Leslie Glass's Blog, page 349

The Dangers Of Being Nice

From Psychology Today:

You’ve met them, I’ve met them, you may be one of them: nice people. They always give others the benefit of the doubt, always ready to give a hand, to volunteer for that task that no one wants. They’re sensitive to the feelings of others, easy to be around, rarely if ever argue. What’s not to like?

Not much, you say. But if you’re always the nice guy, if it’s your 24 / 7 public persona, there’s often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll. Here are the most common ones:

Internalization

You’re that good, that laid-back all the time, really? Hmm… Unless you’re on some major and highly effective medications, probably not. What always-nice people tend to do is internalize — hold in those negative emotions that naturally rise up in the course of everyday life. The byproduct of these emotional crunches are often depression, anxiety, addiction.

Periodic acting-out

And if depression, anxiety, and addiction aren’t strong enough to keep those non-polite feelings at bay, you are likely at risk for acting out: The one-night stand on that business trip, going on a binge, going into a hurricane-like rage at your kid, your dog, your gentle but always-absent-minded coworker. It seems to come out of nowhere, you feel terribly guilty, you apologize profusely, you promise never to do that ever again…until you do, until the pressure builds up and the right stress-triggers set you off.

Self-criticism

What goes a long way to being nice is that you’re more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It’s your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be. You have this critical, scolding drill-sergeant /parent voice coming at you all the time, looking over your shoulder, wagging its finger. Under such steady verbal abuse, you vow to try harder, not screw up, be even nicer, but whatever you do is never good enough; fault, mistakes, incriminations are around every corner. It’s a miserable way to live.

Resentment

A build-up of resentment can often fuel the acting out, but sometimes it’s just a slow and ever-present simmer that you internalize along with everything else. The resentment comes because with your niceness also comes with expectations — that other’s will appreciate your martyrish efforts or will follow your lead and be like you — always putting others first, stepping up, etc. — or expecting them to realize what you need and give it to you even though you never say what those needs are.

Periodic burnout

If you do all the heavy lifting all of the time, you are prone to periodic collapse. It may be exhaustion, it may be getting sick or sinking into depths of severe depression. The burnout may sideline for awhile, but once you recover, you’re quickly back on duty.

Precompromising in relationships

Rather than clearly stating what you want at the start of a discussion with someone, you instead anticipate / assume what the other person would like, and then downshift your own demands before the conversation starts. Jane probably wouldn’t want to swap out my entire weekend shift, you say to yourself, so instead of asking if she can work the entire weekend for you, you instead ask her if she can do Saturday. When you do this precompromising all the time in close relationships, you wind up never really getting what you want (though you fantasize that the other person will read your mind and offer it anyway) and instead only get watered-down versions that are “okay”. Over time what you’re left with is a watered-down life.

You appear controlling or passive-aggressive at times

Others, especially those closest to you, may see you as subtly controlling or passive-aggressive at times… because you are. Your persona cracks a bit and you put on subtle pressure or guilt to get your way, or you go along with but then act in a passive-aggressive manner because your unhappiness leaks out.

Stale relationships

Close relationships can lack depth. Between the pre-compromise and internalization, you never say what you truly want and feel, you’re not being really honest and emotionally intimate. And if both partners are nice, the effects are multiplied resulting in a no-conflict but superficial relationship.

Later-life regrets

That poor 100-year-old woman who regretted eating too many beans and not enough ice cream. That cartoon of the headstone that says, “Ate all that kale for nothing.” The water-down life, the not being truly known, the millions of missed opportunities to do and get what you want instead of what others wanted can leave you with serious life regrets.

Does this mean you shouldn’t be nice?

Of course not. But there’s a difference between a values-driven life and an anxiety-driven one. A values-driven life comes out of your…values, your core beliefs as an adult of how to be with others. You are kind and considerate and see that we are all struggling on this tiny dot of speck in the vast universe; you treat others the way you’d like to be treated. You do it not because you “should” not because you will feel guilty, but because it’s your life blueprint.

But along with this you can say no, take care of yourself, as well as others, can be assertive and honest without being aggressive and hurtful. Life is win-win as much as possible.

The anxiety-driven life, on the other hand, makes being nice a way of managing anxiety. You learned to take a nice-stance as way of avoiding conflict and confrontation that you can’t tolerate, a stance that is “I’m happy if you’re happy,” meaning, I do whatever I need to do to not get you disgruntled because your upset makes me anxious. Here you don’t say no, you don’t speak up and be honest and assertive because of your own fear. It’s less about a value of how to treat people and more a psychological flack-suit to protect you from what seems to be a scary world.

Ramping it down

If you decide that you are, in fact, tired of being nice all the time, or tired of absorbing any or all of these consequences, it’s time to stop going on autopilot and begin to makes choices, change some of your behaviors. Here’s how to get started:

Slow down to realize how you really feel

If you’re an always-nice superstar, you likely don’t even realize how you feel a lot of the time. Rather than quickly raising your hand at the staff meeting when they call for volunteers, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself whether you really want to do this. The same is true about negotiating with your partner: stop the pre-compromise and figure out what you truly want. If you can’t tell at the time, wait, continue to ask yourself how you truly feel; something will eventually emerge.

Practice saying no

Not raising your hand is saying no, but you want to practice doing this more actively — this is about setting boundaries. If you’re asked to be on a church committee, for example, and don’t want to, say no. Better yet, be proactive and let others know where you stand before they come to you. If too difficult to say in person, call and leave a voicemail or send a text. Just get it done.

