Leslie Glass's Blog, page 417

Why We Ignore Unhealthy Relationship Clues

In a toxic relationship we may ask ourselves why didn’t we see the unhealthy relationship clues sooner? The answer is often that we did see red flags, but choose to ignore them at the time. Why do we do that?

For many it is the hope that the problem will disappear on its own and our fantasy will continue uninterrupted
For others, it is because we have been taught that relationships are hard work and we must compromise. These include cultural pressures to stay in the relationship no matter what
Some ignore the red flags because of the inconvenience of seeing them. We may have to make big changes such as the place where we live, our finances, or have to learn to be alone

According to Susan Biali M.D. @ Psychology Today “Until you start changing the actions you take in response to red flags, you’re always going to get the same results. The red flags are not the problem. It’s what you DO with that information – which is usually nothing – that gets you into trouble.”

Here are some typical red flags that occur in many relationships.

The Flag

The Excuse

The Reality

They are consistently telling you how perfect you are.
“That is wonderful. I feel so special and appreciated. What could be wrong with that?”
It may sound wonderful at first, but it is utterly miserable being placed on a pedestal. The other person doesn’t see the real you. They project an idea of perfection onto you and will get upset anytime you act like a flawed normal human being.


They don’t want you to go away for the weekend with your friends.
“They are obsessed with me and can’t stand the idea of being away from me. They love me so much.”
Possessiveness arises from insecurities. It reflects the injured and degraded self-esteem of that person. Obsession is a perfume not a form of love.


They abuse alcohol, drugs, or behavioral addictions to relax.
“Everyone has their own way to relax. So, what if he or she gets wasted occasionally.”
According to the National Institute of Health, drug addiction is a complex disease, and quitting usually takes more than good intentions or a strong will. Drugs change the brain in ways that make quitting hard, even for those who want to.


They don’t do housework, hold a job for long, or plan any social events for the two of you.
“It is just easier for me to take care of the housework. His/her boss was not fair to him/her. I don’t mind planning things for the two of us. I am just better at those kinds of things.”
“Under-Functioning” adults typically don’t show a history of financial independence or taking full responsibility for their own physical welfare and/or activities of daily living. They constantly need advice. They often zone out in front of TV or video games.They expect others to take care of them.

The unhealthy relationship clues that appear in many relationships are easy to spot if we would simply choose to believe what we are seeing. Even more confusing is when people will actually tell you the truth and we simply choose not to believe them.

Maya Angelo said it best, “When a person says to you, ‘I’m selfish,’ or ‘I’m mean’ or ‘I am unkind,’ believe them. They know themselves much better than you do.”

Even if someone doesn’t tell you directly your gut will confirm the truth about what you see.  Do you often feel you must ignore what is plainly in sight in order to keep the status quo in your relationship?

The good news is we are left with a sense of relief when we finally accept reality. While it is difficult to face the new challenges of acknowledging unhealthy relationship clues, ultimately we are comforted by the knowledge that we are not crazy. In fact, our gut/intuition was working just fine. It may feel as though we are being gaslighted by the people we love, but sometimes we are the ones doing the gaslighting to ourselves.

A Reach Out Recovery Exclusive By: Nadine Knapp

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The post Why We Ignore Unhealthy Relationship Clues appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

The Friend Who Diagnoses Too Much

 

 

December 1, 2017




Social Q’s
By PHILIP GALANES

I have a friend who diagnoses people. Her son has Asperger’s; her husband has A.D.H.D.; her dog is hyperactive. She spends a lot of time with doctors. I suspect she’s over-diagnosed and overmedicated the whole family. But I’m not a doctor, so I’ve said nothing. Now that her family is under treatment, she is diagnosing others. “That boy is obsessed with cards. He must be autistic.” Or: “Look at that hyperactive girl. She clearly has A.D.H.D.” This is very annoying, especially when she talks about people I like. What to do?

AMANDA

Bear with me, Amanda, because my first move may really annoy you. After my dad took his life unexpectedly, my mom saw undiagnosed depression everywhere she looked. Makes sense, right? (What made slightly less sense was her buying a blood pressure monitor and driving around town measuring people’s hypertension.) I think she blamed herself for missing something with my father, and she was determined not to repeat that mistake.

Your friend may be anxious about illness, too. What you’re hearing as criticism or judgment of the people she diagnoses may be fear. Plenty of us try to control our uncontrollable world by labeling the things that terrify us. Still, that doesn’t make it any less annoying for an untrained civilian to be passing out medical opinions like Tic Tacs. But it may change the way we approach her.

If she’s anxious, saying something sensible, like “Let’s leave the diagnoses to professionals,” will probably be useless. She’s self-soothing. Try to draw her out, instead. “Have you always been so concerned with illness? Why is that?” Her response may give you a more sympathetic view of her psychology. (You may also learn why she’s the only one without a diagnosis.)

My Sister the Skeptic

Over Thanksgiving, my sister made some nasty comments about the women who’ve come forward in the sexual harassment and assault cases that have been in the news. She disbelieves the women. (For reference, I am a man.) I was appalled but didn’t know what to say. Suggestions?

