Namita Das's Blog, page 75

The Roommate Situation by Katie Bailey

It’s a cute and cosy romance. I loved it more because it could show romance without the need to be explicit. The characters were relatable, and the story started fine and dandy.

The only missing element was some spark. The lead characters connect almost instantly, and their love story seems rushed. Too many twists, but they unfolded without an awe factor and were just thrown. Lastly, two POVs broke the flow. I enjoyed reading Jess’s narration, but Conor’s style was bland.

Overall, an excellent read for a weekend.

My favourite lines from the book.

Pleased with my decision, I make a simple, five-step plan:
One: I’m going to make pasta.
Two: I’m going to knock on Jess’s door and offer her pasta.
Three: We are going to eat pasta together.
Four: We will have a normal, mundane, get-to-know-each-other conversation.
And finally, by the time dinner is over, I will never think about Jessica Shaw ever again as anything other than Aiden’s little sister and a temporary roommate.She’s pretty… in that “super chill girl who claims to be one of the guys but is actually trying to steal your boyfriend” kinda way.Ever been on TikTok? It’s not for the faint of heart, let me tell you. I have lost actual days to TikTok, and most of them have involved a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve learned how uncool the crying with laughter emoji is, why my skinny jeans are no longer in fashion, and that I should basically just dig myself a hole and bury myself in it instead of even trying to be relevant.
In the app’s defense, however, I now know how to make great feta tomato pasta.Okay, so I might have asked Aiden what Jess’s favorite food was.
And I might have skipped out on work early today so I could cook her favorite—steak fajitas—for dinner tonight.Mia and Pete’s little boy, Oliver, sits in a high chair next to them. He and Jess are babbling and cooing sweet nothings back and forth, already completely in love with each other.
At two years old, Ollie already has better game than I do. Respect, little man.There I was, fantasizing about this being a sensual experience… and he wanted a high five. Ain’t nothing sensual about a high five.“I guess, sometimes, everything’s gotta get broken before you can start fresh and build what you want.”I open the French doors and step onto the patio. “Jess?”
She snaps out of her statue-like state and whirls around.
“Conor?” A delicious smile flits on her lips and I’m an absolute goner. Remind me why I was trying to stay away from her again? Jess tilts her head. “Did you forget something?”
“Yes.” I nod. “You.”When I look at you, I don’t see a mess. I see a masterpiece. I see every single piece of your beautiful heart as a brush stroke on canvas, and the result is a work of art.”In life, seasons are inevitable, and sometimes things have to fall apart completely to yield real growth. And no matter how tough that feels in the moment, the eventual growth is worth the pain of loss. Because beyond loss lies something new. A new beginning in life.

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition and Paperback.

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

This is my third book by Daphne Du Maurier, and did I love it? Yes, and No.

No, because, at times, I felt the narration was dragged. I wanted to move on to what was next, but the moment won’t pass. I was able to predict the next part in a few places. This wasn’t as thrilling as the one I read before this, My Cousin Rachel was. That’s better than this one. Although this is being recognised as one of the top best works of the author.

Why do I love it? Multiple reasons.

It starts with a dream and ends with a dream. – The opening line is epic. Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. Throughout the book, we don’t know the lead character, the new Mrs De Winter’s real name. Not once was it spoken, and till the end, I waited somewhere it would be revealed, but no. It didn’t, and that is what amazes me.

I read about Manderley, and now I want to visit Manderley, only if there is a place like that on this earth. Everything sounds so beautiful: the flowers, the house, the beach, the walks.

Read it at least once.

My favourite lines from the book.

