Nidhi Srivastava's Blog, page 7

Reflections of 2021

All over social media, everyone is reflecting on the past year. On that, I wanted to write my last blog for this year. My year started with a rough patch when my father met with an accident on January 2. We were coping with the situation, and later in February, I met with an accident in the four walls of my rented space in Bangalore. In late January, I took the first and only trip of 2021 with my best friend. We discussed failed friendships, bittersweet memories, and of course, the misery of my life ‘singlehood.’ The accident left a deep scar on my body as well as my mind. I stopped trusting in myself for those few months. My thoughts went to people who had cursed us once during a fight. I don’t mind people cursing me. During my recovery days, I have seen my parents helpless. They saw me struggle even to walk ten steps. We were and are still parading for the matrimonials. My worst nightmare post-recovery was meeting a guy and his family. I wasn’t putting my best foot forward, quite literally. I wore knee-support underneath my dress and tried mind coordinating by smaller steps in the hotel lobby. I want to send this blog to that guy to make him and his family realize that I suffered physically and mentally during that meeting. Though, I am more than glad my match wasn’t finale that day. I can surpass that trouble of matrimonial parade. In August, I lost my aunt, and the grief never subsided. She couldn’t be a part of our big day. But, she was present on my father’s shoulder as a butterfly. Call it a myth, but I believe good spirits come back to support you.
After that rejection again, I was adamant about buying the house. I am glad that my sister was the one who changed my perspective on this topic. It’s been one month since the day when we stepped into the new house. I want to make it official that counts on people who are happy for me. Be with the crowd who praise you in your absence. I always knew I would make better choices in life, at least when it comes to friends. I am glad I have people to celebrate my accomplishments. Also, this year my nephew was born. He was born in the US, and we watch him grow through pictures and video calls. I want to be an aunt we never had.
Every year, I start with the hope of having a life partner and end up broken further. But this year, I would be spending more quality time with myself than someone mediocre. Apart, all the mid-life crises, I would like to thank everyone for reading my blogs and helping me achieve my writing goals. Wishing you all a happy new year, stay healthy, and stay safe.

Aman!

Dear Karan Johar,

I know I am too late in writing this letter to you. I want to ask you a question, why did you create ‘Aman’? Aman from Kal Ho Na Ho! Why would you create a character which doesn’t exist? I know you would highlight that the movie is based on fictional characters. But, why does Aman feel so real? Why did most of the girls fall in love with him? I have spent my entire life waiting for the love like Aman had for Naina. I spent an entire lifetime living the fact that somewhere someone is dying to fall in love with me. I spent my growing years believing the concept – ‘Red is the color of love.’ I fell in love and fell out of it. I wanted to believe your story. I had faith in the magical world of love. A world beyond imagination seems to love life for me. We live in the era of dating apps, but why do I still want to trust ‘Aman’? I want to believe that there is love in unsaid words. I want to believe there is some man dying to fall in love with me. I want to believe that somewhere someone’s heart is beating for me. I want to believe that someone would love me even after death.

And if ‘Aman’ wasn’t just a character, then I have lived my growing years in a wrong way. I learned the incorrect definition of love. I believed in wrong-kind of love. Apart from everything the fictional world preaches, I want to believe in ‘Aman’.

Rewind

As we hit the snooze button for this weekend, I would like to run through my past few days with all my readers. I apologize for my last blog if it left a lump in your throat. I wasn’t ready for it, but I had to post it to get it out of my system, if not my mind. I am about to turn 32 next year, and I have realized that I could be a workaholic. I can drown in work endlessly to overcome any situation. I did the same in these past few days. I do make it a point to reward myself for the hard work. Currently, I have binged watched some fantastic series on Netflix. I would spare the details for everyone to soak into the holiday season.
Recently, one of my acquaintances made a comeback in my life. I cannot believe my destiny at times. Life throws me into situations to break every bone in my body. Currently, my heart is not in a position to fall in love with a ‘Black Cat Commando.’ I am vocal about this situation to help my heart understand the consequences. I don’t want to wait for a call every night with zero hopes on network connectivity. I have had some worst heartbreaks in history. Currently, I am not ready to subject my brain to another trauma. The nation comes first, as the tagline speaks louder for the Armed Forces.
On a lighter note, I met one of my friends after ages. It has been one of the soothing events of my life this year. Friends can come as a blessing in your life. One of my friends next to the family has also landed in Bangalore. Mentally I feel a lot calmer today.
Well, I would like to sing praises for one of the Bollywood movies – ‘Manmarziyaan.’ I watched the movie today to kill some time in hand. I have turned into a big fan of Abhishek Bachchan. No one would have pulled up the act for a husband in an arranged marriage except him. I am not sure about the movie reviews as it released three years ago. I want to believe that there are men like Robbie in this world. I want to believe that cupping your partner’s face can be platonic. I want to believe that conversations with your eyes would speak louder than words. There’s a lot of emotions in this movie, which everyone might not understand. Call me a crackhead, but a tiny corner of my heart still believes in a prince. My heart still hopes that I am a princess in my fictional world of a happily-married life.

