reintegration of Mathieu Flamini has encouraged them to attempt to lure back Alex Song, who is bored of doing nowt at Barcelona.

Arsenal are also interested in the Feyenoord defender Bruno Martins Indi and the Schalke midfielder Julian Draxler, though Everton and Chelsea, respectively, will have something to say about those deals.

Possibly the only type of Rumour Mill story more underwhelming than the former player stuff is the backroom staff reshuffle. Fulham want the former Manchester United coach René Meulensteen, but he's off to pick up a few gold bars in Qatar instead, having been offered them, and can you really blame him?

And we end with news that Manchester United are in for the 17-year-old Brazilian striker Bruno Gomes of Desportivo Brasil. By the end of the month, people, don't fret, someone will have made something up in 23 days, we're sure of it.

Manchester UnitedBarcelonaScott Murray
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Sunderland v Manchester United – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Two magnificent goals from the Belgian/Albanian wonderkid Adnan Januzaj turned an otherwise average United performance into a memorable victory. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Manchester City v Everton – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: The last unbeaten record in the Premier League went as City defeated Everton in an entertaining encounter. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Europa League clockwatch – live! | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Victories for Wigan and Swansea on a good night for England in Europe. Scott Murray was meanwhile attempting to write two MBMs at once, with limited success.

Scott Murray

The Fiver: Pre-emptive shifting of All Blame | Scott Murray

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

MR ROY TAKES HART

On Tuesday night, Queen's Celtic came this close to holding Barcelona, a team regarded by some as the greatest of all time, to a goalless draw with 10 men. They didn't quite manage it, but you'd have a brass neck if you were to blame Fraser Forster, who sounds like a legal firm with an in at Ibrox but is in fact the goalkeeper over at Parkhead, for the defeat. His ludicrous late double save from Neymar and Alexis Sánchez scored 9.98 on the Fiver's patented Big Cup Dudekometer, and during the rest of the match he did quite a lot of catching with his hands and clearing with his feet too. It wasn't too far short of a masterclass in keeping goal at the very top level. Queen's Celtic fans could be forgiven for remembering the days of Rab Douglas, wondering what might have been had Forster starred in that 2003 team, and shivering. And crying. Then sighing with relief for the here and now.

Meantime, any Manchester City fans who have ever wondered what it would have been like to watch Rab Douglas week in, week out, will probably have an approximate idea now. For Joe Hart has been a fixture in the goalmouths of the City of Manchester Stadium for some time, skittering around like a clown with oversized shoes wedged onto the wrong feet, laces flapping undone and about to wrap themselves around the spokes of the unicycle he's riding, all accompanied by the baroque trill of the pipe organ. He's definitely going to drop that tray he's carrying, the one with a teetering pyramid of cut-crystal decanters on it! He's also taken to regularly dispatching balls into his own net, as witnessed in last night's display against Bayern Munich, which certainly isn't part of the job spec. Oh Spirit of Rab! How could you!

Truth be told, poor Hart could probably do with a couple of weeks out of the firing line, sitting alone in a darkened room, regulating his breathing patterns, then slowly reacquainting himself with his mojo. There's hope for him yet. But there's no chance of that. For coming soon is Disappointment Week, the Fiver's attempt to manage y'all's expectations just in case England make a royal-standard balls and sack of these crucial World Cup qualifiers against Montenegro and Poland. Current form suggests Forster would be the best bet for the games, but though he's been named in the squad, England middle manager Mr Roy has explicitly stated that Hart will keep goal in both matches.

"In these games we need experience, we need people who are tried and tested and play regularly at the top level," began Mr Roy. "If you look at the goalkeepers we have with those criteria, Hart is clearly the No1," he continued, without touching on why England's second and third choice keepers have only one cap between them. "We're pleased with Fraser, we think he's done really well and I think he's got a great future. But certainly I think it will be a mistake to suggest that he should be given the responsibility of these two vitally important games. The players who have the most experience are the ones who have to make certain that they deserve it and that they are worthy of it in these two games." And so, with no proactive decisions having been made, other than the pre-emptive shifting of All Blame for any future mishaps onto under-pressure players like Hart, Mr Roy was up and off, another day at the office successfully negotiated without too much incriminating fuss.

