Leslie Glass's Blog, page 426

Veterans Cross Boundaries For A Living

Veterans have defended our borders and were deployed overseas to cross enemy lines. They are required to cross boundaries that would never be permitted or socially acceptable in civilian life. How does breaking civilian boundaries in the military make it difficult to return to normal at home?

Crossing And Defending Boundaries Hurts Our Health

When civilians are constantly defending their personal boundaries, we get physically sick. Drs. Cloud and Townsend explain in their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life:

Many clinical psychological symptoms, such as: depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, guilt problems, sharing issues, panic disorders, marital and relational struggles find their root in conflicts with boundaries.

Members of our armed forces use tactics of war to take on terrorists and drug czars. What does the day-to-day stress of service in war look like? Here’s Col. Jessup’s famous description from A Few Good Men, which was based on a Git-mo (Guantanamo Bay) code red:

Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom… And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall.

Defending America’s Boundaries Hurts Vets’ Health

Veterans pay a high price for protecting these boundaries. From RAND, of the 2.7 million Iraq and Afghanistan veterans:

20% suffer from PTSD and/or depression
50% of the veterans who suffer from PTSD seek treatment, and then only half of them get “minimally adequate” treatment
14% suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder; 39% from alcohol abuse; 3% from drug abuse
5,000 to 8,000 veterans commit suicide each year, equaling 22 veteran suicides every day
Almost 50,000 veterans are homeless per the National Alliance to End Homelessness

Let’s take just a few minutes not just on Veteran’s Day, but every day to thank the brave men and women in our military, who happen also to be our family, members. Thank you for your love of country and family and service to the great United States of America, God Bless you all.

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Despite Anti-LGBT Rhetoric, Companies Are Gayer Than Ever

Companies across the U.S. are becoming friendlier to the LGBT community, with a record-breaking 609 businesses earning a top score by the Human Rights Center (HRC).

LGBT people aren’t explicitly protected by federal non-discrimination law, which is one reason the HRC evaluates how U.S. companies are treating their LGBT employees.

The HRC says this release is coming at a pivotal time. Despite anti-LGBT rights rhetoric from the current administration, LGBT activists fearing setbacks, and the looming Supreme Court case on the religious freedom of a cake baker, a historic number of LGBT people were elected into public office earlier this week.

“At a time when the rights of LGBTQ people are under attack by the Trump-Pence Administration and state legislatures across the country, hundreds of top American companies are driving progress toward equality in the workplace,” said HRC President Chad Griffin. “Many of these companies have also become vocal advocates for equality in the public square, including the dozens that have signed on to amicus briefs in vital Supreme Court cases and the 106 corporate supporters of the Equality Act.”

The HRC—the nation’s largest civil rights organization fighting for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer equality—released its annual Corporate Equality Index (CEI), in which it rates hundreds of companies on their LGBT-friendly policies and practices.

This is the 17th year of the HRC’s rating system, and it’s the biggest yet, with 609 businesses earning the top score of 100—an increase on last year’s 517. Of the employers in the equality index with global operations, 98 percent extend sexual orientation and gender identity-based workplace protections throughout their international operations, opening up their access to LGBT rights across nations.

The companies rated submitted surveys on non-discrimination policies, transgender health coverage and their public commitment to LGBT equality.

Most notably is the absence of Walmart from the index. The number one Fortune 500 company scored 100 on last year’s index, but since it received two LGBT-related employment complaints, its ranking has been suspended. One of the complaints included denying access to healthcare for a transgender employee.

Among the companies that scored a perfect 100 for the first time are Allstate Insurance Co., Dollar General Corp., FedEx Corp., Kohl’s Corp., L’Oréal USA Inc. and Tiffany & Co.

Another 65 companies made their mark on HRC’s index for the first time this year too, including Dunkin’ Donuts, GoDaddy, Warby Parker and Lyft.

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5 Tips To Process Grief About Addiction

Grief is a common reaction to having a family member who misuses of drugs and/or alcohol. Substance use disorders (SUDs) affects the whole family, even those who don’t use. Chaos and disruption affect daily life, and the fear of an overdose is a constant stressor. Some of the most common feelings are sadness and anger. Grief is processed in many ways, and grief recovery is varied. Here are some basic tips to help you and your family cope, no matter whether the user is an adult, teen, or child. Empowering family is the outcome of doing grief work.

Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain

Accepting that a loved one’s using is a grief process for everyone. The first step is looking honestly at the problem. Allowing painful feelings to exist is the next step. Don’t deny what’s happening. Let everyone process their own grief in their own time frame. Also, you may even set aside specific family time to discuss the problems. Talking about the effects upon the family and what you can do about it is a positive reaction.

Understand The Grief Process

Grief encompasses various feelings: anger, sadness, loss, confusion, rage, frustration, etc. All feelings are acceptable – feelings aren’t right or wrong – they just are. Grief is a healthy response to loss. some important losses are:

Safety from an intoxicated, angry addict
Support and love from a family member
Family income or housing
Childhood innocence with a child who is using
 Cohesive family system.

While all feelings are acceptable, acting-out behaviors and chaos are not acceptable. An example is a teenager starts getting drunk when he sees his mother doing this. The teen justifies his own behavior. Or an older starts starts abusing his siblings just as his father does when he’s high.

Ask Others For Help

Since we know that “secrets keep us sick,” a good way to process the grief is to ask others for help. This may include:

Asking for a listening ear from a friend
Seeking religious/spiritual help from a spiritual leader
Attending a grief support group.
Seeking family counseling (even if the addict refuses counseling) Counseling can be a safe place to talk about what this addiction is doing to the family and finding more ways of coping.
12-step groups such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Ala-Teen or Codependency Anonymous are fantastic groups to seek help, speak your truth, and get support for the grief you are experiencing.

Take Care Of Yourself And Family Members

The family needs to both survive and thrive during this difficult time. This means to:

Continue to do family activities
Attend school activities
Participate in church/temple/synagogue
Make time to have fun. Because of the stress, it is even more valuable for family members to have leisure activities and fun times.
Taking care of the basics: healthy eating, exercising, and sleeping.

These are ways to express grief in a healthy manner.

Shift Your Feelings and Behavior

 Grief,  while often devastating, can also be a motivator for change. If the family doesn’t make healthy changes, then the addict, whether an adult or a child, will continue to use and cause disruption in the family. By making healthy choices such as grieving, the family can move on. This doesn’t mean the grief is over, but that you can adapt to the grief, and the family situation. in healthy ways.

Getting Unstuck

Just, remember that feeling grief is a natural response to addictions. By working through your bereavement, you and the entire family can heal through the devastating impact of a loved one with untreated addiction. Grief is a process – it doesn’t happen in a day or a week – but it maneuvers around your life – and if you allow yourself to maneuver with it, you can heal through the grief. This is the empowerment of the family.

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Poor Body Image Fed My Drug Use

I’ve always been the big girl. In pre-school, I compared the size of my thighs to the next girl next to me. In middle school I was put on a diet. Finally by my teens, I discovered the miracle cure: drugs. For the next twenty years, I used drugs control my poor body image.

Restrict, lose weight, become popular and attractive to men, binge, gain weight and become unpopular/unattractive, restrict and regain control. I repeated this cycle for my entire teens, twenties, and early thirties.

I Felt Ugly And Huge From An Early Age

As a young child, I never learned to have a healthy relationship with my body.  I was taller than most of my peers, but like most kids, I didn’t want to be different. I just wanted to fit in. My peers did what kids do best; they pointed out my differences. Hence, I was nicknamed Big Bird.

I never received affirmation that I was: worthy enough, beautiful enough, or capable enough, and I never thought to question others perception of me. Instead, I accepted it as the truth. I learned that my self-worth and social acceptability depended on the image of my body.

A Dangerous Fix For My Poor Body Image

When I discovered that cigarettes, alcohol, and amphetamines enabled me to restrict my appetite, I was hooked. Inevitably, I lost weight because I’d starve myself during the day, eating just one meal in the evening. I wouldn’t eat at all at weekends. I watched with palpable excitement as I starved, lost weight, and suddenly became attractive to boys. Of course, that made the girls hate me even more—no news there.

As I gained popularity among the boys, I started hanging around with people much older than me. These teenagers and young men took heavier drugs. Before long, I was taking amphetamines on a regular basis, and becoming involved in increasingly precarious positions—like hanging out with a 36 year old drug dealer.