Nature had come into her own again and, little by little, in her stealthy, insidious way had encroached upon the drive with long, tenacious fingers.I believe there is a theory that men and women emerge finer and stronger after suffering, and that to advance in this or any world we must endure ordeal by fire.We all of us have our particular devil who rides us and torments us, and we must give battle in the end.- –Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind.Read English news, yes, and English sport, politics, and pomposity, but in future keep the things that hurt to myself alone. They can be my secret indulgence.I am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. For it is a fever, and a burden, too, whatever the poets may say. They are not brave, the days when we are twenty-one. They are full of little cowardices, little fears without foundation, and one is so easily bruised, so swiftly wounded, one falls to the first barbed word.‘If only there could be an invention’, I said impulsively, ‘that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again.’In books men knelt to women, and it would be moonlight. Not at breakfast, not like this.employed by her, taking her money, trotting in her wake like a shadow, drab and dumb. Of course I was inexperienced, of course I was idiotic, shy, and young. I knew all that. She did not have to tell me. I suppose her attitude was deliberate, and for some odd feminine reason she resented this marriage; her scale of values

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition, Audiobook, Hardcover, Paperback, Mass Market Paperback and MP3 CD.

My Cousin Rachel by Daphne Du Maurier (Author), Sally Beauman (Introduction)

I finished this book long ago, and I needed some time to write this review since I was left wondering for days about the story. Still, I don’t know if I am doing enough justice in this review.

Everything in this book is a mystery, even the ending. It is left to the reader’s imagination or should I say mental state. It depends on who you want to side with and who you start believing.

The story is narrated by Philip but is he telling the correct thing or its only his perspective. I can’t tell if he was in his right frame of mind while he narrated the story. Was it an outcome of the trauma caused by Ambrose’s death?

Cousin Rachel, Oh! How enchanting she seems to be but is she really who she is. Are Philips’s doubts about her just a part of his puzzled mind. Was she really an open book as she is shown or did she indeed have her secrets that she smartly hid.

The ending is ambiguous. Every reader of this book will have a different opinion. Some believe Rachel was a murderer and some do not. Some think Philip was not mentally fit while some feel he was just seen as the little Philip who never grew up from Ambrose’s foster.

Some lines that I loved in the book –

It is strange how in moments of great crisis the mind whips back to childhood.The point is, life has to be endured, and lived. But how to live it is the problem.How soft and gentle her name sounds when I whisper it. It lingers on the tongue, insidious and slow, almost like poison, which is apt indeed.But a lonely man is an unnatural man, and soon comes to perplexity. From perplexity to fantasy. From fantasy to madness.We were dreamers, both of us, unpractical, reserved, full of great theories never put to test, and, like all dreamers, asleep to the waking world. Disliking our fellow men, we craved affection; but shyness kept impulse dormant until the heart was touched.Although invariably courteous he was shy of women, and mistrustful too, saying they made mischief in a household.She was young, not more than nineteen or so, but the expression on her face was ageless, haunting, as though she possessed in her lithe body an old soul that could not die; centuries in time looked out from those two eyes, she had contemplated life so long it had become indifferent to her.A man’s jealousy is like a child’s, fitful and foolish, without depth. A woman’s jealousy is adult, which is very different.’That was the infuriating thing about a woman. Always the last word. Leaving one to grapple with ill-temper, and she herself serene. A woman, it seemed, was never in the wrong. Or if she was, she twisted the fault to her advantage, making it seem otherwise.‘There are some women, Philip,’ he observed, ‘good women very possibly, who through no fault of their own impel disaster. Whatever they touch, somehow turns to tragedy. I don’t know why I say this to you, but I feel I must.’

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition, Audiobook, Hardcover, Paperback, Mass Market Paperback and MP3 CD.

Dopamine Detox by Thibaut Meurisse

I wouldn’t say that this book is enlightening and you get information that is not already available on the internet. Despite that, it is an excellent quick read. It starts with some technicalities and science behind dopamine. Later tells you repetitively to avoid social media to stop procrastinating. Again, not that we don’t know it, but how this book sets the narrative will push you to start disciplining your social media usage.

I have successfully not procrastinated for the whole last week, let’s see how long this book leaves its effect on me.

