Leslie Glass's Blog, page 240

Gaslighting Is Manipulation

Gaslighting is manipulation like when someone, or something, attempts to change reality by presenting alternate facts. Fake news is a political form of gaslighting, but gaslighting is very personal when it happens to you. It’s pretending something is true that isn’t true, or pretending something that’s happening that isn’t happening and saying it with such conviction and sincerity that you begin to doubt yourself.

The spin puts you in a double spin

Is there someone in your life who insists things happened that didn’t happen, or has a completely different version of events in which you have the facts? It’s a form of mind control and is very common among families dealing with substance and behavior problems. It can also be politically useful. It’s more than spin. Making something that is happening seem it isn’t happening is gaslighting.

 Gaslighting is manipulation that works like this

You find the car has been damaged after you loaned it to a loved one or friend. That loved one happens to live in an alternate universe where everything is always someone else’s fault (preferably yours). He/she had an accident today while driving and later insists the scratches and dents were already there when he/she took the wheel. In other words, you did it. He won’t stop insisting you did it even if you present a photo of the car in perfect condition when you handed it over. He’ll insist on alternate facts to prove you’re wrong, evil, mean, and anything else he can think of. He’ll throw in that you’re also a bad driver.

Does something seem wrong all the time

You are distressed because Items go missing, like pills from your prescription, or money from your wallet. The person living in an alternate universe insists nothing actually went missing. You’re just an idiot. You can’t count your pills. You spent that money yourself. You’re making it up. Or worse, you’re evil for calling him or her a liar. You simply cannot win. Do you get the drift?

Gaslighting is manipulation to control the story

The person presenting alternate facts does this to control the story, the situation, and you, in order to make himself look innocent, or fair, or good, or kind, or popular, or successful, whatever that person wants to be. That person will say anything at all to get you to give up your views, your opinions, your dignity, your self esteem.

Alternate Facts Make You Think You’re Crazy

The person who lives in an alternate universe will engage your mother, your best friend, your trusted adviser, your boss, every authority he/she knows to support his version of reality against yours. And if he/she is not successful in that, he will destroy whoever who defends you. By lying about them.

Presenting Alternate Facts Is Hallmark Of Untrustworthy People

Gaslighting, presenting alternate facts, shutting down lines of communication, denying people critical information, plus a few more hostile acts I could mention, are all signs of someone who can’t be trusted to tell the truth in any situation. What do you do about it? Be sure you have others around you who can verify the truth. Gaslighting can only work if you let it. If it happens at work, find reliable people to get the truth out. If it happens in government, keep the pressure up to tell the truth. Truth has no party, no good or bad side. Truth is just truth, and we need it to survive.

The post Gaslighting Is Manipulation appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

22 Activities For Sober Weekends

Surviving sober weekends is one of the biggest challenges for people new to recovery. What do you do for fun now? What do you do, period? Whether you were a get-dressed-up-and-hit-the-clubs kind of person, a barfly, a house party-lover, or a home alone with the bottle and the pipe type, drinking and drugging was a lifestyle. A lifestyle that took up a lot of your free time, if not all of it. It takes time to get drunk or high. You have to keep that feeling going, then you pass out. Finally, you sleep it off, only to later deal with a nasty hangover. In all of that, there is no time for hobbies, side hustles, friends and family commitments, a workout regime, or anything else for that matter.  

You’ve gotten sober and it’s great—you’re making it work! But then you hit those long, empty sober weekends

Scared of that down time with nothing to do

Don’t worry. Boring is the new cool. Once you settle into some new activities, hobbies, communities, and whatever else you find in your sobriety, you will be fine. You will be better than fine. You will be healthy, happy, and satisfied. It does, however, take some time, experimentation, and practice to get there. So, let’s talk about what you can do in early recovery to actually enjoy your time. 

Are you just getting to know a sober life and struggling with figuring out what you should do with your sober weekends?  

8 ways for surviving sober weekends



A spa day at home—solo or with a friend. Wash your hair, do a mask… Easy self-care tasks that might just make you feel physically better Organize and clean out your closet and donate items. Yeah, not the most exciting thing in the world, but we’re just getting used to normal life and normal activities Call and catch up with family members or friends Stress-relieving coloring books can help pass time very easily Movie night/bingeworthy shows  Go to that meeting, yoga class, or any other activity that brings spirituality or recovery into your day Take care of the animals or family members who might need you Take a walk and listen to music 

OK, congratulations! You’re not exactly in early sobriety anymore but you’re still in that in between stage where life doesn’t feel totally comfortable yet. Let’s go a little bigger with our activities and begin to explore long-term sober weekends. 

