Leslie Glass's Blog, page 347

How To Handle A Disrespectful Teenager

From Lois V. Nightingale @ Good Therapy: “Don’t you walk away when I’m talking to you!” The adolescent years are difficult for many families. To make things more complicated, puberty begins earlier and children leave home permanently later than in any previous generation. This means parents may spend more time navigating changes and challenges that arise as their children become adults.

Developmental stages are determined by internal biological clocks. The age at which a child learns to walk, begins talking, understands object permanence, understands that death is permanent, or develops romantic attractions is determined mostly by biology, not parenting. It is often easier for a parent not to personalize their 4-year-old repeatedly asking “why?” than it is not to take the individuation attempts of a teen personally. On top of stress that may occur as teenagers find their independence, parents are often exhausted from work, household responsibilities, parenting obligations, and extended family needs.

Burnout and Parents of Teenagers

Many households are run by single parents or have a disabled parent in the home. Trying to squeeze in a little self-care, exercise, and time with friends may seem nearly impossible when it’s needed most.

I invite parents who seek counseling with me to first consider if heated exchanges at home are, in part, a signal they are burned out. When parents are sleep-deprived, experiencing relationship issues, or neglecting activities that recharge their emotional batteries, it is often apparent in the tone they set for the household.

Why Is Your Teenager Disrespectful?

Adolescent anger or angst is not a parent’s fault. In fact, outward expressions of anger may be a sign of adolescent depression. If this is a concern, calmly take your teen to a licensed counselor or to their physician to be evaluated. Most tension between parents and adolescents is a normal part of individuation. Remember, it is up to the adult, not the adolescent, to stop the back-and-forth.

Adolescents do not have the insight, power, or privileges adults do. They can’t sign legal documents or stay out past curfew, and they depend on their parents for finances, health care, extracurricular activities, vacations, clothes—nearly everything. A teenager’s dependency is often at odds with their strong emotional desire for independence. This battle rages within the teen and more often than not, spills over onto those closest to them.

Handling Disrespectful Behavior: Be the Example

Respecting a teen’s feelings is not the same as giving them everything they want. Validating that an adolescent has the right to hope and dream for anything without caving in to their demands can build mutual respect and foster dignity. In households where parents are confident in the parameters they set, the teen can express their frustration, agitation, even anger, and the parent does not take their emotions personally.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent.

Adolescent moods can change moment to moment. Parents who focus primarily on making a teen happy tend to defend themselves, try to get the teen to see things their way, and shame the teen if they express uncomfortable emotions about the parent’s decision. When parents are clear they are responsible for their own emotions and don’t blame others (including their children) for how they feel, it’s easier for a teen to understand they are also responsible for their own feelings.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent. These are often employed by the teen in less sophisticated or polite ways.

6 Tips for Parents with Disrespectful Teens

What is the alternative for parents? Those with disrespectful teens may find the following tips helpful.

1. Model respect.

Set up expectations ahead of time. Write them down. Be consistent and don’t change your mind at the last minute. If you feel resentful about a privilege you are giving, set up a predictable reward system and have your adolescent earn that privilege. Doing so may make it easier not to hold privileges over their head when you feel taken for granted.

2. Don’t get sucked into arguments about facts or perceived facts.

Your teen has much more time and energy than you do to collect good argument data. Remember that you have the right to set a boundary just because you’re comfortable with it.

If you are clear with yourself about what you will contribute (phone, computer, driving to a friend’s house, money, shopping, entertainment, etc.), you may spend less time in conversations defending yourself and your decisions. You might also have more energy to validate your teen’s feelings. Use phrases such as, “I can see you are disappointed,” “It’s okay to be upset,” and “It looks like you’re frustrated.” Don’t try to show your teen a different way to look at the situation. They may interpret this as an attempt to change how they feel or think that you believe how they feel is wrong.

3. Practice active listening.

Demonstrate you are really listening and that you have compassion for their frustration. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are experimenting with ways to cope with strong emotions. The more methods for handling strong feelings you demonstrate, the more ideas they may have to choose from.

4. Take time for yourself.

Spend time with quality friends, exercise, pursue a creative outlet, listen to music, dance, laugh, write, plan outings, eat healthy foods, learn something new, organize your surroundings, go to therapy, garden, or volunteer where you feel appreciated. Show your adolescent that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and peace of mind.

5. Be sure to laugh.

Lead conversations with humor. Don’t take every conversation so seriously. Laughter lightens up a household, but sarcasm or belittling humor do not.

6. Give compliments.

So many seemingly bad behaviors in teenagers stem from a desire to be addressed. Be sure you are giving at least five compliments for every one directive, which is telling your teen what to do or how to change. Finding things to compliment may be hard to do in a defiant adolescent. Push yourself a bit. The more you model that you admire your child, the more they may see what respect looks like.

If you continue to feel frustrated with the arguments and attitudes in your home, consider family therapy. The sooner a family seeks treatment, the easier it can be to begin moving toward a harmonious, respectful household.

