Kathi Lipp's Blog, page 42
September 19, 2018
Tired of Trying to Be Perfect?
September 18, 2018
#322 The Ministry of Too Much Stuff: How to Turn Your “Bonus” items into Someone else’s Blessing Part 1 with Tonya Kubo
Do you struggle with giving things away? Today Kathi is chatting with Tonya Kubo, the leader of our Clutter Free Academy Facebook group about why we struggle so much with giving away our things.
In this episode you will learn:
practical tips for letting go of stuff from Kathi and Tonya
how holding on to things until you find the “right” way to give it away is actually costing you
why we need to get rid of things through the path of least resistance
Thanks for Listening!
To share your thoughts:
• Leave a note in the comment section below.
• Share this show on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.
To help out the show:
• Leave an honest review on iTunes. Your ratings and reviews really help and I read each one.
• Subscribe on iTunes or subscribe now.
Special thanks to Tonya for joining me this week! Tune in next week for Part 2 of this conversation.
Meet Our Guest
Tonya Kubo
Tonya Kubo is the illustrious, fearless leader of Kathi Lipp’s Clutter-Free Academy Facebook group. She and her husband, Brian, are raising two spirited girls in the agricultural heart of California. She writes about fighting the demons of comparison, clutter and compulsion on www.tonyakubo.com.
September 17, 2018
9 Truths You Need to Know About Asking for Help
I asked for help today.
It was tempting to wait a few more days, to see if I really needed help or if I could manage on my own.
But last night, I asked myself, Why wait?
And the only answer that came to mind was from my People-Pleasing past.
A Woman Who Helps Others
I grew up hearing, “Some things ought not be spoken.”
Although “some things” was an unwritten list, I knew it by heart.
And I knew that “needing help” and “asking for help” were most definitely on The List.
Because, of course, needing help and asking for help might be interpreted to mean that we weren’t perfect.
That we were failures.
So, I kept quiet about my own needs.
I tried hard to be a woman who always helps others but never needs help herself.
What Asking for Help Does NOT Mean
I asked for help today because I refuse to believe the lies of the People-Pleasing bully. All day, I’ll be reminding myself what asking for help does NOT mean:
1) Asking for help does NOT mean that I am a failure.
I may be in the midst of failing. But failing does not make me “a failure.” It just means I’m human.
2) Asking for help does NOT mean that I’m lazy (and should “just try harder”).
I may be trying harder than I’ve ever tried in my life. But I may be doing the wrong thing or doing the right thing the wrong way. Both of which mean that “trying harder” will only make things worse…faster.
3) Asking for help does NOT mean that I’m stupid or incompetent.
No matter how smart or capable I may be in some areas, there’s so much more I don’t know and so many more skills I don’t have. Believing that I should “know it all by now” and be able to “do it all by myself” is pride, pure and simple.
What Asking for Help DOES Mean
I’m also reminding myself, today, what asking for help DOES mean:
1) Asking for help means that I am learning.
Trying and failing means I am learning. On this planet, failure is a key part of the learning process.
2) Asking for help means that I value myself.
Refusing to “just try harder” once I recognize that I’m doing the wrong thing, or the right thing the wrong way, is a sign of self-respect.
3) Asking for help means that I am teachable.
Rejecting the idea that I “should already know ______” or “should just naturally be able to ____” is an act of self-compassion.
4) Asking for help means that I value others’ input.
Welcoming others’ experience-borne expertise demonstrates trust, humility, and receptivity.
5) Asking for help means that I choose not to do life alone.
Recognizing that I need other people reflects acceptance of God’s plan for me to live in community.
A Woman Who Asks for Help
I asked for help today because I’m struggling with a new situation that’s dragging me back toward old destructive habits. But I don’t want to slide back.
So I’m asking for help to make sure I don’t.
In this new situation, I’m not sure how to be my best self. Should I speak up or stay quiet? Should I take action or wait? I want to live as God’s masterpiece even in the midst of difficulty.
So I’m asking for help so I can be 100% me.
The various people involved in this new situation each have their own agendas, and People-Pleasing is trying to convince me to tap-dance to everyone else’s tunes. I desire to live in the center of God’s will.
So I’m asking for help to make sure I do.
If you’re a woman who only offers to help, here’s the truth you most need to know:
You’re created to be a woman who also asks for help.
Today … and every day.
September 13, 2018
How to Find Your Decluttering Motivation Again
My friend Lyneta Smitth shares how to rediscover your decluttering motivation so you can live a clutter free life.
I flew home from a conference in 2016 with a signed copy of Clutter Free in my hands. By the time I landed in Nashville, I’d finished it and determined that from then on, I would give away or throw away five pieces of clutter per day.
Slowly my house turned from a haphazard dumping ground for all-the-things into an organized, functional home. My daily five, as I started to call the declutter routine, became habit. Eventually, after parting with thousands of items, it became difficult to find five each day.
During those two years, I started buying less and making do with what I had. I put a moratorium on scented candles because we have enough to burn until 2025, and created a strict makeup policy in which I could only buy more if I threw some away.
Needless to say, Kathi’s Clutter Free system has worked great. We were at a happy equilibrium, or so I thought.
Until the other night while I was cooking dinner.
The Hidden Decluttering Project
I had two spice-heavy recipes going at the same time. Each needed six or seven different spices and I was trying to measure them all without burning something.
My biggest problem was finding the spices I needed. I kept them in a storage tote in the pantry, which meant I had to pick each one up to see it. What should have taken five minutes took me fifteen.
I must have sighed a little too loudly or slammed the bin lid on a little too hard, because my husband came downstairs from our office and stood just outside the kitchen with only his head poking through the large arch door. “Is everything okay?”
“Yep. Great.” I might have pushed the pantry door closed with unnecessary force.
At this point, he was probably regretting asking his hranky (hungry and cranky—like hangry only with exhaustion added in) wife any sort of question, let alone implying that she might not be okay. But he bravely forged on like a man whose evening (and more importantly, dinner) was on the line.
“Everything sure smells good.”
I nudged the refrigerator door closed with my foot and carried an armful of salad veggies to the counter. “The spice bin is not working for me. It’s really dysfunctional. I need a real spice rack.”
