Leslie Glass's Blog, page 296

How Tidying Up Tamed My Anxiety

From Keri WigintonSpecial @ The Chicago Tribune: When I unpack in a hotel room, it goes from clean to chaos in under a minute. My husband affectionately refers to me as a tornado. He can also accurately assess my mental state based on how disorganized my office is.

Living in a messy space takes a notable toll on my mental well-being, and if you struggle with anxiety – or even if you don’t – your clutter is bad for your mental health, too.

“Like our minds, so goes our environment,” said Judson Brewer, a psychiatrist who studies mindfulness and behavior change.

The KonMari craze of tidying up is just as much about taming our latent anxiety as it is about taming our stuff. Marie Kondo’s “sparking joy” concept of keeping only things that make us happy resonates so widely because it can actually lift a mental load – one many of us never knew we had.

People are giddy to get rid of clutter anxiety because they’ve been clinging to it for years – decades! – often subconsciously. As we collectively tidy and exhale, thrift stores across the country are awash in our extra stuff.

Brewer said the mind reacts well to an orderly environment because our brains thrive on being able to quickly scan and gauge our surroundings. “Our brains are set up to predict the future,” he said.

A space that is messy barrages us with unnecessary stimulation, triggering undercurrents of tension. It’s like an overstuffed “inbox” that we’re staring at but pretend to ignore. Studies show people who live in a cluttered environment are more likely to procrastinate and have a harder time sleeping.

The longer the disorganization is there, the more unmanageable it seems, and the more it weighs on our psyche.

“It can make our minds feel cluttered and closed down,” said Brewer.

And let’s be honest: It’s embarrassing to have a messy living space. It made me feel guilty.

As someone prone to anxiety and depression, I didn’t realize how much the clutter aggravated my mood until it was gone. This is true whether I was in my apartment or away from it.

Why? When our environment is unkempt, anxiety can bleed into other parts of our lives, making us feel badly about ourselves. Researchers have known for years that being around clutter can raise stress levels, especially among women – who can find it difficult to manage and organize their family’s possessions.

Inger Burnett-Zeigler, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, said a disorganized environment is a constant visual reminder of things left undone. It can make people feel “like they’re overwhelmed, and their life is out of control and in chaos.”

On the flip side, studies show that women who see their homes as restorative feel less depressed throughout the day. Having order and simplicity in your space can free up your mind.

“You’re opening yourself up to new possibilities that may have been overwhelmed by the physical clutter,” said Burnett-Zeigler.

When we hide that pile of clothes in the closet or fill our homes with stuff we don’t need, we take away space for things that might bring us meaning and yes, spark joy.

Here’s what happened when I cleaned up and calmed down.

When I married an orderly minimalist, I hoped I could absorb his structured tendencies. But five years into our marriage, I was still leaving a trail of clutter behind me. Notebooks, kitchen towels and water glasses would appear all over the apartment; something I didn’t notice until my husband went on vacation and stopped putting them away for me. I felt like I was constantly picking up after myself, yet nothing ever stayed organized. My inability to keep an immaculate home – despite my best efforts – made my chronic anxiety worse.

Brewer, who serves as director of research and innovation at the Brown University Mindfulness Center, explained why the mess grated my nerves. “Anxiety and stress have these habit loops,” said Brewer. “Just having visual stimuli around that are triggering can lead to those loops getting perpetuated.”

I didn’t know why I was so messy or how to fix it. But in 2015 – before Netflix brought the KonMari concept to millions – I picked up Kondo’s book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.” It gave me the tools to KonMari my home. Her book guided me as I figured out what to get rid of, what to keep and how to organize it all.

When I was done, I felt a peace of mind I’d desperately been lacking. I wasn’t spending time on ineffective cleaning sessions.

“Messiness can consume mental energy and physical energy,” said Burnett-Zeigler. “By getting rid of that, we can open ourselves up to spending time in different ways. And that can be a really powerful transition.”

The KonMari method of folding is brilliant for people who don’t know how to organize items such as tops, underwear and pajamas. They get folded into tight little rectangles. It’s sort of like if you put books in a drawer, spine side up. Socks and scarves get rolled. It saves space while making each item adorably visible.

On the rare occasion that my drawers become messy, they make me feel sort of angry when I look in them. But when I see everything all at once in a neatly organized bundle, I feel calm and orderly. I was surprised at how refreshing it was.

One of the best ways to avoid stressing about cleaning is to give everything a home. This simple idea was a turning point for me. When I do slip up and forget to put something back – my headphones should go in a specific pouch, not my pockets – there’s a notable rise in anxiety trying to find it.

Books are sacred to a lot of people, and Kondo faced a lot of bibliophile backlash when it came to the prospect of culling their inventory.

While some people might get joy simply from being surrounded by books, I live in a small apartment where I have space for only one bookshelf. Yet I had three in my bedroom. And the unread pages were judging me. I took Kondo’s advice and kept the ones that sparked joy and sold or donated the rest. If I ever want to read “Catcher in the Rye” again, I can check it out free. I realized I love reading more than I love keeping books, so my library card gets a lot more use.

It’s been four years, and I’m KonMari for life. Mostly.

I don’t live by all of Kondo’s rules; I don’t greet my home every day or thank my belongings for their service. She also recommends keeping 30 books, but my shelves are filled with about 250. I’ve used the parts of her process that work for me. Some people don’t need a method to stay tidy. I am not one of those people.

