Tori Ross's Blog, page 16

The Good News and the Bad News

If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I tried this new thing that Amazon rolled out called Kindle Vella. Basically, I was scrolling through my Insta feed a couple of weeks ago and saw someone post about Vella. I looked into it and thought in my stupid head, “Hey, that may be a great way to get my name out there.”

Because I’m a fucking moron.

The rules say that the first three episodes of a story are free on Vella. Readers will then buy tokens to unlock more episodes of that story. Amazon even has this nice little package system that allows them to purchase tokens in the package they’ll need at reasonable prices.I’d been kicking around the idea of an erotica novella for a little while, but got sidetracked writing “Arson.” But alas, I see where I can get into the episode serial writing craze (like Wattpad and Radish) by jumping on Amazon’s product pre-launch.

I think, “Sounds good. I should get in on this before launch day so I can be on the ground floor.”

Do you know what goes through a writer’s head when they write a 35k word novella in thirteen days including running it through editing software and corrections? (For the non-authors out there, it’s about half of a full length book in less than two weeks.)

My first thought was, “I can do this.”

Followed by me getting a couple of episodes done and thinking:

I had days that I couldn’t write due to scheduling, and other days were 6k word days. To put that into perspective, a certain mega horror writer writes around 6k a day. I’m not him by a long shot, but I have a distinct advantage. He creates worlds and major plots. I write about people fucking. Once I get going, it’s pretty easy to keep going.

Then, this happened around episode 6. By the way, it’s hard to sneak actual character development into an erotica novel.

I also felt a little like…

Somewhere around episode 9, I even thought about sitting down to write more episodes and felt like…

Ya’ll, those 3k to 6k word days get harder and harder the more you do them. Finally, I published the last episode earlier this week and felt like…

Now the million-dollar question. What did I get for my work?

How many of you out there started reading this post and thought, “What the fuck is Vella?”

Amazon did a VERY soft launch on this.

#1- It’s only available on Apple products on the Kindle app OR you can go to the website and read from there. It’s not on Kindles yet. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to explain that to my friends that have Kindles? I can almost hear them thinking, “So let me get this straight. Amazon rolled out a reading platform that isn’t available on their own devices?”

Yes. That’s correct.

#2-Searchability-If you go to the website, there’s nothing that indicates Vella exists. There’s no menu or icon for it. You have to know what/who you’re looking for. That means, as Vella authors, we have to do the marketing and get the info out for Amazon that their platform for serials exists. There’s no searchability at all. When you DO manage to go through the wardrobe and find the magical kingdom of Narnia/Vella, there’s no author search or tag search. I got to pick seven tags to describe my work. There are no keyword search bars. Sure, they give you a list of popular tags to choose from, but there’s no way to search for “threesomes” and “ffm.” And come on, people search for those. All. The. Time.

#3- It gets better for authors, and I say that with full sarcasm. The first episodes are free. We knew that going in. However, Amazon decided to offer readers 200 free tokens for free as part of the launch. (This was not in the original terms, but was added a couple of days before launch.) Guess how many tokens it takes to read my Vella?

233

Remember folks, Amazon has done very little marketing and uses the authors on the platform to drive people to Vella. So…we drive people to our Vella stories, and those readers use their free tokens for OUR stories, and then they get the fuck out of Vella. If someone comes out to look at my story, specifically, I only get 33 tokens worth of royalties if they’ve never used their free tokens before and finish the entire story.

That works out to about seventeen cents.

Oh, yes. There’s still more.

#4- People have gone out and found me. They’ve liked my work. I have 11 episodes out. Every reader gets a favorite crown that they get to give out to the story they liked most that week. I even got a crown. IT DIDN’T MOVE ME UP IN THE RANKINGS. My story is still buried 5 pages back in the erotica section, and people with 2 episodes, zero likes and no favorite crown are on the front page. How???? What is the algorithm? Is there one?

Where am I going with all of this?

I finished the story. Per Amazon, I have to wait for the story to be finished for thirty days, then I can put it on KU. I realize that things could turn around on Vella, and Amazon could fix the issues. However, I’m not willing to wait around for 6 months for that to happen when I can be making actual royalties elsewhere.

Look for “The Caretaker” on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited coming in late August. Because there’s nothing like releasing two books within about thirty days of each other.

