Steven Barnes's Blog, page 78

The Genius of Milton Erickson

I want to go through every basic pattern I’ve used or taught in connection with my own life, creating characters and situations in fiction, or coaching clients.  It’s all connected.  The very first breakthrough, and something I’ve spoken of often enough that I don’t think I need to go back through it right now (although if there are requests, I will) is the structure created by cross-referencing the Hero’s Journey (generally in the way I use it: a ten-step perspective on the deep structure of world myth, which simply relates to the process of dealing with any challenge in life) and the yogic Chakras, which is generally (there are other interpretations) a seven-step model of human growth or consciousness, on either an individual or cultural level.  
Those were the X and Y axis, and I could sense the presence of a “Z” that made a dynamic sphere of interaction.  Couldn’t quite label it, but could feel it.    But I could see that if I looked at the Hero’s Journey as a spiral, it became the route between the different “levels” of the Chakras, and the Chakras mapped over beautifully with Maslow hierarchy of human needs.  
They pop up elsewhere.    The hypnotic skills of Milton Erickson are legendary.   I’ve seen and done things using his patterns that were so powerful they were almost frightening.  Stories of this phenomenal man, his ability to create therapeutic interventions that were shatteringly powerful, gloriously subtle, and subversively generative (a client would come to him to stop biting his fingernails, and months later his entire family would be transformed.  Spooky) are so far-out that if I hadn’t had them verified from a dozen different sources, and seen the power first hand, I wouldn’t believe them.   Skepticism is absolutely justified when dealing with images and claims at this level.
I had occasion to speak to the man who originally taught me Ericksonian hypnosis a few months ago, and asked a question I’d not thought of before: why, exactly, was Erickson so efficient and effective at creating healthy change?
And the answer brought me right back to the Chakras.  Paraphrased, the answer was that Milton had a simple belief he applied consistently: that 90% of human beings wanted about 90% of the following things:
1) to mature to become a self supporting adult human being. 
2) To find joy in the “hunting and gathering” of daily occupation.  To satisfy sexual needs with ethics and without guilt. 
3) To have a healthy, vibrant physicality.
4) To find love, marry, and have children. 
5) To live a life of joy, growth, health, and contribution. 
6)To age gracefully
6) To die at peace.
Most people, he believed, wanted most of that.  He simply assumed that if people were not functioning along that path, they had a “knot” in the natural flow of their lives, and helped them un-knot it, freeing up the energy they needed to continue their evolutionary process.  That expanded health would then affect their entire family or social structure. 
One reason that this was so successful, of course, is that no one who had their act totally together would show up asking for help in the first place. Was he generally correct?    I don’t know, but so long as you keep an open mind to the probability that not everyone will fit into this pattern, it seems fairly safe to assume that the majority of people want the majority of these things, and let an orange flag raise when multiple arenas are non-optimal.
(By the way, one of my greatest teachers suggested that you can begin this healing/growth process from the “core survival” level up, or the “love” level “out.”  But NOT from the head level down.  In other words, don’t create a map of reality and then try to fit reality into that box.   Begin either with your actual interactions with the world on a pain-pleasure basis, or with the emotional heart-space connections with family and friends.  Either of those leads to growth, whereas being head-heavy can lead to a disastrous overly-intellectual attempt to mould the world into a form consistent with your presuppositions and prejudices.   Your ego will invalidate anything that doesn’t support your beliefs.    It gets ugly)
 If you look at the Chakras as a path of evolution (survival, sex, power, emotion, communication, intellect, spirit) we can see six thousand years of yogic psychology agreeing with Erickson.    And Maslow’s hierarchy (physiological, safety, love/belonging/self-esteem/self-actualization) would seem to be a different window in on the same process.
This suggests that, for instance, in writing a story you can simply wound a character on one of these levels, and then confront them with the challenges they need to grow and heal.
In personal life, you can look at the “weak link” in this chain and by strengthening it, begin to positively affect everything above it.
And in coaching, raising children, or teaching you can simply look at this basic pattern and assume they want CHOICE on each of these levels, and give them the resources to have it.  They may well choose not to have children (for instance)…but I can think of no reason a person wouldn’t want to be emotionally healthy and financially secure enough to raise and protect them if he wanted to.   At the least, a person genuinely secure in their decision not to have a relationship, or to accept poverty, or weigh 300 pounds will simply smile gently at any suggestion that they secretly wish to change.  What they WON’T do is react with  anger, or resentment—those can be safely assumed to be evidence that the person is acting out of fear rather than love or self-actualization.
So I would suggest looking at that chain.    If you function beautifully on all those levels, fantastic.   If not, and you hear yourself saying: “Nah, I don’t want that” then fine.  But if you feel a flash of emotion, especially anger, you may want to look more closely.

