David Erik Nelson's Blog, page 37
November 8, 2012
Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classic issue #526 (published February 17, 2011): "Making the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs."
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Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classic issue #526 (published February 17, 2011)
Making the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs.
Giant Squid: Ask the Giant Squid: The Lazy and Ignorant Come Testing Day by the Giant Squidwill i pass the exam
bye
lorna
My Dearest Lorna,
I am much afeared that the answer is, almost entirely beyond the doubt's shadow, No; you shall not pass the exam.
Many factors contribute to this, my conclusion. First and foremost, if the exam is to be administered in English, and if any portion of it should offer you the opportunity to self-express beyond the simple selection of a forced multiple choice, then it is assured that your final score will be penalized in direct proportion to the looseness of your grasp of your mother tongue, which is itself at best a slapdash concatenation of Latin loan-words, Greek borrow phrases, a mismatched collection of suffixes and prefixes outright stolen from the Germans, several loose handfuls of bolts, some wax, and a crippled Tlingit's kerosene-soaked contempt for reliable syntax. Even within that flexible frame, it is hard to argue that your free-form writing complies with its norms. In this regard, I find your failure to punctuate especially ill-boding, and your ignorance of—or overt laziness preventing your acceding to—the widely accepted English norm of capitalizing the first-person singular pronoun to be downright distressing; have you, as of late, suffered a closed, yet traumatic, head injury? . . .
Fiction: Rejected Curios: Joe Louie Armstrong's "Valved Bugle" by David Erik NelsonLot 238 is an American-style "valved bugle" of uncertain provenance.
When he ascended to the Moon in 1938 to defeat Nazi German heavyweight Max Schmeling, Joe Louie Armstrong not only roused his flagging nation, but also became the first black astro-pugilist to play trumpet on the Moon. As Schmeling staggered, then crumpled to his knees in the gunpowdery dust of the makeshift boxing ring, a captivated world tuned in for Armstrong's historic first transmission . . .
Poetry: A Wiki-Leaked Document On The Status Of The Giant Squid by Mel C. ThompsonNo one knows how he learned to read and write English.
Rumor has it a former Soviet scuba diver taught him.
This was translated into a form of complex sign language
involving the use of each of the suction cups and tentacles.
The methodology is far too intricate to explain in this stanza. . . .
Rant: Rebuttal To "The Word 'White'" (March 18, 1854) by Kevin VorshakI must, with great emphasis, set straight the words proffered by Mr. Frederick Douglass yesterday with regards to the Homestead Bill of 1854. . . .
November 7, 2012
RECOMMENDED READING: Just Ride: A Radically Practical Guide to Riding Your Bike by Grant Peterson
Although this is framed as a manifesto by a former bike-racer-turned-designer/bike-populist, railing against what "racer mentality" has done to the otherwise universal American pastime of "riding bikes," I'm *manically* recommending it to anyone who likes to pedal. It's a great, great book: a quick, fun read composed of short, tightly focused practical articles. the book is *packed* with excellent advice on fitness, maintenance, bike fitting, and riding techniques. E.g., this was the first I'd heard about using your hips to assist cornering, and it's *changed my life.* I disagree with him about helmets (since I started riding daily in a city full of drivers-from-elsewhere, I'm *deeply* committed to my relationship with my brain bucket), but his points about how to own a slightly larger slice of the road by giving the *impression* that you're an incompetent rider has been revelatory.
I've never been tainted by the bike-racing headspace (I'm *waaaaaay* to lazy to be into competitive *anything*), but I read this book in a single day, and have been going back to it frequently since, applying Peterson's tips to my bike, diet, and exercise regimen. Get a copy, read it, and keep it close at hand.
November 6, 2012
Michigan: Don't forget to Vote NO on Prop 6
Just a gentle reminder that now is the time when all good Michiganders must rise up and Vote *NO* on Prop 6!
I had tacos today with the Consul General of Canada, Roy Norton (the good looking one in the photo on the left), and in my presence he swore to an American child that Canada would pay for the New International Trade Crossing *in its entirety.* I just can't make the situation any planer: Matty Moroun (owner of the existing Ambassador Bridge) is a crusty old bridge troll, and Canada is a totally stand-up nation. Case *closed.*
Also, I really wanna get this free sandwich.
