Andrew Moore's Blog, page 98
January 25, 2023
The Rules Are Simple
Q. Can my main character have a head maid instead of a butler?
A. No. A head maid alongside a butler is permissible however.
Q. But I really want a maid and not a butler.
A. Have you considered having the butler be a woman in disguise?
Q. Fantastic!
A. No. A head maid alongside a butler is permissible however.
Q. But I really want a maid and not a butler.
A. Have you considered having the butler be a woman in disguise?
Q. Fantastic!
January 23, 2023
Adaptation Corner
The Way of Kings: vertical shooting game
The Crystal Cave: 3D platformer
The Eye of the World: horizontal runner
The Swordbearer: Dynasty Warriors
The Crystal Cave: 3D platformer
The Eye of the World: horizontal runner
The Swordbearer: Dynasty Warriors
The Whig Theory of Entertainment
Behold, the future! Look at that couple, both in perfect physical condition. If you had a way to check, which our technicians most certainly do, you would find flawless genes as well. Eugenics? No, just a few therapeutic sessions.
Where are they going with such sure strides? A restaurant no doubt, you say as dwellers in the past. Not at all. Food became too delicious. Everyone wanted to do nothing but eat. Food is now banned. To a movie theater then? Those all shut down after the perfect movie was made twenty years ago. Everyone owns it for private viewings in their private theater setups, which are superior in visual and audio quality to the professional establishments of the past. To a comedy club for a few laughs is your next guess. They exist, certainly, as do comedians. Those are no longer allowed to tell jokes. Too many audience members laughed till they died.
So where? There is one thing, friends from the past, that we still have not quite got the hang of. Yes, it's just what you think it is: cyberpunk! Cyberpunk novels, cyberpunk TV, cyberpunk games, cyberpunk resorts, and cyberpunk radio dramas are all alive and kicking, and they will continue to be allowed to do so as long as they never actually predict the future or get good.
By that we mean, of course, future good. By the standards of your day, those entertainments are without exception fantastic. So, people of the past, we encourage you to keep looking forward . . . to the future!
Finis
Where are they going with such sure strides? A restaurant no doubt, you say as dwellers in the past. Not at all. Food became too delicious. Everyone wanted to do nothing but eat. Food is now banned. To a movie theater then? Those all shut down after the perfect movie was made twenty years ago. Everyone owns it for private viewings in their private theater setups, which are superior in visual and audio quality to the professional establishments of the past. To a comedy club for a few laughs is your next guess. They exist, certainly, as do comedians. Those are no longer allowed to tell jokes. Too many audience members laughed till they died.
So where? There is one thing, friends from the past, that we still have not quite got the hang of. Yes, it's just what you think it is: cyberpunk! Cyberpunk novels, cyberpunk TV, cyberpunk games, cyberpunk resorts, and cyberpunk radio dramas are all alive and kicking, and they will continue to be allowed to do so as long as they never actually predict the future or get good.
By that we mean, of course, future good. By the standards of your day, those entertainments are without exception fantastic. So, people of the past, we encourage you to keep looking forward . . . to the future!
Finis
January 21, 2023
The Best Science Fiction Predicts Future Social Trends
And that's why I'm telling you right now that people will say "Bonanza!" as sort of a slang thing. If not, that's how we'll know humanity took the wrong path. Perhaps we should reset this world to zero.
Addendum
The internet sent it over. Never mind. There aren't problems in the world anymore.
January 19, 2023
The Lonely Cry of the Last Man
Everybody's getting engaged except me! Where's my eighteenth entry depending on how you count in the classic tactical RPG series Fire Emblem?
32 Years Later
As we prepare for the release of Fire Emblem: Engage, let's take a moment to reflect that Fire Emblem is a weak title. They should have called it something tough, like Langrisser or Black/Matrix. But now it's too late.
January 18, 2023
January 16, 2023
Title Rework Corner
Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones? Not in this day and age. Fire Emblem: Double Trouble! is what we'll call the remake. And while we're at it, let's change Fire Emblem to A Song of Horses and Wyverns. It's more marketable and more honest, a rare combination.
A Perilous Exchange
Fear of invasion was the result when communication ended with the first alien civilization encountered by humanity. Labeled Intelligent Extraterrestrial Lifeform 00001 by the authorities in an excess of optimism and wunners by regular people in need of a shorter name and aware of the impossibility of pronouncing alien words, that species seemed open to peaceful relations. A few exchanges of foods and goods took place.
But then, silence. Military preparations were made even as expeditions went out and found cities empty but not silent, for power hummed and automated factories operated. For all the world it looked as if an entire interstellar civilization had stepped out for a bite to eat.
And such was indeed the case. An expedition at last found a wunner, perhaps the last of his species. This was what he told them. "These peppers you guys grow are too spicy. We can't handle it."
The expeditionary captain scratched his head. "Then . . . don't eat them? I prefer milder flavors myself."
"Nope. Too delicious." The wunner bit into a New Iberia Space Reaper, the third-hottest pepper in the galaxy, and died instantly with a look the xenobiologists confirmed to be pure culinary pleasure on its face.
"That story's stupid. You're just trying to cover up humanity's conquering impulses." The middle schooler crossed his arms, his umbrage caused more by having to go to a dumb museum than by the fate of the wunners.
"What's going on across the street, if that's true?" A passing historian pointed. A wunner shot out a diner with the spiciest meal on the menu in its hands and a bunch of customers on its tail who scrambled to save it from itself. That snotty kid never lived that one down.
Finis
But then, silence. Military preparations were made even as expeditions went out and found cities empty but not silent, for power hummed and automated factories operated. For all the world it looked as if an entire interstellar civilization had stepped out for a bite to eat.
And such was indeed the case. An expedition at last found a wunner, perhaps the last of his species. This was what he told them. "These peppers you guys grow are too spicy. We can't handle it."
The expeditionary captain scratched his head. "Then . . . don't eat them? I prefer milder flavors myself."
"Nope. Too delicious." The wunner bit into a New Iberia Space Reaper, the third-hottest pepper in the galaxy, and died instantly with a look the xenobiologists confirmed to be pure culinary pleasure on its face.
"That story's stupid. You're just trying to cover up humanity's conquering impulses." The middle schooler crossed his arms, his umbrage caused more by having to go to a dumb museum than by the fate of the wunners.
"What's going on across the street, if that's true?" A passing historian pointed. A wunner shot out a diner with the spiciest meal on the menu in its hands and a bunch of customers on its tail who scrambled to save it from itself. That snotty kid never lived that one down.
Finis