Namaste,
Steve
Www.diamondhour.com

Nurturing the "Ancient Child"

As I sort out the next phase of my life, one of the things I’m going to is review all the component pieces of the puzzle, relating them to the three major aspects of my life: relationships, career, physical health.  Because of the way I taught myself to write and live, each of these tools has been tested in my personal life, in coaching and teaching, and as means of constructing characters in novels and screenplays.

The “Ancient Child” is a metaphor, a way of looking at the relationship between different aspects of our personality.  While the result of decades of practice, teaching and research, the structure is very simple: visualize the “chakras” arrayed along the spine.   The “child” self is down at the 1st chakra (survival) the adult is in your heart, the “elder” is above the crown.   These positions are flexible: when I want the “child” in my heart I just change my perspective so that I’m looking down from above the heart, straight down to the root, and there the little rascal is, waving at me.

Science fiction giant Harlan Ellison defined success as “to bring into existence, in adult terms, your childhood dreams.”  That’s fabulous.   Combine that with the fact that countless hospice workers have reported that the things people aspire to upon their deathbeds are deep, clear values.  The life-views or values most often embraced include: Love, forgiveness contribution, self-expression, spiritual growth connection, adventure, and regret for not living fearlessly.  

By the way: making this connection does NOT lead to “childish” behavior.   The child may be self-centered, emotional, grasping, and inexperienced, but the “adult” aspect of your personality is now there for guidance.   Connecting heart, body, and mind gives you complete control of the system, perhaps for the first time in your life.  Love someone?  Fine, but don’t form a relationship unless they can also be a business partner and support your values.  Love that fattening food?  Great, but the “adult”part of you has to know where that road will lead in five years: have a “cheat day” once a week, but if you give in to the tantrums every day, you are in serious trouble.

Work at a job that deadens your soul?  Either find a way to love what you do, or begin NOW to plan your escape to a job where you can do what you love.  It is your “adult” self’s job to protect your heart, protect your dreams, “parent” that kid inside you with what I call “ruthless compassion.”   Be a dragon, a gorgon, an amazon, an absolute rabid tiger in protection of your most precious essence.  But…when you have “vetted” a person or situation as healthy for you…that protective icon can just melt and play with spontaneous joy.  There’s nothing like playing in the sandbox with other “kids” who have “parents” strong enough to keep watch.   
So the simple, simple version is that if we live our adult lives in alignment with BOTH our childhood dreams and our ultimate “deathbed” values, we will act with power and authority, move toward love and away from fear, seek connection without codependence, nurture and love ourselves deeply enough to have love to offer others, express ourselves, and hold every moment as precious and irreplaceable.   

We seek creativity, select health over mere performance, seek “flow” (those moments when ego dissolves and we submerge ourselves in an ecstatic or immersive experience or relationship), choose relationships that challenge and nurture us…it goes on and on.  Tolerate fools less gladly, while having compassion for human weakness.   Insist on honesty from the people around us, and offer it…with love and ruthless compassion.

To treat ourselves as we would our most beloved child.  That’s a core, central principle.   Would you want your own beloved child to take this job?   Associate with this person?  Eat this meal? Cling to this emotion?  Accept or deny this experience?