Use your anger as information

When you feel anger, irritation, resentment use it as information telling you what you need, what you don’t like, what you may want. Then again speak up.

Practice being more honest

Honesty is essentially what setting boundaries is all about, but honesty is also the driver of intimacy. Move out of that superficial talk and experiment with deeper conversations — telling those close to you how you really feel rather than “fine”. If your partner is doing the same, get the problem of verbal intimacy and honesty on the table as something you both want to work on.

Use your symptoms as tools to let you know when you’re overextended

Don’t just sweep the binge or the burn-out or the passive-aggressiveness under the rug, but instead use them as red-flags that you are being over-responsible, that you are neglecting your own needs. It’s time to not just apologize or recover but again speak up.

Push back against the critical voices

Your critical voices will go crazy as you begin any of the above. You will feel guilty, you will feel anxious that the world will despise you, that terrible things will happen. This is old little-kid stuff that flares up when you start to break your old patterns. Take a few deep breaths, pat yourself on the back, keep moving forward.

So, are you ready to give up some of your niceness?

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Alcohol-Related Liver Deaths Have Increased Sharply

From The Washington Post

Deaths from liver disease have increased sharply in recent years in the United States, according to a study published in the British Medical Journal. Cirrhosis-related deaths increased by 65 percent from 1999 to 2016, and deaths from liver cancer doubled, the study said. The rise in death rates was driven predominantly by alcohol-induced disease, the report said.

Over the past decade, people ages 25 to 34 had the highest increase in cirrhosis deaths — an average of 10.5 percent per year — of the demographic groups examined, researchers reported.

The study suggests that a new generation of Americans is being afflicted “by alcohol misuse and its complications,” said lead author Elliot Tapper, a liver specialist at the University of Michigan.

Tapper said people are at risk of life-threatening cirrhosis if they drink several drinks a night or have multiple nights of binge drinking — more than four or five drinks per sitting — per week. Women tend to be less tolerant of alcohol and their livers more sensitive to damage.

The liver cleans blood as it exits the gut. The more toxins, sugars and fats consumed, the harder it has to work. If the liver gets overloaded, its plumbing can get blocked up, causing scarring that can reduce liver function.

“Dying from cirrhosis, you never wish this on anybody,” Tapper said.

If people with alcohol-related disease stop drinking, “there’s an excellent chance your liver will repair itself,” Tapper said. “Many other organs have the ability to regenerate to some degree, but none have the same capacity as the liver,” he added. He said that he routinely sees patients going “from the sickest of the sick to living well, working and enjoying their life.”

The problem, Tapper said, is that “we do not yet have a highly effective treatment for alcohol addiction.”

The Distilled Spirits Council cautions that alcohol consumption is not the only cause of cirrhosis; obesity, hepatitis and some medications can also damage the liver.

The study examined death rates in several demographic groups — divided by age, race, place of residence and gender — using death certificate data and census data. The researchers found that deaths for certain groups of people decreased between 1999 to 2008 — but rose sharply starting in 2009. They speculated that the 2008 economic crisis and subsequent rise in unemployment may have been a factor. Studies have shown that losing a job is associated with increased alcohol consumption in men.

The new study found that men were twice as likely to die from cirrhosis and nearly four times as likely to die from liver cancer as women. The study also found whites, Native Americans and Hispanic Americans are experiencing increased death rates for cirrhosis, along with people living in Kentucky, Arkansas and New Mexico. The one positive report from the study is the declining rate of deaths in Asian Americans from both cirrhosis and liver cancer.

“Scar tissue is silent, developing silently, and they [the patients] don’t know. It comes as a big surprise,” said Jessica Mellinger, a clinical lecturer at the University of Michigan  who was not involved in the study. Patients typically experience the symptoms “all of a sudden,” Mellinger said of patients suffering from cirrhosis.

Initial cirrhosis symptoms of yellowing skin, jaundice and a swollen abdomen are usually the first signs that something is wrong, Mellinger said. The fluid in the abdomen can make it look and feel “like you have multiple bowling balls” in your stomach, Tapper said. As the disease progresses, the symptoms worsen, including degenerative brain injury, severe bleeding, kidney failure and increasing frailty.

The BMJ report was consistent with data issued earlier in the week by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In a new report, the agency’s National Center for Health Statistics said that age-adjusted death rates for liver cancer increased steadily from 2000 through 2016 for both men and women. The agency said that  liver cancer had moved to the sixth-leading cause of cancer deaths in 2016, up from the ninth-leading cause in 2000.

The increase in liver cancer comes as  overall cancer death rates in the United States continue to decline, according to the National Cancer Institute.

The CDC report showed that, among the 50 states and the District of Columbia, the District had the highest liver cancer death rate in the country, followed by Louisiana, Hawaii, Mississippi and New Mexico. The five states with the lowest death rates were Vermont, Maine, Montana, Utah and Nebraska.

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Family Secrets Makes Everyone Sick

In families with substance and alcohol abuse, keeping secrets is often an unspoken rule. By keeping addictions hidden, however, negative consequence impact everyone, not just the addict.

Here are the seven most common reasons why family members keep secrets.

1. It Feels Like Love

Often family members believe they are helping the addict by keeping the substance use secret. This protection is not loving, however, because secrecy keeps the addict and the family in denial.

