Gemma Ray's Blog, page 3

How to Stop Sh*tting in Your Positivity Pants

I like to get dressed in to my figurative positivity pants every day. I like to start my day on the right foot, practise gratitude, meditate, journal and feel happy and positive about the day ahead. When I explain the Law of Attraction to people my explanation is this;

If you wake up and tell yourself you’re going to have a bad day, guess what? You’re probably going to have a bad day.

If you wake up and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day, guess what? You’re probably going to have a good day!

This is the reason I start my day with gratitude and journaling. It instantly lifts my mood and makes me feel amazing. It’s like these small actions of self-care and gratitude first thing on waking acts like me putting on my metaphorical positivity pants. I loved Super Girl and Wonder Woman as a child and when I start my day like this, it’s like I’m putting on their super hero pants and I am invincible.

Are You Shitting in Your Positivity Pants?

A friend of mine got a bit of unexpected news last week which really upset her. It’s not for me to discuss what it was but let’s just say she was really disappointed and very sad about it too. She wanted to talk about it, shout about it, rant about it and get angry. I knew she needed that space to air her ‘shit’. I was also very cautious about what I said about it all. Listening instead of fixing is hard, but I’m getting better at it.

Another thing I’m getting better at in these situations is knowing when to apply a positive spin, when to just shut the fuck up and when to muscle in with a friendly but firm “No, we need to moan and move on now!”

Being the eternal optimist, I’ve come to realise that being able to flick the switch of positivity and turning any negative into a positive is a superpower of mine. However, I’m well aware that it can also be really fucking annoying and sometimes not appropriate.

If you’ve just had some bad news that, for example, has left you in tears, up awake all night and worrying about your future then the last thing you want to hear is some unhelpful positivity along the lines of;

“You’ll see! In the future, you’ll realise it’s meant to be!”

“It will all work out for the best”

“Plenty more fish in the sea”

“How can you flip it into a positive?”

Or the other tactic which I really can’t stand is to compare their situation to other people less fortunate. I’ve seen this with friends who suffer with their mental health. I’ve got one friend who hasn’t got a pot to piss in who struggles – they get a lot of sympathy and people feel for them. Then I have another friend who is very wealthy who has struggled with depression and it boils my piss when I hear people say “What’s he got to be depressed about?”

If you’re in it, if you’re feeling like shit, no amount of comparison to someone else’s situation is going to make you feel better. Why should you downplay your feelings just because someone else has it worse?

You took a pay cut in COVID but “At least you have a job!” doesn’t help when you have bills to pay.

You’ve lost your job but “At least you are healthy!” doesn’t help when you are now sick with worry about your future employability.

You got sick but “At least you’re alive!” really doesn’t fucking help when you can’t focus due to pain or worry.

Those kinds of false positives are a bag of bollocks and should be avoided at all costs.

You Have to Sometimes Sit in Your Shit

When something bad happens in your life, it’s OK to sit in your shit for a bit. You’re perfectly allowed to feel bad about it and be upset.

In fact, I actively encourage you to. Because if you paint a mask on and fake positivity, that underlying current of anger will bubble away under the surface until your mask cracks and falls, like some dodgy Phantom of the Opera tribute.

I wore a mask for over three decades. I was so good at wearing that damn mask and hiding how I really felt with fake humour, fake happiness and fake positivity. It was inevitable that one day the mask would crumble away.

These days, thanks to coaching, soul searching, continuous self-development and spaffing a shit load of money at sorting out my mental health, I know the answer for me personally for getting over the hard, unfair, unjust, upsetting and worrying things in life is to sit in my shit and really feel it – only for a short time, but I fully allow myself to. I actively give myself permission to go and sit in my shit.

My Sitting in Shit Alarm

If you’ve followed me for a while you’ll know my number one productivity gadget of choice is my trusty mechanical egg timer. In addition to the ticking of my twisty timer to keep me on track with my work or chores, I also use it for a timer to allow me to sit in my shit.

I know this sounds insane, but it works for me.

Let’s say I’m upset. Something has happened and I’m pissed off or freaking out. I usually do this when I’m crying and can’t seem to stop. I turn the timer to 5 mins, put Eva Cassidy’s I Know You By Heart on loud. This song always makes me cry so this also works if I’ve been feeling upset or sad or frustrated and I want to let some of my shitty negative emotions out. As soon as that first verse kicks in, ending on “lights up your face in orange and gold…” I’ve gone.

I let myself let it all out. Loudly. I don’t hold anything back. I’m not a punch a pillow and scream kind of person, I am an uglier crier. So I do just that. My face scrunches up and my eyes burn red as the big fat sobs and full on snot starts.

It also doesn’t have to be as dramatic so that it causes tears. It can be trivial things that have just got on top of me, or my hormones going a bit haywire. The point is, I just allow myself that space and time to feel all the negativity, annoyance and upset.

Something weird happens every time I ‘allow’ myself to do this and remember to set an alarm. I feel like a fucking idiot after about 3 minutes and I stop. I just stop crying and I instantly feel better. This has worked every time I’ve done it.

I’m not saying this is some kind of revolution that is also guaranteed to work for you. I know I mentioned about not comparing your shit to others above but I have to mention here that some people, especially right now in these recent times are going through some REALLY hard stuff. I’m not trying to insult anyone’s intelligence by telling you to set an egg timer like you’re making dippy egg and soldiers and cry to some posthumously famous singer and it will all be OK.

I’m just saying that in my weird and wonderful head this little trick does THE trick for me to let me fully immerse myself in my shit. It’s like I turn on the tap, let it out until I am up to the eyeballs in my emotions, and then I drain the tank dry. It stops, I stop and I feel better. Whenever I feel the worry and anxiety creeping back in and I can feel myself being a negative Nelly, shitting in my positivity pants about whatever is happening for me, I repeat the exercise. On goes Eva Cassidy, on the tears turn or out the annoyance flows and on we go with my method for getting myself out of shitting in my positivity pants.

Don’t Sit in your Shit for Too Long

The problem is when we hold onto those negative emotions and allow them to rule us. That’s when it’s like continuously shitting in your positivity pants.

Going back to my friend at the start of this story, after a week of her soiling her own positivity pants every day and choosing to focus on all the negativity surrounding her situation she came to me and said “I’m sick of being a miserable arse” so I knew at that moment it was time to teach her the best ways to put her own figurative positivity pants each morning.

Even though she looked at me like I was on crack, to my surprise, she went with my suggestion of 10 things every morning she’s grateful for. I asked her to make them different each day. This exercise can be hard at first but when you realise that there are no rules and you can be grateful for even the most stupid and small things, you can’t help but feel more positive.