On your deathbed, will this grudge seem worth holding?  Did this phobia really protect you?   Was this experience really worth spending precious hours/days/years that can never be recovered?

Here are three exercises that can help you zero in, make this connection:

1) Sit quietly, listening to/feeling your heartbeat.

2) Visualize yourself looking at yourself in the mirror.   See the light within the image.  Even if only a spark, condense it into a human form: even as little as a single fertilized cell.  An embryo.   A fetus.   A one year old.   A six year old.  WHATEVER YOU CAN MANAGE.  This represents your sense of the undamaged portion of your Self.

3) With your non-dominant hand, write a letter from your “child” self TO your “adult” self.  Let it flow.  That child is looking at who you are now.   Be prepared to hear what she has to say.

4) With your dominant hand, write a letter from your adult to your “child” self.  What do you wish you could reach back and say?  What teachings, lessons, encouragements, resources would you offer to that younger self?  What apologies?   Commitments?   That “younger” self needs to be connected to your heart, or you will seek approval from others, in inappropriate ways (have a rotten relationship history?  I GUARANTEE you that you have a disconnect on this level!  Fix it, and you will automatically cease seeking love, sex, pleasure, “happiness” with inappropriate partners.)

There is more…much more.  Contact me if you need more personalized guidance.  But in all honesty, THIS WILL GET YOU STARTED!   These are the steps that will “root” you in your life and heart, give you control over your energies, and set you on the path to generative healing and Awakened Adulthood.  Without this connection, you can earn a fortune, win marathons, and be loved by millions and still feel suicidally empty.  WITH this connection, you are free to accomplish simply as an expression of who and what you really are—to begin and live your days with joy and gratitude.

A fast measure of this is: can you look in the mirror, and without a hint of irony smile, see the child you were and say with warmth and joy: “I love you.  You’ve done absolutely the best you could with the resources you have, and I am so proud.”

And…perhaps even hear the answering voice of love and approval.  We play all manner of ugly fantasy games with ourselves.  Any hesitation to play a positive game is a disconnect from that simple “what if?” capacity all children have, the ability to shift roles, the dynamic perceptual flexibility that once allowed us to dream of being astronauts, or cowboys, or actresses, or singers, or…

We still have those abilities.  We DO NOT NEED TO “GAIN” THEM.  All we need is to learn to take the brakes off.  To “chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”  To disassociate with past failures and disappointments.  To extract the lessons from our experiences, but cast off the pain and fear.

To commit to bringing into existence, in an adult fashion, our childhood dreams.  Love yourselves, deeply and without reservation.  Then…send the overflow out into the world, to nurture and support and heal.  The world needs so much healing, and the healing must begin with you.   You do not know the world.  You know your view of the world.  To change what you see, change yourself first. 

Namaste,
Steve
Www.diamondhour.com

Thoughts on Mastery

In a few hours I climb into the truck and start driving back to Cali.  Tonight, I’ll sleep in a little town called Monroe, Louisiana.  Tomorrow, Maybe Abilene Texas (as long as they have AMC.  I’m not missing Breaking Bad!).

I’ll be listening to Sherlock Holmes short stories, and the multidisciplinary Big History audios (my favorite Teaching Company lessons, covering the history of the entire universe.  Yow!) and thinking. A lot.

Who am I now?  What do I want to do with my life?   What do I want to teach?  Write?   If I was emptying myself out, the most important 20% first, what would that be?  What is the most important gift I can give the world, as a way of saying “thank you” for giving me everything I ever wanted as a child?
So strange.   As a boy I wanted to master martial arts and writing, and the art of loving and living with another human being.

To do that, I had to define what “mastery” was.  Tricky subject, because of the media images we accept in such arenas.    But having been around people considered in the top .1% of various fields, people totally committed to their crafts, people who other experts consider “masters” I began to compare what they were saying about it, this sacred thing, this holy grail of human performance.

