Scott Murray's Blog, page 214

The Joy of Six: FA Cup first round memories | Scott Murray

Brian Clough shocked by Walton & Hersham, Preston giving Hyde a hiding, Ted McDougall's record and much more besides

1) Brighton and Hove Albion 0-4 Walton & Hersham (November 1973)

Brian Clough enjoyed better fortnights. Week one. Recently ousted as the Derby County manager by the chairman Sam Longson, who had been concerned by the rate at which Clough was opening and closing both his mouth on television and the door of the drinks cabinet in his office, he had taken over at third-tier Brighton & Hove Albion. His new role hadn't stopped him agitating for a return to the Baseball Ground, though, and accordingly he was pulling the strings behind the scenes as the Derby players considered going on strike to demand his reinstatement. But as Clough went through the motions of preparing his new Brighton charges for a first-round FA Cup tie at the Isthmian League side Walton & Hersham, wily new Rams manager Dave Mackay headed his predecessor off at the pass. Mackay demanded loyalty from the Derby squad, in exchange for not booting their sorry arses all about the shop, and a peace agreement was struck. And so on the Saturday, at the end of a tumultuous week of negotiation, Derby drew 0-0 with Leeds, finished the season in third place, and won the title the following year.

To the bonny Surrey commuter town of Walton-on-Thames, then! As Derby and Leeds were playing out their draw, Clough, suddenly and impotently locked into life at Brighton, watched in horror as Walton & Hersham's Dave Bassett began to understand the benefits of long-ball football. The future Wimbledon manager hoicked a clearance straight upfield and into the net, the Brighton keeper Brian Powney flapping under pressure from the Walton striker Russell Perkins. But the "goal" was disallowed, for reasons spurious. Clough spent the match, according to the Observer, "prowling the touchline" and "upsetting the Walton and Hersham fans, who insisted that he 'shut up'." Clough was big enough to admit to being "relieved" to hear the final whistle.

Onwards to week two, and all back to a windy Goldstone Ground on the Wednesday, and one of the great FA Cup humiliations. Perkins had arguably been at fault for the chalking off of Bassett's long blooter on Saturday, so it was fitting that he scored the crucial opener. Frank Keating takes up the story: "On 20 minutes, from Smith's inswinging corner, Lambert Gilzeaned it on at the near post and the rangy Perkins, a PE teacher, almost touched his toes as he bent extravagantly low to bobble the ball over Powney's line off his eyebrows." Brighton had nothing in reply. The score remained the same until eight minutes from the end, whereupon 25-year-old factory engineer Clive Foskett notched a quick-fire hat-trick, to turn a shock into a thrashing and a national shaming for Clough.

To his credit, Clough – who had celebrated the league championship only 18 months previously – warmly congratulated the visiting manager, Allan Batsford, when the final whistle blew. And when, on the Saturday, he saw his side beaten 8-2 at home by Bristol Rovers, he bravely fulfilled a punditry gig on LWT's The Big Match. "There was a lot of speculation as to whether you would turn up today." "Obviously they were wrong and they don't know me."

Not that Clough's response to the defeat was uniformly calm and completely within the nice laws of showbiz. It later transpired that walking beneath the stand after the match, he had heard comedian Eric Sykes, who had links with Walton & Hersham, on the telephone laughing about the result. "I'd laughed my socks off whenever I saw him on TV, and still do when they play the old clips," recalled Clough, "but that afternoon I would have taken sheer delight in punching him. Sykes had never been in greater danger of a smack in the mouth than he was that day."

2) Preston North End 26-0 Hyde (October 1887)

The biggest win in English football history didn't make that big a splash at the time. Looking back, William Sudell's Preston North End were less than two years away from becoming the first champions of the Football League, invincible ones at that, while they were also bang slap in the middle of a record 42-game winning streak. But of course nobody could have known any of that then, and in any case there were some other big winners on the day Preston beat Hyde 26-0 in the first round of the FA Cup: Blackburn Rovers beat Bury 10-0, Accrington thrashed Rossendale 11-0, Notts Rangers spanked Jardines 10-1, Sheffield Heeley trounced Attercliffe 9-0, Crusaders beat the plonkers of Lyndhurst 9-0, and Higher Walton beat Heywood 8-1. The Observer mentioned Preston's win in dispatches, but only in the middle of a long list of these types of big scores, and the only embellishment to the report was that "in the north and midlands the weather was very favourable but a good deal of rain fell in the home district".

It proved to be one for the ages, though, Preston's star striker Jimmy Ross scoring eight times against their Lancastrian rivals. The aforementioned 42-game winning run, an unprecedented business of which the 26-0 win was part, came to an end at the most inopportune moment: the 1888 FA Cup final. Preston turned up to the big game at the Kennington Oval with the blithe swagger of men who considered a 43rd victory in a row to be a certainty. Understandable, really, and not just because of the preposterous streak they were on: they'd scored 49 goals in the six matches required to reach the final - they had followed up that win over Hyde with a 9-1 drubbing of Bolton Wanderers – while West Brom had lost the last two FA Cup finals and were expected to make it a bridesmaid's hat-trick.

So confident were Preston that they asked for their picture to be taken with the cup before kick-off, so their white shirts would be pristine for posterity. The only resulting snap came from referee and FA mandarin Major Francis Marindin, who witheringly replied: "Hadn't you better win it first?" Preston shuffled off muttering, then failed to come up with the goods during a match they dominated in the modern sterile fashion, before succumbing to a late sucker punch from George Woodhall. Preston went away humbled, though to be fair took on board their lesson, for a year later they picked up the FA Cup, adding it to their league title by chillingly dispatching Wolves 3-0.

3) Bournemouth 8-1 Oxford City (November 1970) and Bournemouth 11-0 Margate (November 1971)

Poor old Oxford City. The Isthmian League amateurs came so close to dumping fourth-division Bournemouth out of the 1970-71 FA Cup. They took a 48th-minute lead through Bobby Marcham and held on until five minutes from the end, when Ted McDougall scrambled a desperate equaliser for the league side. "That was just about the only chance the lad had in the game and he took it well," sighed an otherwise delighted Ron Humphries, coach of City, adding: "It's what you expect of a player valued at £50,000." The Bournemouth manager John Bond was less pleased. "Oxford played well," he harrumphed, preparing to deliver the inevitable but, "but we were off form. I am sure we can beat them on our own ground."

Bond's prediction was spot on. Bournemouth walloped Oxford for eight goals, MacDougall hitting a first-half opener before rattling in another five in the second period. Dennis Longhorn and Bert Rowles were also on target, while Mick Hollifield scored Oxford's consolation. Bournemouth were shocked themselves in the second round, bundled out at home 1-0 by non-league Yeovil Town, but MacDougall's double hat-trick was not a bad memory to take away from a brief cup run. Few imagined it would only be the preamble to the story.