Still hiding behind the wall to the side of the arch, he said, “Okay, let’s get one. You decide what you want, and I’ll build it for you.”
In case you’re wondering, I do realize I have a nicer husband than I deserve.
He was rewarded for his valiant effort with a little smile. And a big dinner.
The next day, after a good night’s sleep, I researched spice racks and ordered one from Amazon. Then I sorted through my bin to see what I could toss out before the big move. (Goodbye, mostly-full jar of coriander, dated 2012.)
I always joke that Clutter Free is the best marriage book I’ve ever read. But truly, learning to cull unneeded items and keep the ones I don’t need in cute containers has saved a lot of stress and frustration in our household.
Just like marriage, decluttering isn’t one and done. It’s a continual process of growth and tweaking. No matter where you are in your decluttering process, there’s always a next step.
How to Find Your Decluttering Motivation & Your Next Step
If you’re in a lull, or just don’t know how to figure out your next decluttering project, here’s a few questions to guide you.
What’s your biggest pain point?
Sometimes we get so busy, we don’t realize clutter is causing us extra stress. It’s become part of our home, like the furniture. As an empty nester, cooking isn’t as high of a priority for me, so I hadn’t realized how out of hand my spice situation was.
But when an urgent situation hits (like being late because you can’t find your keys or not finding that special, essential fall decoration in the attic) you realize it’s time to do something about a certain area.
Where do you waste the most time?
If it’s trying to find school-appropriate clothes in dressers jam-packed with swimsuits and tank tops, you already know your morning routine has way too much stress. Fifteen minutes a day (or one drawer at a time) can fast track getting your kids ready for school.
Or perhaps you’re like me, and you waste too much time searching for things in the kitchen, and spend too much money buying things you already have, but are hidden in the refrigerator or pantry. Tossing out all the outdated or unusable things (like the soy flour from your gluten-free phase six months ago) will save you time and cash.
Which area do you avoid?
Many of us have sewing rooms or other hobby areas we can’t create in because clutter is taking up too much space. Does your church’s preschool program need that can of buttons or leftover bag of pomp poms? Do you know a sewing 4-H leader who could use yards of practice fabric? It’s a win-win. You get more room to create something special, and bless others with your excess.
Another trouble spot is the garage. I can’t count how many times we’ve gone to buy a new sprinkler at the beginning of summer because we can’t find the one from last year. Same for bike tire pumps, canning jars and garden tools. When you realize you’re avoiding an area because clutter has made it dysfunctional, the decision about where to declutter next is easy.
Now That You’ve Figured Out Your Next Step…
What project are you going to tackle next? Let us know in the comments!
September 12, 2018
#321B How to Eat at Home Every Night: Save Time, Save Money, Save Your Sanity
Are you tired of trying to figure out “what’s for dinner” every night? Today Kathi is chatting with Tiffany King, the creator of Eat at Home meal plans where she shares recipes and cooking tips to help busy moms get dinner on the table.
In this episode you will learn:
practical meal tips from Kathi and Tiffany
how preparing meals at home can save your family time and money
how spending a little bit of time planning can free you up for the rest of the week
From September 12-19th Clutter Free Podcast listeners will get 30% off meal plans at Eat at Home and listeners can get the first 5 recipes from Tiffany’s cookbook here.
Plus, every weekday morning at 9:30 AM Pacific from September 12-19th, Kathi will be cooking one of Eat at Home’s wonderful meals on Facebook Live. Come get ideas about what to cook at that night!
Win a copy of Tiffany’s new cookbook!
Leave comment for your chance to win Eat at Home Tonight: 101 Simple Recipes for Busy Families
What is your favorite “I didn’t have time to cook, throw it together quick” recipe?
Thanks for Listening!
To share your thoughts:
• Leave a note in the comment section below.
• Share this show on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.
To help out the show:
• Leave an honest review on iTunes. Your ratings and reviews really help and I read each one.
• Subscribe on iTunes or subscribe now.
Special thanks to Tiffany for joining me this week!
Meet Our Guest
Tiffany King
Tiffany King has cooked over ten thousand meals for her husband and four kids. Her recipes have been developed in a real kitchen for her busy family and tested by millions of readers on her blog, Eat at Home. She also shares recipes and demonstrates cooking techniques on weekly live videos on her popular Facebook page. Over the years, she’s learned what works and what doesn’t for getting dinner on the table fast. When she’s not cooking, you can find her curled up with a library book.
Eat at Home’s mission is to encourage families to cook and eat at home together so they can leverage dinnertime to build a strong family.
#321B How to Eat at Home Every Night: Save Time, Save Money, Save Your Sanity
September 11, 2018
#321: When Good Enough Actually is Good Enough (Overcoming Perfectionism)
Kathi sits down with friend and coauthor, Cheri Gregory for the fourth and final time this month. Today we’re discussing the fourth of our four bullies that we talk about in “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard,” the things that keep us from doing the things that God has created us to do.
Cheri shares some personal stories about how she was able to move from being hyper focused on mistakes towards being able to actually enjoy accomplishments.
This is a great episode on how to identify perfectionism and what to do if you are a perfectionist or have one in your life.
In this Episode You Will Learn:
How to know if you suffer from perfectionism
The pain points for a perfectionist.
The three most important things you need to know if you are a perfectionist.
Grab a copy of You Don’t Have to Try So Hard-
Releases September 4, 2018
Ditch your feelings of inadequacy and finally come face-to-face with the bold, balanced woman God created you to be. Grab your copy from your favorite retailer and join our book club in September. All the details can be found here.
Downloads from this episode
The Three Most Important Things to Know if You are a Perfectionist
How to Know if you are a Perfectionist
Thanks for Listening!
To share your thoughts:
• Leave a note in the comment section below.
• Share this show on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.
To help out the show:
• Leave an honest review on iTunes. Your ratings and reviews really help and I read each one.
• Subscribe on iTunes or subscribe now.
Special thanks to Cheri for joining me this week!
Transcript
Read along to the podcast:
Kathi Lipp:
Welcome to Clutter-Free-Academy where our goal is to help you take small doable steps to live every day with less clutter and more life. Joining me today is my co-author on our new book “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard,” Cheri Gregory. Cheri welcome back for the final and fourth time this month to Clutter-Free-Academy!
