Annabelle Lewis's Blog, page 6

When Bad Things Happen to Good Cookies

Does this picture of a gingerbread man lolling in a cup of cocoa
give you the creeps? You know he’s a cookie, right? He’s dissolving in there.
Why is this a feel-good picture and why is that damn cookie smiling? This kind
of stuff always makes me nervous.

It’s the Toy Story Affect. You can’t have it both
ways and see toys as real and then see them as not real too. And what about
M&M’s being constantly afraid right before they are devoured. Or shrimp
eating other shrimp—what commercial was that from? It’s cannibalistic. It feels
bwahaha, but not in a good way.

Is it me? I think there was another gingerbread guy in
mortal peril in the Shrek movies. Weren’t people after him while he squealed
in a really high voice? I’m not going to watch the movies to recollect, but I
think I recall something uncomfortable happening there. I guess I’m just not in
on the joke and was wondering how others felt about this fiendish narrative
playing out through innocent characters.

I can’t eat cookies that are smiling at me because of
gingerbread men. It’s not a true hardship for me, but damn, enough already. This
is why I like donuts. Until….. they’re a little less than a quarter and smiling
up at me.

Never mind, maybe it is me. I gotta lay off the peyote. And
maybe stop reading Stephen King.

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Art History Comes Alive

I love Khan Academy and Smarthistory for their free sites which help me learn about everything I slept through in high school and college. But I especially love Dr. Beth Harris and Dr. Steven Zucker who teach art history. I’ve spent over a hundred hours devouring everything in that subject and have only scratched the surface. Through essays, and pictures, and videos, I’ve learned about topics such as Victorian art and architecture, about baroque art, ancient Mediterranean, modernism, prehistoric, medieval art… the list goes on and on. They even have quizzes after you finish a section which make you feel good.

But the best part
for me, is watching the short videos and listening to Dr. Beth Harris and Dr.
Steven Zucker—art history rock stars and smooth, articulate players deeply
involved in the depth of the work.

The two of them go
around the world to museums and give in-depth analysis for various pieces which
are professionally filmed and brought to life—digital learning at its best. They
banter reverently and gleefully, finishing one another’s thoughts without
effort all the while drawing the listener in and giving us a first-class
education.

And wow, I had no idea how much math is involved in art, too. They’ll drop words and terms which I can only understand in context, but which fascinate me. Curvilinear, rectilinear, strictness of the geometry, symmetry, order, breaks with the purely rectilinear, contrapposto, spirituality, interior experience, formal properties, subject matter, and historical context… I’m breathless while listening to the truth and depth of the conversation. They will draw you into learning as they deliver on the promise that history belongs to everyone.

You know, looking back, maybe I was too hard on myself in my first declarative sentence. Maybe, if I’d been exposed to the joy of digital learning at the level these two people bring to their profession, quite possibly I would have been more involved in the process. Textbooks and slides couldn’t hold a candle to what we have today.

Watch these two
teachers, receive their gifts, go to the free sites. Learn about what art
history can tell us about the human experience all through time. I defy you to
not fall in love with the Beth and Steven show. I may just become a stalker,
but at least I have really good taste.

https://www.Smarthistory.org

https://www.Khanacademy.org

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Sometimes I Just Need A Cookie…

…..and to write. It’s a perfect pairing on this wonderful Christmas Eve and a break from other activities. This year I mismanaged my schedule and our go-to kennel did not have any reservations left for our dog. Oops. This meant I had to search elsewhere for boarding the wild beast, and it just didn’t work out. So, I’m missing the family gathering, and my son and I are home with the dog, a Christmas movie on the horizon.

I promised myself when I woke this morning that I would make
it a great day and in addition to the celebration, I would get some work done
for the marketing division of Annabelle Lewis Books. Yes, it’s the super fun
part of being an author. Not. Let’s see what I’ve accomplished….

I created a giveaway for the kindle version of Charlotte
McGee, Book One of the Carrows Family Chronicles due to launch December
27-December 31. A+ Job Annabelle.