7 awesome weekend activities



Try Dreaming big. Tour real estate in the neighborhood you’d like to live. Try on expensive clothes or jewelry. Spend a day living the life you strive to reach, and the positive feelings will help you hit your goals Be a tourist. drive to the nearest big city and be a tourist for a day, there are plenty of online guides of what to do in every city.   Sit still, breathe, learn to meditateGame night with friends or family. Traditional board games or maybe not. Video games and modern board games that are more detailed and fun  Try a hobby from your adolescence. Try something that you may have given up. Guitar, drawing etc.   Spend a day helping others and your community! Volunteering your time to help others gives you a purpose and makes it easier than ever to meet new friends. Go to your local animal shelter and play with / pet the animals 

Are you more advanced in your recovery, or just looking for sober activities that could challenge you a bit more? Here are some suggestions for really taking up some time: 

Throw a sober dinner party or some other sober event where you can showcase your new cooking, entertaining, and sober skills Take classes! Check out your local YMCA, community college, or online! Study a language you’ve always wanted to learn Learn a new skill that interests you. Work with websites? Take a WordPress class. Want to build an app? They have programs to help you do that now. Have something you have always wanted to try? Now’s the time and YouTube can be good teacher.  Learn how to cook your favorite food or desert  Find an online community in something you’re interested in. Discord, Reddit, and Facebook all have groups to discuss your favorite things with people around the world  explore new podcasts to listen to  

The post 22 Activities For Sober Weekends appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Why Taking A Deep Breath Helps Anxiety

Why does taking a deep breath help anxiety? 70% of adults say they experience anxiety daily. For 30%, the anxiety is constant. But what to do? There’s an easy answer; calm down and breathe, then use your mental health boosters. You’ve heard about breathing before, right?

Stress triggers anxiety

When our bodies process anxiety, it triggers the flight or fight response, releasing a surge of adrenaline. This worked well to protect our ancestors from dinosaur attacks and is still useful today in emergencies. All too often, our bodies are geared up to fight emergencies that never happen. In his book, Retraining the Brain, Dr. Frank Lawlis explains,

“Here’s what’s going on in the anxiety-filled brain: Fears and stress trigger an anxiety storm in your brain – which in turn creates chaos that your brain tries to resolve, but can’t. Instead, it just lingers there, endlessly spinning with surges of raw shocks. In psychological terms, that means you’re in a chronic (which means constant) state of anxiety.”

When trouble hits, your adrenal glands leap into action, flooding your body with hormones. Your heart beats faster and your breathing kicks into high gear. If you come from a home where there was abuse, your muscles brace for the anticipated hit, and your pupils lock-in on the target. This is your body’s conditioned response to stress.

Taking a deep breath and then another turns your body around

When you body can’t keep up with your fears, Dr. Lawlis’s circle breathing offers a one-minute fix that can turn your body around.

All too often the idea of pausing for a minute here and another minute there is lovely but impractical. This mini mind break will calm you in every way. Enjoy.

The post Why Taking A Deep Breath Helps Anxiety appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Why You Need Sober Inspiration Right Now

When you first get sober, the only sober inspiration you need is not feel so shitty. Just the idea of shakes and withdrawals being over and having a clear head sounds like heaven. It seems impossible to get sober, so it’s an incredible goal once it’s achieved. But…what about the happily ever after?

30, 60, 90 days later, things change and finding some sober inspiration is critical 

Suddenly being sober isn’t such a miracle. The pink cloud, if you ever even had one, has floated away and life and life’s problem have returned and you may not yet have the tools and coping skills to navigate safely through. 

This is when inspiration becomes your friend 

Anyone who has gotten sober has had moments where they needed sober inspiration. Some people need it on a daily basis. For that reason, remembering why you started or where you’re headed becomes imperative. 

So, here’s a shortlist of things to remember when you’re just not feeling sobriety.



What was life like when you used? 