2. Denial

When the signs and symptoms of use are ignored, the family can pretend there is no problem. Consequences worsen, but the family still pretends everything will work out. Denial is also destructive conditioning.

3. Fear Of Confrontation

Watching someone get sicker in their addiction is very scary, so loved ones may ignore the problems. Also there may be fear of repercussions by confronting the user (abuse, losing the home if the addict leaves, fear for the children, etc.)

4. To Avoid Rocking The Boat

Under the best of circumstances, managing a household and kids is a difficult process. Addressing and confronting a substance user is an added stressor. With destructive conditioning, the family adjusts to the chaotic family system. This is an unhealthy adjustment to keep peace in the family and maintain the status quo. This suits the user, who does not want the family system to change. Avoidance allows the substance use and negative behaviors to continue.

5. To Protect The Children Or Parents

If the addict is a parent, both parents may feel the children won’t be afraid if the secret is kept. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Children as young as 2 -3 years old understand that there is something bad going on. Mommy of daddy does something wrong. And of course, older children and teenagers know exactly what is happening and think it’s okay. If dad can get high every day, they can do the same. By the same token children as taught not to tell others what’s happening.

6. To Avoid Shame And Embarrassment

Unfortunately, there is still a stigma regarding substance abuse. Secrets may be kept so the employer, friends, the church, the school, and all others don’t know. If they are aware of what’s going on, then the substance user and his/her/their families may feel shame over the addiction.

7. Lack of Understanding

When a problem is kept secret, there is no way to understand its impact. Addiction is known as a family disease because everyone plays a part in it. Lack of awareness that addiction is a family illness keeps families from acknowledging the problem and seeking help.

The devastation of substance use disorder can only thrive in silence. When you try to hide substance use( and other addictions ), it gets worse. Silence allows addiction to grow while protecting the addict from facing consequences.

The Elephant In The Room Syndrome

Denial is when everyone knows the addiction is there, but each person tries to deny its presence. The secret, however, is huge. It’s so visible and dominating, that the secret creates the feeling of “crazy making” as family, and children’s realities are totally distorted.

A Family Affair

A substance use disorder/s is never just limited to the substance user – it is a family affair. Because the addiction has so many consequences, not just for the user but for the family, the family becomes as ill as the addict and also suffers its own consequences.

The Solution

Sharing the secrets in a healthy manner helps for growth and for healing and recovery. Until a problem is acknowledged, there is no chance of recovery. So as a family, get honest with yourselves, with the children, with other family members, and with friends and all other supports. Once truth is acknowledged, there will be freedom from the toxic secrets. This truth is the opening of doors to recovery not only for the addict, but for the entire family.

It’s never too early to start speaking the language of recovery and healthy boundaries to your kids. Here’s a fun way to explore problem-solving tools with new coloring book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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Is Addiction Really A Biological Disease?

From Psychology Today:

Have you ever noticed just how preoccupied we humans are in trying to understand everyday difficulties? It comes from our curiosity to identify problems and find solutions. Addiction is just another one of those problems we’ve been trying to understand and “cure” for hundreds of years.

So why do we strive to find the cause for addiction? Because, when we know what causes addiction we can develop treatment plans to undo these causal factors. Sounds simple, right?

Wrong. We are complex beings, and if there were a simple cure for addiction, we’d no longer have people struggling with it. Instead, we need to look at our complex behaviors through a range of lenses.

In my research, I’ve found four main “camps” that attempt to explain addictive behaviors. These include 1) the spiritualist and religionists (bad, amoral people become addicted), 2) psychotherapists and traumatists (unresolved past trauma causes addiction), 3) environmentalists and social scientists (external factors cause addiction), and 4) neuroscientists and biologists (internal biochemical factors cause addiction). People have been fighting about which of these is the true cause of addiction for decade. In isolation, each of these camps tells us something interesting about human behavior, but together they give us a complete picture of why someone becomes addicted in the first place and how addiction is maintained.

I explored the spirituality camp in a previous article. Today I’d like to examine the biological perspective in more detail because this is one of the most debated questions of all time: Is addiction really a biological disease?

There is absolutely no way to examine this entire question, and I’ve written about this extensively in previous articles (HERE and HERE for example). But drawing on the biological theories of addiction, we’ll look at some of the biological impact of drug use and its effects on addiction.

Neuroscientists and the Biological Explanation

In essence, the biological viewpoint of addiction states that we are predisposed to addictive behavior through physiology and chemistry. Not only does our genetic blueprint make us more susceptible to addiction, but the ways our brains are wired make us more vulnerable to substance-abuse problems, as the use of these substances alters the way our brain functions and further cements the foundations for addiction.

According to many in this camp, once the addiction is triggered, there is no way to undo the pathways—the proverbial cucumber turning to a pickle.

It’s a reciprocal relationship, whereby your experiences shape your brain function, and your brain function shapes your experiences. But from the biological camp’s perspective, the changes are driven by your biopharmacological processes.

The research suggests that people with a family history of mental illness or addiction are more at risk of developing these conditions themselves compared with someone who has neither of the risk factors. This is the same explanation that drives most biological health problems, such as heart disease, breast cancer, and diabetes. That’s why if you have a family member with breast cancer, (which puts you more at  greater risk of developing breast cancer), it’s recommended you have regular check-ups to ensure the disease has not yet been triggered. Addiction, from a biological perspective, is seen as a disease.