Cheri Gregory:
Thank you!
Kathi:
We’re talking about perfectionism, and since you and I have overcome perfectionism perfectly, this will be actually a very fun one to talk about. This is the fourth of our four bullies that we talked about in “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard,” the things that keep us from doing the things that God has created us to do. I’m excited to jump in! We’ve got a little quiz on how to know if you’re a perfectionist:
Number one: When people cannot resist the urge to correct other peoples’ grammar without being asked.
Cheri:
Why does this bug you so much?
Kathi:
Because everybody does it to me. People are mean!
Cheri: It is so impertinent! I don’t think I’ve ever done it to you.
Kathi:
I don’t think you have either. I know you have come to me and said I’ve got a word in my post that I didn’t mean to, and by the way, my posts are getting much better. One way that people can come to you to say this is like, “Oh my goodness Kathi, I just saw your post and I loved it! I don’t know if you noticed there’s this one word that kind of changes the meaning of stuff, and if you’re fine with it, it I’m fine with it. But I just wanted you to be able to see that.” Because here’s the thing, I do have dyslexia. I don’t see it. Sometimes it is funny. But when the person who points it out is laughing and pointing it out just to say I’m an idiot, I’m not cool with that.
Cheri:
I think we see this in so many aspects where the only thing the person could think to comment on was the one thing that could be interpreted as an error, in which case they’re missing the point. That hyper focus on the one thing that’s wrong is a huge part of the definition of a perfectionist. Even if they’re right, it’s not the point.
Kathi:
If you just need a check mark to say that you’re right, show it to your husband or someone. I still think that’s evil.
Number two: You know you’re a perfectionist if ‘good enough’ is a dis. I really don’t understand this so Cheri, you’re going to have to explain it to me.
Cheri:
My goodness I’m doing much better with it now, but for the for the longest time when somebody would tell me to just keep working until it’s good enough, I would look at them blankly because the words good enough together were like an oxymoron. It’s either good, which is failing, or it’s enough, which means it’s A++, one hundred ten, twenty, thirty percent. The idea of putting those two concepts together just made no sense. Realizing that for most things that don’t involve the likes of open-heart surgery or morality or obeying God’s call. For many things in life that are matters of personal preference, the range for ‘good enough’ is really large. For example, there are many different ways to load a dishwasher correctly and effectively—I’ll use the word effectively—to effectively load a dishwasher so that the dishes get clean.
Kathi:
Could you explain this to Roger Lipp please? My husband? And my mom?
This is so interesting. One of my most popular blog posts ever is about HE laundry detergent. That stands for High Efficiency. So there was this blog post that was right next to mine that says why you should NEVER use HE laundry detergent and she said that you may think your clothes are getting clean, but they’re not. So I’m thinking, “What does my clothes getting clean mean?” When my clothes come out of the laundry, they do not smell bad and they look great. What magical thing am I missing? The blogger said that the clothes are not getting as clean as you think. I think they are! Nobody has ever told me I smell, and when I bring them out they smell great. But she wrote that she was very concerned that they were not getting as clean as they should, so I thought, “What is her definition of clean?” My definition of clean is the clothes don’t have stains and they smell good. They’re free of bad odors. But for a perfectionist, there’s some secret thing that we’re all missing.
Cheri:
That’s all totally fear driven. Let me guess…she had the answer and she’s willing to make you pay for it?
Kathi:
Exactly. She had to work really hard at that blog post to get us to the point where we believed that good enough wasn’t good enough.
Number Three: You know you’re a perfectionist if you’re always dissatisfied and can’t enjoy accomplishments, and other people feel like they are a disappointment.
Explain to me how you can’t enjoy your accomplishments.
Cheri:
I’m still working on this, but for the longest time if I did something that I’d prepared for, and let’s pretend 99.9% of that went well and one thing was a mistake, I would just hyper focus on that one mistake. We actually spoke together a year ago in Arizona and I made one little mistake that cost us some time with our slides. Five years ago I don’t think I would have actually been able to continue speaking—to actually get up on stage with you and speak! I would have been so consumed with the fact that I’d ruined it.
Kathi:
Here’s the crazy thing, I don’t remember what she’s talking about!
Cheri:
I love that. Actually it was the event coordinator who came up with the solution that allowed us to move forward. I learned to keep telling myself every time I thought about it and felt that way, I kept reminding myself that it didn’t matter. It was in the past. Women were listening to you, they were listening to me, and then afterwards I realized the best thing I could do rather than over apologize—which we talked about in our segment on people pleasing—is that I could just say thank you to her. And I could see that it was going to be as big a deal as I made it.
The classic perfectionist is so consumed by that one thing that went wrong, not a moral failure or letting anybody die or anything like that, I’m talking about a goof or a mistake. Learning to move beyond that is huge, and the person who’s stuck in perfectionism can’t even imagine what that would feel like. I’m finally at the point where I realized things may have gone wrong with a project or an event and I can still feel 100% satisfied.
That has been huge growth. I never would have imagined that was possible five years ago.
Kathi:
I love that.
Now let’s talk about the pain points for perfectionist.
Number one: there’s a lack of peace and rest and contentment.
Those three are not something that the perfectionist gets to experience on a regular basis.
Secondly, others feel like they can’t live up to their expectations.
Oh my word yes! I’m not a classic perfectionist but I’ve got the other three things in spades so I’m not beating my own chest, but I’m surrounded by perfectionists.
Cheri:
Here’s the thing about this, the classic perfectionist will assure other people by saying, “Oh I don’t hold you to the same high standards! I only hold myself to the high standards!” I won’t say it’s a lie, I’ll just say it’s a total lack of really having empathy for what other people are going through. If I’m listening to somebody trash themselves, I know they feel the same way about me when I fail.
Kathi:
And if I hear them trashing somebody else or themselves, then I know this is somebody that’s not safe—whether they are talking about themselves or other people.
Cheri:
And saying that saying I only hold myself up to that standard doesn’t control how other people feel. The other person feels they can’t possibly live up to your standard. If that’s how they feel, then just saying some words doesn’t cancel that out. It’s a lack of self-awareness about how bad perfectionism really is.