Twelve months later, Bournemouth – who had won promotion and managed to keep hold of their star striker – hosted another non-league side in the first round. Southern League side Margate had put them out of the Cup 10 years earlier, with a sensational 3-0 win at Dean Court, but a decade on to the day, found themselves being paid back big time, on the wrong end of an 11-0 rout. MacDougall scored an unprecedented nine. He opened the scoring on two minutes after Margate keeper Chic Brodie dropped the ball at his feet. After adding another three to his personal tally before half time (two headers and a left-foot shot) he pounced on another Brodie mistake on 56 minutes. With a quarter of an hour to go, Brodie only half-saved MacDougall's shot, the ball squeaking over the line. The striker finished off by scoring his third hat-trick of the afternoon during the last 10 minutes, with two headers and a penalty.

Margate were stunned. "This is terrible, I might as well go off," the centre-half Dave Paton told his tormentor early in the second half. ("It's not your fault," replied MacDougall, "you're playing me fairly.") Meanwhile captain Eddie Clayton later revealed that goalkeeper Brodie was "absolutely shattered", and no wonder, this latest blow coming barely a year after his professional career had ended after being knee-capped by a stray dog while minding the net for Brentford at Colchester.

MacDougall, now known by sub-editors worldwide as Mac the Nine, was on the up. Three days after his blitz, he was named in a European All Stars team to take on West Ham United in Geoff Hurst's testimonial match. MacDougall scored in a 4-4 draw, sharing the stage with Eusébio, Uwe Seeler, Jimmy Johnstone, Tommy Gemmell, Jimmy Greaves and Rodney Marsh. It was his 29th goal of the season.

By the time the first round came about the following season, MacDougall had joined Manchester United in a £200,000 deal. He scored on his Old Trafford debut against Birmingham, but manager Frank O'Farrell was not long for his job, and new manager Tommy Docherty quickly shipped the striker out. McDougall eventually made good in the top flight with Norwich City, but his five hat-tricks (!) in two first-round games (!!!) a year apart (!!!!!) would remain his crowning achievement.

4) Aldershot 4-2 Alvechurch (November 1971)

The amateurs of Oxford City would have been forgiven for thinking TO HELL WITH THIS after having their hopes crushed by MacDougall and Bournemouth. But they didn't, they battled on, and the following season wrote another page of the ever-lengthening existential text that details the glorious futility of football.

While MacDougall was battering in his nine goals against Margate in the first round of the 1971-72 FA Cup, City and fellow part-timers Alvechurch were playing the fourth replay of their fourth qualifying round tie. The teams had already drawn 2-2 at Alvechurch's Lye Meadow, 1-1 at City's White House ground, 1-1 at Birmingham City's St Andrew's, and 0-0 at Oxford United's Manor Ground. This game would also end 0-0, requiring a fifth tie to be held two days later at Villa Park.

A single goal finally settled it: on 18 minutes, City keeper Peter Harris fumbled a soft Bobby Hope header into the net off his hand and heel. But any joy Alvechurch felt at coming out on top in the longest FA Cup tie of all time – Villa chairman Doug Ellis bowled into the changing rooms with a couple of bottles of champagne on – was short lived. They were knackered: as Alvechurch's Graham Allner told the Guardian years later, they had played City "six times in less than three weeks – Saturday, Tuesday, Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, Monday – and four of those games went to extra time. Plus we had a league game in between, and we all had full-time jobs as well."

And it showed in their first-round match against Aldershot, played a mere two days after the completion of the FA Cup's greatest marathon. Having taken 11 hours to earn the right to play in the competition proper, it took them only four minutes to fall behind, Murray Brodie plunging the knife. Brodie twisted it 10 minutes later, and though Kevin Palmer pulled one back, an own goal by captain John Hunt gave Aldershot a 3-1 half-time lead. Former Saint John Sydenham made it 4-1, before on 82 minutes the story ended on a futile but pleasurable high: Hope, the man and indeed the concept which had brought Alvechurch so far, gave the scoreline, and his brave club, some deserved respectability.

5) Chorley 3-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers (November 1986)

There were an awful lot of famous old names in the first-round draw for the 1986-87 FA Cup, and not many were having a good time. Preston North End won their tie 5-1, it's true, but they did so at the expense of two-times winners Bury. Blackpool, stars of the most storied final of all, were dumped out 3-0 by Middlesbrough. Four-times Cup winners Bolton required three matches to scrape past Halifax Town. And Burnley, finalists only 24 years before and league champions a mere 26 years earlier, were whipped 3-0 at non-league Telford.

Normally Burnley's abject humiliation would have been the main talking point, but Wolverhampton Wanderers were at their nadir, too, and they'd won the League Cup as a First Division side only six years earlier. The reconstruction of their Molineux Street stand had set off a disastrous chain of financial events which whistled the club right down to the basement in three straight seasons. Their first-ever appearance in the FA Cup first round, in 1985 as a Third Division team, saw them battered 6-0 at Rotherham United. Now they were in the Fourth and testing the waters again.

A trip to Bolton's Burnden Park to play non-league Chorley shouldn't have been much of a problem, but Graham Turner's side were fortunate to escape with a 1-1 draw. The replay back at Molineux offered the 1960 FA Cup winners the chance of saving face, and it looked on when Matt Forman scored a spectacular header. But Paul Moss sprung the offside trap and chipped home to secure the non-leaguers a second draw.

Back to Burnden, and when on 15 minutes Wolves keeper Vince Bartram flew rashly out of his area to clear a loose ball and was rounded by Charlie Cooper, the jig was up. Mark Edwards made it two on the hour, and Cooper trickled in another to set up a second-round tie with Preston. (They'd take North End to a replay, before being battered 5-0).

As for Wolves, it was opprobrium o'clock! Under the headline FOOLS GOLD, manager Turner told the Mirror: "I could see it coming. We've had three chances to beat Chorley, but they were too strong physically for us. It was men against boys, and we were lucky to lose only 3-0." Their legendary skipper Billy Wright peered into a bleak future. "The club has no money to buy young players, good ones won't join a Fourth Division team, and if they sign old ones there is no long-term future."

Turner wasn't giving up the ghost quite yet, though, and responded to Wolves' toothless display by signing West Brom reserve Steve Bull. The great thing about a nadir? The only way is up.

6) Manchester United 1-2 Liverpool (January 1921)

The first round of the FA Cup was obviously a different beast back in the day, but this remains the only time the country's two biggest clubs have met at the earliest stage of the world's oldest cup competition, so here we are. There wasn't a whole lot between the teams as they prepared to do battle at Anfield: four points separated them in the First Division table, while in five hours and 20 minutes of league and Lancashire Cup action the previous season, they had managed the grand total of one goal apiece. Sure enough, the game ended in a 1-1 draw, though it seems to be a minor miracle that the score remained so low.

Liverpool flew out of the blocks, but it was United who took the lead on 25 minutes, Tom Miller taking up a pass from George Bissett, beating two men, and skelping a daisycutter into the net from the edge of the box. Miller, needless to say, had just joined United from Liverpool. Eight minutes later, Harry Chambers battered a volley past John Mew in the United goal to level the scoreline at 1-1. Which is how it remained, though Albert Pearson hit the post for Liverpool, while Miller and Ted Partridge both missed close-range chances for United in the second half.