Reference:

Sawyer, M. S., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2017, January 17). The age of adolescence. The Lancet: Child and Adolescent Health, 3(2), 223-228. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18...

Did you know the 12 Steps, which have helped millions find recovery, can also help parents find peace and serenity? Check out our latest book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

The post How To Handle A Disrespectful Teenager appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

4 Easy To Miss Signs Of Teen Eating Disorder

From Jan E. Brody @ The New York Times: Eating disorders pose serious hazards to adolescents and young adults and are often hidden from family, friends and even doctors, sometimes until the disorders cause lasting health damage and have become highly resistant to treatment.

According to the Family Institute at Northwestern University, nearly 3 percent of teenagers between the ages of 13 and 18 have eating disorders. Boys as well as girls may be affected. Even when the disorder does not reach the level of a clinical diagnosis, some studies suggest that as many as half of teenage girls and 30 percent of boys have seriously distorted eating habits that can adversely affect them physically, academically, psychologically and socially.

Eating disorders can ultimately be fatal, said Dr. Laurie Hornberger, a specialist in adolescent medicine at Children’s Mercy Kansas City. “People with eating disorders can die of medical complications, but they may be even more likely to die of suicide. They become tired of having their lives controlled by eating and food issues.”

The problem is especially common among, though not limited to, gymnasts, dancers, models, wrestlers and other athletes, who often struggle to maintain ultra-slim bodies or maintain restrictive weight limits. The transgender population is also at higher risk for eating disorders.

It is not unusual for teenagers to adopt strange or extreme food-related behaviors, prompting many parents to think “this too shall pass.” But experts say an eating disorder — anorexia, bulimia or binge-eating — should not be considered “normal” adolescent behavior, and they urge the adults in the youngsters’ lives to be alert to telltale signs and take necessary action to stop the problem before it becomes entrenched.

The importance of early diagnosis was underscored recently by an expert committee of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, whose members are frequently called upon to explain menstrual irregularities and other consequences of abnormal food behaviors in young girls and women.

The college’s Committee on Adolescent Health Care noted in a published opinion in June that “adult and adolescent females with eating disorders may present with one or more gynecological concerns or symptoms.” These can include a delay in puberty; irregular menses; complete stoppage of menstrual periods; pelvic pain; a thin, dry, inflamed vagina; and shrinkage of the breasts.

While such gynecological symptoms usually self-correct when normal eating habits and body weight are restored, certain effects of eating disorders, especially when longstanding, can have serious and lasting health consequences. One is an insufficient development of bone density at a critical time of bone growth, resulting in a lifelong high risk of fractures. Another is possible cancer-inducing damage to the upper digestive tract and salivary glands from frequent self-induced vomiting, a practice common to bulimics.

“Youngsters with eating disorders devote a lot of time and mental energy on what they’re going to eat next,” said Dr. Anne-Marie Amies Oelschlager, a pediatric and adolescent gynecologist at Seattle Children’s Hospital and co-author of the new report. “Their food restrictions can negatively impact athletic and academic performance and rob them of the ability to concentrate, relax and enjoy more interesting things. When they start eating better, you see an improvement in school performance.”

Dr. Amies Oelschlager said that many youngsters “don’t realize their eating disorder can have a long-term impact. During adolescence you pile on bone density — establishing, in effect, a bone-density piggy bank — that is supposed to help sustain bone strength for life.”

Even though treatment of eating disorders is beyond the scope of gynecological practice, the expert committee urged the college’s members to recognize and screen patients at risk for a food-related problem and identify those who should be referred for further evaluation and multidisciplinary therapy, if needed.

A reversal of eating disorders frequently requires both physical and psychological treatment. Sometimes immediate hospitalization is needed to medically stabilize the patient before treatment of the underlying disorder can begin.

The first step, though, is to recognize the possible presence of an eating disorder. The committee suggested that as part of an examination, the doctor ask the patient “how she feels about her weight, what she is eating, how much she is eating and how much she is exercising” and follow up with an appropriate physical exam and laboratory tests.

Parents, as well as other family members and friends, can play a critical role in recognizing a girl or boy with an eating disorder and getting the person into therapy that can head off untoward consequences.

Noting that “unhealthy food-related behaviors can fly under parents’ radar,” the Family Institute has listed these signs to look for:

Restricting an increasing number of food groups without replacing them with others. “Kids announce they want to eat healthfully and eliminate sweets, then carbs, then fats and soon there’s little left.”
Significant weight change. Teenagers can become fixated on the numbers on the scale and continue to pursue weight loss despite having no evidence of a weight problem.
Repeated extended trips to the bathroom, especially with water running to conceal vomiting, a part of the binge and purge cycle of bulimia.
Excessive exercise, especially when coupled with restricted eating habits.
Avoiding activities that involve food, like family meals or friends’ parties. Comments like “I’ll eat in my room” or “I’m not hungry — I had a big lunch” can be a sign of unhealthy food avoidance.