Kathi:
Because it doesn’t just affect you.
Number three: the perfectionist doesn’t take risks so they don’t grow.
Cheri, I have seen such growth in you, especially in speaking. Five years ago if I’d asked you to pop up on stage and talk about this you would have shot me dead. You are not a gun proponent, but you would have shot me dead. Now it doesn’t even occur to me that that might be a problem.
Cheri:
You did that to me twice last year and that was very fun!
It’s so interesting because a couple years ago my word for the year was ‘ask.’ I have a list of all the crazy things that I just felt God was impressing me to ask for. Sometimes it was asking for guidance, sometimes it was asking for help, and sometimes it was just ideas. Sometimes it was invitations—asking someone to do something with me. What I realized recently is that almost everything I’m doing right now in my life is as a direct result of taking those risks of asking people questions. They were yes or no questions and there was a huge risk of rejection. I have record of people who didn’t say no, but I also have record of some of the asks that turned into yeses. Then those yeses have turned into other things that have caused a lot of learning and a lot of growth now. That’s been amazing to be able to say that I’m going to focus on the part I can do, which is the ask. I can take the risk. And regardless even of the things that were turned into nos, there are still things I’ve learned from those. Taking risks is just part of life. It’s part of learning, part of growing, and realizing that the way humans learn on this planet involves failure.
Kathi:
That’s so true.
That that takes us into the three most important things you need to know if you are perfectionist.
Number one: On this planet humans learn by failing.
Cheri:
You taught me how to do that because you try things but you do them in a limited way. You’re going to throw the spaghetti on the wall. You’re going to say let’s try this for a short period of time in a small way. You don’t generally don’t do the huge fails, you’ll test things out. But watching you be willing to walk away from things that aren’t working without feeling terrible, without beating yourself up for it, and to be able to let go of things has helped me learn. Much the way you talk about letting go of physical clutter, you also let go of projects that didn’t work out the way you hoped, and you move forward to the next one.
Kathi:
I need to remember when I’m working with a team to say that we’re trying this out, and that if we fail it’s not that we’re not failures. It just means we tried something and it didn’t work the way we thought. Then either we abandon it because it doesn’t hurt anybody or what we do is we try it in a new form later on.
Kathi:
Number two: However hard we are on ourselves, we’re that hard on others.
We just talked about that. We need to accept grace before we can give it. There have been times when somebody tells me they’re an expert in something and I’m not seeing that, I can be very hard on them. I know it’s because I can be hard on myself in the areas where I say I’m really good at something. I need to be grace filled in those areas.
Number three: People connect through our imperfections.
Where have you found connection in your imperfections?
Cheri:
You know there’s going to be a balance. I don’t think either of us would be proponents of letting it all hang out. Raw is not the new real, vomit is not how to be vulnerable. However, I also think that the era is over of going to listen to the expert who parented perfectly, telling you about the ways to be as perfect as they are. I don’t know how to listen to people who have never made a mistake, because the more I listen to them the more defective I feel. It all seemed to have come easily to them. They automatically knew how to do everything.
You talk frequently about how you feel like sometimes people have the instruction manual for life and you didn’t get it. The people I have always resonated with are the people who in a curated way, not a way that abuses the audience, are able to stand up and share a part of their life in which they were broken. Or a way in which they had some kind of a failing, and then because of God’s love and grace they were able to grow and move forward with it. That gives so much hope. Donald Miller says that grace is the glue that binds us together. I just think that is so beautiful.
Kathi:
It’s so true. Once you’ve failed and people can say yes I’ve been there, I’ve done that, there’s an empathy and a sympathy there. It’s good to be able to say that we’re all growing and we’re all doing better.
I have a few friends who struggled with perfection, and recently I was talking to one of them about how we’ve cut back drastically on our soda consumption. We used to have it with lunch and dinner and in between, and now I probably have it once or twice a week. I’m proud of this because that was something that I did all the time, so in sharing this with her, she says, “Oh still once a week, huh?” Here’s the thing: I want to dissect that for a second because it absolutely comes from a place of loving me and wanting the best for me, but when there’s a lack of saying, “Yes you’ve come this far. I struggle with things too,” then it makes me not want to connect with people.
Cheri:
We’re back to the whole idea that they missed the point. They listened for the one thing to correct. Who felt better? It wasn’t you!
Kathi:
It wasn’t me!
Cheri:
This perfectionistic instinct to correct ends up making the perfectionist feel a little better for a temporary period of time, and then they miss what would be an opportunity to celebrate. This person could have probably pulled out a calculator and told you what percentage you had improved.
Kathi:
I’m thinking I’ve gone down by 95%.
Cheri:
That’s amazing!
Kathi:
Thank you Cheri. I know you don’t drink soda either and so you know, but you’re not saying, “Oh Kathi, that’s going to kill you.” Maybe it will, I don’t know, but it’s much more likely that the 95% more soda was going to kill me than this, so I want to take it as a victory and celebrate that.
The perfectionist who is not working on their perfectionism cannot celebrate the 95%.
That’s the heartbreaking part, because there’s so much to celebrate and when you miss the 95% and you’re waiting for the hundred, you’re going to miss a lot of opportunities to connect with people. Oh you guys, this is such good stuff!
The book is, “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard” by Kathi Lipp and Cheri Gregory, or by Cheri Gregory and Kathi Lipp—however you want to say it! The introduction is by our sweet friend Amy Carroll.
You have the opportunity to win this! Tell me in the comments what area of perfectionism are you battling with right now? or have you won the battle? That’s what I would love to hear. Share that with us and we’re going to enter you to win that “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard” gift set. I feel like this book is something special Cheri. I feel like we’ve given people a lot of freedom and a lot of tools to be able to live the life that is God’s design for them. It’s really exciting to me.
Cheri thanks for being on Clutter-Free-Academy
Cheri:
Thanks for having me! It’s been a pleasure.
Kathi:
You guys have hung out with us for four weeks. I mean, if this isn’t enough Cheri and Kathi, I don’t know what to do for you! Thank you so much.