A dreadful night

Two days ago, I had one of the worst nights I lived in here. Someone passed away in my neighborhood. In the silence of the night, all I could hear was the sound of grief. The guy was screaming hard for his mother. I couldn’t sleep that night and all my thoughts lingered to the day when I lost my aunt this year. I couldn’t sleep all night. I could listen to the pain in the cries. The next morning wasn’t pleasant either. I tried to drown myself in work. Trust me, my coworker didn’t make my day any better. In my head, all I could think was about the death and departed souls of my family. My soul was aching to share this incident with someone or just wipe out the memory of that night. Suddenly, I felt lonely in the city I loved the most. I started contemplating all my decisions in life, of living alone, of returning here again. I returned to my friends, but sadly everyone has a partner and I am still riding solo. I somehow started to feel lonelier. I thought I would stop sulking about being single. But now all I can think about is “being lost in the crowd.”

That night would haunt me for a while. I know it’s a part and parcel of life. But I am tired of coming home to an apartment. I want to come home to a person. I hope the universe was listening to this cry of my soul. I feel I have committed uncountable sins to land alone in life. In a few days, I am turning another year old and there is no one by my side to understand my urge for a vacation. I thought I could gather all my courage and move out solo. But all thanks to the new COVID variant, vacation is a luxury or a health hazard now. I wish I could save my soul from dying a miserable death. I hope one day I find a company for my soul, rather than my life. My mind is a mess and my world is silent right before the storm.

Grandparents

Do you miss your grandparents thinking about your childhood days? It has been a long time since my grandparents passed away. But, there is a void that can’t get filled in my life. There is a part of me that always misses them. When my book got published, I missed my ‘Nanaji’ (maternal grandfather) the most. I wanted to read chapters from my book to him. He always knew I would pursue my writing, even though I never studied to be a writer.
Some people always want to show their superiority or judge me for being single. If my ‘Dadi’ (paternal grandmother) lived amidst us, she would have all answers to quite the crowd. We haven’t seen gender discrimination around in the family. All thanks to my grandmother. She might love us a little less than my brothers, but she could take a bullet for both of us.
I gaze at the sky every year on my birthday and say a pray. I know all four of my grandparents are showering blessings onto me. I have grown older and fatter over time. But, I have always kept my favorite sweater closer that was handmade by my ‘Nani’ (maternal grandmother). I was lucky that I grew up amidst my grandparents. They were always by my side celebrating my birthday. But my mind hovers around the future. No one would ever shower me with kisses the way my grandparents would, seeing me in bridal wear. No one would ever love my imperfections as they did. All my grandmother cared about was my weight loss during my college days. No one would have been proud of us than my grandparents in our new home. I lived my childhood listening to their plans about my wedding. But when the actual wedding day arrives, they won’t be around. We are still in the phase where we are clueless if we find a life partner for me. The fact of my grandparents’ absence always lingers and makes my heart heavier. Life would have been different if they were around. They would have loved me with all their heart and soul, whether I got married or lived single.

Act of kindness

I tortured myself to watch the series – Decoupled on Netflix. There has been trash-talking about the series. In hindsight, the series has reflected Indians romanticizing marriage. Why can’t you walk out of the wedlock? Why do you have to feel sorry about the divorced person? Why can’t divorce people remarry or even fall in love? I want to get a better perspective on social thoughts related to divorce. People who are unhappy in their marriage continue to live false life. A man can continue to hide their sexual orientation from the family and bring home a ‘trophy wife.’ Was this necessary? Why can’t we speak the truth about our life choices? There is a long list of questions that revolve around the series. You could check the reviews and watch the series if the plot interests you.
On the other hand, today, I met one of my friends who married right before the pandemic. I didn’t get a chance to meet him after that. But in a couple of minutes that we spent together, he taught me a life lesson. We always complain that rich people are getting richer. With a little gesture of kindness, we can help the people struggling to meet ends in their life. He met his maid while we were heading towards the bus stop. He asked the whereabouts of her children, her health; and even asked for her recent contact number. While bidding goodbye, he gave her snack packets and a small token of love. I got deeply touched by the gesture of kindness he showed. Later he mentioned that money was for his cab fare. We discussed how we should try to help people of low-income strata. I think this was the first time I had seen him performing this gesture. As we age, we mature and try to contribute to society. I wish this holiday season, every one of you would perform one act of kindness for humanity.