The puppy fat dropped off and I transformed into a young woman. For the first time in my life I felt a level of control. While I loved the newfound attention—that was nearly as addictive as the drugs—I still had a poor body image. I’d look at myself in the mirror with disgust. All I saw were my imperfections:

Too much fat on my hips
Too tall
My hair wasn’t straight enough
My skin was spotty.

Of course, as a teenager, it didn’t help that my perception of the perfect body was communicated via glossy magazines—of women who were stick thin, with airbrushed skin that glowed, and beautifully straight hair. If I can just lose another ten, or twenty pounds, I can be as happy as them.

Body Image Doesn’t Equate Happiness

Their image was no more a reflection of their happiness than mine.

An image tells you nothing of someone’s state of mind. I might have been thinner, with a modicum of perceived self-control over my weight, but I was always looking for more faults—and I always found them.

When I was two years sober, I woke up. I realized my self-esteem had nothing to do with how I looked. And how I looked had nothing to do with my self-worth. Recovery enabled me to see myself, and not the outer shell: the inner me. I finally saw:

The beauty in my talents
That I was smart
I had a dry wit that people adored
My warmth made people feel accepted and loved
My crazy talent for communicating my feelings on screen
An ability to connect to others innermost self
People told me that I disarmed their barriers.

Now that is true beauty.

The Root Cause Of My Addiction

The longer I’ve been in recovery, the more I’ve lessened my grip on controlling my appearance. As I worked on my desire to escape myself with substance, I realized food is but a facet of addiction. Food was another vehicle for my escapism.

By becoming present, and eating nutritious foods, I’ve stopped unhealthy and restrictive behaviors. I’ve finally fallen in love with myself. My life has shown me I had it the wrong way around: I had to start loving my insides first. After I learned to love my inner beauty, I was able to see my external beauty:

My height
The sparkle in my crystal blue eyes
The depth in my wavy brunette hair
The womanly curves that carry this beauty around all day

Today, I’m absolutely enough.

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Challenging Situations Impact Memory

If you find that challenging situations tend to leave you disoriented, you’re not alone. New research from Austria has found that challenging situations, regardless of whether they are positive or negative, can affect our subconscious ability to understand where we are and what’s happening around us. The finding could play a key role in better understanding human memory when it comes to witnessing a crime to how we act when under duress.

For the study, published online in Frontiers, a research team from the University of Innsbruck in Austria had 13 adult volunteers with no history of mental illness watch “challenging clips” that depicted either a positive, negative, or neutral situation. The positive challenging situation was a sex scene while the negatively challenging situation was a violent scene, and neutral scenes were not emotionally stimulating.

Challenges and stress can mess with your brain. Matt Cardy/Getty Images

After watching the clips, the volunteers were asked to complete a test that would measure their ability to memorize where objects were in the scenes. Results showed that both those who watched the negative and positive challenging videos had trouble recalling where objects were in the video and had trouble noticing patterns in two other unrelated tasks. On the other hand, those who watched the neutral video had no measurable cognition troubles.

This is not the first time research has suggested that certain experiences can affect human cognition. For example, a 2002 study from Murdoch University, published online in Current Psychology, found that high amounts of stress can cause individuals to create false memories, and those who tend to describe situations with more vivid imagery are more vulnerable to creating false memories when under high amounts of stress.

The study concluded that based on these results therapists should be careful that certain memory recollection techniques do not accidentally guide patients in the creation of false memories.

The Austrian team may have identified the biological mechanism behind this disorientated cognition in stressful situations. They suggest that these experiences may affect the participants’ hippocampus region of the brain. This region of the brain is associated with memory and if perhaps stressful situations could affect the hippocampus by downgrading function in certain situations, it may explain lapses in memory and cognition. However, more research is needed to prove this.

“Changes in cognition during high arousal states play an important role in psychopathology,” the researchers explained in a press release.

The authors say these findings could have very wide applications, both in therapeutic situations to help individuals heal from challenging situations and life experiences, and in the criminal justice field to better determine the accuracy of witness recollection.

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Pentagon Use Of Unapproved Drugs On Battlefield

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), chairman of the Armed Services Committee, speaks to journalists after party caucus luncheons on Capitol Hill last month. He backs a proposal to give the Pentagon authority to use unapproved drugs and devices in battlefield situations. (Melina Mara/The Washington Post)

Should the Pentagon be allowed to authorize the use of unapproved drugs and medical devices on an emergency basis for combat soldiers?