Get the download of the three most important things you need to know if you are a procrastinator, struggle with performancism or people pleasing, and the three most important things to know if you’re dealing with one of those people. We’re giving you the keys to the kingdom!
You’ve been listening to Clutter-Free-Academy. I’m Kathi Lipp. Now go create the clutter free life you were always intended to live.
Meet Our Guest
Cheri Gregory
Cheri Gregory is a collaborator, teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer who loves helping women break free from destructive expectations. She writes and speaks from the conviction that “how to” works best in partnership with “heart, too.”
Cheri is the co-author, with Kathi Lipp, of Overwhelmed and You Don’t Have to Try So Hard. She’s also the co-host, with Amy Carroll, of the Grit ‘n’ Grace podcast.
Cheri has been “wife of my youth” to Daniel, her opposite personality, for 30 years and is “Mom” to Annemarie (27) and Jonathon (25), also opposite personalities.
Cheri blogs about personalities, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and mother-daughter relationships at CheriGregory.com and life as a Highly Sensitive Person at SensitiveAndStrong.com
#321: When Good Enough Actually is Good Enough (Overcoming Perfectionism)
September 10, 2018
One Simple Way You Can Prevent Procrastination
I’m not a procrastinator.
I’m a Driver personality, and I have the lists to prove it!
I am constantly in production mode: check. Check. CHECK!
You won’t catch me putting things off until later. I’m not a putter-offer. Nope, not me. I just wait until I’m ready to do certain tasks.
And some tasks require me to wait for weeks. Months. Even years.
Recognizing Procrastination in Hindsight
I can’t tell you how many projects I’ve started with great gusto, certain I’ll finish them in no time, only to have them drag on forever.
The project that forced me to recognize that I am an unintentional procrastinator was my MA degree. I started it in 2005 and should have easily graduated in 2007. But I didn’t get my diploma until 2013.
Why eight years to finish a 2-year degree?
For the longest time, I had a laundry list of reasons:
The big move from southern California to the central California coast.
The new job teaching ESL, which I’d never done before.
Both kids becoming teenagers.
Launching a speaking and writing ministry.
My mother’s decline into Alzheimer’s Disease.
And so on.
And so forth.
But in writing You Don’t Have to Try So Hard with Kathi, I recognized the real reason I failed to make progress on my MA for so many years. Every time I thought about working on my MA again, an overwhelming worry would paralyze me:
I don’t know what to do next!
Which is, of course, a statement of fear. But my #1 response to fear isn’t fight-or-flight.
My go-to fear reaction is to freeze.
And tell myself I’m just waiting until I’m ready.
The Problem With Putting Projects Aside
Here’s the thing: when I’m in the midst of working on a project, I do know my next steps. But then life happens, and I have to set it aside for a few days (or weeks or … you know the drill!)
By the time I pick the project back up again, I’ve forgotten where I was in the process. So, I have to spend hours and hours getting back up to speed before I can make a tiny step of progress.
And then, when I finally get some momentum going, life happens again.
Which means that the next time I have time, I’m going to have to spend hours and hours, again, figuring out where I was, only to move forward another little bit.
As a Driver, I don’t have that kind of patience.
I can’t keep doing the same things over and over again. I want to do things once and move on.
I have to see progress.
One Thing That’s Working
Right now, I’ve got multiple projects “in process,” and to keep myself from stalling out on any of them, I’m doing something startlingly simple.
When I’m done working on any particular project for the moment, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to pull it out next, I grab a Post-It Note.
On the Post-It, I write out my next 3 steps.
Then I tape it to the spine of my project binder, like this:
I use tape so the Post-It doesn’t fall off and get lost. I put it on the spine so I can see it at a glance.
When I need more details than I can write on a Post-It note, I type up the list, print it out, tuck it inside the binder, and tape a Post-It on the spine that says “1. Read notes in binder.”
I’ve been using this method for several years now, and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the results. It’s increased my project completion rate while lowering my stress.
The “Next 3 Steps on a Post-It Note” method can do the same for you.
One little Post-It note gives you confidence: I DO know what to do next!
It creates momentum: I AM ready right now!
And it means that when you have a pocket of time, you can pull out a project and make progress on the first item on the Post-It note.
Think of progress as the pin that pops the Procrastination balloon.
It’s not too late! Join us for the You Don’t Have to Try So Hard Book club and kick procrastination to the curb!
September 7, 2018
You Don’t Have to Try So Hard – Let Go of the Unreal Expectations and Find Freedom
You Don’t Have to Try So Hard – Let Go of the Unreal Expectations and Find Freedom
Have you struggled with perfectionism? How about the need to perform perfectly so that everyone thinks you’ve got it all together? Or, is people-pleasing kicking you in the can? Do you procrastinate until you are a stressed-out hot mess?
You are not alone. So many of us let the bullies of perfectionism, performancism, people-pleasing, and procrastination beat us up. Enough is enough. Cheri Gregory and I are thrilled to be able to announce the release of our book, “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard.” There is freedom to be found in Christ and we want to help you find it.
Check out this video of my conversation with coauthor Cheri Gregory:
You Don’t Have to Try So Hard – Let Go of the Unreal Expectations and Find Freedom
September 4, 2018
#320: How to Be Kind to Your Future Self and Overcome Procrastination Today
Have you ever had a big project that you just kept putting off? Or something in your life that just felt too big to tackle right now so you put it off and put it off for another time? Kathi sits down with friend and coauthor of “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard,” Cheri Gregory, to talk about emotional clutter and procrastination.
In this Episode You Will Know:
Why procrastination is actually considered a form of perfectionism.
How to know if you’re a procrastinator.
Why celebrating those small things is such a big deal.
The 3 most important things to know if you’re a procrastinator.
Join us for the You Don’t Have to Try so Hard Book Club!
If you’re committed to really ditching those crazy expectations you’ve put on your life, this book club is for you. We’ll be diving into the concepts of identifying and destroying those bullies that keep us in try-harder living rather than living our best life.
We’ll be holding the club on Facebook in our Private Clutter Free Academy group. It is the kindest corner of the internet, where there is no shame to our game. We’ll be exploring You Don’t Have to Try So Hard as a group from September 10 through October 22 and would love to have you join us. Click here to join today!
