Angela Baughman's Blog, page 36

I Believe In What I Cannot Explain

In the summer of 2010, our family was involved in a serious car crash. A driver of another car crossed the center line and hit us head-on because he had fallen asleep. Our then six-year-old son, Alex, had multiple injuries and was air-lifted from the scene to a children’s hospital in St. Louis, Missouri.

Because I would spend the next few days in a different hospital, my father was the one who stayed with Alex. Alex’s Pawpaw slept in his hospital room, sent him off and received him back from surgeries and procedures, and did everything he could to keep Alex as comfortable as possible.

Alex was (and still is) a huge Scooby-Doo fan, and my dad happened to have his iPad with him. Dad decided to download an episode of Scooby-Doo onto his iPad, and watching it made Alex happy. Then Dad downloaded another episode and another, and it continued to be something Alex could do with mobility-limiting injuries, including two broken arms. I wouldn’t learn of this until months later, but often while Alex slept, my dad would download new episodes that Alex could watch on his Pawpaw’s iPad while he was awake. And it brought Alex some comfort amidst a scary and difficult situation.

Here’s the amazing, sometimes God shows up in unexplainable ways part of the story: my dad had neglected to bring a charger with him. He didn’t know when the day began like normal that it would end in a children’s hospital, and he wouldn’t leave it for days. My father was all alone with a broken little boy, and Scooby-Doo episodes on the iPad eased the anxiety. But there was no way to charge the battery, and it was only a matter of time before the device would die.

But the battery never did run down. Alex and my dad were in the hospital together for four days. For four days, my dad continued to download episodes. For four days, Alex continued to watch those episodes. And for four days, that battery stayed charged.

You don’t have to believe me. Or you can find a way to explain why it happened. I’m okay with that. But you’ll never convince me that God didn’t keep that battery charged. We had been through significant trauma, one that affects our lives every day even ten years later, and God in His kindness looked down upon my father and my son who were doing the best they could in a tough situation and just kept that battery alive for them. That’s my truth.

Moses had a burning bush (Exodus 3). Gideon had a fleece (Judges 6). Peter walked on water (Matthew 14). Lazarus was raised from the dead (John 11). Jesus speaks to Mary after He had been crucified, dead, and buried (John 20).

God’s Word is brimming with stories of ways He shows up that we can’t explain. What if instead of trying to figure out how something happened, we stop, turn our face heavenward and acknowledge His presence with a, “thank you.”

Even though I know I am important to God; I don’t always feel that way. My emotions are fickle, and the enemy is a good liar. There are times when I wonder how much I matter to God, and He gently brings back to me a memory like the one of the iPad. One where I can’t prove it, but I know He was there. He showed up when I needed Him, and it’s simply unexplainable.

Peace.

This post is chapter 8/10 of The Ways God Speaks To Us

The Beauty I Too Often Overlook

I love having a view of the mountains. I love the peaceful surrender I experience when I look out over their majesty. I don’t often see the mountains, and so it always takes me by surprise that something nonexistent in my everyday experience is present all the time in other parts of our world. It reminds me of how God reveals Himself as Creator in a wide variety of ways.

In the summer of 2018, my husband and I took Alex to Gatlinburg, Tennessee, for what turned out to be a nearly-perfect week of vacation. Alex had just turned four, and it was becoming obvious to me that his baby and toddler days were fading fast. He was quickly becoming a little boy, and the realization was bittersweet.

The week we were in Gatlinburg offered us beautiful weather. The kind of weather where you can sit outside, and you’re neither hot nor cold. The skies were clear, the mountains were spectacular, and Alex had taken a liking to a porch swing on the deck of our cabin that was built high on the hill and nestled back into the trees.

He was still taking naps, and nearly every day of that vacation in the mid-afternoon, Alex would sit on the swing beside me, crawl up into my lap, and fall asleep. I would sing to him, hold him close to me, and use one foot to keep the swing rocking gently back and forth. I would see the mountain view, feel the gentle breeze on my skin, look down at the child that held so much of my heart, and breathe in the peace and presence of God. I have a lot of sweet memories from that trip. But what I remember most these twelve years later is how I felt sitting on that porch swing with Alex. And I remember how close I felt to God.