When such indicators are coupled with accompanying symptoms like reduced energy, isolation, irritability and social withdrawal, professional help should be sought, the institute said. If possible, referral to an eating disorder center is ideal.

“An eating disorder is one of the hardest things to watch a child go through,” said Dr. Nancy Sokkary, another co-author of the committee opinion who specializes in pediatric and adolescent gynecology at Navicent Health Children’s Hospital in Macon, Ga. But like youngsters with eating disorders, a fair percentage of parents are in denial themselves, she said.

Potential mistreatment is another obstacle. Dr. Sokkary said that doctors may mistakenly prescribe oral contraceptives for a girl whose irregular or absent menstrual cycle is really caused by an eating disorder. The pill simply masks the problem and makes it difficult to accurately monitor successful treatment of the eating disorder, indicated by a return of normal menses.

Furthermore, Dr. Sokkary said in an interview, the estrogen in oral contraceptives “doesn’t help restore normal bone mineral density — in fact, it sometimes makes it worse. Rather, weight restoration is the most effective therapy for improving bone mineral density.”

Did you know the 12 Steps, which have helped millions find recovery, can also help us work through a multitude of issues? Check out our latest book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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A Reminder That Addiction Is An Illness, Not A Character Flaw

By Lindsay Holmes from The Huffington Post:

On Tuesday, Demi Lovato was rushed to the hospital for a reported drug overdose. A month prior, Lovato had opened up about her experience with addiction in her single “Sober,” revealing in the ballad that she had relapsed. Her team released a statement following her hospitalization saying the singer is stable and that her “recovery is the most important thing right now.”

Lovato’s experience is a very public reminder that recovery from substance abuse, like with any other chronic illness, can be a lifelong process ― one that may include relapse. Research shows the relapse rate for those living with addiction is about 40 to 60 percent, which is comparable to the relapse rates of people living with diabetes, hypertension and asthma. The difference? The stigma around addiction makes it easy for people to regard relapse as some sort of moral failure.

But spoiler alert: It’s not. While addiction relapse is devastating and painful ― and needs attention and treatment ― experts stress it’s also absolutely not a sign of weakness or a character flaw.

“Substance use disorders are chronic brain diseases caused by both biological or genetic characteristics that are largely out of the person’s control and by environmental insults that are only partially in the person’s control,” said Andrew Saxon, chair of the American Psychiatric Association’s council on addiction psychiatry. “Morality does not enter into the equation at all.”

Substance use disorders are chronic brain diseases. … Morality does not enter into the equation at all.Andrew Saxon, chair of the American Psychiatric Association’s council on addiction psychiatry

Furthermore, just like cancer or other health issues, addiction doesn’t discriminate. The illness can affect people from all demographics, which also debunks the view that addiction makes someone a failure or a terrible person, said Jamison Monroe Jr., founder and CEO of the Newport Academy, a mental health and addiction treatment center for young adults.

“Addiction can happen to anyone. From the rich and famous, to teens with good families, to parents, and everyone in between, no one is immune to addiction,” Monroe said. “Experiencing addiction does not make you a ‘bad’ person, and relapsing does not mean that you are weak.”

Helping Someone Who Is At Risk

Given that more than 20 million American adults live with a substance use disorder, it could be likely you know someone who has experienced the condition. Understanding that addiction is a disease just like any other long-term illness is vital, but there’s more that loved ones can do to be supportive. It’s not enough to be compassionate in silence. You need to show up.

“Studies show that the likelihood of relapse goes down when individuals have better coping skills and social support networks,” Monroe said. “So relapse can be an indication that a person in recovery needs to build in more support for living a sober life.”

If you know someone who is dealing with addiction and potential relapse, here’s how you can actually make a difference:

Reaffirm to the person living with the disease that it is not their fault.

A person isn’t defined by their addiction. “The individual with a substance use disorder needs support and affirmation that the maladaptive behaviors that are part of the substance use disorder syndrome represent the disease and not the underlying person,” Saxon said.

Stress that you are not judging them for their illness.

Research shows stigma prevents people from seeking help for their condition, “Make sure they know that you are not disappointed in them, and that you are there to support them throughout the journey,” Monroe said.

“Stay optimistic even when relapse occurs,” he continued. “Let your loved one know that you have faith in their ability to stay sober and live a drug-free life.”

Encourage them to continue seeking treatment.

Addiction isn’t an acute issue like a cold. It takes continuous work to stay in recovery. You can support someone by “keeping up a steady message that treatment is necessary,” Saxon said.

“Addiction treatment is not a one-time fix, but rather a part of life in recovery,” Monroe said.

Include them in your own routine.

There’s power in partnership. “If you have healthy lifestyle habits in place, invite them to join you for part of your routine, whether it’s going to the gym regularly, hiking, eating well or doing yoga,” Monroe said.

Look into support for yourself.

Don’t forget that your mental health is important too. “Family members may also benefit by joining a mutual help group such as Al-Anon because the family members need support as well,” Saxon said.