To the replay at Old Trafford four days later, and here's the Manchester Guardian attempting to do in a thousand words what LS Lowry later managed with a few cartoon squiggles. "The weather yesterday was a sample of Manchester's worst, but thousands of men, who had no hope of boarding a tramcar, trudged through dirty streets and heavy rain to Old Trafford, determined that no discomfort should keep them from watching the replayed tie between Manchester United and Liverpool. In all, 29,189 paid £2,706 to become spectators of a game played in rain on a ground so wet that often when the ball dropped there was a big splash."

The game proved farcical, with passes often failing to reach their intended destination. "It would not have been surprising had the game been postponed," continued our dripping hack, "but in these days of congested fixture cards, a stoppage of the money-making machine of professional football is rarely considered." Having proved that it was ever thus, he concluded the point with a comic flourish: "A game that would probably have been a brilliant affair on a dry ground was reduced to a test of ability in mudlarking."

Liverpool proved the better scavengers. United tried to manhandle Elisha Scott, ball and all, over the line early doors, but the big keeper wasn't having it. He did have to venture into the net soon after, though, as Partridge picked up a Billy Harrison ball from the right and battered it into the net. United went in at the break a goal up, but they had been playing towards the Stretford End, which was less of a quagmire, and in the second half Liverpool took advantage of the firmer ground, winning a corner from which Bill Lacey headed an equaliser after 56 minutes, then scoring what proved to be the winner on 63 minutes through Chambers. Although a Partridge shot clipped the Liverpool bar, United had little response.

The sodden masses in the Stretford End trudged off into the grim evening, thoroughly depressed. If only someone could have told them United wouldn't lose in the FA Cup to Liverpool for another 85 years, one month, and six days. That would have kept them warm on the miserable walk home.

FA CupScott Murray
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Champions League: 10 talking points from the midweek action

Old(er) heads key for Arsenal, Fellaini fails and a Wolves reject condemns Roberto Mancini to another painful defeat

1) Arsenal's experience proves decisive

One of Arsène Wenger's post-match comments, after the inspiring 1-0 away win over Borussia Dortmund, slipped largely under the radar. "If we had a very young team tonight, you would be overrun and lose by a very high score," the Arsenal manager said. As it was, he had an experienced team, one reinforced by the key signings from recent summers. There was a time when Wenger offered the impression that he found experience overrated; that the polishing of young diamonds was what drove him. The summer of 2011 signalled a different emphasis, with Per Mertesacker and Mikel Arteta among those to come in while, the following year, there was Santi Cazorla and Olivier Giroud. All four played their part against Dortmund, in a starting team whose average age was 27. Mertesacker, in particular, was immense. The young guns live on, with the youngest, Aaron Ramsey, scoring the winning goal. But this was a seasoned performance from Arsenal, marked by defensive stability and sound decision-making. In some respects, it was the display that Wenger hoped for when he changed direction in the transfer market. David Hytner

• Match report: Borussia Dortmund 0-1 Arsenal

• Wenger hails players after 'huge' Dortmund result

• Michael Cox: defensive diligence key for Arsenal

• In pictures: the best images from Arsenal's victory

2) Hazard's fate shows dangers of bad timekeeping

This was a night when Chelsea basked in a Champions League revival, all that angst generated by Basel's win in west London in September forgotten, with the team now a point from guaranteeing progress. Yet there was also a timely reminder that José Mourinho will not tolerate indiscipline in this team's brave new world. If five of the six changes the Portuguese made to his lineup from the defeat at Newcastle were influenced by events on Tyneside – Fernando Torres's was enforced – then Eden Hazard's omission actually owed more to poor time-keeping. The Belgian had returned to Lille on Sunday night as a guest of his former club, watching his ex team-mates win 2-0 to leapfrog their money-flushed visitors Monaco in Ligue 1. He had been due back on Monday morning for Chelsea's training session ahead of the Schalke game but only reappeared in Cobham at around lunchtime. Club and manager rather closed ranks on the subject on Wednesday night, Mourinho referring to the 22-year-old as "a kid" and that kids "make mistakes". Yet it was the follow-up that was more intriguing. "He was sad because he didn't play," he said, "and we won without him." Given how ruthless the manager has been at any slight dip in form, demonstrated by David Luiz and Juan Mata to date this term, Hazard may have to display some patience in the days ahead. Others, notably Willian, have staked their claim for a place against West Bromwich Albion. In the short term, missing a Eurostar could well prove costly. Dominic Fifield

• Hazard misses defeat of Schalke after skipping training

• Match report: Chelsea 3-0 Schalke

• In pictures: the best images from Stamford Bridge

• Barney Ronay: Eto'o shows what he can still offer Chelsea

3) Will Milan be back?

Before the game, the Barcelona coach Tata Martino had noted that Barcelona were in "crisis". It was meant as an ironic dig at the famous entorno that surrounds the club – that swirl of pressure, politics and criticism, in which nothing is ever good enough. On the other side of Barcelona's 3-1 win, there was a glimpse of a real crisis. Up in Milan's directors' box, Barbara Berlusconi and the director general for whose head she has called, Adriano Galliani, sat side by side but were a world apart. The greeting between the two was cold and Galliani sought solace in conversations with his Catalan hosts. On the pitch, there were glimpses from Kaká and, when he came on, Mario Balotelli. But Robinho had little influence and the sense of decline, already building in previous years, was inescapable. At times, there was a melancholy to it; this game did not really capture imaginations as it should have done. The seven-times winners of this competition are unlikely to make an impact this season. Already 19 points behind leaders Roma in Italy, they may not even be back next year. Sid Lowe

• Match report: Barcelona 3-1 Milan

4) Missing Hooper

As Gary Hooper struggles to make a positive impact at Norwich City, Celtic are enduring similar problems without their former centre-forward. Neil Lennon recruited Amido Balde and Teemu Pukki after Hooper's summer departure. Neither forward was deemed worthy of a start against Ajax while Anthony Stokes, who was in the XI, lacks the quality to score regularly at the top level. It may well have been more legitimate for Celtic to sign one striker of a higher standard for the combined outlay on Balde and Pukki. A failure to convert chances and over-reliance on certain players for goals has been apparent in Celtic's domestic displays. In the Champions League, that problem is merely magnified. It could fatally undermine their knockout hopes. Ewan Murray

• Celtic fans clash with Dutch police in Amsterdam

• Match report: Ajax 1-0 Celtic

5) Ill-fitting Fellaini fails

One positive Ashley Young did provide for Manchester United at Real Sociedad was to lessen the scrutiny on another subdued display from Marouane Fellaini. David Moyes's one notable summer signing looked short of confidence prior to collecting the first red card of his United career, with the £27.5m midfielder's passing often cautious or careless and his tackling flirting with trouble between his first and second bookings of the night. At Everton, he flourished as the big hairy fish in a smaller pond. At United he has yet to show the same composure, authority or threat and where he fits into the champions' line-up remains uncertain. Andy Hunter

• Match report: Real Sociedad 0-0 Manchester United

• Young expected to be warned again about diving by Moyes

6) Nasri has rediscovered his sparkle

The sight of a Samir Nasri bewitching a clutch of CSKA Moscow players in their area during the opening half of Manchester City's 5-2 win was the latest proof of the Frenchman's resurgence. In tandem with David Silva, Nasri has recaptured the form that helped take City to the title two years ago, with the playmaker speaking before the game about how content he is with life again.

