Gemma Ray's Blog, page 2

How To Dominate Your Deadlines

Do you procrastinate on deadlines?

Do you leave things until the last possible minute causing lots of stress?

If so, this week’s Level: Up work hack is for you!

via GIPHY

How to Play to Your Strengths and Dominate Deadlines

If you are someone who always leaves things until the last possible minute to get done, why not accept it is who you are and make it your superpower?

Let’s imagine you’ve got a pressing task that is due at 5 pm on Friday.

You have lots of good intentions of getting it done well in advance but history tells you that isn’t going to happen. You know yourself. It isn’t going to get done in advance. Too many other things will take priority.

What happens?

You have great intentions of doing it in advance but the task will stay on your to-do list all week and add to the stress, even if it’s low-level subliminal stress.

 

So what can you do instead?

In the case of our Friday at 5 pm example above, let’s hypothetically pretend that this particular task will take you an hour.

Instead of saying to yourself that you will get it done days before the deadline, why not play to your natural strength and plan it in for JUST BEFORE the deadline.

So pop it in your diary for 4 pm on Friday.

Rather than spend all week putting it on your to-do list and rolling it over every day feeling like a failure, schedule it for as close to the deadline as possible and give it a try.

That way you will stop stressing throughout the week about it and you will have no choice but to get it done just before the deadline.

Risky? Possibly! Genius? Maybe!

Gem x

PS – I said I would write these blogs all last week. On Friday I got real with myself because I too am a last-minute Larry and a deadline dancer.

Here I am, doing the productive polka writing these blogs in the exact time I outlined JUST BEFORE the deadline.

I promise when you start playing to your procrastination style it makes things easier. Go and dance on those deadlines!

PPS – If you’re here for the first time and you don’t know, I wrote a couple of books to help with procrastination. Get yours here.

 

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How To Make Your Journal Writing Practise Easier

I love a good session emptying my head in my journal and I know a lot of my readers do too.

I enjoy the process of creating specific journal prompts to a couple of my 1:1 clients after our calls. We make them relevant to what is happening in their lives.

One of the most common questions I am asked is “What is the best way to journal?” and it really is personal to each person. You might choose to set a timer for 5-10 mins, you might choose to write a diary-style journal and document your life or you might like to do what I do and use journaling as a form of writing therapy. 

My Favourite Journal Prompt

This is a journal prompt I love and revisit time and time again as it can be used any day, for any way you feel:

‘How am I feeling right now and why?’

It doesn’t matter whether you’re sad, happy, stressed, elated, anxious or joyful, this prompt helps you celebrate the positive or write out your worries. It really does work for any occasion.

I would always recommend that you strike a good balance with journaling. It can get too easy to just write about the bad times or the things that worry you. Don’t forget to journal about the good times too and celebrate all your wins in life. It’s great to have positive things to read back on along with noticing how far you have come on your personal development journey by working out the negative stuff. 

This Week’s Journal Prompts

If you wish, use the following prompts as writing points for your journal, questions to ponder to yourself or talking points to share with someone you trust.

1) If money and time were no option, what would I love to achieve in my life?

2) What moment throughout my life am I most proud of and why?

3) What makes me truly happy?

4) What has been stressing me out this week and why?

5) What has brought joy to my life this week and why?

6) Who am I grateful for this week and why?

7) What one thing can I do this week to Level:Up my life in some small way?

Happy writing!

Gem x

PS – If you’d like to join my FREE Level:Up community on Facebook – the group for living life that little bit better, click here.

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Why We All Need To ‘Sit In Our Sh*t’ At Times

If there’s one habit in human connection that gets on my tits more than any it’s this need for us to insist those in distress mask what they’re feeling and immediately compare them to “others much worse off”.

I don’t know about you but this started early on for me with phrases like “There are kids starving in Africa” when I refused to eat my tea.

I’m not dissing my folks there, they were just saying and doing what everyone else did. Live Aid brought all that home in the late ’80s and our sympathy for those starving in third world countries magnified, making it the guilt trip of every kid not eating their Birds Eye fish finger and spaghetti hoops dinner.

I’ve heard people say things about others who are wealthy or celebrities in the public eye; “What on earth have they got to be sad about?!” but the truth is, if you feel sad, you feel sad. It doesn’t matter how much money you’ve got in the bank, how big your house is or the cars you drive, if you feel shit, you feel shit.

I’ve Been Guilty of This

I have to hold my hands up and say that I’ve been guilty of this in the past. Before my wibbly wobbly head took a good smash against the bedroom wall and my mental health went into the toilet, I was one of these unhelpful dickheads who would say things like:

“At least you can run! So many people can’t even walk!” – to the person who was gutted about a shit time on a marathon.

“At least you’ve still got a job!” – to the friend who didn’t get the promotion.

“Stop being so negative and switch it to a positive.” – to the mate gutted their house sale had fallen through.

I have to really focus on this and beat myself out of the habit of it. There’s a difference between supporting with validation and hope compared to offering a form of toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity has been described as;

The excessive and ineffective over generalisation of a happy and optimistic state in any situation. It is the denial, minimisation and invalidation of genuine human emotional experience. When a person exhibits toxic positivity they deny any and all negative experiences that make us human.

Next time you’re supporting a friend, colleague or loved one, make sure you validate how they are feeling and offer support rather than using a form of toxic positivity to paper over their feelings and not allow them to be heard and honoured.

