Chloe Carmichael's Blog, page 2
February 23, 2022
Don’t Feel Chemistry With Nice Guys? Here’s How to Change That!
Have you ever felt frustrated that you seem to get hopelessly “head over heels” for unavailable men, yet find yourself hopelessly impervious to the advances of nice guys who are genuinely available and ready for a serious relationship? Would you like to change this pattern so you can finally start enjoying a great relationship and quit wasting time with men who play hot-and-cold with your emotions? Keep reading to see how the science of psychology can come to your rescue!
In a classic study of social psychology, Dutton and Aron conducted an intriguing study in which a female experimenter stood at the end of two different bridges, and asked random men who crossed the bridge to tell a short story as part of a psychology experiment. The first bridge was a safe, sturdy bridge ten feet over a calm rivulet– we’ll call that one the “safe bridge” for our purposes here. The second bridge was rickety, scary bridge that traversed a 230-foot drop to rocks and rapids– we’ll keep it simple and call that one the “scary bridge” here. What the researchers found was that the men who crossed the scary bridge were more likely to use sexual or romantic imagery in their stories. These men who crossed the scary bridge were also more likely to rate the female experimenter as attractive, even though it was actually the same woman at the end of both bridges.
Why did the men crossing the scary bridge tell more sexual or romantic stories and rate the female experimenter as more attractive than the men who crossed the safe bridge? Results suggest that these men misattributed their arousal symptoms (such as increased heart rate or sweaty palms) that arose from crossing a highly stimulating, albeit somewhat scary bridge to romantic or sexual attraction for the woman.
This study may explain a phenomenon I’ve seen in my practice. Many of my female clients complain that they don’t feel chemistry with nice guys; yet find themselves drawn to men who are unpredictable and keep them guessing (I also occasionally see this in my male clients). If you experience this in your own dating life, you will want to learn how to see good guys as more exciting and the not-so-good guys as less so. Keep reading for tips on how to do this!
MAKE A LIST
Your first step will be to make a list of Scary Bridge behaviors. Scary Bridge behaviors are behaviors that are undesirable in a dating partner, and which therefore may result in considerable worry or irritation for you. Unfortunately, this worry or irritation can often be misattributed as attraction for the man who is provoking the worry or irritation. That is why it’s important to identify these behaviors so you can recognize them as they occur. Your list may include the following:
Showing up late to a date (even if for a good reason– any type of lateness can increase anticipation, which increases physiological arousal)
Canceling a date at the last minute (again, even if for a good reason– the point here isn’t to evaluate his reasons, just to notice the effect of the behavior on your physiological arousal)
Suggesting a date but failing to make clear plans with you or keeping you guessing about exactly when/where the date will occur
Telling you he isn’t sure if he’s ready for a relationship
It’s important not to get stuck in trying to evaluate whether his reasons are “good” or not for the behaviors above. To your body, it makes no difference- if there are sudden changes or periods of uncertainty, your level of physiological arousal can get heightened. We all have occasional last-minute emergencies, but if you’re dating someone who seems to have an endless array of issues (sick mother, emergency meeting, been hurt in the past, the list goes on…. and on… and on…), consider that his unavailability could actually be creating drama that ironically actually makes him more tantalizing.
In addition to your Scary Bridge list, you will also want to make a list of Safe Bridge behaviors. These are behaviors which you may have previously seen as sappy or boring, but which are often found in good guys. Your list of Safe Bridge behaviors may include the following:
Showing up to a first date with flowers
Offering to pick you up or see you home
Arriving on time for dates
Ending a date with plans to see you again
Making it clear that he is smitten with you (nice but cheesy text messages, nervous laughter, sweaty palms, finding himself tongue-tied in an awkward silence, nervous about first kiss, etc)
Reading this, you may be thinking that you do like it when a guy does some of the Safe Bridge things above, yet you still find yourself attracted to unavailable men. But consider the context of those behaviors. If you find yourself attracted to men who do Safe Bridge behaviors inconsistently, these behaviors may excite you mainly due to their rarity. Intermittent reinforcement is actually the most excitement provoking— this is why casinos set slot machines to give rewards in a randomly ordered manner where the user never knows what to expect, and keeps chasing the rewards. Don’t let intermittent reinforcement create a misleading sense of excitement that keeps you trapped in a holding pattern with a Mr Wrong who plays hot-and-cold with your emotions or your schedule.
RE-SLOT BEHAVIORS
After making your list of Scary Bridge and Safe Bridge behaviors, you will next want to change the way you see these behaviors. While you may find Scary Bridge behaviors to be exciting or signs that a man must be “hard to get” or “just so busy and successful” or “really cool and not rushing things”, you will want to re-slot these behaviors as flaky, non-assertive, and undesirable. The goal is to get to the point where you can roll your eyes at these behaviors rather than getting tantalized by them.
