Janette Rallison's Blog, page 41

Things not to write in the wedding book

 My oldest daughter (code name Serena, after her favorite cartoon character) is getting married this week. My baby. If I had Prozac, I would be taking it. Instead I am consuming large amounts of chocolate, which probably doesn't work as well as Prozac but tastes much better. Utah readers, if you're coming to the reception bring me some Almond Joys as I'll be stuck in the receiving line and therefore unable to hang out by the chocolate fountain with a mug.

Anyway, in honor of the happy nuptials I'm going to rerun my list of the top ten things not to write in the bride and groom's wedding book. (That I originally posted for my niece's wedding.)

 I've never know what to write in the guest book. I mean, it's a keepsake that the bride and groom will cherish forever and you want to write something deep, meaningful, and unique but after standing with the pen poised in your hand for long enough that the line backs up, you finally scrawl out, "Best Wishes!" and move on.

 So our family got to talking about that . Or rather, we talked about the things that you should not write in the bride and groom's guest book. Here is the top ten list of things you shouldn't write:

1. This was really nice for your first wedding.
2. It's not too late for a pre-nup.
3. The office pool is giving you two years.
4. And who says you can't find nice bridal dresses at Walmart?
5. Apparently she couldn't have done better.
6. We don't actually know you. We just came for the food.
7. He must be a good catch; his first three wives had no complaints, God rest their souls.
8. For your wedding gift I got you that supply of penicillin.
9. At last, you found a way to get your green card!
10. Don't worry. Her ex didn't make parole.

In one minute: Why you should keep a journal

I love this freeze frame. It looks like my expression after my husband tells me that the dog has a stomach ailment--but no, I'm actually talking about why you should keep a journal.

The worst pick up lyrics Award 2012

Last year I created the Enrique Iglesia Memorial Worst Pickup Lyrics in a Song Award. The award bears Enrique's name due to his touching and romantic song:  I Want To--insert the crassest term you can think of here--You Tonight.

I'm not sure there's enough money or fame to make that line work on most women, but apparently Enrique isn't all that picky.

(To see the five contending songs for last years award, you can follow this link: http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/04/vote-for-worst-song-pick-up-lines_26.html )

I was going to post popular songs here and have readers vote on them, but truly I'm not sure any songs can complete with Train's Drive By lyrics. It just wins, hands down as the ultimate stalker song. Don't get me wrong.  I love the tune. It has 27 million views on Youtube and most of them are mine.  But what was Train thinking when they wrote the lyrics? Here's how the song goes:

On the other side of a street I knew, stood a girl that looked like you. I guess that's deja vu. But I thought this can't be true, cause you moved to west L.A or New York or Santa Fe or wherever to get away from me.

What? Listen Train, if you have girls moving across the country in order to avoid you, this is a clear indication that you're doing something very wrong in the romance department.

Oh but that one night was more than just right. I didn't leave you cause I was all through. Oh I was overwhelmed, and frankly scared as h*ll, because I really fell for you.

Wait--the girl in question moved across country after only one night ?  Someone was scared as h*ll and it wasn't you. Have you checked recently to see if your photograph might be among those listed on the FBI's  most wanted sight?

Oh I swear to you, I'll be there for you. This is not a drive by.


A drive by . . . as in a shooting?  Given the other lyrics, maybe this is not the best phrase to use . . .


Just a shy guy looking for a two ply hefty bag to hold my love.

People use two ply hefty bags to hold many things--love aint one of them. Body parts, yeah, those would fit.

When you move me everything is groovy. They don't like it sue me. Mmm the way you do me.
Oh I swear to you I'll be there for you. This is not a drive by.

They don't like it sue me?  Exactly how many times have people brought legal action against you for your romantic behavior?  And is the phrase "I'll be there for you," supposed to make the girl feel better?  Dude, she moved across the country and didn't tell you where.  Get the hint. The last thing she wants is for you to be anywhere around.

The song goes on. Sadly the lyrics don't get any better.  They leave the listener wanting to yell at the poor girl, "Run!  Run! Flee as fast as you can!"

So I think I'm going to have to just award Train the Enrique Award. However, I'm willing to be open minded. If you know of a popular song with worst lyrics, by all means, let me know.

Comicon, where else can you chat with the Grim Reaper

Friday and Saturday I did panels at the Phoenix Comicon. I've got to say, it was a memorable experience.  Here I am chatting with the Grim Reaper. Turns out that Grim is a fan. Who knew, right? I guess even Death needs a laugh once in awhile.

Here I am with my fairy wings, getting ready for my panel on the fair folk with awesome authors, Janni Lee Simner and Aprilynne Pike.  Great panel and pretty well attended considering  it was at the same time as William Shatner's panel. (It never fails; whenever I teach at a conference, my class falls at the same time as a class I want to go to.)  But this is what made my outfit extra awesome.  Author and jewelry maker Shelia Nielson made me a Chrysanthemum Everstar fairy necklace.  Here is a closer view of it:


And if you're reading this before midnight Sunday night head on over to her blog because she's giving away a really cool mermaid necklace to go with her book Forbidden Sea. (I'm already jealous of whoever wins it.)
http://www.windwaithemermaid.blogspot.com/2012/05/forbidden-sea-mermaid-contest-giveaway.html

Why I hate graduation decorations

Okay, here's the horrible thing about parenting.  You put in 18 years of work, love, and care into your children--nurturing them from the time they were nothing but a lump of cells, and then when your children graduate from high school--Bam!--they leave home. FOREVER.