Further proof that I’m out of my damn mind.

Ice Planet Barbarians

Author: Ruby Dixon

Published: April 3, 2015 by Ruby Dixon

HEA: yes

Cheating: I don’t think he’d know what that is

Wet Panty Meter: 4. I’ll go 4 on this one.

Review: Somewhere, in some bar, there’s a person with their head on the bar and slurring their speech to the bartender. They’re saying, “I used to have it, man. I used to be able to identify big authors and works that would make the company money. But, I passed on it. I passed on the blue alien porn. It was the penis horn that did it, man. I didn’t think readers would like the penis horn,” he (or she) says while shaking their head. “I passed on sheer genius. Just put me down next to the asshole that passed on Harry Potter.”

Newsflash: Penis horns are in. Apparently, they can rub the clit from the front and the butthole from the back. Ruby Dixon found an entirely untapped market, and is probably somewhere looking at her bank statement laughing and murmuring, “Fuck you for not liking my peen horn idea!”

Legend has it that Ruby Dixon is a pen name for an author that traditionally publishes with a publishing company. However, when she ran the idea for this book past the powers that be, the publisher rejected it. She made up a pen name and self-published it to…..crickets. At least for awhile. Someone found it on TikTok, and people started gobbling it up like it was candy. True or not, this book is self-published.

Picture it- I’m having dinner at my friend’s house. She calls her sister and mentions to her sister that I’m over having dinner. Her sister, who knows I’m the smutty book lady, then says, “Tell her to read and review Ice Planet Barbarians. She needs to review it for her blog.”

She also said something about wanting credit for pointing it out…so here you go, Allison.

I did some research. I checked out the TikToks on it. If nothing else, this book got me on TikTok and started the hilarious process of a middle-aged woman figuring out TikTok, but that’s a different blog.

I went over to GR and Amazon to book stalk it. There are THOUSANDS of reviews for this thing. Only a small percentage of readers take the time to review books. If there are thousands of reviews, this book is big shit popping.

So I pick it up off of Kindle Unlimited.

It’s a damn quick read at only 188 pages, but let’s really dig into this.

First, there’s our female MC, Georgie. She’s 22 and taken by aliens in the middle of the night along with a few other women. These aren’t nice aliens by any means. They’re a bit rapey, and there should be a trigger warning on this book for any victims of sexual assault. They also don’t feed the ladies the best, and it looks like they collected the women for some type of interstellar sex trafficking. They’re big douche nozzles.

Something happens, and the aliens need to dump their cargo, so they dump the women on a planet the women describe as Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. Commence Georgie being voted designated leader and going out into the frigid snow to see if she can find help. She’s probably voted the leader because Georgie, for a female heroine in a romance novel, actually has her shit together.

This is where it gets good. She meets Vektal, our male MC, who is blue, ridged in strategic places and really likes saying hello to Georgie when they first meet. Apparently, eating pussy is like a totally fine greeting in his culture.

I won’t spoil the book by telling you word for word what happens in the middle and end. Let’s just say that Vektal is the chief of a man-heavy tribe without female mates but with lots of furs. Georgie just happens to have some hot 22-year-old friends back at the ship that need warm coverings. Ya dig?

I loved the sex scenes. They were smoking hot even if there were 2 humans involved. Throw in one of the partners having a ridged penis and a penis horn, and the entire scene evolves into the reader thinking, “I wonder what that feels like?”

There were a few moments that made me wonder what the heck was happening. For example, they can all understand each other’s languages at the end of the book. The explanation on that was a bit..???

All in all, this book was F.U.N. I get why there’s such a huge following for it. There are over 20 books in the series, so she must have really had some great feedback on her crotch horn book. The good news with that is that, if you like it, you can read the series for the next couple of years straight.

Ruby Dixon will probably keep writing more and more of these until the money horse dies. Under current law, at least for US authors, her grandchildren will be able to collect royalties for 70 years after her death. They’ll come into this world screaming and blinded by strange light as a woman coos above the children saying, “You’re set, kid. Grandma made asstons of money writing about blue dick.”

Good for her. Slow clap, Ruby.

Open Lanes

Author: Mary Morano

Published: July 1, 2021

HEA: Yes

Cheating: No

Wet Panty Meter: You will need 2 changes of panties while reading this book.