So far, Nasri has outshone all of his stellar team-mates bar the ever brilliant Sergio Agüero to make a case for being the club's best player. This follows last term when his disquiet was emblematic of the lost season at City which ended pot-less and with a disgruntled and disenchanted squad. The X-factor in all of this is Roberto Mancini. The Italian led the club to the FA Cup and a first championship in 44 years, so he departed a winner. But when it came to a decision between the manager or players, the owners made the correct choice by removing Mancini for Manuel Pellegrini. Nasri, alone, is evidence of that. Jamie Jackson

• Match report: Manchester City 5-2 CSKA Moscow

• Jamie Jackson: Agüero and Negredo epitomise new trend

• Paul Wilson: City have replaced United as bogeymen

7) Are Juventus Italy's best shot at glory?

Serie A has been a pale shadow of itself for the best part of 15 years now, though there's still been three Italian victories in the Champions League since then. You wouldn't put too much money on Napoli or Milan reaching the business end of this year's tournament. You wouldn't put ludicrous amounts on Juve making it, either, though providing they negotiate their way out of the group past Copenhagen and Galatasaray, they're perhaps Italy's best bet to go deep in the knockout stage. They've now gone toe to toe twice with Real Madrid, a team with genuine Champions League winning pretensions, and acquitted themselves admirably. The defence may not be quite up to classic Italian standards, but as attack-minded quintets go, Fernando Lllorente, Carlos Tevez, Claudio Marchisio, Arturo Vidal and the increasingly impressive Paul Pogba aren't half bad. Especially with Andrea Pirlo pulling the strings, and Fabio Quagliarella straining at the leash on the bench. An outside chance, especially if they get a friendly draw or two. And it's about time Italy bothered the roll of honour again. Scott Murray

• Match report: Juventus 2-2 Real Madrid

8) Wake-up call for 'average' PSG

Laurent Blanc's team lost their 100% record on Tuesday night but that was perhaps no bad thing. Group C has been a little too easy for the French team so far, and the setback against an average team will have made the players realise that they will have to perform better if they have the desire to go all the way this season. Average, indeed, was the word Blanc chose to describe his own team after the 1-1 draw. "I wouldn't say there was a lack of desire or investment. We were too average in all areas," he told RMC. "We had a lot of technical errors, which hasn't happened for some time. Despite this, we still created a lot of opportunities, so we also showed some clumsiness in front of goal. It reminds us that before talking about a win or how many goals we will score, we have to win it on the pitch, and tonight, Paris were too average to win." The good news for Blanc was another goal from Zlatan Ibrahimovic, his 10th in Europe for the club a mere 15 months since moving there. Marcus Christenson

• Match report: Paris Saint-Germain 1-1 Anderlecht

9) Solbakken leaves ghost of Luton behind

There cannot have been many Wolves fans who mourned the departure of Stale Solbakken when the Norwegian was sacked by the club 10 months ago after a run of three wins in 16 games and a shock FA Cup exit at the hands of non-league Luton Town. Yet on Tuesday night, that very man raised his hands to the skies and hugged his assistants as the final whistle at Parken confirmed that his FC Copenhagen had beaten Roberto Mancini's Galatasaray to move level with the Turkish club in second place in Group B.

The main difference between Solbakken's Wolves side and his Copenhagen can probably best be summed up by the fact that the Danish side's players seem to believe in the manager's methods, whereas that did not always seem to be the case at Molineux. "This was the best match I have seen this team play since I came back here as coach [in August]," Solbakken told uefa.com after the match against Galatasaray. "We did everything right throughout and stuck to our gameplan. In general I think we were in control and we won deservedly. Our entire team did extremely well." Next up? Juventus away. MC

• Match report: FC Copenhagen 1-0 Galatasaray

10) Hulk profligate against former club

Hulk's €40m move to Zenit St Petersburg was quite the boost to Porto's coffers, yet they've benefited even further since his transfer. The killer instinct that earned him such a wild price tag seems to have left him following his move to Russia and despite playing well on his Champions League return to Porto earlier this season, he still managed to miss a gilt-edged chance against his formed club in a tight 1-0 win. On Wednesday night, he was profligate again. Though he scored a 28th-minute equaliser, he also missed a second-half penalty that would have won Zenit the game and all but sealed his side's qualification to the knockout stages at Porto's expense. For Porto, it's the transfer that keeps on paying. Tom Bryant

• Match report: Zenit St Petersburg 1-1 Porto

Champions LeagueFC CopenhagenGalatasarayParis Saint-GermainManchester UnitedMarouane FellainiSamir NasriJuventusBarcelonaMilanAjaxCelticArsenalBorussia DortmundAtlético MadridZenit St PetersburgEden HazardMarcus ChristensonAndy HunterSid LoweDavid HytnerEwan MurrayJamie JacksonTom BryantDominic FifieldScott Murray
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Champions League: Borussia Dortmund v Arsenal - as it happened | Scott Murray

Aaron Ramsey scores! Is this even news any more? He seals a stunning rope-a-dope victory for Arsenal against a misfiring Dortmund

Scott Murray

Champions League: Juventus v Real Madrid - as it happened | Scott Murray

Champions League: A four-goal thriller puts Real within touching distance of the knockout stage. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver: The New Republic O'Ireland Coaching Team | Scott Murray

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

CALL THE COPS!

According to Shortbread McFiver, the Fiver's stereotypical Scottish cousin who has been drinking for a bit, the most significant achievement in international football since 1967, when Scotland became world champions, is Scotland's famous victory in the 2006 Kirin Cup. But the next most significant achievement on the world stage during that time - he adds between eager mouthfuls of Fistfight, the refreshing 63.8% ABV blended-whisky-flavoured product available in all good hardware stores - is Scotland's recent astonishing run of two victories in a row. Two! Scotland! Count 'em!

Tiresome pedants may point to Spain's current record of three consecutive major titles and 29 unbeaten competitive matches, but let's look at the bigger picture here, because Shortbread has a point. Scotland's blistering two-win sequence has seen them leap from 63rd in the world rankings to number 35, and according to our cousin it's all down to giving the manager's job to an occasionally irate man with a wild look in his eye who the players might possibly not want to cross.

He's been locked out in the garden shouting about this for nearly three weeks now, along with some stuff about Craig Levein that is almost certainly actionable. And you know what? We think his cousin from over the briny, Theme Pub O'Fiver, has been lugging in, taking notes and passing them on to his pals at the FAI. For today it was announced, sort of, that Martin O'Neill and Roy Keane will be confirmed as the new Republic O'Ireland coaching team this weekend. "We have had a detailed discussion with Martin and Roy for some time," confirmed the FAI's manic-street-preaching chief executive John Delaney today. "I don't see any impediment to it being confirmed. By Saturday we hope to unveil our new management team."