ANONYMOUS

Color me not as surprised as you, Anonymous. Men and women grow up side by side. It doesn’t shock me (though it bums me out) that a woman raised in a system that allows for harassment and abuse may be more comfortable attacking accusers than questioning a culture that produces abusers. We’re seeped in the power of men!

Next time, walk her through one of the meticulously reported stories of harassment — or don’t. For some nonbelievers, this may be analogous to the gay rights movement: They may need to know one brave accuser personally before believing (and supporting) the others. But never fear: I suspect there are many still to come.

Friend or Ghost?

I have a close friend who doesn’t respond to calls or texts when she wants to get out of a plan we’ve made. Then she claims to have “missed the messages.” This seemed plausible the first time, but after six more, not so much. The last time, I wanted to say something because the lie was transparent, and it hurt my feelings. But I don’t want to spoil our relationship. Any ideas?

J. D.

This is a common problem — by which I mean, I have behaved as badly as your friend. I was fearful that saying no to invitations, or “I’ve had a rough day. Can we reschedule?” would make my pals angry. So, I froze and did nothing, then cooked up some baloney to feed them later. It’s childish (and scarily self-important), but we all have our weak points.

Be a friend and help out. The next time you have dinner, say: “Amy, I’ll be fine if you want to cancel plans or reschedule. But pretending you didn’t get my texts hurts my feelings. Can you be more careful about that?” It didn’t spoil the relationship when my friend called me out. Like you, he was only asking to be treated respectfully.

He’s the Cat’s Meow — and Allergic to It, Too

I just started dating a very nice guy. And I mean “just.” We’ve had two dates. But he is seriously allergic to cats, and I have one. My apartment is tiny, so I can’t quarantine the cat. Meanwhile, the guy won’t come to my house while the cat is here. Also, I love my cat. How would you deal with this?

SUSAN

Let’s not project too far down the road, either where Mr. Whiskers is concerned or otherwise. Most of us are terrible fortunetellers, and part of the fun of a new relationship is riding the teeter-totter in the moment. (“It’s working!” “It will never work!” “Oh, yes, it will!”) Right now, you’ve met a terrific guy, and you have a magnificent cat. Enjoy them both.

This fellow’s not being able to visit your apartment is a wrinkle. So, go to his place, or when you know each other better, take romantic weekends away. In six months, if things are still going well, we can revisit the cat. But for now, why complicate a good thing?

The post The Friend Who Diagnoses Too Much appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Recovery Slogans Let It Begin With Me

Coffee mug and napkin

Everyone who enters a 12 step program learns some recovery slogans. The idea is that if you say them often enough, you can actually change the way you think. I once heard two people talking about an AA meeting. One person said “I hate hearing the same stupid things over and over.” The other said, “I love it. So simple and comforting. The messages are clear. I always go away knowing exactly what I have to do.”

Moral of the story. One was listening the other, not.  Recovery Slogans Slogans are wisdom written in shorthand!  Here’s the full list from AddictionZ

Recovery Slogans
Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans

AA  formally uses these Simple Slogans to assist members to recover during difficult periods.

Easy Does It
First Things First
Live and let Live
Think……Think…….Think
One Day At a Time
But for the Grace of God
Principles before Personalities

Al-Anon Family Groups Slogans

Al-Anon formally uses the above AA Slogans as well as these slogans to assist members to recover during difficult periods.

Let go and let God
This too shall pass
Let it begin with me
Just for today
Courage to change

Overeaters Anonymous Slogans

Put down the fork
Nothing tastes as good as abstinence
Abstinence is the most important thing in my life

Gamblers Anonymous Slogans

Stay away from the first bet
One day at a Time
Don’t gamble for Today
Get to Meetings
Turn it Over

Other Helpful Saying’s heard around AA and other 12 Step Rooms

Reality Checks

Where ever you go …….there you are
You are not alone
Stay sober for yourself
Look for similarities rather than differences
Remember your last drunk, use, bet etc
Remember that addiction is incurable, progressive, and fatal
It takes time to get better
Depression is anger toward inward
The lesson I must learn is simply that my control is limited to my own behavior, my own attitudes
The flip side to forgiveness is resentments
The elevator is broken——-use the ‘steps’
It isn’t the load that weighs us down——it’s the way we carry it
If I think, I won’t drink. If I drink, I can’t think
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
This is a selfish program
I drank, ate, gambled, etc: too much—too often—too long
Minds are like parachutes—-they won’t work unless they’re open
When your head begins to swell your mind stops growing
A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step
When a person tries to control their addiction they have already lost control