She’s put things down like the washing machine and a fridge full of lovely food and these small, seemingly once unimportant things are changing her mood every day along with the big things like her family and her work. It’s been magical to witness and I’m so proud of her for learning how to stop shitting in her positivity pants every day. I’m proud to report that she’s wearing a gleaming clean new pair every day. Gratitude isn’t a magic fix to sadness or unhappiness, but it does have this ability to just make you feel that little bit more uplifted, loving and appreciative.

As ever, this blog has inspired this week’s #WankyQuoteWednesday

Have a great week.

If you need to change your pants, go do it. Your choice.

Gem x

PS – If you’re reading this and you have a copy of either of my books and haven’t yet left a review, I’d really appreciate your help. Positive reviews really help independent authors like myself. You can scroll to ‘reviews’ on a phone or desktop and add yours from this link; mybook.to/spsl

 

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Do You Need to #PullYourFingerOut When it Comes to Your Business?

#PullMyFinger is my new fave hashtag. I love it so much I’ve had a t-shirt made with it on and all my virtual speaking gigs have had this hashtag.

I LOVE showing people the joy of pulling their finger out of their arse (and not in a kinky way). I’ve decided to combine my two super powers of being a procrastination assassin along with a marketing and communications expert to help business owners put themselves and their products and services out there.

Why?

I just adore helping entrepreneurs see that social media can be stress free, marketing doesn’t need to be a mindfuck and getting consistent is the new sexy.

I help business owners understand the nuts and bolts of creating content that stands out so that their products and services are irresistible.

Better content + more consistency + kicking procrastination in the tits = more attention, more likes, a better reputation, more sales, more growth and a happier business owner!

As such I have created a brand new Facebook group that will open and launch THIS COMING MONDAY (July 20, 2020) for entrepreneurs, freelancers and small business owners who want to get shit done, market themselves like a pro and take the stress out of social media.

Here’s a little sneak preview of the schedule of amazing value I’m offering for FREE:

Its content marketing training and best practice mixed with accountability and productivity. If you would like to join the group, just click this link, answer the entry questions and I’ll let you in from Friday.

This will be an ongoing community that I am looking to build. If you know anyone who owns their own business, has a side hustle, is a freelancer or someone who works in comms and wants the accountability to #PullYourFingerOut and get shit done around marketing and accountability, then please invite them to the group too:

>>>> Join the group here <<<

Nobody Knows What You Know

I’ve realised during lockdown while helping many entrepreneurs pivot or sell their services in new and inventive ways that we are all just striving to do the right thing to keep our businesses growing.

We are all sponges and the compound effect of our corporate and business experience. I have such a vast knowledge and can offer people so much expertise, help and support but delivered in a fun way that will ensure people keep their promises to themselves and get marketing their products and services.

What one person is desperate to know might just live in your head and I’ve had this epiphany this week so help take the stress out of social media and unfuck the mind when it comes to marketing so that people can focus on what they do best – being them!

When you set out in business, you don’t often realise that you have to become the jack of all trades and wear so many hats. All of a sudden you’re the procurement department, accountant, sales manager, HR director and marketeer all in one. It’s hard!

Many businesses are not in a position to hire full time help or outsource and many people want to learn these things themselves.

I am always of the belief that the best person to market a small business is the person who owns it! People buy people, people buy into stories so let me help you tell your business story.

I’d love to see you in the group!

Gem

PS – As always this post was inspired by my #WankyQuoteWednesday

 

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Five Tips on Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

Apparently even Albert Einstein felt like a fraud at times and suffered with imposter syndrome, so if you’ve been feeling it too, then don’t worry – even the greatest minds suffer from this crushing self doubt.

I don’t know about you but the pandemic is making me doubt my abilities in my work more than ever. Trying to be mum, wife, teacher, housekeeper, cook, business owner, author, radio presenter, dog mum, do all the runs, lift all the weights, perform all the meditations and in trying to keep my shit together at once feels like I rarely have any of it together at all.

Before my nervous breakdown in 2016 I was uber confident. I’m still confident now, outwardly to those I am in company with, but the inner confidence took a sharp knock and it’s taking a lot longer than anticipated to return.

I think social media has a massive part to play in this. I have spoken about it a lot but ‘comparison is the thief of all joy’ is one of my favourite phrases and comparing ourselves to an online persona of someone else is never fruitful or healthy.

So while I work on my upcoming 90 day programme and diligently write and plan all the modules and content to help someone change their life in 90 days, I can’t help but feign ‘market research’ and check out what everyone else is up to. In my online world working alongside coaches and mindset specialists, it is normal in the cyber circles in which I hang out to see “How I had a five figure month” or “I help entrepreneurs create 6 and 7 figure businesses in 20 hours a week or less” or “I just earned £25,000 from my latest launch” and it makes me shrink like a dick on a freezing day back into my shell, scared to venture out.

At times like these I have a plan and a strategy but I often don’t default to it and end up in knots, agonising over how shit I am in comparison and wondering why I’m still slogging out 60 hour weeks and doing all the things.

Yet you see, these people posting about their success are just a few steps ahead. That’s all I need to remember. I also need to remember my own advice and these five amazing tips to soothe imposter syndrome.

Grab a brew and take a read.

1) Verbalise Your Imposter Syndrome

He’s a massive knob head and probably the best (and cheapest) coach I’ve ever worked with but if there’s one person I can talk it out with, it’s my husband. If I am feeling like my inner imposter is causing procrastination, self doubt and self sabotage I try and chat it out with him. It doesn’t come easy and I think we are taught not to ‘show off’ from a young age or ‘fish for compliments’.

I usually start the conversation something like this “I know I’m being a massive dick but this is what I’m telling myself at the moment…” and then I verbalise how I am feeling. It usually involves what I’ve seen others say online, how I feel frustrated at myself and what I can do about it to move past it.

Shaun strikes a brilliant balance between positive reassurance and tough love and often gets me out of a funk that has been caused by imposter syndrome. He calls me out on my bullshit, reminds me when I’ve haemorrhaged my precious time on useless crap and tells me what I already know in a positive and encouraging way.

Who do you have in your life that isn’t scared to dish out the compliments but will also criticise you in a loving and positive way that will help you get into the mode of taking action?

2) Create a Compliments Cache

I’ve started doing this recently and it helps a lot. Collect compliments. Whether that be text messages, emails, Facebook posts, Instagram comments or email replies. Stick them in one central place where you can quickly refer to them if you feel imposter syndrome taking hold.

You might want to use an actual journal or if you were looking for a digital option, I’m a big fan of a Trello board to keep all my screen shots.

If someone says something to you verbally, make sure you add those in too. Any cards or notes you get, make sure you save those or at least take a pic of them and add them to your digital compliments cache. Whenever you need a reminder of all you have achieved, or how you have helped others or made people feel good, refer back to the compliments cache.