While I can fall back into my old patterns quicker than I’d like, I’d say I’m living 70 percent clutter-free. But the fact that I can occupy a space that isn’t always in disarray means I am calmer and more at peace both in and away from home. My apartment is now a place to relax, not a place of unfinished tasks. So I thank Marie Kondo for helping me figure out my brain thrives on order. Even in the sock drawer.

The post How Tidying Up Tamed My Anxiety appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

How I Confronted My Most Painful Childhood Memory

From Sean Hotchkiss @ Men’s Health: I was ten years old when I experienced a childhood trauma that would last for years. It was 1993. And I’d recently entered middle school in southern Maine. One afternoon I left Spanish class to pee. I entered one of the stalls in the men’s bathroom, dropped my shorts to my ankles, and relieved myself.

What happened next is hazy. What I can recall is that I became preoccupied with something on or around my privates—so preoccupied that, without noticing, I backed away from the toilet and out of the stall. I stood by the sink taking a closer look.

My shorts were still around my shoes when I heard the metal door slam. Standing in front of me was the toughest eighth-grade boy in school. Brandon [name has been changed] was a football star, handsome, and popular. And now he was incredulous.

“What the f— are you doing?!”

I froze.

“Are you some kind of f—–t?”

Flight kicked in. I gathered up my shorts and ran. Back in Spanish class, I slid down in my seat and closed my eyes. No. I wished the entire experience away.

After that day in the bathroom with Brandon, I disappeared. I stayed away from the lunchroom, cut out as soon as classes finished. My grades dived. I came to know that particular prepubescent agony of wondering where I fit in. I was sure I liked girls, but the homophobia that existed among boys in blue-collar Maine was so vicious that news of my pantlessness would mean danger, and I had convinced myself it was only a matter of time before Brandon told the entire school I was gay.

By age 11, I began wearing T-shirts to the swimming pool, covering my body. For years, I hid my face beneath a low baseball cap. Puberty finally hit, bringing brutal bouts of acne with it. Years later, still struggling with my identity, I escaped into drugs. When I finally got sober in 2017, I was confronted for the first time with the vast, shadowy realm of all the parts of me I’d suppressed. Was that sole incident with Brandon to blame for all my years of childhood pain? No. But it was the day I learned that I would have to hide.

I tried every trick that could help me dig through my basement of hidden memories. I had my head shrunk by Freudian psychoanalysts in New York, I had my soul retrieved by a Topanga Canyon shaman, and along the way I learned something transformative: Every time I worked up the courage to reveal a shameful memory, it lost its power—often instantly.

Adults understand that crappy childhood experiences are as common as chicken pox. But kids don’t. By uncovering all the parts of ourselves we’ve hidden, we soothe the awkward sixth-grader in us who was sure his brand of torture was unique.

One afternoon during a breathing exercise with my therapist in Beverly Hills, I remembered Brandon. I couldn’t believe how long I’d repressed the memory, or how strongly the feelings came back. I felt my whole body go rigid. Hesitantly, I revealed to my doc what had happened that day in the bathroom, and the way the shame had haunted me in the years following.

I went home and Googled Brandon’s name, and a Facebook page came up. Had to be him. I kept searching and found his email address. I typed an email: I was a classmate of his from middle school. I had a memory I wanted to corroborate with him, and would he be willing to talk?

Two hours later, a text arrived: It’s Brandon reaching out to you.

I felt a familiar clenching in my chest.

I pulled off the highway and sucked in deep breaths. I thought I might hyperventilate. In all my fantasies of how this might go down, I’d never gotten to the part where I would actually have to speak to him.

I spent two hours crafting the perfect text message. That evening, I finally mustered the courage to hit send. Less than five seconds after the text landed, Brandon called. Startled, I picked up.

“Yo.”

It was the same deep voice that’d been replaying in my brain for months.

“Hey, Brandon,” I said. “Thanks for—“

“What’s up?” he asked. Cool, aloof. “Refresh my memory.”

When I finished telling my story, he paused for what felt like an hour.

“I came from home economics,” he said, in what sounded like disbelief. “I came into the bathroom and, yeah, there you were, with your pants down. I was scared. I thought, Jesus, this kid is flashing me! I didn’t know what to do!”

I laughed. He laughed.

“I told the kid who sat next to me in home ec about it,” he said. “But I never spoke or thought about it again.”

Then he asked, “Was I mean?”

When I explained to him what he’d said, his voice dropped. “Man,” he said. “That was wrong.”

Then he asked, “Why were you in therapy?”

I told him about my struggle with addiction.

“No kidding,” he said. “I’ve been there too.”

With the tension defused, and a bond cemented, we laughed like co-conspirators, like brothers. We laughed and laughed.

“Look me up next time you’re in Maine,” he said when we finished. “I’m so glad you called.” I thanked him and hung up the phone, triumphant. It was a feeling better than any buzz, any high.

What happens the day after you face something that’s been haunting you for a quarter century? You wake up at 4:00 a.m., electrified. The most shameful moment of my life resolved. The most epic fear reduced to laughter. Had it really happened? In the weeks and months that followed that phone call, my life was transformed. I smiled more. I obsessed less. Hours I’d spent scrutinizing my skin and body in the mirror were alchemized into time I spent out in the world, lighter, freer. Relationships with the older men in my life—even the tough, macho types I realized I’d always projected Brandon onto—became easier. I experienced the world less as a scared boy and more as an upright man.

In recovery I’ve learned the places within ourselves we dread going are the places we must go. And sometimes we find something we could never expect.