Review: I’m a shitty street team member. For those of you that have no idea what that is, a street team is a group of readers, reviewers and bloggers that promote and read an advanced copy of the book. We then go out to Goodreads and Amazon (day of release) and leave reviews all while flooding our social media pages with fun edits of this book.

I suck at it. Seriously. I was on this book’s street team. I didn’t get to the ARC because I got sucked down a rabbit hole of writing my own book (more on that to come.) I was so busy, I couldn’t even remember if I signed up for just promotion or the ARC read. Then, I was too embarrassed a few days before release day to be the idiot going, “Uh. Did I sign up to read this?” I was also trying to finish up the school year and get ready for a vacation that ended up being canceled. Needless to say, June sucked, and there are no Hallmark cards for “I didn’t read your book like I was supposed to.”

I’m hoping that I can make it up to Mary Morano. I did read this book. I just read it July 1st as soon as it hit Kindle Unlimited. KU pays authors per page read, so I figured that the least I could do for sucking at street team club was to go out and grab it off of KU so she gets her half a penny per page or whatever it is this month.

Anywho, I was not disappointed when I read it.

First, it’s an easy read. It’s short and the words flow well off of the page. You know how I like easy reads with romance books. It’s supposed to be a fun genre, so if it’s choppy or has a lexile close to a college history textbook, I’m not going to like it. Not a problem here. This is a great, relaxing read.

We have Brayden. He’s a star hockey player at a college in Maine, and he’s in love with Nicole. At least, I think he’s in love with her. He honestly treated her like shit all of middle school and high school before trying kindness again in college. To be honest, that’s the only part of the book I didn’t like. I don’t think it’s a great idea to glorify men treating women like shit as “He just likes you.” I know Morano must have been thinking that too, because there’s even a paragraph dedicated to that.

But that shit treatment because he “liked her” is still there. Sure, he apologized, but come on. Guys, if you like women and care about them, you treat them nicely. Period.

To be honest, I couldn’t get over it in the story, but let me move on to the good stuff for this book. There is a LOT of good stuff here.

The romance is hella sweet. There’s a bit of tension, because she really doesn’t like him. But there’s some fun moments too. The premise of the book is that Nicole’s recent ex-boyfriend left her at the side of the road on her way home to the airport to go home for the summer, and Brayden swoops in. She falls asleep in the car and he just keeps driving by the airport, which soundds a little kidnapperish and like he’s treating her like a child, but I moved along. He had his reasons and they were explained in the book. I feel like the author was very in tune with how he sounded.

Commence fun road trip shennanigans while driving from Maine to Florida. As a former travel buff, I loved hearing about the fun stops. I say former because I’ve been a lot of places…Italy, Scotland, Belize, Australia, Cuba, New Zealand, all over the US, several islands in the Carribean…you get my point. I’m just getting to the point where I’m content to sit at home in my favorite chair and read a book. In fact, I’ve reached the age where my travel rules involve only going somewhere Southwest Airlines goes on a direct flight.

But I digress again.

It was nice to see a lot of fun road trip destinations out east and hear about them. In fact, this book makes me want to check out Salem, MA.

The sex scene is a slow burn happening at close to the end of the book. So be prepared for that. Honestly, it wasn’t a problem for me because the story was strong, the sexual tension of will they/won’t they was good, and I respected the storyline in this one. I thought the author had great pacing to set up the tension and love scenes.

All in all, a great fun read for a summer road trip.

The Jumping Virgin

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been as active on here as I have been in the past.

Remember how I said I’d only put books on this blog that I really enjoyed? It’s been a bit harder to enjoy some books lately because of a phenomenon I call “The Jumping Virgin.”

Case in point. I picked up a book last week and started reading it. It was amazing, and I had actually started drafting a blog post for it. I mean, I was ready to praise this book like it was written by Mark fucking Twain.

But alas, at 40%, it got me. She jumped out onto the page like a cheap weed dealer from behind a tree at a middle school.

A fucking virgin. Another female fucking virgin main character.

You know the type. She talks about her “V card being punched” and talks about how much she wants this guy to be her first. Ironically, it’s usually a guy who has been around the block more than the ice cream truck, but she’s this “pure and innocent” piece that he’s been lustfully eyeing for 10 years.