In addiction research, it’s believed that people misuse alcohol and drugs because of the chemical reactions these produce in the brain. Most substances increase dopamine release in areas that have become known as our biological “reward” pathways (some people still mistakenly call these our “pleasure centers”). Repeated substance use can cause long-term changes in these reward pathways, altering responses and making future substance use more likely.

The disease model of addiction has its advantages and disadvantages. Yes, there’s some power in knowing what may make you at risk of addiction. As a society, we can look at ways to minimize these risk factors, and therefore the possibility of addictive behaviors. However, predeterminism can also promote a sense of helplessness. It may lead you to think, Well, addiction is in my genes. What hope is there?

“A risk factor is not destiny.” – Adi Jaffe, The Abstinence Myth

At the same time, biological research has also led to effective pharmacological treatments (medications) that help people overcome their problems with alcohol and drug use, mental-health issues, and such associated difficulties as cravings and withdrawal. This is primarily achieved by either replacing or blocking the same receptors with which the drugs typically interact. For some, medications have produced incredibly successful outcomes, while for others they have had little to no effect.

So…Is Addiction Really a Biological Disease?

Importantly, research has revealed that certain biological risk factors increase the odds of addictive outcomes, but not a single factor has been discovered that predicts addiction with certainty. This means that, while biology is necessary for drug-use problems to develop (if your brain doesn’t react to a drug, you will not become addicted to it), it is not sufficient to explain them.

As far as I’m concerned, this alone means that we cannot rely on biology as the stand-alone explanation for addiction. If someone can be heavily biologically predisposed and yet not develop the condition, then additional factors—environmental influence, life experience, etc.—must be added to the model.

So the question isn’t whether biology matters, but rather to what extent? The problem is that everyone believes the answer, whatever it might be, would be static—the same for everyone at all times.

But we also know that the brain is not static.

Your brain changes constantly with experiences. It can change through exposure to drugs, sure, but it is also rewired constantly with new experiences (and the stoppage of drug taking).

The same exact thing can be said of environmental and psychological influences—they ebb and flow as circumstances change.

It’s important to understand the neurological basis of addiction and drug use because it can be helpful in understanding why one person may develop an addiction and another may not. Understanding the causes can help empower you to understand your own circumstances, but let’s not let it limit you in your beliefs about making positive changes in your life.

Biology works in conjunction with many other factors to result in addiction, and treatment must encompass all of those factors too. The notion that addiction is one thing for all people can be dangerous and leave many addicts feeling misunderstood, reacting to an imposed rationale for their experience. If we can adopt a more nuanced understanding, I believe we will be able to help more people and help them more comprehensively.

In my new book, The Abstinence Myth, I rely on this nuanced understanding of addiction as the basis to my system for overcoming addiction. This is also the foundation for my IGNTD Recovery Course which aims to generate hope rather than hopelessness. I believe that you can personalize your recovery and see immediate results, regardless of your specific mix of factors and circumstances.

 

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17 Tips To Cope With Depressed Teens

Depressed teens are everywhere. If you’re the mom of a depressed teen, you’re not alone. Depression is so very prevalent and affects all age groups – from childhood to elder-hood. So what happens when you realize you have a depressed teenager? Of course, you want to do the best for your child no matter what the situation. But coping with depressed teens is not only difficult for the teens, but also for the parent(s).

Depressed Teens Suffer In Many Ways

Besides being depressed and feeling overwhelmed with life, your depressed teen may be anxious, may be acting out by doing self-harm behaviors such as cutting and/or burning, and may be having suicidal thoughts and even a suicide attempt. Anger, irritability, and other feelings may also be difficult to be around as the child may blame you, scream at you, or even threaten or hit you. They may be very impulsive and struggle to look at healthy ways to deal with their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Or he/she/they may just give up. They may refuse to do any activities, for sometimes, there is no pleasure in doing things that used to be pleasurable. They may sleep all day or have problems with insomnia, feel guilty and/or worthless, and struggle with concentration and memory, making school-work difficult.

Wow. Read this list again, so you can recognize and digest how difficult this illness for your child and for you. But you can help in a number of ways.

17 Tips For Moms Of Depressed Teens

Do not take on their depression. While we wish we could take away our children’s pain, we cannot do so for this is their life and they need to learn how to cope in healthy ways. Becoming depressed regarding their illness only makes the situation worse.
Support them in healthy ways. Let them talk, cry, and vent their feelings, but don’t take on these feelings. In order to work through the depression, they need to be able to get to this feeling level while examining coping skills.
Use other family/friends for your support because you will need it. Depression can be exhausting not only to the teen, but to you the parent.
Work with the school system. There are various support groups, guidance counselors, and school social workers who can be a support for your child and for you. Do not hesitate to use them.
Get outside counseling for the child, for you, and/or the entire family. Depression is a family illness and having the whole family involved in treatment is extremely valuable.
Support the child being placed on medications if that is recommended. Remember that depression is an illness and that may teens respond positively to treatment, especially to the combination of therapy and medications. Do not make a big deal about the medication; relate that it is no different than if they were on insulin for diabetes.
Do not get involved in their drama. Teens can tend to be rather dramatic at the best of times and being depressed can add to the drama. Treat their illness in a matter-of-fact manner.
Set healthy boundaries. Do not become enmeshed in their problems. You can help but you cannot do this for them. Help them to take responsibility for their own health.
Encourage the child to do things – do not nag – encourage. Sometimes if you can get them involved in an activity, they may find that they are able to have fun (but sometimes, there is still no pleasure).
Let them know that you are a support and will do what you can for them such as helping with homework, going for a walk with them, and watching a funny movie.
Continue to educate yourself about teen depression.
Keep all kinds of weapons away from the teen. If you have guns, get them out of the house.
Have an open discussion that shows your child you want to help; ask your teen what he needs from you and from the family.
And as always, find fun things to do for yourself with family and friends. Sometimes you’ll just need to spend some time away from the situation – go out to dinner with friends, go do some fun shopping, or treat yourself to a hot fudge sundae.
Continually tell your teens you love them no matter what.
Do not neglect the other children; they need you as well.
Focus on your own gratitude for the positives in life. You’ll need to be reminded that there are good things happening.