Because that was what I wanted.  And a few things kept cropping up in common between all arenas of human life, things said by these “masters” and more importantly…by the people who were clear and powerful enough to lift others up to this almost mythical level.

1) Mastery isn’t a noun.  It is a verb.  It is a path, and those who are committed to that path, wherever they are upon it, may be masters.

2) Mastery isn’t about complicated skills.  It is about simple skills, drilled to the point of unconscious competence, such that they can be re-combined into complex patterns even under stress.
3) Mastery isn’t a mask, not something you “put on”.  It is a natural expression of who and what you are.   You write the way you talk.  You fight the way you live.   You love others as you love yourself.  It isn’t a big deal.  It’s just what you are.

4) Mastery isn’t a matter of learning something new.   It is more a matter of cutting away the inessential.  In that sense, in life there is a point of gathering together, and another point of throwing away.   And while masters continue to learn their entire lives, it isn’t that they are learning “more stuff”.  They are seeing deeper and deeper connections within and between the things they already know.

5) Masters see the path, not themselves.   They know that the concept of “mastery” is a joke if it is supposed to mean you are complete.  Hell, in martial arts, most beginning students think a black belt is the end of a process.  Yeah, the process of being a beginner.  It is analogous to “touch typing”—you know where your fingers and thumbs go on the keyboard, but that doesn’t make you a writer.

6) Masters don’t compare themselves with other people.  Not often.    When they do, they are slipping out of that state, and into ego.  Mastery comes from the real you, the hidden you, the unconscious you.  Oh, you can certainly piss a master off and get that ego going, but they often are somewhat embarrassed afterward.  They know that no matter how far or how fast you go, everyone is the same distance from the horizon.

7) Masters are somewhat embarrassed by the term “master.”    They know what it meant to them when they began the process.  And now that they have surpassed their original dreams, all they see is how much more they don’t know.

I remember years back, after a morning martial arts class, I went to breakfast with my classmates, and was grousing about my performance. One of the other students, a black belt in another system who thought highly of my skills, stopped me.   “Steve, don’t say that,” she said. “If someone as good as you are still feels insecure, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

And I got it.  While the process of growth is endless, and the labels without ultimate meaning, the concept that someone can spend forty years practicing a discipline with all the heart and energy you have, and still feel like a beginner can be depressing to someone who is not learning the inner game.  Who is building a wall around their insecurity.

About thirteen years ago I was teaching a martial arts workshop with a fine young black belt.   Afterwards, we were talking, and he got very quiet.   “When will I stop feeling like a fraud?” He asked.  “When will I believe in myself?”

I had no answer.   About seven months later, he blew his brains out.  When I heard, I realized the depths of his misery, of the “impostor syndrome” that was crippling him, of the fact that he had armor-plated his fear rather than actually draining the swamp.  And the demons had simply bred in the dark until they destroyed him.

And grasped that so many of us seek a way out of that darkness. We seek masters, the golden few who have achieved some standard of skill, or strength, or happiness.  We don’t want to know about their insecurities.  Don’t want to know about their sadness.  We want to know how they got there, and that it is worth the journey.

So…the term “master” isn’t about the master.  It is about the student.   About the need to believe in something worth fighting for in life.

And I know that despite all of the struggle, the sense of incompletion, the failures and heart-crushing setbacks…that my life is wonderful.  I have my soul-mate, even if she drives me crazy sometimes.   I have my writing career, all of the fans and money and awards and acclaim…even if there are ups and downs and side-ways ripples.  I have my martial arts, even if I surround myself with people so much better than I am that it feels like I know nothing. But they accept me as a brother on the path of mastery.  If I accept the gifts they have given me, I don't have the right to luxuriate in insecurity.

Wow.   I will never walk away from my family.   Never stop writing and teaching.  Never stop practicing the martial arts I love.

I guess that makes me a master, whether I laugh myself silly thinking about it or not.  And all I want to say to others is that you really can achieve your dreams, but grasp that the doubting voices will never shut the @#$$ up completely.   It’s their job to natter.   It is yours to walk the Path.