What will it be like if you use again? Most people don’t get sober because drinking or drugging was improving their life. Because it certainly wasn’t improving mine. Remember what drinking and drugging did to your life. Remember how you felt when you realized you needed to get sober. Remember the looks on the faces of people you disappointed. Think about what it will be like in a day, a week, a month and what it will take to get back. If you do make it back. So, take a minute to pause and think past the f*ck it. 

Think about what you want. 

How much farther will you be from that goal if you ditch sobriety? What’s your vision for your life? If you don’t know, figure it out because it will help keep you sober. It helped me to always be working towards my goals, even when it wasn’t going well. I’d get discouraged sometimes, but I never lost hope and that made all the difference. 

Do you feel better?

Do you wake up feeling even happy some days? You won’t for long if you relapse. Weigh in your mind what it would be like to detox again or lose your mental health. Or just spend days coming down or being hungover from whatever substances got used to make you feel high or drunk. 

What about your loved ones?

 They say you have to get sober for yourself but never forget all the people who would be hurt if you went back to those old bad habits. Think about your family, friends, a sober community, a professional community. There came a moment for me when I had to take all this recovery stuff seriously because I had to grow up. I had responsibilities and I wanted to show up for them. For me, when I thoroughly followed the path, it worked. 

Got a pet?

Discuss it with them. Tell that furry loved one what you want to do and let them tell you what they want you to do. Sometimes animals have a funny way of getting through if you give them the chance. 

If these don’t strike a chord for you make your own list of sober inspiration 

The important thing is to find things outside yourself to focus on when times are tough. IT’s in the mind where we get turned around sometimes, especially if our wiring isn’t shatterproof. 

The post Why You Need Sober Inspiration Right Now appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

An Apple a Day – 5 Ways to Add Apples to Your Next Meal –

You probably have heard the saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away.  Is it true or a myth?  According to Cornell University research it is true, but you do have to eat the skin as well.  Apple, especially the peel of the apple contains antioxidants.  From such research and others there is a scientific evidence showing these antioxidants may lower the risk of cancer and other diseases.  In addition to antioxidants, apples contain pectin fiber which may aid weight loss.

Here are 5 ways to make sure you and your family eat an apple a day:

Apple Goat Cheese Wrap

4-6 Servings

Ingredients:

Boston lettuce for the wraps
½ cup Goat Cheese
1/3 cup dried cranberries
1 Red Apple (Honeycrisp) cut into cubes
1 Kirby Cucumber cut to cubes
2 Avocados
¼ cup crushed almonds
1 tbsp Agave
¼ cup olive oil
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tbsp basil
Salt and pepper

Directions:

Whisk olive oil and lemon juice in a large bowl.  Pit the avocado, then cut in pieces; add to the bowl and mix.  Add cucumbers, basil, dried cranberries, almonds, agave, apple and salt and pepper to the mix. Take Boston lettuce leaf and fill in with 1 tbspful of the mixture and wrap it.

Apple Waldorf Salad

4-6 Servings

Ingredients:                                                                               

½ cup yogurt
1 tbsp fresh lemon juice
½ tsp salt
½ tsp ground pepper
1 Granny Smith apple, cut into thin slices
1 cup halved red seedless grapes
½ cup fennel cut into thin slices
1 tbsp mint cut julienne
1 cup Romaine lettuce cut to pieces
¼ cup walnuts

Directions:

In a bowl whisk the yogurt, lemon juice, salt and pepper.  Add apple, grapes, walnuts, lettuce and fennel.  Toss together.  Cover and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Baked Apples

2 servings

Ingredients:                                                             

2 Roma/Granny Smith apples cored
2 tsp Cinnamon
 1 tbsp raisins
2 tbsp chopped pecans
Juice from 1/2 orange
1 tsp agave

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350.  In a pyrex add the cored apples.  Sprinkle cinnamon on the apples.  Fill into the core the raisins and the pecans.  Pour½ of the orange juice on the apples.  Cook for 20, or until the apples are soft.  Pour the rest of the orange juice before serving.

Red and Green Apples Slaw

6 Servings

Ingredients:                                                                                                 

1 Granny Smith apple cut into matchstick-size strips
1 Gala apple cut into matchstick-size strips
2 cups cabbage slaw
2 tbsp juice of lime
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp sage cut julienne
2 tsp soy sauce
½ tsp chili pepper
2 tbsp crushed peanuts
2 tbsp Chives cut into small pieces

 Directions:

In a large bowl pour the lime juice, soy sauce, chili pepper and sesame oil.  Whist all together.  Add cabbage slaw, herbs and peanuts.  Mix the apples, all together.