Some lines that I loved in the book –

Dopamine gives us the desire to take action to earn the exciting reward that’s waiting for us. It is the force that makes us act.Contrary to what many people believe, dopamine is not a pleasure chemical. Simply because an event triggers the release of dopamine doesn’t mean it is something we like or get pleasure from. In fact, when you pay close attention, you’ll notice that as soon as you obtain the expected reward, you’ll often feel empty and unfulfilled.Under such a state of stimulation, any task that requires concentration becomes much harder to perform. As a result, you will procrastinate. You delay writing that book you’ve always planned. You put off starting that new venture, or you’ll postpone that key project you’re in charge of.By continuously triggering the release of dopamine through different means—such as drug or alcohol consumption—addicts actually strengthen their tolerance to such stimulation. As a result, they need stronger and stronger stimulus to experience the same sensation of pleasure.Dopamine and constant stimulation can impair your ability to think long term Studies have shown that one of the best predictors of success is the ability to think long term. People who repeatedly focus on where they want to be in the future, make better decisions in the present. They tend to eat healthier food, be more productive at work and save and invest more money than others.Edward Banfield of Harvard University concluded that long-time perspective, “was the most important determinant of financial and personal success in life.” He defined “long-time” as the “ability to think several years into the future while making decisions in the present.”By receiving constant feedback, whether through likes, comments, or immediate replies to our messages, we condition ourselves to expect fast results with everything we do.No, watching motivational videos all day long won’t help you reach your goals. But, performing daily consistent actions, sustained over a long period of time will. Staying calm and focusing on the one task in front of you every day will. The point is, to achieve long-term goals in your personal or professional life, you must regain control of your attention and rewire your brain to focus on the long term. To do so, you should start by staying away from highly stimulating activities.Build the foundations for success one brick at a time. Build them strong so that they won’t collapse at the first obstacle or setback.A dopamine detox helps reduce stimulation, thereby allowing you to revert to a more natural state. When you need less stimulation, seemingly challenging, boring or tedious tasks will become more appealing—and easier to tackle.

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition, Audiobook, and Paperback.

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg

I don’t know how many will be able to connect or relate with this book. I can understand if one doesn’t because you need to have gone through at least one of those dilemmas and struggles mentioned in the book.

There are things you know but you are not ready to accept openly. This book was a nudge that you are not alone. Many have gone through these confusions, prioritising family and kids, neglecting self-care, and mental health and sacrificing dreams assuming others won’t understand. These books worked as virtual support for me, imbibing confidence in me that I am not wrong trying to chase my dreams while taking care of my family.

A must-read for every woman- working or not.

Some lines that I loved in the book –

A 2011 McKinsey report noted that men are promoted based on potential, while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.Fear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure. And the holy trinity of fear: the fear of being a bad mother/wife/daughter.Taking initiative pays off. It is hard to visualize someone as a leader if she is always waiting to be told what to do.Then he explained that only one criterion mattered when picking a job—fast growth. When companies grow quickly, there are more things to do than there are people to do them. When companies grow more slowly or stop growing, there is less to do and too many people to not be doing them. Politics and stagnation set in, and everyone falters. He told me, “If you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship, you don’t ask what seat. You just get on.”Women need to shift from thinking “I’m not ready to do that” to thinking “I want to do that—and I’ll learn by doing it.”Taking risks, choosing growth, challenging ourselves, and asking for promotions (with smiles on our faces, of course) are all important elements of managing a career.“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”“How can I do better?” “What am I doing that I don’t know?” “What am I not doing that I don’t see?” These questions can lead to so many benefits. And believe me, the truth hurts. Even when I have solicited feedback, any judgment can feel harsh. But the upside of painful knowledge is so much greater than the downside of blissful ignorance.“Done is better than perfect.” I have tried to embrace this motto and let go of unattainable standards. Aiming for perfection causes frustration at best and paralysis at worst.“Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence.”

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition, Audiobook, Hardcover, Paperback, Audio CD.

My Evil Mother by Margaret Atwood

I had my own share of problems with my mom during my teenage. I could completely relate to the girl in this story. My mom also said and did unbelievable things but as the girl in the story, I didn’t think she was a witch. Again, I don’t blame the girl, her mother was mysterious, her statements were bewildering and the aura was mystifying.

This short story kept me hanging till the end, I just wanted to know what was her mother’s actuality. I finished it in one shot and all I can say is it is a masterpiece. This was my first read by Margaret Atwood and I have turned into a uberfan of her writing.

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition and Audiobook.

Knotted Grief by Naveen Kishore

It’s a short book of poems, but do take your time to read.