A California Christmas: City lights

Hi again! I don’t know why I end up watching romantic movies during the holiday season. Omg! I am crying already after watching an adorable movie on Netflix. Since I live alone, and I don’t have much work to do after office hours. I land up on Netflix and watch every damn Christmas-themed movie, series, and so on. Single have uploaded tonnes of frustrated reels and videos on Instagram after watching movies on Netflix. Well, not dying but metamorphically.
I published a blog a while ago, and after that, I watched a hopelessly romantic movie on Netflix. A ritual that I follow; since I live alone. I put on any random movie or Friends episode while having lunch or dinner. Lunchtime doesn’t give me time to focus on the content. Though, during dinner, I have loads of time to spare. Let’s cut to the chase, say out loud! I watched ‘A California Christmas: City Lights.’ Alright, I have a question where can we get a guy like Joseph! I remember watching the first part of this movie, though I wasn’t expecting a sequel. Guys, Joseph is the man who can slay anything he wears, ranging from a vest to a tux. Callie has featured the most beautiful woman in the world. I can write pages about this movie.
After watching this movie, you would fall in love with the soundtracks. Later, I ended up stalking the stars on Instagram. I didn’t know both of the leading stars were married to each other. They recently became parents. OMG! I am not crying; you are! Why did I watch this movie? My heart is melting right now. I need tonnes of ice cream to settle down. Go, watch this movie and let’s cry together this holiday season. Only singles crying, party guys! Bring hot chocolate.

Superstore

A few months ago, I accidentally clicked on the American TV sitcom – Superstore (TV series). I got addicted to it as I am addicted to FRIENDS. My brother lives in the States teases me that I am more American than he is! I blame all the American sitcoms and movies on Netflix. Superstore’s last season ended on a note where Amy was moving to California for a job. It was upsetting even though her cute boyfriend Jonah did agree to move along with her family. I wasn’t waiting for the next season eagerly than I waited for Money Heist. I know this sitcom has laughter to offer. During my crazy office days, I watched one of the episodes and went to sleep peacefully. I love how a supermarket has different stories to offer. The recent season was the last time they pulled the store shutter down. I loved the way the pandemic got depicted. During the pandemic, it was crazy for every one of us. In India, we watched news channels where the drama never stopped. But this sitcom showed how the Americans tried to survive the pandemic. There was a scene where a lady refused to wear a mask. She also called Glenn (Store manager) a satan. Well, Glenn got upset as he was a follower of Christianity. The show is adorable to its core. The love story of Jonah and Amy is another milestone of this show. Jonah is adorably irritating and hopelessly in love with Amy. I recall another scene where Amy was packing her office, and Glenn walked in with teary eyes. It was an emotional moment as Amy spent a substantial time at the store working by the side of Glenn. Due to the pandemic, they couldn’t hug each other goodbyes. They wrapped arms around themselves, and Glenn embraced himself a little longer to show how upset he was. I have many moments to quote from the show, which I loved. But I would recommend you guys to watch this show if you haven’t already. “Have a heavenly day!”

Hypocrites

We are hypocrites, believe it or not. We care about our problems yet make fun of others. Mental health was one of the topics that sailed up during the pandemic. Before the pandemic, we allowed people to walk over us. Employees play the mental health card if questioned for work. Do you think that’s appropriate? I believe it is inappropriate to use your privileges. Everyone assumes that people with strong personalities cannot have mental breakdowns. I started my day having the roughest conversation with one of my colleagues. People have new ways to escape scenarios. I want to term the immature behavior of my colleague as a result of the male ego. The clash was the second one in a month. I don’t appreciate it when people assume that I am a strong-headed person. I can break down too. I have never made too many friends in the corporate world. The reason is someone would play you or play against you. It’s a world you cannot trust. People keep a count of favors they do. I have been made long-term friends through my corporate connection. I am glad none of us were waiting for the other one’s downfall. The unpleasant conversation reminded me of Harvey’s quote: “Caring is for the weak. You care, and they’ll walk all over you.”
As my mental health took a toll today, I took a leave. My manager was quite accomodating and pushed me to avail myself of a break. I binged watched one of my favorite shows on Netflix. I also related to Monica from the TV show – FRIENDS. She could overcome a sad situation after a deep cleaning of the house. I felt like walking in Monica’s shoes today. “The grass always seems greener on the other side.” We should stop being hypocrites, and respect everyone’s mental well-being.

Rant

I have recently watched a few movies on Netflix. Today, I wanted to write about those movies. But, the day has turned out to be outrageous. With a heavy security deposit charged here, I could not afford an apartment in a gated community. Though, I found a decent place to sustain my life. I am glad my landlord didn’t ask me a hundred questions about my singlehood. Life is not a bed of roses, as they say. Right before the holiday season, work becomes hectic. But my neighbor’s kids always decide to scream during the night. I have lost my patience in this past week. Here, singles can’t even object to kids screaming on top of their lungs. We can’t object to a man screaming at his wife. The social rules are so unfair. By the evening, when I am exhausted with all the work. I wish to relax for a bit, but I cannot.
I am just ranting about a problem that cannot be resolved. I want to throw an example at their face by playing loud music. Or even inviting my friends for a dinner. But, I cannot gather the strength of another fight. I don’t understand the language, so slang might be an everyday affair. I am so glad, my father gave me stress buster equipment which I am using these days for my anger management.