Sauté Apple and Chicken

6 servings

Ingredients:                                                                               

1 apple cut to cubes
Cooked chicken skinless boneless
3 cups baby kale
1 yellow onion cut to small pieces
2 tbsp grapeseed oil
1-2 minced garlic
2 tbsp dill
½ cup pomegranate
½ red apple
½ green apple

Directions:

In a pan sauté yellow onions and garlic with the oil until the onions are translucent. Add chicken and salt and pepper. Cook for about 7-10 minutes.  Towards the end of the cooking add the baby kale, pomegranates and dill.  Mix together.  Best to serve it on a bed of quinoa or wild rice.

And if that is too much work, have an apple as your snack perhaps with peanut butter.  Yum!

The post An Apple a Day – 5 Ways to Add Apples to Your Next Meal – appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Raw Relapse: Recovery Month 2019

About that night the relapse ended… There was a knock on my car window, the driver’s side. I had been sitting inside for the past hour or so, trying to get high — rather, trying to get “right.” My eyes met the police officer’s as I looked up. I froze. Everything appeared to become very small and far away. Reality was hitting. I took the needle out of my arm, this was it. Game over.

The relapse was out

I am not going to start from the beginning to explain that relapse. I moved to Florida in 2012 to get sober and launched a captive wildlife and exotic animal organization a couple years following that. My success at the time was a double-edged sword that was soon trumped by my self-will and ego. Like any good alcoholic in relapse mode, my downward spiral began about a year before my arrest — cunning, baffling, powerful. 

As they say, the relapse begins way before the relapse begins

As alcoholics, we are told to do simple, routine things, because these basics are tools for survival. I stopped going to meetings, practicing daily self-care, praying, and spending time with my support network. My series of events is no different than most of the experiences I hear. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I returned to my old transgressions. 

First red flag? When I stopped my routine

Next up? The longest, most hollowing five months of my life. I operated merely to numb myself. I hid the secret, cared for my animals, and existed around the people who cared for me. My true self was locked away internally as sickness festered my body. I wouldn’t wish that soul-crushing sentence on my worst enemy. 

When in active addiction, I’ve needed a physical barricade to come between me and the drug in order to stop — like that knock on my window. That day was one of the best of my life. I am certain if it did not happen, I wouldn’t be able to share this with you. 

But, relapse can turn into redemption



kayaking

With assistance from my loved ones, I surrendered. I truly let go and when I did, I opened my heart to a higher power. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to treatment and rebuild my foundation in the recovery community. I learned to be honest and tell people when I am overwhelmed or not okay. And, of course, I picked up practicing those simple, daily tools I balked at. It has been a slow, beautifully grueling process. 

I have had many past relapses, but none quite as emotionally debilitating as this. My months of using lead to one event and within 18 hours, I lost everything I had built in those three and a half years of sobriety. My animals were moved to a sanctuary for safekeeping so I could get help. My reputation was destroyed as rumors circulated about my downfall. I lost trust and respect from my family. My finances were ruined, and I had charges lingering over my head. I had abandoned my freedoms, integrity, and sanity — only a mere shell of a human being was left to exist. 

In March of 2017, I surrendered and started to rebuild. I crawled through my first year of sobriety. I kept to the basics: meetings, support network, group and individual therapy, prayer, a simple job, and no major changes. Hell, I rode a scooter for the first six months. Fortunately, I was blessed with the opportunity to enter a rehabilitation program for the court system, which is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever completed. You have to jump through so many hoops! But rightfully so. I stayed off social media and focused on myself.

After my first year, I was finally able to stand tall. I could breathe easy and relax my shoulders back. I declared bankruptcy for a fresh financial start and was blessed to begin a career in the profession I went to college for. My relationships are being reconstructed — my boyfriend, now fiancé and board member, stuck by my side (big shoutout to him). I have regained my freedoms, grown to be self-supporting, and consider myself a true sober woman of integrity these days. 

My point is, there are solutions, but it all begins with willingness. And there is rarely instant gratification, so add patience to the list. I still have a lot of consequences I am moving through. Again, rightfully so.