Celebrate those who are speaking up about mental health issues.

Drawing conclusions about a person’s addiction or relapse, or questioning someone’s story of recovery, doesn’t do anyone any favors, Monroe said.

“Instead, allowing people to speak to their own experience can help reduce the stigma around mental health struggles,” he explained.

“It’s important for public figures like Demi Lovato to continue to talk about their experiences, good and bad,” Monroe continued. “They shine a light on the facts that substance abuse is complicated, that it touches all demographics and that relapse is not uncommon. Reducing stigma around addiction and mental health issues is extremely important in making societal changes.”

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When You Really Need A Spa Treatment But Can’t Afford One

I’m not a material girl, BUT when I am stressed or depressed, I tend to look for temporary solace in the mall. Unfortunately, wanting things to be different or wanting more stuff is the opposite of being content with what I do have. Here’s my recipe for taming my inner shopaholic and finding a spa-like serenity in my own home.

The Serenity Prayer is one of my favorite recovery tools. It explains that acceptance brings serenity. When I don’t have serenity, it’s almost always because I refuse to accept life on life’s terms. I often WANT things to be different than they are.

What Does “I Want” Mean To Me?

I desire something I don’t have.
I am lacking something I need.
Needing this something may have put me in a state of destitution or poverty.
This one missing thing may be necessary for my completeness.

Grammatically, this verb is present tense, but it delivers a future sense of satisfaction. My happiness or even wholeness is dependent and waiting on this one elusive item. I want is restless and anxious.

What Does “I Have” Mean To Me?

I own something, tangible property or an asset.
I’m part of something – a family, a team, an organization. I am in a kindred or relative position.
I’ve experienced or endured emotions like joy or pain.
I’m responsible for or to something. I have a dog, or my cat has me.

Have is “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” (Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer)

What Do I Really Want?

Another bag of white chocolate candies.
The pretty rich dark chocolate hair I had in my twenties.
Fresh, radiant, and wrinkle-free skin.
My sister-in-law to still be alive.
My broken family to be put back together.
More money in my bank account.
A full night’s sleep.

Just reading that list makes me anxious. My sister has passed; my family is broken. Wanting that to be different is a fruitless and sleepless struggle. Being up at night leads to late night infomercial watching, which leads to more wants. Not only do I want fresh, radiant skin, but I want the same rare melon serum Cindy Crawford uses on her skin, so I can have her perfect complexion and her implied perfect life.

What Do I Really Have And What Can I Do With What I Have?

Laugh lines and sun spots from many happy days at the beach.
Silver gray hairs from loving a busy little boy.
Amazing friends who stick closer than family.
A big vat of coconut oil I bought at the health food store.
A wide selection of essential oils because I can’t say “No.”

It’s time to accept that God didn’t want me to be Cindy Crawford. My sister is gone, and most families are broken. My ruddy Native American/Irish skin will never be camera ready, and codependent Pam has already spent her lifetime’s allowance on late night impulse buys. I can, however, make my own affordable beauty treatment.

Recipe For Serenity Sugar Scrub

3 Tablespoons of Coconut Oil
3 Tablespoons of Sugar
10-15 Drops of essential oils (optional)

Pour ingredients into a small air-tight container. A bowl with a lid or a mason a jar works great. Mix until combined. I used a fork because anxious Pam needs simple steps and simple tools.

Since I bought the sampler kit of oils, I added a blend of Lemon, Lavender, Frankincense, and Lime. Lemon is known for its skin brightening properties, while Lavender is very calming. Frankincense shows great promise in cell renewal.

This sugar scrub may not be life changing like comparable products featured on late night infomercials, but taking the time to care for my skin and myself is far more restorative than anything else on the market.

Did you know the 12 Steps, which have helped millions find recovery, can also help their loved ones find peace and serenity? Check out our latest book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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Who Is The Alpha Co-Dependent?

My mom and I were always fighting to see who would be the Alpha Co-Dependent. Although I wanted us to get along, I could never figure out how. In recovery I learned the real reason why we fought. We wanted to lead the same pack.

Several years ago, the Battle of Ravioli Hill commenced at dinner time. I was on one side of the dinner table, teaching my son how to eat with a fork. My mother, a formidable opponent, advanced. She made it clear: the way I was teaching my son to eat was all wrong. She demanded I use a smaller salad fork. I held my ground. A ridiculous stand-off ensued. My young son was caught in the cross-fire of a fierce battle of wills.

We Weren’t Really Fighting Over A Fork

My mom and I had long been fighting for control of different territories. I won hosting Christmas dinner, but she secured Easter. I secured the battle of mashed potatoes; she captured cooking the Thanksgiving turkey. To an innocent bystander, these squabbles seem petty at best, but there’s an unseen force working against us – codependency.

Our family had been affected by the disease of Alcohol Use Disorder. My mom learned to cope by controlling what she could. Out of fear, love, and dysfunction, she taught me to do the same. I am a co-dependent raised by a co-dependent. Over the years, our controlling nature has morphed into a twisted battle for control. Who’s the Alpha Co-dependent?

