Rachel Kramer Bussel's Blog, page 41

Are brains the new tits? Find out in my sapiosexual column at DAME

My latest column at women's site DAME asks "Is Smart The New Sexy?" which explores how we assess intelligence in the dating world, whether you need to have attended college to be considered "smart," what sapiosexual means and how it's perceived, with quotes from Kate Sloan, Rose Caraway, Melissa Toler and Jo Weldon and a brief take on my attendance at Bawdy Storytelling in LA (which also happens tomorrow in San Francisco and if you're there you should go!).



Also: I'd love your suggestions for what to cover next for my DAME sex column that relates to women and sex and/or dating. Email me at rachelkb at gmail do com with "DAME" in the subject line.

I spent my weekend topless in a backyard pool and it was heavenly

Okay, that's not entirely true: I did not spend my whole weekend topless in the water, but a part of me wishes I had because for the first time in longer than I can remember, I felt completely relaxed. I absolutely love what I do, but working for yourself requires, at least, in my experience, a pretty near constant vigilance. I have to always be checking out what's happening in the culture to see if there's anything I should be writing about, stay on top of the markets for erotica and sex writing to better help my students and further my own work, and simply keep up with my usual deadlines.

I've had more than a few moments in the past few months where I wondered whether even when things are going "well" if this pace is sustainable, or worth it. What does it mean to be doing exactly what you want and paying your bills but to never feel like you deserve to be off the clock?

I don't have the answer to that; it's a work in progress, like me. But I do know that when I was at a party this weekend, after teaching what wound up being more over six hours of writing workshops the day before, I decided to let all the stress wash away into that warm, magical pool. I had forgotten my bathing suit and was planning to just dip my feet in, but the water was warmer than I could have imagined. It felt perfect, and I wanted more. So I shucked my dress and bra and only kept my panties on because I thought there were rules about that (turns out, there weren't).

What's funny is that there's a pool where I live now, but I haven't so much as dipped my feet in it. This weekend I took the time to appreciate my surroundings, to savor the little things, whether it was an acai bowl that made me taste a bit of my Hawaiian memories for a moment, or navigating public transportation like a New Yorker rather than relying on Uber.

I don't think I need to be topless in a pool in Southern California to find those moments of sheer bliss; at least, I hope not, because I live in suburban New Jersey. But that's something I want to savor and return to when life gets stressful.

Here are a few photos I took over the past few days. And if you're in or near Chicago or want to travel there, the next CatalystCon will take place April 1-3, the first one in the Midwest. I am already working on my panel proposal! Get your proposals in by November 3rd.


I always swoon when I see palm trees.


My awesome CatalystCon panelists: Anaín Bjorkquist, me, Dixie De La Tour of Bawdy Storytelling and Gaby Dunn




I haven't gotten a chance to actually read more than two pages of young adult novel Dumplin' by Julie Murphy since downloading it last night before my redeye flight, but I love that Dolly Parton is a major plot point and it opens with this quote.

Read my latest sex essay in O, The Oprah Magazine

I mostly write online, but in the October issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, I have a short essay about my sex life on page 126, as part of a longer package on sex that's all fascinating. I don't know if it'll also be online, but I encourage you to check it out. What's funny is that I saw the magazine on Wednesday when flying out to L.A., and meant to post about it earlier. So much has happened in the past few days that to me this is almost "old" news, although of course it's not. More when I've had a chance to catch up and think through all the amazing things that went on this weekend. I feel energized and excited and so glad I got to meet new people and connect with old friends and learn more about my role in the sex positive community. I feel ready to tackle so much that's ahead, personally and professionally, and am happy to be winding up my thirties with my words in a magazine I've been reading for years, subscribe to, and even tore an essay out of when I was moving a few months ago and kept because it spoke to me.

Nicole Arbour's hate-filled "Dear Fat People" video

Sunday night, I was watching TV with my boyfriend and scrolling through Facebook when I read about a video called "Dear Fat People." At the time, it had been taken down from YouTube, but someone else had put it up. I watched it, and was horrified. I don't say that only because I'm in love with a fat man, though of course, that certainly colors my view. But there was something so sickening to me about how she talked about fat people, literally as if they should not exist, or only exist if they were spending their entire lives working to no longer be fat.

So at 11 p.m., I sent some emails and made some calls and did interviews. At midnight, I wondered, What am I doing? Nobody had assigned this to me; I wanted to cover it, both because I knew it was going to be a buzzed-about story, and because I wanted to add another voice speaking up against the hatefulness of this video.

So I did, and Salon liked it, and published it. Right now, as I type from an airplane on my way to L.A., it's their third most viewed piece.