I did no research on the best time to launch a campaign. C-
Annabelle.

I made holiday cookies A+ Annabelle. I’ve eaten three
C- (it’s only noon)

I figured out how to make a short link for the Amazon address
for the book. A+ Annabelle

I created an image for the giveaway on Bookbrush. A+
Annabelle

I rolled around on the carpet with the dog while singing Christmas
music. That’s a solid B (it was hairy, not terribly aerobic, and you’ve got
a bruise on your arm where the dog mauled you)

I ate carrots dipped in Chick-fil-A sauce and put a bottle
of wine in the fridge to chill for later. Hmm, B?

I made The Dip for tomorrow. A+ (Ugga Muga’s Dip – a much
loved family classic)

I spent five hours on Facebook checking out book lover
sites. A+ ?

I applied generous amounts of Ben Gay to my neck because it
hurt after the Facebook marathon. B- I now smell terrible….or good…depends
on how you look at it. My sinuses feel clear, but my eyes are running. Yeah,
let’s move that to C+. Learn to listen to your body signals and get up off your
behind and move around more often!

I texted family hellos and well wishes. Wait, that’s a lie,
and on Christmas, too. C- Annabelle, shame on you.

I danced a jig while vacuuming to Christmas music. A+

My son yelled at me for waking him up with the vacuum. I’m
grading that a solid A, despite the conflict.

This is all prelude to the real story of the day. I talked
to my son about StarWars: The Rise of Skywalker. We saw it yesterday. My
son takes these movies and the world of Star Wars very seriously. We had a refresher
course one year where we watched seven in the series just for prep before
taking in the latest installment. It was a whole lot of popcorn to get through
that, let me tell you. This time, we only watched The Last Jedi to
prepare, but I was glad for the recap. We also had discussions about expectations
going in, and the thing was, his were not met.

I thought the movie was great. I cried. Several times. I won’t do spoilers here, so don’t worry, but we all know that Carrie Fisher is no longer with us in the real world, but she was yesterday, and I loved that. My son had expectations which weren’t fulfilled about a character’s story arc, and took to bed when we got home, me and the dog coaxing him out of his room hours later. Today, we discussed the deeper meanings, and he’ll be okay, but let’s take our hats off to the world George Lucas created. Talk about a story writer and world builder! The first movie came out in 1977, over forty years ago. And it’s still breaking box office records.

So I’ll end my blog with this. George Lucas, your writing changed
our world. Thank you for your work and your vision. You’ll inspire us all, for
generations to come.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Xoxo, Annabelle

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An Unexpected Discovery

While engrossed in the editing process of my latest book—Fisher
of Men, Book Five of the Carrows Family Chronicles, I became worried that a
central character had cried too much. Granted there was a ton of stuff coming
her way, but I paused before changing the words in a key scene and did a word
find of the manuscript to see how many times I’d used the phrase:  eyes filled with tears. 

I dropped in: filled with and got the following
results. I believe the list speaks quite well for my work. It’s a bit of taste
for you out there who haven’t experienced a journey with the Carrows. Come now…read
the list. Aren’t you curious and a wee bit excited?

Great resistance

Twinkling lights

Fur coats

Tremendous surge of happiness

Tears

Mischief

Praise

Spreadsheets

Candlelight

Women

Liquid

Cash

A couple million bucks

Nazi flags and swastikas

The Carrows Family Chronicles by Annabelle Lewis. A playful,
boatload of fun! Book five, coming soon……

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Leave Our Fortune Cookies Alone!

What marketing genius decided it would be a good idea to molest my fortune cookies with personal ads for the company on the other side of the fortune. Whhhhyyyyy. Fortune cookies are a freebie. They are meant to be fun. Enjoyed by the customers.  A tiny thank you, we love you, please come again, cookie.