A story, a narrative I’d held on to for years turned out to be just another experience shared by someone who saw it from a different angle. His explanation of that set me free. As Brandon said, “I can’t believe that day haunted you for all this time, and I never thought about it again.”

The post How I Confronted My Most Painful Childhood Memory appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Child Of Alcoholic Seeks Loving Father Figure

My father wasn’t the trustworthy Dad I longed for and it affected me for years. Although he did love me, it was almost always from afar, where he was safe enough to not get attached to me. When he did get close, I was often the one who got hurt.

When I was a kid, riding bikes was the one activity my Dad and I enjoyed together. We’d often race to see who was faster. One Saturday when I was 12, my dad and I were racing down remote country road, a few miles from home. For the first time ever, I pulled ahead. My lead grew and I peddled harder. My Dad was so far back that I could no longer hear him peddling behind me. When I turned around to celebrate my victory, I was all alone. As a joke, my Dad had silently turned around and rode home.

I was terrified and cried all the way home. I was afraid to be that far away from home all alone, but I was more afraid of making my Dad upset. After I pulled myself together, I went into the house and pretended like nothing happened. This bike riding prank wasn’t an isolated incident.

A few months after that, my Dad offered to teach me how to swim. It was our first family vacation in years. I was so excited to spend quality time with my dad. He took me out to the pool. Instead of jumping in with me or explaining anything, he pushed me into the deep end. When I emerged screaming, he yelled, “Swim!” On my way back under, I swallowed a lot of water. Finally, my Dad jumped in to save me. He pulled me to the side where I cried so hard, I threw up. Then he yelled at me for embarrassing him.

These two incidents summed up our whole relationship. At the time, I didn’t know he struggled with alcoholism or mental health issues. I just knew I couldn’t trust my Dad.

Recovery Gives A New “Father”

Recovery gives me a new family of father and mother figures, sisters and brothers. Nate is a perfect example of this. At my first Al-Anon meeting, I was greeted by Nate. Nate is one of our group’s infamous “Old-timers,” who has made it his mission to greet newcomers. He took me under his wing. Nate invited me to go breakfast after the meeting with the other old-timers. He made sure I knew how to get to the restaurant. When we got there, he introduced me to the other people at the table. Every time I see Nate, he greets me with a smile. I know I can trust Nate.

Unexpected Progress

In recovery, I learn to accept people and situations for what they are. Before recovery, my Dad was a major force in my life. That’s how co-dependency works. I depended on him and other unhealthy relationships as my sole source of love and validation. As I became more independent, I forged healthy relationships. I no longer depend on my Dad as my only source of emotional support. This surprising benefit lets me look back without so much animosity. It lets me see that my Dad does love me, but he is a hurt person. Without expectations, I’m able to accept him for who he is.

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13 Ways To Tame Chaos & Clutter

We live within a culture of chaos. A 24 hour news cycle flashes before us. Multi-tasking means epic to-do lists with fragments of completion time. We’re simultaneously running here, posting there, and making plans on how to be over there. If there is substance use in the picture, then it’s even more chaotic.

Because of so many moving parts and trouble around every corner, many of us have developed a chaos habit. Everyday events like relationships, kids, family, work, leisure and education overload us with too much of everything. We can’t see a way out.

How Can We Move From Surviving To Thriving?

We must learn to use the chaos for good. Out of chaos comes creativity, if you you shift the balance. Chaos, with its energizing factors, can be wrestled into healing. And this is especially important where other people with unhealthy habits bring even more chaos to your world. Here are thirteen ways thrive in spite of a chaos habit.

1. Accept To The Chaos

This simply means recognizing that your life is out-of-control and the first steps are to acknowledge, surrender, and accept that things need to change. By letting go of the baggage of thinking you are overwhelmed, this allows you to realize that there are ways to cope and to keep things in perspective.

2. Recognize The Chaotic Pattern

Chaos is nothing but energy that has gone amuck. Recognize the chaotic patterns in your life and where these patterns are the worst. Are you watching too much news, being nothing but a chauffeur to your kids, fighting with your partner, or are you overwhelmed with work stress? Is someone’s substance use a secret that you have to deal with every day?

3. Use Your Chaos Habit In A Positive Manner

Everything is energy and it is how you respond to the energy makes a difference. When you begin to utilize this chaotic energy in a positive manner, you take it out of the realm of dysfunction into health.

4. Act, Don’t React

When you react to people and situations, negative reactions can steal your energy. Instead, when you act, you come from your own power. For example, your teenage daughter is angry and yelling at you for not allowing her to attend a party. Or you suspect she may be using drugs? If you engage by reacting with your own anger and yelling, the situation continues to escalate. But if you act out of power by responding calmly and rationally, then the situation becomes calmer, or at least, you are calm within the chaos.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

Yes means yes and no means no. If you constantly give in, then you are acting out of chaos instead of power.

6. Make A List Of The Things You Do And Prioritize Them

Organize, organize, and organize. Then follow through with the organization. Can you do less of the stressful activities?

7. If Possible, Shut Down For Awhile

Turn off the TV, stay off the computer, and give yourself some free time. If substance use is the issue, see a therapist or psychologist or try Al-anon.

8. Rely On Others For Help

If there is a special situation that has created more chaos, such as a death of a loved one, make sure you rely on others for help. While you can lean on others, you must be sure to not wear them out, so you need to be careful regarding asking for too much help.

9. Get Support

Also, you can rely on others such as attending 12-step meetings, support groups, and going to counseling.