WIN A COPY OF YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRY SO HARD!
Comment below and be entered to win the You Don’t Have to Try So Hard gift pack from Harvest House which includes:
Gracelaced Planner
Simple Organizing
Holy Hustle
Unblinded Faith
You Don’t Have to Try So Hard
What is the one thing you are procrastinating on this week and the step you are going to take to get past it?
Thanks for Listening!
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Thank you to Cheri for joining me in today’s podcast! Join us next week as we talk about perfectionism.
Transcript
Kathi Lipp:
Welcome to Clutter Free Academy where our heart is to help you take small do-able steps to live every day with less Clutter and more life. These four weeks are all about the emotional clutter. But I’ll just say, of all the cluttering topics that we’re talking about, this is the one that’s going to lead you to the most physical clutter. Today we’re talking about the “p word”—procrastination—the hardest one of all. Here with me today is Cheri Gregory, co-author of “You Don’t Have to Try so Hard”. Welcome back to Clutter Free Academy, Cheri.
So Cheri, how has procrastination shown up in your life?
Cheri Gregory:
Thanks for having me. Of course I’m more of the classic perfectionist where I will kill myself to get things done, but the procrastination shows up when I feel like something is so overwhelming. The performance the part of me is all or nothing. I either have to do it amazingly or not at all, and so this procrastination is, “Well, right now I don’t have time to do it all and do it perfectly, thus I won’t do anything at all,” so I won’t even start unless I can keep it going. I know some of your people in Clutter Free Academy feel like they can’t start doing the physical decluttering if they can’t do it all at once, and so I know that that’s where some of your guidance with the blue tape and the fifteen minute time-boxing makes such a big difference for them.
Kathi:
I think that’s because they’ve started before and they haven’t finished. Then it’s been more of a mess than when they started, so that’s why we say in twenty minutes–fifteen minutes of de-cluttering and five minutes of putting away–it’s only going to look better. There’s another de-cluttering system out there that just makes me crazy because you’re supposed to de-clutter by putting everything in the middle of a room. Oh my goodness, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life! I hope it works for people but it does not work for me. I need to do short, small, doable bits, and the funny thing is, well the not so funny thing, is that you and I have both talked about this type of procrastination being the most socially acceptable. Perfectionistic people don’t see this as perfectionism. So it’s mental.
Cheri:
Right! I’ve actually spoken on this, and had women walk by later and say, “I’ve never thought of procrastination before as perfectionism!” But I think it’s the mindset of, “If I can’t do it right, I’m not going to do it at all. I’m not even going to get started!” So people are constantly putting off tasks until there’s a better time, or a better time they can do it right or they can do it perfectly. The problem with that is that the fear builds up. At least for me, if I put it off for three days, there must be a good reason. If I put it off for three weeks, it must be the biggest baddest monster that I can possibly imagine! Whereas, when we just get started, we shrink can it down to size.
You’ve probably told a few of those stories! You know, when a person tells a grand procrastination story and then says they pulled it off at the last possible moment—and the crowd goes wild! We love these stories! We think they’re just marvelous! The stories are funny and crowd-pleasing. But nobody ever says, “That’s so irresponsible! Why would you tell that story at a party?”
Kathi:
I grew up with a mom whose motto was, “I work better under pressure.” It took me a long time to figure out that no, she didn’t work better under pressure, she just worked. My mom was always busy, but when there was a deadline, and we’re all better with a deadline, she worked harder. That’s not a bad thing you know. I’m noticing as I’m doing more de-cluttering around my house, when I’m doing it with the mission of having people spend the night or something like that, of course I’m going to work harder. It’s more about understanding those little rewards those little goals that help us so much.
So, how do you know if you’re a procrastinator? Perhaps you are if you put off listening to this podcast for three weeks because you didn’t have time! But we all know if this is something we do.
But there are pain points. The number one for me for a long time was that I was always apologizing but nobody cared. People would think, “Yep, we know Kathi, we know you said you were going to do it and you didn’t do it on time.” My mom loves to tell the tale of the library fines I had, because it was always easier to find the library books later on. I was the worst! She says, “I can’t believe they didn’t have a ‘Most Wanted’ poster up there for you.”
I have many people who work for me. I’ve got some who are always on time, and I have some who are sometimes on time and not sometimes on time because things have come up, and then I have people who are always late. The people in the always-late category don’t stick around for very long because we can’t we can’t roll like that.
Cheri:
The second pain point is that you work on things that aren’t important to avoid the pain of difficult tasks. For example, when those of us who work at home on a book deadline find ourselves scrubbing the grout! It is amazing the things that suddenly look so appealing when we want to avoid the one thing that is terrifying us—the thing that we’re afraid of. I think it’s hard sometimes because I don’t recognize it as fear. Instead I’m telling myself that I don’t want to do that, I’m not in the mood today. Or I believe it’s icky. No, it’s fear. I’m afraid of some aspect of the work I’m avoiding, and it is easier for me to go do some other disgusting horrible task that I really don’t like and don’t want to do. That ought to be a sign, when we’re willing to do something we hate doing in order to avoid the other thing.
Kathi:
I see that all the time in myself sadly.
The third pain point is that either people think you’re unreliable, or you kill yourself on a regular basis at the last minute. I’d say I went from being unreliable to thinking, “I’m going to do this whether it kills me,” and let’s be clear, and it kills my husband, it kills my kids, it kills the people I care about because I have a high sense of responsibility now.
Cheri:
The problem is that when you’ve killed yourself and you’ve pulled it off, now you’re behind on the next things that need to be done, and it ends up being this endless cycle of being behind, which looks like procrastination. I think we are all willing to listen to people who have a crisis or an emergency, and at that point that’s a reason to be late or miss a deadline. People can be understanding of that. But when it becomes a pattern then it becomes just excuses.
Kathi:
Yes, and there have been times when all of us have gone through a really tough times in our lives, so please don’t think that we’re short on mercy. It’s the people who keep finding those tough times and using them for the reasons or excuses, and it’s gone on for months or years, that’s when we know.