It's also one I've gotten rare hate mail for, which I've posted on my Facebook page. Those emails, to me, say so much. People are willing to speak out defending someone basically saying fat people are the scourge of the world, because she backs up their own prejudice. I want no part of that, ever. Lindy West also has an excellent response at The Guardian . I certainly couldn't muster that much empathy for Arbour.

I was far less interested, personally, in the "free speech" canard as I was in how telling fat people to fuck themselves could become a rallying cry. We need to do better, and we are, I hope.

As I gear up to teach a new set of writing students on Friday in Burbank (there's still room to join us!), I'm looking forward to hearing what they think about their own lives, about their fantasies, about things they want to say and share but perhaps don't know how or where to go about doing so.

How to be a better submissive in BDSM

Want to explore BDSM in a deeper way? This week I wrote about Sinclair Sexsmith's Submissive Playground online course in my Philadelphia City Paper sex column (if they're related to Philadelphia, that's wonderful, but they don't have to be). I'm actively looking for new topics to cover. Pitch me at rachelcitypaper at gmail.com - anything I haven't already covered in previous columns in the sex/dating/relationships realm is fair game!



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Can you be addicted to your vibrator?

That's the issue I explore in my new DAME sex column, as well as what women who aren't necessarily "addicted" but feel too reliant on one way of coming can do to switch things up.



Also: I'm always open to pitches about what to cover next for my columns. DAME's Shameless Sex column deals with women and sex and Philadelphia City Paper with anything and everything (for a few examples, popular topics have included sex and depression/mental health, Valentine's Day polyamory and metamours, dick pics, what it's like to be a male dominant and working at a porn company). Email rachelcitypaper at gmail.com with your column idea (for either column) and as much as detail as possible. I'd love to do more columns on dating in particular, but am open to anything. Feel free to pass this on to anyone you know who might have a great story my readers would enjoy.

Want to write, get published and make money with erotica and sex essays and journalism?

It's September, which means I'm getting ready to head out to Los Angeles! Next Friday, September 11th, I'll be there teaching 3-hour workshops on erotica and sex writing. The workshops happen just ahead of sexuality conference CatalystCon, which I highly recommend, but I wanted to dedicate a post to them because you don't have to be attending CatalystCon to take part. One of the reasons I love teaching is that it pushes me to learn more about what editors are looking for. It's given me even greater reason to pay attention to the publishing world so I can best align what my students are writing with what publications want to publish.

One of my favorite parts of these classes is updating my handout with even more markets and information than I had last time, which I think is a positive sign in both arenas, fiction and nonfiction; yes, fresh voices are very much wanted and needed. One of the subjects we'll be talking about, how to ethically navigate writing about other people's sex lives, I'll also be asking my panelists about on Sunday, September 13th at 11 a.m. at my CatalystCon Sharing Your Sex Life on the Page and the Stage panel. I can tell you that for me, it's a constantly evolving process in my life, especially now when I'm in the longest relationship of my life (three and a half years) and am constantly asking my partner what's okay and not okay to put in print, and we'll be discussing that among other considerations as you delve into writing about your sex life and/or doing sex journalism.

The full description of the workshops are below. The erotica one takes place in the morning of September 11, from 9:15-12:15 pm, and the nonfiction sex writing one runs from 1:30 pm-4:30 pm. I've had wonderful experiences the 3 previous times I've taught these at CataystCon. You can take either or both (they are very different from each other) and based on past experience I can say this is one of the most supportive, dynamic, creative, smart and fascinating groups you'll find to be your classmates! You can register here for the workshops. Questions? Email me at rachelkb at gmail.com with "Catalyst" in the subject line.

September 11, 9:15 am - 12:15 pm
Erotica 101 workshop, CatalystCon

In this three hour workshop Rachel Kramer Bussel, professional erotica author and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, such as The Big Book of Orgasms, Cheeky Spanking Stories and Serving Him: Sexy Stories of Submission, will take you through the ins and outs of modern erotic writing. Learn how to get started, find your voice, and write against type. You’ll discover how to incorporate everyday scenarios as well as outlandish fantasies into your writing, and make them fit for particular magazines and anthologies. The class will also cover branding yourself as a writer, using and selecting a good pseudonym, and using social media to promote your work and do outreach. She’ll also talk about submitting your work and keeping up with the thriving erotica market, including anthologies, ebooks, magazines and websites. Please bring paper and writing implements or a laptop to use for in class writing exercises. A bibliography with erotica resources will be provided.

This class will take place on Friday, September 11, 2015 at the CatalystConhost hotel. You must purchase a ticket to this workshop separately from CatalystCon on the registration page. $45/person. Register here.