The involvement of Delaney notwithstanding, this could be a genius move by the FAI. Here's why. Ireland's next two fixtures are friendlies later this month against Poland and Latvia. Now, if our understanding of the Fifa ranking system is correct, which it almost certainly is, by having two no-nonsense men with trenchant views regarding effort and attitude in charge as opposed to Scotland's one, a pair of wins in those matches should see Ireland catapult not 28 but 56 places up the table. That'll see Ireland to number four in the world, just behind Spain, Germany and Argentina, and the players won't need much persuading to push on and polish those clowns off if Martin narrows his eyes slightly or Keano starts breathing heavily through his nose.

The sky's the limit, then. Of course, in the interests of balance, we should point out that there are question marks. O'Neill and Keane's Bad Cop/Cop Who Should Probably Be Investigated By An Independent Commission act may not go down well with the more sensitive members of the Irish squad; it's difficult after all to play football when curled up in the foetal position crying quite a lot. The pair's recent record, at Sunderland and Ipswich respectively, doesn't bear much scrutiny, so best not pull threads there. And it'll be interesting to see how the obsessively professional Keane reacts should Delaney's brogues go rogue again while he is out for a quick walk amongst his people.

Delaney, though, is confident there will be no problems on that score. "Roy and I would not have had much contact in the past. We met last week and there were no problems whatsoever," he told Irish radio station O'Newstalk. "The meeting was absolutely brilliant from my point of view and I think from his as well. It was all about the future, not about the past." Sounds as though an agreement has been reached, presumably with the notorious perfectionist Keane's non-negotiable demands being met: a shiny new set of training cones, the roundest and bounciest footballs money can buy and an ankle tag for Delaney so he can't leave the hotel on away trips. Watch out, Scotland! Watch out, Spain!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It's not just about the sports, it's about TV, it's about the arts, it's about creating opportunities for young children and giving children the opportunity to become better people, better personalities and giving them a good chance in life" - David Beckham spreads his arms and gives it the full Michael Jackson (not in that way) upon beating the Fiver to the much coveted role of ambassador to the Sky Academy. And to think we even had a pyramid of Ferrero Rochers ready to go on a tray.

FIVER LETTERS - NOW WITH PRIZES (UNTIL WE RUN OUT OF PRIZES)

"Re: Unilever's new partnership with Manchester United. Considering the great pile of dirty laundry that their former manager recently aired in public, aren't they a week or two late in announcing their new role as Care and Laundry Partner of Wayne Rooney's grundies?" - Justin Kavanagh.

"Re: the Fiver's decision to award prizes for a while. As lovely as it is, I'm not sure I want a copy of Football Manager 2014. In my current game of Football Manager 2007, the year is 2014 and Danny Haynes partners Luke Moore up front for England. And even though they're not the best two centre backs I have, I still play Anton Ferdinand and John Terry together just because I can. I'm not sure I want to go back to a world where that isn't true" - Phil Pierce.

"Re: Ben Graham's Etien Velikonja pedantry (yesterday's Fiver Letters). May I be one of the 1,057 pedants to point out that as the Macclesfield game was over 15 months ago, both statements about Cardiff City's Slovenian misfit can in fact be true?" - Glyn Thomas.

"Yesterday's Fiver Letters may well be the best that the Fiver has ever produced: one letter correcting the Fiver, one letter correcting someone else correcting the Fiver, and one person producing a hitherto unknown footballing rule. Excellent work everyone involved" - James Willetts.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our letter o'the day is: Justin Kavanagh, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2014, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We'll have another one to give away tomorrow, so if you haven't been lucky thus far, keep trying. Let's face it, the standard's snakebelly low and it's not like it takes much winning.

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BITS AND BOBS

Fernando Torres will miss Chelsea's emphatic Big Cup win over Schalke 04 tomorrow night with thigh-knack.

Norwich City have been fined £20,000 after admitting a charge of failing to control their players during their Premier League match against Cardiff last month.

In other news from the FA naughty step, Fulham full-back Sascha Riether will accept a violent conduct charge for wiping his feet on ickle Adnan Januzaj, 11 , during his side's defeat at the hands of Manchester United last weekend.

In the wake of his noggin's collision with Romalu Lukaku's knee on Sunday afternoon, Tottenham Hotspur goalkeeper Hugo Lloris will have to name the French prime minister and count how many fingers a doctor is waving in front of his face before being passed fit to play against Sheriff in Euro Vase.

Easyjet have confirmed that a plane carrying CSKA Moscow fans to Manchester on Sunday was diverted to Copenhagen so the pilot could eject seven tired and emotional passengers suffering from drinks trolley-knack.

And Brown Panther, the plucky wonder-horse owned and bred by former England footballer L'il Mickey Owen, finished a none-too-shabby eighth in the Melbourne Cup, despite getting clattered by a rival mid-race and picking up an injury that required stitches.

STILL WANT MORE?

Borussia Dortmund's Serbian defender Neven Subotic speaks with an Amercian accent despite having a name that conjures up images of a German u-boat. Find out why in this interview.

With his contract at Spartak Moscow nearly up, Republic O'Ireland winger Aiden McGeady spoke to Ewan Murray about life in Moscow and to remind assorted Premier League clubs that he still exists.

Our Football Weekly podcast went on the road to Swansea this week, prompting several moany subscribers with a breath-taking sense of entitlement to complain about both the quality and tardiness of free stuff that nobody forces them to listen to. Tune in here.

Former England international John Barnes knows more than most about being racially abused in football grounds, so you could do a lot worse than read what he has to say about it here.

And proper journalism's Owen Gibson wrote this article about concussion, the latest craze that's sweeping the Premier League. We'd pithily summarise it here, but we just headbutted a wall and can't remember a thing about it.

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MISTER MISTER, FOR ALL YOUR EAR WORM NEEDSScott Murray
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Arsenal v Liverpool – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Another Aaron Ramsey screamer was the highlight of a comprehensive win by the Gunners over an out-of-sorts Liverpool. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Newcastle United v Chelsea – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: A strangely out-of-sorts Chelsea were blown away by a superb second-half performance from Newcastle. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | A totally unacceptable moustache

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

PO' CARDIFF! PO' Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch FIVER!

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver has been in an excitable mood all week. With the South Wales derby coming up on Sunday, our patronising stereotype, our Cymraeg cousin, has spent the last few days working himself up into a patriotic froth by eating plate after plate of cheese on toast, mainlining pints like Dylan Thomas, singing songs about quarrying in close harmony before starting to cry, and watching the old HTV ident on constant loop. He's not feeling very well. Not feeling very well at all. Po' Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver! Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver's a-cold!