You will also want to re-slot Safe Bridge Behaviors. Below are some ideas on how to see nice guys as more exciting:
Think about how thrilling it would be to get engaged or to plan a wedding. How can the cheap excitement that flaky guys provide compare to the thrill of being in a deep relationship that leads to marriage?
Do something a little scary with your date, such as going to a horror movie. Should you misattribute your fear as attraction for your date in this context, it would be a positive thing!
Come up with a sexual fantasy to imagine while on a date with Mr Nice Guy. If you need help coming up with ideas, you might try searching online for erotica or porn till you find something that really excites you– it should feel naughty, forbidden, or whatever it takes to get your heart racing. When you go on a date with a nice guy who might feel so safe that he’s a little boring, call the fantasy material mind while you focus your gaze on your date. This will help arouse your body and make you more open to advances from Mr Nice Guy.
If you are able to successfully re-slot Safe and Scary Bridge behaviors, this could go a long way towards reducing frustration in your dating life. I have seen my clients apply the principles in this article to great success.
In a classic study of social psychology, Dutton and Aron conducted an intriguing study in which a female experimenter stood at the end of two different bridges, and asked random men who crossed the bridge to tell a short story as part of a psychology experiment. The first bridge was a safe, sturdy bridge ten feet over a calm rivulet– we’ll call that one the “safe bridge” for our purposes here. The second bridge was rickety, scary bridge that traversed a 230-foot drop to rocks and rapids– we’ll keep it simple and call that one the “scary bridge” here. What the researchers found was that the men who crossed the scary bridge were more likely to use sexual or romantic imagery in their stories. These men who crossed the scary bridge were also more likely to rate the female experimenter as attractive, even though it was actually the same woman at the end of both bridges.
Why did the men crossing the scary bridge tell more sexual or romantic stories and rate the female experimenter as more attractive than the men who crossed the safe bridge? Results suggest that these men misattributed their arousal symptoms (such as increased heart rate or sweaty palms) that arose from crossing a highly stimulating, albeit somewhat scary bridge to romantic or sexual attraction for the woman.
This study may explain a phenomenon I’ve seen in my practice. Many of my female clients complain that they don’t feel chemistry with nice guys; yet find themselves drawn to men who are unpredictable and keep them guessing (I also occasionally see this in my male clients). If you experience this in your own dating life, you will want to learn how to see good guys as more exciting and the not-so-good guys as less so. Keep reading for tips on how to do this!
MAKE A LIST
Your first step will be to make a list of Scary Bridge behaviors. Scary Bridge behaviors are behaviors that are undesirable in a dating partner, and which therefore may result in considerable worry or irritation for you. Unfortunately, this worry or irritation can often be misattributed as attraction for the man who is provoking the worry or irritation. That is why it’s important to identify these behaviors so you can recognize them as they occur. Your list may include the following:
Showing up late to a date (even if for a good reason– any type of lateness can increase anticipation, which increases physiological arousal)
Canceling a date at the last minute (again, even if for a good reason– the point here isn’t to evaluate his reasons, just to notice the effect of the behavior on your physiological arousal)
Suggesting a date but failing to make clear plans with you or keeping you guessing about exactly when/where the date will occur
Telling you he isn’t sure if he’s ready for a relationship
It’s important not to get stuck in trying to evaluate whether his reasons are “good” or not for the behaviors above. To your body, it makes no difference- if there are sudden changes or periods of uncertainty, your level of physiological arousal can get heightened. We all have occasional last-minute emergencies, but if you’re dating someone who seems to have an endless array of issues (sick mother, emergency meeting, been hurt in the past, the list goes on…. and on… and on…), consider that his unavailability could actually be creating drama that ironically actually makes him more tantalizing.
In addition to your Scary Bridge list, you will also want to make a list of Safe Bridge behaviors. These are behaviors which you may have previously seen as sappy or boring, but which are often found in good guys. Your list of Safe Bridge behaviors may include the following:
Showing up to a first date with flowers
Offering to pick you up or see you home
Arriving on time for dates
Ending a date with plans to see you again
Making it clear that he is smitten with you (nice but cheesy text messages, nervous laughter, sweaty palms, finding himself tongue-tied in an awkward silence, nervous about first kiss, etc)
Reading this, you may be thinking that you do like it when a guy does some of the Safe Bridge things above, yet you still find yourself attracted to unavailable men. But consider the context of those behaviors. If you find yourself attracted to men who do Safe Bridge behaviors inconsistently, these behaviors may excite you mainly due to their rarity. Intermittent reinforcement is actually the most excitement provoking— this is why casinos set slot machines to give rewards in a randomly ordered manner where the user never knows what to expect, and keeps chasing the rewards. Don’t let intermittent reinforcement create a misleading sense of excitement that keeps you trapped in a holding pattern with a Mr Wrong who plays hot-and-cold with your emotions or your schedule.