Staying Abstinent

Poor me…..Poor me…… Pour me a drink!
It’s the “first” drink that gets you drunk
One alcoholic talking to another……..
Do it sober
Every recovery from addiction began with one sober Minute
The first step is the only step a person can work perfectly
you are not required to like it, you’re only required to DO IT
Your 12 step program will work if you want it to work
Keep coming back
If you want to drink—–that is your business,  if you want to quit——-that is our business
Don’t compare—identify, don’t intellectualize—-utilize
Stay away from the First Drink, Drug, Bet (apply your specific addiction here)
Nothing is so bad, using won’t make it worse
Most folks commit suicide with a knife and fork (Eating disorders)
First we stayed sober because we have to… then we stay sober because we are willing to…. finally we stay sober because we want to…
One drink is too many and thousand not enough
Try not place conditions on your sobriety
Bring the body and the mind will follow
We all have another drunk left in us but we don’t know if we have another recovery in us
Be as enthusiastic about recovery as you were about your addiction

Daily Living

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem
Use the 24-hour plan
Live in the NOW
Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth
To keep it (recovery), you have to give it away
What goes around, comes around
Keep an open mind
Do the next “right thing”
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere
To thine own self be true
There are two days in every week which we have no control over—-yesterday and tomorrow. today is the only day we can change.
When wallowing in your self-pity …… get off the cross! We need the wood
Learn a new dance – the old  “Cross – Pot Shuffle” is out of vogue
Act as if………
It is not the experience of today that drives people mad—-it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
Get it —give it—grow in it
Every day is a gift that is why we call it the ‘present’
Dry and tighten up (financially)
Before engaging your mouth, put your mind in gear!
Recovery is an education without a graduation
Easy does it, but do it
When all else fails, follow directions
Addicts heal from the outside in………but feel from the inside out
Stick with the winners
Look after the Little Things
Keep coming back……….it works if you work it
Sobriety is a journey ……….not a destination
We are only as sick as our secrets
Share your happiness
Share your pain
Count your blessings
We’re responsible for the effort – not the outcome!
Sorrow is looking back, Worry is looking around
Formula for failure: try to please everyone
Humility is our acceptance of ourselves

Enjoy your Recovery

Sober `n` crazy
How does one become an “old-timer”? Don’t drink or use and don’t die!
We addict’s are ‘gifted’ people
We don’t carry the alcoholic/ addict – we carry the message
The 12 steps tell us how it works; the 12 traditions tell us why it works………
Your 12 step program won’t ………..keep you from going to hell………….nor is it a ticket to heaven…………but it will………..keep u sober long enough………for you to make up your mind……………which way you want to go!
The person with the most sobriety at a meeting is the one who got up earliest that morning
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; It is thinking of yourself less.

Denial

What if………
Yeah but……
If only …….
Remember when…………
Around recovery or “in” recovery?
In action we got sympathy—–as long as our money lasted.
Your 12 step program never opened the gates of heaven to let you in, It did open the gates of hell to let you out
Danger sign: when your eyes have wandered from the alcoholic who still suffers and needs help—–to the faults of those whom the program has already helped!
There are none too dumb for the 12 step program – but many are too smart
I want what I want, when I want it
Alcoholism is the only disease that tells you you’re all right
The first step in overcoming mistakes is to admit them
Knowledge of “the answers” never made anyone slip—it was failing to practice “the answers” that were known.

Higher Power

I can’t ………He can……….I think I’ll let him (steps 1,2,3)
If it works………Don’t fix it
Recovery is not something you join, it’s a way of life
Expect miracles!
God is never late
Courage is faith that has said its prayers
There is a god and I am not it
Faith is a lighted doorway, trust is a darkened hall
We had to quit playing god
There are no atheists in foxholes
Possibilities and miracles are one in the same
The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you
When we surrender to our higher power, the journey begins
I came -I came to – I came to believe
Faith without works is dead
Get out of the driver’s seat…….let go and let god
Fear is the absence of faith
When man listens, God speaks; when man obeys, God works
The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us
If God seems far away, who moved ?
If faith without works is dead; then ………willingness without action is fantasy
Turn it over, the results are in god’s hand
Willpower = our will-ingness to use a higher power
Remember nothing is going to happen today that you and God can’t handle
Man’s extremity is god’s opportunity
AA = Altered Attitudes
I can’t handle it God; you take over
God answers “knee mails”
Backsliding begins when knee-bending ends
Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves
There is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem
Faith is our greatest gift; sharing it with others our greatest responsibility

Serenity

Respect the anonymity of others
Try to replace guilt with gratitude
Let go of old ideas
Change is a process, not an event
Take what you can use and leave the rest
The price for serenity and sanity is self-sacrifice
You can’t give away what you don’t have
There are 12 steps in the ladder of complete sobriety

Sponsorship

Sponsors: have one—–use one—–be one
When you are a sponsor, you get out of yourself
If I serve, I will be served
Call your sponsor
Make use of the telephone therapy
Call your sponsor before, not after, you take the first drink
Help is only a phone call away
There are no coincidences in recovery
It works ——-it really does !
Your Big Book is your sponsor too
Willingness is the key
More will be revealed
Be nice to newcomers ………one day they may be your sponsor
“You will intuitively know” AA Promises click here to read the AA Promises in full 
You will be amazed
12 step programs are a school in which we are all learners and all teachers
No pain………no gain
You either is——-or you ain’t (clean)
Some of us our sicker than others
We’re all here because we’re not all there
Alcoholism / addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer
The road to sobriety is a simple journey for confused people with a complicated disease
Pass it on
You received without cost, now give without charge
It’s in the book
Before you say: I can’t …………say I’ll try
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens
Practice an attitude of gratitude
Another friend of Bill W’s ( Bill Wilson is the co-founder of AA )
God will never give you more than you can handle
Have a good day unless of course you have made other plans
Decisions aren’t forever
90 meetings in 90 days………90/90
Don’t drink, don’t think, read the Big Book, and go to meetings