Los Angeles Marriott Burbank Airport, 2500 North Hollywood Way, Burbank, CA 91505

September 11, 1:30 pm - 4:30 pm
Sex Writing 101 (Nonfiction)

In this three hour workshop, writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel will cover all you need to know about writing about sex, including blogging, first-person essays and journalism. You’ll learn how to ethically write about your love life, what editors are looking for, where to find experts on sexuality topics, and how to stay abreast of current sex news. Whether you’re looking to write a sex blog, column, articles or books, you’ll find out how to pitch, how much money you can expect to make, and how to maximize your editorial opportunities. The class will also cover branding yourself as a writer, using and selecting a good pseudonym, using social media to promote your work and do outreach, and how to pitch stories. Rachel is a sex columnist for Philadelphia City Paper and DAME, and was a sex columnist for The Village Voice, Penthouse and The Frisky, and has written about sexuality for Cosmopolitan, The Daily Beast, Glamour, Inked, Salon, xoJane and many other publications. A resource list covering markets for sex-related pieces will be provided.

This class will take place on Friday, September 11, 2015 at the CatalystConhost hotel. You must purchase a ticket to this workshop separately from CatalystCon on the registration page. $45/person. Register here.

Los Angeles Marriott Burbank Airport, 2500 North Hollywood Way, Burbank, CA 91505

The hardest part of writing and how I've turned it into my strength

The hardest part of writing happens pretty much every time I face a blank page. Sorry to say, it doesn't get easier, at least in my care, because the biggest hurdle I face in my writing is knowing that what I write will never be exactly what someone else would have written on the same topic. The interview questions I ask, whether they're about period sex or raising a transgender child, will never be exactly the same as someone else's questions (although I have interviewed people who've been asked a variation of almost identical questions their answers inevitably start to sound the same, and that is something I try to steer clear of these days and interview people who are not oversaturated by press).

My point, though, is, that sometimes the fear and doubt embedded in that truth leaves me staring at my screen, stricken, utterly sure that, since what I will ask or write or reveal is different from what someone else would, it's lesser than. That is a battle I will probably always face, because even when I think I have a great idea, even when I'm audacious enough to pitch it to one of the most famous newspapers in the world, I still get nervous. I still wonder, what the hell am I doing? I'm wondering that right now, in fact. Is admitting that I am often terrified of getting past word one going to diminish my the perceived reputation of the writing classes I'm teaching?

What I've come to realize is that the truth here is inescapable. I will never be another person, so I will never be able to write like someone else would. I can learn the most I can about my craft, I can study publications zealously to get a sense of what they want. I can learn from failed pitches and study the ones that succeeded to figure out what works. I can constantly be on the lookout for aspects of my life, or other people's lives, or pop culture, that might warrant an exploration on the page.

These days, a vast amount of what I do is research, brainstorming, figuring out what topics people will want to read about. Sometimes, readers surprise me. My profile of what it's like to work at Philadelphia porn company HotMovies.com is currently the most-read story on Philadelphia City Paper's website. I don't get paid more for that, but it makes me feel good that I chose well and did justice to the topic given my relatively small word count.

One of my keys to facing this could-be-debilitating fear is to simply charge right into it. To say, essentially, okay, I can only write as "me," so what about me is unique? That too is audacious; it runs counter to everything I've absorbed about being meek and quiet and patient to do the exact opposite, to look around and say, how ridiculous and crazy and weird is my life, and how can I laugh at and learn from and exploit that? I've accepted that fact that people might look at me like I'm crazy when I admit that I have over 1,000 Google Alerts, and that's okay. So what?

The truth is, life is crazy, in big and small ways. So that's where I go. Not that every story I write is "crazy," hopefully, but that they all stem from some interest of mine (or in some cases, my editor's). They all are part of me and they are never going to emerge the same way they would if someone else covered them. So while I write about sex and dating, I've also made babies and body image and weight and beauty and books (sometimes beauty and books) and hoarding my beats. I've followed my "weird" passions and quirks and done my best to encourage others to do so. I've trusted myself to admit hard truths because I believe anyone that cares about me as a person will know that honesty is not a weapon or a curse, but a valued skill. I've embraced the fact that while other people may relate or have similar stories to share, they will never write a short story or essay or conduct an interview exactly how I have. That's simply the truth, and I can lament it or I can make it work for me.

As such, I've let myself acknowledge that sometimes other people will say or write what I wanted to express better than I could have, and that's okay too. Accepting that I can try my best, pursue my passionate quirks, and still sometimes fall short of the mark, and here I mean my own standard for my work, is part of getting better at it. I've been sitting on some ideas, some for months, telling myself I should "wait" because they aren't fully cooked yet, that I need more time to ruminate. So, like the neurotic person I am, almost every day I sit down to make one of my many to do lists, and wind up writing those ideas down. "Pitch _____." The ideas gnaw at me, distracting me from whatever the task at hand is, and the longer I ignore them, the more they haunt me. Instead of simply taking the time to pitch them and see what kind of response I get, I've too often let them stay in my head because I let that fear win. I have to pretty much tell myself that, sometimes out loud, to get past all those voice telling me things like, no, don't try to interview that person, because you don't know everything that's ever happened in their field, and you'll sound stupid. So, I'm posting this today partly for me, and partly for anyone reading this who needs a little encouragement. Write, pitch, blog, or whatever your preferred artistic medium is. Go for it, because write will never be exactly what someone else would have written. It will be yours, and it will be special, because you are.