Cheri:
I have created crises. I have almost knowingly gone without sleep eating too much sugar to get sick so that I could then suddenly cancel out of things or extend deadlines. I’m not above doing such things. I didn’t really intentionally do it in the moment, but in looking back I now see that I pulled a fast one on myself and thus everybody else there.
Kathi:
It’s a way of self-protection really.
What are the three most important things you need to know if you are a procrastinator?
Cheri:
Number one: You’ve got to learn to take care of your future self.
I love how you talk about this future self as being somebody that we need to be loyal to, rather than the immediate gratification. Because avoiding what feels scary in the moment feels fabulous now.
Kathi:
I will say this, my ankle has been hurting quite a bit recently and I’ve been talking about taking care of my future self. I’ve been going to the gym, I’ve been doing long walks, and my ankle has been in pain. At first I thought it was a spider bite because there were two little pinpricks in there. Then I thought it was gout and that I just needed to hustle. I need to do more. It turns out that I have a fractured ankle. So be smart about your future self. Your future self also doesn’t want to be crippled. It’s always a balance of what we need to do today to prepare for the future, but also I need to take care of myself today. So live in that balance and constantly ask yourselves if you’re doing the right thing for today’s self, and for future self. Sometimes you get to just have a break, and it’s okay. You can eat a granola bar and watch an episode of “Gilmore Girls.” That’s OK because that’s restorative and soul filling. But most of the time what we need to be doing is taking care of the things that would be so much easier to put off because they’re hard or scary we don’t want to do them.
Cheri:
Number two: Take the next micro step.
One of the things we’ve been learning over the last few years together is that we would put things on our list and they would just be too big and that was part of what made it so scary. I’m doing better with procrastination these days because all I have to do is look at it and read it and think about it. I don’t have to do it, I don’t have to fix that, I don’t have to do research. I just need to start wrapping my brain around it, and start giving myself permission to just take that first little micro step. What’s astonishing is that when I’d pushed something off until the very last minute, usually I ended up doing a very poor job. I’m not one of those who pulls it off at the last minute very well because generally the projects are more complicated than I thought, they need more research, or there are people I need to talk to who aren’t accessible at two thirty in the morning. But now, if I can at least get started. If I can at least begin by attempting to understand what the project is about, or who I might need to involve, and what questions I might have it helps. Another really good thing about taking those first micro steps is just knowing what questions I might have, and even jotting those down. That’s not a particularly scary thing to do. I don’t have to have a perfect end result. But oh my goodness, it gets the ball rolling and gets some momentum happening. For so many of us who deal with procrastination, once that obstacle of starting is out of the way, then we can keep it going. It’s the big bad beginning that can just be so overwhelming. Micro steps are the answer to that.
Kathi:
And if you are working on a team, procrastination is about the worst thing that you can do. What you’re doing is that you’re asking everybody to constantly be a hero for you, and people are tired of rescuing over and over and over. There are some people who get off on it, but then you end up owing them all the time and nobody wants to live like that. So the earlier I can do something, the less scary it can be, and the more imaginary obstacles I can remove. When we’re looking at a project we either are the total optimists, thinking this is just going to be so easy, and that we think that way. We’re almost scared to start it because we don’t know what the obstacles are going to be. Then we start imagining all the crazy stuff that could happen, so whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist the reward is procrastination. But it’s only a temporary reward. Don’t you feel terrible while you’re procrastinating? Thinking all the while you know you should be doing this.
Cheri:
My conscience goes crazy!
One of the things I have learned over the last years is to start asking myself what my procrastination is trying to protect me from. In my case, it’s often trying to protect me from devoting too much time. My old perfectionistic self would say,” I’m just going to work. I’m going to work and work and work as hard as I can for long as it takes.” I’ve started to recognize when procrastination is actually kind of being friendly towards me, it’s trying to help me cut things down to size. The problem with using procrastination to do that is that I just waste time. I fritter my time away and then there’s only three hours left, so now the task takes three hours. What I’m trying to learn to do is when I feel like procrastinating, which means I was probably about to devote ten hours to a two hour task, is to give myself permission to only take two or maybe three hours maximum, and I’m going to call that good enough. Then I can do whatever I want with that time. I can relax. I can rest. I can go take a walk and spend time with my family. I can watch “Gilmore Girls.” That’s actually been a really interesting little experiment for me to sometimes look at the procrastination as a potentially friendly force that I need to listen to. What is it trying to do for me? In my case it’s trying to curate.
Kathi:
So you can view procrastination as protection.
Cheri:
Yes. Protection from my crazed performance-istic and perfectionist self.
Kathi:
I love that.
Finally, number three: Accountability.
You and I do this big time. It’s good to be able to say when I can feel myself procrastinating and to be able to say what I want to do and when I need to get it done. Michele Cushatt and I text each other every single morning. We tell each other what we’re writing that day because it would be so easy without that accountability to just think that since nobody is going to know I’m not writing, then the only person I’m hurting is myself. That is the worst sentence in the world by the way—that the only person I’m hurting is myself. Why would that be OK?
How do you use accountability in your life Cheri?
Cheri:
You know from working with me all these years that I am a social learner, so collaboration and cooperation are so important to me. Knowing that I’m stewarding not just my time, which should be important to me, but knowing that I’m responsible for these collaborative projects where what I do or don’t do affects somebody else’s ability to be who God created them to be gives me an extra sense of responsibility. It’s not an oppressive sense of responsibility, it’s exciting. It’s OK. Part of what I’ve realized is that I do need constant feedback, and then I’m less likely to procrastinate. For example, for my writing I have writing coach. The moment I have a draft, no matter how bad it is, I send it off to her. Knowing I’m going to hear back from her in a few days—not months or weeks—keeps me writing. I need the instant gratification of accountability.
It keeps me from feeling like nobody cares or it doesn’t matter to anybody in the world whether or not I meet my deadline. It does matter.
Kathi:
It really does. One of the things that has helped me with accountability are the opportunities that I want. I have to be good about going after them and it’s scary and to say, “ Hey, I’m doing a brave thing and I need you to pray for me, I need you to encourage me, I need you to be ridiculously cheering for me, because this is hard for me.” That helps me to not put things off. I’ve got one of those opportunities right now. I need to apply to be a speaker at something and I’m scared. I’m scared of rejection and so to be able to put my best foot forward and be okay with this I need somebody to cheer me on, and it’s been huge for me to ask for this kind of help and accountability.