Mostly in Haiku-like poems, the lines are short, some just one word. The first poem Kashmiriat is my top favourite from the book. It tells about the trauma residents faced during and after the Kashmir violence. It will wrench your heart with lines like –

solitary flower immolate
your petals detonating
like suicide vests

****

dogs sniffing blood
on chinar leaves

The next one that I liked was – Street Full of Widows. It will leave you teary-eyed.

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition and Paperback.

Does Parenting style cause a developmental delay?

I recalled an incident from a year ago. We were in a restaurant and my son then around 3 years of age wasn’t listening to me. He just wanted to wander around and had a big temper tantrum when we were about to leave. I was discussing this behaviour with one of my friends that he has a lot of temper tantrums, I worried that his speech delay was one of the reasons for this erratic behaviour. Since he wasn’t able to have a proper one-to-one conversation with us it was difficult to explain anything to him. I wondered if I should go for another opinion on his development. When I said these things my friend suggested, that I should also get counselling for myself and assess and find if there is any issue in my parenting style. That hurt me momentarily and it got me thinking is that even possible. Can my parenting style hinder my child’s development? So, I opened all my notes on developmental psychology, googled this particular topic, and researched and spoke to a few psychologists and therapists. And I realized that yes parenting style does impact the child but does it really cause a developmental delay. Let’s find out more below.

To listen to the audio podcast on this topic, click below –

https://anchor.fm/s/52852260/podcast/rss

There are four types of parenting styles –

1. Authoritarian (or Disciplinarian)

2. Permissive (or Indulgent)

3. Neglectful (or Uninvolved)

4. Authoritative

I know now you are thinking about how are these different from each other. I will tell you but what is the best way to understand these. Hmmmm! Let me think, Hmmm!

OK, Idea!  I will tell you a few stories. And trust me these are all based on real-life stories,  that will help explain the parenting styles better.

*****

There was a little girl in 3rd grade. She had got her surprise test result and was asked to get it signed by one of her parents but she was scared to show the result to her parents. She had failed. Her parents had very high expectations of her. Anything below A-grade was unacceptable forget failing. She was scared and decided not to show the results to her parents and act as if nothing happened. She stayed aloof for a couple of days. When her teacher asked her to submit the signed result back to school, she felt sick. Ultimately, she decided to forge her father’s signature. She used carbon paper and traced the signature on her test paper. When her teacher saw the signature, she was shocked. The teacher called her father and enquired if he knew about the surprise maths test result that was sent home with the daughter. He denied any knowledge of it. The teacher requested he visit the school and meet the principal the next day to discuss. The father was furious, although he had no idea about the forged signature, he was angry that how could his daughter not show the result to them. In the evening, he called his daughter and sternly asked about the maths test and the little girl started crying. There was no explanation sought of her but was given a thrashing for being a disobedient child. The next day at school, when the teacher showed the father the forged signature, he lost his temper and blamed the girl for being a delinquent. The girl was in the principal’s cabin and was asked a reason for this behaviour. The girl broke down and said that she is just afraid of her parents, they have high expectations of her and she is unable to cope and keep up with them.

This is Authoritarian or what is also known as the disciplinarian style of parenting. Such parents have strict rules and high expectations of their children. They simply expect blind obedience and are not open to providing leverage in the rules set for their children. The little girl in this story lacked self-esteem and started having even poorer academic performance. She did not possess any great social skills because her mind was being trained to only succeed and failure was an embarrassment. Failure was unacceptable, this mindset diminished her mental health.

What is the worst that this kind of parenting can do to a child – it’s never going to prepare the child to face failures because it’s linked in their minds to only win. As they grow, they may go into depression and also opt to abuse themselves with drugs and alcohol or also commit crimes.  