3) Write Down All You Know

I did this one this week. I am currently in Lisa Johnson’s One to Many course and we have an offshoot accountability group with the most amazing women. Last night three of us had a working Zoom session together to catch up on some of our outstanding course actions. I said I was suffering with imposter syndrome and so used our time together to outline a very quick mind map of everything I actually know when it comes to business. It only took me 20 minutes but it was a pleasant shock to put it all on paper and realise my vast knowledge. As soon as I had finished it, I was spurred into action and worked away with ease on my tasks.

This is my brain on paper in a mind map

I also do this when I am writing my books or working with clients on my 1:1 communications coaching calls. I outline the topics I want to write about in my books and then arrange them into some rough idea of chapters. With clients I outline everything they sell, teach, believe and stand for and that forms the basis of their content marketing. It is a really positive and surprising exercise.

I highly recommend mind mapping to complete this step and Simple Mind Lite, Mind Node or XMind are mind map apps that work really well if you prefer to do a digital mind map.

4) Write Down Why Your Imposter is Wrong

In addition to writing down all that you know, how about a mind map of everything you have already achieved? These should be things that directly challenge whatever your inner imposter syndrome is trying to tell you. For example, my BBC colleague and work wife, Nicola, is currently in the process of trying to get a book deal. It’s a really tough task and those who do this have to be prepared for rejection.

This could get the better of Nicola but she could do this task and remind herself that she’s been writing every day for over 20 years in her role as a newspaper editor. She could write down about her experience and nose for a great story or remind herself of how many books she reads in a year (it’s a LOT!) She is someone who knows how to create a really compelling story thanks to her extensive experience of being so well-read.

These are just a couple of examples but writing down reasons why your imposter syndrome is wrong will help shift your mindset from victim self sabotage mode to empowered action taker.

5) Improve Your Self Talk

Recognise that your imposter syndrome is your inner critic.

In the book, Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford, she suggests giving a name to the parts of your personality. For me, Imposter Imelda is my imposter syndrome. I imagine her as a stony faced bitch, judgemental, stiff and spiky and not at all likeable. I will sometimes imagine myself having conversations with her and challenging her beliefs. I use another part of my personality, Positive Pauline, who likes to challenge the negative and come up with the flip side of these untruths presented by ‘Imelda’.

Having a moment to allow your feelings to come to the surface and play them out in your mind is important. That’s why verbalising them to someone you love and trust can be so helpful. Often, what we think is not the actual reality and our friends, colleagues and family would not agree with our inner critic. However, owning these feelings and having the conscious self awareness to try and soothe them is important. Believing in ourselves and reminding ourselves of our positive attributes, personal knowledge, experience and all we are capable of will help us build new neural pathways in our brains. The more we repeat these positive steps of overcoming imposter syndrome, the stronger our neural pathways will become.

You are smarter than what you think.

You are stronger than what you believe.

You are capable of so much more.

Don’t let the screams of imposter syndrome drown out the whispers of confidence.

As always, this week’s blog has inspired today’s #WankyQuoteWednesday

Gem

 

 

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When Did You Last Achieve Something You Once Thought Impossible?

On Sundays I like to set a journal prompt in my Facebook community group.

This week’s is inspired by my friend Kirsty Quigley. I have written about Kirsty on this blog before and interviewed her on my Facebook page, Gemma Ray – Life Unfiltered.

Kirsty has been through an epic personal transformation over the last two years, losing 4.5 stone and keeping it off. Around 18 months ago she started running and hasn’t looked back. She’s managed to clock up some seriously fast and impressive run times and at the start of lockdown decided that she was going to go out running every day.

Yesterday was her 97th day of running and it was also her very first marathon attempt. Due to social distancing and the pandemic, there are no official marathons taking place so Kirsty picked her local park as the place to attempt her longest distance.

Check out the video from the event here:

Kirsty and I are part of the In Memory of Colin McGinty team which aims to use sport and running as a positive force for good. We use our races to wear the face of Colin on our race tops and strike up conversations about his story and the lasting, devastating impact of knife crime. Kirsty wanted to do her bit and take part. As a mum of three young boys she worries about knife crime in our communities so decided to raise money towards the team’s £10,000 target to fund community outreach work and pay for Knife Savers bleed control kits to be placed in prominent locations where young people convene.

Kirsty is my inspiration for today’s #SundayScribble journal prompt because if you would’ve asked her just two years ago whether she would ever run a marathon she probably would’ve said no. But she made it happen, believed in herself and with the support of other runners on our team completed the 26.2 mile distance.

What about you? When have you achieved something that you once thought impossible?

Mine would be the thought of ever finishing our house. When we were living in a caravan on our garden, the money had run out, the builders had done a disappearing act and it was sub zero temperatures we wondered when on earth we would ever get it finished. Yet we did!

Get involved over in the free Facebook community here: bit.do/selfdisciplinesupport

 

 

Gemma Ray is a best selling author, radio presenter and communications coach.

Check out Gemma’s books to help you #PullYourFinger and take action via Amazon here.

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The Power of Random Acts of Kindness

After my last blog on dropping expectations and saving my marriage, it opened up many conversations with a lot of people. Couples asked for help and advice and along with my own experiences with dropping expectation, I recommended taking the Five Love Languages quiz.

The Five Love Languages

This simple quiz involves you answering 30 questions honestly which will tell you whether you like to receive love in the following five ways:

Acts of Service
Gifts
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Quality Time

I remember Shaun and I had done this years ago but I got him to do it again this week as I think my own love languages have changed in the last few years.

I was shocked to learn that Shaun’s highest scoring love language was Quality Time (33%), whereas this was where I scored the lowest (7%).

My highest love language was Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service (both 27%) and Gifts also scored high (23%) whereas Shaun scored 0% on gifts! Zero. As I explained in my last blog, he isn’t a gift giving person and so expecting him to be something he isn’t can cause expectations not to be met and friction.

It opened up a conversation between the two of us where we realised that Quality Time was important to Shaun and not a priority to me, whereas Gifts was important to me and not to Shaun. We got our son Blake involved in this and he has said he will help with presents for the future. I also made a commitment to try and go to bed at the same time as Shaun as I often stay up late working and it turns out this really pisses him off.

If you’d like to take the love languages quiz you can download an app called Love Nudge or head to this website: www.5lovelanguages.com

Are You a Gift Giver?

Talking about my own realisations about gifts was an eye opener for a few of my female friends. Yes, they realised they did expect a fuss on their own special occasions and always delivered a fuss for others.

I remember a friend being really upset that she’d gone overboard for her partner’s 40th birthday. There were balloons, banners, a cake that cost over £100 and thoughtful gifts. Then when it was her birthday she was given vouchers and was really upset about it.

This is sometimes just a case of two people’s love languages being mismatched and why I always say it is worth doing the quiz. Yes, it’s cheesy and your partner will probably moan about it but it is really helpful in communication.