Recovery Acronyms and Word Associations

H.A.L.T. – hungry, angry, lonely, tired Stop everything and get back into recovery
H.O.W – honesty, open-mindedness and willingness
Kiss—keep it simple sweetie
Anger is but one letter away from danger
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed
FEAR (f— everything and run)
Faith is spelled ……………a-c-t-i-o-n
We can be positive that our drinking was negative
The 7t’s —take time to think the thing through
EGO – Edge God Out
The 3 T’s of gratitude to repay for our sobriety: our time, our talent, our treasure
Keep your sobriety first, to make it last
Fear stands for Frustration

Carry the Message

The only thing we take from this world when we leave is what we gave away
We give it away to keep it
Trust god………clean house……..help others
There are members who MAKE things happen there are members who WATCH things happen there are members who DON’T KNOW anything happen WHICH ARE YOU ?

Relationships

Active alcoholics don’t have relationships; they take hostages
“zipper slipper”
There is a “slip” under every skirt – ( an oldie from the politically incorrect days of AA that still is important today)
The lesson I must learn is simply that my control is limited to my own behavior, my own attitudes

The Tools Of Recovery

12 step Meetings – Attend at least one meeting a week
Plan of Recovery – Draw up a schedule of daily recovery actions with your sponsors help
Telephone – Use the telephone with other 12 step members to avoid Isolation and keep clean
Sponsor – Get a sponsor and Be a sponsor
Writing – Put things down on paper instead of letting them roll around in your head
Service – Set up the meeting room, chair a meeting, clean up the room after the meeting, greet newcomers.
Anonymity – Practice the non use of gossip to make yourself feel better
Approved Literature – Read the approved 12 step literature

Spirituality

Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves
Bend your knees before you bend your elbow
GOD = God Orderly Direction
Accept your admission and Get a new attitude
There is no magic in recovery only miracles
The road to disappointment is paved with expectation
A “coincidence” is a miracle in which god chooses to remain anonymous
It’s a pity we can’t forget our troubles the same way we forget our blessings
We are not human beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having human experiences
If it isn’t God’s will …………I can’t make it happen
If it is meant to be………..I can’t stop it
Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth
Religion is for those who fear god………spirituality is for those who have been to hell and back
You are exactly where God wants you to be
To be forgiven – we must forgive
Time wasted in getting even can never be used in getting ahead
Be careful what you pray for; you’re liable to get it
If you turn it over and don’t let go of it, you will be upside down.
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm
Trying to pray is praying
Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised
God taught us to laugh again but God please don’t let us forget that we once cried
Faith is not belief without proof but trust without reservation

Meetings

A 12 step meeting is where losers get together to talk about their winnings
What you hear and see here, stays here!
AA is the highest priced club in the world………if u have paid the dues, why not enjoy the benefits ?
Chair a meeting
Share your experience, strength and hope, not just your garbage
Isolation is a killer, use your telephone list, come to an extra meeting, reach out and help the newcomer or struggling member.
Each and every alcoholic / addict —-sober or not—-teaches us some valuable lessons about ourselves and recovery
When you do all the talking you only learn what you already know
Seven days without a meeting makes one WEAK
AA has a wrench to fit every nut that walks through a meeting room door
12 step programs may not solve all your problems but are willing to share them
The time to attend a meeting is when you least feel like going

AA Saying’s

Don’t watch the “slippers” but watch those who don’t slip closely and watch them go through difficulties and pull through
Work the program from the waist up
Some people are so successful in AA that they turn out to be almost as good as they used to think they were when they were drinking.
AA spoils your drinking!
In AA we get understanding——for nothing!
Anonymity is so important it’s half of our name
Even my worst day in sobriety / clean is better than my best day drunk / using
When all else fails………the directions are in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)
If we don’t grow, we gotta go
Read AA approved literature. Other books and materials, while they may be excellent, are usually only one individuals slant on a subject.
All you need to start your own AA meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot!!
Why recovery never ends: the disease is alcoholISm, not alcoholWASM!
The AA way of life is meant to be bread for daily use, not cake for special occasions
The smartest thing an AA member can say is, ” help me “
It takes the good and bad AA meeting—-the good and bad AA talk —–to make the fellowship “work”
3 A’s in AA—–affection (thoughtfulness) —–attention (listening) —–appreciation (gratitude)
Slippers in AA use the RDP—revolving door policy
AA works for people who believe in god AA works for people who don’t believe in god AA NEVER works for people who believe they ARE god

The AA Promises

THE PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The will always materialize if we work for them.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition p. 84

The Addicts Paradoxes:

From weakness (adversity) comes strength
We forgive to be forgiven
We suffer to get well
We surrender to win
We die to live
From darkness comes light
From dependence we found independence

Wolf Parable

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a LIFETIME. AlAnon

Content Originally Published By: Leslie Glass @ Reach Out Recovery

If you need help with addiction or recovery, or mental health in your family, click on the image below to find professional resources in your area.