*****

A 10-year-old was invited to his best friend’s birthday party. The party was going great and everyone was enjoying it to the fullest. After the party, this boy stayed back and helped his friends unwrap his gifts. He saw that the friend has got a brand-new video game as one of the gifts and he wanted that game too. He went home and told his parents about the video game, and his father agreed to get him one. The next day, his father did bring the video game as promised but it was not the latest version that his friend had. The father simply said that was all he could get for now. His father offered to play it with him, every day. He showed him all the features the game had. But the boy was unhappy, and to avoid disappointment, the parents decided to exchange the video game and bought him the exact same video game his friend had. The boy was thrilled and showed it off to everyone in the neighbourhood. The family carried on living a good life. The parents were warm and lenient and got the boy everything he asked for. They hated to see their boy disappointed and fulfilled all his wishes. Until one day, the boy asked for a motorbike. He was not even at the legal age of driving and so his parents refused to comply with this demand. The boy had never known rejection, he could not stand the fact that they won’t get him something he had his eyes on. With his egocentric mindset, he took an untoward decision. He stole a motorbike.

This is what one gets for being a permissive parent. The boy in this story had never tasted disappointment. He thought the world was at his feet, with his parents getting him everything he put a finger on. He was arrested for theft, and his parents were able to get him out on bail. But he had only developed impulsive behaviour that led him to even bad decision making.

What’s the worst the child gets from such indulgent parenting? They might never have good relationships with anyone because adjusting to others never comes off easy for them. The egoist mind only ticks them off, if it’s not their way.

*****

There was a boy who grew up with super busy parents. He had everything except time from his parents. His room was filled with the latest toys and as he grew, he also got the latest gadgets. There was minimal to low emotional bonding with the parents. As a small child when he asked to play with them, they would simply refuse as they had other important things to do. He was an intelligent child, good in academics and loved playing football. But he was never appreciated when he scored in the class or won a football trophy. There were no rewards for good jobs or any scolding for bad behaviour. The boy grew aloof naturally and resorted to making friends on the internet. He spoke to a lot of strangers and felt comfort in sharing his feelings with them. Gradually he met a guy on the internet and became good friends with him. The boy got so close with this internet friend that he shared every small detail of his lonely life. Puberty was hitting the boy and he had no one else to turn to as he didn’t have the comfort to talk about it to his parents. So came the internet friend to rescue. The friend shared his knowledge and led him to some pornographic sites. Everything was new and amazing for the boy and he indulged in self-pleasure activities which were later taken online. But the worst thing hit him when he found that, the activities he thought were private online were actually recorded and already available for viewing by the world. The boy was embarrassed and now had no one to turn to.

The neglectful style of parenting only makes a child impulsive. Limited to no guidance does lead them into taking the wrong steps. The boy in this story was brilliant and had parents who were uninvolved in his daily affairs. The boy was ashamed of himself and instead of seeking help from anyone he preferred to kill himself.

It was a sad ending and I am sorry if this story has triggered you in any manner. If you feel it’s too much to take, I would request you to stop reading and take a break. Come back as soon as you feel comfortable. Next, we are going to talk about the most important style of parenting – Authoritative.

*****

If you are still there or just back from the break now, thank you for not leaving it midway. Let me go ahead with the last story in this bit.

There was a girl who was strict with her routine. Wake up at 6 AM, get ready and be at school by 8 AM, Back from school, at 1 PM, lunch and rest for 2 hours and then evening classes at 4 PM, back home and playtime at 6 PM, Dinner is done and off to bed at 9 AM. She had been raised to follow a timeline for herself, although it was not imposed or designed for her. She was disciplined to curate her day to get the maximum productivity out of it. She once applied for an annual quiz competition in her school and prepared hard for it. The first two rounds were great but she was eliminated in the third round. Disappointed and upset she turned to her parents for comfort. All her parents could tell her was – “Try again next year, prepare yourself even better.” She did as told, worked hard and attempted the quiz competition again. This time she won.

What’s so special about this girl? She knew what was expected of her but she also knew it was ok to not meet expectations a few times. She was independent to make her choices and found support when she turned to her parents.

This is what a child needs from their parents – clear rules and expectations but also warm, involved, and supportive of the child’s needs and choices. It’s a balanced mix of good traits from Authoritarian and Permissive and not at all Neglectful.

*****

Despite all these stories and concepts, not every parent can follow the same set of protocols and not every child can be raised with the same style of parenting. It is recommended to be an Authoritative parent but you as a parent can decide what parenting practices you need to apply. You know your child better.