In other words: sharks and icebergs and undertow and all…come on in.  The water’s fine.

Namaste,
Steve
Www.diamondhour.com
(P.s.—remember the special “moving sale” on MASTERING F.E.A.R, THE LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG and THE ULTIMATE WRITING BUNDLE”.  Good until I reach L.A. Next week!)

Leaving Atlanta

Atlanta was a necessary journey for Tananarive, and I adore her and Jason, so this is where I had to be, regardless of the cost.   Now I have to go back home, and see what my life is like.   There is, in all honesty, a huge question mark around much of it, but I can live with that.  It is what it is.   I suspect that teaching will be a larger part of my life than it has been in the past for multiple reasons. The largest is that so many of my teachers have died over the last few years, and that puts the burden of passing on the wonderful gifts they gave me.  Just have to figure out what form that will take, so that my family doesn't suffer in the process.  Thats...just logistics.    I’ll be doing more courses, more private coaching, more lecturing.  

But let me just offer to you a central truth: love yourselves, and each other.   Begin by asking what stops you from having a totally open heart.  Need to feel safer?   Made some mistakes in the past?
Then protect your heart by aligning it with your mind.  Clarify your values.  Know yourself.  Never enter a relationship with anyone who conflicts with your core values, or would diminish your self-respect.  Never enter intimate space with anyone who does not honor and support you.

Need more?  Connect with your child self.  Many of us cannot feel protective of ourselves, but CAN feel protective of our children, nieces, nephews.  It’s instinct.   So ask yourself: “what advice would I give my own most beloved child? Would I want them to behave this way?  Associate with this person?  Hold this belief?”

If you align your adult actions with your child’s heart and the values you hold most deeply, life becomes simple.  Not “easy”, but simple and clear.  And every step you take is taking you closer to your true self, and opens the door to your destiny.

There is nothing, nothing in all the world that is superior to the sense of growth, expansion, contribution…and owning your own life.

This is the core of everything I teach and do, everything I was ever given.  And it is my gift to you.
 ###

As I said yesterday, I feel like having fun as I drive across the country, but that means going outside the budget for the move.    The one area of flexibility I have is money generated on the Diamond Hour site, so I'm having a "moving sale" for the next few days,   The "MASTERING F.E.A.R.", "LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG", and   "ULTIMATE WRITER'S BUNDLE" courses will all be 1/2 off.  Several other courses are now part of the "pay whatever you can afford" program, and the rest are very reasonably priced.

If you've ever wanted to score one of these, please use this opportunity.  You'll save a ton, and I'll giggle my way across the country.


Steve
www.diamondhour.com

Don't tell my wife, but...I want some fun!

On Saturday, I climb into the cab
of a honking big moving van,
 and start driving from Atlanta
to California.    I wanted to do
it as a ritual of passage from one
stage of my life to another, but
Tananarive   put me on a strict
budget for the five days the trip
 will take.   But I'm tricky, and
the Diamondhour "special sale"
 money is in a different account...
and I really, really want more
"fun money" to blow on food,
hotels and entertainment as I
travel.    So...I've decided to have
 a "moving sale" over on
www.diamondhour.com.   The
"MASTERING F.E.A.R.",
"LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG",
and   "ULTIMATE WRITER'S
BUNDLE" courses will all be
1/2 OFF for the next five days...

I'd call that a "win-win".  You get
 some of my best work at a deep
discount, and I get to have fun
while I move my family!

But...SHHHH!  Don't tell Tananarive!


Steve
www.diamondhour.com

First feedback on DANGER WORD

We had our first screening of “DANGER WORD” Saturday night, and are over the moon.  We primarily had cheers, and a couple of very sober, excellent critiques.  And spoke to Reggie Hudlin last night and HE also had input to make.   A few things arise from the current situation clearly:

1) We have a winner.  People love it, and a few sharp-eyed folks see ways for us to make it even better.