10. Make Sure You’re Doing The 4 Basics Of Health

Put these four things first: eating, sleeping, exercising, and hygiene, EVERY day. These basics significantly help towards feeling better. After those needs have been filled, do healthy activities that you enjoy:

Read
Go jogging
Take  meditative walk
Go to the movies
Go out to dinner with friends
Participate in yoga groups or do yoga alone
Do puzzles
Go to a nature preserve
Meditate
Journal
Participate in religious/spiritual activities.

12. Focus On Gratitude

Make a gratitude sandwich.  In the morning and at night, make a daily list of what you’re grateful for and remember them throughout the day.

13. Laugh And Have Fun

Instead of getting overwhelmed, look at your life and laugh. You are the only one who can turn it around – from chaos to fun.

Also, let’s explore a technique developed by holistic practitioner and author, Caroline Myss. She tells us to give ourselves $100 worth of energy at the beginning of the day. Then, throughout the day, add and subtract to such energy, with the goal of having at least $100 of energy left by bedtime. This wonderful activity helps to see where the positive energy is coming from such as from healthy people and activities in life, and where the energy may get sucked away. Do this for a week; it’s amazing at how helpful this is.

In summary, chaos can be your friend. Embrace the energy and channel it into healthy ways. Energy is energy. How it’s used is up to you.

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Detachment Redirects Hope

When I was young, I was full of hope. I hoped for a large loving family with happy gatherings and swarms of adoring children, nieces, and nephews. Basically, picture the end (not the messy middle) of any Hallmark movie. Of course, my life stalled in the messy middle, but here’s how detachment lets me redirect my hopes.

Hope Deferred

When hope is used as a verb, it means…

“To look forward with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust.” – dictinary.com

Proverbs tells us, “Hope deferred makes a heart sick,”  and my life was a walking billboard to prove it. I wanted a family to love me so badly that I blindly attached my hopes for happiness to anyone in my life. When that sibling got sober, I’d finally have the family life I longed for. Or, I’d finally have joy when this parent was proud of me. The worst was: when I have kids, I’ll finally have somebody to love.

Those hopes were only half of the problem. I put my life on hold waiting for all of those things to happen. I ended up struggling with infertility for seven years and agonizing over my sibling’s addiction for 17 more years. Deeply depressed, I was merely living until I died. My heart was truly sick. I had no hope.

Full-filled Hopes Didn’t Help Either

Finally, after years of waiting for a baby, my husband and I adopted a beautiful little boy. He was nothing short of a miracle. Our first year as a family was fairy-tale worthy, but then he turned two. Children are difficult and life is challenging. Yet, I kept pinning my hopes to a child. I’ll be happy when he gets potty trained, or when he quits biting me, etc.

That’s the essence of co-dependency. My happiness, my peace, my fun depended on a toddler! And I was completely blind to see that this was a recipe for disappointment.

Don’t Pin Your Hopes On A Teenager

Now my beautiful boy is a handsome, snarky teenager. I hoped we would be that one family who sailed through adolescence unscathed. We are not. Yesterday, my charming son went behind my back to do something I specifically said “NO!!!!!!!” to. He lied, connived, and manipulated into getting his very dangerous way. I shook with anger.

Detachment Isn’t An Unleashing Anger

In a state of disillusion, I retreated to my bedroom. I stretched out on my yoga mat, reflecting on this betrayal and other events of my day. Except for this one “catastrophe”, my day was lovely. It started with a time for quiet meditation. My Higher Power and I crushed our to-do list, and I had tons of serenity. So, I asked myself, “Did I really want to write-off the whole day as miserable because of one incident?”

Then I reminded myself: I will never be able to control this child. He will grow up and make thousands of choices I won’t agree with. Do I really want to attach my serenity to him? Or do I want to quit loving him because he didn’t do what I wanted? Absolutely not. This is an unfair expectation to place on any human, let alone my child.

I decided to unhitch my hopes from my son’s actions. I was still angry and had to process my emotions. He still faced a consequence for his deception, but I was able to wait until I had calmed down. Detachment isn’t dismissing or denying the offense. It only allows me to disconnect, so I can remain safe and independently in tact.

Detachment Redefines Hope

Today, my hope doesn’t come from any other human, especially teenagers or those suffering from the disease of addiction. My hope, my trust in is my Higher Power, who will help me be OK in all of the crappy circumstances life throws at me. Truly – this isn’t just a platitude. Since I’ve been in recovery, my Higher Power helped me through big crises like the death of my sister-in-law and financial ruin and little crises like setting boundaries and saying “NO!”

My Higher Power is the one true constant in my life. Hoping in anything human, including myself physically makes my heart and body sick. I can’t avoid all of the things I “hope” won’t happen, but with my Higher Power, I can have serenity, and that’s always better than my human hopes.

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50% Of US Kids With Mental Illness Don’t Get Treatment

From Dr. Edith Bracho-Sanchez @ CNN: Half of children with a mental health condition in the United States go without treatment, according to a study published Monday in the journal JAMA Pediatrics.

The researchers analyzed data from the 2016 National Survey of Children’s Health, a nationwide survey administered to parents of children and teens. Of the 46.6 million children ages 6 through 18 whose parents completed the survey, 7.7 million had at least one mental health condition — such as depression, anxiety or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder — and only half received treatment or counseling from a mental health provider in the 12 months prior to the survey.