Many times, the relationship between the two mains happened a long time ago, and she has literally saved herself for his return to their small town. Several books have even gone on to say that she lost her virginity to him 10 years ago and hasn’t been with anyone since.

So let me ask you. Is it remotely believable that a woman, who is utterly gorgeous and not at all religious, is a virgin? I mean, if she were super religious or something, I’d even get it.

Yeah. If I’m reading a regency romance about a woman in the 1600s, I expect the woman to be a virgin. This is partly because most women of that time were 17 when they got married. If it’s a college romance about an 18-year-old, there’s an ok chance she’s a virgin.

But really? A grown ass woman?

I’ve even forgiven some of the virgin romances I’ve reviewed for this blog. Some, like Krish, had the virginity as an important plot point and were so well-written that the virginity wasn’t intolerable.

But the vast majority of “jumping virgin” books I’ve found lately have no reason to have the main character be a virgin except for perpetuating the perception of the innocent female and the male that can do whatever he wants without any consequence.

It’s such an incredibly sexist and old-fashioned view that it actually makes me want to toss the book across the room frisbee-style in frustration as soon as I get there. I can’t do this though. I’m a person that HAS to finish a book when I start one.

So there I suffer with 60% of a book left where I have to listen about how our female MC has done such a great job securing her hymen just so the dude who is constantly getting his dick sucked by the “horrid non-virgins” of the world can fall in love with our girl. Yes, she’s a valiant heroine that has managed to secure her hymen just to become a billionaire’s admin assistant and give it up to him on his desk.

Let’s talk about non-virgins vs. virgins. When I read books that glorify the female MCs virginity, what does that tell us about non-virgins? Are women in romance books that know their way around a dick not strong characters compared to women who are 30 and have never seen a penis up close? It’s an old patriarchal way of thinking that virginity is the ultimate gift a woman can give.

It needs to fucking go.

I guess I just come from a different school of thought. I’d rather have my characters know what the hell they’re doing in the bedroom and ask for it rather than curl up and have the big strong man wax poetic with his “I’ll take it slow for you, baby” bullshit.

But then again…

Foreplay on Words

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Author: E.L. Koslo

Published: May 27, 2021 by Cherry Publishing

Length: 418 pages according to Amazon. This is very long for a romance novel. This is not a quick read. Fair warning.

HEA: yes

Cheating: no

Wet Panty Meter: If you’re in to BDSM, just go get all new underwear. I gave up trying to count the sex scenes.

Review:

This was a fun surprise. Chase, is a romance author. She’s assigned to help the publishing company’s successful thriller/suspense author, Evan, write some sex scenes for his new novel. He’s a great author, he just has trouble with steamy scenes.

There’s a lot of cute banter at the beginning of their relationship and they work out the steamy scenes. Then, they decide to collaborate and write a bdsm project together. Well, readers can surmise that they start to like each other during their education into the dom/sub world.

Enter funny scenes and a funny safe-word. (Hint…it’s based on the Barbie song from the 90s.)

These funny scenes and Evan’s nervousness about his “lessons” add to the story and make the characters likeable and add some steamy bedroom scenes into the middle of the book where most contemporary romance books start to drag. For example, a lot of romance books have the cute meet within the first 20 percent. Then you have the first sex at usually 40-50, then dead air unless there is some type of problem or plot.

This book just has tons and tons of kinky shit built into the middle.

You have some interesting side characters that help them learn about the BDSM lifestyle, and it’s obvious that the author did a bit of research into the dom/sub world because there’s a lot of introduction to some of the more…uncomfortable toys and their uses.

You have a BDSM event the couple goes to…

You have some relationship interaction that’s pretty racy. If there was no romance aspect of this book, it could easily be classified as erotica. But alas, Chase and Evan are “relationship goals.”

I read a lot of romance books. Tons. However, this one probably has the most sex scenes of any other romance book I’ve read. Nothing is off the table for this book. In fact, there are places were there is some type of sex in every chapter. This makes it long.

This is not a book that you can read in an hour on a Saturday night. I read one paper-bound book and 1 book on my Kindle at any given time. I got through Andy Weir’s “Project Hail Mary” before I got through this one, and I started both at the same time.