Full England squad to face Montenegro and Poland: Goalkeepers: Fraser Forster (Queen's Celtic), Joe Hart (Manchester City), John Ruddy (Norwich). Defenders: Leighton Baines (Everton), Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Phil Jones (Manchester United), Chris Smalling (Manchester United), Kyle Walker (Tottenham), Midfielders: Ross Barkley (Everton), Michael Carrick (Manchester United), Tom Cleverley (Manchester United), $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), James Milner (Manchester City), Andros Townsend (Tottenham), Jack Wilshere (Arsenal). Forwards: Jermain Defoe (Tottenham), Rickie Lambert (Southampton), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United), Daniel Sturridge (Liverpool), Daniel Welbeck (Manchester United). Manager, with access to the executive bathroom, key to the stationery cupboard, and a nice comfy seat in the stand: Roy Hodgson

QUOTES OF THE DAY

"He's not 35, look don't tell me Kingson is 35, I'm a doctor, I'm a medical doctor. Kingson is not 35. Where are those who have been promoting this kind of rubbish? He's not 35. Don't tell me Kingson is 35. Does he look 35 to you? Don't tell me Kingson is 35 years old, he's not. The man is definitely 40 years plus … Kingson cannot be 35 years old. What are you telling me?" - The former president of the Ghana FA, Dr Nyaho "I'm a medical doctor" Tamakloe, is apparently not of the opinion that ex-Blackpool goalkeeper Richard Kingson is 35.

FIVER LETTERS

"Donning my pedant sombrero, I hope that Lord Ferg does not take in the Kentucky Derby, The Masters, and the Melbourne Cup "in that order to ensure everything gets done" [yesterday's Fiver]. The Kentucky Derby is almost a month after the Masters" – Señor Bingo, James Galea (and 1,055 other scheduling pedants)

"Having clicked on the first link in yesterday's Still Want More I was most interested to see what the frothier reaches of the internet might have to say about Mesut Ozil's crush on Denis Bergkamp only to find that the Fiver's confusion over the meaning of holding a candle to and carrying a torch for meant it was just a humdrum debate on who is the better footballer" – Dermot McDermott

"Jamie Redknapp was literally mentioned in two fiver letters yesterday. Is that some sort of record? Can we now expect to see a Jamie Redknapp Passim? Literally" – Graham Quick

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our letter o' the day prize is Dermot McDermott, who gets a copy of the newly-updated paperback edition of I Am The Secret Footballer.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Everton fans have voted overwhelmingly for the club's motto "Nil satis nisi optimum" to return the club crest, much to the relief of Liverpool-based tattooist Sharron Caudill, who appears to have been doing a roaring trade with it.

In a move that has generated further publicity for a stunt they have already frowned upon, Uefa has begun disciplinary proceedings against Basel/Basle/Baaaaarl after Greenpeace protesters abseiled from the stadium roof and unveiled a banner objecting to sponsor Gazprom. The banner read: "Gazprom, don't foul the Arctic" and "Free the Arctic 30", wrote the Fiver in a move that has generated further further publicity.

Despite being called up to the Wales squad to face Macedonia and Belgium, Real Madrid's Gareth Bale will play no part in the fixture. "We said all along it is very tough for him to have had no pre-season and be thrown in at the deep end," parped Wales manager Chris Coleman several months into the season and reappropriating the phrase "deep end" to refer to at least one match which is a meaningless World Cup qualifier against the side ranked 75 in the world.

After being unveiled as the new Neftochimik Burgas coach yesterday, Atanas Atanasov packed up his things and quit the post today over "different views and concepts for the development of the team", much to the annoyance of the man who had just finished stencilling his name on his door.

STILL WANT MORE?

It's Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaa!

Join Jacob Steinberg for Anzhi Makakkakakakhachachachkakakala 1-3 Tottenham Hotspur live from 5pm.

Join Scott Murray for AZ 2-1 PAOK Salonika, Genk 0-0 FC Thun, Legia Warsaw 1-0 Apollon Limassol, Liberec 0-2 Estoril, Lyon 2-0 Guimaraes, Tromso 3-3 FC Sheriff, Pacos Ferreira 0-0 Pandurii Targu-Jiu, and many other Euro Vase scores in our clockwatch from 6pm.

Is the 1990-91 Borussia Dortmund shirt the most hipster piece of footballing clothing in existence? Find out in our gallery of readers' retro football shirts.

Arsène Wenger's Nagoya Grampus Eight goodbye, keepers erroneously celebrating goals and Emile Heksey scoring a goal (though not on a pitch, obviously). All in this week's Classic YouTube.

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ON THE HOUSE? WHY THANK YOU, NATALIAScott Murray
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