My friend Lucie is a gift giver. She rarely arrives without bearing some form of thoughtful gift. She’s got a new little mission at the moment which blends her love of gift giving with her love of cooking. She brought round a home made chicken pie for us this week and made me make a promise that I’d use the quality time I saved not cooking to spend with the family. How amazing is that?

Look how happy I am about this delicious chicken pie!

Lucie’s random act of kindness has inspired this week’s #SundayScribble journal prompt:

Could You Commit to a Random Act of Kindness?

There’s something so rewarding about random acts of kindness. Taking the love languages into account and knowing how your partner prefers to receive love, what random act of kindness which corresponds to their love language could you do this week?

Something small and simple goes a long way.

You might just make their day!

Gem

PS – We chat about stuff like this in my FREE Facebook group. Click here to join my community of dreamers, thinkers, creatives, goal getters and procrastinators who support one another to be a bit better, think a bit better and feel a bit better. Join the group here (please answer the questions so I know you’re not a bot!).

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I Saved My Marriage When I Dropped My Expectations

Every couple has their ups and downs.

I know my husband will squirm seeing this title. He’s not as overshare-y as me. Yet this is a really important topic and I wanted to touch on it because it’s something I say to people until I am blue in the face. I say it a lot because learning to drop expectations saved my marriage, and my sanity.

(The learning but is important – this does not happen overnight).

I Always Say This Phrase

This week I’ve seen a few of my friends individually on separate occasions. Each time I have met up with the girls for an outdoor walk at a social distance, our conversation always turns to our husbands and I always end up repeating this phrase.

As usual, it’s inspired my #WankyQuoteWednesday

 

I Was Ready to Divorce

In 2015, at the start of the decline of my mental health, I was done.

I’d seen a divorce lawyer. I had somewhere else to live. I was unhappy in my marriage and I was over it.

My husband did not pay me compliments.

My husband did not buy me gifts.

My husband did not do his fair share of the housework.

My husband did not help out with our son.

Writing that out makes me feel nauseous.

I was WRONG.

When we would argue, the same statements would get hurled verbally at one another. My husband’s favourite one was “You’re setting me up to fail!” and it used to make me rage and boil inside with anger.

How could I be setting him up to fail?

He should know I need affection and attention

He should know to buy me at least a card on Mother’s Day, or buy me a nice gift on my birthday.

He should know to clean the toilets or put the washing away.

He should offer to bath our son, or make his dinner or read his bed time stories to him.

Why should I tell him to do that? Why should I be the one doing it all myself?!

My outbursts would appear out of the blue. I’d go into my own head for days, silent and moody and despite my husband repeatedly asking me what was wrong, I would carry on my silent treatment, seethe and grind my teeth at his mere presence and silently scream in my head “Why don’t you fucking help me?!?”

Then the arguments would start. I would scream at him, tears rolling angrily down my face and my fists in a ball and my teeth gritted and clenched. My back teeth are actually smooth. There are no grooves and bumps like the average person would have. I spent the first five years of my sons life clenching my teeth in anger, frustration and disappointment. I was so stressed out that I could hardly sleep as I’d grind my teeth all night. Sometimes, as I slide my tongue over their smooth surface now, I smile with faint sadness and shame at how I caused all of this upset. For me, for my husband and for my son who would often witness it. I smile because I changed it, got over it and made things better.

By late 2015 when my anger had built to epic proportions, I gave my husband an ultimatum. Change or I was leaving. I can’t remember much of this time. I struggle to recall lots of things between having my son and my nervous breakdown in 2016 and this is one of those periods that is blurred and confused. Mainly because I think I played this scenario out in my head so many times, I’m not sure what is the reality and what is my imagined state.

All I do remember though is agreeing to give him a chance, to start to tell him what I needed and not give the silent treatment and not “Set him up to fail.”

My Year of Personal Development

In 2016 I started what I now know to be my year of personal development. It started with me reading ‘The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up’ which led to learning about Bullet Journaling which led to reading The Miracle Morning and starting a morning routine for the first time in my life. I’ve written and spoke about it many times before. It was life changing. I learned about meditation, I journaled and recited affirmations. I visualised my future. I would cry as I sat doing my visualisations. My future always always involved my husband and I vowed that I would fight for our marriage. I vowed to make him change.

The thing is, it was me who needed to change.

I started to feel less stressed as my mornings were planned and I felt more organised. I participated in a fitness challenge, lost lots of weight and felt my self esteem soar. My husband had an opportunity to possibly move areas with his job, so I made the decision to leave mine and go freelance. I worked on my business in my ‘miracle’ mornings and I had a plan. My energy was more positive. As such, I was probably easier to live with. I did start to ask for the help I wanted and needed.

Towards the end of 2016 I started being coached. Being honest and open about my feelings and having a safe space to explore my behaviour was new to me but extremely eye opening and effective. I undid a lot of old limiting beliefs and blocks from my childhood. I started to see that I had been stuck in a victim mentality for a long time. I was constantly blaming everyone else for my problems, lack of self esteem and self worth issues. Especially my husband.

Expectation is the Thief of All Joy

I think it was the coach Shari Teigman who I first heard say the phrase “Expectation is the thief of all joy”. I didn’t really understand it at first until it was explained. What was I expecting to happen in many scenarios in my life and how did I feel when it didn’t? Because when you expect things to be or go a certain way, when they don’t go in the way you expected, that’s when you ultimately end up unhappy.

When you place an expectation on something, you visualise it in your mind before it has happened. So when my reality didn’t meet the expected outcome I had visualised in my mind, and if it did not meet the impossible high standards I had imagined, I would end up unhappy.

So in order to be happy, you have to do the opposite. When you drop all expectations on someone or something, you can’t be unhappy when your prediction of the future (your expectation) does not meet the reality of the present.

It took me a while and a LOT of thinking and soul searching to get my head around this. My husband was right. I WAS setting him up to fail. By not explicitly asking him what I needed from him, he wouldn’t always know how to help and support me. By giving him the silent treatment I was starving any chance he had of meeting my expectations that by this point had snowballed into such a monster that I was ready to divorce him!

 
The First Mother’s Day

In March 2011, it was my first Mother’s Day. I had been so excited about this event. I imagined flowers and chocolates, breakfast in bed and a day off minding Blake who was only four months at the time.

I remember waking up and there being nothing. Thinking he was pulling my leg, I stayed in bed as he got up, expecting to hear the chink of plates and the whir of the coffee machine. Nothing.

By 10am when it was time to get dressed to leave to drop Mother’s Day presents off at our mum’s and nan’s houses I realised it just wasn’t happening for me that day. I sat and did my hair and cried. I’d been breastfeeding exclusively, hadn’t slept through the night once and I was thoroughly exhausted. There I sat doing my hair, blow drying it in a sideways sweep to hide my puffy eyes and red blotchy cheeks. I wore my glasses that day as I didn’t want anyone to notice.