As enjoyable as it is, I feel like I need to warn about the length because some people really look for a quickie.

All in all, I was hooked by Chapter 3 on this. It’s a cute romance. It’s got some heavy sex scenes with some kink as well as some past obstacles to overcome.

Read it.

Padded and Bought Reviews

I was recently approached by a PA service to review a book coming out from a publisher in June. Let’s talk about if for a bit.

I’m not going to name the book because I don’t wish to out an author, even if she’s not an indie author, she’s still attached to a very small publisher.

She wrote a romance book that I burned through in about an hour. It’s a quick read, and that usually makes me happy. I should like it right?

This book was an absolute fucking dumpster fire, and how a publisher picked it up, I don’t know. They should be embarrassed. Whomever edited this book should be fired. There were plot inconsistencies that weren’t checked, timeline issues that weren’t corrected, a completely unlikeable female character and chapters that were literally a paragraph long. A paragraph is not a chapter. The female MC was so unlikeable, that I found myself cheering for the mafia leader.

Guess what I rated it on GR? A 3. I still gave it a 3 because I can recognize that nobody wants their work eviscerated. I was trying to be a nice person.

Then, what to wondering eyes doth appear? The author reviewed her work on GR, not once, but twice. There were only 4 reviews out there and 2 were from the author, so that’s why it had a high rating. Apparently, she has 2 accounts. I get authors rating their own work on GR. A lot of authors do it, and I’ll probably do it once on my own book when it’s released and thank people for reading it. But do not come at me wanting me to read your book when you have to pad your own reviews with your own accounts you’ve made to pad your reviews. I’m actually furious about this. It’s no different than paying for reviews. If you do that shit, at least be smart enough to change your name.

DO NOT ASK ME TO REVIEW WORK WHERE YOU PAY FOR REVIEWS OR PAD YOUR OWN REVIEWS WITH MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS YOU MADE. I DO NOT ACCEPT PAYMENT FOR REVIEWS. I DO NOT RESPECT AUTHORS THAT MAKE DUPLICATE ACCOUNTS AND REVIEW THEIR OWN WORK MORE THAN ONCE.

Do you know how hard good Indie and small press authors work to get real and organic reviews? They hustle like fuck, and I will not cater to someone or promote someone trying to move up rankings or appear more successful than they are.

I will not be so kind next time, and will out you. Right now, I’m going to tell the PA company that I will not review that work nor promote it on my social media. Get the fuck out with that.

The Candidate

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Author: T.L. Quinn

Published: June 15, 2021 COMING SOON on Amazon!

HEA: yes

Cheating: not in the traditional sense of the word

Tropes: Rivals to lovers, employer/employee

Wet Panty Meter: 2-3 – You will need 2-3 pairs of panties reading this book

Review: Where to start on this one. I loved it. It wouldn’t be on this blog if I didn’t. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to take on books I don’t like on this blog. Until I figure it out, I’m going to only use this as a promotional tool to help Indie authors when I love their books.

What I found refreshing about this one, is that the female is the employer and the male M/C is the employee. This is reversed in most romance books from the last few years. It’s been a whole lot of male billionaires with 6 packs and huge cocks falling in love with their secretaries who live in shit hole apartments and are virgins.

Not so with this romance. (Although please enjoy Jamie Dornan GIF above. I needed to throw that one in. Whatever you think of FSOG, you can’t deny that on point casting.)

In “The Candidate,” we’re looking at a smart, capable woman running for a US House of Representatives seat, and she just happens to employ a dude named Decker as a bodyguard. You know I’m a stickler for originality. The fact that you had a female alpha MC in the character of Ev (not to be confused with the below mention of Evan) helped turn the employee/employer schtick on its ear. It was refreshing to see a female worried about the press finding out about her employee versus the other way around.

Ok. So the boss likes her bodyguard.

The problem is that our female MC’s campaign manager, Molly, has other plans. She says our girl needs to have a properly vetted boyfriend or voters won’t trust her. Properly vetted apparently means some type of community service-minded big name from a big family.

Enter Evan, cocksucker extraordinaire. You know the type. I think I could actually smell the sweater I imagined around his neck wafting off the page.