Not only that, his left eye appears to be spinning around, while the right one is going up and down. And he's claiming to already know the result of the match. He says the final score is Swansea City 643, Cardiff City -874. Hmm, not casting aspersions on the man, but we're not totally sure about that. Cardiff are playing at home, for a start. But he's also saying that the scoreline is taken from careful readings made with his Righteousnessanddignityometer™, and has been ratified by the pools panel. We'll level with you, readers, he's been eating some pretty pungent cheddar and drinking quite a lot. Nevertheless, if he's right, that's our Sunday afternoon's entertainment spoiled. What's on the other side? Songs of Praise? Nah. Downton Abbey? Seen it. I suppose we could watch BBC2 and pretend to enjoy cycling, like everyone else in Britain has been doing for the last two years.

Though now we come to think about it, the scoreline certainly rings true. For today yet another indignity has been visited upon Po' Cardiff. The increasingly ludicrous Vincent Tan has already hidden the first-team kit and forced the players to cavort around in the only stuff he claims is in the spares box. He's sacked manager Malky Mackay's head of recruitment, Iain Moody, and replaced him with family friend Alisher Apsalyamov, 6. It's been suggested Tan's been trying to pass tactical messages to Mackay from the stands during matches. And, Movember notwithstanding, we don't like his moustache. But now it's been revealed that he's really gone too far, having signed the Slovenian striker Etien Velikonja back in July 2012 without Mackay's prior approval. Yes, that's totally unacceptable, isn't it? It's a totally unacceptable moustache.

Mackay clearly doesn't fancy the player, though. Costing the club £1.7m, Velikonja has played 73 minutes of football in 15 months and has only lasted the 90 minutes in one game, last season's FA Cup humiliation at Macclesfield. It means he's cost the club £10,000 for every minute he's played so far, which isn't up to Bébé levels, but still, come on. When asked about the situation today, Mackay simply let out a long hiss of steam almost inaudible to the human ear. Happily, scientists from Tefal's kettle department have translated it thus: "I am not going to talk about individual players and the recruitment of individual players. I am here and will answer anything you want concerning Sunday, it's too big a day for me and our football club and players in terms of everything that goes with it for me to start the background noise." Yet again, Mackay is reacting to an increasingly embarrassing situation with a brave face. Whether he can maintain that calm facade upon hearing the final score is another matter.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The player has been punished for what he did. We have high moral grounds. We take information about the moral level of the player and when there is any moral restriction we do not buy the player" – Arsène Wenger insists he'd have had no problem if Arsenal's summer bid for Luis Suárez had gone through, suggesting moral levels are pretty low at the Emirates.

FIVER LETTERS

"What is it with Premier League clubs' infatuation with Hollywood stars and this bizarre notion of appointing them as their actual managers? Chelsea had a short-lived and disappointing dalliance with Gene Hackman a few years' back. Is it any coincidence that Man City's underwhelming start to the current season involves Bela Lugosi impersonator, Martin Landau at the helm?" – Gerry Wall.

"Can I be the first of 1,057 pedants to insist that henceforth, should the Fiver ever feel compelled to mention the 'World Series' of rounders (yesterday's Fiver), such mention be made in parentheses as illustrated. I can explain why, using diagrams and very small words, if the Fiver needs help understanding" – Thabo Mokaleng (and no others).

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Double rollover. Lucky, then, that the very kind people at Football Manager Towers have given us some of these to give away from Monday …

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RECOMMENDED VIEWING

'Sepp's had more gaffes than a C0ckney landlord' – it's AC Jimbo and his Euro papers review.

BITS AND BOBS

Tranmere Rovers' 24-year-old midfielder Joe Thompson has been diagnosed with cancer. "Joe is a fantastic young man and he will be missed around Prenton Park while he has treatment," said boss Ronnie Moore.

Joe Hart has been dropped by Man City boss Manuel Pellegrini for tomorrow's game at home to Norwich. "I can't answer for him how disappointed [he is]," parped Pellegrini before news of Hart's axe emerged. "All of you saw what happened [against Chelsea]."

Hibernian have given manager Pat Fenlon the boot.

Martin O'Neill looks set to win the one-horse race for the vacant Republic O'Ireland job.

And nepotism news: a multi-millionaire has secured his son some work at a well-known multinational institution.

STILL WANT MORE?

Barry Glendenning and Scott Murray pick 10 things to watch out for in the Premier League this weekend, including Paul Lambert's Hi Viz army.

This week's Joy of Six is a beauty: raising a glass to caretaker managers.

Danny Last kindly gives us access to his Instagram account [the SFW images at least – Fiver Ed], in this week's Beautiful Games gallery.

And in edition No260 of You are the Ref, Leighton Baines stars alongside a fan hurling a matchday programme at the ball in a desperate, but maverick goalline clearance.

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'WHAT'S YO' ZODIAC SIGN?'Scott Murray
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The Joy of Six: caretaker managers | Scott Murray

From European Cup-winning Tony Barton to unlikely World Cup hero Mário Zagallo: half-a-dozen caretakers who made a mark

1) Tony Barton (Aston Villa)

The Aston Villa chief scout Tony Barton was heading home one evening in early February 1982 when he turned on the car radio. Puncturing the sweet MOR sounds of drivetime was some shocking news: his gaffer Ron Saunders had flounced out of the club as a result of a contract impasse with chairman Ron Bendall. Saunders left for Birmingham City, and Villa were still trying to get back the keys of his club Merc several months later.

But we race ahead of ourselves. When Barton got home, the phone rang. It was a flustered Bendall, asking him to take temporary charge of the team. Hardly anyone outside Villa Park knew who Barton was, though he came with good credentials: he had been the man who had identified half of the 1980-81 title-winning talent – Jimmy Rimmer, Kenny Swain, Colin Gibson, Ken McNaught, Peter Withe, Des Bremner and Tony Morley.

Villa had been struggling in the League. The reigning champions were 15th in the table, six points off the relegation places, and had just been battered 4-1 at Manchester United when Saunders stormed off. Barton quickly turned things round. By the start of April, Villa had lost only three games in 12 under his tutelage, and made it to the semi-finals of the European Cup. He was offered a £20,000-a-year permanent contract, and any car of his choice. Providing it was British. The Villa board, having had their fingers burnt by Saunders, presumably came to the conclusion that the thing would fall apart within 12 months anyway, so it would not matter whether they ever got the keys back or not.

Villa won their first four games under Barton's permanent yoke, and the fifth, a goalless draw at Anderlecht, saw the club reach their first European Cup final. Which of course they won, Barton's protégé Withe scoring the goal that beat Bayern Munich to club football's biggest prize. But Barton never quite shook off the whiff of stopgap appointment, the programme for that Rotterdam final speaking volumes: it omitted his name, instead giving Villa's manager as kitman Roy McLaren. He (Barton, not McLaren) was given the courtesy of a couple of full seasons, but couldn't escape mid-table. He eventually copped for the sack at the end of 1983/84. He took the bus home, we're guessing.