I was quiet and subdued for the whole day. “What’s up with you?” Shaun would ask as we hopped back in the car to go to the next relative’s house. At my mum’s house, my sister was there with her daughter. “Happy Mother’s Day!” Shaun said to my mum and then he kissed my sister and said “Ooh it’s your first isn’t it Rachel? Happy Mother’s Day. Oh and you Gem, I almost forgot! It’s your first one too! Happy mother’s day!” as he kissed me on the cheek. I made my excuses to go to the loo and cry again. He’d only just realised.

The whole day continued like this until we got home.

Shaun asked me multiple times what was wrong and I just kept repeating “I’m just tired” in a quiet, somewhat pathetic out of character voice.

Shaun sat on the sofa. I made the dinner and after we’d eaten in silence and I’d fed Blake, I bathed the baby upstairs.

Shaun came into the bathroom and by this point he was fed up with my low mood “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or not??”. The tears turned on and poured out of me like the bath had done a moment before. I was inconsolable as Shaun stood there looking confused at his very very upset wife and having no clue what happened.

“It was my first Mother’s day.”

“I know, I said it to you at your Mum’s.”

“But you didn’t do anything for me!” I wailed back.

And then he said something that I think about so often, even now…

“You’re not my mum. Was I supposed to do something for you? I didn’t know? It’s Mother’s Day but you’re not my mum.”

I do recall going ballistic about this but I look back now and I can recall the sadness in his face as he realised my upset had been perceived to be caused by him.

It wasn’t.

I had just expected him to know to do something special. I actually held this against him for a long long time. I brought it up often, for many years, as an example of a time he’d let me down, but the truth is, I let myself down.

My husband is the eldest of three boys. They aren’t a present giving family. Shaun’s mum never expects anything and so gift giving and making a fuss hasn’t been a ‘thing’ in their family at all. My husband had NO IDEA he was supposed to do anything for me that day. Literally, zero clue. Had I hinted that I expected something or given him a cheeky reminder about it or said “This Sunday, it’s my mother’s day too so you’re looking after the baby” then this whole sorry scenario would’ve been avoided. Instead, it was ME who caused myself such utter pain and suffering all day (and every time I thought of this day for years afterwards). If I’d just spoken up that morning, the day would’ve been different.

Strugglin through parenthood and plagued with unrealistic expectations (Summer 2011)

Expectation is the Thief of All Joy

My husband does not do things to purposely annoy me. So, why do I EXPECT him to do things he doesn’t do naturally and THEN get pissed off? In 13 years of being together he has hardly put clothes away. He just hates doing it. If I EXPECT him to do it magically, without being asked, it won’t happen. I have to be really clear and ask him for help. Yes, he’ll be a little brat and kick off about it, but in asking for the help, I’m most likely to get the help. Or I can wait for him to want to do this off his own back, to expect that he will know to do it, want to do it, to take action and then just get ragey angry when he, once again, doesn’t do it. He doesn’t rage when I leave my clothes and makeup and shit everywhere – he doesn’t have an expectation that I SHOULD sort it out. Double standards or what?

I can look back at the first year of my son’s life and feel such sadness at the way expectation robbed me of a lot of joy. Instead of having an honest chat about where he could support me, where I felt like I was struggling and how we could have more family harmony I just EXPECTED him to know. He’d not been a dad before. He’d not been married before. He’d never actually lived with anyone other than his family before we got together. So this was even more new to him than me.

I did set him up to fail, time after time after time. When I learned that and I learned how much my own perceived expectation was causing me so much unhappiness, I did start to undo it.

What Are You Expecting?

We all expect a lot more than we realise. I’ve used my marriage here as an example but I’ve also expected things of colleagues, bosses, friends, family and myself. When those expectations were not met, it caused stress and unhappiness.

Chatting to my friends over the last few days, it seems we’ve picked up a lot of expectations in lockdown.

Let me ask you – where are you expecting things to happen in a certain way and where are you ultimately left disappointed?

What unrealistic expectations are you putting on other people?

Where are you wishing and wanting someone to behave in a certain way or do something, but you’re not actually asking them clearly and outright from a place of love and understanding WHY it is important to you?

When I unpicked and unravelled my own unrealistic expectations on my husband that had spanned so many years, I felt such regret. If anyone should be attempting to divorce anyone else, it should’ve been him towards me. All my husband ever did was love me unconditionally, exactly as I was. All I did was expect him to know what I was thinking, how to be, what to do and what to say to make me happy. He was right, I “set him up to fail” as he explained in all those arguments so many times.

Since the end of 2016, I’ve been on a wanky ‘journey’ of self discovery that has changed my life and the way that I think. Interestingly, I had to take a personality test today and was shocked but not really surprised to see that my personality type had changed in the last four years. I do think differently these days, I do watch my own judgements and expectations and thoughts of trying to change people. It isn’t always easy but I’m learning to accept people for who they are. If you do not expect anything of anyone, you cannot be left disappointed. That isn’t defeatist, it’s common sense!

I’m delighted to say that since I changed, our marriage changed. My husband is still the same laid back, happy go lucky guy I fell in love with when I bumped into him in Creamfields in 2007. It took for me to have a nervous breakdown to realise that he was as close as you can get to perfect all along. I’ve fallen in love with him all over again in these past few years. Our communication style is open, honest and supportive. We each respect the needs of the other, we each respect that we are two different people but we each come together stronger than ever having dropped all expectations.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t empty the dishwasher without being prompted.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t offer to take Blake out when he can see I’m on a deadline.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t get me an elaborate gift for a special occasion.

I can just ask him to do any one of those things and he will do it now. Happiness and harmony all round!

I don’t need to fantastise and have an expectation of a perfect life because we all know a perfect life does not exist.

Cut yourself and others some slack.

Drop the expectations.

Ask honestly for what you need (without nagging, manipulating, being a brat or being emotional).

See what happens and how life improves.

Got any thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments.

Gem

 

 

 

The post I Saved My Marriage When I Dropped My Expectations appeared first on Gemma Ray.

Who could you be in 12 weeks?

*If you can’t be bothered to read all this, I did an in-depth training video on this in my Self Discipline Support Group on Facebook. Click here to request to join the group.*

 

Who could you be if you gave it your best shot for three months?

 

It’s been twelve weeks since we have been in lockdown in the UK. Who knows how long we will be living like this? It seems like social distancing is here to stay for the foreseeable. I am pleased, given the circumstances, how we have come through the last three months.

I want to point out that there is no judgement here on how you have personally coped with the lockdown situation. Every person has a different lived experience with different worries and challenges. Some have lost jobs and businesses, some have struggled with childcare and mental health. As a global society we have never been in this position before and there is no right or wrong way to respond to recent events.