And always, always remember that depression is usually treatable in at least 80% of the population – typically with a combination of therapy and medications. Embrace such healing for your child and for yourself. Depression is an illness; it is not a life sentence.

Did you know that coloring can improve your mental health? Here’s a fun way get back to your true self, with our new coloring book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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Almost Half Of US Adults Who Drink, Drink Too Much, And Continue To Do So

A new study led by Boston University School of Public Health (BUSPH) researchers has found that about 40 percent of adults in the United States who drink alcohol do so in amounts that risk health consequences, and identifies a range of factors associated with starting or stopping drinking too much.

The study, published in the Journal of Substance Use, found that 73 percent of those drinking risky amounts were still doing so two to four years later, while 15 percent of those not drinking risky amounts began to. Starting to drink too much was associated with being younger, transitioning to legal drinking age, being male and white, and smoking and drug use, among other social factors.

“Some people just stop drinking too much, but most continue for years, and others not drinking too much will begin doing so during adulthood,” says lead author Richard Saitz, professor of community health sciences at BUSPH. “Public health and clinical messages need repeating, particularly in young adulthood. Once is not enough.”

The researchers used data collected by interview from a nationally representative sample of more than 34,000 adults in the US who completed the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions in 2001-2002 and again in 2004-2005.

The survey assessed participants’ drinking in the past month using a well-validated interview tool. “At-risk use” was defined as more than 14 drinks per week on average or more than 4 on an occasion for men, and more than 7 per week or more than 3 on an occasion for women.

The biggest predictor of transitioning to at-risk alcohol use was younger age, particularly among participants who were under the drinking age at the time of the first survey. Other factors were being male, not married, becoming divorced or separated, being in the military, being in good or excellent health, smoking, drug use, and having an alcohol use disorder. The researchers found predictors of not transitioning to at-risk use were being black, reporting more stressful life experiences, having children between the first and second rounds of the survey, and unemployment.

Predictors of continuing to drink too much were also being younger, male, having an alcohol use disorder, and using tobacco or other drugs. Being Black and/or Hispanic, receiving alcohol use disorder treatment, and having children between the two rounds of the survey were predictors of transitioning to lower-risk use.

“These findings suggest that not only do many people who drink, drink amounts associated with health consequences, but that without intervention they are likely to continue to do so,” Saitz says. “Screening or self-assessments, and counseling, feedback, or public health messaging have roles in interrupting these patterns. The predictors we identified may help target those efforts.”

The study was co-authored by Timothy Heeren, professor of biostatistics at BUSPH, and Wenxing Zha and Ralph Hingson of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.

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Are You The “Fixer” In Your Relationship?

There is a tendency to live in patterns, or to re-live patterns…depending on what works for any given person. Being a fixer is one such pattern. Often, the patterns are hidden from our view, found outside our peripheral vision or in our blind spots. These patterns play themselves out in every area of our lives until we discover them and let them go.

Friends Can’t Fix Us

We bristle and reject the communication of friends who try to illuminate the pattern for us. Some friends can be blunt and tell us like it is, while others sugarcoat the elusive pattern in analogies. Friends have good intentions, but their words frequently fall on deaf ears; their efforts to get us to see what we cannot are wasted.

Are You A Fixer?

A common pattern is found in those who are driven to “fix” other people and relationships. The fixing pattern is really a deflection or diversion which is projected onto others. There is less risk in fixing others than there is in fixing oneself, after all.

“Fixers” are obsessed with fixing anything which they deem broken and they are not above breaking it so that they can fix it! They are smooth talkers, having the ability to persuade and convince. They are also bullies and they communicate by throwing out hurtful accusations that are untruthful and just plain unkind.

Extreme fixers are emotional abusers, and often they cannot see the pattern they are employing to manipulate and disempower the people they claim to love. And they play it out over and over again, in relationship after relationship where they’ve labelled their exes “crazy” or “unlovable”. They take a potentially fulfilling relationship and break it, just so they can fix it. Such is their obsession with repeating the pattern.

Fixing Can Backfire

A close friend who is a “fixer” recently ended his relationship by assuming a tragic life event had broken his fiancé. Instead of providing the emotional support that would have empowered her, he tried to fix her. When she resisted his efforts, he created chaos in the relationship and she ended it. She unknowingly played right into his hand, because now he can try to fix it.

Who Fixers Are Attracted To

Fixers often find themselves in relationships with people who are trying to heal their own patterns. On one hand, aware that patterns exist and on the other, unclear which is theirs…. “seekers” are vulnerable to fixers because they are trying to uncover their own patterns. Seekers lose discernment when they assume that fixers are also seeking their own truth. Sadly, this is not the case but fortunately, seekers are usually self-aware and can see the pattern for what it is and let it go.  Who knows, they may even realize their own pattern in the process!