How To Sit In Your Shit

I learned the hard way what painting a mask on does to your mental health (I spoke about my mental health journey here). Not honouring your feelings does nothing good for you in the long run. Life is both happy and sad, difficult and easy and a continuous journey of contrasts. We all grow up believing that a fairytale existence is possible but the truth is it isn’t. We will all have successes and failures. We will all have highs and lows. That is life! The sooner we accept that not everything will be sunshine and rainbows, the better.

In my opinion, the sooner we start normalising the dark and stormy days, the more we will open up about how we really feel and then be in a position to shift the shit quicker.

For when life is tough, when life is stressful, when things do go wrong and you find yourself in a place of suffering from stress, anxiety, depression, worry, sadness, overwhelm, shame, grief or loss, you must honour how you feel. You must not think that you have to remain positive and upbeat when inside you’re crumbling and crying and longing to shout and scream.

This sounds absolutely ridiculous but when I’m feeling in a shit state I set a crying timer. If I can feel the emotion bubbling up I have a sad songs playlist and I set a crying timer for five minutes and allow myself a session of big, ugly crying. I play Eva Cassidy, I Know You By Heart, which always turns the tear taps on, and then blub away.

For extra dramatics, I do this in front of a mirror. I’ve never managed more than five minutes doing this, and usually feel ridiculous about 60 seconds in. In fact, this often results in me laughing at myself. I feel better for the tears and usually follow it up with a short session journaling. My favourite ever journal prompt which I always come back to and prescribe for others is:

“How am I feeling right now and why is that?”

Once you’ve had a big ugly cry, honoured your feelings and wrote them down it does feel better. You could also throw in another couple of prompts after that:

“What is within my control in this situation?”

“What is a waste of my energy?”

“What are my next steps?”

I realise if you’re reading this you might think I’ve absolutely lost my marbles asking you to set a crying timer and to full-on snot-cry at Eva Cassidy so here are some other weird, wacky and wonderful ways to ‘sit in your shit’ and feel your feelings:

Call a trusted non-judgmental and supportive friend and put it into words how you’re feeling
Go to the gym and punch it out on a punchbag or boxing pads. If you can’t get to the gym, punch your pillows
Scream into your pillow as loud as you can
Stand in the middle of a room and have a full-on toddler inspired tantrum. Stamp your feet, throw yourself on the floor, bash your fists into the ground (this is so much fun!)
Take yourself off into the middle of a field and cry “This is bullshit!!!!!” at the top of your voice (Apologies if you live near me and have heard my son and I doing this on many occasions)
Play a sad songs playlist, let our your emotions and then get yourself to bed for an early night to sleep it off
Have a sit-down shower and cry it out in there while the water washes over your head and face and washes the tears away
Write on a piece of paper all the things that are upsetting and worrying you and then burn it!
If it’s close to Bonfire or New Year, write your worries, negativity and upset on luggage tags and tie them to fireworks. When a responsible person lights said fireworks (and everyone is at a safe distance) marvel as your worries explode in the sky into a million beautiful illuminated lights

Obviously, if you have been feeling this sense of shit and overwhelm for longer periods of time, you may want to call on some professional help in the form of a counsellor, coach or doctor. I am none of these things and the above list is a bit of fun to take you out of a funk.

As ever, this blog has inspired this week’s #WankyQuoteWednesday

Gem x

PS – If you’re looking to be supported to your goals with a form of self-discipline that is compassionate and caring, you might want to join my month-long masterclass series in my FREE Facebook community here.

 

 

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Reflecting and Retreating Into a Cosy October

Autumn is always my favourite season. Not only do the teals, purples, mustard and burgundy colours of the season go well with my red-headed colouring, but I love how the nights draw in and we scurry for warmth. I love big knits and the dancing white mist of hot breath into cold air. I love the first frost and get ridiculously excited when we’re lucky enough to have snowfall.

This is the season of birthdays for most of the important people in my life. There’s always joyous social celebrations, laughter and connection.

This year is a little different.

I’m in no rush to head out for a winter coat, cute boots and chunky knits.

The birthday plans are flat and cancelled.

That’s OK though. It’s what we have to do in this pandemic to try and play our part to not spread this virus.

So it is a perfect time to retreat both physically into the warmth and safety of our homes, but also retreat inwards too. It’s a time when we can look inside and rejuvenate ourselves ready for the final months of 2020 and move into 2021.

A Month-Long Relaxed Masterclass Series

In my Self Discipline Support Group (shit name, really need to change it!), I am hosting four weeks of masterclasses on the following:

I feel like it’s needed. I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday who is an accountant working across multiple businesses. “It’s needed at the moment, Gemma. Everyone I am speaking to is so aware of the possibility of a second wave and wondering if they’ve got the energy to do it all again.”

Energy.

It’s not infinite, is it? And when you are using so much of it; physically, mentally and emotionally during a global crisis like we’ve all been through, it gets overwhelming. That’s when the burnout looms and people end up ill.

I did the first masterclass on Monday (you can catch the replay here) and one of my slides talks about burnout. The definition of burnout is:

Let’s think about burnout for a minute. If this is a reaction to a feeling of being unable to meet constant demands, is it any wonder so many of us are feeling the need to retreat right now and step away from the stress?

What demands have we had to experience in 2020?

Homeschooling
Lack of routine
Lack of exercise
Guilt about not exercising enough
Limited time outside
Loneliness and lack of connection
Tech issues to continue to work
Keyworkers working more hours
Those not on furlough picking up the work
Those on furlough feeling guilt and uncertainty around their career future
Financial/job/business risk stress
Excessive social media consumption
Excessive alcohol & sugar consumption

I don’t want to go on any more and depress us further but is it any wonder why so many of us are at our limit?