2) The primary critique is that IF there is a way to make it shorter while preserving the emotional “punch” we should do it.

3) Award-winning Filmmaker Ayoka Chinzira suggested a very specific way to tighten, and explained why.   Part of her suggestion had to do with the “visual poetry” of film, which is slightly different from the primarily linear approach to story that my conscious mind prefers.  There is a “dream logic” to it, and I realized that I needed to SHUT UP that part of my mind, and listen to what she was saying.

There is a time for the conscious mind to work.  And then there is a time to just let yourself “feel” your way through the process.

This ability to move back and forth between your conscious, direct goals and the “texture” or interstitial emotional material that your audience actually consumes.  To look at it another way, plot is the “bones.”  But…we don’t eat bones.  We eat meat.   The meat is the emotions, and they are non-linear, associative, illogical, and constantly blind-side you.

Plot is important, but the emotions are what they must deliver.  A seriously advanced writer can write simply following images and feelings, and deliver something that is exquisitely structured.  We mere humans need the bones.  Goals are critical for the same reason, unless you are one of those advanced, intuitive souls who just awaken in the morning, follow your bliss, and find yourself fulfilling all obligations and constantly improving and expressing yourself.  I’ve met a few of these people, and usually they were folks who DID plan and set goals at an earlier time in their lives…but have integrated goals, values, and dreams to the point where it is automatic.

The conscious in the service to the unconscious. The logical in service to the emotional.   Total attention to the nuts and bolts of learning to ride a bicycle in service to the inevitable “look Maw!  No hands!” moment we all seek.

##

Another lesson to learn is that we need the input of other minds.  One of the most precious things about life is constantly surrounding yourself with the best, most challenging and perceptive people you can find.  AND THEY MUST BE COURAGEOUS.   I watched Ayo’s face, and she was reluctant to speak.  Why?  Because the rest of the room was raving about what they’d seen.  But probably more importantly, because SHE DIDN’T KNOW HOW WE WOULD REACT.

Many artists SAY they want brutal feedback, but they can’t actually handle it.  They don’t have enough genuine confidence in themselves to be able to hear that something isn’t perfect.

A mature human being doesn’t want to “think” they are good. They want to actually BE good.  The best they can be.  And that means they must accept criticism without expanding it to a global condemnation.   (Can’t leap to: “it all sucks!”  This is childish and indicative of binary thinking.   I see this in political arguments: criticize anything about America, and you are saying “America is the worst country in the world.”  Oh, please.)

I know I have blind spots in every area of performance.  If I don’t get feedback from people who love me ruthlessly, I will never be the artist I can be.   I cannot solicit critique and simultaneously protect my ego.   I have to associate with the dream of being my best, not the illusion that I already am.

It is a delicate balance, indeed.  

Namaste,
Steve

Forgivenes

Forgiveness.   There was recently a discussion of the concept of forgiveness.   Words are all we have, but they are partial.   Require additional explanation so that referents are as clear as possible.   I wanted to examine this controversy from my perspective.  I encountered multiple definitions, INCLUDING the concept of abandoning calls for punishment or restitution.

This last is problematic. To forgive a predator once one has determined that said predator can and probably will repeat the behavior is not in my lexicon.  This is not what I spoke of.
The definition: “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Is closer to what I meant. 

The first allows whatever danger the person poses to the community to continue.   The second simply suggests that you give up YOUR negative emotions toward them.

The reason to do this is that carrying the negative emotions are damaging to YOU.   So Dan Moran, who suggested that forgiveness requires a transaction, was responding to the implications of the first definition: that without contrition, without being 99.999% convinced that this person will not repeat the behavior, no wish to punish them…or remove them from the community…is possible.  And from that position, I agree.

However, a person who is genuinely sorry for what they have done will not, I believe, ask not to be punished. They would understand that it is possible to pretend remorse.  If I hurt someone, I would want that person to be SAFE in the future.  If punishing me sent an example, I would want that punishment.  Would not ask for mercy.  It would be part of my restitution.