I won’t name the big chain Chinese restaurant which forced
me into this rant, but come on fellas, I’m spending twelve bucks for a lovely
glass of chardonnay while I wait for fifty bucks in takeout. And then my little
treat at the end of my meal has an ad on it. Not only that, both George and I
had the same fortune. Take advantage of an upcoming opportunity. Like
that’s super cool. You can do better! You obviously know you can customize the
cookies because you put your stank on the back and wrecked it, so why not make
the fortune side a bit more original….or maybe even fun?

I once opened a cookie only to find it empty. I swear to God
I sweat bullets for the rest of the day waiting for something to fall on me
from the sky. I once accidently ripped a companion’s fortune when opening her
cookie (she has allergies and can’t eat or touch them, but she sure as hell
wanted a fortune). The two of us looked at one another horrified. What now!

I attend lunches with my writer’s group at our special Thai
restaurant and we always go around the table and share our fortunes. Sometimes we
add the fun twist to the end…. in bed, regardless of what the fortune
says. For example, George and I’s fortunes this weekend would be….Take
advantage of an upcoming opportunity… in bed. Actually, that one might work.

Where is the trust? The goodwill. When is a thank you an
actual thank you and not tied into an ask for more. That is not a thank you!! I
still hand write thank you notes to people. This is a practice which should never
be replaced. It makes it special, personal, a sincere thank you. The first time
I get an e-mail thank you from a bride after their wedding is when I go back
and ask for my gift back. Do not make me do that!

There is a restaurant in Dallas that has jugs of wine in the bar area for customers to re-fill their own glass while waiting for a table. The honor system was put in place. It cowed me. It also pumped me up. They trusted me and it felt good! The only problem came when a wait was too long I may or may not have lost count on my pours. But the system was beautiful.

Figure this out, big name company with kick-ass spicy
chicken. Don’t persist in the practice of slapping your personal ads on the
back of the fortune. It’s the last experience of an otherwise good meal. And it
leaves a bad taste in our mouths.

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Gripped by Netflix’s Unbelievable, I Missed the Emmys

And I don’t know which is more unbelievable! I never, ever miss one of my top three awards shows…Emmys, Golden Globes, and Oscars. I detox the day before to prep my liver for the cocktails and wine I put back during the all-important red carpet. I plan meals. I clean the house. I issue directives to those living with me. Everyone takes part in the preparation. Queer Eye, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Fleabag, The Crown, Game of Thrones, Russian Doll, I was super excited to root for my favorites and to watch the show.

But this year, I skipped it all, because I was completely engrossed
in Unbelievable. I couldn’t turn it off. The story, the actors, the pacing,
the dialog, the scenes, all of it was riveting. Based on a true story, the
limited eight-part series is about a victim of rape who is not believed by the
police. A brutal, intruder, stranger rape. Like anyone would ever make
something like that up and then willingly endure the insensitive and invasive physical
examination and marathon interviews. At the end of the show, (not really a spoiler),
someone says that the police always believe other crimes…theft, assault,
car-jacking, whatever. But a rape is questioned? Unbelievable. The fact that
this was based on a true story is sickening. I wanted to reach out and save her
so many times. My heart broke for all the victims as two dedicated police
detectives in another state began an investigation.

The day after my viewing marathon and Emmy’s skip, I went to the gynecologist and reported this to her. We often have chatty visits. We once exchanged a peach salsa recipe during the physical exam. Interesting, I’ve been turned off peach salsa since then. Hmm. So I tell the doctor this and her eyes grow big, not because she’s thinking I’m crazy, but because she recently did the same! She stayed up until 4am to finish watching and had work in the morning.

The show is that good. Next year, I’ll be watching as the
actors from Unbelievable line up to receive their awards. Among others,
Merritt Wever, Kaitlyn Dever, and Toni Collette. Wever and Dever….funny? No, just
perfect casting.

Watch this show. But clear your schedule. Don’t go into surgery or deliver babies with no sleep. Not that anyone would. That would be…..

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Lizzo Blockbuster “Truth Hurts” is Awesome, But There’s a Problem

I love this song, but perhaps I’ve listened to it too much,
because….

Problem One:

It’s stuck in my head. For days now. Only the first line.
And I believe it’s grammatically incorrect.