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

Retreating, Rethinking and Reassessing

I spent August working 85+ hours a week and by bank holiday weekend I could feel the edges of burnout, threatening to creep up on me. Thankfully I kept my fire burning and knew exactly what to do to stop the wave of overwhelm from drowning out my inner fire. I knew all the steps I could take to stop myself from disappearing in a perilous rip tide of oppressive overwhelm. I’d been focusing on my mental and physical health for a few months by this point so I felt like I was in a good place to cope. I fanned that inner flame – my inner drive and focus that I always know is within me. I reignited myself with walks in nature, good food choices, meditation, journaling and gratitude. My fire carried on burning. There was no time or space for burnout.

After pushing so hard throughout August, in September I took my foot off the gas on my business plans. At first, this crushed me. I’d been working throughout lockdown on a new plan and programme that I wanted to bring to fruition. I wanted to launch it ready for September – ready for that back to school vibe that I knew people were desperate for. That I was so desperate for too. Unfortunately, the programme didn’t happen. In hindsight I’m glad. I’d planned out a fortnight of time to deliver a programme that was now not happening. It allowed me two weeks of thinking time. I retreated.

September came and for many parents like myself, it was a time to get back into a routine and be there for our kids. I did the basics with work and made sure I was there at the school gates at 3 pm every day. I still worked late but nowhere near to the level I was doing throughout summer. I was walking to and from school getting fresh air and thinking time in nature. I thrived off soaking in the late September sunshine, allowing the Indian summer sun to illuminate me from within.

I retreated from social media. I’d been doing daily updates of my to-do list on Instagram as I’m currently in a 90-day accountability challenge with two friends. Now I didn’t want to share it. I didn’t want to be all “GO GO GO!”. Even though I was doing more things in my daily routine than ever before, I just wanted to retreat.

Photo by Ahmed Zayan on Unsplash

Feeling Like A Fraud

My whole brand is #PullYourFingerOut. It’s about realising that it is YOU that stands in the way of your goals. YOU can make the changes necessary to achieve things you once thought were impossible. Yes, it’s a tad aggressive and that’s OK. Sometimes we all need a bit of tough love.

I always say I am not ex-military, I don’t run ultra marathons and I haven’t climbed Everest. I teach real people realistic techniques that help them “pull their finger out” on the daily habits that make their lives easier, more enriched and happier in the long run.

Yet here I was wanting to retreat. To not pull my finger out. To just keep things ticking along, put the goals on pause and have some time to fucking think.

I always say my best ideas come when I’m on the toilet. My copywriting clients even send me messages saying things like “Next time you go for a wee, could you have a think about ‘X’?” and those creative ideas usually occur while emptying my bladder, shaving my legs in the shower or walking the dogs in silence.

We need silence.

We need rest.

We need brain space.

Laziness and rest are not the same thing. So while I might be someone who fights against laziness in my #PullYourFingerOut mission and message, I am also someone who needs to get real at times and pull my own finger out on listening to my body, honouring my emotions and realising when I need to rest, not procrastinate.

And actually isn’t that just as important as being ‘on’ and in sprint, mode to achieve a goal, be super (wo)man/person and do all the things?

So that’s why I’ve made October a cosy month of purposeful and conscious self reflection. I’ve asked group participants to commit to self care in whatever way works for them this week. For me, it’s having a bath. I spent two years without a bath when we renovated our home and lived in a caravan and now I have the most amazing deep bath, I never go in it! I’m also going to attempt a couple of online yoga classes and I would love to carve out an evening to read by the roaring fire.

There’s still time to join in this month’s masterclass sessions. The live videos are in the group ready for a replay whenever is convenient for you. I’ve made a downloadable workbook for each masterclass too. It’s completely free to join. I am doing this because I know how much it helped me to go through this process last month and I wanted to share it with others.

Click here to join the group.

Gem

As ever, this blog post as inspired this week’s #WankyWednesday quote:

 

 

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Would You Bet £500 on Your Own Success?

I’ve started the mother of all accountability challenges.

On Sunday, I don’t know why I just felt so sad and low. I’d had a week off and I don’t do well with time off. I’m a doer. I’m not a person who relaxes easy and so taking a week off threw me out of my routine and had me feeling frustrated. I’d been eating crap with the family all week which didn’t help and felt like I had a carb and sugar hangover.

I decided I needed to take drastic action. My work life is so busy at the moment with client work  (which I’m very grateful for) but I also have some personal business goals I am so desperate to achieve. I can’t seem to magic time up though so I knew I needed to make time.

The only way to make time? Make things non-negotiable and get help and support to keep you accountable.

So I posted this on my own personal Facebook page:

I am not sure where this came from but it happened and over 40 people replied within a couple of hours. FORTY!

It was really hard picking the right person. Some people I knew well and knew that they wouldn’t be right for this and would struggle with my accountability and checking up on them.

In the end I settled on two people who I have met in person a few times and who hang out in the same online groups as me. One is a highly amusing guy who needed a kick for some personal goals and the other is a girl who is a fitness professional who is looking to balance her business with her own health and future goals. One of my own personal core values is ‘fun’ and I knew that in order for this to work it had to be fun. These two are more than fun so we were onto a roll straight away.

The guy in my accountability three-way (ooo-er!), let’s call him D, well he’d already been thinking about this and was looking to start something pretty pronto. He introduced me to the SCRUM method that is used in IT and software development and said he was looking to implement something similar for our accountability group.