RE-SLOT BEHAVIORS
After making your list of Scary Bridge and Safe Bridge behaviors, you will next want to change the way you see these behaviors. While you may find Scary Bridge behaviors to be exciting or signs that a man must be “hard to get” or “just so busy and successful” or “really cool and not rushing things”, you will want to re-slot these behaviors as flaky, non-assertive, and undesirable. The goal is to get to the point where you can roll your eyes at these behaviors rather than getting tantalized by them.
You will also want to re-slot Safe Bridge Behaviors. Below are some ideas on how to see nice guys as more exciting:
Think about how thrilling it would be to get engaged or to plan a wedding. How can the cheap excitement that flaky guys provide compare to the thrill of being in a deep relationship that leads to marriage?
Do something a little scary with your date, such as going to a horror movie. Should you misattribute your fear as attraction for your date in this context, it would be a positive thing!
Come up with a sexual fantasy to imagine while on a date with Mr Nice Guy. If you need help coming up with ideas, you might try searching online for erotica or porn till you find something that really excites you– it should feel naughty, forbidden, or whatever it takes to get your heart racing. When you go on a date with a nice guy who might feel so safe that he’s a little boring, call the fantasy material mind while you focus your gaze on your date. This will help arouse your body and make you more open to advances from Mr Nice Guy.
If you are able to successfully re-slot Safe and Scary Bridge behaviors, this could go a long way towards reducing frustration in your dating life. I have seen my clients apply the principles in this article to great success.
February 17, 2022
Boost Your Chances of Finding The One
How to Boost Your Chances of Finding The One
Tired of being the bridesmaid and not the bride? If you know you want a relationship that leads to marriage and you want to find it in the next year or two, it’s time to rethink your dating strategy.
Before you read on, know that this post only applies to you if you want to find a partner soon. While many women are willing to wait decades to find their ideal match, others feel that finding a partner is one of their current life priorities. If that’s you and you’re ready to take deliberate action to increase your chances of making it happen, follow these three steps:
1. Set your target number.
Finding your partner is a numbers game: The more dates you go on, the more likely you are to end up on the date that connects you with your future partner. If you’d like to connect with that man sooner than later, the trick is to get proactive about going on a certain number of dates each week.
How do you know the right number of dates to go on each week? The truth is, there is no “right” number that applies to everyone — but to a certain degree, higher numbers of first dates translate to a higher likelihood of ultimately finding your match. In my practice, women in their mid-30s tend to have higher numbers than women in their 20s, simply because many women feel strongly that they would like to marry by the age of 40.
2. Update your social calendar.
Once you’ve chosen your target number, decide how you will meet it each week. You have several options, including the following:
Online dating
Professional matchmakers
Speed dating events
Setups from friends
Volunteering
Intramural sports
Alumni club mixers
Wine tasting classes
As soon as you do the legwork of creating a fabulous online profile, joining some great social clubs, meeting some matchmakers, telling friends and family that you’re available, etc., your dating calendar may just begin to fill itself each week!
3. Meet your weekly number.
For women who want a conventional relationship leading to marriage, the hardest part of meeting a newly declared higher number of weekly dates is getting enough activities going to increase the number of date requests from desirable men.
If you find you’re having trouble meeting your number, either start going out more or start saying yes to more people. You can also lower the number if you need to, but try to stay with the same number for at least six weeks so you’ll really get a chance to see what it’s like.
While revving up your dating life may sound overwhelming at first, it’s actually pretty fun. Not only will you be shaking things up by exposing yourself to new situations and people, you’ll also be opening yourself up to all the benefits of dating more — one of which is paving the way to your ideal future.
You may check out the trailer of Dr. Chloe walking you through the 10 Commandments of Dating below.
https://youtu.be/hQEaD6oKOo4
Tired of being the bridesmaid and not the bride? If you know you want a relationship that leads to marriage and you want to find it in the next year or two, it’s time to rethink your dating strategy.
Before you read on, know that this post only applies to you if you want to find a partner soon. While many women are willing to wait decades to find their ideal match, others feel that finding a partner is one of their current life priorities. If that’s you and you’re ready to take deliberate action to increase your chances of making it happen, follow these three steps:
1. Set your target number.
Finding your partner is a numbers game: The more dates you go on, the more likely you are to end up on the date that connects you with your future partner. If you’d like to connect with that man sooner than later, the trick is to get proactive about going on a certain number of dates each week.
How do you know the right number of dates to go on each week? The truth is, there is no “right” number that applies to everyone — but to a certain degree, higher numbers of first dates translate to a higher likelihood of ultimately finding your match. In my practice, women in their mid-30s tend to have higher numbers than women in their 20s, simply because many women feel strongly that they would like to marry by the age of 40.
2. Update your social calendar.
Once you’ve chosen your target number, decide how you will meet it each week. You have several options, including the following:
Online dating
Professional matchmakers
Speed dating events
Setups from friends
Volunteering
Intramural sports
Alumni club mixers
Wine tasting classes
As soon as you do the legwork of creating a fabulous online profile, joining some great social clubs, meeting some matchmakers, telling friends and family that you’re available, etc., your dating calendar may just begin to fill itself each week!