Satchel's BBQ to offer free sandwiches on November 7 if voters defeat Proposal 6
So, Vote NO on Prop 6 (and Prop 5, if you get a chance. And also for Obama, if you're cool with that. Thanks!)
Also, this is kinda kooky and fun; Enjoy!
October 28, 2012
"'If you feed the horse enough oats, some will pass through to the road for the sparrows"
I.e., the 99% are shit-eating birds? *sigh* Kinda preferred "gleaners."
If *all* this vid does is introduce you to the 19th Century term "Horse-and-Sparrow Theory" (as a dysphemism for "Trickle-down Economics"), then our work here is done.
October 26, 2012
October 25, 2012
Live in MI? Vote *NO* on Props 5 and 6; Live Anywhere? Stop Being Politically Cynical
I continue to write a column for the Ann Arbor Chronicle. The latest one seeks to counteract a huge, manipulative ad campaign being run by a somewhat nefarious billionaire looking to fundamentally cripple our ability to functionally run Michigan.
Please Vote NO on Props 5 and 6; touch base with everyone you know in Michigan, and make sure they're planning on voting *against* these shenanigans, too.
Larger than local politics, this billionaire's efforts to hoodwink us really rely on our active connivance, by preying on our suspicions of the worst in each other. Even if you don't live in Michigan--poor devils!--there's something to be learned from what's happening here:
The Ann Arbor Chronicle | In it for the Money: Kleptocracy
. . .
What [billionaire] Moroun is preying upon is our knee-jerk “common sense” conviction that government – which is the subset of ourselves that we charge with the job of keeping the house tidy so the rest of us can earn a living – is essentially incompetent. More so than mudslinging in political ads or lies during debates, it’s this core cynicism – a cynicism we each individually carry in our hearts and reproduce over and over again with pithily captioned pictures posted to Facebook, and re-shared links to spurious infographics, and caps-locked screeds – that’s poisoning us as a nation.
Listen, I love you, so I feel like can say this: Cynicism is the mechanical thing that dumb people do to seem wise. It’s a display of our most fundamental weakness: the ardent desire to be right.
Knee-jerk anti-governmentalism is the equivalent of thinking you’re precognizant because you can look at the succulent, exquisitely prepared dinner that’s been set before you, turn to your host and confidently claim: “In the next several hours, this luxurious banquet will be rendered into fecal matter by the action of our digestive systems.” That doesn’t make you a reliable forecaster of human events; it just makes you a boor. I don’t think any post-adolescent needs constant reminders of the basics: people lie, humans are fallible, puppies become stinky old dogs, and everyone dies. We do need to remind each other that we can and should live our lives, wash that dog, help each other recover from our failures, and correct the liars.
. . .
The day this column went live I got a *really* nice email from the Consul General of Canada complimenting me on my efforts. Don't let anyone speak ill of Canadians to you. That whole damn nation is one huge class act.
(Yeah, I know this is a repost, but Mojo and I had different stuff to say about this column; give some dudes a break. We contain multitudes. Multitudes of multi-dudes. god i'm so tired.)
October 12, 2012
What's Dave-o Talking About?
At the tail end of the summer a nice cat I connected with via Maker Faire Detroit interviewed me for WXOU, which is 88.3FM in Auburn Hills, MI. I'd thought we were going to talk mostly about maker/DIY stuff, but it ended up being a really fun, wide ranging chat. Robo Robb is a really excellent, laid-back interviewer--which, compounded with my sprung sleep schedule (travel, new baby, etc.) meant that, about four minutes into the interview, I totally forgot that we were recording. When he grabbed his digital recorder off the table as we were leaving--the coffee shop had shut down and wanted to haul their tables in--I suddenly realized I had *no idea* what I'd said. So, everything at this link is gonna be news to both of us.
DISCLOSURE: This tape is long--more than an hour, as I recall--and I have a terrible, nasal Jewish Kermit the Frog voice and creaky geek laugh. It's downright *punishing* to listen to me go on about this stuff. Also, I go pretty far afield on education policy and race in America and clockwork robot war crimes--the whole thing is a hot mess. But Robo Robb is an excellent interlocutor and solid dude. If you ever get a chance to talk with him, *jump at it!*
Interview with David Erik Nelson - Robo Robb
*thx Robb!*
October 11, 2012
Romney: "That dude's the sickest. We hate him."