In March of 2018, I launched Kinkatopia, a nonprofit organization. I cautiously entered back into the animal community and introduced my passion for kinkajous to the world. And what a freaking amazing journey that has been. I can’t express the gratitude I have for such an incredible community surrounding these amazing animals. 

My recovery is the most sacred thing I possess. I work daily to keep my disease in check: meetings, communication, spirituality, inventory, etc. I see a therapist regularly and seek self-improvement whenever the opportunity arises. Fitness has become a great outlet and mastering time management helps with daily function. I juggle a lot, but try my best to make time for self-care. 

Alcoholics are given the opportunity to live two lives in one. I’ve been blessed to throw a couple more in there. It’s like Glenda says to Dorothy toward the end of The Wizard of Oz: “You’ve had the power all along my dear…” I had the information, location for success, and loving support group, but wasn’t ready. 

Relapse isn’t a requirement for a successful recovery, but it was a catalyst for mine. I wouldn’t change a thing; except the pain I have caused others. I needed the opportunity to reset myself. I went through the motions, but I can soundly say the desire to be a better me is truly engrained in my bones. 

The post Raw Relapse: Recovery Month 2019 appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

The Secrets of Great Relationships

After hearing from many frustrated people over the years we’ve heard from a lot of disenchanted people who have felt very pessimistic people about their chances of creating a fulfilling long-term partnership. Some of the most common assertions have been:  “There are no good men/women out there who are not already taken”, “I don’t know anyone who has a great relationship and I’m not willing to settle for a mediocre one”,  “I’m too messed up to create a healthy relationship” and Maybe I’m just one of those people who isn’t cut out for marriage.”

We realized that reassuring people that it in fact was possible wasn’t going to be enough and decided to provide some evidence to back up our claim. We interviewed over 50 couples with exemplary relationships and heard their testimonies as well as their take on how they managed to create deeply fulfilling relationships, often in the face of great adversity including health crises, financial failure, depression, loss of loved ones, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and various forms of family dysfunction in many of their childhoods. In response to our question about how they managed to fulfill their dream, often despite the odds, a number of themes ran through their stories. Here are the most common:

An awareness of the value of a fulfilling relationship.
A commitment to give the time, energy, and care that the partnership requires to thrive.
Enlightened self-interest. Trusting that what one invests in the well-being of their partner ultimately enhances the quality of their own life.
Life-long learning — a desire to learn from and apply the lessons that life experience offers.
A sense of one’s life purpose that is separate but supported by their commitment to their relationship.
Responsibility. The recognition that each partner plays a part in the relationship being where it is, and that we have the power to influence where it goes from here.
No blame. Rather than seeking to find fault with another, the focus is on questions like, “What can I do that might help to move us forward to a better place?”
Learning and practicing the art of skillfully managing differences.
A willingness to seek outside help when needed.
Making the quality of the relationship a high priority.
Vulnerability. Relating to each other non-defensively.
Committed listening. Bringing full attention to interactions without interrupting, judging, correcting, or advising unless specifically requested.
Believing eyes. Seeing each other’s gifts and beauty and reflecting them back.
Equality. True partnerships are nonhierarchical, based on an equal distribution of power.
Generosity. This refers to generosity of spirit in which one’s concern extends beyond one’s own needs and desires.
Self-care — a commitment to invest time and energy in the relationship without neglecting one’s own needs.
Humor, playfulness, and fun. Making time for play, pleasure and enjoyment.
Gratitude. Cultivating and embodying an attitude of gratitude may be the most important item on the list.

Also, feel free to add your own criteria that may be unique to you or your unique circumstances. Great relationships don’t get created overnight. It’s an ongoing process, but when you take this intention on as a commitment, over time and with practice, it gets easier and begins to feel more natural as our old defensive structures diminish and fade away. But don’t take our word for it. See for yourself. What have you got to lose?

This set of guidelines is for anyone who is serious about taking on the challenges of a committed partnership. Consider which of these factors you have already sufficiently developed, and which ones could use more of your attention. Feel free to add your own criteria that are unique to your circumstances. Great relationships don’t get created overnight, but with a clear intention, old defensive structures can dissolve and be transformed into life-enhancing practices.

But don’t take our word for it. Try it and see for yourself. What have you got to lose?