Each day is different and no two days can go exactly the same for you as a human being. You have your own ups and downs in the day that will alter your mood and so impact your parenting. Unless you have decided to completely ignore your child, everything works better. You can decide the intensity of the warmth you would want to give and the gravity of how demanding you want to be of your child. Parents got to work their expectations on an equilibrium of their child’s development and learning power.

*****

All stories are done and coming back to where this started from. Does parenting style impact a child’s development? Well, it doesn’t.

Some parenting practices can hinder the behaviour and self-esteem of the child but it doesn’t cause any development delay like speech delay and language delay, or learning disabilities like dyslexia, dysgraphia, or dyscalculia. Neither does it have anything to do with you if the child gets diagnosed with Autism or ADHD.

There are different medical reasons for these learning disorders and developmental delays. If you see your child not meeting milestones or not behaving as you were expecting for the age or if you just have doubts, contact a professional. Get a diagnosis, get multiple opinions. But kindly do not blame yourself for any of it. And if you see another parent struggling, offer help and not criticise them for being a parent. Every parent is trying to raise a star and will not knowingly cause harm to their child.  

Dial A For Aunties by Jesse Sutanto

This is all I look for in a book.

It has romance but does not cringe you, crime but does not scare you, grave scenes but will leave you laughing. Totally filled with fun.

Meddy and her 4 aunties are wedding planners. There is a murder by accident, and the 5 of them are trying to cover up and dispose of the body in the middle of the wedding while also trying to manage the wedding arrangements. Blunder after blunder, twist after twist, there was not a single dull moment in the book.

Absolutely loved the book and I am looking forward to reading the sequel to this one.

Available on Amazon Kindle Edition, Hardcover and Paperback.

Some of my favorite funny moments from the book –

The table being round means all the dishes are equally within reach of everyone, but Chinese family meals aren’t complete without everyone serving food to everyone else, because doing so shows love and respect, which means we all need to do it in the most attention-seeking way possible.We all still live in the same neighborhood, a mere ten-minute walk away from one another, and I feel the weight of their expectations, as if I have four mothers and all of their hopes and dreams have been placed on my shoulders. I’m basically driven by a mixture of caffeine and familial guilt.“Oh.” She nods. “Yes, you right, more respectful.” She pats me on the cheek. “I raise you so well.”
Hysteria rises from deep in my stomach and I have to swallow it. Trust Ma to take pride in my etiquette when I’ve just shown her my date, whom I’ve killed, in the trunk of my car.
“I did just kill a person, so I don’t know that you can say you’ve raised me well.”
“Oh, he must deserve it.”“Meddy, how can you say that? Your aunties coming over, so late at night, coming to help us get rid of body, and we don’t even offer them any food? How can? Oh, we have dragon fruit, good, good. Big Aunt’s favorite. Wah, got pear too. Very good. Help me peel, don’t be so rude to your aunties, you will bring shame.”
“Oh, right, it’s the lack of fruit that’ll bring shame, not the dead body in the car.”“So what if you say you want eat eggplant?” Second Aunt says. “Maybe one day you want eat eggplant, but then another day you don’t want, is okay you change mind.”“Just wait until you see what Meddy do to the body. She was very respectful,” Ma says.
I can’t believe she’s taking this moment to boast about me being respectful. This is peak Asian parenting.“He trick me? Use me get to my daughter!?”
Big Aunt nods solemnly. “I hear about this kind of Internet scam before. Is called goldfish.”
“Catfish,” I say.
“No, I’m sure is call goldfish. Because pretend got gold, but actually just a fish.”Yay, global warming,” I cheer weakly. Bad for the environment, good for killers.Whoever said “It’s as hard as herding cats” has obviously never tried to herd a group of Asian aunties.“You’re not a mess. You just kill by accident only. Bad luck. Can happen to anyone.”

Does motherhood get easier with time?

When I realized I was pregnant there were a series of emotions.

First I was worried because I had missed my periods and I had a vacation planned for Bali. I was not ok to manage the trip just in case this red best friend of mine planned to accompany me to the beautiful land of mountains and beaches.

Next, I was shocked as I had this long drawn issue of PCOD and was kind off told it’s impossible to conceive with the 3 mm by 3 mm large chocolate cyst settled in my ovary but as I held the pregnancy kit in my hand watching the two pink lines turn bright. I was shocked.