That question has sparked a furious battle this week among some of Washington’s biggest power players, with the Defense Department and its congressional advocates on one side and the Food and Drug Administration and the health committees on the other.

The Capitol Hill clash was set off by a provision in the annual defense authorization bill.

The provision would allow the secretary of defense to authorize the emergency use of drugs and devices that have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration. The permission would apply to military personnel who are outside the United States. The purpose, the bill says, would be “to reduce the number of deaths or the severity of harm to members of the armed forces . . . caused by a risk or agent of war.”

Under current law, the FDA has the sole authority to make decisions on medical products, including during an emergency. The Defense Department can ask the FDA to grant an emergency authorization to use unapproved drugs and devices if there’s a threat of a chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear agents.

The FDA and leaders of congressional health committees say that giving the Pentagon the authority to decide whether to use unapproved drugs and devices could expose soldiers to dangerous products. Members of the defense panels and the Pentagon argue that the measure would save lives by ensuring that soldiers in combat situations get cutting-edge treatments.

Capitol Hill talks to resolve the dispute are now underway. The FDA and the leaders of the health committees favor a different approach that would create an expedited process for the Pentagon’s emergency-use requests. That would be similar to the FDA’s “breakthrough” designation for promising drugs for serious or life-threatening conditions. If lawmakers agree on new language, it could be offered as an amendment to the defense bill or in future legislation. The House-Senate conference report, filed Wednesday, which includes the provision to allow unapproved drugs and devices, could be voted on by the House as soon as next week.

Regardless of the outcome of the talks, the disagreement, first reported by Politico, put on public display an  internal rift within the administration and in Republican congressional ranks.

FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb, in remarks at an event on the opioid epidemic sponsored by the Hill on Tuesday, expressed unhappiness with the defense-bill language, saying medical-product approvals should be kept under his agency’s control.

“We think we provide a level of oversight that helps ensure the safety of products, helps follow-up to make sure that if there are adverse events we’re monitoring them, we’re collecting that information,” he said.

Navy Cmdr. Gary Ross, a Pentagon spokesman, said that the Defense Department, if given the emergency authorization, would exercise caution.

“Patient safety is at the heart of everything we do,” he said. “If DOD is given this authority, we would work closely with our FDA colleagues to ensure lifesaving treatments are fielded quickly while protecting patient safety.”

Under the defense bill’s language, the Pentagon would be required to create a panel of outside experts to recommend when an unapproved product should be used, and defense officials would have to consult with the FDA — but would not have to follow its advice.

Congressional supporters of the provision say lawmakers are frustrated over what they see as FDA delays in approving freeze-dried plasma, a dehydrated form of plasma that is intended to be quickly reconstituted and given to soldiers during military operations. Such plasma is being used by a small number of U.S. troops under limited permission from FDA, and by some U.S. allies.

“Members feel like if the secretary of defense thinks this is a life-and-death situation and there’s something on the market internationally that can make a difference but hasn’t been approved by the FDA, there ought to be a way to short-circuit the process and get it on the battlefield as soon as we can,” a House aide said.

Gottlieb said that the FDA could approve the plasma as soon as 2018, more quickly than if the Pentagon had to develop its own review process.

The defense-bill provision is strongly supported by Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman John McCain (R-Ariz.) and House Armed Services Committee Chairman Mac Thornberry (R-Tex.).

Critics include Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.) chairman of the Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee, Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.), chairman of the Intelligence Committee, and Rep. Greg Walden, (R-Ore.), House Energy and Commerce Committee.

Michael Carome, director of Public Citizen’s Health Research Group, said it was a “horrible idea” for the Pentagon to get authorization to use unapproved materials on troops. “It will endanger the FDA’s authority and endanger the soldiers,” he said.

Some critics pointed to the Pentagon’s past failures to protect soldiers from potentially dangerous experimentation. For example, for many years during the last century, thousands of troops were exposed to mustard gas, hallucinogens and other dangerous substances without their knowledge.

 

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4 Good High Fat Foods

Remember when we used to think that dietary fat was bad? We believed that “fat makes you fat,” but now know that obesity is more complex than just overeating a single nutrient. It’s amazing how much research now exists on the benefits of fat. It can help quell inflammation, assist with weight control and protect against heart disease, diabetes and cognitive decline.