I’m not much of an outdoor girl. I don’t seek time in nature to connect with God. Truthfully, it rarely occurs to me to do so. But I know He speaks through His creation. Even to those of us who aren’t naturally moved by nature, God’s voice is speaking through the beauty that is all around us. We only need to pause and notice.

Sometimes it is in the chirp of a bird or the rain against a window. Sometimes it is in a sunset or the gentle sound of wind in the trees. It is in the snowflakes of winter, the first flowers of spring, the pop-up thunderstorms of summer, and the changing colors of fall. God’s voice is singing over us, and offering us constant reminders that He is at work in our lives.

I don’t want to be so busy that I miss Him calling to me through my surroundings. Every once in a while, I want to be overwhelmed by what He has given me in which to live. I want to stand with arms wide open soaking in all the goodness that is right before my eyes.

I encourage you to pause today at some point and find beauty in the world around you. And when you notice it, offer up a word of thanksgiving to the One who gifted it to you. I will do the same.

Peace.

This post is chapter 7/10 of The Ways God Speaks To Us

God Speaks In A Language Of Love

TMI warning – some of my best ideas come to me while I’m in the shower. After years of shower-time revelations, it’s now a joke between my husband and me. He’ll walk into our bathroom while I’m getting ready for the day and I will let him know I’ve been “thinking.” His reply is generally something along the lines of, “oh no.” And then we’ll laugh because we both know it’s often in the shower when God opens my heart to His direction.

Why the shower? Well, I have a theory about that. It’s because He has my undivided attention in there. Sometimes I play music while I’m in the shower, but many days I appreciate the silence disturbed only by the sound of the falling water. I take deep breaths in and out and feel the cleansing I am receiving both physically and emotionally. And in my mind, I often experience the voice of God.

Recently I heard someone say that we can be still and know (from Psalm 46:10) or we can stay busy and forget. So much of whether or not we hear God speaking to us is our decision. I know for sure He is calling us, guiding us, leading us, and correcting us every day. But we choose whether or not we will make space to listen to Him.

I hear God in my thoughts in the shower, yes. And I hear Him in the quiet of my office when my Bible is open, and I am studying. I hear Him when I am praying. I hear Him when I am worshipping in private. Bottom line, I hear Him when I still my life and seek Him.

One morning last week while I was in my bathroom getting ready for the day, I was facing an all-too-familiar decision about whether or not I would sit and do some Bible study before I got started in on other things. My day was going to be full (probably too full), and it would sure feel good to get a few things accomplished right away.

But as I was putting away my cosmetics and winding the cord around my flat iron to store it away, my mind was aware of a familiar voice. Two familiar voices, actually. One voice was saying something like, “you must do your Bible study first, or you aren’t the good Christian you profess to be.” And the other voice sounded more like, “I would love to spend time with you this morning, but don’t forget my love for you does not depend on this decision.”

Which of my thoughts were from God, and which were not? Here’s what I use to make the distinction. God is love. God is invitational. God is persistent. God is faithful, good, and kind. But God is not condemning. God is not shaming. God is not mean, punishing, or hateful.

I measure the words I hear through the greatest commandment to Love God, Love Others, and Love Self. If what I am hearing isn’t loving, it isn’t of God. In my experience, even God’s correction is loving. It may not always be pleasant, but it is always offered to build me up. It is never lashed out at me to tear me down.

So, take a shower. Take a walk. Take time to pull away from the busyness in your life that tempts you to forget. Let your mind wander free to think about anything and everything. And when you hear a thought and wonder if that might be God talking to you, evaluate the discovery through the lens of love.

Peace.

This post is chapter 6/7 of The Ways God Speaks To Us

Some Dreams We Don’t Forget

I had a miscarriage in the spring of 2007. I entered the doctor’s office for a routine appointment, and I left knowing that the baby I carried inside me no longer had a heartbeat. I was shocked, scared, angry, and sad. How had this become my reality?

It took a few days for me to recall that earlier in the week, I had a dream. It was detailed enough that I remembered it the morning after, but I dismissed it as a combination of hormones and thinking so much about a new baby. I had nearly forgotten all about it. But after the news of my baby’s death, the dream came back vividly.