The SCRUM idea is that you constantly evaluate your efforts and actions (process goals) against an overall achievement (outcome goal). You evaluate your process goals every two weeks and have open conversations about how they’re going, what you’re doing well, what you’re not doing so well, what can be better and how you can ensure success.

D created us a spreadsheet to track our process goals each week. I must admit for all my geekiness, spreadsheets and I never made friends. I am not good on them at all so this filled me with dread a bit. However, once I saw that D has made it all spangly fandangly and had created a formula that gave us an overall success percentage rate every week, I was hooked. I’ve created short links to each of our spreadsheets that are fully visible to one another. It means I can easuly access it while at my computer or on my phone and update my daily actions. It works great because D has already been on the group WhatsApp chat challenging us about things we haven’t done yet.

The idea behind the spreadhseet and the percentages is we have outlined our weekly process goals (the actions we want to commit to for the specific number of days) and we must hit 85% success rate or more each week for that to be classed as a ‘pass’.

Putting Our Money Where Our Mouths Are

 

I know that whenever anyone does a challenge or some kind of programme that is free, they don’t value it and are quick to give up. I thought about hiring a coach to help me with this accountability but I knew that I wanted intense and daily interaction. I have a coach who is awesome but I wanted to push others and they push me too. So in order to create some kind of monetary exchange, I decided that we would all have to put money down. I looked into escrow accounts or apps that might work and couldn’t see anything suitable so suggested that we all transfer the £500 to someone we trust in our personal lives who would also cheer us on in our endeavours.

I transferred £500 out of my savings to my sister Rachel and explained that I would only get that back if I achieved my goals that I am working towards for the 90 day period. If I succeed with 85% or more on the spreadsheet each week, I will get the money back. If I don’t, that money goes to the others as long as they succeed. So if any one of us fails that’s a potential £250 or £500 coming our way, along with our original stake of £500 back.

Pretty hardcore? Hopefully, it will work to ensure we succeed!

The 90 days started yesterday and will finish on my 39th birthday. I would like to think that I will be going into the last year of my 30s feeling super accomplished and ready to continue on with all the process goals (daily actions) that will become an ingrained habit.

I’ll be updating my progress every day on my Instagram and Facebook stories.

Wish us luck!

Gem

 

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The Power of a Productivity Song

“I’d love to be as focused as you,” someone said to me yesterday. Which made me smile because I often don’t feel focused at all. I don’t think many of us can honestly say we nail our productivity levels every day and that’s OK and normal.

Over the last few years of living, breathing and being everything self-discipline, self-development, productivity and busting procrastination, I have gone through many different techniques to stay focused in my work.

I’ve got a multitude of tricks up my sleeve but one of the easiest things anyone can do is decide on a productivity song.

What is a Productivity Song

If you’ve ever been to a boxing match you’ll know that boxers have a signature tune that they come into the ring to. They play this particular chosen piece of music loud, it gets them fired up and they get in the zone and focused ready to take on their opponent. The music becomes part of their routine and ritual. They repr5eat this process with every fight and match. The boxer’s brain becomes wired ready for action as the music changes their brain state and signals that it is time to compete.

If it’s good enough for a boxer, it is good enough for you when going into the ring with your work tasks.

My Song

When I was 19, I passed my driving test at long last, a lot later than most of my friends. At the time most of my friends had also gone off to University and I’d started a job as a civil servant working in international trade. The plan was always to just have a gap year and figure out what I wanted to do but I fell into a relatively well-paid job for my age and found myself in the rat race at 19, spending hours in the car every morning commuting to Manchester and Warrington. It eventually really got me down and a good friend of mine at the time sent me a card with a cassette telling me that I could believe to be anything I wanted. I think this was probably my first foray into the Law of Attraction and visualising what I wanted in life.

I placed the tap in the tape deck and listened as the heavy bass line started to pump through the shitty speakers of my white Nissan Micra. I found myself starting to tap on the steering wheel, then I was actively moving my body a little in the car seat and then as the music built to a crescendo I was banging my hand on the car roof ceiling, dust flying everywhere but with the biggest grin on my face.

“If you believe, you’ll find a way!” screamed the powerful vocalist over the funky guitar riff and deep boomy base.

It was ‘Believe’ by Ministers de la Funk featuring Jocelyn Brown and it became my signature pick-me-up song that has been the soundtrack to my dark days and my bright days ever since. I love this song so much I want it played at my funeral and the rule is everyone MUST dance in the aisles. Otherwise I will be back to haunt everyone.

This song has got me through some of my toughest days. Break ups, an awkward work disciplinary, financial trouble, arguments, friendship fallouts and job rejections. I have played this song so much and used it to change my mood and brain state so often that I swear it would be better than any antidepressant for me! When I had my nervous breakdown, it was this song I would play on the way home from the school run to stop me from crawling back into bed and hiding from the world.

I have played this song on the way to the gym to get me fired up, before running races including two London marathon races! I have played this song to my son through my pregnant belly and I have put it on loud and on repeat to get me into the mood to do the housework.

It is MY song. I adore it.

It is also the song that is GUARANTEED to get me in the zone ready for a productive day at my computer.

In the same way Pavlov could ring a bell at his dogs before feeding them and eventually they started to salivate at the sound of the bell, I can play my productive song and instantly ‘salivate’ from my mind, changing my motivation levels and brain state.

I encourage everyone I meet to have their own song to get them in the zone. I do have a couple more that also work and do the trick; Gloria Estefan Conga, Sash Encore un Fois, Sneaky Sound System Pictures, TV Rock Flaunt It and Nile Rogers I’ll Be There. I know I’ve got a strange taste in music but it is these songs that sort my head out and help me #PullMyFingerOut.