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Making Eye Contact With a Baby Changes Both Your Brain Waves, Study Says

 

A new study has found that when adults and babies look at each other, their brain waves sync up. This creates what researchers call “a joint networked state” that facilitates communication between the two of them.

The study, while small—just 17 babies in one experiment and 19 in the other—also found that babies vocalize, or try to communicate, more when this joint networked state is in effect. Researchers believe that the babies’ “neural synchronization” is kicked up a notch by an adult’s gaze. “Neural synchronization may provide a mechanism by which infants construct their own earliest social networks,” says the study.

It is already known that adults communicate more effectively when they are neurally synchronized. This is partly why face-to-face conversations are much less likely to be misunderstood than conversations over text, or even over the phone. It ‘s also known that when parents and babies interact, other aspects of their behavior can fall into sync, including their emotions and heart-rate. This study suggests that brain activity also synchronizes.

For the study, researchers at the Baby-LINC Lab at the University of Cambridge in the UK showed 17 babies videos of adults singing nursery rhymes. In the first video, the singers were looking straight at the babies. In the second they weren’t, and in the third, their heads were turned but their eyes were directed towards the infant.

While the babies watched the videos, researchers monitored their brainwave patterns via electroencephalography, or EEG. They compared the patterns to those of the singing adults which had been previously recorded. They found that the patterns matched more strongly when the baby could see the woman’s eyes and most strongly when the babies were watching the videos of an adult sing with her head turned away but looking at the child. The researchers believe that might be because that pose suggests that the person singing is intentionally looking at the baby.

Then researchers set up 19 real adult-baby singing sessions and monitored both individuals’ brains at the same time. In that experiment, both the infants and the adult became more synchronized to each other’s brain activity when mutual eye contact was established. Babies were still engaged with the singer when she looked away, but their brain activity didn’t match up as much. Babies also made more sounds while they were holding the gaze of the adult, signaling that they wanted to communicate. This led the researchers to believe that brainwave synchronization is about more than just looking at a face or seeing something interesting, but about a shared intention to communicate, the very beginnings of the ability to become a social being.

The post Making Eye Contact With a Baby Changes Both Your Brain Waves, Study Says appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Bodybuilding products sold online may be mislabeled or unsafe

Most undisclosed substances found in the tested products were themselves experimental.  (iStock)

Many bodybuilding products sold online are mislabeled and contain unapproved drugs and other ingredients that may not be safe, a new study suggests.

Researchers tested 44 products they bought online that were marketed as nonsteroidal selective androgen receptor modulators (SARMs), which mimic the effect of testosterone and help build muscle.

Overall, only about half of these items actually contained SARMs, the study found. One in four products contained ingredients that weren’t on the label, including potentially dangerous drugs, and 59 percent had more or less than the advertised amounts of certain ingredients.

“Our findings show that people should be extremely careful about using these unapproved drugs purchased over the internet not only because these drugs can have harmful effects on their health, but also because the labels cannot be trusted and many products may contain other chemicals not listed on the label whose safety is unknown,” said study co-author Dr. Shalender Bhasin of Harvard Medical School Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.

Anabolic steroids are among the most frequently abused appearance- and performance-enhancing drugs, researchers note online November 28 in JAMA. Use of these drugs was once mostly limited to athletes, but they’ve gained in popularity among men seeking to build muscle and appear more fit.

SARMs are designed to have effects similar to steroids, and several companies are developing SARMs as potential treatment for functional limitations associated with aging and muscle-wasting disorders.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration hasn’t approved any SARMs to treat these medical problems. These unapproved drugs are marketed as dietary supplements even though they haven’t been reviewed for safety or effectiveness, the FDA has warned.

Consumers shouldn’t use SARMs in bodybuilding products because they can have life-threatening side effects such as heart attacks, strokes and severe liver damage, the FDA has warned.

SARMS, like anabolic steroids, are among the substances athletes aren’t allowed to use under rules outlined by the World Anti-Doping Agency.

For the study, researchers searched online for suppliers selling SARMs and bought all of the items they found that were in stock and possible to purchase.

Then, the study team had all of the products they bought tested using protocols followed by the World Anti-Doping Agency.

Some products were found to contain a drug that increases growth hormone and other substances that are also banned by that agency, the study found. Four products were found to contain the breast cancer drug tamoxifen.

Most undisclosed substances found in the tested products were themselves experimental. Some of the compounds – Ostarine, Andarine, LGD-4033 and ibutamoren – have been tested in humans even though they have not yet won approval by the FDA.

Development of another compound found in tested products, GW-501516, was halted because of safety concerns.