3. Meet your weekly number.
For women who want a conventional relationship leading to marriage, the hardest part of meeting a newly declared higher number of weekly dates is getting enough activities going to increase the number of date requests from desirable men.
If you find you’re having trouble meeting your number, either start going out more or start saying yes to more people. You can also lower the number if you need to, but try to stay with the same number for at least six weeks so you’ll really get a chance to see what it’s like.
While revving up your dating life may sound overwhelming at first, it’s actually pretty fun. Not only will you be shaking things up by exposing yourself to new situations and people, you’ll also be opening yourself up to all the benefits of dating more — one of which is paving the way to your ideal future.
You may check out the trailer of Dr. Chloe walking you through the 10 Commandments of Dating below.
https://youtu.be/hQEaD6oKOo4
February 11, 2022
The Surprising Benefit of Dating More
The One Great Benefit of Dating More and Often
Disclaimer: This post only applies to people whose true wish is actually a committed relationship leading to marriage — and within that group, specifically heterosexual women. In heterosexual relationships, it’s often the man who pursues the woman, and my female clients tend to want a man who pursues them, rather than the other way around.
Many women come to see me because they’re seeking support in how to share their wish for partnership in a way that feels grounded and confident rather than clingy or desperate.
Often, these women are in a situation where actions speak louder than words. They may have been on a couple of dates with a man, and they are waiting to see if he’s going to take the first step in moving the relationship forward like they want him to do.
But the waiting game can get difficult, and while these women want or intend to wait, they give in to the impulse after their feelings get very strong. They decide to initiate the relationship talk instead of wait for the man to do so.
Ever been there? Like my female clients, you’ve probably felt disappointed after deciding to make that first move, no matter what the result, because you know the conversation would have felt better if the man had been the one with a strong enough focus on the topic to raise it himself and communicate his feelings — or at least his goals. Even men from the ’50s who weren’t big on “touchy feely” conversations were able to tell a woman clearly when they wanted to stop dating other people and start settling down.
The way to manage this impulse is to focus on others — by literally focusing your eyes on different men while you date others regularly — until or unless he verbally expresses and behaviorally demonstrates readiness, interest, and ability for commitment.
By actively continuing to date others until the one you really want communicates to you that he feels strongly for you too and that he’s in the same place in life regarding readiness for commitment (specifically marriage, if that’s how you feel), you will likely have an easier time maintaining balance while you “wait and see” if he’s going to make that move and ask you to take your relationship to the next level.
You might surprise yourself — more than once, I’ve seen women force themselves to date other men to distract themselves from “Mr. Big” who wasn’t committing, only to become completely enraptured by the man who started off as a distraction and ended up their husband!
You may check out the trailer of Dr. Chloe walking you through the 10 Commandments of Dating below.
https://youtu.be/hQEaD6oKOo4
Dr. Chloe also has 14 days of FREE Dating tips, a series that is meant to help you make your dating life more enjoyable.
https://share.hsforms.com/1IGAnPLO0QG...
Disclaimer: This post only applies to people whose true wish is actually a committed relationship leading to marriage — and within that group, specifically heterosexual women. In heterosexual relationships, it’s often the man who pursues the woman, and my female clients tend to want a man who pursues them, rather than the other way around.
Many women come to see me because they’re seeking support in how to share their wish for partnership in a way that feels grounded and confident rather than clingy or desperate.
Often, these women are in a situation where actions speak louder than words. They may have been on a couple of dates with a man, and they are waiting to see if he’s going to take the first step in moving the relationship forward like they want him to do.
But the waiting game can get difficult, and while these women want or intend to wait, they give in to the impulse after their feelings get very strong. They decide to initiate the relationship talk instead of wait for the man to do so.
Ever been there? Like my female clients, you’ve probably felt disappointed after deciding to make that first move, no matter what the result, because you know the conversation would have felt better if the man had been the one with a strong enough focus on the topic to raise it himself and communicate his feelings — or at least his goals. Even men from the ’50s who weren’t big on “touchy feely” conversations were able to tell a woman clearly when they wanted to stop dating other people and start settling down.
The way to manage this impulse is to focus on others — by literally focusing your eyes on different men while you date others regularly — until or unless he verbally expresses and behaviorally demonstrates readiness, interest, and ability for commitment.
By actively continuing to date others until the one you really want communicates to you that he feels strongly for you too and that he’s in the same place in life regarding readiness for commitment (specifically marriage, if that’s how you feel), you will likely have an easier time maintaining balance while you “wait and see” if he’s going to make that move and ask you to take your relationship to the next level.
You might surprise yourself — more than once, I’ve seen women force themselves to date other men to distract themselves from “Mr. Big” who wasn’t committing, only to become completely enraptured by the man who started off as a distraction and ended up their husband!