What about you? Do you have a song that instantly lifts your spirits, changes your state and gets you in the zone? Put that on a playlist with some other songs that are important to you and play it every day before you start your most important tasks. I promise it makes a big difference!

Gem

 

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What I’ve Learned By Not Drinking For Six Months

Lessons from being six months sober

“You’ve got to stop saying it like that. it makes you sound like a recovering alcoholic!”

Said my husband yesterday when I proudly announced:

“I’m six months sober today!”

I should point out that if you have ever had a problem with alcohol and identify as being a recovering alcoholic then go you! There is no shame in saying “Hey I had a problem with this, sorted it out and now I’m recovering.” In fact, I personally think it’s one of the bravest statements anyone can make and there should never be shame or stigma attached to it.

My story is not one of feeling like I had a regular problem with a drink as such, it is a story of realising that I am a person of extremes and my all-or-nothing lifestyle was not doing my health any favours.

November 1st, 2019. Mum’s 60th birthday weekend away. I have no recollection of this evening!

The Ring That Warned Me About Booze and My Heart

In January 2020, I invested in an Oura Ring to track my sleep. On New Year’s Eve 2019, I decided that things were changing in 2020 and I wanted to make sleep and focusing on improving my sleep a priority for me.

At the time, I was around eight weeks into a challenge called #75Hard which saw me stop drinking for the duration of the almost 11-week challenge. I got my Oura Ring which I wear on my finger overnight and started to monitor metrics like my heart rate, heart rate variability (which is apparently a clue for morbidity and other underlying health issues), temperature and sleep levels including deep sleep, REM sleep and light sleep.

I love a gadget and ever since I’ve had my Oura ring, I wake up and check the Oura app straight away each morning. I love seeing how I have done with my sleep and my metrics like ‘readiness’. It gamifies sleep and I like that a lot.

In the middle of January, my #75Hard challenge came to an end. Yay! I could drink again! I had squirrelled away a load of expensive red wine from Christmas and now was the time to get stuck in.

The Booziest Month of My Life

Get stuck in I did, pretty much for a whole month, I drank that Christmas cupboard of booze dry. And I felt like death. I also noticed my anxiety and mental health were affected. I was having a racing heart every morning, feeling anxious and dreading the day.

On Valentine’s day, a group of 20+ of us from my running team went to Barcelona for the city’s half marathon. I wasn’t running (no, no, no) I was there to document the team’s weekend. The team pretty much turned to sangria, Prosecco and red wine to celebrate our amazing achievements and it became one of the heaviest weekends of drinking I’ve ever experienced.

Possibly the last time I am drunk and then dying of a hangover – Feb 2020

When I get sloshed, I get ROYALLY sloshed. Someone once said that I am like a grenade when inebriated and they wait for that moment where it feels like I’ve gone too far and the pin has been pulled out. The type of person I am, I don’t need a drink. I am the first one up on the dance floor whether sober or squiffy and I don’t need the buzz or fake confidence that alcohol gives you. So when you let me drink, woah, you had better be prepared for it.

That last night in Barcelona was messy. I tried to steal a flamenco dancer’s shoes, hit complete strangers on the bottom with the plastic spoon out of a sangria jug and almost smashed light fittings off the wall as I decided my sangria spatula also made an amazing drum stick. I fell asleep in our hotel reception, alone (Shaun was jumping around to Mr Brightside somewhere!) and my friend Karen was summoned by hotel security to collect me; not before I’d fallen into a vending machine.

Even a Big Mac Whopper Meal Didn’t Help

Flying back to the UK the next day was a horrific experience. It was the mother of all hangovers and even a Big Mac whopper was not going to help. As I was hunched over my burger in Barcelona airport, contemplating my life choices, I read a blog by a friend of a friend who was talking about being sober for a whole year and how her life had changed. She had done it with an online company called One Year No Beer.

Over the next few days, I looked into One Year No Beer. I listened to podcasts and read articles of people who had been through the process. You didn’t have to do a full year if you wanted to, you could choose 28 or 90 days before committing to the 365 days.

By the Thursday 20th February, I was sold and I signed up. I have not looked back. I started off with the 90-day challenge and around halfway through that I was offered a discounted rate to extend to the full 365 days which I did. That was six months ago yesterday, meaning I’m halfway through the challenge I signed up for and I can’t believe how much better I feel.

I have:

– more energy

– better sleep

– NO anxiety (seriously, after four years of being plagued by it, the bugger has well and truly gone!)

– weight loss

– less bloating

– less water retention (see image below!)

– better skin

– better nails

– better hair

– more money in my pocket!

I save a lot of money on taxis, booze and those late-night takeaways that are part and parcel of a drinking session.

Six months apart! Hungover and full of anxiety on the left, full of energy and with a clear head on the right

I’m always really cautious talking about being alcohol-free as I sometimes think people might think you’re judging them for drinking. Not at all. I don’t mind what anyone else does. My husband and all my family members and close friends still drink. It doesn’t stop me having a good time at all. I also think Shaun likes the fact he always has a designated driver on hand!

I don’t want to say I’ll never drink again, but I can’t imagine why I would need to. I have discovered some brilliant alcohol-free alternatives like Nosecco which is alcohol-free Prosecco made from green tea. I do find that pouring some sparkling water with a bit of posh cordial and a load of ice into a big gin glass gives me that same relaxing feeling that a glass of wine did.

