Angela Baughman's Blog, page 39

Figuring Out Where I Belong

When I was considering Disney heroines for our theme this month, I almost skipped Esmeralda. Her story feels too close to my story. Her feelings are too similar to my feelings. The rejection she experiences stirs up memories. Her connection with a church that is not a representative of Christ’s love is painful.

But I did choose her. Largely because her song, “God Help The Outcasts” takes me right back to my freshman year of college. “El Shaddai” (meaning God Almighty) recorded by Amy Grant was on a cassette tape I listened to in my walkman as I walked between classes on campus. Amy sings a line in that song that says, “To the outcast on her knees you were the God who really sees.” Every time she sang that line, I would feel hopeful that a day would come when I would feel like something more than an outcast.

We’ve all experienced things that made us feel like an outsider. It happened to me growing up every time I moved to new communities, schools, and churches. It happened to me as I got older when I started new jobs. It still happens to me when I am around a peer group that has closer relationships with each other than they do to me.

But I don’t think I will ever experience the feeling of being an outcast more than I did my senior year of high school. When you are sixteen years old, and everyone suspects you are having a romantic relationship with a teacher, the isolation is real. You don’t forget the feeling of a room that gets quiet when you walk in or of people avoiding eye contact with you as you walk through the hallways.

Even though these songs that speak about outcasts hit on something deep in my soul, I still listen to them. Because now, in addition to the memories they connect me to, they also connect me to victory. I have learned something that cannot be removed nor shaken. I have learned that God Himself accepts me. God Himself adopts me. I am His child. I belong to Him. He lives in me. And His presence is incorruptible and unchanging. So I am not an outcast. I never was. I never am. I never will be.

Standing firm on that understanding took a long time for me. It was a difficult process with a lot of steps forward and steps backward. But I am grateful for the journey. I still have much to learn. I still have days when I don’t feel quite as confident. But I know the One who holds me. And I love Esmeralda’s question when she says to God, “I see Your face and wonder, were You once an outcast, too?”

It gives me great comfort and encouragement to believe that there’s nothing I have experienced that Jesus doesn’t understand. His church rejected Him. His friends abandoned Him. He died in humiliation. But that was not the end of His life story. Which means rejection did not have to be the end of my story. And if you happen to be experiencing that kind of pain, it’s not the end of yours, either.

God help the outcasts. Thank you, Esmeralda.

Peace.

Becoming A Voice With Purpose

While I have long loved the music in the Disney classic Aladdin, there wasn’t a song in it that touched my heart the way “Speechless” in the new live-action version does. In this song, Princess Jasmine vulnerably shares the deep pain she has experienced because she lives in a world that tries to keep her quiet and small. Though she is qualified and passionate about leading the people of her country, a woman cannot hold the office of the sultan. Therefore, her ideas and dreams are shut down and tuned out.

Jasmine faces a difficult choice. Please the opposition, which includes her father, so that they are satisfied with her silence and back off. Or follow the fire that burns inside her, step out, and use her voice to make a positive impact in the world.  I’m not a princess, and I spend no time considering how I would lead a country, and yet more than once I have listened to the beautiful voice of Naomi Scott singing these words and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Because I can so relate.

I’m working right now on a message I will deliver to a group of teenage girls on a retreat over Labor Day weekend. The talk is about how God designed us as unique creatures, and a relationship with Him can help us realize and be confident in the way He created us. As often happens when I’m putting together something to share with others, I realize that I have more to learn on the topic I’ve been given than anyone who will hear me speak.

Because for me, accepting the way God designed me has been challenging. For years, I have seemed to be “too much” for some people. When met with their disapproval, I often felt like I was wrong in my thoughts or actions, and I would work to shrink back or minimize my presence.  But as my relationship with God has deepened, I am learning that I’m not wrong. (Ok, I’m wrong sometimes, but I’m not wrong simply because I expressed an opinion, you know?)

I am created by God to be someone who speaks. God stirs my heart to encourage growth and change. To be a catalyst for transformation. To make a positive impact. To say the things that are left unsaid. To speak truth. To question authority when it is legalistic and bullying. To raise my voice for the voiceless. This is who I am. This is how He created me to be.

It’s scary sometimes – being wired this way. Too often I get caught up in “what might happen if I say that” instead of leaning into the familiar stirring of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I wait too long and miss the opportunity presented. Sometimes it hurts when the response feels more like a personal attack and less like a healthy dialogue between adults.

But I am deciding one situation at a time to lend my voice when I am led to do so. To share my thoughts and experiences in the hope that what God is teaching me might benefit someone else as well. God designed me, and God designed you. He did so with intentionality and reason. Let’s all take steps towards being the best version of God’s design we can possibly be. I’ll do me. And you do you. And together, we will be exactly what the world needs.

I won’t be speechless. Thank you, Jasmine.

Peace.