So let’s talk sex scenes. The most interesting one, by far, is the blowjob scene towards the end of the book. You don’t usually see that type of blowjob in a sweet romance book (and let’s be clear that this is not an erotica sex swamp.) Decker telling Ev that he knew from the beginning that she would always choke on his cock and bend over the couch for him was a nice touch.

At first, I was like, “Ehhhh, was that too much?” Then I actually thought about it for a couple of days.

Yes. I said a couple of days thinking about a dick choking scene. You think about what you want to think about, and I’ll think about what I want to think about.

Was Decker asserting a little alpha-holeness over his employer really out of the realm of possibility here? Was it degrading? No. It didn’t degrade her. It was just him kind of telling her he knew all along that it would happen. Anywho, I’ll lean on the side of “winning” on that sex scene.

All in all, a solid read. I looked forward to actually sitting down and finishing this one. I can’t say the same with some other books (mostly from other genres entirely) I’ve read lately.

A Night in Prague

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Author: Linda Naush

Published: March 31, 2021

Pages: 61 (This is a short)

HEA: yes

Cheating: no

Wet Panty Meter: You will need 2 pairs of panties while reading this book. You may think this is a bad score, but I think it’s good given this is a short.

Review: You know how amateur porn gets so many more hits than professionally done porn?

Apparently, most of the porn viewing and porn buying public has a thing for a frumpy housewife getting a train run on her by 3 balding pot-bellied dudes in their 40s.

For some odd reason, it’s so much hotter for people when the people are real without bleached assholes. Sure, you have some men that really like the bleached asshole ladies and the guys with 10 inch schlongs, but those people are vastly outnumbered by the amateur viewers. That’s why places like Pornhub have taken off. We’re talking millions of views from simple videos taken after a night out compared to production cost of porn videos.

Where am I going with this on a post that’s supposed to be dedicated to a lovely book?

This book has real people engaged in a one night thing. The author describes our female MC as a woman who’s obviously wearing Spanx and has a bit of jiggle to her. The guy doesn’t sound like Fabio. In fact, he’s bald. When was the last time there was a bald MC in a romance book that didn’t get that way because of a gang or mafia initiation? Try never.

These are REAL people. I get that some people say that they don’t like reality and go to books to get away from reality. But reality works here.

We SEE ourselves in this couple that has amazing sex with each other. The fun part of this book is that we are able to leave reality by exploring Prague with this couple and have a one night stand with this couple. I think most of us agree that these things don’t happen to us on a random Tuesday.

Moving on, the MCs obviously have an enjoyable night once they get to the sex. There’s some exploring Prague together, which is sweet. There’s a lot of uncertainty as to if they’ll really do anything since he kind of backs off once they’re back at the hotel. I’m not going to put any spoilers out there, but the book also leaves us on a cliff hanger as to what will happen in the second book due out soon.

As far as the sex goes, it’s a good sex scene even though it happens toward the end. However, the real appeal of the book is the lack of fake characters and the curiosity surrounding what our male MC had happen in his life that holds him back from really going at it and pursuing a relationship. (These things seem to be addressed in the second book.) I do plan on picking up the second book because I do want to know why our male MC was so hesitant here.

I ALMOST gave this 4 stars because I would have liked a sex scene that lasted a bit longer and a little more detail into the sub-plot of why our MC has a bad taste in his mouth for love. However, I went with a 5 because of the originality of the book.

I’m a sucker for original things. I read so many romance books for ARCs now that I’m tired of The. Same. Old. Shit. Over and over and over.

There’s no trope here. Our female MC isn’t some virgin and there’s not a huge age gap. Our dude isn’t a billionaire, and he doesn’t have a 10-inch cock. This is just a good short romance that is original in its lack of fake bullshit that surrounds almost every romance book. This book shows us that not all MCs need to be perfect. Real people that like cheesecake can have romance in their lives and experience love.

All in all, this is a fun read for a short and sets up the second book nicely in the epilogue. It took me about an hour to go through, but I may have been distracted with household stuff during that time too. It’s definitely something you can plow through on a Saturday evening or in the waiting area during your kid’s dance class.

My Podcast Cherry

L’erin Gaines, AKA guru of the 411 Daily Podcast, invited me on his show a couple of months ago, and I was on last Monday night.

Ya’ll, I was freaking the fuck out. I’ve never been on a podcast before.