So, for now, I shall continue on my sober journey (even though hubby hates me calling it that) because I feel so good. My Sundays are no longer spent feeling rough and I feel like my brain fog has lifted.

Oh, and a big one – my heart health has improved massively! I’ve gone from a racing heart of 90 bpm when sleeping after drinking to 55 bpm. I think that was the cause of my anxiety (or ‘hangxiety’ as some people in the alcohol-free circles like to call it) and I love the fact I am free from it.

A Non-Scale Victory I Am Thrilled About

On my milestone yesterday I also celebrated something really important to me. I tried my wedding and engagement ring on and for the first time in almost four years, it fits me again. This is a non-scale victory I have been working towards for a long time and I am so thrilled it happened on my six months sober anniversary. I can’t even begin to explain just how good it felt seeing both on my fingers.

The pic on the left is from November when I started #75Hard and the pic on the right is yesterday. Big thanks to my sister who also got my rings dipped and cleaned up ready for this moment! Now the only problem I have is that my Oura Ring feels super weird on my ring finger on my right hand and I’m not giving up wearing that little beauty!

If you too would like to explore what life would be like without alcohol, I strongly encourage you to have a look at One Year No Beer and their 28, 90 and 365-day challenges. I like the OYNB community because it doesn’t demonise drinking at all and welcomes people who want to try having a break and then explore moderation if that is right for them. It’s a great programme and community. I’ve not been paid to promote them, I just know they’ve helped me change my life and I’d like to let you know about them too.

Gem

 

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Celebrating One Year with The BBC

I can’t quite believe someone lets me loose on the airwaves every week but it’s been one whole year since Nicola Adam and I started our very first show on BBC Radio Lancashire.

This time last year we were broadcasting from 4-6 pm and our show was called Grin & Tonic.

We’ve had some amazing and inspirational guests over the last year and up until March we were delighted to welcome them into the studio every Sunday for an honest and in-depth chat.

Some of the highlights of the last year have included interviewing Hanna Sillitoe as she landed her Dragon’s Den deal which saw her take her skincare range across the UK. We caught up with Hanna again on our anniversary show. Listen from around 30 minutes in here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p08mlrk7

Laura Dove from Five Little Doves blog gave us a heart-wrenching insight into what life is like when you lose a child. Her words stayed with me after her interview. She is such an amazing and strong woman.

And Jed Moss from Preston reclaimed his mental and physical health when he joined The Transform Hub after losing his teenage son. James Calderbank who owns The Transform Hub (pictured) brought in a few people to talk about what fitness meant to them.

Then we had special shows dedicated to cycling with listeners participating live across the county or the afternoon we had Lancashire Outdoors expert Steven Lowe on hand to celebrate all things agriculture. That was the show I asked on-air “What are sweetbreads?” to lots of red-faced cackles from Nic.

I loved the outside broadcast we did in Morecambe for the Morecambe and Vice crime writer festival. I interviewed anthropologist Dame Sue Black who was probably the most jaw-dropping, intriguing and incredible person I’ve ever interviewed. Seriously, look her up. Her work is mind-blowing!

Talking of mind-blowing I really did enjoy the show we did live with the team from award-winning chocolatiers Choc Amor who blew our taste buds off with their crazy flavoured chocolate.

We’ve navigated the buttons, got the music tracks wrong on so many occasions (I always say my music taste is stuck in a 1998 time warp. If it’s not the Spice Girls I am not interested!) but we have got through it each week and it’s been the highlight of my week, every week. It’s definitely the best job I’ve ever had.

COVID Cocked it Up!

Once COVID-19 came along in March, the BBC quite rightly tightened all of its policies and there have been strict rules and regulations in place about the studios. As such, Nic has had to broadcast from the smallest room in her house since March (no, it’s not the downstairs loo!)

She wrote about it on her column this week in the Lancashire Post: https://www.lep.co.uk/news/opinion/columnists/it-might-be-small-it-be-mighty-rise-tiniest-room-nicola-adam-column-2942615

It’s been difficult not being in the same room as one another. Eye contact is very important and trying not to talk over one another is not fun! The tech is amazing that allows Nic to broadcast from her iPhone but there’s sometimes a delay which can’t be helped.

We look forward to the day when we can be back in the studio together but for now, it is what it is.

Next week after the show, we are off celebrating seeing one another for the first time in five months and also toasting a whole year on air without being fired! Yay, go us!

If you’d like to listen to our show you can catch us live on the new extended time of 2-6 pm every Sunday on 103.9 FM, medium wave, DAB and via the BBC Sounds app where you can also listen back to any of our shows from the last four weeks here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p08lycq1

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Do you need discipline to take time off?

Do you struggle to switch off?

You’re not the only one. According to a Direct Line Travel Insurance survey, 4 million British employees don’t take their annual leave every year, with 34% claiming that their workload is too heavy, 22% claim that they only take holidays if they’re going away on a trip, while 21% don’t feel the need to take time off, and another 21% feel that their employer limits them when it comes to claiming their holiday entitlement.

I know with furlough and the pandemic, it’s been a strange one this year for many people. Everyone needs time off and time off on furlough has not been all roses for everyone. Many people are feeling worried about their jobs and so furlough becomes a time to overthink and worry about the future. Furlough isn’t a holiday as such and many other employees still in work are having to take the brunt of the workload due to the reduced workforce. I do genuinely worry for the future culture clash in workplaces that might happen between staff who were furloughed and those who carried on working. Time will tell on this.