But before you dive headfirst into a vat of lard, recognize that the type of fat you choose matters. Your best bets are foods that are high in monounsaturated and omega-3 polyunsaturated fats — especially when these foods replace items that are high in trans fat or sugar.

You can get more of these beneficial fats in your diet by adding fish, nuts, seeds, oil and avocado to your meals. Here are four of my favorite fat-rich foods:

Almonds

A one-ounce serving of almonds (¼ cup) has six grams of protein, 13 grams of “good” monounsaturated fat, and is a source of fiber, vitamin E and magnesium. Almonds are a perfect snack, especially when they replace less nutritious alternatives like chips or pastries. This was highlighted in a recent study published in the Journal of Nutrition.

In a randomized controlled trial, researchers compared adults who snacked daily on 1.5 ounces of almonds or one banana muffin (both snacks had the same number of calories).

“The group that snacked on almonds had lower LDL (bad) cholesterol levels, but elevated levels of good alpha-1 HDL cholesterol,” explains Penny Kris-Etherton, one of the researchers. Alpha-1 HDL is the form of cholesterol that’s known to be most protective against heart disease. So snack on a handful of almonds, or sprinkle them on salad, soup or yogurt.

Avocado

I’m head over heels for this unctuous, silky fruit (yup, technically it’s a very large berry). In addition to being high in fiber and monounsaturated fat, avocados also contain lutein, a plant pigment that provides their greenish-yellow hue.

In a recent study, Elizabeth Johnson and colleagues at Tufts University looked at how lutein in avocado can positively affect cognition in older adults. They compared adults aged 50+ whose diets included one avocado per day vs. a control group, and learned that avocado eaters had increased lutein levels, significantly improved memory and better problem-solving skills.

“Higher levels of lutein are related to better visual and cognitive function,” Johnson says.

And while there’s lutein in leafy greens too, it isn’t as well-absorbed by the body because greens contain little fat. “The monounsaturated fat in avocados increases absorption of fat-soluble lutein, and it positively influences lutein’s transport into tissue,” explains Johnson.

Add cubed avocado to salad or atop chili; blend it into soups and smoothies; or dip into some guacamole. Avocado oil is great too.

Olive oil

This liquid gold is a staple in most kitchens, and for good reason. Filled with monounsaturated fats, it’s recommended for heart health. In fact, consuming three tablespoons (about 50 ML) of olive oil per day has been shown to reduce the risk of developing heart disease by 37 percent.

It has also been linked to fighting inflammation, assisting with better cholesterol and blood pressure levels, and helping with weight maintenance (that’s right, folks, fat doesn’t make you fat).

Another perk: olive oil helps your body absorb the fat-soluble vitamins and antioxidants in vegetables, so it’s a perfect salad dressing ingredient.

Chia seeds

About 65 percent of the fat in chia seeds is an omega-3 fat called alpha linolenic acid (ALA). It’s an essential fat that we need to get from food because the body cannot make it. Chia is the highest food source of omega-3 fat.

Research shows that the omega-3 fats from fish have the strongest health benefit, but the plant-based ones have some potential too. ALA may protect the brain against strokes, and is associated with a reduced risk of heart disease. Studies on chia seeds show that they can help reduce blood pressure, control appetite and regulate blood sugar.

These interesting seeds soak up liquid to form a gel, so they’re a great addition to oatmeal, yogurt or pudding. They can be used as an egg replacer in baking, or to thicken soups and gravies.

In addition to their stellar health benefits, these fatty foods have another bonus — they enhance the flavor of your meals. Yep, fat carries flavor (dry toast, anyone? No?) and adds mouth feel. I love when something that tastes great is also good for you.

But remember, researchers use high amounts of fatty foods in their studies. You’re not part of a clinical trial and do not need to consume these amounts. If you add a whole avocado and three tablespoons of oil to your daily diet, you’ll get too many calories. So be practical. When you have salad, make the dressing with olive oil. Use avocado instead of butter on your sandwich. Snack on almonds rather than chips. Small changes add up to a healthier overall diet.

Registered dietitian Cara Rosenbloom is president of Words to Eat By, a nutrition communications company specializing in writing, nutrition education and recipe development. She is the co-author of “Nourish: Whole Food Recipes Featuring Seeds, Nuts and Beans.”