You may check out the trailer of Dr. Chloe walking you through the 10 Commandments of Dating below.
https://youtu.be/hQEaD6oKOo4
Dr. Chloe also has 14 days of FREE Dating tips, a series that is meant to help you make your dating life more enjoyable.
https://share.hsforms.com/1IGAnPLO0QG...
February 4, 2022
The Simple Guide to Beating Valentine’s Day Anxiety
Valentine’s Day may seem like a sweet holiday, but whether you’re single or taken, it can quickly turn sour if you have the wrong attitude. This week I shared several tips on Anxiety.org to combat specific anxieties around Valentine’s Day that I regularly come across in my practice.
Here is a sneak preview, and you can read the full article on Anxiety.org:
If you’re in a happy, new relationship: Expecting to be blown away by a grand romantic gesture can put too much pressure on your partner and your relationship — and lead to disappointment. So what do you do? Communication is key. Talk about the day beforehand with your partner and set realistic expectations together. Just remember not to set your mind on one ideal — be open to new experiences, and you might actually be pleasantly surprised in the end. Most important: Instead of using this holiday as a test for your relationship, see it as an opportunity to learn something new about your partner.
If you’re single: With so many status updates by taken or married friends rolling by on your newsfeed, now more than ever Valentine’s Day can feel more like an annoying reminder of your single status. Instead of worrying about it, use this day to take small steps toward finding the kind of relationship you desire. Turn off Facebook, and seek out social activities, like mixers or concerts, where you can meet new people. If you haven’t taken the leap and tried online dating yet, also dedicate a couple of hours on Valentine’s Day to set up an online dating profile. Don’t forget to treat yourself on this day by planning something you truly look forward to. Remember: You don’t have to wait for someone to treat you. In fact, part of finding a relationship is learning to love yourself first and knowing how to make you happy.
If you’re going through a breakup: It’s natural to feel sad and lonely on this day. Try to shift your focus on what’s positive about your situation. Remember why it’s over and focus on the benefits of being on your own instead of with someone who isn’t right for you. More often than not, a breakup opens doors that lead to better things than what’s behind the door that closed. To help yourself remember this, start by making a list of all the reasons you’re better off single than with the wrong person and keep it on hand on Valentine’s Day as a simple reminder. Then, to help yourself heal, plan something nurturing on this day, like a massage, which is especially appropriate since our body goes through withdrawal from our partner’s touch after a breakup. Finally, make plans with friends to decrease the feelings of isolation you may feel on Valentine’s day.
If you’re in a not-so-happy relationship: Valentine’s Day can magnify the bad aspects of a relationship that isn’t in a good phase, and anxiety can spike as the spotlight suddenly falls on all the things you’re doing to try to pretend everything is fine. There are two ways to deal with this situation on Valentine’s Day: Face your problems head on with your partner or decide to call it quits. Now’s the time to have a heart-to-heart with your partner about what’s wrong so you can move forward together — or separately, if that’s what you decide. Remember that there’s no wrong time to go through with a breakup, because neither you nor your partner is gaining anything by you sticking around if your heart really isn’t in it.
Read the full article on https://www.anxiety.org/relationship-...
Here’s a link of Dr. Chloe being interviewed about Valentine’s Day anxiety on Blog Talk Radio with Shana Thornton.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shanatho...
You may check out the trailer of Dr. Chloe walking you through the 10 Commandments of Dating below.
https://youtu.be/hQEaD6oKOo4
Here is a sneak preview, and you can read the full article on Anxiety.org:
If you’re in a happy, new relationship: Expecting to be blown away by a grand romantic gesture can put too much pressure on your partner and your relationship — and lead to disappointment. So what do you do? Communication is key. Talk about the day beforehand with your partner and set realistic expectations together. Just remember not to set your mind on one ideal — be open to new experiences, and you might actually be pleasantly surprised in the end. Most important: Instead of using this holiday as a test for your relationship, see it as an opportunity to learn something new about your partner.
If you’re single: With so many status updates by taken or married friends rolling by on your newsfeed, now more than ever Valentine’s Day can feel more like an annoying reminder of your single status. Instead of worrying about it, use this day to take small steps toward finding the kind of relationship you desire. Turn off Facebook, and seek out social activities, like mixers or concerts, where you can meet new people. If you haven’t taken the leap and tried online dating yet, also dedicate a couple of hours on Valentine’s Day to set up an online dating profile. Don’t forget to treat yourself on this day by planning something you truly look forward to. Remember: You don’t have to wait for someone to treat you. In fact, part of finding a relationship is learning to love yourself first and knowing how to make you happy.