When it comes to taking time off, it’s something I dread. It’s always been difficult for me to take time off, whether I’m employed or self-employed. I really struggle to switch off from work – it’s one of the biggest struggles I’ve had for as long as I can remember that requires the most self-discipline. Now I am self-employed it also means I have to do next week’s work this week.

As I write this, I’ve got one more day to wrap up before some well-needed family time off. It’s the first time we have been able to take more than one day off together since Christmas.

We’ve had a few Saturdays off in lockdown but they’ve all been heading to my husband and son’s 2020 pass time of choice – motocross.

The small and large boys love it and I do enjoy watching my son Blake’s reactions and enthusiasm but it’s not my ‘thing’ and can be quite intense.

The reality is I’m a glorified steward when there, checking Blake doesn’t crash or fall off. If I take my eyes off him for a minute you can guarantee he’ll face plant in the mud! It’s not something that recharges and re-energises me. As I wrote on my blog this week, my ‘mum-guilt’ is in overdrive and I need to soothe it quickly.

Feeling Frazzled

So I’m feeling a little (a lot frazzled) today knowing that a few days off are just on the horizon, dangling like a hypothetical carrot of delicious relaxation temptation.

I have been looking at Air B&B rentals and places to go in the UK but the rental prices are astronomical. Plus I have two dogs that could possibly come with us but if you’ve ever followed me on social media and seen my dog, Kevin. Well, need I say anymore? He is a complete asshat who cannot behave so it just ends up being stressful taking him anywhere.

Kevin the asshat – can’t take him anywhere!

When I was looking at holiday properties to rent, many of them looked just like my lovely house! We have spent three long, arduous and disciplined years renovating our property after we took it back to brick and lived in a caravan in our garden. The house almost broke us; financially, physically and mentally.

Every morning when I come downstairs to make my morning coffee I purposely have a moment where I practise gratitude for our home. I am so proud of what we achieved but I feel like I work so much every day, I don’t have time to enjoy what we painstakingly built.

So I’ve decided that we are treating our cottage as a holiday home for a few days and in order for it to feel like a holiday at home, the phones and devices have got to be switched off. I also might even put something in front of my office door to keep me away from my computer! Or shock horror, turn the wifi completely off! (My kid is going to go nuts).

Holidaying at Home

I’m going to get us some lovely food; picky bits you’d have on holiday like tapas or BBQ buffet food and insist we eat outside and watch the sunset every evening. It is always so beautiful and I want to appreciate it more. I’ll order in some bottles of Nosecco too to really get in the mood (it’s 6 months sober for me on Tuesday!).

I already got a few board games at the start of lockdown and the playing cards will definitely make an appearance along with paddling pool frolics. Someone offered me a second-hand trampoline for a few quid so that needs to get picked up too.

The only other thing I need is a sun lounger to complete the look and feel of our true staycation. Although I reckon the prices on those will have inflated so I might end up on the big blow-up air bed on the lawn instead (great tip for a comfy outdoor bed there!).

We will turn off our alarms and sleep in. We will slap on sun cream and wear floppy hats and I will pretend I am in the south of France for a few days.

This all sounds glorious, doesn’t it? Yet I know it’s going to take an extreme amount of discipline for me to actually relax and take the time as a legit holiday.

For now, I’ve got to do what every entrepreneur knows well – time to glue myself to my desk and frantically cram all of next week’s work into the next 24 hours.

By then I will be fully burned out and have no choice but to take the holiday! As is the case every time. Sigh

I’m off to write like the clappers and tie up all my work. I hope you’re also managing to relax and take time off this summer.

Gem x

Ps – Remember, if you’re looking for a summer read for your own staycation or holiday abroad, my new book Stop Procrastinating and Start Living is out now.

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Overcoming Mum Guilt in a Post-Pandemic World

I did a live video on my Facebook page tonight where I asked “When are you at your best?” and I don’t know where it came from, but I cried as I spoke aloud of the mum guilt I feel every day.

I’m typing this now in my office upstairs in my house because I think if I go down and try to cuddle up to Blake on the sofa I will lose it in big waves of snot-filled tears.

The bad news is, I’m a hormonal mess which doesn’t help. The good news is, I’ve got a few days off next week. We all have, as a family. It’s our first time off together since Christmas and it is long overdue. I want to try and have a device-free couple of days to see how it affects our connection because I worry we are really becoming so much more disconnected every day.

The Mum Struggle

In lockdown, my husband has been a keyworker and has been out working every weekday. I am trying to run my own communications business, market my books, do my weekly radio programme and build a new marketing coaching programme aimed at fitness professionals. It means neither of us has been there for Blake as we had hoped. When you have work to do, the homeschooling goes out of the window.

I could’ve and should’ve tried harder. We got off to a good start establishing The Happy School and following lesson plans thinking it was all going to be one big lovely jolly. I got involved with running a community kitchen for those in our village and surrounding areas who were in desperate need of food and The Happy School was overtaken by endless hours helping to facilitate the logistics of the community kitchen in that first month of lockdown. Blake was babysat by the Playstation and I’ve made a pathetic attempt at salvaging any form of routine since.

I know I’m not alone and I know I’ve had it easier than many parents. Especially those trying to juggle multiple children of differing school and pre-school ages with different needs. Jeez I cannot imagine how hard it has been for anyone trying to hold down their job with endless Zoom calls and a demanding toddler at home. At least Blake can be self-sufficient.

I’ve tried cutting myself some slack, being grateful for having Blake at home, reminding myself that we’re all in the same boat and I even reached out in desperation to my mum to have Blake for a few days – more to soothe my guilt and give him a change of scenery and someone I knew would focus her undivided attention on him which I felt he deserved.