Co-Dependents Run In Packs

By its very nature, co-dependency needs at least two people. What I do depends on my mom’s opinion or feeling. She reacts to what I did, or in anticipation of what she thinks I want her to do. It’s a crippling symbiotic relationship. Even worse, my mom wasn’t the only person with whom I clashed wills. My husband, my dad, my mother-in-law, and my brother all challenged me in similar fashion. Why? Because we are all co-dependent. Co-dependents need other co-dependents to complete them. We seek them out. The cycle perpetuates. Once I had a son, I was able to stand up to some of my mom’s controlling tactics, but I didn’t really change my own habit. I just changed the battlefield. Before I realized it, I was engaging my son in the next generational battle of co-dependency.

Standing Up To The Alpha

After two years in recovery, I see my former constant state of anxiety was caused by this controlling tug of war. I learned that the only way to win is to bow out. Each pack of co-dependents can have only one leader. In my family of origin, my mom is that leader. She’s willing to yell louder and demand more than anyone else. Fighting her is fruitless. Still, for many years, I fought for dominance. For too long I refused to tuck my tail and run. Which is the only solution that works.

In recovery, I learned that there is a benefit to giving up. Bowing out of the struggle comes with an amazing parting gift – serenity. When I see my mom now, I’m still baited to fight our old fights, but I don’t take the bait.  As I heard in a meeting. “I don’t have to go to every fight I am invited to.” Now I know I can walk away. I can take a break, and I don’t have to engage just because she wants to. Without me joining in, the fight quickly dies out. My Mom may think she is the Alpha Co-Dependent. I know I am the real winner.

Did you know the 12 Steps, which have helped millions find recovery, can also help their loved ones find peace and serenity? Check out our latest book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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F*ck It

From Psychology Today:

The seduction of defiance.

The expletive leaves our lips when we are about to do something we know we shouldn’t—eat a forbidden food, grab fruit from someone else’s tree, use a bus-only lane to bypass a line of traffic, put a purchase we can’t afford on a credit card, give in to a craving that spurs an alcohol binge. We know we are crossing a line. The essence of f*ck it is our awareness of the transgression. The root word trans is active, connoting a deliberate motion toward the choice.

The line we are crossing is there for a reason. One cookie or one drink may have led to binges in the past. If many passersby took an apple, the tree’s owner would be deprived of their rightful bounty. If the bus lane became occluded with single-occupant cheaters, a system intended for all would be subverted by a few.  Building up credit card debt only leads to higher monthly payments and more suffering.

I want it. I need it. I deserve it. What we tell ourselves is the same, whether we are tossing aside a personal or a societal restriction. An in-the-moment burst of wanting prompts us to summon justifications. One cookie won’t matter. There’s plenty of apples on this tree. I’ll only be in the bus lane for a minute. I’ve been wanting this camera for a long time. One lousy glass of wine won’t make a difference. Then, if we give in and cross the line, there is a distinct thrill and relief in breaking free of restraint.

Self-control is tiring; it takes continual effort to keep denying ourselves what we want right now. There’s so much waiting involved, especially in being strategic financially. The rewards for harnessing our impulses are in the future, cerebral and somewhat theoretical. Meanwhile, we see other people doing the f*ck itmaneuver and have to fight off feeling foolish. Being sensible feels dull, even on the way to a good life that is likely to be full of rewards for prudence.

To cheat or not to cheat? To succumb to immediate desire or contribute to the common good? Urgency, being late for an appointment, can feel much more compelling than holding to the abstract idea of a bus lane. Sure, the wellbeing of the many should take precedence over the claims of the few. We may recognize that anything supporting the good of all benefits everyone, ultimately. But that empty stretch of road calls to us, and resisting the selfish impulse is tough. I am late. F*ck it.

Moral violations are, by definition, selfish and short-sighted; adherence to principles that improve life for all are generous and future-oriented. I’m staying in this clogged lane—it’s the right thing to do. Virtue can feel good as we join with others to rise above our individualistic and grasping nature. Long ago, we learned about this trade-off in kindergarten, along with the rules on sharing, turn-taking, and putting things back where you found them. Everyone knows that a free-for-all, each person grabbing for themselves, makes a big mess on both a personal and a societal level. It is a better life for everyone when we inspire each other with the fairness and optimism of being able to count on each person doing their part.

This is where the personal and societal levels come together. To oppose the force of f*ck it, we have to remain alert for those sneaky thoughts we whisper to ourselves when we get frustrated, impatient, and envious. Bitterness and resentment, especially, feed the impetus to seize what we want just because we want it, right now, instead of pausing and pondering if this is really the right time or the right way and if this is good for ourselves and others. The first moment we notice such thoughts we have to refuse them. This capacity grows as we get older, so long as we maintain our determination to master this awareness and turn it into a reflex.