In the dream, I was in a room delivering my baby. There were nurses all around dressed in white. I kept protesting to them because they wanted me to free the baby from my body so they could take care of it. But I reminded them it was too early. And I kept telling them I wasn’t really in labor because I didn’t feel any pain. I tried to reason with them to see it my way. But they weren’t responding to my confusion.

Instead, they were calm but firm in their instruction. Deliver the baby. They said it was the right time, even though it didn’t feel that way to me. They kept telling me she would be alright. They invited me to trust them. Then quickly, I had the baby without any pain. And one of the nurses dressed in white carried her away.

Now, you might think I’m a little crazy. There’s nothing about any of this that I can prove. But I believe that my baby’s heart stopped beating that night while I slept. I believe it was a girl. I believe those nurses in my dream were a picture of God ushering my child into His forever presence. And I believe with all my heart that she is indeed alright.

The Bible is filled with stories of how God speaks in dreams. God speaks about coming events, calls people to His service, provides direction, and gives warnings through dreams. All over the Old and New Testaments, there are examples of hearts being stirred and strengthened during sleep in ways we cannot explain.

As for me, I have had other experiences of God using a dream to get my attention. But the dream with me and my unborn baby has been the most impactful of my life thus far. I often think of that experience and though I still wish I had been able to know and mother the child I lost, I am comforted by a sense of peace. God knows her, and she is important to Him. I am thankful for His kindness in allowing me an experience with her that I can remember. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do understand now that the only thing I know for sure about her is that she is with the One who loves us both.

Peace.

This post is chapter 5/7 of The Ways God Speaks To Us.

Negative Feedback Doesn’t Change God’s Love

I am a big fan of the ladies who birthed FlourishWriters, and I have been a part of their writing community for about a year. Last spring, one of the women, Jenny Kochert, went on Facebook Live to offer suggestions on handling criticism of our work. One of the ideas I clearly remember from what she shared was taking time to ask God, “What do I need to learn from this experience, and what do I need to let go?”

Fast forward about six months to the Women Speakers Collective Bootcamp in Chicago. Danielle Strickland was leading a teaching session and the topic of dealing with criticism came up again. Danielle’s advice was much the same as Jenny’s and she encouraged all of us to make an important distinction and decide what part of the criticism we would receive and what part we would not receive. What could help us grow was the feedback we could RECEIVE. That which attacked us personally or felt like it was tearing us down was the feedback we could NOT RECEIVE.

The encouragement from these two women around this topic has helped me immensely. As a recovering perfectionist people-pleaser, criticism can be devastating to me. I tend to move quickly past anything that could be helpful and only hear that I didn’t measure up, that I offended someone, or that the best thing for me to do is to sit down and stay quiet.

But God has roared through my heart like a mighty wind the past couple of years. He has worked with me on strengthening Spiritual muscles and quickening my discernment so that I can more easily separate lies from truth. He has called me to be brave, take risks, and accept opportunities for my voice to be heard. But to do that, I had to learn to handle the negative feedback that always comes from somewhere. Could I look at it as an opportunity to learn rather than an invitation to quit because I had failed?

While I was in Chicago for the Bootcamp, I realized how different I was from many who presented there. I was the only one at the event who spoke from a manuscript, and there was a sentiment among all those who taught that using notes was a big negative. So it was a difficult thing to stick to my preferred speaking style when I knew going into it they wouldn’t support it. But I did stick with it because it is who I am, it is how I had prepared, and I was pretty sure that changing something at the last minute that had been my routine for fifteen years of preaching and speaking would not serve me well.

It’s been interesting how God has used my time in Chicago to grow me over the past four months. I have practiced Jenny and Danielle’s advice and sifted through the feedback to identify what to RECEIVE and what to NOT RECEIVE. I have been preaching more spontaneously and have done several short devotions with no notes at all. And it’s been good. But the next time I’m asked to speak somewhere, I will likely write out a manuscript and share what the Holy Spirit guided me to write at my computer in the quiet of my office. And that’s good, too.

Sometimes knowing where you don’t fit is just as important as figuring out where you do. I know who I am and what I offer. And I also know I have room to grow. But God’s love is faithful. He loves manuscript Angie and no-notes Angie. He loves fearful Angie and confident Angie. He loves serious Angie and fun Angie. That I RECEIVE — His love. But the lies of the enemy that tempt me to question my worth? That friends, I do NOT RECEIVE.