For me, this is a point that I want to look ahead. I cannot believe it has been twelve weeks since lockdown. That seems like such a long time but it has also gone by in a flash. This morning, while clutching my cup of tea and reflecting on the last three months, I thought about me in three months time. Three months from today will be Wednesday, September 2, 2020. September is a month I adore. It reminds me of fresh new classes at school and having new shiny shoes, pencil cases and bags and getting ready for a new academic year. Even though I’m a grown up now, I still love the fresh feeling as the seasons change in September and there’s a last push to end the year on a high.

So thinking about ‘future me’ in 12 weeks time, I got a bit deep in my thought process and had a realisation that the me I will be in 12 weeks will be the product of repeated decisions each day. That is the same for you. The person you can be is the person that will form thanks to the multiple choices you make about your life every single day.

Last week I wrote about wanting to be a bit better. I started to think about the choices I get to make every day that push me on to being a bit better, or keeping me stuck. I thought I’d share with you some of the questions I’ve been asking myself today around the choices we all get to make to push that needle further towards our goals and the person we want to be.

 

Will you choose you wake up on the first alarm or sleep in?

 

What will sleeping in give you in your life? I know there are some times when I could do with the extra sleep, but there are also times that choosing to get up gives me the gift of a morning to myself. Sleeping in and constantly snoozing the alarm makes me feel like I’ve wasted the day, or feel a bit like a failure. I also miss out on that valuable alone time that is vital to my mental health. Especially in lockdown when my days are juggling the constant guilt of not doing a great job of either homeschooling or work.

When I choose to get up on the first alarm I feel like I’m winning the day before it has even started. I have won the war against the snooze button and within a few minutes I am up and excited for the day ahead. Do you feel the same when it comes to your own battle with the snooze button?

 

Will you choose to set intentions for your day?

 

It was Jim Rohn who famously said “Either you run the day or the day runs you” and having a plan for your day makes you more likely to stick to it. I love to write out a to-do list and share it publicly to keep me accountable. Having a list of daily non-negotiables keeps certain actions at the forefront of my mind and they’re more likely to be achieved. Do you know what you need to get done in the day and do you plan it out and stick to it?

 

Will you choose to get your work done on time?

 

Will you make ‘future you’ proud and happy that you stuck to your self imposed deadlines and finished your work on time? Or will you spend your time procrastinating on social media and now have to cram a load of work in when you’re tired? I can write this one with confidence as this is my own greatest weakness. I should have a PhD in procrastination as I will often sabotage my future leisure time by seeking instant gratification and distraction in the form of social media or general internet browsing. That’s why I’m a big fan of using a mechanical timer and a planner to keep me to time on my tasks. Choosing to plan in tasks and be disciplined in their completion would mean a lot to me if I repeated this choice each day for 12 weeks. It is something so simple but something so potential powerful and effective. It also sometimes requires strong boundaries to tell people who may cause the distraction that you need the space and alone time to focus. If you chose to get your work done distraction free, what impact would that have on your working day and stress levels?

 

Will you choose to drink the water?

 

Yes, it’s boring. Yes, diet coke and coffee is far more tasty and exciting but YES it is the water that is going to help you think better, keep hunger at bay, improve your skin, help regulate your hormones and flush out toxins. It is so deeply boring and unsexy but choosing to hydrate yourself each day will have a life changing impact. Yes, you might feel like you’ll wet your knickers constantly but that feeling will pass after a couple of weeks. Stick with it! What would positive effects be if you actively chose to drink enough water?

 

Will you choose to fuel yourself with food that gives you essential vitamins and nutrients?

 

What will the ‘you’ in three months feel like, look like and act like if you choose to fuel your body for performance rather than soothe your emotions with high sugar food and drink? Food is the most abused drug we human beings use to mask our feelings. I can say this with confidence as a binge eater. Trust me, you cannot fill an emotional hole with food. I’ve tried and all that happened was I filled up on feelings of pure failure and hopelessness. Would your life and health be enriched if you chose foods that nourished you?

 

Will you choose to wind down with alcohol?

 

There’s no judgement here as someone who has decided to stop drinking. I don’t want to be a Preachy Patricia but I can tell you in the same way that eating three bags of Liquorice Allsorts in secret doesn’t fill a hole after a stressful day, neither does a bottle of rosé. Yes, the kids have probably been utter shits and your house looks like a bomb site but booze isn’t the answer. All it does is fuck up your sleep and leave you feeling even more frazzled the next day. What does choosing alcohol cost you?

 

Will you choose to move your body in a way that challenges your strength and stamina?

 

I’ve hardly done a thing these last twelve weeks. I could use the excuse of being injured as I damaged a ligament in my wrist, twisted my ankle and caused bursitis in my knee after a fall in week one of lockdown. BUT… I could still walk. I just didn’t. I have felt sad at my gym being closed and had a victim mentality rather than moving my arse. I am responsible for my health. Yes, life is bonkers and busy with this new homeschooling and working from home life but even a choice to move for 20 minutes is better than a choice to remain sitting on my arse mindlessly scrolling on my phone. Would you in three months time look and feel better if you chose to challenge your body and move?

 

Will you choose to ask for the help you need?

 

You don’t have to do all of this alone. In order to make some of these positive choices, you may need to ask for help. In order to have valuable time to yourself, you might need to ask a loved one to give you that time or space, or take care of the kids. I’ve asked my husband this week if he can take a couple of days off work and take our son out so I can get ahead and get a couple of days of guilt free work sorted. I’m sick of doing a half arsed job on both homeschooling and client work and I need some help to ensure my son is cared for so I can create some brain space to complete some work. Could you choose to ask for the help and support you need to live your best life?

 

I did an in-depth training video on this in my Self Discipline Support Group on Facebook. Click here to request to join the group.

Will you choose to keep your environment clean, tidy and in order?

 

If this is what feels good to you, will you choose to commit to it? I realised today that there are boxes in my hall that have been there for six months. We’ve been in the house for 18 months since we renovated it and still don’t have any bathroom mirrors. There’s a drawer in the kitchen that is jam packed with screws and fittings that the kitchen fitter didn’t get round to completing. There’s an Ikea bag in my room of folded washing that I’ve been intending to iron for four months. All of these things have become somewhat invisible but my subconscious knows they’re there and gets pissed off every time I glance at them. Imagine how you in three months time would feel if you dedicated a day to finally sort out all the ‘intolerables’ in your environment once and for all?

 

Will you choose to watch your spending?

 

Will you put money away where you can for the future? Will you budget for things that you need and think twice about putting things on credit for instant gratification? I know I need to stop buying things off Amazon that I don’t need! If I put that money away every time there was an urge to purchase something unnecessary then I’d have a nice little pot of money to play with in three months time. How much could you save if you chose to be a bit more considered in your spending habits?