Giving up on a diet, taking liberties with another’s property, violating a traffic law, piling up unresolvable debt, and relapsing with drugs and alcohol each begin with the seduction of defiance. We throw off restraint in exchange for later pain, trying artfully at the time to avoid reckoning with the consequences. The more we push back against these impulses at their inception, the better we get at resisting their power over us. If other people have disappointed us in the past, we find that we can choose to enact our own trustworthy conduct and thus increase the likelihood of receiving the same from others. We can hold onto the kind of life we are enhancing with intention, visualizing it vividly and believing in it ardently.

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Celebrity Relapse and Recovery

Celebrity relapse. Every time it happens, the media goes crazy. Want to know the #truth about fame, substance use and recovery? Fame sucks unless you’re happy, healthy and surrounded by people who love you and want to make sure you are safe when you get there. This isn’t the case with most celebs. People don’t always act in their best interest.

Celebrity Relapse Is Judging Time

I had the briefest taste of D level fame once and you know what? The crash from the spotlight was worse than any drug crash I’d ever experienced. Let’s face it, the media loves you when you are up only to demolish and humiliate you when you are down, or having a relapse. We see it every day, so don’t think for a minute that wealth, fame, or huge success will make you happy if you’re not happy already. You will be just as unhappy when you get those things as you are now, but it’ll be worse because you won’t understand why you have those things and they don’t fulfill your fantasy. And then there’s the issue of people judging your every move. Whose ego is strong enough to shake that off?

Missing Human Connection Leads To Relapse

Often, the more success, money, and fame someone achieves, the more isolated they become. You have to protect yourself more when you’re in the public eye, you can’t just walk into any meeting and expect anonymity. Suddenly what people think of you is all that matters but you have less and less human connection. And, if you don’t have close connections with people you trust then you’re always worried if the people around you really care about you. All of sudden you’re alone in a hotel room separated from the world communicating through social media, or worse, staring at your social media looking for approval from people who don’t matter.

Celebrity Relapse Means Coming Back In Public

Relapse is a big part of my story because I lived in it for a long time. Things have gotten easier with age, which is why it’s important to pass this message along.

Keep coming back because it does get better and it does get easier. You just have to find that gritty place inside and dig your heels in.

I had this brilliant shrink at one point who used to tell me to tap into that place I used to go when I was a teenager. That place of rage. Feel it and use it to strengthen your foundation. Trust me, if you can implement rage correctly, it’s a very useful tool. But I digress…

Yes, we should all have good relapse prevention tools, but we should also be realistic about what we want and how we’re trying to get it. So, here’s my reality check.

Work on yourself and your insides while you’re building your career because you have to be solid when you get to success if you want it to last.
If you think fame or fortune will fix you, it won’t. So, know that going in and seek it for the right reasons.
Be very careful who you let manage your life and your career. Not everyone has your health and happiness as a priority. If you’re not able to make the right choice for yourself be damn sure you have someone working for you who will make the right choice, even if that means stopping a multi-million dollar tour.

If you’re someone who wants to have a long-lasting, sustaining career it’s crucial to create a solid foundation of health and wellness going into it.

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Will Money Make You Happy?

From Psychology Today by Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.

Are you working hard to earn a fat salary, but still feel that you’re not able to enjoy the kind of lifestyle that the “truly rich” enjoy? While it seems that there’s a new public shaming of a high-flying status star each week, our desire to be as wealthy as a Kennedy or a Getty doesn’t seem to wane. We equate money with happiness, even though a lot of famous and wealthy public figures are experiencing relational and well-being crisis events that we used to associate with people who made up the lower stratus in the earnings category. We’ve come to realize, though, that domestic violence, drug addiction, drunk driving, and physical altercations don’t discriminate against the “rich and famous,” yet many people still assume that money will buy them happiness and immunity from the worries that they have in the less affluent status they currently carry.

Are you a HENRY? (High Earner, Not Rich Yet)

As a country, it seems that we love to create names for groups of people – whether the name is based on birth year or parenthood status or income. You may be a Baby Boomer or a Gen X’er. You may be a DINK (dual income, no kids) or on the “mommy track.” Well, one of the newest pet names developed is for the HENRYs – you know, those people (maybe you and your friends) who are already High Earners, but, unfortunately, Not Rich Yet. Unfortunately, high salaries no longer guarantee fat bank accounts. According to Equifax, HENRYs are folks who are under age 55, earn over $100,000 a year, but whose investable assets are less than $1 million. That’s the broadest definition, while others tend to focus on the younger high earners.

Once upon a time, a high income carried a lot of power along with it – back before the economic world shifted and production of luxury goods became such a booming industry that encouraged higher debt loads in order to acquire the symbols of status that we felt we deserved, but were not quite flush enough yet to purchase outright.

Once upon a time, well-paid professionals lived in nice houses in nice neighborhoods, drove nice cars, and played golf at the club. Their lives, though, weren’t so drastically different than their less affluent neighbors or clients. Today, there exists a new level of “income achievement” as we’ve seen technology and creativity fuel the development of start-ups and entrepreneurships that land even business moguls in their teenage years into the upper income brackets in record time.