When it finally dawned upon me that I have conceived a baby I gave out this news to friends and family. I was super thrilled at the thought that I will be having a tiny baby in my arms in 9 months.

As I grasped this information, my nervousness crept in. And I wondered if I am really ready for this responsibility. If I really should or shouldn’t go ahead.

Then after a couple of weeks of pondering and thinking and morning sickness and fatigue and several types of mood swings ultimately there was acceptance to welcome this new human into our world.

As we moved ahead with this decision we finalized a good gynaecologist. We regularly visited her and had monthly check-ups, every time I went in I could hear the tiny heartbeat on the machine, we were told about the progress of the baby and everything was well, the baby was growing fine inside me. The sonograms were perfect. I was happy and getting plump, having food cravings, eating everything I wanted in the name of ‘Oh baby is asking for it.’ It was fun. We did not even realize and the nine months were gone in bliss.

It was just a day before my due date. A thought came into my mind that everyone with who I have been talking has told me about the birthing process, and what I should expect during the delivery. How should I prepare the hospital bag? but no one absolutely no one talked about the moment after the baby is born except what I should carry for the baby in my hospital bag.

But apart from that nobody ever told me or had any advice about being a mother, raising a child. I wondered what do I do with the baby how do I take care of it and that I don’t know anything. I Was just enjoying this pregnancy but now I know nothing. I was petrified.

I had a C-section when the baby was born or say was pulled out of me, I was told it was a boy and I was happy to know. I had a baby boy and I didn’t have any other emotions at that time. After the surgery when I was taken to my room, they again showed the baby and again I had no emotions. At that particular moment, I thought that was so wrong of me, that I don’t feel anything for my own baby. still, I didn’t feel connected.

Since I was operated the hormones didn’t naturally kick in to produce the breastmilk and I was unable to feed the boy. I felt Pressurised by the lectures from nurses, doctors and lactation consultants that how it has to be done, I just felt someone giving me a theory on how to swim but I cannot dive into the pool. The theory isn’t helping me. Sorry. Three days later, my boy was detected with jaundice which I found was common for newborns especially the ones delivered by C-section. Psssttt. Not at all easy, I was myself sewn up a few days ago, trying to recover and then the baby who I have been waiting for months is put in a box of light. I was horrified and I felt what have I gotten into.

Well, everything was fine after a week, we were back home with a healthy and recovered baby. But wait wait wait, the hospital rounds don’t just end here. For me of course, I have to get the stitches checked but for the baby, it was a full year of different vaccinations at a frequency of a month or so. Also, it didn’t finish at the vaccinations, post-vaccination fever and pain were welcome for the day. I shudder every time I remember those vaccination appointments. I was as much in pain as my little darling. The pricks on the tiny limbs were just too much to take.

Somehow, I mastered this breastfeeding, with inverted nipples that’s another issue but we won’t go into that. So, almost two months had passed and I will be honest I still did not feel very connected with my boy, I fed him, swaddled him, and cleaned him just like some tasks. Until one day, I tried to take some pictures with him, and he responded to all my cues, he looked at me, and I poked my tongue out, he did it. I winked, and he blinked. That day, I felt a connection. I had no idea why I had this gap, but yes, it took me two months to bond with my own baby. I talked to a very close friend of mine and found out this is normal and it’s a sign of postpartum depression. So, if you ever feel this with your future baby or are going through this too, do not worry. Consult your doctor, this happens to most mothers. It is common and can be treated, but please do seek help.

Moving ahead, as my son grew, every time I felt I have accomplished dealing with a certain tantrum. Ting, came a new one. As kids grow, they master several things by themselves. But thanks to social media, we have innumerable teachers, on baby-led weaning. Yes, a training for you to get your child to eat on their own and eat everything. I tried that and failed, tried again and succeeded and was happy but then I failed again. With his growing age, his food habits are changing, he likes a few foods, may chomp on them, feed himself happily but then a there are days where – Mommie has to feed me or I won’t eat. How can you say no to that cute demand? But how do you sit there for an hour when they chew slowly. Yet, you have to cope with it.