Problem Two:

I don’t think I can legally quote the line in my blog
without the publishers coming after me. I tried researching this bit, but even
if I give full credit to the artists, writers, publishers, and their mothers,
I’m still not sure I can type the line into my blog for discussion.

So look it up. Done? Okay. It’s grammatically
incorrect…right? The sentence has terrific rhythm, but it’s contradictory,
right? I’ve had this conversation with my daughter and she sees my point, but
she really doesn’t care. “Take it up with Lizzo, mom. I’m busy.”

Thanks, kid.

I’m fascinated by the songwriting/studio process. Did Lizzo
and the other songwriters write the lyrics first, or did some of them spring
organically? What about that first line? Did they have any discussions
about the ambiguous grammar? What was that conversation like?

Song stuck in my head, I brought this conundrum up with my
writer’s group, asking if I can do this in my own work. I received a resounding
no. And, “Can we move on now? This is off-topic, Annabelle, and not the first
time you’ve asked the question. The answer is still the same.”

Thanks, guys.

This bothers me. I don’t see why I can’t use improper grammar, or drop words, or use too many, or make words up. I want to play with words too. Especially if it’s dialog. My editor always fixes my stuff, but what if I don’t want it fixed? What if I want sklake to be a word. This is a word I’ve used for years in real life for when we apply tons of sunblock or lotion. We sklake it on. Another example would be snoodled-up. A rif on snuggle and canoodle. Come on. The word gruel is now a part of our lexicon. Check it out….from Mean Girls.

“People don’t know what you’re talking about, Annabelle.
We’ve been over this. Stop fighting me. In print, in books, it appears to be a
typo, not your own weird words.”

Thanks, editor.

“What about odd, nonsensical be-bops, and boop doop a doop, woop
scooba di do, aye yi, yippie ki yi yay stuff. Can I use that?”

Long pause. “Sure.”

“It’s a boat of different color, right?”

“You’re mixing metaphors again, Annabelle.”

She secretly loves me. It’s buried deep.

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Let’s Get Perspective on Mama June

Something’s been bothering me about the latest outpouring of
concern over Mama June’s situation. I know what it is. Misplaced compassion. (Spoiler
alert… this blog is a downer.)

Sorry folks, I think we need to focus on the real victims—her four children. Like a lot of people, I was riveted by Mama June and her family and watched the saga unfold from the beginning with Toddlers and Tiaras. Guilty. Sweet Honey Boo Boo was an innocent six when TLC made her famous on that show. Since then, the family, with Mama June at the head, was given chance after chance and boatloads of cash to better themselves and the circumstances from which they were first discovered. I was rooting for them.

Flash forward to today. People are worried that Mama June is
selling everything she owns on the Facebook Marketplace. From furniture, to hangers,
to a crazy random car manual, Mama June is looking for cash so she can move God
knows where with her latest boyfriend. The two of them have a love for gambling
and drugs. She called the cops on him for domestic abuse before remembering to clean
up her house and hiding her crack. Both of them were arrested. She did have the
foresight to hide $1300 cash in her bra, though. Smooth.

But why are we surprised? We certainly shouldn’t be. Let’s do a fast review. The list of her disturbing life choices is incredibly long, but I’ll try to hit the highlights.

She has four girls by three, or maybe four daddies. She’s said she’s not really sure who is the father of one. She dumped her oldest daughter on her mother when Anna was seven so she could move in with a guy named Mark McDaniel who was convicted of aggravated child molestation. Poor little Anna—June’s oldest, also claims to be the victim of this guy. I completely believe her. The other charmers Mama June chose to procreate with are also criminals. And I’m not saying Mama June has a sick type, but the father of Chubbs

I Need A Tim Gunn App

Tim Gunn, where are you? I need you to make an app. It’s the
middle of the night and I can’t sleep and I began thinking seriously about
getting the app I previously wrote about called Calm. (See blog entitled, It’s
a Dunderstorm). Among other things on Calm, soothing stories are read by
actors with pleasing, appealing voices like Matthew McConaughey.