Getting financially ahead isn’t easy when status living is expected by your social network. When kids come out of college and are earning a brand new salary within spitting distance of $100K, a lot of people would imagine that the kids were overpaid and certainly able to start building healthy nest eggs. That’s because a lot of us don’t realize just how high some people’s student loans actually might be. And the ridiculous cost of apartment rent or housing in the cities where those fat salaries are often being paid can be a huge toll on disposable incomes as can the property taxes and income taxes that come with homes in nice neighborhoods and salaries in the nice bracket.

Does Money Buy Happiness?

Researchers often present diverse findings related to the connection between income and happiness. It’s not so much the level of income that directly determines your level of happiness, but rather the ways in which you are able to direct your income to purposes that are likely to bring you happiness and satisfaction. This means that it is the ability to afford the things that bring personal satisfaction that really matters. These “things” may, indeed, be “things,” but they may also include the ability to afford experiential purchases (vacations, green fees, surf lessons, whatever appeals to you), payment for services (lawn care, house cleaning, etc.) to provide you with more time to do what you prefer to do with your time, or even to engage in meaningful philanthropy.

Many people who earn less than the $100K marker actually feel “rich,” even though they are not exactly “high earners.” Dollars have a specific determined value in the economic world, but the emotional or practical desire for more of this commodity varies greatly across individuals.

Being “Well-Off” Doesn’t Mean “Wealthy” for Everyone

The highly visible conspicuous consumption of luxury lifestyles has been made so much more visible than in generations past. This can create a sense of entitlement and anger at the injustices in the world for those whose monthly salary wouldn’t buy a bottle of the champers that is being drunk like it was water (from the tap, not Kona Nigari Water, which costs around $400 a bottle).

Unfortunately, when we see what others have, it can make us want the same type of life because we falsely assume that the rich person’s life is qualitatively better than our own. We forget about the fact that having a wad of cash at the ready doesn’t mean that you’ll attract a more adoring partner or enjoy better friendships than you would in your “real life.” We forget that no matter how nice the mattress that you’re sleeping on or where that mattress is located, that you’ll still be facing your same self in the mirror in the morning. Money doesn’t change the texture of our identity, only the external circumstances, which never really matter in the “skinny” of life.

Money can’t protect you from illness, although it can increase your access to medical resources and treatments that are beyond the purse of the poor. However, money can also increase your ability to explore some vices that might raise chances of some pretty significant health issues.

Money won’t make you like yourself any more than you do if you’re poor – we are going to be who we are regardless of what we earn. And the friends that money buys are not the type of friends that are there because they like you – they’re often there because of what you earn not what you bring to the relationship.

It’s a consistent finding that the only lifelong predictor of life satisfaction is having a strong support network. Having tons of money is great if you have strong social connections that are built on intangible and mutual affection with others. Scraping by from paycheck to paycheck may be your lot, but if you’re surrounded by people who think a lot of you and whose company you enjoy – friends or family, you’re going to be able to enjoy a strong level of life satisfaction, even if your purse is empty.

So, if you’re a HENRY who is bringing in the big bucks, but seeing those dollars fly out of your paycheck before they even hit the bank, don’t assume that you’ve got to amp up the cash to find the joy that you’d expected to find when the big salary was secured. Recognize that happiness comes from being able to spend time with the people you enjoy, more so than owning the things you crave or doing the things that are still a little beyond your financial reach.

How to Be Happy If You’re Rich or Poor

Find your tribe, find your mate and “care for” and “care about” them all: Having people in your life makes the true difference in how much you’ll enjoy the daily grind of life.
Relish the quest; don’t focus on the just the prize: Seriously, the saying that “anticipation is half the fun” is a truth. Humans are designed by nature to master challenges and engage in problem-solving behaviors. Once you have amassed all of the “prizes” or “toys” you’ve desired, there’s little joy that the stack of stuff will provide once you own it. We need to continue to generate and refine our goals – and take time to appreciate the period before achieving them as much as we appreciate the satisfaction of the hunt completed.
Measure your happiness by the satisfaction you feel at the end of the day when you put your head down to sleep: Don’t get strung out on external markers that others try to convince you are the measures of success.
Take care of your health: Practice health-promoting behaviors and avoid the activities and substances that contribute to illness and disease. Get enough exercise, make healthy food choices, and don’t invite or enable addictions to any substance or behavior.

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Parenting Teen Gender Dysphoria

Since gender dysphoria can lead to many problems including increased risk for substance use, parents need to know what it is and how to deal with it. There is significant controversy regarding children and teens who experience gender dysphoria. Some researchers believe that children are able to define their gender for themselves while others believe that they are too young to do so. Regardless of when children and teens experience gender dysphoria, parents  teachers and counselors need to be aware of healthy strategies to deal with it.

Children tend to understand their gender and sexual identities around age four, though these identities may change throughout their lifetimes. While some children with gender dysphoria grow into adults  who are 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual, many are more fluid.  Similarly, we are finding more kids who are fluid in their gender identity which also may change throughout a lifetime.