This was seriously me….

I feel like I did really well for it being my first podcast. L’erin is a great host that made me feel so welcome. We talked about “choose your own adventure” sex books and Santa porn. But I had a great time..to the point that I feel much better about starting my own podcast in late May. It’ll be a monthly podcast with an author interview, so look for it soon on Spotify.

Check out L’erin’s daily podcast at 10 PM EST and his weekly Reading Between the Wines podcast on Wednesday nights. I’ll also be back on Sep 5!!!

Suburban Sex Kitten Adventure

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Author: Amanda Clover

Published: November 2016

HEA: Depends on which ending/s you choose

Cheating: Yes

Wet Panties: 8 of 5. Not even kidding. Do not fuck with me on this. I will fight you.

Review: There is no other way to describe this book but FUN. F. U. N. Period. This book’s sheer brilliance can’t even be contained on this blog post. I can’t even find the words for the sheer greatness I’ve found.

I picked this up all the way back in January. Friends, you know how fast I read. I read over 100 books a year and can usually get through a novel in about 3 days. This book has thousands of pages if you read every single option. I think I got damn close. Either way, it was a way more fun way to spend a weekend reading than War and Peace. I apologize for nothing.

First, let’s talk about the greatness of why there are thousands of pages here. There’s so many pages because it’s a choose your own adventure book for smut. You heard me. Apparently, these are a thing. These should be MORE of a thing. We all liked “choose your own adventure” when we were kids. Now, we get to go along with Melody Applebottom (snicker) as she shows us what a day in her life would be like if we got to do the driving.

Please allow me to run through what I think is the perfect day for our sex kitten. This list of the choices comes after extensive research. It was a dark, horrid job, but someone had to do it. I jumped on the grenade for you all, and I only hope you recognize my sacrifice.

1st- You have a choice of whether you want to get in the car with Mr Stavros. The answer is “yes. “You get in the car with him to either blow him or fuck him. Just trust me. The other option is say no and, if you do that, you either end up blowing your old guy neighbor or ending up having lesbian sex with the middle-aged lady on your block. All are fun, but trust smuttybooklady will ya? (Sidenote- If you get pulled over by the cop, blow him and move on. Do not fuck him vaginally or you get a fast ending.)

2nd- Finagle it so that you get dropped off at the mini mall. You can usually guarantee this by blowing Mr. Stavros behind the dumpsters and then he’ll drop you off. Go into the laundromat first. There, you will have your choice between a homeless man (just don’t) or to orally pleasure a latino woman. Go with that choice.

#3- When done at the laundromat, go to the mini-mart next door. Just go. The worker there offers you anal sex back by the hotdog stand with the offer of a free hot dog.

#4- Go home and take a bath because you need it.

(Helpful hint- That ain’t whipped cream.)

You need to take a cab. You can have fun with the cab driver, but don’t let him take you home where you will be turned into a sister wife and you’ll cut your ending short trapped in a baby-making sister wife existence.

#5- You fall asleep in the bathtub. This makes sense, since you’ve had a pretty tiring day so far. I’d be tired too. It doesn’t matter which dream sequence you pick while you’re sleeping. Just get through them. They’re all weird.

#6- Choose to spend the evening hanging out with your stepdad.

You see where this is going right?…

#7- DO NOT FUCK YOUR STEPDAD! You can only end up pregnant or causing him to divorce your mom and that ruins the fun! Give him a hand job and then get the fuck up out of there.

#8- Once you get out of the stepdad vortex (you have to be careful there) then go out with your friend where there is an endless supply of options. Bisexual adventures, orgies, lesbian fun, coworkers, are all options. You have everything but the kitchen sink once you get out for the night. I think there’s even some dabbling in a prostitution ring but I can’t remember right now.

After you get out for the night, enjoy the ride and see where it takes you. It’s only when the story ends earlier in the day that your soul feels sad when it ends. Just trust me, get to the evening out and all the stars will align.

Even if you hate this book, but you make it through a few of the scenarios, that’s ok. Because I picture Amanda Clover kind of like this…

Why do I envision her this way? It’s on Kindle Unlimited where authors are paid per page view. Slow clap, Ms. Clover.

Oh, and spoiler alert….let’s just say, she gets the free hot dog.