Let Go

Being curious and aware of what triggers you in communication will shine the light on the patterns that you play out in your own life. We’re all human and we all have these patterns of behavior that hold us back from true freedom and happiness…why not begin your own discovery with forgiveness and let go?

Fixing and codependency go hand in hand, but we can move from COdependent to INdependent. Our Codependent in the Kitchen shares her recipes for independence and delicious foods in this charming cookbook.

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4 Questions Reveal Relationship Red Flags

Want to know if you should be in or out? Take the Relationship Red Flags Test. Everything may seem okay, but how many couples are really treating each other in the right ways?  Sure, I know some couples who seem totally enlightened, supportive of each other, attractive, loving, living their best life. They make me want to puke, but I wish them well. I really do.

Will You Pass The Relationship Red Flags Test?

Then, there are the rest of us. Maybe we’re divorced, maybe we’ve never met the right one, maybe we’ve found relationships but they’re far from perfect, or maybe we’re in and out of relationships. Whatever the case may be for the majority of people, relationships take work. They don’t fall into your lap, and they don’t flourish if you don’t nourish them.

For myself, a person in recovery, there are all kinds of added issues in relationships. If I’m having a totally honest moment, I’ll admit that serious, committed relationships can sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. So, I work at it. Here are some questions I’ve learned to ask myself along the way that today help me determine if I’m with the right person and if the relationship has sustainability.

Ask Yourself:

1. Am I able to be myself with this person?

This is also known as, who am I bringing to the table in this relationship? The best version of myself? The grown-up who is smart, stable and responsible. Or, am I showing up as a different version of myself? And, if so, why? These are super important things to determine quickly because I’ve had relationships in the past where I knew I didn’t have to show up as my best self. Looking back I know why I did that and my motives were not solid. It’s critical to sort my motives out early so I don’t find myself playing a part I’ll resent later.

2.  Are there things about the person I’m keeping a secret?

Sometimes it seems like the path of least resistance to keep something about the person you’re dating secret from friends, relatives, and sponsors because it may concern them and you don’t think it’s a problem. I’ll speak for myself—I was dating someone a while back who had one business venture in a drug business. I neglected to mention this because I knew my friends and family would frown. Turns out, it did make me uncomfortable, and after the relationship ended, I was relieved to not see drugs around the house. If I’m keeping something a secret about the person I’m dating, it’s a huge red flag.

3. Does this person help me stay on the beam, or make me feel like I’m going to fall off?

This is a tough one because sometimes the people we fall for aren’t the best for us. Someone once told me that real, sustainable loves happens with people you feel totally comfortable with—it’s easy from the start, it feels safe, and they don’t make you crazy. I’m not embarrassed to admit I’ve fallen for the exciting, intoxicating kind of love, but it never lasts. Love at first fight, lust, whatever you want to call it rarely translates into a healthy, long-term relationship. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen. There are always exceptions to the rule. My experience has shown me that people who are exciting or intoxicating might be fun but rarely show up as the dependable partners we really need for a committed, long-term relationship. Shoot for people who help you stay on the beam, who understand and respect a recovery lifestyle and NEVER make you feel like you want to act out in a destructive, or self-destructive way to manage unmanageable feelings. People who truly love you won’t make you feel awful.

4.  Am I people-pleasing too soon?

The people-pleaser in me LOVES to accommodate. I sometimes find myself suggesting something that I don’t want to do before the sentence is even finished coming out of my mouth just because I think it will make the other person happy. Why do I do it? I don’t know!! But, I have to catch myself and step back. A friend recently told me, “You can always change your mind.” Great advice. When I find myself agreeing to plans that put me out, or I know I REALLY don’t want to do, I need to think about what’s going on with my decision making. This is all about being authentic – with myself and the people I get involved with. That’s not to say we don’t do things for other people or go out of our way for the people we love. I’m talking about something totally different here that involves doing things that don’t make sense because we may think they’ll come with some slap of approval.

Those are the big ones for me. If I’ve missed something you struggle with, please feel free to let me know!

There’s no “I” in recovery success. We need to “Stick with the Winners”, and sometimes we need a trendy enamel pin to keep us on track.

The post 4 Questions Reveal Relationship Red Flags appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Relationship Red Flag Quiz

Want to know if you should be in or out? Take the Relationship Red Flag Quiz. Everything may seem okay, but how many couples are really treating each other in the right ways?  Sure, I know some couples who seem totally enlightened, supportive of each other, attractive, loving, living their best life. They make me want to puke, but I wish them well. I really do.

Does your relationship pass the red flag quiz?

Then, there are the rest of us. Maybe we’re divorced, maybe we’ve never met the right one, maybe we’ve found relationships but they’re far from perfect, or maybe we’re in and out of relationships. Whatever the case may be for the majority of people, relationships take work. They don’t fall into your lap, and they don’t flourish if you don’t nourish them.

For myself, a person in recovery, there are all kinds of added issues in relationships. If I’m having a totally honest moment, I’ll admit that serious, committed relationships can sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. So, I work at it. Here are some questions I’ve learned to ask myself along the way that today help me determine if I’m with the right person and if the relationship has sustainability.

Ask Yourself

Am I able to be myself with this person?

This is also known as, who am I bringing to the table in this relationship? The best version of myself? The grown-up who is smart, stable and responsible. Or, am I showing up as a different version of myself? And, if so, why? These are super important things to determine quickly because I’ve had relationships in the past where I knew I didn’t have to show up as my best self. Looking back I know why I did that and my motives were not solid. It’s critical to sort my motives out early so I don’t find myself playing a part I’ll resent later.