The number of children with a mental health condition varied widely from state to state. In Hawaii, for example, 7.6% of children had one of the conditions, compared with 27.2% in Maine. The number of children with a diagnosed mental health condition who weren’t treated by a provider also ranged widely, from 29.5% in the District of Columbia to 72.2% in North Carolina.

Mark Peterson, associate professor at University of Michigan Medicine and senior author of the study, has a long history of studying health conditions that start in childhood and result in disabilities later on in life.

“Historically, I’ve studied everything from the neck down,” he said. Peterson said he has recently taken a step back to think about conditions that affect children from an early age in a more comprehensive way, which led him to study mental health. He didn’t expect to find such high numbers.

But child and adolescent psychiatrists and psychologists weren’t at all surprised by the results.

“Unfortunately, this is not news for us,” said Dr. Barbara Robles-Ramamurthy, child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Long School of Medicine at UT Health San Antonio, who was not involved in the study.

“We have known that the number of children who have mental illness and that go untreated is very high,” she added.

There are a number of difficulties and challenges for children and their families when it comes to accessing mental health services, explained Jennifer Mautone, psychologist in the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

Families Are Concerned About Stigma And Coverage

Within some families and communities, mental illness is still seen in a negative light, Robles-Ramamurthy explained.

“We have just over the last couple of decades started to really work on destigmatizing mental illness,” she said.

As a result, many times families and youth don’t feel comfortable accessing mental health services, Mautone added. The next big issue is insurance coverage, Robles-Ramamurthy said.

“There is a wide variability on what is covered, how much is covered, and people are concerned. Mental health treatment is not usually a once-every-couple-months type of environment,” she said. “For families struggling to make ends meet, the expenses can pose a real challenge.”

Even in states with appropriate provisions for families seeking mental health treatment, there may not be enough qualified providers.

There’s A Severe Shortage Of Mental Health Providers

According to data from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, the majority of the country faces a severe shortage of practicing child and adolescent psychiatrists, with fewer than 17 providers available per 100,000 children.

This means many families face long wait times, which can in turn lead to worsening of the underlying mental health condition in the child and an eventual need for more treatment sessions than if the condition had been addressed in its early stages, Mautone explained.

The available qualified providers face another challenge: communicating with other systems caring for children.

There are many systems in this country aimed at caring for children, Robles-Ramamurthy said, including the education system, the health care system, the juvenile justice system and the child welfare system.

“All of these systems that are supposed to be caring for children often times are not talking to each other,” she said. “A lot of times kids fall through the cracks and families are not getting the appropriate support they need,” she added.

The Way Forward

In an attempt to provide timely mental health services for kids, many pediatric health systems have started to integrate these services into pediatricians’ offices.

By embedding themselves with pediatricians, mental health providers build on the existing trust and are able to reach families in a familiar environment, said Mautone, who leads one such program: the Healthy Minds, Healthy Kids Initiative at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

“We are readily available, many times the same day, to explain our service, meet the family and begin to understand what the challenges are,” she added.

The program has served more than 2,500 patients in the last two years and continues to expand. Robles-Ramamurthy sees this as a sign of progress but says there is much more to be done.

“Untreated mental illness in children pose grave consequences to our communities, including high rates of suicide, academic decline and unemployment,” she said.

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Matthew Perry Kicked Out Of Therapy Session & Is Back In

From Emmeline Saunders @ Mirror: Matthew Perry has shared a poignant update about his mental wellbeing after worrying fans with a message about being booted out of his therapy session.

The Friends star had tweeted on Wednesday: “I got kicked out of therapy today.”

He then went quiet on his 1.27million followers, who flooded the actor with concerned messages about his health.

But Matthew has since returned to update worried fans, reassuring them that he’s safe and well.

“Easy guys, it was just one session. I’m back in therapy where I belong:),” he wrote.

The 49-year-old, who played Chandler Bing in the long-running American sitcom, has previously battled addiction issues after getting hooked on prescription painkillers.

He was involved in a jet-ski accident in 1997, at the height of his fame, and turned to the drugs to cope with the pain.

The star told People magazine in 2013: “I did and I felt better than I ever felt in my entire life. I had a big problem with pills and alcohol, and I couldn’t stop.”

A stint in rehab came the same year as the accident, but Matthew’s demons were at that point too powerful to overcome.

“You can’t have a drug problem for 30 years and then expect to have it solved in 28 days. Getting sober is a really hard thing to do,” he later explained.

Matthew would never drink on the Friends set but often came to work hungover and suffering from withdrawal symptoms, resulting in the other Friends stars begging him to get help.

But the actor was deeply in denial about his problems until 2001, where in a moment of clarity he flew to LA and checked into rehab.

Matthew has now been sober for 17 years and even turned his Malibu mansion into a sober living home to help other addicts coming out of rehab.

In September 2018, he revealed he’d spent three months in hospital for the latest in a worrying string of health problems.

He was cooped up in hospital after having major abdominal surgery to repair a gastrointestinal perforation.

He had the operation in August in a Los Angeles hospital, with his rep saying at the time: “He is grateful for the concern and asks for continued privacy as he heals.”

A gastrointestinal perforation – a hole in the stomach, large bowel or small intestine – can be caused by trauma to the area or from a number of diseases, including appendicitis and diverticulitis.

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Valentine’s Validation

A Valentine validation was what I wanted this year. Of course flowers and candy and nice, but sometimes knowing that you’re useful is the very best gift of all. This week I got two gifts that truly warmed the cockles of my heart. I have no idea what warmed cockles are, but I’m sure we all need them in the dead of winter. And best of all the gift was free.