But Tim Gunn could provide more than a bedtime story, (although
he’d be great at that too). I’m fantasizing about Tim giving me a daily
affirmation. Maybe as my alarm clock.

“Good morning, Annabelle.”

Oh, God, can you hear it? I’ve got goosebumps thinking how
wonderful it would be to hear his voice say that.

Ahem.

“Good morning, Annabelle. I afraid it’s time to rise. But
don’t fret, there’s a veritable cornucopia of opportunities for enjoyment
awaiting you.”

Maybe his voice could be activated when I press the remote
to make the window blinds rise.

“Salutations, Annabelle. As you can see, daylight is upon
us. It’s time to rise. It may be difficult at first, but sensational adventures
await.”

Or I could ask Alexa to have Tim give me an affirmation.

“Be of good cheer as you go about your day. Remember, be
kind to yourself, and as difficult as it can be for you, Annabelle, be kind to
others too.”

Hmm. Maybe his voice could be paired when I pull out the
coffeepot to pour my first cup of coffee.

“Greetings, Annabelle. Enjoy the invigorating aroma and
flavorful notes of your coffee. Be mindful of the compendious moments as you go
through your day.”

Tim’s positivism and vocabulary are delightful. I could have
his voice connected to the long string of door chimes the dog nudges when she
wants to go outside twenty times a day.

“Now, now, Annabelle. Remember, it’s not all about you.
Make it work!”

How about in the laundry room?

“I predict moments of exhilarating reward when you and
your family enrobe yourself with clean garments. They’ll forget to thank you,
but don’t grumble, it’s simply dreadful for the digestive system.”

Okay Tim, how about when I’m flossing and the floss, wound
around my fingers to keep from slipping cuts into them producing pain,
aggravation, and makes me never want to do the difficult molars again.

“I concur. Certainly an unwelcome consequence. But I
predict a congratulatory moment and a deep perspicacity of gratification in the
dentist’s chair.”

What about now, when I can’t sleep?

Dear Annabelle. Lie your head on your pillow. Close your
eyes and try not to worry. Your problems will be there in the morning, but with
the proper determination and can-do attitude, you will prevail. Sleep now, dear
one. Sleep.

I heart you, Tim Gunn. The world needs you.

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Best Blog Ever!

A kick-ass Call to Action? Click-bait? Boom. Right in your
face. Now I give you a reward, my sweet.

Read FU Penguin by Matthew Gasteier. A book about
cute animals receiving their comeuppance. Who knew they needed it? Matthew did.
I heart you, Matthew.

According to great blog-writing rules, and to stay on topic delivering the best blog ever, I’m also supposed to help you with something. So here’s a helpful tip:

Wear a diaper when you read FU Penguin. It’s that
good. Since reading the book, I’ve purchased it many times and given it as
gifts for various celebratory events. I don’t think everyone gets the humor and
to my surprise, some people have actually been offended by the title. To those
folks, I would say, FU. We’re not playing on the same team. Get out of my sandbox.
I’m smashing your castle.

Blog writing rules also say that I should find a problem which is common that others may share and speak to them about how I overcame this problem.

People who don’t cuss or who are offended by cussing is a problem I often encounter. How do I overcome that? I cuss more. Stop blushing, weirdo. As you can see, I call them names. Not to their face, that would be rude. No. I do it in my head. Whisper to yourself….these are inside thoughts. You then internally malign the suckers and smile.

Helpful. No?

Look. Real life is full of bad stuff. Bad stuff will always
be there. Grief is real. But you can play hard, get dirty, and not fear it. Be
a little naughty. And possibly not cuss around certain people in authority, or
your mother, or the priest, or……..

And for those of you shocked and appalled flinchers out
there, I saw you smiling—basically confessing that your own internal thoughts
are peppered with spicy language when you received that special book at the
baby shower. What am I talking about? Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam
Mansbach with gorgeous illustration by Ricardo Cortés hasn’t become the most
popular shower gift ever because it’s not relatable.

Don’t deny it! I gotcha.

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