This content was originally published here.

The post The Secrets of Great Relationships appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

The Secrets of Great Relationships | Psychology Today

After hearing from many frustrated people over the years we’ve heard from a lot of disenchanted people who have felt very pessimistic people about their chances of creating a fulfilling long-term partnership. Some of the most common assertions have been:  “There are no good men/women out there who are not already taken”, “I don’t know anyone who has a great relationship and I’m not willing to settle for a mediocre one”,  “I’m too messed up to create a healthy relationship” and Maybe I’m just one of those people who isn’t cut out for marriage.”

We realized that reassuring people that it in fact was possible wasn’t going to be enough and decided to provide some evidence to back up our claim. We interviewed over 50 couples with exemplary relationships and heard their testimonies as well as their take on how they managed to create deeply fulfilling relationships, often in the face of great adversity including health crises, financial failure, depression, loss of loved ones, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and various forms of family dysfunction in many of their childhoods. In response to our question about how they managed to fulfill their dream, often despite the odds, a number of themes ran through their stories. Here are the most common:

An awareness of the value of a fulfilling relationship.
A commitment to give the time, energy, and care that the partnership requires to thrive.
Enlightened self-interest. Trusting that what one invests in the well-being of their partner ultimately enhances the quality of their own life.
Life-long learning — a desire to learn from and apply the lessons that life experience offers.
A sense of one’s life purpose that is separate but supported by their commitment to their relationship.
Responsibility. The recognition that each partner plays a part in the relationship being where it is, and that we have the power to influence where it goes from here.
No blame. Rather than seeking to find fault with another, the focus is on questions like, “What can I do that might help to move us forward to a better place?”
Learning and practicing the art of skillfully managing differences.
A willingness to seek outside help when needed.
Making the quality of the relationship a high priority.
Vulnerability. Relating to each other non-defensively.
Committed listening. Bringing full attention to interactions without interrupting, judging, correcting, or advising unless specifically requested.
Believing eyes. Seeing each other’s gifts and beauty and reflecting them back.
Equality. True partnerships are nonhierarchical, based on an equal distribution of power.
Generosity. This refers to generosity of spirit in which one’s concern extends beyond one’s own needs and desires.
Self-care — a commitment to invest time and energy in the relationship without neglecting one’s own needs.
Humor, playfulness, and fun. Making time for play, pleasure and enjoyment.
Gratitude. Cultivating and embodying an attitude of gratitude may be the most important item on the list.

Also, feel free to add your own criteria that may be unique to you or your unique circumstances. Great relationships don’t get created overnight. It’s an ongoing process, but when you take this intention on as a commitment, over time and with practice, it gets easier and begins to feel more natural as our old defensive structures diminish and fade away. But don’t take our word for it. See for yourself. What have you got to lose?

This set of guidelines is for anyone who is serious about taking on the challenges of a committed partnership. Consider which of these factors you have already sufficiently developed, and which ones could use more of your attention. Feel free to add your own criteria that are unique to your circumstances. Great relationships don’t get created overnight, but with a clear intention, old defensive structures can dissolve and be transformed into life-enhancing practices.

But don’t take our word for it. Try it and see for yourself. What have you got to lose?

This content was originally published here.

The post The Secrets of Great Relationships | Psychology Today appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Why Codependents attract Narcissists

One of the most common issues with narcissism is the central focus on self. People who are narcissists can fake caring and empathy towards others.  The truth is they are selfish, with a true need to put themselves first, even to the detriment of those who depend on them for emotional support and well-being.

The Early Years

Children raised by narcissistic mothers, and particularly daughters of narcissistic mothers, are raised in a very hostile and damaging emotional environment. In these types of relationships, the narcissist mother sees the daughter as a personal reflection, which means the child is expected to be perfect in all she does, which is ultimately impossible. 

The mother is unable to care for the emotional needs of the child but instead sees the children as an extension of herself. There are literally no boundaries in the mother’s mind between herself and her child or children. The mother attempts to create a miniature version of herself, which is impossible due to the developmental stage of the child. 

No matter how hard the child struggles, she cannot be what the mother demands. This creates anger and hostility towards the child as the mother sees the child’s inability as a failure. Punishment, emotional isolation, and even threats of leaving the child are all common. At the same time, the narcissist is quick to spot any signs of independence or individuality in the daughter, which is seen as a threat or a negative reflection on the narcissist.