If you’re going through a breakup: It’s natural to feel sad and lonely on this day. Try to shift your focus on what’s positive about your situation. Remember why it’s over and focus on the benefits of being on your own instead of with someone who isn’t right for you. More often than not, a breakup opens doors that lead to better things than what’s behind the door that closed. To help yourself remember this, start by making a list of all the reasons you’re better off single than with the wrong person and keep it on hand on Valentine’s Day as a simple reminder. Then, to help yourself heal, plan something nurturing on this day, like a massage, which is especially appropriate since our body goes through withdrawal from our partner’s touch after a breakup. Finally, make plans with friends to decrease the feelings of isolation you may feel on Valentine’s day.
If you’re in a not-so-happy relationship: Valentine’s Day can magnify the bad aspects of a relationship that isn’t in a good phase, and anxiety can spike as the spotlight suddenly falls on all the things you’re doing to try to pretend everything is fine. There are two ways to deal with this situation on Valentine’s Day: Face your problems head on with your partner or decide to call it quits. Now’s the time to have a heart-to-heart with your partner about what’s wrong so you can move forward together — or separately, if that’s what you decide. Remember that there’s no wrong time to go through with a breakup, because neither you nor your partner is gaining anything by you sticking around if your heart really isn’t in it.
Read the full article on https://www.anxiety.org/relationship-...
Here’s a link of Dr. Chloe being interviewed about Valentine’s Day anxiety on Blog Talk Radio with Shana Thornton.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shanatho...
You may check out the trailer of Dr. Chloe walking you through the 10 Commandments of Dating below.
https://youtu.be/hQEaD6oKOo4
February 3, 2022
The Surprising Benefit of Anxiety
https://youtu.be/uNItJGhgHPk
Yes! You read the title right! Whether you’re with me on this or not, I’m sure about this— anxiety is not bad after all. Snap out that negative list you have about anxiety. It’s time to look at the other side of the coin— the good thing that comes out from being anxious.
No matter how hard we try to get rid of our anxieties, the truth is we just can’t. Anxiety is a feeling embedded in us. It doesn’t cherry-pick people who get to be anxious; we simply all do. So hey, if you’ve been or are currently anxious, hear me out. There is good in it. I promise.
What’s good?
Anxiety stimulates preparation behavior.
We might not notice this, but all the adrenaline that anxiety gives us makes us move, think and act quicker. All we need to do is address that energy accordingly and adequately.
Example: You are getting anxious on your first ever date with the woman that you like, instead of pacing back and forth in your room, you can put your adrenaline to much better use— choose your outfit or jot down some topics to talk about.
And if in case you still got that extra energy after the date. Relax, that’s normal. My book, Nervous Energy, gives you straightforward and realistic examples and ways to deal with the extra rush.
We may feel anxious at different paces and extremes, but I hope no matter how you are doing with that feeling, you will never forget that there is good in everything, and so in your anxieties.
Yes! You read the title right! Whether you’re with me on this or not, I’m sure about this— anxiety is not bad after all. Snap out that negative list you have about anxiety. It’s time to look at the other side of the coin— the good thing that comes out from being anxious.
No matter how hard we try to get rid of our anxieties, the truth is we just can’t. Anxiety is a feeling embedded in us. It doesn’t cherry-pick people who get to be anxious; we simply all do. So hey, if you’ve been or are currently anxious, hear me out. There is good in it. I promise.
What’s good?
Anxiety stimulates preparation behavior.
We might not notice this, but all the adrenaline that anxiety gives us makes us move, think and act quicker. All we need to do is address that energy accordingly and adequately.
Example: You are getting anxious on your first ever date with the woman that you like, instead of pacing back and forth in your room, you can put your adrenaline to much better use— choose your outfit or jot down some topics to talk about.
And if in case you still got that extra energy after the date. Relax, that’s normal. My book, Nervous Energy, gives you straightforward and realistic examples and ways to deal with the extra rush.
We may feel anxious at different paces and extremes, but I hope no matter how you are doing with that feeling, you will never forget that there is good in everything, and so in your anxieties.
January 21, 2022
Coping with Quarantine Life: 4 Simple Tips from a Clinical Psychologist!
Quarantine life has been called “the new normal” over the past couple of months. Although it may be “normal” in the sense that it’s become common, it is understandably not feeling at all normal to us in terms of our wellbeing: in fact, quarantine life can pose some very unique challenges. While I can’t take that stress away, as a clinical psychologist I can offer some practical tips to handle quarantine life from a cognitive, behavioral, and emotional perspective. Some of the tips I offer will be exercises or other behaviors you can try, and some of them will be just simple ideas on perspectives that may be helpful. Many of the ideas and exercises will actually be helpful to you even after quarantine, so take heart in knowing you’re increasing your proverbial toolbox in ways that will be useful even when COVID19 is a thing of the past, at least in terms of pandemic levels. If you’re open to ideas on personal growth, then you’ve come to the right place!