My First Valentine Validation

A vendor called Sam visited the ROR office for business this
week, but we never got to the subject he came for. Sam B happened to be someone in recovery who was worried about a family member and wondered if we could help. Sam’s family has quite a history of substance use disorder (addiction), and a younger sibling is now facing the most dreaded fate. Sam is worried because his father keeps giving money to, and enabling, his younger sibling whose addiction to many substances has worsened. Sam’s dad won’t listen to any advice about what to do, despite the fact that he had done exactly the right things to help Sam four years ago. Why, why, why had his dad gone passive when he needed to take action? Sam was upset to say the least. Denial, false hope, call it what you may. Sam’s Dad was stuck despite the risk of doing nothing.

Sam knows from his own past substance use that denial is not a river in Egypt. You have to face the health risks of substance use disorder straight on and not hide behind false hope that things will get better on their own. They won’t.

To make a long story short, I showed Sam articles on ROR that might help his dad, and Sam said, “Oh, this is great. This is just what we need. The whole family read these, and the advice won’t be coming from me. I can stay out of it.” Yay.

That’s was a great recovery outcome. Sam can’t control his family, but now has a tool to help his dad relearn what he needs to know to get unstuck. And, just as important, he can take himself out of the picture. Just like everything in life, it may work out well, and it may not. But it felt good to have a handy tool to offer a family in crisis.

My Second Valentine Validation

My second Valentine validation came from an addiction physician in Maryland. Her name is Dr. Mary Jo Cannon. Dr. Cannon used to be a stranger to me, but I wasn’t a stranger to her. She receives our Friday newsletter every week and assigns the top five ROR articles to every one of the 325 patients in her practice. “They can get the feed right on their phone,” she said.

Mary Jo knows what I think about almost everything, and not only what I think, but what all the ROR writers think. We’re not academics, we translate some of the difficult material so others can get comfortable understanding it. Mary Jo loves the fact that ROR writers are genuine. We’ve been there. We talk about behavior. We give tips that are keepers.

This Kind of Validation Is ROR’s Dream Came True

“It’s a remarkable site,” Mary Jo told me. “Reach Out Recovery provides the inspiration, information, and education my patients need to make their recovery work.” She explained that all the article her patients read have a writing assignment. “Journaling is a really important part of the recovery experience, and you can tell the patients’ commitment to recovery by their involvement with the content of the articles and what they write.”

This endorsement was our dream come true. We had hoped that both laymen and professionals alike would enjoy a changing site that provides many short articles that are easier to digest than a thick self-help book that can feel like having to eat an elephant. Recovery is a one step at a time kind of journey, and that is what ROR offers.

ROR’s team works every day seven days a week to provide basic information about how to cope with Substance Use Disorder. It also provides tips on the tiny actions you can take one at a time to make recovery a lasting transformation. Thank you for reading.

The post Valentine’s Validation appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

A Valentine’s Day Fairy Tale

Here we go again… Valentine’s Day. The magical day where we, who have not found our life partners, get to reflect on all the romantic decisions we made in the past year: the good, the bad and the horrifying. But, wait… I actually have a story to tell this year, and it’s a good one. Dare I even say, it’s a fairy tale?!? See, I learned something very important this year.

Miracles do happen, but we don’t get to pick the miracle

A year or so ago, I decided that I wanted to find a serious relationship again. That was a big step for me to begin with. I was a divorcee by the age of 31. So, I dated a few people and nothing worked out. It’s frustrating when you finally get to a place in recovery where you want something, and you really care, and then you can’t make it happen. I’m disappointed. What can I say? I’m human. Last fall I started to have that feeling of, “Is this as good as it gets?” It’s not that I don’t love my life. I do. But, I’m a grown woman who chose not to have children, and from time to time, I do feel a deep need to care for something. 

Not having a relationship to focus on can cause despair

So, what did I do about it? I rescued a dog that had been saved from the meat trade, lived in a shelter in China his whole life, didn’t understand English, and had never been a pet. He wasn’t house trained; his 30 pounds pulls me down the street; and his sweaty paws leave prints everywhere. I’m obsessively neat and my apartment has all white furniture. What was I thinking?

Dog rescue was not my plan

I didn’t mean to rescue the dog. I was at the shelter “for a friend.” Seriously. But, I saw this dog, and for some reason, I couldn’t leave him there. I had no plan for this, was not prepared, and did it rather impulsively. I just knew I needed to take this dog—Something in his eyes I guess.

Enter Bentley…

No ill will towards the shelter because they gave me my new baby, but they said Bentley was 20 pounds, he’s 30. They said the separation anxiety could be calmed with a Kong, it could not. They said he’d make the anxious dog I already have, Teddy, calmer, he did not. Over Christmas break I found myself a prisoner in my own home with Bentley and Teddy, fearing they might kill each other. Worse, they triggered each others’ anxiety. 

Not the outcome I’d hoped for

If I left them alone for even a minute they howled and tried to tear down the door. I got noise complaints, I missed social gatherings to stay home with them. I seemed to spend 80% of my day walking dogs, who sometimes refused to even walk together. There were tearful calls to friends who comforted me by saying, “You can give him back.”

But…then there were those special moments…

…like the first time Bentley reached his paw out to touch me. He likes to put a paw against me sometimes. Those quiet morning moments when he awakened to find me, and his tail waged so hard it brought tears to my eyes. The first few walks where I could see him come alive. The first time I took him hiking I swear he danced his way up the mountain. The first time he chased a squirrel or got to be off leash at the dog park. The way Bentley came to me and bowed his head in complete submission after I fed him probably his first real food meals.