I offer this to you because I love you, Mojonauts. Now bow your heads. We thank you, oh Internet, for the bounty we are about to receive. Amen.
"Eye Of The Sparrow" — A Bad Lip Reading of the First 2012 Presidential Debate - YouTube
October 5, 2012
Your #FridayReads: THE SILENT HISTORY on your iPhone and a STEAMPUNK III sweepstakes #scifi
Lots of fiction news!
First off, Fritz and I are "Advance Reporters" contributing to the geolocated, serialized, iPhone/iPad literature thing The Silent History (as of right now our stories are the only ones located in Michigan). There's a nice concise description of the project over on Contents Magazine:
The Silent History is a serialized electronic novel that debuted this week on iOS devices. The story at its heart is big: beginning right around now, some of our children stop developing language, and no one knows why. The novel is an archive of first-person accounts told by parents, doctors, teachers, and neighbors, and they’re released on a schedule, one at a time, from the beginning of the epidemic through to 2043.
Orbiting the body of the novel are dozens of “field reports”—stories written by readers and connected to specific physical locations. To read them, you have to show up, device in hand, at just the right spot on the built-in map.
That's actually the lead-in to an interesting interview with the project editor Eli Horowitz, e.g.,:
Once you start thinking about it, the project is full of semi-comprehensible little resonances like that. I mean, it’s a lengthy book about the failures of language. It’s an oral history about people who can’t talk. It’s a digital book that is dependent upon engagement with the physical world. Etc.
If you want details, check out the Silent History website and Tumblr blog or this video trailer:
The Silent History from Richard Parks on Vimeo.
Mojo, Fritz, and I (in the guise of our dear Giant Squid) also have a story in Ann VanderMeer's upcoming anthology Steampunk III: Steampunk Revolution--which is sort of a post-steampunk reimagining/re-examination of steampunk's blind spots. You can buy it come Non-Denominational Gift Giving Holiday time, or enter the Tor.com Sweepstakes and win one pronto. Check out an excerpt from the antho's intro and see what you think.
Finally, I've dropped the price on my novella Tucker Teaches the Clockies to Copulate--you know, to celebrate Sukkoth, or something. Happy October, everyone!
October 4, 2012
Deobfuscating Ballot Measures with Ballotpedia
Perhaps everything is on the up-and-up out where you are, but here in Michigan we once again have a confusing fistful of ballot measures that are lightly covered in the media, but energetically endorsed or opposed by PACs via direct-mail, online banner ads, and TV/YouTube vids. Much of this street-level lobbying is misleading, verging on fraudulent. Most notable in Michigan is Matty Moroun's ongoing campaign to keep his private near-monopoly on commercial trucking between the US and Canada via Detroit. (SHORT VERSION: Detroit-Windsor is one of the busiest trade corridors in the US; something like 60 or 70 percent of the region's commercial traffic passes through Detroit. The current bridge is a crazy bottleneck. Canada wants a new bridge so badly that *they are entirely picking up the tab.* Matty Moroun--who owns the one bridge from Detroit to Windsor [there is also a tunnel, but it cannot carry commercial traffic, just passenger vehicles] is dumping millions into running ads that say Canada *isn't* paying for the bridge. This claim is false.)
Moroun also wants to deeply fuck up the state's ability to levee taxes--which makes sense, as he's been actively antagonistic to the state, his nominal business partner, for years. Robbing us of the revenue we need to pursue him for breach of contract, civil contempt, and assorted other fuckery is sort of a rational choice, if you are a supervillain. Next thing you know he's gonna blow up the moon--or dump $4 million into amending our state constitution so that he has a monopoly on blowing up the moon, or who knows what.
Tangent aside, Ballotpedia has been a balm on my nerves, counteracting the gobsmacked rage I fly into each morning when the mail arrives with yet another glossy libel. It's a non-partisan project to elucidate state politics, with a special flair for all the "down ballot" initiates and candidates--the ones that don't get covered much in the media, but can have an enormous impact on your day-to-day life.
Live in Michigan? Here's a run-down of our 2012 ballot measures. The most contentious of these are Props 2, 5, and 6. *I* advise voting YES on 2, NO on 5 and 6--but that's just me.
More than anything, I advise doing a little reading--with Ballotpedia as your jumping-off point--and voting for what you think will most benefit the state and its citizens. Thanks!