Let’s start by remembering that each person is in a slightly different situation, and each person has slightly different needs. This means that you may find some of the ideas here to be really helpful, and some of them not-- of course I encourage you to take what works for you and leave the rest. Take comfort in knowing that the act of viewing some options and choosing the best ideas for yourself is actually part of a healthy process of self-efficacy and self-care, where you are getting in touch with your own needs and deliberately choosing whatever techniques seem best for you. Without further ado, here are some tips to consider.
Let yourself chill: Many of us feel a responsibility to use our quarantine time to tackle projects. If you feel revved up to do this, good for you! By all means do it. On the other hand, if you find yourself wanting to sleep more, sometimes just sit quietly and let yourself idle, or do other things that might seem less productive on the surface, give yourself some latitude-- you might actually be “doing” more than you realize. Quarantine life can stimulate us to think about big topics, consciously or unconsciously (things like our sense of connection to others, mortality fears for our parents, and financial issues, to name a few). When the mind is processing all these things “in the background”, plus adjusting to a big change in routine, it is normal and oftentimes HEALTHY to allow some time for your mind to settle itself without any pressure to jump into projects. In fact, many studies have shown that creativity often spikes just after a moment of boredom or mental idle time. While it can sometimes be good to push yourself to take the first step on projects since the first step is often the hardest, it can also be wise to listen to yourself if you feel a strong pull to just watch the proverbial paint dry for a bit.
The Zone of Control: If you find your mind is brimming with concerns, a good first step is often to sort those concerns out into two major categories: The items you CAN control, and the items you CANNOT control. When our mind is full of concerns, we often feel a sense of anxiety-- remember that the HEALTHY function of anxiety is actually to stimulate preparatory behaviors. That’s why we can feel jittery or get some extra adrenaline, sweaty palms, or a restless feeling from anxiety.This might sound weird, but it can be helpful to frame the extra adrenaline and nerves we sometimes feel from anxiety as mother nature’s GIFT of extra energy to help us take healthy action around our stressors. That’s why it’s important not to waste the energy on things we can’t even control. For example, stressing yourself out regarding whether your parents will get COVID is mainly beyond your control so you might want to tell yourself compassionately to focus yourself instead on things you CAN control, such as giving them extra phone calls and nice notes in the mail to express your love for them. Another example would be stressing about when lockdown will end: We can’t control when lockdown will end, so stressing about that question can be counterproductive-- but we CAN control how we’ll spend our lockdown time, potentially building healthy routines including meditation or even a brief 5-minute burst of physical exercise every morning that will benefit us even after quarantine life is finally over! We can also control how we self-soothe the stress we feel about lockdown. Keep reading to learn more!
Journal: Journaling is a super convenient way to pay attention to yourself. Many times, anxiety or other forms of mental stress are really craving attention-- and if we block them out or refuse to listen, the anxiety can fester or start intensifying so that it can grab your attention. Not listening to our feelings can also lead to feelings of numbness since we have disconnected from ourselves. The good news is that journaling will often help restore your connection with yourself, or allow you to build on your connection in a positive way. Many psychologists believe that part of the reason humans evolved into such intelligent beings with such sophisticated societies is because we have the gift of language, which allows us to observe and develop our thoughts. A good way to take advantage of this gift is to journal. If you find yourself feeling blank, just challenge yourself to fill up a half-page every day, even if it’s simply you writing down that you don’t know what to say-- that in itself is actually part of you getting in touch with yourself and putting your experience into words. If journaling stirs up some heavy or uncomfortable feelings, please thank yourself for journaling to get clarity on them-- remember that journaling did not CREATE these feelings, it just helped you see what they are so that you can potentially talk to a trusted person and get support with what you’re feeling. Oftentimes, the simple act of sharing with another person helps to increase comfort levels because it’s a behavioral signal to yourself that you’re not shouldering the challenge totally alone, and sometimes it even sparks creative discussion around how to handle the feelings or challenges Speaking of support:
Lean on others-- it will help them too!: Many people are hesitant to call a friend or family member and ask to talk about challenges they’re having, because they’re afraid it will be a burden. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that actually, psychology studies show that asking others for support tends to make people feel special and valued, because you are recognizing them as an intelligent and sensitive person. So, if you try the Zone of Control exercise above and discover that you’re overwhelmed with things you can’t control, or if you journal and get in touch with some difficult feelings, consider asking a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to review the material with you. You may be surprised to see that adding a fresh perspective helps bring new ideas to manage challenges-- or even just experiencing a supportive conversation where you see clearly that you’re not alone can be extremely helpful.
Conclusion: The stressors we encounter in life are much less important than how we handle them. This is why some people who have extreme challenges of third-world poverty or terminal illness are somehow still able to find happiness and joy; while others who have endless resources may struggle to find happiness. The key takeaway here is that although COVID19 and quarantine life are tremendously challenging, our coping strategies are a huge part of what will shape how much these stressors actually impact us emotionally. So, please do yourself a favor and make sure you are getting lots of support.