I don’t totally know what I’m doing with the dogs, but then I rarely know what I’m doing anyway. I just do, and fix mistakes when I make them. Yesterday, James, my dog walker, told me to feed Bently first thing in the morning. I had been waiting to give him lunch after going to the dog park. I didn’t realize it was too late. Bentley’s been hungry in the mornings.

Today, I woke up 30 minutes early to feed Bentley before James takes him at 7. Bentley and I had breakfast just as the sun was coming up. After he ate, we sat together for a few minutes and he threw his head into my lap and did that thing with his paw in an especially loving way. He was saying thank you.

Sometimes you just need to find a place for your love

Maybe Valentine’s Day is not just about finding someone to love you, but rather having something or someone to whom you can give your love. Today, I believe in fairy tales because I’m in one. I saved Bentley and gave him a home and life beyond his wildest dreams. He probably didn’t have a dream. I didn’t return him when it was rough, I hung in there and we’re finding our way. What he gives me in return is priceless.

First day home!

The universe teaches us lessons in funny ways. I’ve been worrying so much about what I might be doing wrong, or if I’m lovable, and all those ridiculous anxieties we have when we’re frustrated by our romantic life. In taking a total mutt with sweaty footprints who’s eating me out of house and home I realized, he’s absolutely perfect. I’m willing to do pretty much anything to give him the life he deserves after the mistreatment he endured.

The moral is, someone is going to come along one day and feel the same way about me and there’s nothing I can do to make it happen quicker, or stop it. The only thing I have to do is love what I can in the meantime and keep the faith.

Same goes for you. Happy Valentine’s Day

What Does It Really Mean to Be Happy? 5 Experts Explain

From Health.com

When you go to your “happy place,” you might picture yourself relaxing on a beach in Bali, fitting back into a pair of favorite old jeans, or landing that promotion you’ve been gunning for. But here’s the thing: Elation, achievement, and success aren’t the same as the warm and fuzzy feelings of happiness—and mixing them up may actually bum you out. That’s why we endeavored to learn what happiness really means, by interviewing a handful of people who have devoted years of their lives to studying it. Read about what their research and real-life experience has taught them; then use their wisdom and advice to boost your own joy. (Spoiler alert: Those old jeans will do more good in the giveaway bin.)

“Happiness isn’t something you feel. It’s something you do.”

I used to think I had a clear idea of what happiness looks like. I came to the U.S. at 13. My family emigrated from Russia, and we lived outside of Detroit. It was a really rough time, especially because I didn’t speak English. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and self-doubt. The only time I felt OK was when I achieved anything—the day I was moved from remedial English, the day I moved out of the projects.

I thought, “This is how I’m going to be happy: I’m going to achieve things.” I lived my life with this attitude. I’ll be happy when I get into a good college. When I graduate. When I move to New York. When I get married. When I’m able to take care of my family…

I was always proud of my achievements, yet the happiness bubble would eventually pop. I thought I wasn’t doing enough to gain the privilege of feeling good, but I hit a wall, burned out, and couldn’t push anymore.

When I stumbled onto research about gratitude nine years ago, I thought it was a bunch of BS. Saying three things I was grateful for would make me happy? Ridiculous. If I was grateful for everything, I wouldn’t work for anything. Still, I decided to do a 30-day experiment. I told my husband and daughter that each day, I’d write down something I was grateful for and say “thank you” to someone at least once.

The punch line is obvious. I noticed a difference right away. It’s not like I became a happy-go-lucky person, but I started to find joy in small, everyday moments. Tiny things, like my daughter running up to give me a hug. Coming into my living room and noticing the light hitting a vase of tulips. Even driving to work in minimal traffic and suddenly enjoying the commute.

Before I began practicing gratitude, I wasn’t present for those moments. I only stepped on them before running away. Happiness, I now realize, is not something you feel, but something you do. We don’t have to earn it, or be “good enough.” We just have to practice.

— Nataly Kogan, CEO of the learning platform Happier and author of Happier Now: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Embrace Everyday Moments (Even the Difficult Ones)

“Winning the lottery won’t make you happy indefinitely.”

Even though money matters, it’s not the only thing that contributes to our happiness. If money means covering all of our basic needs, it can positively contribute to happiness. However, after basic needs are met, increasing your disposable income follows the law of diminishing returns.The impact on happiness from 100 more dollars when you’re already rich? Close to zero. In happiness research, there’s something called “set-point theory.” It states that the increase in someone’s happiness in response to life events, such as winning the lottery or moving into a bigger house, will return to its baseline after time. This theory teaches us that we should enjoy the journey, not the destination, of life events. It’s important to remove the illusion that there is any one thing in this world that will make us permanently happy.

— Meik Wiking, CEO of the Happiness Research Institute and author of The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living

“Being happy is more than satisfying your impulses.”

Many neuroscientists would tell you that all happiness is a chemical and electrical process in the brain: motivation, followed by reward. As much as I love neuroscience, I like to stay curious about the possibilities beyond what science is ready to prove. The more I learn about timeless happiness, the more I see that it correlates with three experiences—relationships, contribution, and mastery. By “relationships,” I mean a feeling of connection and belonging—being seen for who we really are. (Tribes in South Africa traditionally greet each other with “Sawabona,” which translates to “I see you.” The response? “Sikhona,” or “I’m here.”) By “contribution,” I mean a sense that we’re offering something to the world that’s uniquely our own and makes a difference to others. And by “mastery,” I mean growing and working to be better versions of ourselves.