Brain Development Matters in Treating Gender Dyphoria

The American College of Pediatricians relates that 80-95% of children with gender dysphoria will “accept the reality of their biological sex by late adolescence.” Further, it states that giving children hormones or doing sexual reassignment surgery may be regarded as child abuse because children’s brain are not developed enough to make these decisions.

The DSM-5, the manual of mental health issues, relates guidelines for gender dysphoria in children and also in adults and teens. It’s important for parents to understand whether their child or teen meets the guidelines. Get help from a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria and work with that therapist regarding the diagnosis. Having someone for your child, and perhaps, the family, to discuss issues is very important and validating for all.

Parenting Tips for Gender Dysphoria

So what are you to do? You can be a support without allowing major decisions to be made for the child/teen until he/she/they are an adult and can make their own decision. The best things to do include:

Acknowledge their preferences regarding their gender status
Use the pronouns that they wish to have used
Call them by their preferred names (many will change their names to fit their gender identity)
Allow them to dress as they wish (just like your other kids)
Ask others to support the child in the same way
Work with the school system regarding the gender concerns
Support them in choosing the bathroom of their choice at school and in public
Continually support them for all that they are
Don’t focus on gender identity – you don’t do that for your other children so why would you do this for your gender fluid child
Set boundaries regarding what you will and will not support regarding the gender concerns (i.e., such as not being willing to have them start HRT)
Meet with a physician specialist regarding gender issues
Meet with a therapist who specializes in gender issues
Explore how you feel about having a gender-variant child

Be Aware That Gender Status is Flexible

While you examine your own feelings and acceptance of your gender-variant child, you must also be aware that their gender status is flexible at this young age. It may well change as the child ages. However, there is a percentage of these kids who truly are transgender and continuing education and relating to the child about this is what needs to take place. Be a support; be an ally; listen; but also be smart about your interactions and your own education.

 

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Baby Steps For Setting Boundaries

It’s often said: the only people who get upset about your boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any.

My Experience Of Boundaries

Before I got sober, and for the first few years of recovery, I let my family, bosses, and friends walk all over the limited boundaries I had. Because there was no line between their life and mine, they wouldn’t think twice about running my life. I’d say that I don’t want to talk about a particular subject.  They’d continue to talk about that topic, justifying their actions by telling me that my boundary is abnormal. I’ve been mocked for the boundaries I’ve set, and I’ve had phone calls from people to tell me their opinion on a conversation I’d had, even though they weren’t involved in that situation. And when I’ve raised the inappropriateness of those actions, it is me who has been called crazy!

My romantic relationships weren’t much better. My self-respect and self-esteem was so low that I’d pretty much let that person do whatever or say whatever they liked, in fear of them dumping me. No became yes, and I forever let the feelings and state of mind of others determine my happiness. I’d let them show up at 11.30 pm and wake me up because I was desperate for attention—but I’d never get their Saturday night spot. I’ve had partners show up having been drinking and driving despite my asking them not to.

Both in my familial and romantic relationships I would rarely speak up about their violating my boundaries in fear of being punished in some way, like:

Being mocked about it for years to come
Being ignored and cut-off, or, even worse
Experiencing someone’s dislike for me in their moody and child-like behavior toward me

After a few years in recovery, I realized that my approval-seeking validated me, and it also invited these kinds of boundary violations.  I also began to see that my upbringing in a dysfunctional family explained why I lacked the ability to set boundaries—or even comprehend what they were—and form healthy bonds with others. If I wanted to develop a sense of self, I had to start setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them.

What Is A Boundary?

A boundary is simply the space where you end and the other person begins. Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates. They identify safe, reasonable, and permissible ways for others to behave. When setting boundaries, you can also say how you will respond when someone breaches those limits.

Learning to effectively set and adhere to boundaries can be a challenging process, especially if you place such value on the feelings and validation of others. But if you want to continue to recover, and have happy, fulfilling relationships, you will inevitably have to face this challenge.

Setting boundaries has been the most freeing experience in my recovery. Learning that I could choose who I wanted to spend time with, that I could decide what I did and didn’t want to talk about, allowed me to be free from unhealthy relationships and to stand on my own two feet.

Once I realized that my happiness was not defined by the mood or approval of another person, I only truly developed a sense of self. I no longer needed to take on the responsibility of making someone happy. Nor did I need to feel like their state of mind was my fault. Initially setting a boundary was very uncomfortable, I soon began to feel empowered.

Often, I’ve been met with confusion or upset—especially with people who have had the benefit of my having no boundaries—but I try to compassionately tell them that these are my wishes. If they choose not to respect them, I can choose to no longer participate in that relationship, or limit my time with them. Most importantly though, I remind myself that these are my wishes that I am respecting that my happiness and my well-being comes first.

Did you know the 12 Steps, which have helped millions find recovery, can also help you find peace and serenity? Check out our latest book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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