 

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Alternatives to Opioids for Pain Relief

By NICHOLAS BAKALAR
November 8, 2017

A combination of Tylenol and Advil worked just as well as opioids for relief of pain in the emergency room, a randomized trial has found.

Researchers studied 416 men and women who arrived in the E.R. with moderate to severe pain in their arms or legs from sprains, strains, fractures or other injuries. They randomly assigned them to an oral dose of acetaminophen (Tylenol) with either ibuprofen (Advil) or the opioids oxycodone, hydrocodone or codeine. Two hours later, they questioned them using an 11-point pain scale.

The average score was 8.7 before taking medicine. That score decreased 4.3 points with ibuprofen and Tylenol, 4.4 with oxycodone and Tylenol, 3.5 with hydrocodone and Tylenol, and 3.9 with codeine and Tylenol. In other words, there was no significant difference, either statistically or clinically, among any of the four regimens. The study is in JAMA.

The lead author, Dr. Andrew K. Chang, a professor of emergency medicine at Albany Medical College, said that while any single patient might find opioids more effective, on average, even for the severe pain of fractures, non-opioids worked just as well.

“Some docs will reflexively give an opioid to anyone with a fracture,” Dr. Chang said. “But if we can give the non-opioid and show the patient that it works, we can help with this ongoing opioid problem.”

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10 Ways Narcissists Take Control

What is a narcissist, you might ask. Are you controlled by one? Narcissists are the most confusing (and dangerous) people on earth.  If they are toxic or malignant narcissists, they take control and rob you of your independence in every way. Don’t confuse a garden variety selfish person with a full on narcissist or sociopath.

See it coming and run for the hills. What’s difficult to assess in the beginning is that narcissists can seem super nice and generous and caring. Then slowly things begin to change as their masks slip and they morph into the black hole of need, of demand, of criticism. And the list goes on. Until you’re walking through a minefield, trying not to be punished for offending.

A narcissist will commonly choose someone raised to be co-dependent as prey. Co-dependent people tend to be nice, sweet, reasonable, eager to please. They can be taken in because they don’t see what’s coming and don’t believe people can be toxic for no reason. Most people don’t know how to defend ourselves against a chronic malicious controller. They just can’t see the hurt coming and, over time, they are destructively conditioned to take more and more of it until they are tiptoeing through a mine field, fearful that they are the crazy ones. A narcissist will take control by any means at hand. Let us count 10 common ways: 

1. Gaslighting

We’ve written a lot about gaslighting a lot, and how destructive it is. This is not an official psychological term. When you are gaslighted, you feel uncomfortable and know something toxic has occurred, but the narcissist in your life tells you: “That didn’t happen. You imagined it. You’re crazy.” In a nutshell you’re lied to and that makes you doubt yourself. Gaslighting may be the most insidious manipulative tactic. A steady diet of doubting your ability to tell it like it really is alters your sense of reality. Your self-doubt eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in labeling and calling out abuse and mistreatment.

Solution Write events down so you have a record later. Have a trusted group of friends and relations you can share information with who can validate what really happened, so you are grounded in reality. Your reality is sacred and needs respect. Note, telling and discussing what’s happening to you with others who love you is different from triangulation, which is using others to cause conflict. Best case scenario, get away from people who gaslight you. If they’re family members, limit their access to you.

2. Projecting Negative Feelings On You

Projection is a defense mechanism narcissists use to displace responsibility of their negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. Narcissists cannot bear to think of themselves as bad, responsible for anything, angry, or difficult. Narcissists are constantly projecting feelings that they cannot tolerate outward to others rather than turning inward. They can’t admit or own up to what they have done. The narcissist creates his own world. Everything revolves around him/her. He believes that he is the initiator and master of his personal and professional domain. Everyone else has a role and that is of serving him and his specific purposes.

“You’re mad. You’re sulking, and you’re ruining my day…” are things they say to keep you off center. Projection is when narcissists dump their own traits on unsuspecting suspects. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, narcissists expect others to take responsibility for their bad behavior and feel ashamed. “I’m sorry. I love you,” is the response they want. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

Solution: Detach. Detach, and detach. Feeling sorry for them and trying to deny the charge, or explain yourself, only opens the way to further manipulation. Narcissists rarely have an interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you don’t lose your own identity and independence of thought.

3. Creating Word Salad Conflicts

Narcissists thrive on conflict. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track.