Are there things about the person I’m keeping a secret?

Sometimes it seems like the path of least resistance to keep something about the person you’re dating secret from friends, relatives, and sponsors because it may concern them and you don’t think it’s a problem. I’ll speak for myself—I was dating someone a while back who had one business venture in a drug business. I neglected to mention this because I knew my friends and family would frown. Turns out, it did make me uncomfortable, and after the relationship ended, I was relieved to not see drugs around the house. If I’m keeping something a secret about the person I’m dating, it’s a huge red flag.

Does this person help me stay on the beam, or make me feel like I’m going to fall off?

This is a tough one because sometimes the people we fall for aren’t the best for us. Someone once told me that real, sustainable loves happens with people you feel totally comfortable with—it’s easy from the start, it feels safe, and they don’t make you crazy. I’m not embarrassed to admit I’ve fallen for the exciting, intoxicating kind of love, but it never lasts. Love at first fight, lust, whatever you want to call it rarely translates into a healthy, long-term relationship. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen. There are always exceptions to the rule. My experience has shown me that people who are exciting or intoxicating might be fun but rarely show up as the dependable partners we really need for a committed, long-term relationship. Shoot for people who help you stay on the beam, who understand and respect a recovery lifestyle and NEVER make you feel like you want to act out in a destructive, or self-destructive way to manage unmanageable feelings. People who truly love you won’t make you feel awful.

4.   Am I people-pleasing too soon?

The people-pleaser in me LOVES to accommodate. I sometimes find myself suggesting something that I don’t want to do before the sentence is even finished coming out of my mouth just because I think it will make the other person happy. Why do I do it? I don’t know!! But, I have to catch myself and step back. A friend recently told me, “You can always change your mind.” Great advice. When I find myself agreeing to plans that put me out, or I know I REALLY don’t want to do, I need to think about what’s going on with my decision making. This is all about being authentic – with myself and the people I get involved with. That’s not to say we don’t do things for other people or go out of our way for the people we love. I’m talking about something totally different here that involves doing things that don’t make sense because we may think they’ll come with some slap of approval.

 

Those are the big ones for me. If I’ve missed something you struggle with, please feel free to let me know!

The post Relationship Red Flag Quiz appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

10 Ways To Break The Narcissist’s Spell

What is a narcissist, you might ask. Are you controlled by one? Narcissists are the most confusing (and dangerous) people on earth. If they are toxic or malignant narcissists, they take control and rob you of your independence in every way. Don’t confuse a garden variety selfish person with a full on narcissist or sociopath.

See it coming and run for the hills. What’s difficult to assess in the beginning is that narcissists can seem super nice and generous and caring. Then slowly things begin to change as their masks slip and they morph into the black hole of need, of demand, of criticism. And the list goes on. Until you’re walking through a minefield, trying not to be punished for offending.

A narcissist will commonly choose someone raised to be co-dependent as prey. Co-dependent people tend to be nice, sweet, reasonable, eager to please. They can be taken in because they don’t see what’s coming and don’t believe people can be toxic for no reason. Most people don’t know how to defend ourselves against a chronic malicious controller. They just can’t see the hurt coming and, over time, they are destructively conditioned to take more and more of it until they are tiptoeing through a mine field, fearful that they are the crazy ones. A narcissist will take control by any means at hand. Let us count 10 common ways: 

1. Gaslighting

We’ve written a lot about gaslighting a lot, and how destructive it is. This is not an official psychological term. When you are gaslighted, you feel uncomfortable and know something toxic has occurred, but the narcissist in your life tells you: “That didn’t happen. You imagined it. You’re crazy.” In a nutshell you’re lied to and that makes you doubt yourself. Gaslighting may be the most insidious manipulative tactic. A steady diet of doubting your ability to tell it like it really is alters your sense of reality. Your self-doubt eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in labeling and calling out abuse and mistreatment.

Solution: Write events down so you have a record later. Have a trusted group of friends and relations you can share information with who can validate what really happened, so you are grounded in reality. Your reality is sacred and needs respect. Note, telling and discussing what’s happening to you with others who love you is different from triangulation, which is using others to cause conflict. Best case scenario, get away from people who gaslight you. If they’re family members, limit their access to you.

2. Projecting Negative Feelings On You

Projection is a defense mechanism narcissists use to displace responsibility of their negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. Narcissists cannot bear to think of themselves as bad, responsible for anything, angry, or difficult. Narcissists are constantly projecting feelings that they cannot tolerate outward to others rather than turning inward. They can’t admit or own up to what they have done. The narcissist creates his own world. Everything revolves around him/her. He believes that he is the initiator and master of his personal and professional domain. Everyone else has a role and that is of serving him and his specific purposes.

“You’re mad. You’re sulking, and you’re ruining my day…” are things they say to keep you off center. Projection is when narcissists dump their own traits on unsuspecting suspects. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, narcissists expect others to take responsibility for their bad behavior and feel ashamed. “I’m sorry. I love you,” is the response they want. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

Solution: Detach. Detach, and detach. Feeling sorry for them and trying to deny the charge, or explain yourself, only opens the way to further manipulation. Narcissists rarely have an interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you don’t lose your own identity and independence of thought.

3. Creating Word Salad Conflicts

Narcissists thrive on conflict. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track.