Another compound discovered in the products, SR9009, has been through some preliminary clinical trials but hasn’t yet been tested in humans.

“But people do spend millions of dollars on unregulated drugs every day – and at their peril,” said Dr. Richard Auchus, author of an accompanying editorial and a researcher at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

Vitamin D and calcium are the only supplements people should buy, and even then consumers should only shop from legitimate suppliers like the website for a drugstore chain, Auchus advised.

That’s because the current study highlights problems with supplements that go beyond just SARMs, which may lure a subset of the bodybuilding community with a distrust of medical professionals and a penchant for risk-taking behavior, Anchus said by email.

“This is one of many warnings about such supplements that scam and endanger the public,” Auchus added.

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US says patient charity helped drugmakers, revokes approval

As rising drug prices face increased scrutiny, concern has arisen that donations from drugmakers to patient-assistance groups may be contributing to price inflation.  (iStock)

One of the largest U.S. patient assistance charities may close after the federal government revoked its authorization, citing findings that the group, mainly funded by pharmaceutical companies, enabled drugmakers to influence prescriptions.

The Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Inspector General notified Caring Voice Coalition in a letter on Tuesday that it would rescind the charity’s 2006 authorization after finding that it might have given drugmakers more ability to raise prices while insulating patients from the immediate effects of increases, leaving federal health care programs like Medicare to bear the cost.

The letter said Caring Voice had “represented it may cease operations,” but that is not required.

The charity’s board is “evaluating this very serious matter and will determine the most appropriate path forward,” Chief Executive Gregory Smiley said in an emailed statement. He said the group has worked over the past six months to ensure compliance with industry laws and regulations.

Caring Voice, based in Mechanicsville, Virginia, says it aims to improve the lives of patients with chronic illnesses, including helping them afford costly drugs by covering co-payments and other costs.

In recent months, companies including Pfizer Inc and Johnson and Johnson have said they were the subject of a U.S. probe into drugmakers’ financial support of charities offering assistance to patients seeking help to cover out-of-pocket costs. Health insurers, however, still end up paying more for the drugs they cover if prices are increased.

Drug companies are prohibited from subsidizing co-payments for patients enrolled in government healthcare programs like Medicare. But companies may donate to nonprofits providing co-pay assistance as long as they are independent.

As rising drug prices face increased scrutiny, concern has arisen that donations from drugmakers to patient-assistance groups may be contributing to price inflation.

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Breaking The Substance Abuse Grief Stigma

Grief stigma makes you feel even worse about your pain, and happens with substance abuse more than you think. Stigma about a grief reaction is not something that typically occurs when there is death of a loved one, children leaving home, the breakup of a relationship, or other life changing events.

Stigma about grief from substance abuse is a different matter, however. Family and friends may not understand what you, as a loved one, go through when you have a partner or child who is addicted to drugs/alcohol. We explore some of these reactions from others and also look at the stigma you might place on yourself about this family illness.

Grief Stigma Comes From The Mistaken Beliefs Of Others

They may believe that the addiction is a moral weakness and because of this, there may be a lack of compassion for you in your grief as they may think that because it can be controlled, then the addict has caused this for him/her/they self and therefore, don’t see it as a problem that is grieveable. This judgment leaves you alone in the grief without the needed support.
They may believe that you can handle the issues and deal with the addict and that as the partner or parent, this is your responsibility (and your’s alone).
There may be feelings of embarrassment and shame about the addiction and because of this, others may not want to be a part of your life. This is about being embarrassed for you and the family regarding the shame of the loved one who is addicted.
Grief is scary to many people and often, people try to avoid others’ who are grieving as it may trigger their own grief or force them to look at problems in their own lives. Unfortunately, this often happens leaving the family without supports.
Some may believe that you “caused’ the loved one to drink or drug and thereby, will not support you and in fact, enable the addict (i.e., the husband’s drinking buddies tell him what a bitch you are and encourage him to drown his sorrows about you).
If it’s a child that is addicted, then the parent/s may also be blamed for the child’s addiction and instead of helping the family in their sorrow, they remain judgmental.
Likewise, if it’s a child, other systems may also be judgmental such as the school, judicial, or religious system and blame instead of help.

Grief Stigma Also Comes From Your Own Beliefs Or Feelings

Often, as the sober family member, you may have shame about the addiction that is taking over the loved one and perhaps, the family. Or also, you may feel ashamed that you cannot control the use especially when it’s a child who is using. By staying in shame, you can’t allow yourself the power of grieving for you stay in your own blame game.
You may feel you “caused” the addicted individual to use by being a bad spouse, a bad mother, etc. This too, keeps you from letting go and allowing the real feelings of sadness, grief, loss, anger, frustration, etc., to be felt.
Your own negative judgments. While you will have feelings, if these are focused only on the horrors of the addiction, then you will not allow other feelings such as hope and joy to take place. This keeps you from empowering yourself and your family into healthy action.
You react vs. act. When you react out of anger, frustration, hate, or disgust towards the addict, you give him/her/they the power in the relationship as you are relating out of a stance of giving up (i.e., your beliefs about what to do). By taking actions, beginning with understanding the stigma and the need for grieving, you take the first step towards your own recovery and then you develop/utilize use healthy coping skills.