But I just can’t help but feel really shit about it.

And guilty.

To the point where if I think about it too hard and too much my throat closes over, my eyes sting and the tears form (just as they are doing as I type out this very sentence). Blake just came in to give me this hug as I typed that too, it’s like his little spidey senses just knew I needed one of his cuddles.

Tips for Easing the Mum Guilt

I’m writing these out for myself really, I haven’t cracked this mum guilt lark at all, but here’s some tips that common sense tells me might help us parents going out of our heads with crippling guilt.

Remember there’s nothing normal about the ‘new normal’ we are ALL out of a routine and just craving some time and space to think. We kept our kids alive and that’s all that matters!
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. For as long as I can remember Shaun has come home from work and entered a ‘power down’ mode. I’m not going to change that about him and there’s no point thinking he should just know to spend time with Blake. It’s not part of his routine so I have to ask him to play with him, entertain him or cook for him to give me that last hour to get my work done. As I mentioned in this blog I also asked my mum for help to take Blake for a few days to give him a change of scenery and me the chance to have a holiday from mum guilt for a couple of days.
Don’t be afraid to say no. Because Shaun is out working and I’m ‘working from home’ it means I get asked to do things all the time that break up my workday, delay me and mess up my scheduling. Like going to B&Q five times in the last week or moving a tonne of logs from the driveway was actually not the greatest use of my time, delayed me and caused me to get stressed and behind with my work. I should’ve said no
Get up early. I know this is shit and not what anyone wants to hear but I think I might have had my second nervous breakdown if it wasn’t for my 5 am get-ups. Has your kid been going to bed at the same time as you in lockdown? Mine too. So I moved my bedtime earlier and then got up earlier in the morning. At least I get an hour of peace to myself
Write a gratitude list every morning. I know, I know, roll your eyes at me because this just sounds too simple to be a magic trick to end mum guilt. I promise it helps
Meditate. Yeah, double whammy on the eye rolls but if you’ve never tried this, don’t poo poo it! Give it a go and you’ll be amazed at how much calmer you feel
Take regular breaks. I am guilty of this but take regular breaks with your work and have focused time in those breaks to either just play, go for a walk or even sit together, cuddle and have a chat
Knock the drinking on the head. I know I’m biased with this one but THANK FUCK I do not drink anymore. Lockdown, with kids? AND a hangover? FUCK THAT. Trust me the pain of giving up alcohol and feeling like you’re missing out on your one and only coping mechanism of choice is all a big fat lie. Alcohol just makes everything a million times worse
Have things to look forward to and stick to your promises no matter what. If, like me, you have to work and your kid(s) end up neglected/babysat by their phone or PlayStation for a large part of the workday plan stuff in for when works ends and STICK TO IT. Kids hate false promises. Have things to look forward to at the end of the workday or the weekend and stick to it. This will help give you something to look forward to and the kids too
Have a clear time that work ends and shut down the computer. Again, I’m writing this to myself. It’s getting later and later recently. Parkinson’s Law states that work expands so as to fill the time available, so make the workday shorter and get work done quicker! Shut that door on the office or completely pack away the computer and notepad
Make some time for creative things you enjoy. Give your brain some well-needed breaks and even get your kids involved in something creative. I love to sing and write but as writing is my job too, my creative writing or poetry is the thing that I love the most

Getting Creative to Ease the Mum Guilt

Before lockdown I used to teach poetry every week. Another thing I feel very guilty about. I haven’t kept in touch with my class as much as I’d hoped but the truth is, if I can’t bolt a phone conversation onto something else like household chores or outdoor solo walks, it just hasn’t happened.

I miss my poetry. I miss teaching my lovely class and I miss speed writing a poem or two and using the prose as a way to release my feelings.

I’m going to have a little go at one right now. I’m a bit rusty having not written one for over five months but here goes:

Let The Guilt Be Theft

I feel guilty for the hours

I’ve spent before this screen

The wasted time together

The places we could’ve been

I feel guilty for your hair

That’s grown like something wild

I’m your mummy and I should

Be caring for my child

I feel guilty that you don’t wash

Don’t dress and teeth don’t brush

I feel guilty I’ve got no battle

Left in me to try and push

I feel guilty that you connect

Via video games of war

I soothe my guilt with V-bucks

As you whine and ask for more

I feel guilty that it sometimes gets

Way past two or three

Before I remember to feed you

Something nutritious and healthy

I feel guilty that you have lost

Your love to learn things new

You’d rather spend your waking hours

Roblox, Fortnite, Minecraft too

I feel guilty that I’m not doing

My duty as a mum

Not managing my time better

To try and have some fun

So next week I want to unplug

From technology and phones

From social media and Zoom calls

and endless YouTuber tones

I want to look back on this time

In quarantine together

And know it wasn’t wasted

As I look back on it forever

I want to take you in nature

Your freckled face in the sun

I want to sit under the stars

Or on soft beaches run

I want to talk to you at length

And really dig so deep

To hold a conversation

Without the interruption of a bleep

I want to capture memories

Right here in my mind

The happy moments I will store

Of us all intertwined

I want to laugh with you

Until it hurts my tum

I want to hold you close

And remember I’m your mum

So my dear boy lets make

The most of what is left

Let’s not let working win

And the guilt finally theft

We’ll get there mums and dads. Right?

Gem xxx

As always, this post inspired my weekly #WankyQuoteWednesday

 

 

 

 

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