This is complicated—as I said, we have nothing but words, and it is often necessary to go deeper: what sense of a word?  In what context? In all instances?  And so forth.

So: Forgiveness means releasing the negative.  If the person is still a risk, you can enforce separation or punishment without negative emotions, as dispassionately as swatting a fly or wiping down a counter with anti-bacterial spray.  Nothing personal.  If they “got away with it”, if you’re going to use that negative emotion to accomplish something, and no other emotion will suffice, then go ahead and hold onto it…but release it as soon as possible.

BUT—if the person is incarcerated?  Or dead?   Or out of your life?  Or you are no longer in relationship with them or they no longer have power over you?  And you still hold onto the emotions even though you have no intent or opportunity of “punishing” or “communicating” with them, and those emotions are damaging your life?  Then for your own sake, you should seek a way of releasing those emotions, or they will poison your life, and those who hurt you continue to do so.

Forgive…but take whatever steps you need to be safe, and keep your community safe.  We hold onto negative emotions because we fear that without them, we will not be safe.  But if you learn the lesson, you can release the emotion.  If you can take action from an emotionally neutral position (admittedly more difficult, a higher level of action) you can act from duty, free of karma. 

You deserve a happy life, with love, and warmth, and healing.   The more we hang onto the damage of our pasts, the less we can have these things.  If you are not experiencing dynamic loving partnership, a healthy body, and a joyous contributory career that expresses your essence, unless there is a PHYSICAL issue, the problem may well be in the emotions you carry from your past.

We all have damage.   But I refuse to let my enemies win.   I won’t let them continue beating me, even after they are dead.

Namaste
Steve
(And thanks to Dan Moran and David Gerrold for their comments)

Love isn't enough

 Some people say that if you love someone, you must forgive them…and they mean “forgive” in the sense of allowing them to maintain relationship with you, even in a context where they can harm you.
I suggest that it might be useful to look more carefully at their definition, and see if it serves them. “Love” is that sense of emotional connection. But it is separate from “trust”, which is an evaluation of their values as expressed in action.  I can love Jason, but I wouldn’t “trust” him to drive me on the freeway.  A person who is emotionally or ethically crippled can be worthy of the one, but not the other.    A marriage, for instance, is not just about love.  In fact, in human history marriages have been more primarily about trust, shared values and commitments, and willingness to protect each others’ lives, property, and genetic investments.  Love was often a luxury. 

There are too many cases where I coach someone trapped in a loveless, damaging, abusive relationship that damages the children, and when asked about the genesis of the relationship, what comes out is the sense that they knew the husband or wife was damaged, or emotionally unstable, but that they had no right to judge. 

Unless they are saying that this was the best they could do (closer to the truth) they are deluding themselves. Their obligation was not to the potential partner.  Their obligation was to any children they might bring into the world.  Anyone who doesn’t find the healthiest, most stable and sanest partner that their heart can hold is a fool.  And in being a fool, they are getting what they deserve—until they wake up from the nightmare.

What makes a marriage or relationship?  My choices would be friendship, love, passion, physical attraction, trust, shared values and interests, similar communication styles, shared goals, matching or complementary energy levels.    Any of these things by themselves might be great for a friendship, but when you blend lives, EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT CHILDREN you would be smart to ask if you would WANT this person to raise your children.  Because if not, you need to ask yourself why you are trusting them with your heart, and your life.  And exactly why you deserve less than those children might.   In “Ancient Child” language, what advice would you give yourself if you were your own most beloved child?

And if that advice is different than you currently give yourself…you have work to do.

Namaste,
Steve

Mandela and Mickey Mouse

At the ceremony for Tananarive’s Lifetime Achievement Award in the Arts, I had the great pleasure of meeting Antoine Fuqua, director of “Training Day” and “Olympus Has Fallen” among other terrific films.  And I had the great pleasure of speaking with him at some length about his work.  A phrase he used caught my interest: that successful artists in Hollywood must be “smugglers of meaning.”

