Andrew Moore's Blog, page 39
September 18, 2024
How to Name Your Chapters
In this fast-paced, born-late-die-early-supernova world, what readers want is for the chapter title to say exactly what's going to happen so they don't have to read the rest of it. Studies have shown that nobody likes reading anyway.
September 17, 2024
Worthwhile Digressions
How can your setting feel alive if you don't spend a couple thousand words on how soap is prepared? I'm talking about science fiction here. We all know about fantasy soap. It's been covered exhaustively.
September 15, 2024
A Botched Classic
Once, a man wandered a labyrinth which it pleased a tyrannical wizard to have constructed. Its many ways and baffling secrets, hidden doors and bewildering mist among them, prevented him from making progress, he thought, until he came to a location he never before had reached.
Two great doors, taller than giants and wider than wagons, were on the far end, and next to each was a sentinel in the shape of a man but steel in its construction, and the weapons they held were prodigious. When he approached, they spoke in this way.
"Traveler, your peril is great, for you must pass through one door and only one."
"But traveler, you may ask each of us a single question, and by that you may be guided, if you are wise."
"Be warned, traveler, that one of us will speak the truth, and as for the other, he, too, will speak the truth."
"Oh." The wanderer considered. "Then my question is, which door should I take?"
The left sentinel spoke. "I don't know."
The right sentinel spoke. "I have no idea."
The man considered what he had learned. "This is a rhetorical question, but this isn't much of a puzzle, is it?"
"Our master does not like puzzles."
"He always gets impatient and looks up the answer."
That was how the wanderer navigated the mystery of the two sentinels. How he escaped the labyrinth, however, is a different story.
"Did he take one of the weapons and smash his way out because the wizard forgot to order his guards not to let him do that?"
Shut up. Yes. Who said that? Shut up.
Finis
Two great doors, taller than giants and wider than wagons, were on the far end, and next to each was a sentinel in the shape of a man but steel in its construction, and the weapons they held were prodigious. When he approached, they spoke in this way.
"Traveler, your peril is great, for you must pass through one door and only one."
"But traveler, you may ask each of us a single question, and by that you may be guided, if you are wise."
"Be warned, traveler, that one of us will speak the truth, and as for the other, he, too, will speak the truth."
"Oh." The wanderer considered. "Then my question is, which door should I take?"
The left sentinel spoke. "I don't know."
The right sentinel spoke. "I have no idea."
The man considered what he had learned. "This is a rhetorical question, but this isn't much of a puzzle, is it?"
"Our master does not like puzzles."
"He always gets impatient and looks up the answer."
That was how the wanderer navigated the mystery of the two sentinels. How he escaped the labyrinth, however, is a different story.
"Did he take one of the weapons and smash his way out because the wizard forgot to order his guards not to let him do that?"
Shut up. Yes. Who said that? Shut up.
Finis
The New Famous Joke
The Aristofrats! Now make up the rest yourself.
September 14, 2024
Watch Out for This Anachronism!
It's easy when you're writing your medieval-adjacent fantasy story to slip up and describe a bag full of treasure as being made of nylon. Oops! That's all right though. Find and replace "nylon" with "plastic," and everything's fixed!
September 13, 2024
Addendum
Yes, it can be the same villain every time with bigger heels or a robot body.
September 12, 2024
Every Pro Knows This Trick to Make Your New Villain Menacing!
Be sure to mention that he's 1.5 inches taller than the old villain. That what you can have sustainable threat escalation. The first villain should be a short little fellow of course.
September 11, 2024
A New Scheme of Grammar
"Word" and "verb" sound too similar, so let's change "verb" to "doeth."
September 10, 2024
Glory to the Victors
By the way, anyone who picked the correct team in the Yu-Gi-Oh! Master Duel World Extravaganza Super Tournament is indeed a superior human. I'm not sure everyone understands that yet, viscerally.
September 8, 2024
Count! Hope Lies at the Bottom
Marshal DiBusco marched into the office without further precaution. His sixty stellar dreadnaughts already controlled traffic around the station and his powered cavalry had secured the airlocks and corridors. A display of confidence seemed the best thing.
"It is time, Mr. Premier, to yield to the inevitabilities of history," he announced to the premier, who sat behind his table and gripped it fiercely to prevent any other physical reaction, as well as to the aides and other officials who indulged in the cowering to which their inferior positions entitled them.
The premier decided, between preserving silent dignity and taking a shot at preserving all society, to try the latter. "DiBusco! We've entered space! Can't you adopt a new way of thinking? This isn't how we solve disputes today!"
"But when we do, you see how effective it is." The marshal looked out the window at one of his many dreadnaughts as it drifted past, miles away. "That is the practical case. Philosophically, I disagree. Votes and procedures are simple effigies of violence. Force is behind every resolution of conflict. I have the most force, so necessarily I will be the one to resolve ours."
"That's where you're wrong, Marshal." One aide, a heroic flash in his eye, dared to speak. "There's one other condition you have to satisfy if you want to win."
DiBusco humored the aide. "What is that, sir?"
"You have to be able to draw on your turn. The premier passes."
"Eh?" DiBusco, in his puzzlement, frowned.
"Come on, draw. If you can."
The premier looked at the aide and then, with hope, at the marshal. "That's right, DiBusco! Draw a card!"
"I don't have any cards?"
The aide pumped his fist. "Then you lose!"
DiBusco, poleaxed, turned back to his men, who shrugged. He waved a withdrawal and followed them, grumbling, "Get some cards . . . have to research first . . . of all the . . . have to come back next week . . . miss the game . . ." Such are the ways of the future.
Finis
"It is time, Mr. Premier, to yield to the inevitabilities of history," he announced to the premier, who sat behind his table and gripped it fiercely to prevent any other physical reaction, as well as to the aides and other officials who indulged in the cowering to which their inferior positions entitled them.
The premier decided, between preserving silent dignity and taking a shot at preserving all society, to try the latter. "DiBusco! We've entered space! Can't you adopt a new way of thinking? This isn't how we solve disputes today!"
"But when we do, you see how effective it is." The marshal looked out the window at one of his many dreadnaughts as it drifted past, miles away. "That is the practical case. Philosophically, I disagree. Votes and procedures are simple effigies of violence. Force is behind every resolution of conflict. I have the most force, so necessarily I will be the one to resolve ours."
"That's where you're wrong, Marshal." One aide, a heroic flash in his eye, dared to speak. "There's one other condition you have to satisfy if you want to win."
DiBusco humored the aide. "What is that, sir?"
"You have to be able to draw on your turn. The premier passes."
"Eh?" DiBusco, in his puzzlement, frowned.
"Come on, draw. If you can."
The premier looked at the aide and then, with hope, at the marshal. "That's right, DiBusco! Draw a card!"
"I don't have any cards?"
The aide pumped his fist. "Then you lose!"
DiBusco, poleaxed, turned back to his men, who shrugged. He waved a withdrawal and followed them, grumbling, "Get some cards . . . have to research first . . . of all the . . . have to come back next week . . . miss the game . . ." Such are the ways of the future.
Finis