Coupled with this is the inability of the narcissist to be there emotionally for the child. The child simply does not have that sense of being cared for and loved, and the relationship with the parent is often described as cold, clinical, or distant. This is often in very stark contrast to the relationship the child may have with the other parent or grandparent. If the child reaches out to make the emotional connection, it is immediately rejected by the mother, the very person the daughter feels the need to connect with the most. 

Older Children 

With older children, and with a heightened impact on daughters, the narcissist mother undermines the child and teen with regards to self-esteem. This is done through constant shaming for not living up to the standards set by the mother, which are often a reflection of her personality deficits. 

In addition to the ongoing shame and blame, the narcissistic mother also maintains control over all aspects of the daughter’s life, further reducing the girl’s ability to be autonomous and independent from her mother. The girl must like what the mother likes and live her life as the mother sees fit.  At the same time, the mother may physically abuse the daughter, or lavish all of her attention on a male child in the family. The mother may actually see the daughter as a competitor in the family, taking away from the full and complete love and attention of the husband or partner, as well as other children.

Unfortunately, fathers or partners in the family are often very dysfunctional as well and maybe extremely passive to avoid confrontation with the narcissist. This leaves the young girl without any emotional support or someone to counterbalance the negative and hostile emotional environment. 

With this type of emotional experience, children of a narcissistic mother often move into codependent relationships with a narcissist. The partner simply replaces the mother, not because the individual wants the continued negativity, but because this is all she or he has ever known. 

This content was originally published here.

The post Why Codependents attract Narcissists appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Why Codependents attract Narcissists | Psychology Today

One of the most common issues with narcissism is the central focus on self. People who are narcissists can fake caring and empathy towards others.  The truth is they are selfish, with a true need to put themselves first, even to the detriment of those who depend on them for emotional support and well-being.

The Early Years

Children raised by narcissistic mothers, and particularly daughters of narcissistic mothers, are raised in a very hostile and damaging emotional environment. In these types of relationships, the narcissist mother sees the daughter as a personal reflection, which means the child is expected to be perfect in all she does, which is ultimately impossible. 

The mother is unable to care for the emotional needs of the child but instead sees the children as an extension of herself. There are literally no boundaries in the mother’s mind between herself and her child or children. The mother attempts to create a miniature version of herself, which is impossible due to the developmental stage of the child. 

No matter how hard the child struggles, she cannot be what the mother demands. This creates anger and hostility towards the child as the mother sees the child’s inability as a failure. Punishment, emotional isolation, and even threats of leaving the child are all common. At the same time, the narcissist is quick to spot any signs of independence or individuality in the daughter, which is seen as a threat or a negative reflection on the narcissist.

Coupled with this is the inability of the narcissist to be there emotionally for the child. The child simply does not have that sense of being cared for and loved, and the relationship with the parent is often described as cold, clinical, or distant. This is often in very stark contrast to the relationship the child may have with the other parent or grandparent. If the child reaches out to make the emotional connection, it is immediately rejected by the mother, the very person the daughter feels the need to connect with the most. 

Older Children 

With older children, and with a heightened impact on daughters, the narcissist mother undermines the child and teen with regards to self-esteem. This is done through constant shaming for not living up to the standards set by the mother, which are often a reflection of her personality deficits. 

In addition to the ongoing shame and blame, the narcissistic mother also maintains control over all aspects of the daughter’s life, further reducing the girl’s ability to be autonomous and independent from her mother. The girl must like what the mother likes and live her life as the mother sees fit.  At the same time, the mother may physically abuse the daughter, or lavish all of her attention on a male child in the family. The mother may actually see the daughter as a competitor in the family, taking away from the full and complete love and attention of the husband or partner, as well as other children.

Unfortunately, fathers or partners in the family are often very dysfunctional as well and maybe extremely passive to avoid confrontation with the narcissist. This leaves the young girl without any emotional support or someone to counterbalance the negative and hostile emotional environment. 

With this type of emotional experience, children of a narcissistic mother often move into codependent relationships with a narcissist. The partner simply replaces the mother, not because the individual wants the continued negativity, but because this is all she or he has ever known. 

This content was originally published here.

The post Why Codependents attract Narcissists | Psychology Today appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.