Breaking the Grief Stigma

So let other people know what this grief process is like. Educate them about addictions and the stigma of addictions. Look at whether you believe in the stigma and let it go. Ask for help. Let family and friends know you need their love and support. Look for outside supports. And finally, allow yourself the ability to feel grief and sorrow over what is taking place – cry, laugh, sob, be alone, be with friends and family, be with a support group, and then “do” by taking action. By doing so, this decreases the stigma.

Click Here for a free and safe resource to find addiction and mental health professionals near you.

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FDA paves way for new therapies to help cigarette smokers quit

Customers in Tokyo try a new kind of cigarette called heat-not burn. (Shiho Fukada for The Washington Post)

The Food and Drug Administration said Wednesday it is taking new steps to encourage the development of innovative nicotine-replacement therapies to wean smokers off conventional cigarettes.

In a blog post on the agency’s website, three top officials said they want to ensure the FDA has the right policies to advance new products to help smokers. “Our goal is to enable greater use of safe and effective options to help those who are addicted to nicotine get the help they need to quit combustible cigarettes altogether,” said the post, which was signed by FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb, Center for Drug Evaluation and Research Director Janet Woodcock and Center for Tobacco Products Director Mitchell Zeller.

The post said a new Nicotine Steering Committee made up of senior FDA officials will explore the agency’s handling of smoking-cessation products. It said the agency will hold a hearing on Jan. 26 to get public input.

Among the questions the committee will explore: Are there ways to improve on the current over-the-counter nicotine-replacement systems, or new strategies that might be more effective? And how should they be evaluated?

The effort is part of the agency’s new tobacco-regulatory regime announced by Gottlieb last summer.

About 480,000 people die of tobacco-related causes in the United States every year. While nicotine hooks people, it doesn’t kill them; the hazard is posed by thousands of other chemical substances in cigarettes, many of them carcinogenic.

Current FDA nicotine-replacement therapies include over-the counter gums, patches and lozenges, and prescription nasal sprays and inhalers. Most of those have been on the market for more than two decades. The blog post points out that studies suggest using such products can double the chance of success among those trying to quit smoking. The therapies are designed to supply controlled amounts of nicotine to reduce cravings.

The committee will consider which types of safety and efficacy studies should be required for nicotine-replacement therapies as well as other issues. Those could include “changes to the labeling and indications for existing products or a new product that might deliver nicotine at different rates, or through different delivery mechanisms,” the post said.

For example, some e-cigarettes or other types of electronic nicotine delivery systems might be candidates for regulation as over-the-counter nicotine-replacement therapies. But the FDA officials said they also see “additional opportunities” for new and improved OTC products that could help smokers quit.

In July, Gottlieb unveiled a new framework for tobacco that was designed to put nicotine at the center of the agency’s regulatory effort. As part of the plan, he said, the FDA would require reductions in nicotine in conventional cigarettes to make them minimally addictive or nonaddictive.

He stressed at the time that people who are addicted to nicotine would need alternative ways to get the drug if they are to successfully give up regular cigarettes. To make sure e-cigarettes are readily accessible, he delayed for several years a requirement that e-cigarettes marketed after February 2007 submit to a stringent FDA review.

About 70 percent of adult smokers in the United States say they want to quit, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and more than half try to do so each year.

 

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People Pleasing Mom Takes On Sugar Loving Kid

As a kid, I learned how pleasing others kept them happy and me safe, but it cost me emotionally. When I got married, I changed my name and address, but I couldn’t embrace my grown-up independence. I was stuck in a cycle of people pleasing followed by resentment or independence followed by guilt. Now, I’m the Mom. I have the power to make rules, but I’m still following everyone else’s, especially on food.

Unhealthy Amounts Of Guilt

Our beautiful son came to us via Russian orphanage. At 13 months old, he weighed only 15 pounds. He was at risk for growth failure, and EVERY time I take him to the doctor, I get a lecture on how he doesn’t weigh enough. I feel guilty about that. But I didn’t cause it.

When he was a baby, I fed him teething biscuits to fatten him up. Today, he eats tablespoons of peanut butter and slices of cheese for snacks. He has lots of nuts and unlimited ice cream, yet he’s still in the 3rd percentile for weight based on his height. I feel guilty about that.

Now that he’s older, my son is finally at a healthy weight but loves cookies, soda, cakes, and ice cream. If I give in and let him eat his weight in sugar, I feel guilty. If I say “No”, I feel like I’m robbing him of comforting childhood memories. You know, visions of sugar plums and all.

Unhealthy Amounts Of Sugar

The American Heart Association (AHA) now recommends children and teens consume less than 6 teaspoons of “added sugars” per day. The brown sugar and cinnamon pop tart I gave my son this morning has 17 grams of added sugar. Since one teaspoon of sugar equals 4 grams, he’s one serving of ketchup away from reaching his sugar limit for day. I feel guilty about this. But if I don’t occasionally let him have a treat, I also feel guilty. My old tendency of people pleasing has me trapped. I don’t know who to please.