“Smugglers of meaning.”    An evocative phrase, yes?  What he meant by that is that the studios want entertainment.  But once you have pitched the story, and made the deal, you have to find a way to make the story personally relevant to you.  It has to MEAN something to you in some way, find an emotional entry point, or it is just hack work.

“Training Day” was a battle between good and evil for the soul of Ethan Hawke, Denzel as Mephistopheles.   “Olympus Has Fallen” is “merely” a Hero’s Journey riff, a character who needs redemption descending into the belly of the beast and emerging with a healed heart.    The question of whether such “mere entertainments” are substantive is a valid one.  Isn’t this just self-deception and justification on the part of a commercial artist?
I say no. 

1)  There are researches suggesting that people sitting in emergency rooms waiting to hear life-and-death news concerning their loved ones cope better if reading fiction than non-fiction.  I believe that the patterns of fiction allow us to take perspective on our lives.  That any valid dramatic structure has to reflect some perspective we have on life itself.  And that in watching others struggle and either win or lose we see ourselves, and can learn without actually suffering the trials.

2) The classic movie “Sullivan’s Travels” deals with a comedy director who wants to write something “of substance.”  His agent and studio tell him he doesn’t have any damned substance to write about, so he gets into a lavish motor home   and sets off on a motor-trip across America to “connect with the people.”  Hilarity ensues…until he loses his memory and identification and ends up on a chain-gang, where he is hip-deep in “substance” and “the people.”   While there, the only respite is a Friday night movie, a Micky Mouse film, and these tormented lost men roar with laughter at the animated hijinx, Sullivan along with them, for just a moment forgetting his problems.

A Hollywood justification?  Not according to comedian Chris Tucker.  While in South Africa, he had the honor of meeting Nelson Mandela.  Humbled by this great man, he mourned aloud that he had done so little in his own life and career.   Mandela would have none of it.  While imprisoned on Robben Island for 27 years, he said, one of the only rays of light sustaining them was…American comedies, especially those with black performers.  Seeing people like Chris Tucker being successful and free, thriving and making people laugh, gave them hope that their own world might change.
“Mere” entertainment lightens stress, gives hope, allows the “heavy lifters” we admire find the strength to keep going.   Don’t ever criticize the work you create, if you are doing your best.  Give it all the heart you have, and you are helping to heal a heart, give hope.  Perhaps free a soul…or a nation.

Namaste,
Steven Barnes

What the world needs now

In the forty years I’ve been practicing the martial arts, I’ve seen physical confidence in students allow them to release the fears of their pasts…including abuse and neglect issues. But they have to allow the physical movements modeling animal and human confidence to penetrate to their cores.

Motion creates emotion.

Help them breathe, move, hold their faces and use language (words, tonalities, pace and rhythm) like a confident, healthy human animal. In my martial arts, whether they are Yin or Yang, there is health and safety. In Tai Chi, you yield while maintaining your center, allowing an attacker to over-extend and destroy their own balance.

From that position, your counter attack is devastating.

In karate, you deflect an attack while denying target…and then counter with crushing speed and power, part of that power created by the collision of vectors. When these tactics become metaphors for dealing with aggression, guilt, shame or anger, the movement of the body in conflict teaches, at the neurological level, how to be safe in the midst of conflict.

How to remain calm and safe even when others are trying to maim or kill you.

And when you ask questions about the core beliefs, attitudes and perceptions that allow mastery in this arena, and begin to apply them to your emotional, intellectual, personal, or financial life, the results are generative.

You change the way people move by changing their emotions. And change their emotions by changing the way they move.

When you remove fear, what remains is love and passion. That heals, and then drives personal evolution.

Our work changes lives. And changed lives change the world. The inner exploration is vastly superior to the external.

As Captain Nemo said in "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea": "this world does not need new lands. It needs new men."

Namaste,
Steve