2) Alf Ramsey (Birmingham City)

Birmingham City had only just escaped relegation in 1976/77, so when they opened the following season with five straight defeats, including a League Cup humiliation at home to Notts County of the Second Division, the jig was up for manager Willie Bell. He was sent packing, whereupon a few resting big-name managers were immediately linked with the post: Jack Charlton, formerly of Middlesbrough, Bill McGarry, once of Ipswich and Wolves, and Jimmy Bloomfield, erstwhile Leicester boss. One name, though, was biggest of all: Sir Alf Ramsey, league title winner at Ipswich, World Cup champion with England, and board director at Birmingham City.

Ramsey had taken up the offer of a light reintroduction to club life with the Blues board in 1976, a couple of years after being given the heave-ho by the mandarins at the Football Association, having become thoroughly bored with the gardening. He was glad to have some involvement in football again.

"The longer I have stayed out of it, the more I have missed it," he explained upon taking the position, before rather deliciously making it clear to the press pack: "But I haven't missed you."

In the wake of Bell's departure, it was obvious that Ramsey would be asked to take temporary control of the team "until a new appointment is made. I don't want to get back into league management full time." True to form, he immediately dropped Birmingham's wingers, Gary Jones and John Connolly, and the side picked up their first points of the season in a 2-1 win at Middlesbrough, Trevor Francis scoring twice.

Alf might have favoured pragmatism over romance, but he enjoyed a honeymoon period with Birmingham nonetheless. His first 10 matches ended in six wins and two draws, a 14-point run which took City from rock bottom to mid-table comfort. During that period, he resigned his position on the board and took up a job as "consultant", responsible for running the affairs of both club and team, and with a view to appointing the next manager. Buoyed by results, he was confident enough in his own skin to inform Birmingham's Scottish contingent that he was aware they "hated" him for his signature achievement with England 11 years earlier.

"Well, I have news for you, I fucking hate you lot even more," was the punchline, taken in good humour, of Alf's tinder-dry banter (the concept having yet to be totally devalued to the point of worthlessness by Saturday morning TV hosts, newspaper sidebar writers, and Twitter).

But results tailed off, most notably during a goal-free five-game run before Christmas. Birmingham won at Manchester United in the new year, Francis beating three men to score a goal of individual note at Old Trafford. Francis then wrapped up a 3-2 win at Liverpool. But these would be the final notable victories of a great man's managerial career. A row developed with Francis, who wanted a transfer to "a club which shows signs of ambition". He fined the player for going public with his criticisms of the club, causing folk to wonder whether he had lost his touch, and the singular talent for man-management which had kept his England camp so tight during the Sixties.

"His style has changed from that of the man who was seldom out of a tracksuit with his England players," suggested a profile in Guardian Weekend. "Now he leaves training in the hands of the coach, Ken Oliver, and his involvement is limited to picking the team, holding the team meeting on Friday morning, and handling the matches themselves. The closeness to his players, which bred such loyalty from the England team, is now gone."

In early March, Birmingham lost 4-0 at Coventry, and when Ramsey announced his resignation soon after, it was assumed he'd taken the blame for the heavy defeat. But a parting of the ways had in fact been agreed a fortnight earlier, and it turned out he had been a pal of the players after all. Despite fining Francis for his insubordination, behind the scenes he had agreed to place the striker on the transfer list. City's board sanctioned the move, then made a U-turn fearing a backlash from the fans. Ramsey, incensed at having to go back on his word, gave the club two weeks' notice.

"I have never walked out on anyone," was the top line of Alf's valedictory statement. "I have no regrets."

Francis would have to wait a while for his transfer, though he would eventually get away to Nottingham Forest, where he would go on to win the European Cup. Alf, meanwhile, had left Birmingham in a slightly better place than he found them, fifth from bottom, successor Jim Smith able to keep them up. Alf went home to Ipswich, the garden again, and the quiet life.

3) Joe Mercer (England)

The England national team has had only four caretaker managers. Three of them are best quietly forgotten about. Howard Wilkinson's selection gave France their first-ever win at Wembley in 1999, a performance that made the appointment of Kevin Keegan seem a good idea. He took over again a year later in the wake of Keegan's teary departure; the resulting 0-0 in Finland is best forgotten, and it soon was, fans understandably choosing instead to concentrate on stand-in Peter Taylor's decision to send on Seth Johnson (who in fairness almost equalised) during a futile defeat in Italy a month later. And then there's tactical free spirit Stuart Pearce just before Euro 2012. Yes, well, y'know, though in fairness the team weren't totally awful in a 3-2 home defeat to Holland.

The only caretaker to leave work with a win under his belt was the man who followed Alf Ramsey, the 60-year-old general manager at Coventry City, Joe Mercer. Appointed temporary manager after the dismissal of Sir Alf in May 1974, the former Manchester City title-winning boss immediately severed the final link with the 1966 World Cup winning side by dropping the stand-in captain Martin Peters, who had been given the armband only four matches previously after Bobby Moore had been jettisoned. For his first match against Wales, Mercer was not afraid to mix it up, giving Kevin Keegan only his third full cap, and gambling on Stan Bowles by handing him his second. The pair responded with the goals in a 2-0 win. Keith Weller of Leicester City, given his debut in that game, scored the only goal in the next, a narrow win over Northern Ireland. His team-mate Frank Worthington, keeping the pattern going (kind of), made his debut against the Irish, toiled in a 2-0 defeat at Hampden, then starred and scored in a 2-2 draw with a Mario Kempes-inspired Argentina.

Mercer's spell in charge saw the mavericks given their chance, the resulting football pleasing on the eye. But the brief Mercer Era is arguably best remembered for a summer tour behind the Iron Curtain, which involved a couple of Englishmen Abroad skits which wouldn't have looked out of place in a Carry On film or contemporary LWT sitcom. Before a 1-0 win over Bulgaria in Sofia, the team threatened to pull out after the hotel they had been booked into was closed down by the authorities due to subsidence. Then in Belgrade, Keegan was spotted loitering by a luggage carousel in an unauthorised area at the airport, picked up by two goons and carted off like a plank of wood, then beaten up, the contents of the carrier bag he had been holding at the time (a nice earthenware pot) smashed to bits as well.

Mercer, of course, made way for Don Revie of Leeds, whose name was not even mentioned when Ramsey was sacked. For the record, the bookies' favourites at the time of Sir Alf's dismissal were, in reverse order, Gordon Milne of Coventry, Bobby Robson of Ipswich, and the hot tip Gordon Jago of Queens Park Rangers. Other names in the hat were Jimmy Armfield of Bolton, Burnley's Jimmy Adamson and Middlesbrough's Jack Charlton. The forks in the road of history, huh.

4) Matt McQueen (Liverpool)

Liverpool's title winners of 1921/22 were not shy of rippling the net – Harry Chambers and Dick Forshaw both broke the 20-goal barrier that season – though their real strength was at the back, where England's Ephraim Longworth, Scotland's Donald McKinley and Northern Ireland goalkeeper Elisha Scott formed a formidable barrier. The team let in only 36 goals in 42 matches that season, beating Tottenham Hotspur to the championship by six points. Come Christmas 1922, they were top of the table again, a point ahead of nearest challengers Sunderland, who they had already beaten 5-1. They were hot favourites to retain their title – something no club had managed during an unpredictable era since The Wednesday went back-to-back two decades earlier.