Peace.

This post is chapter 4/7 of The Ways God Speaks To Us.

Life’s Chaos Is No Match For God’s Peace

The stress was getting to me. Almost a year earlier, I had agreed to work at a weekend retreat for teenage girls, and somehow that year hadn’t been enough time to get myself ready. I was overwhelmed by the realization that the list of things to get done before I left kept getting longer, while the hours remaining before my departure were quickly slipping away. At best, it left me questioning my decision to commit to the event. At worst, it tempted me to question my effectiveness in my primary roles of wife, mother, and pastor.

I finished packing up my van and drove out to the camp hosting the retreat. Once I arrived, I swapped stories with a few other people who were experiencing similar feelings as they left their homes to serve alongside me. We shared our concerns about things at home left undone, work that would undoubtedly get behind schedule, and family commitments that we would have to miss while we were away.

But then the conversation turned to why we wanted to be at the retreat, and why we had said yes in the first place even though it required sacrifice. As we settled into what would be our community for the next three days, we talked about the confidence we had that God was going to be at work in the hearts and lives of people. And as I stood in that circle, I was able to let go of the negative feelings I had about the things I had left behind, and I became aware that I was completely at peace about my decision to commit to this experience.

Too often, I reject God’s offering of peace without even realizing I’ve done it. I tell myself that His peace is only present if things around me are tidy, and if my feelings are unruffled. I forget to remember that God’s peace is available to me even while I stand in whatever storm I currently find myself in. Through grief, uncertainty, fatigue, disappointment, or any other negative emotion that threatens to pull me under, God’s peace is still present and it is still available to me.

The weekend was spectacular. Oh, it was challenging at times because the schedule was kind of brutal for an old lady (compared to teenagers), and the things kids deal with are heartbreaking at times. But it was still a glorious experience as I, to the best of my abilities, used my witness and testimony to point others to Jesus. I got a front-row seat to the evidence of God’s grace as I watched joy radiate from young faces who were experiencing the love of Jesus Christ in a real and personal way.

Then I came back home to a mess. Not my house, because my husband is awesome, and he worked on some laundry and made our boys pick up before I got home. But there was still mess in my mind because there was mail to check, and email inboxes to work through, and homework papers to sign, and stories to hear about things I’d missed. And again, I felt a bit overwhelmed.

But I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I had a choice, and exhaled my need to rush around trying to make everything around me perfect again. Instead, I visited with my boys and heard about their weekends. I went to dinner with my husband and talked about my experiences. Then I came home, washed my face, changed into pajamas, and crawled into bed. I was completely at peace with my decision to have been gone those days. As I drifted off to sleep, I reminded myself that everything would get taken care of and put back into place before too long. I relaxed into the peace that is mine to claim as a cherished child of God.

Peace.

This post is chapter 3/7 of The Ways God Speaks To Us.

That Was The Last Thing I Wanted To Hear

I was sitting in The Plaza restaurant on Main Street, U.S.A. in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. Most of the college interns spent some individual time with a supervisor towards the end of their program. Jim and I had worked closely together, and he asked me to join him for lunch. I agreed, but I was a bit nervous. One-on-one conversations were not my strong suit.

The conversation that unfolded was one I can still recall twenty-five years later. While eating a club sandwich in a crowded restaurant filled with Disney vacationers, Jim’s unexpected advice would soon change the entire trajectory of my life. He had learned that the company had offered me a small promotion and an extension of my internship. He knew how hard it would be for me to turn down their offer because I desperately wanted to be a part of the Disney family. And somehow he also knew staying would be the wrong decision for me.

Jim spoke firm, fatherly advice when he told me I needed to return to Illinois and finish school. He told me Disney would still be there when my education was complete. He assured me that he and others would remember my contributions if and when the time came that I wanted to return. I listened, even though at the time, I thought his counsel was all wrong. But a few weeks and several unexpected twists and turns later, I found myself at the end of my internship, turning in my company ID, and packing up my little red Chevy Sprint to head back home.

I want to say I have always been at peace with that decision, but nothing would be further from the truth. Instead, I have often thought the opposite – that I should have stayed in Florida and made my life there. But even when I felt like I had chosen wrong, I could never shake the memory of listening to Jim speak confidently into my life. I knew deep down that he had been right even though I sometimes tried to blame everything wrong in my life on the fact that I’d left Disney when I had the chance to stay.