Word salads and nonsensical conversations often erupt into arguments and are used to discredit, confuse, and frustrate you. The goal is to distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for having independent thoughts, opinions, and feelings that might differ from their own. In the eyes of a narcissist, you are the problem if you happen to exist and disagree in any way.

Solution: When conversations go in a circle, or become nonsensical, don’t get frustrated. Frustration or anger is what a narcissist wants. Change the subject, or walk away. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” will set a boundary. Boundary setting is crucial for people you want to keep in your life. 

4. Nitpicking and Game Changing

Did you already fulfill someone’s need to be excessively catered to? Are you dressing for them cooking for them, working on yourself constantly to always be in a good mood, to be lovable and worthy? Now it’s time for a narcissist change what’s required. Little things you already corrected will need tweaking. New goals are set. Constant criticism of things you do that used to be praised puts you into a confused and anxious state. There’s no point to the new demands or criticism except for you to work harder for narcissist’s approval and validation.

By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and focusing on it, narcissists divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you’re going to have to meet – until eventually you’re always bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need – only to realize they will never be satisfied.

Solution: Don’t get sucked into the conversation about whatever you’ve done wrong. Stop the tape. Disengage by taking a break. Acknowledge to yourself this is nonsense. Your opinion matters. If you are asking yourself, “Am I crazy” several times a day: Detach, detach, detach.

5. Misrepresenting Your Thoughts, Opinions, and Feelings

Your toxic narcissist is a mind reader.  Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling, and it’s never good. Their own triggers drive their reactions, so they never evaluate what’s really happening. They put words in your mouth, depict you as having a bad intention or toxic view you don’t have. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic – even before you’ve gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior – and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.

Narcissists reframe what you’re saying to make your opinions look absurd. Let’s say you bring up the fact that you’re unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” or “So I’m the bad one,” when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to take away your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.

Solution: Simply stating, “I never said that,” and walking away can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. As long as the narcissist’s smokescreen and blame-shifting to you works the focus is off their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be “shamed” for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.

6. Changing The Subject

This is another smokescreen tactic. This one diverts a conversation about what a narcissist did, or does, in another direction. Often the redirect lands on one of your weaknesses. Narcissists don’t want you to on hold them accountable for anything. Complaining about their behavior? They’ll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like “What about the time when…”

Solution: Diversions need to be redirected back to the original subject. “That’s not what I am talking about. Let’s stay focused on the real issue.” If the broken record continues to focus on you, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive – like not having a debate with someone who has the mental age of a toddler.

7. Smearing and Stalking

Toxic narcissists will slander you and report back to your loved ones, their loved ones, and anyone who will listen. They create stories that depict you as abusive and pretend they are the victims of your abuse. They claim that you engage in the behaviors that they don’t want you to accuse them of. Even worse, they deliberately abuse you so they can use your angry reactions against you.

A smear campaign sabotages your reputation and slanders your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on if you decide to detach and cut ties. A malignant narcissist may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to “expose” the truth about you. Smearing you hides their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

Solution: Get help. Seriously. Don’t wait until this goes too far. This is more than hurtful. Stick to the facts and don’t react when you’re an object of a smear campaign. In high-conflict divorces narcissists will use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents, and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible. Find a therapist and a lawyer familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder if necessary.

8. Triangulating

Triangulation is bringing the opinion, perspective or threat of another person, or other people, into the relationship dynamic.  Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members to bolster their claims about you. “Everyone knows what you do to me.” When a narcissist changes the story so that you appear the aggressor, it validates the toxic person’s abuse. At the same time, it invalidates your reaction to abuse. Triangulation puts you on the defensive and makes it difficult for others to know what’s really going on. If you try to defend yourself too vigorously, that may also validate the other person’s claims.

Triangulation can also create love triangles that leave you on the outside feeling unhinged and insecure. They also use the opinions of others (that they have influenced) to validate their point of view.

This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself – if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn’t that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.

Solution: To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation.

9. Preemptive Defense Posturing

Preemptive defense is setting up a false nice guy front. Narcissists paint themselves in glowing terms all the time, stressing qualities they don’t have. “I’m a nice person.” Or, “I’m too nice. Or “You can trust me…I really care about people. I would never hurt you, or anyone.” There’s no basis in fact for these assertions.

Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first building a solid foundation of trust. When you see their false mask begin to slip periodically during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, the true self is revealed to be terrifyingly cold, callous and contemptuous.

Solution: To counter a preemptive defense, reevaluate why a person may be emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you don’t trust them, or because they know you shouldn’t? Trust actions more than words and see how someone’s actions reveal who they really are.

10. Bait and Sugarcoating

Toxic individuals love to mess with you. A simple comment may bait you into responding politely initially, but by the third jab it’s hard not to react. Then the narcissist feigns innocence. They use your insecurities maliciously to provoke you. After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer.

Solution: Remember you’re being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether. Provocative statements, name-calling, hurtful accusations or unsupported generalizations, for example, are common baiting tactics. Your gut instinct can also tell you when you’re being baited. Feeling bad about what another is saying and expounding on is a red flag for you to get some space and detach.

The control that narcissists have over their victims is no joking matter. Become aware and take steps to take care of yourself. You may need help getting away and healing. If you are deeply embroiled and there are children involved, or if you don’t feel safe, find legal and other help to protect you.

Need more tools to help your recovery grow? Check out our latest book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

The post 10 Ways To Break The Narcissist’s Spell appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.