I see no reason to celebrate this event. I cried for two weeks when my oldest daughter graduated. When my oldest son graduated, I sobbed all day--and I knew he was living at home while he went to college for the first year.

My point is, why do retailers think we need balloons and streamers to remind us of the impending end of childhood?

This is what retailers think I see when I walk into the grocery store:


This is what I actually see:


Yeah, and that in a nutshell (or a piece of cake) is why I hate graduation decorations.

In Which I lose again

It's that special time of year--the time when I lose the Whitney Award to someone else. (This year, to Rob Wells for his book Variant.) As is the tradition (that I started, by the way. I am an experienced loser.) the losers gather after the event to drown their sorrow in cheesecake and to glower.  Personally, I think it's the funnest thing that happens at the Whitneys.

Here I am with the lovely Michele Holmes, Julie Wright, Jenni James, Jessica Day George and Theresa Sneed. A fine class of losers if I do say so myself.


And here's another picture where Melanie Jacobson joined us in the cheesecake circle.  You can see Dan Wells is trying to sneak into the picture--because yes, we are that cool. But he is totally not part of our in crowd. True, he lost his category, but then he went and blew his photo op opportunity by winning best book. Whatever, Dan. Maybe you can join us next year.

The winner is Allerednic

Random.org has chosen Allerednic as the winner.

Send me your address at jrallisonfans @ yahoo.com and I'll send you your book.

In which I hop and give away a fairy godmother

Actually, I'm not hopping--you are. Which is a good thing because frankly I'm too tired.  Inspired Kathy, who put this blog hop together, told me that I'm not allowed to give you long lists of things to do in order to enter my give-away.  However, she didn't say I couldn't require you to walk into your nearest bookstore, grab one of my novels to your bosom and shout, "At long last I'll own a Janette Rallison novel! I can die happy now!"

Yeah, do that.

And also leave a comment telling me a fairy tale you'd like to see in my next fairy godmother book. Once I get done with the four novels I'm working on now (Yes, four. Someone shoot me.)I'll need to figure out where Chrysanthemum Everstar will send the next poor hapless girl she's trying to help.

May the magic ever be in your favor.

Deep thoughts while I wait for Friday

Inspired Kathy just emailed me to remind me that I signed up for a blog-hop giveaway on Friday. At first I was a little reluctant to do a blog hop, as hopping sounds dangerously close to exercising, and I do enough of that wandering around the house trying to find my car keys. (Don't laugh. One day you will be old, too.)

I didn't want to put up some time-consuming and perhaps meaningful post just to rip it down Thursday night. So instead, I will leave you with a few deep thoughts that I'm sure you'll want to ponder until then.


Are entrances automatically entrancing?

Shouldn't 12:00 pm follow 11:00 pm?

If caterpillars turn into butterflies, what turns into margarine-flies?

How did Harry Potter ever find his invisibility cloak once he set it down?

If all books become ebooks, will trees that are no longer being chopped down for paper still not make a sound when they fall in the forest?

Will I be able write an 80,000 word book by Sept. 1?

That is the most questionable question of all . . .

Book Signings

My first book signing happened a few months after I'd given birth to 13 pounds of twins. So beforehand, I went shopping to find a magical dress that would hide the fact that I still looked like I was carrying around an undisclosed child in my stomach.

I still remember the sales clerk's reaction when I told her about the event.  She looked at me dreamily and said, "I've always wanted to do a book signing."

I've thought about that statement several times over the years. During some signings, I wish I'd taken her name and number and hired her to do mine for me.

Because yes, some of them really are that bad.  Once only one person walked into the bookstore during the entire signing. (On the bright side, I did sell him a book, so in that regard it was my only 100% successful signing.)  Another time the bookstore obviously forgot I was coming. They'd done no advertising and just set me up in a chair in the corner of the store and ignored me. And I'll never forget the time I brought a pen with golden ink so my signature would be distinctive. It was distinctive all right. It leaked all over the books.

If you have a bucket list with Do a Book Signing written on it, let me save you some trouble. Choose a store, set up a table, and sit there for an hour or two while people rush by you avoiding eye contact. Then cross book signing right off your bucket list.

That said, I'll be doing two book signings in the next week. Yes, actually I am a glutton for punishment, why do you ask? (No, I'm just joking about that. Both places I'm signing are awesome, or trust me, I wouldn't have agreed to it.)

Utah friends:

Friday, May 4th 5:00-6:30 p.m.
The Provo Marriott Hotel
101 West 100 North
 Provo, Utah 84601

A ton of other authors will be there too. Literally, a ton. Although none as wonderful as me, so don't you dare go stand in their lines first. Just saying . . .

Arizona  friends:

Monday, May 7th at 7:00
Changing Hands Bookstore
6428 S McClintock Dr.
Tempe, AZ 85283

Authors Shelley Coriell and Amy Dominy will also be there. Changing Hands is promoting us as Funny Girlz, so one of us should do something amusing. I'm voting for Shelley, because she's a new author and therefore should be subjected to hazing.