Word salads and nonsensical conversations often erupt into arguments and are used to discredit, confuse, and frustrate you. The goal is to distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for having independent thoughts, opinions, and feelings that might differ from their own. In the eyes of a narcissist, you are the problem if you happen to exist and disagree in any way.

Solution: When conversations go in a circle, or become nonsensical, don’t get frustrated. Frustration or anger is what a narcissist wants. Change the subject, or walk away. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” will set a boundary. Boundary setting is crucial for people you want to keep in your life. 

4. Nitpicking and Game Changing

Did you already fulfill someone’s need to be excessively catered to? Are you dressing for them cooking for them, working on yourself constantly to always be in a good mood, to be lovable and worthy? Now it’s time for a narcissist change what’s required. Little things you already corrected will need tweaking. New goals are set. Constant criticism of things you do that used to be praised puts you into a confused and anxious state. There’s no point to the new demands or criticism except for you to work harder for narcissist’s approval and validation.

By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and focusing on it, narcissists divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you’re going to have to meet – until eventually you’re always bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need – only to realize they will never be satisfied.

Solution: Don’t get sucked into the conversation about whatever you’ve done wrong. Stop the tape. Disengage by taking a break. Acknowledge to yourself this is nonsense. Your opinion matters. If you are asking yourself, “Am I crazy” several times a day: Detach, detach, detach.

5. Misrepresenting Your Thoughts, Opinions, and Feelings

Your toxic narcissist is a mind reader.  Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling, and it’s never good. Their own triggers drive their reactions, so they never evaluate what’s really happening. They put words in your mouth, depict you as having a bad intention or toxic view you don’t have. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic – even before you’ve gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior – and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.

Narcissists reframe what you’re saying to make your opinions look absurd. Let’s say you bring up the fact that you’re unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” or “So I’m the bad one,” when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to take away your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.

Solution: Simply stating, “I never said that,” and walking away can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. As long as the narcissist’s smokescreen and blame-shifting to you works the focus is off their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be “shamed” for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.

6. Changing The Subject

This is another smokescreen tactic. This one diverts a conversation about what a narcissist did, or does, in another direction. Often the redirect lands on one of your weaknesses. Narcissists don’t want you to on hold them accountable for anything. Complaining about their behavior? They’ll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like “What about the time when…”

Solution: Diversions need to be redirected back to the original subject. “That’s not what I am talking about. Let’s stay focused on the real issue.” If the broken record continues to focus on you, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive – like not having a debate with someone who has the mental age of a toddler.

7. Smearing and Stalking

Toxic narcissists will slander you and report back to your loved ones, their loved ones, and anyone who will listen. They create stories that depict you as abusive and pretend they are the victims of your abuse. They claim that you engage in the behaviors that they don’t want you to accuse them of. Even worse, they deliberately abuse you so they can use your angry reactions against you.

A smear campaign sabotages your reputation and slanders your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on if you decide to detach and cut ties. A malignant narcissist may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to “expose” the truth about you. Smearing you hides their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

Solution: Get help. Seriously. Don’t wait until this goes too far. This is more than hurtful. Stick to the facts and don’t react when you’re an object of a smear campaign. In high-conflict divorces narcissists will use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents, and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible. Find a therapist and a lawyer familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder if necessary.

8. Triangulating

Triangulation is bringing the opinion, perspective or threat of another person, or other people, into the relationship dynamic.  Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members to bolster their claims about you. “Everyone knows what you do to me.” When a narcissist changes the story so that you appear the aggressor, it validates the toxic person’s abuse. At the same time, it invalidates your reaction to abuse. Triangulation puts you on the defensive and makes it difficult for others to know what’s really going on. If you try to defend yourself too vigorously, that may also validate the other person’s claims.

Triangulation can also create love triangles that leave you on the outside feeling unhinged and insecure. They also use the opinions of others (that they have influenced) to validate their point of view.

This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself – if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn’t that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.

Solution: To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation.

9. Preemptive Defense Posturing

Preemptive defense is setting up a false nice guy front. Narcissists paint themselves in glowing terms all the time, stressing qualities they don’t have. “I’m a nice person.” Or, “I’m too nice. Or “You can trust me…I really care about people. I would never hurt you, or anyone.” There’s no basis in fact for these assertions.

Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first building a solid foundation of trust. When you see their false mask begin to slip periodically during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, the true self is revealed to be terrifyingly cold, callous and contemptuous.

Solution: To counter a preemptive defense, reevaluate why a person may be emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you don’t trust them, or because they know you shouldn’t? Trust actions more than words and see how someone’s actions reveal who they really are.

10. Bait and Sugarcoating

Toxic individuals love to mess with you. A simple comment may bait you into responding politely initially, but by the third jab it’s hard not to react. Then the narcissist feigns innocence. They use your insecurities maliciously to provoke you. After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer.

Solution: Remember you’re being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether. Provocative statements, name-calling, hurtful accusations or unsupported generalizations, for example, are common baiting tactics. Your gut instinct can also tell you when you’re being baited. Feeling bad about what another is saying and expounding on is a red flag for you to get some space and detach.

The control that narcissists have over their victims is no joking matter. Become aware and take steps to take care of yourself. You may need help getting away and healing. If you are deeply embroiled and there are children involved, or if you don’t feel safe, find legal and other help to protect you.

The post 10 Ways Narcissists Take Control appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

My First AA Meeting

Empty room with chairs

Pondering the tragedy of addiction and the miracle of recovery is what we do at Reach Out Recovery (ROR). As a founder of ROR, I think about addiction and recovery almost all the time. Addiction is a global pandemic. Recovery is one important solution. Yet, addiction and recovery are not yet linked in public awareness.

One reason is that addiction is so catastrophic and so persistent that many people don’t believe that recovering from it is possible. Others don’t know that 12-step programs can help pretty much anyone impacted by addiction.

It’s easier not to do the research

As a journalist and mystery writer, I was used to doing research. I knew all about addiction from the law enforcement side. My novels showed the kinds of crimes that could result from substance abuse. When my own loved ones became addicted, however, I didn’t do the research. I was an educated person and, I thought, a good and caring Mom. I simply couldn’t believe that addiction (think crazy homeless people under the bridge and a lot worse) might happen to someone in my own family. It was unthinkable. I wasn’t attending any meetings to explore how I would feel and what I would do if it got a lot worse. I just hoped and prayed it wouldn’t.

Addiction is scary

Addiction is so frightening that a parent or spouse can remain in denial for a long time, even forever. Family members also think if only their loved ones receive treatment, or stop using, life will return to normal. The addiction dynamic doesn’t go away simply because someone stops using. The causes and the wreckage of addiction need to be dealt with, too.

My 12 Step Research

It was only after my loved ones went into recovery (for maybe the tenth time) that I began my own research and recovery journey. Whether my child recovered or not, this time I needed some help restoring my own life. I started by attending an open AA meeting. I wanted to know what it feels like to give up the thing you love most and then have to live in a world that’s all about drinking. It took me 15 years to be willing to learn.

My first AA meeting

I didn’t walk into a room full of strangers as I hoped I would. As a local person and a magazine writer, I knew people in that AA church group, and they were surprised to see me. I hadn’t told anyone about addiction in my family, and I wasn’t known as a big drinker. What was I doing at AA?

I called it research

At that AA meeting I heard some interesting things, and wanted to know more. Wanting to know more is what journalists do. Things always occur to me when I go on site visits, like prison, or when I attended to civilian police academy , or learned how to shoot a gun. At AA it occurred to me that not drinking myself might give me some more insight into the nature of addiction and sobriety. I also thought my not drinking might create a new bond between me and loved ones who were struggling with substance abuse.

Curiosity is a great thing

I took a chip to see what it would feel like and made a commitment not to have a martini or a glass of wine—well, maybe not forever, but for three months or so. Call me shallow, I also thought I might lose some weight. For me it was like giving something up for Lent. Except it was in August, and it has lasted for nine years on August 25, 2017. I wasn’t a heavy drinker, but sobriety opened my eyes to the benefits of a different kind of life. Personal research brought me and my family together and taught us a new way of communicating. I’d say that was a benefit I wasn’t expecting.

That’s the message we want to send

Family members do sometimes attend AA meetings, but many have never been to one. For me, the encounter with AA led to an exploration of Al-Anon where I learned a lot more about the addiction family dynamic and leading a healthier, happier life. And that’s how my passion for recovery education began.

Content Originally Published By: Leslie Glass @ Reach Out Recovery

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The post My First AA Meeting appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.