The fourth thing that ties into happiness and often gets overlooked is reflection. Not vegging out, but actually making time to quiet the mind and take stock of where you are currently in life.

The stuff we think gives us “happiness” right now—such as scrolling through social media—activates the brain’s ancient motivation-and-reward system, and only gives us momentary pleasure. The average American swipes her phone thousands of times a day. We don’t even know we’re doing it anymore. When we first “liked” that post on Instagram, it felt great. Now, it’s just a habit. To have happiness, we need to say yes to things that strengthen our relationships, help us contribute to the world, or allow us to master new skills—and learn to resist things that just satisfy our impulses. In other words, spend less time looking at screens and more time looking at nature, the people you care about, and yourself. Do that, and you’ll feel a sense of satisfaction: You’re doing more than just what your brain is telling you to.

— Ellen Petry Leanse, leadership coach and author of The Happiness Hack: How to Take Charge of Your Brain and Program More Happiness into Your Life

“We can find happiness at work.”

The quality of your relationships is the number one factor for your happiness. Some people think that means only at home. It’s like, “Why would I try to be friends with people at work? Spare me the fluffy stuff.” I used to think that too, and I now realize how shortsighted that mentality is. If we’re working full-time, we spend more time with our colleagues than with anyone else. Why wouldn’t we try to invest in those relationships?

Get face-to-face and make eye contact. We have “mirror neurons” in our brains, which make happiness and unhappiness contagious. So it’s important to pay attention to how you’re showing up at work, because that’s what you’ll get back from your coworkers later on in the day. You are the culture. We’re all affecting each other, and research shows it extends out, not just to your colleague but your colleague’s colleague. Invest whatever and however you can in relationships. Practice forgiveness, though it’s easier said than done. Practice kindness. And don’t just band together when things are going wrong; celebrate your successes when things are going great. That’s when you can really solidify your bond.

—Scott Crabtree, founder of the coaching and consulting organization Happy Brain Science

“Don’t chase happiness—look for meaning instead.”

Happiness is typically defined as a positive emotional state—this smiley-face ideal. People quote Aristotle as saying, “A good life is a happy life.” But really, the Greek word that Aristotle uses in his teachings, eudaimonia, better translates to “flourishing” than “happy.” And when you read him, he specifically makes a distinction between “flourishing” and “happy.”

Flourishing is living a virtuous life where you pursue excellence in your work, relationships, and community. Doing those things might not make you feel happy all the time. They’re hard. They can be stressful. Being a parent or leader takes effort, right? But it leaves you with a deeper sense of meaning.

I advocate for the pursuit of a meaningful life, rather than chasing happiness. Research backs me up on this. When people pursue eudaimonia, they end up with greater well-being. They’re actually healthier, and they live longer, too. People who believe their lives are meaningful have less of the brain plaque associated with Alzheimer’s disease, and they’re less likely to develop cardiovascular disease.

So what does it take to create meaning? That’s the million-dollar question. One of the key aspects of a meaningful life is transcendence—those rare moments when you step outside yourself and feel connected to a higher reality. It might happen on a trip to the Grand Canyon, or while you’re meditating, or sitting in church. Transcendent experiences exist on a wide range, and they can change you.

—Emily Esfahani Smith, journalist and author of The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness

“To be happy, be brave.”

My former job—hosting Live Wire!, a nationally syndicated radio variety show—was a dream. I got paid to write comedy. I met fascinating people. I had actual fans who loved the show and told me so. I mean, who gets to have fans?

But it was so anxiety-producing that for two weeks out of every month I was filled with dread about the next live show. Even so, I did it for almost a decade, until the night before our ninth-anniversary show, when I had a massive anxiety attack that would not go away. It lasted for two days.

The show brought so many extraordinary things and people into my life that I thought I should be happy. Everyone thought I was lucky, and when everyone thinks you’re lucky, it takes you a lot longer to realize how miserable you are.

The anxiety attack was the world’s most unpleasant wake-up call. Still, it took me a couple of weeks to let the hosting job go.

My whole body changed the moment I did. My shoulders dropped, and I could breathe again. But I wasn’t immediately happy. In fact, I was immediately out of sorts and wondering what the hell to do with my life. That’s what sparked my Okay Fine Whatever Project—I wanted to see if I could teach my brain that everything was going to be OK by doing things that scared me and then writing about them to process the experiences.

Instead of thinking, “That sounds terrifying” when confronted with a new and weird experience, I thought, “Well, that sounds interesting.” And that was enough to make a difference.

Do I feel there’s a link between bravery and happiness? A hundred percent. Regret and complacency are bitches. No one wants to hang out with them, and fear invites them in, over and over again.

Bravery is a daunting word—I wish there was a word for tiny braveries: Trying to make a new friend as an adult. Going to Thailand when flying gives you panic attacks. Letting the person you’re dating know that you care about them before you know how they feel about you.

These are things you’re not going to win medals for, but when you add them all up at the end of your life, they are going to define whether it was a life worth living.

I think people’s striving for some ideal “happiness” is one of the great causes of unhappiness in the world. If we strive for anything, it should be a healthy mind and body, a sense of purpose, and the ability to give and receive love without reservation or expectation. That seems as close to true contentment as I could get.

Also, cheese makes me happy. A good, strong vintage cheddar.

The post What Does It Really Mean to Be Happy? 5 Experts Explain appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.