What made me pause when Jim offered advice that was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear or do? It was two things. The first was that over the months I had worked for him, he had shown me nothing but respect. He recognized my desire to learn as much as I could, and he spent time teaching me additional responsibilities. The second thing was his faith. He was a Christian who knew I was a Christian, and there was a mutual affection between two people who were trying to navigate life with similar values.

Because of that, Jim’s words are something I still think of often. And it’s not his words exactly because I have forgotten what he said specifically. It’s what I know now but didn’t recognize then as the stirring of the Holy Spirit within me. While he was talking, I somehow knew to listen. The Spirit cemented the memory in my mind, and I now understand that God used Jim as His instrument to communicate something important to me that day. I would need to recall it later, and the Spirit invited me to open my heart to the truth He was telling me.

Lots of people offer advice for a variety of different reasons. It can be difficult to find anything of value amidst all the clutter. But when we stay connected to Jesus, He will sometimes send a message through someone when we least expect it. And when He does, He will use someone who offers a Spirit connection. It won’t matter if we know them little or well. It won’t matter if they are in our lives for days or decades. What will matter is that the Spirit that lives in us recognizes the same Spirit that lives in them.

Peace.

This post is chapter 2/7 of The Ways God Speaks To Us.

Calling To God From The Darkness

I had failed again. At least that’s how I felt. My involvement in a ministry project that I had poured my heart and soul into had come painfully to an end. A similar situation had unfolded in my life only eighteen months earlier. And as I sat in the ruins of what remained from all I had invested in, I wondered how I had ended up in this familiar place once more.

The months following were difficult. Leaving the place that had meant so much to me left me feeling confused, discouraged, and doubtful of God’s call on my life. Maybe He didn’t desire to use me in His work after all. Maybe my contributions weren’t all that positive. Maybe I was wrong about where I had heard Him leading me to serve.

I now affectionately call those days my whale-belly dwelling. We remember that story about Jonah, right? When he heard God’s voice calling him to something, he decided he wasn’t interested, tried to run away from God, and ended up in time-out inside the belly of a great fish. I’m quite certain that of all the possible scenarios Jonah had imagined about where his life would go, existing inside a large sea creature had to be near the bottom of the list. But there he was. And there I was in the darkness and mess that was my reality — wondering how I got there and what I needed to do to get out.

It has been my experience that God often uses our difficult circumstances to speak to us. In the book of Jonah, we read how Jonah cried out to God from his disappointing surroundings. That’s what I eventually did as well. I repented my pride, confessed my sorrow, and asked God to speak truth into my life. I didn’t like where I was, and I wanted to be somewhere that was lighter and more peaceful. I knew God was the One who could point me in a better direction.

I didn’t get vomited out onto the beach as Jonah did, but I did get catapulted into a new season of ministry. God opened my eyes to how I was using a natural gift of planning and organizing as an idol. Yes, that sounded harsh to me at first, too. He had been calling me into a season of strengthening my teaching and writing, but much like Jonah, I had been running away from that calling to stay in a place more comfortable for me.

Realizing my misstep was disappointing and painful. But God responded to me much like He did Jonah. He released me from the confusing cold and darkness, ushered me into a season of light and clarity, and then affirmed the same instruction He had been offering for a long time. “Deliver the message I have given you.” Jonah 3:1 (NLT)

If you are in a place of undesirable circumstances, hear this encouragement. God loves you. He is speaking to you. He is still at work in your life. These days may not be easy, but neither are they in vain. The Light is often the brightest after we have experienced a whale-belly dwelling.

Peace.

 

Find the story of Jonah in Jonah 1-4.

This post is chapter 1/7 of The Ways God Speaks To Us.

There Has Never Been Nor Ever Will Be Another You

I got a few new things for Christmas. I’m enjoying all of them, but one of my favorite gifts is a gray hoodie sweatshirt with the Steady On logo. My husband had it made for me, and I adore it. The sweatshirt is both personal and unique. It speaks to what is important to me and, at least for now, it’s the only one like it in the whole world.