 

Will you choose to be present with your loved ones?

 

Last week in the Self Discipline group on Facebook that I host, I asked what happiness means to people. Most people wrote about things that involve being in the present moment. Conscious experiences like playing with their kids, enjoying that first morning coffee in peace or moments in nature were common answers. What would your family dynamic look like if you sat around a table at dinner time and talked with no TV or phones to distract you all? I say this question out loud to myself because my little family have got into this bad habit at meal times of staring at our phones rather than communicating with one another. Would your family life feel more enriched if you chose to be fully present for one another?

 

Will you choose to get enough sleep?

 

Will you choose to not be tempted by technology and let it rob you of precious rest? You WILL NOT miss out if you don’t check Instagram in bed, I promise you. There is NOTHING you will see on Facebook after 11pm that is worth compromising your sleep for. Karen and her opinions will still be there for you to laugh at when you take your phone to the toilet the next morning! What stops you sleeping enough? Is it worth choosing technology over sufficient rest?

 

Will you choose to show affection to your partner?

 

If you share a bed with someone you love, will you choose connection to each other over connection to your phones? There is no greater joy that deep connection with your partner AND it’s good for your health! Is Karen going off on Facebook really more pleasurable than a potential orgasm? Yes, sometimes we’re tired or feel insecure or we really can’t be bothered but one day our hips might not work or our ticker won’t be able to cope! Choose love and connection. Even a spoon or a hug is better than pressing play on that next Netflix episode. You can watch it tomorrow. What would choosing love and affection over your phone do for your relationship?

 

Will you choose to speak to yourself with love and kindness?

 

Sometimes the biggest problem any of us have in trying to be better is that our monkey minds stand in our way. The way we talk to ourselves is vital in our day to day happiness. If you choose for your inner monologue to be critical, negative and nasty then you’re on a slippy slope. If you can’t be kind and loving to yourself, don’t expect anyone else to be. In order to make positive choices every day you will need to enter into a battle with your inner comfort-zone seeking self. Remember what you are capable of in twelve weeks time and try and talk to that version of you each day rather than the one that holds you back and sabotages your efforts. What if you chose to be your own best friend in the way you talk to yourself each day?

 

We are a product of the choices we make

 

If you’re not happy with the place you’re at right now, it is within your power and ONLY your power to change it. It won’t cost money and you have so much to gain when you make those conscious positive choices every day. All it takes is one choice at a time.

If you want to stay as you are, that’s totally cool but I’m probably not for you. I love to help people learn to love the joy of achievement. I do this through my books and my Facebook group. I don’t want to stay where I am and play small. I want to see what I am capable of and I want to help you do the same too. Every month. Every week. Every day. Every choice.

Think about the you that you have the potential to be in three months time. The you that you get to be thanks to the cumulative effect of a series of positive choices.

What does the you that you could be want you to know right now?

What does the you that you have the potential to be what you to believe about yourself right now?

What does the you that you could become in twelve weeks want you to feel today? To do? To choose?

One day at a time.

One choice at a time.

We are all capable of so much more than we think when we make a commitment to choose to be a bit better.

Who could you choose to be in three months?

Gem

PS – As usual, this thought process inspired today’s #WankyQuoteWednesday

The post Who could you be in 12 weeks? appeared first on Gemma Ray.

I Just Want to Be a Bit Better

Detoxing My Shitty Habits

I am going through a detox. It is horrific and exciting all at the same time.

As I write this I am 104 days alcohol free. 15 days coffee free and 2 days sugar free.

The alcohol is getting banished for good (read all about why here). The coffee happened by accident when we ran out of coffee beans and I couldn’t be arsed queuing outside ASDA to get some more. The sugar is because I started a 21 day detox on Monday.

I expect I’ll go back on the coffee and the sugar at some point in the future but for now I am thoroughly enjoying using myself as a human guinea pig and assessing whether this helps or hinders my cognitive performance. Something that stirred and changed within me. I’m excited for what is about to happen. I have never felt more ready in my life.

Binge Eating for Britain

One of my clients does a 21 day detox programme twice a year. I’m not usually a fan of doing anything like this. I know that weight loss comes down to being in a calorie deficit and does not have to be complex. Making small consistent changes to your habits goes a long way to making lasting changes.

But I need something drastic to sort out the binge eating which has magnified to massive proportions on certain weeks of lockdown. The cravings are sometimes so debilitating I cannot think of anything else. This also coincides with my cycle and when I am ovulating. Not when I’ve got PMS, but right in the middle of my cycle I suffer the most with pain, poor sleep, cravings and lethargy. I am making it worse by what I choose to binge on in ridiculously large quantities.

I decided to take part in the detox for two reasons.

1) this helps me understand the process so I can help my client market it in the future and
2) I need a rocket up my arse and some strict rules steeped in hardcore discipline to break this bingeing.

I am sick of being stuck in a cycle where I am a bitch to these crazy cravings. A couple of weeks ago, after my radio show on Sunday I stopped at the shop and binge ate my way through family sized popcorn, family sized Kettle chips, a giant bar of chocolate, huge pack of fizzy sweets and fizzy drinks. I parked up in a lay by next to a bin so I could discard my wrappers and not face judgement from my husband when I got home. That’s not right. I know it’s wrong. I felt crap for days after.

I am sick of being that person. It is my one achilles heel that I feel holds me back from my purpose. I could do the slow steps daily. Walk a bit more, eat a bit less. It does work. It is also the most sensible and advisable thing to do. I can’t seem to do it. I can’t seem to commit to the smallest basic action, but I can seem to commit to going all in and do something drastic.

That’s me though. That sums me up. All or nothing. I want to be all. So I signed up to the 21 day detox with a specific goal of losing 8lbs.

Putting My Behaviour Under a Microscope

I like this plan because while I have a weight loss goal, I also have a plan for really putting my behaviour under a microscope over the next few weeks. I want to know why I turn to these foods and break their hold over me. Last night I journaled about the foods that I turn to in crisis, upset, stress, worry, celebration and boredom. They are:

liquorice allsorts
crisps
fizzy/sour sweets
milk chocolate
cheese broken in chunks straight off the block
bread and lashings of butter (I can eat 6 x rounds for breakfast and still feel hungry)
pizza

I asked myself what do crisps, liquorice allsorts and Haribo really mean to me?

Why am I so obsessed with them?

What positive do they bring to my life?

Do they have any nutritional value?

Why do I feel like I have to stuff my face with them in secret?

I realised my life is in no way enhanced by eating any of these foods. In the same way my life was not enhanced with alcohol. I know this might sound like someone’s worst nightmare. My good friend has gone through some serious medical stuff in her life and was forced to restrict. She feels sad for me that I’m giving things up and wonders why I can’t just moderate? I know I can’t. I know myself so well now and I know I will bend the rules if I moderate. It’s all or nothing.