So it was something of a shock when, after a comprehensive 3-1 win at Nottingham Forest, title-winning manager David Ashworth announced his resignation. He was moving to Oldham Athletic, second from bottom of the division and looking very likely to be relegated. Oldham had dangled plenty of money under Ashworth's nose to tempt him away, it's true, but his main motive was a move back to the family home in nearby Stockport (the Irishman had previously managed County) to look after his ill wife and daughter.

Poor Ashworth. Before he could take up his new post, his old team dealt his new one a double whammy: Liverpool beat Oldham 2-0 on Christmas Day, then 2-1 on Boxing Day. Bah, humbug. Oldham would end the season bottom of the table, relegated by those four lost points. Liverpool, however, needed to keep on keeping on. Those two results were part of a 13-match unbeaten run in league and cup which only came to an end with a shock fifth-round FA Cup defeat at home to Sheffield United. But hey, Liverpool did not do the FA Cup in those days. They had, however, built up a healthy lead in the league they would not relinquish.

The man who guided them through that period was Matt McQueen, who had played in every position including goal for the club back in the 1890s, and was asked to take temporary charge in the wake of Ashworth's departure. His stint in temporary control was probably the highlight. Upon being made permanent boss in mid-February, results took a slight downturn: that cup defeat, three more losses in the league, an unsatisfying run of five draws to clinch the title. The most dramatic game in that sequence was a 3-0 home win over Bolton, during which "25 yards" of the Anfield Road stand was damaged by a fire fierce enough that the spectators could not see the players for smoke. The game, the past being a foreign land and all that, continued without stoppage. Remarkably nobody was hurt.

The title had been secured, but like Ashworth before him McQueen's luck quickly ran out. The poor man was hit by a taxi towards the end of 1923, his injuries serious enough for him to lose a leg. Meanwhile Liverpool slipped back into mid-table anonymity, and he eventually resigned in 1928, poor health increasingly an issue to a man in his mid-60s.

5) Mário Zagallo (Brazil)

The manager of Brazil's World Cup-winning team of 1970 was Mário Zagallo, though its architect was the journalist João Saldanha. Saldanha had been offered the job by the Brazilian Football Confederation in 1969 on the basis – it has been alleged – that seeing he and other hacks had been loudly mouthing off about the uselessness of the national side, the press pack were less likely to complain if one of their number had their hands on the tiller.

It was an inspired appointment, in the sense that his Brazil won all six of their qualifying matches for the 1970 World Cup, scoring 23 goals and conceding only two. It was not so inspired in the sense that he tried to drop Pelé on a trumped-up charge of the player losing his eyesight, told Brazil's military leader Emílio Garrastazu Médici that he had no intention whatsoever of picking the dictator's favourite star Dario, and chased his predecessor Dorival Yustrich, who had been giving him some stick in the press, with a loaded gun.

(As an aside, if only football were like this now. Imagine the FA giving, say, Henry Winter the England job, then watching in horror as the esteemed scribe started trash-talking David Cameron in the media, before going round to Roy Hodgson's gaff packing heat. You'd pay good money, wouldn't you.)

Sure enough, the CBF grabbed – eagerly, with both hands – the first opportunity they had to sack Saldanha. The first match lost under his yoke, on 4 March 1970, was a 2-0 friendly defeat in Porto Alegre to Argentina of all countries. And though his side won a return match 2-1 in Rio a few days later, the knives were already unsheathed. He was given his marching orders a week later.

The Guardian noted that "Saldanha's outspokenness and perhaps his political leanings also had some bearing on his dismissal. He has been shot at and imprisoned several times because of his left-wing views." But while darker forces were clearly at work, Saldanha certainly made it easy for his detractors. The last straw was his announcement on live radio that he intended to drop Pelé for an upcoming match against Chile.

Former Brazil international, and star of the 1958 team, Zagallo was asked to steer the ship through the upcoming World Cup. He didn't have many decisions to make. Only two stand out. One: he named as his first choice in goal Felix, a hapless individual who to this day is often namechecked as the worst player to ever win a World Cup. The other? He overturned Saldanha's decision to drop Pelé from the team. The instant response? Two goals against Chile, of course. You know the rest.

6) Tony Parkes (Blackburn Rovers)

He's six in the hole!

Scott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Theo Walcott to join Monaco for £34m?

No standfirst today! Po' stand-alone gossip! Stand-alone gossip's a-cold!

We're now halfway through the latest closure of the transfer window. So what have we learned since the shutters went down on deadline day? What have we learned from two whole months of hot trading chat in the Rumour Mill? Apart from the fact that we shouldn't have panicked and used this intro two days ago? Well, nothing, of course. Absolutely nothing.

That said, we've got space to fill, and you've got time to kill, so we might as well plough on. And we begin with the news that a multi-millionaire has secured his son some work at a well-known multinational institution. A heartwarming message to lead with, the sort of feelgood story an egalitarian paper like the Guardian is all about.

Who are we kidding, this whole column is a brazen celebration of dirty money, and the wanton flaunting of it. Tax-shunning French giants Monaco want to spend £34m on Theo Walcott. Hooray! Hooray for the residents of Monaco, Theo, the Rumour Mill, and each and every one of us!

The state of this. What the hell are we doing? Jack Monroe, can you ever forgive us?

Manchester United, part of the Glazer portfolio, is some sort of leverage caper, and the folk in charge of it have frittered millions of pounds on a teenager, Wilfried Zaha, and can't even be bothered to utilise him to the company's benefit. Oh Glazers! In order to protect the investment, he's off to Cardiff City, who don't play in their own colours any more on the whim of some loaded owner with too many banknotes poking out of the pockets of his suit. Sham. Despicable sham.

PR smokescreen Manchester City is the latest club interested in Fraser Forster – the Celtic goalkeeper is already a target for Barcelona – on account of Joe Hart having greased frying pans for hands and strings of sausages for arms. Roy? Mr Roy? Do you fancy watching some Scottish football now? Someone will get you a seat, you don't want to pay for a seat, you get very angry if you don't get a free seat.

Someone will get the millionaire a free seat.

Paris St-Germain, there are no words, want to spend £35m on Juan Mata. Chelsea boss José Mourinho is going to scupper the plan, perhaps out of spite, perhaps he's in a low-quality mood. Perhaps he's renounced capitalism!

Iago Aspas wants out of Liverpool. No idea where he's off to yet, but his agent Roderigo is on the case.

Manchester United are looking at St Etienne left-back Faouzi Ghoulam. Sunderland striker Connor Wickham is on his way to Sheffield Wednesday. And some British people can't afford to heat their food. Aren't we ashamed? Yes, we're ashamed. The Rumour Mill is ashamed. Click on to one of these other pages, will you, we can't bear you looking at us any more.

Scott Murray
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