Trapped By “All Or Nothing” Thinking

What’s really missing here is a sense of balance. I don’t have to only choose to please others or only choose to please myself. In recovery, I learn to do what’s best for me first. Sometimes, my decisions result in a sad or mad child. I have learned to separate my feelings from his, “Just because he’s sad doesn’t mean I’m bad.” I also regularly ask, “How important is it?” Will it really hurt for him to have ice cream once in a while as a treat? No. Recovery lets us celebrate each day, and some days we celebrate with ice cream. Other days, we celebrate by going for a bike ride. As long as I don’t give into people pleasing, I’ve made some progress.

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Co-dependent Takes Over As Captain Of Own Ship

What started out as a love affair on sunny seas has ran into a bitter storm of resentment.  Here’s my 65 day captain’s log on how I changed my ship’s course.

I’m The Captain Now?

Years ago in a desperate feat of self-preservation, I relinquished control of a vessel transporting my hopes and dreams. With the help of my pseudo-therapy beagle Spot and a kitchen paring knife, I’m charting a new course from being co-dependent to independent. Only low self-esteem and the vessel’s two inhabitants stand between me and my dreams. Because my dreams are peaceful, force shouldn’t be necessary. It’s apparent both men are unaccustomed to an independent captain.

Day 1

The standoff begins when the big one requests pizza for dinner.  The little one agrees, and I wavier. Their hopeful smiles are impossible to resist. While they phone in the order, I retreat to my cabin. The beagle follows. My mantra, “I am the Captain now,” is a whispered question instead of a victorious decree.

Day 9

Changing the vessel’s course is painstakingly slow, yet small advances are made. I’ve made contact with other captains who teach me how to navigate the choppy waters of co dependency. Tonight, I decide to feast on baked spaghetti, and I make enough cheesy pasta to share with my new crew. If they balk at the pasta, I will graciously encourage their search for an alternate dinner.

Much to my delight, they tried the spaghetti and liked it. We dined in the commons and enjoyed each other’s company.

Day 22

I teach the little one how to change the sheets on his bunk. He rejects this new responsibility with stomping and huffing. I ignore those behaviors, so he ups the ante with tearful caterwauling. The beagle retreats, and I text a friend who long ago sailed through this dicey pass. She reminds me I don’t have to participate in this behavior. I retire to my cabin and wait for the squall to pass. Thirty minutes later, the little one immerges. The bunk is made.

Day 35

My mentors review my progress. I’m pleased to report the crew is now enjoying strawberry smoothies, vegetables, fine polish sausages, omelets, and even unsweet tea. They praise my success, but one of the well-seasoned captains asks about the vessel’s chores. She’s empathetic about my reluctance and recounts her own struggle against her vessel’s unequal division of labor. She challenges me to keep teaching and empowering my crew.

Day 41

A storm brews off shore of our small vessel. I continue to make culinary advances, but I’ve ignored the advice of my mentor. Tomorrow is my weekly review, so I must teach the little one how to swab the deck. I’ve dreaded this day.

He spies the vacuum, and the battle begins. The resourceful little scoundrel is a fierce opponent; he replaces behaviors that no longer work with new tactics. He cries and then hits with a rapid fire on, off, on, off, on, off of the vacuum switch. I too am fierce, yet kind. I ignore the new behaviors. He leaves the deck to “clear his head,” a well-played move. He returns and continues with the rapid fire power surge and manages to produce tears.

I dig into my recovery arsenal and find a way to keep my focus on me. I bite my tongue, not to control my anger, as I would have in the past, but to control my laughter. His next move is clever. He dashes the vacuum around the deck in two seconds flat. Since it’s impossible for the entire deck to be properly swabbed, I inspect his work. I ask him to give some areas another swabbing.

More tears are shed, and the vacuum is thrust into the wall. I opt to ignore the hit entirely. I will not teach him violence gets a reaction.

Forty-five minutes later, the deck is swabbed, and I’ve remained calm.

Day 54

It’s time for the little one to again change the sheets on his bunk. I anticipate a battle, but he completes the task without resistance!

Day 65

Today, I must retest the little one on swabbing the deck. To prepare for the potential battle, I steal some time away in my cabin for quiet reflection.

My Quest Continues

I’d like to tell you this saga is fictional, but the battle of the vacuum actually happened last week. Although I’m blessed not to be living with active addition, my codependency is a generational sin that affects everyone in my happy little family. I enabled the two men to be pampered. I put them first and took responsibility for their happiness. Worst of all, I allowed my life to depend on theirs.

Since I’ve become aware of my unhealthy behavior, I’ve had to make some tough changes that affect us all. The anticipated battle is often worse than the reality, although there have been some casualties along the way.

I’ve only survived the rough seas because of programs like Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery and the brilliant friends I’ve met there. If you’re struggling to regain control of your life, I hope these tales show you change is possible. It’s your turn to “Be the Captain now!”

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