I am actually enjoying choosing to give the things up that don’t serve me. I am at a point in my life where I feel amazing. I feel so happy and genuinely accepting of who I am, confident in my own skin and I’ve reached a line in the sand where I want to see what I am capable of in every area of my life.

I Just Want to Be a Bit Better

Binge eating and sabotaging my health with food is not good for me. It’s not good for my mental health more than anything.

Some people have booze, drugs, cigarettes, gambling or x-rated websites as their way to relax, escape and fill a void. Mine are those trigger foods I have listed above and I have to have this word with myself about their future place in my life.

It hasn’t been the right time up until this point. I can see now that getting to my heaviest and actually loving and accepting my body has been the key. I have been able to look in the mirror and drop the self loathing for a while now. Fuck me it’s glorious. I think they call this shit ‘self love’. Being able to smooth down my curves with my hands rather than pull violently at my lumps and bumps as I get dressed has been a wake up call and turning point. I HAD to love me, in whatever body I had or have before I could make a change. I had to get to the elusive holy grail where I COULD look in the mirror and not just say “I am enough” but bloody believe it wholeheartedly too. You can’t feel like you’re enough if you keep setting yourself up to fail and losing trust in yourself.

I can’t keep fucking up my inner monologue and causing negative mental health by binge eating in secret. It makes me feel shit, look shit, think shit and behave like shit. I have never felt more ready for anything in my life. I feel like I am on a little treadmill and I’m cranking up the speed every day.

I’m coping and I want to see what I can achieve. I want to see what I can do, keep churning out the books, see people succeed, and help people learn to love getting a bit better every day. I want to help people to break their shitty bad habits that keep them stuck, unhappy, broke, unhealthy, anxious and depressed. I am enough. I know I am. I also know I can be a bit better. I am detoxing from these shitty habits for good. Just watch me. Gem This post inspired my #WankyQuoteWednesday

 
Grab My Books

If you’d like to take action, I’ve written some books about it and I help people in my Facebook group.

My second book Stop Procrastinating and Start Living: Beat Procrastination and Boost Productivity for Self Care and Success is out now. At the time of writing it was #1 in 22 categories across UK and US Amazon charts.

In addition to my books, I facilitate a self discipline support group on Facebook helping keep others accountable and I also present a weekly show on BBC Radio Lancashire where I share my research into productivity.

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The post I Just Want to Be a Bit Better appeared first on Gemma Ray.

Journal Prompt: Write About One of the Best Days of Your Life

“Did you have a good day then, mum?” my 9 year old son asked as I tucked his tired and tiny little frame into bed last night.

“Good day? Blake, it was one of the best days of my life.”

“REALLY???”

“Yes, definitely. I thought I would hate it but I was just so proud of you and your dad looked well hot too!”

We both laughed. Kissed, cuddled. “Love you mum. You’re the best” he whispered into my neck as I hugged him tight and I collapsed myself into bed after a long, hot and dusty day.

That was yesterday. It was one of the most unexpected best days of my life. Here is why…

The Bike Obsession Begins – for Both of Them!

At the beginning of the year, my husband Shaun said he wanted to get a motorbike. For years I have said this is a stupid idea and have said a very firm ‘no’ when it came to any kind of motorised bike on two wheels.

We’d bought Blake a quad bike for Christmas and as the two of them had sat watching YouTube videos for hours about quads, it showed pictures of dirt bikes on dirt tracks and brought it all back for my husband. His dad had raced bikes when he was younger and Shaun reminisced about his childhood hobby and how he’d like to take it back up.

After Christmas, I don’t know if it was the winter blues or me putting the brakes on his dreams but Shaun was quite down. We agreed that since we’d renovated the house, he’d lost his purpose a little and it was all work then home, work then home with no hobbies in between. I had started working on a Sunday on the radio and he was spending more and more time being a hermit.

I realised that in our 13 years together, he’s always supported me in my dreams and crazy endeavours. So why was I not being supportive? I know I was worried about injury and the fact that bikes are dangerous but during an open and honest conversation about it, he made the very good point that his job involveshim dealing with hundreds of thousands of volts of live electricity every day. He has a dangerous job. So what was the difference?

It was a great point made and so he started to look for a dirt bike for himself.

As his birthday approached, he treated himself to all his new bike gear and he changed instantly. He was excited, happy and couldn’t wait to get on his bike. He was like the old cliched kid at Christmas. Here he is, pretending to ride his bike in his new kit.

Trying to work out my new blog and I need this video in a post I'm writing. It won't display, but it pulls in vids from Facebook. So gonna upload it here so I can put into the blog.All will become clear later.This was Shaun back in January wearing his birthday present to himself – his new bike gear for his new dirt bike.

No1 Best Selling Book in 12 Categories!

Wowzers.

What. A. Day.

I’ve given birth today. For the third time. First time was to a baby. Second and third time to a book. I swear it’s pretty much the same process and levels of pain and stress!

Today I launched my second book – Stop Procrastinating and Start Living: Beat Procrastination and Boost Productivity for Self Care and Success.

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Should point out that it is only free until the Amazon tech gods say it is. By the time you come to read this blog, it might be back up to full price again so be quick and check!

Delaying the Launch

The book actually went live on Sunday but we wanted to run a free promotion for the book so we didn’t properly launch until today.

This morning, before the book went free, it appeared as #1 in over 8 categories on both the UK and US Amazon sites under ‘Hot New Releases’.

 

Once the book became free for the promotional period, it doesn’t appear in the Hot New Releases chart, but it did become a best seller and secure the #1 spot in over 12 different categories!

By 7:30pm it was #4 OVERALL on the whole Kindle free chart.

The work is not done though. In order to try and maintain the same kind of traction that my first book Self Discipline has enjoyed, we need to continue to drive people to download the book for free while we can and then maintain sales next week. This will hopefully push the book into the elusive #1 positions in the paid chart which is the really important bit.

Becoming #1 best seller in the free chart is awesome and gives the book a lot of kudos, but being free it doesn’t pay the bills! So hopefully it will generate enough momentum and interest to continue to drive sales next week when the book becomes a paid product again. There is also the hope that this strategy will drive the sales of my original book, Self Discipline too.

Thank You for the Support

Thank you for all the amazing support you have shown the book so far. The feedback so far has been incredible and I am so pleased that this book is genuinely helping people at a time when the world feels like many of us are struggling to get motivated.

Please do continue to share it, read it, review it and let me know what you think.

Gem

PS – I could not do ANY of this without my amazing business partner and world’s greatest accountability buddy, Ben Jones. I am forever grateful to my awesome friend and book business partner. If you’re reading this and you have a book that you are desperate to publish then get in touch if you’d like to be put in touch with Ben to discuss his services.

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