It's a busy time right now but when I've had a few minutes, like I did this weekend to sit outdoors in Princeton, I'm reading Rising Strong by Brené Brown, a book about failure (there's even a chapter titled "Composting Failure"), because I've faced my share of it. It's one of those books that, for me, the mere reading of it helps give me confidence, helps remind me that I'm not my worst sentence, my biggest mistake, my greatest failure, although those are part of me too. I'm those along with all the positive things I'm proud of, and everything in between. I'm myself, which is not always who I like or love or want to be, but I'm who I've got. This is a section I highlighted (yes, one of the joys of buying books is you can write in them; it's not something I do that often, but sometimes I feel a book just needs that added emphasis, if only to sear the concepts into my mind), that I thought you might appreciate.



Want to read more of my thoughts on writing (and life) and have the chance to win free books? Subscribe to my monthly newsletter on the left-hand side of my website, rachelkramerbussel.com.

See you in Portland, Maine on October 21 for my Erotica Writing 101 workshop

I'm gearing up for next Friday's Los Angeles erotica and sex writing workshops (which is open to anyone, whether you're attending CatalystCon or not, though I also encourage you to check out the programming for CatalystCon), but also looking ahead to October, when I get to return to one of my favorite cities, Portland, Maine, which is where I got my heart tattoo and a city I always feel at home in. I'll be visiting my childhood best friend and her new baby and teaching at one of my favorite sex toy stores, Nomia! Yes, they will also have Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica in stock. I'll update this when there's an official Facebook event page, but you can register now and since the space is small, the class is limited to 20 people.


image via Nomia on Facebook

October 21, 7:30-9 pm
Erotica 101 Writing Workshop
Nomia, 24 Exchange Street, Suite 215, Portland, Maine
Rachel Kramer Bussel, professional erotica author and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, such as Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica, The Big Book of Orgasms, Best Bondage Erotica 2015 and more, will take you through the ins and outs of modern erotic writing. Learn how to get started, find your voice, and write against type. You'll discover how to incorporate everyday scenarios as well as outlandish fantasies into your writing, and make them fit for particular magazines and anthologies. She'll also talk about submitting your work and keeping up with the thriving erotica market (including anthologies, ebooks, magazines and websites). Whether you're writing to that special someone, penning longtime fantasies, or want to earn cash for your dirty words, this workshop is for you. Please bring paper or writing implements or a laptop to use for in class writing exercises. A bibliography with erotica resources will be provided. $20/person. Call 207-773-4774 or visit Nomia to register. Limited to 20 people.

If you've attended my previous Nomia workshops, you should feel free to come back. There will be new exercises and new people!

Nomia has been wonderful to me; they have a large selection of erotica and sex books, which I appreciate as a reader and journalist. Nomia is, I'm pretty sure, where I first came across and purchased Amy Reiley's aphrodisiac cookbooks, including Romancing the Stove, which I wrote about in my sexy food column. As someone who tries to keep up with sex publishing to stay informed, I am so grateful that Nomia stocks such a wide variety of books, in addition to sex toys and erotic DVDs.

Plus, Portland has been so welcoming. I've taught two classes at Nomia and been so impressed with each of them. In 2013, I was even on the cover of the local alt weekly, the Portland Phoenix, something that had been on my vanity bucket list, for this profile of my writing workshop. It's also where I go to speak at their local library, something else I'd wanted to do. So lots of firsts for me there! Here's some photos from last year's visit and can't wait to return.

Plus, Portland has amazing food. Yes, they're the location where the diner owner screamed at a toddler and it went viral. But they're also home to so many wonderful restaurants. I try to get to Bintliff's every time I visit, and have pretty much not had a bad meal in Portland. It's somewhere I'd consider moving, if I could handle the winter cold. So I am greatly looking forward to my workshop and getting another chance to explore. I'm also planning to take driving lessons this fall so hopefully next time I go I can drive around and see a little more of Maine, but that's for 2016.

Interview with blogging and podcasting mom of 7-year-old transgender girl

Over at Salon, I interviewed Marlo Mack about her blog, Gendermom, and How to Be a Girl podcast on raising her 7-year-old transgender daughter. She had such wonderful things to say about listening to her daughter, believing in her and navigating the various other people and institutions they have to deal with in ways that value their daughter's health and safety. Very proud of this one! And not just because Laverne Cox liked it, though that was cool.