Then another battle – screentime or no screentime. Before becoming a mother, I would proudly say – ‘no my child will never get the screen, my child will be a complete bookworm’ And I tried that but it’s not as easy as it sounds. In today’s digital world it’s not possible not to give your child the screen. Sometimes you just need to give it for your sanity. There have been times when I just needed 15 minutes of quiet time but my son just hung on my shoulders for attention and the only thing that came to my rescue was a tab. I gave it to him so that I can peacefully give a visit to the loo or just lie down quietly.

Then the biggest aspect – what kind of a mother are you? Are you a working mom then you’ll have to hear things like you are running away from your responsibilities? The poor child is getting raised by a stranger because the mom cares for money more than the child. But the fact is working moms are away from the child for 10 -12 hours or even more depending on the job type. But these moms are constantly juggling their brains trying to justify the compensation they are receiving while also balancing the needs of the child. Some are pumping breastmilk in the restroom, some have to attend a call every two hours from the babysitter because she is confused, some have to make sure to leave exactly on time so that the baby can be picked up from the daycare and so on.

On the other hand, if you are a stay-at-home mom, you can be labelled as lazy, sitting around the house the whole day. No one might even notice the hardships, and forget listening to the woes associated with staying at home 24/7 with a tiny human. It becomes very lonely because there’s no one with whom they can share their feelings. These moms are either crying alone in the shower if at all they get time to shower peacefully or maybe mindlessly scrolling through the phones skipping their sleep because that’s the only quiet me-time they get. Their whole day is spent either wiping the bummies, feeding and cleaning up after them, picking up the mess made during the 3-5 mealtimes, a day’s laundry of the baby which is more than a week’s laundry for the whole house, and at all times making sure the baby is safe and constantly checking if they breathing. I admit I did this when my boy slept.

Then the biggest challenge arises, just in case there are any developmental delays in the child. No two children are the same and so no one can come up and exactly help you in this particular trial, except a few who might say – wait and see. At this time, when you might need a good professional counsellor to understand your as well as the child’s need, you may come across a few who would want to take advantage of your vulnerability. Yes, that happens too. I promise to take this up and share my experience in a future podcast. But for now, if you do have even an iota of doubt about any developmental delays in your child, seek professional help. Take multiple opinions but it’s always good to get early intervention than to wait and see.

All I want to say is there are several methods to prepare you for delivering the baby and your experience can be very similar to someone else’s. But your parenting experience might never be similar to another parent. You can anticipate what is coming your way, but you can never be sure it will be as you think it should be. No class or training can teach you parenting.  Your experience will always be your best teacher.

Kids are a tiny version of us. We think parenting is methodically following a process to raise the little human. We think we can tame them but parenting is not taming. It is living and growing with a human who has a brain that signals and sends as many, in fact, more emotions than a fully grown adult. Raising them is principally understanding to deal with emotions and not expecting them to listen and obey just because they were born out of you. And this my friend is the toughest part. Not pregnancy, not birthing, the ultimate parenting project- is the toughest.

I wish there was something to prepare and tell a mother, that it won’t be easy. That It can get lonely, and depressing, you may rethink your decision, and feel that you made a wrong choice. But this is all a part of this journey. A baby comes with a package. If you love playing with them and listening to their coos, the repetitive playing can become frustrating and their loud constant blabbering can get on the nerves. Yes, the same child whom you adored a moment ago might feel like a monster the next moment. But it is not the child, it is us. We are the ones who need support, care and time-offs from being parents. Believe it or not, parenting is a full-time job and like any other job it can get monotonous and boring but you don’t have an option to quit. But what you can do is take a break.

You may feel – oh it’s easier said than done. But every problem comes with a solution.

We have to focus on the solution. Find our support, and build an eco-system where we can shape a harmonious life. Because similar to the pregnancy phase. this too shall pass in bliss. we may not be liking it initially but as we learn and master living with it, it will be gone. No more dependencies, no more mess, no tantrums, no screams, silence filled in the house. And before you realise it, years later, you may be sitting here listening to me talking about empty nest syndrome.

To listen to the audio podcast on this topic, click below –

https://anchor.fm/s/52852260/podcast/rss