In 2 Corinthians 5:17, the apostle Paul tells us that anyone who accepts Christ is a new creation. What does it mean exactly to be a new creation in Christ? I did a little investigating recently on the word “creation” used in this verse, and I came across something that deepened my understanding of the idea that we can be made new by accepting a relationship with Jesus.

At the risk of getting bogged down in a word study, let me tell you in simple terms that the Greek word for creation is associated with a few other words. These words talk about God making something that wasn’t there before that only God can make. It also points us to the idea of one acquiring something for oneself. God calls us to Him, continuously invites us to experience His love and grace, and keeps us to Himself in that we are His and He is ours.

Only God can bring out the best in us. Only God can take negative life experiences and expose the beauty that is in them. And God does this to draw us close to Him and use us in His Kingdom work. As we strengthen our connection with Him and experience His grace, we learn to love and trust Him more. As that process continues, we become changed. We are a continuous new creation as we walk with Jesus.

Like my sweatshirt, we are uniquely created. God designs us and grows us individually. He takes our personalities, our locations, and all the good and bad experiences, and makes out of us something this world has never seen before. There has never been and never will be another us in God’s creation.

And He holds us close to Him. He is possessive like a loving parent but without any of the unhealthy emotions that can go along with parent/child relationships. He keeps watch, He stays involved, and He wants to be the first One we run to when we are scared or in trouble. He lets us make our own choices, but He is always available, always loving, and always merciful.

As we greet this new decade, let us be mindful that wherever we are in our relationship with God, today is a day of newness and hope. We are His creation. That is good. And every day, we have the opportunity to be newly created. Our hearts can be more firmly linked with God’s heart as we spend time with Him, study Him, worship Him, and serve Him.

Happy New Year, friend. The best is yet to come.

Peace.

 

When God Speaks To Me, I Get Nervous

Women in the Family Tree of Jesus issue 5/5

I remember specific details about my surroundings during the moments I felt God calling me to step away from the first church I served. The experience was so powerful that I can easily recall where I was and who was around me. I remember the tears that filled my eyes that were almost immediately followed by a heaviness of heart. I remember excusing myself and finding the restroom and sitting on the floor as I experienced a huge avalanche of emotions. In those moments, I felt a lot of things, and most of it was unsettling and scary.

When an angel visits Mary, the Bible says she was greatly perplexed at what he said (Luke 1:29, AMP). The Greek word for this is diatarasso which means to agitate greatly. Mary felt nervous and confused even before the angel would tell her about her unimaginable pregnancy. She was greatly perplexed simply by the angel’s presence and his greeting. Mary received a visit by God’s messenger and it disturbed her.

When we receive a stirring of the Holy Spirit, it is most often unsettling. When God enters our life unexpectedly, it challenges what has become comfortable. We can find ourselves thinking and feeling differently. We may consider options for our life that we never dreamed could be a reality. Sometimes our world is turned on end. Sometimes we are asked to take a risk. Whatever the movement of God asks or reveals, it almost always brings change. And change is scary. We may not have known the word diatarasso, but we know diatarasso.

When we find ourselves in this place, we have two options. The first one is quick, decisive, and oh so tempting. We can ignore the stirring. We can push it down and hold tightly to the life we have. We can raise our palm to it and tell it to back off because we’re just not listening. We like our predictable circumstances the way they are, so no thank you to the invitation to adjust our priorities or direction.

Or we can hear the response of Mary. Confused, troubled, nervous Mary, who considers her questions and concerns and decides to respond to the angel with a brave affirmation of her desire to be used by God in His work. I am the servant of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word. (Luke 1:38, AMP) The news the angel brought was going to change her life whether she embraced her calling or not. But Mary provides for us an example of surrender and trust in the God she serves.

I could not have known, sitting on the bathroom floor that day with tears streaming down my face, that the decision to follow the Holy Spirit stirring and leave the church I loved would catapult me into a season of growth and healing. It didn’t happen all at once. It certainly isn’t finished. But almost seven years later, I see the work that God began in that state of confusion and agitation. I still miss that little church and the friends I love there. But they are in excellent hands with the pastor they have now. And I am in excellent hands with My Creator as I learn to more deeply trust the One who loves me best of all.

Peace.

Read Mary’s encounter with the angel in Luke 1