Now I want to know, what is the thing that you are procrastinating on this week? We all do it. And what’s the step you’re going to take? Is it micro steps? Is it needing to understand that you’re taking care of your future self? Do you need to ask a friend for some help? Tell us the thing you’re scared of and the step you’re going to take so you won’t procrastinate, and we will enter you in to win the “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard” gift basket. There are amazing books that will help you get on the path to doing what you want to do. Go comment over on the podcast page. Cheri, thanks so much for being with me again today!
Cheri:
Thanks for having me!
Kathi:
Next time we’re talking about the mother of all perfectionistic traits. We’re talking about perfectionism itself. I know it’s so scary, but that’s OK, we’ll hold each other’s hands and we’ll be accountable. Thank you for joining us. You’ve been listening to Clutter Free Academy. I’m Kathi Lipp. Now go create the Clutter Free life you were always intended to live.
Meet Our Guest
Cheri Gregory
Cheri Gregory is a teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer. Her passion is helping women break free from destructive expectations. She writes and speaks from the conviction that “how to” works best in partnership with “heart, too.” Cheri is the co-author, with Kathi Lipp, of The Cure for the “Perfect” Life and Overwhelmed.
Cheri has been “wife of my youth” to Daniel, her opposite personality, for twenty-eight years and is “Mom” to Annemarie (25) and Jonathon (23), also opposite personalities.
Cheri blogs about perfectionism, people-pleasing, highly sensitive people, and hope at www.cherigregory.com.
#320: How to Be Kind to Your Future Self and Overcome Procrastination Today
September 3, 2018
12 Ways Perfectionism is a Lot Like My Dog
Today my friend and coauthor Cheri Gregory shares how Perfectionism is a lot like her Dog.
“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” — Mark Twain
When our first book released, Kathi and I discovered that women tended to have opposite reactions to it.
Some insisted, “Oh, I don’t need this book! I’m not a Perfectionist!”
Others demanded, “Why would I need this book? Are you implying there’s something wrong with Perfection?”
Either way, they took Perfectionism very, very seriously.
We agree that it’s a weighty problem. But we also know that humor can lighten our hearts when we’re dealing with heavy issues. Sometimes, what you need most is a serious dose of silly.
So here, for your edification and entertainment, are a dozen characteristics that the four Bullies of Try-Harder Living — Perfectionism and his three accomplices People-Pleasing, Performancism, and Procrastination — have in common with my dog, Shatzi:
They’re sneaky.
Shatzi spends half her day inching into the kitchen so she can lick the floor. The bullies, too, are watching—always watching—so they can sneak somewhere they don’t belong.
They’re thieves.
When I get distracted, Shatzi dashes upstairs and eats all the cat food. The bullies are experts at seizing one moment of vulnerability to strike fast and strike hard.
They’re relentless.
Once a reinforcement error has occurred (see #2), it takes days, weeks, even months to re-train Shatzi. The bullies also assume that if you’ve given them free rein once, you’ll let them have it again; they just need to keep trying.
They leave messes for me to clean up.
I know I’m biased, but I think Shatzi is beautiful. And when she’s groomed all gorgeous, I forget about the piles she leaves all over the back yard that I have to shovel. When the bullies are on their best behavior, they look lovely, too: Perfectionism looks like excellence; People-Pleasing looks like service; Performancism looks like productivity; Procrastination looks like peace. Only when we look behind them do we see the mountains of mess they’ve left for us.
They make me lose my mind.
When Shatzi goes on a barking jag, I lose my mind. She knows that all she has to do is stand in the middle of the yard and bark at nothing, and I’ll open the door to let her inside. Same goes for the bullies. When they start yelling inside my head, I’ll do anything — ANYTHING — to quiet them down.
They shed like crazy.
Shatzi has three layers of fur; she doesn’t “shed” so much as disintegrate. Daily. Her hair is everywhere. We’ve opened brand-new cartons of ice cream only to find Shatzi fur already inside. Even when she’s nowhere in sight, she leaves evidence of her presence. Ditto with the bullies — they just shed fear, frustration, and futility instead of fur.
They love distractions.
Shatzi has zero attention span. She’s like the dog on UP: “Squirrel!” She’s here. She’s there. She’s anywhere but here and now. The bullies run back to the past, “Why on earth did you…?!?” and dash ahead to the future, “What will you do if…?!?” never wanting you to focus on the only thing that’s real: this present moment.
They bark more than they bite.
Shatzi barks ferociously at any unknown source of danger…as long as it keeps its distance. But as soon as anyone comes close, she tucks her tail between her legs. The bullies look and sound all big and bad until you approach them with the truth; then, they cower and whine.
They take me for a walk.
I had to quit jogging with Shatzi because I hate any form of exercise she’s a yanker. We don’t refer to “walking the dog” in our family; we talk about “being walked by the dog.” The bullies love to take the lead in our lives; to drag us along at their pace where they want to go.
They’re controlling.
When Shatzi lays across my lap, she acts all warm and cuddly. But after a while, when I need to get things done? She becomes dead weight and won’t let me go. The bullies give me an initial feeling of comfort but r-e-s-i-s-t when I try to leave them behind.
They’re costly.
Shatzi has cost me more time and money than I will admit. So have the bullies. But unlike my loyal furry family member, they aren’t worth a second of my time or a single dime.
So.
The next time Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, Performancism, or Procrastination show up looking adorable and holding a leash in their mouth?
Recognize that they plan to use it on you.
Tell them, “Bad bully! No biscuit!”
And always remember:
“A merry heart does good, like a medicine”
Proverbs 17:22a (NKJV)
P.S. While I no longer have Shatzi, the lessons she taught me remain.
Break Through a Perfectionist Personality With Our New Book Club!
Kathi Lipp and Cheri Gregory have a new book available for pre-order now. You Don’t Have to Try So Hard will enable you to break free from the bullies of perfectionism, performancism, people-pleasing, and procrastination.
Click HERE to find out more and to sign up for the Book Club so you can find freedom from a perfectionist personality.