Let’s start by remembering that each person is in a slightly different situation, and each person has slightly different needs. This means that you may find some of the ideas here to be really helpful, and some of them not-- of course I encourage you to take what works for you and leave the rest. Take comfort in knowing that the act of viewing some options and choosing the best ideas for yourself is actually part of a healthy process of self-efficacy and self-care, where you are getting in touch with your own needs and deliberately choosing whatever techniques seem best for you. Without further ado, here are some tips to consider.
Let yourself chill: Many of us feel a responsibility to use our quarantine time to tackle projects. If you feel revved up to do this, good for you! By all means do it. On the other hand, if you find yourself wanting to sleep more, sometimes just sit quietly and let yourself idle, or do other things that might seem less productive on the surface, give yourself some latitude-- you might actually be “doing” more than you realize. Quarantine life can stimulate us to think about big topics, consciously or unconsciously (things like our sense of connection to others, mortality fears for our parents, and financial issues, to name a few). When the mind is processing all these things “in the background”, plus adjusting to a big change in routine, it is normal and oftentimes HEALTHY to allow some time for your mind to settle itself without any pressure to jump into projects. In fact, many studies have shown that creativity often spikes just after a moment of boredom or mental idle time. While it can sometimes be good to push yourself to take the first step on projects since the first step is often the hardest, it can also be wise to listen to yourself if you feel a strong pull to just watch the proverbial paint dry for a bit.
The Zone of Control: If you find your mind is brimming with concerns, a good first step is often to sort those concerns out into two major categories: The items you CAN control, and the items you CANNOT control. When our mind is full of concerns, we often feel a sense of anxiety-- remember that the HEALTHY function of anxiety is actually to stimulate preparatory behaviors. That’s why we can feel jittery or get some extra adrenaline, sweaty palms, or a restless feeling from anxiety.This might sound weird, but it can be helpful to frame the extra adrenaline and nerves we sometimes feel from anxiety as mother nature’s GIFT of extra energy to help us take healthy action around our stressors. That’s why it’s important not to waste the energy on things we can’t even control. For example, stressing yourself out regarding whether your parents will get COVID is mainly beyond your control so you might want to tell yourself compassionately to focus yourself instead on things you CAN control, such as giving them extra phone calls and nice notes in the mail to express your love for them. Another example would be stressing about when lockdown will end: We can’t control when lockdown will end, so stressing about that question can be counterproductive-- but we CAN control how we’ll spend our lockdown time, potentially building healthy routines including meditation or even a brief 5-minute burst of physical exercise every morning that will benefit us even after quarantine life is finally over! We can also control how we self-soothe the stress we feel about lockdown. Keep reading to learn more!
Journal: Journaling is a super convenient way to pay attention to yourself. Many times, anxiety or other forms of mental stress are really craving attention-- and if we block them out or refuse to listen, the anxiety can fester or start intensifying so that it can grab your attention. Not listening to our feelings can also lead to feelings of numbness since we have disconnected from ourselves. The good news is that journaling will often help restore your connection with yourself, or allow you to build on your connection in a positive way. Many psychologists believe that part of the reason humans evolved into such intelligent beings with such sophisticated societies is because we have the gift of language, which allows us to observe and develop our thoughts. A good way to take advantage of this gift is to journal. If you find yourself feeling blank, just challenge yourself to fill up a half-page every day, even if it’s simply you writing down that you don’t know what to say-- that in itself is actually part of you getting in touch with yourself and putting your experience into words. If journaling stirs up some heavy or uncomfortable feelings, please thank yourself for journaling to get clarity on them-- remember that journaling did not CREATE these feelings, it just helped you see what they are so that you can potentially talk to a trusted person and get support with what you’re feeling. Oftentimes, the simple act of sharing with another person helps to increase comfort levels because it’s a behavioral signal to yourself that you’re not shouldering the challenge totally alone, and sometimes it even sparks creative discussion around how to handle the feelings or challenges Speaking of support:
Lean on others-- it will help them too!: Many people are hesitant to call a friend or family member and ask to talk about challenges they’re having, because they’re afraid it will be a burden. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that actually, psychology studies show that asking others for support tends to make people feel special and valued, because you are recognizing them as an intelligent and sensitive person. So, if you try the Zone of Control exercise above and discover that you’re overwhelmed with things you can’t control, or if you journal and get in touch with some difficult feelings, consider asking a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to review the material with you. You may be surprised to see that adding a fresh perspective helps bring new ideas to manage challenges-- or even just experiencing a supportive conversation where you see clearly that you’re not alone can be extremely helpful.
Conclusion: The stressors we encounter in life are much less important than how we handle them. This is why some people who have extreme challenges of third-world poverty or terminal illness are somehow still able to find happiness and joy; while others who have endless resources may struggle to find happiness. The key takeaway here is that although COVID19 and quarantine life are tremendously challenging, our coping strategies are a huge part of what will shape how much these stressors actually impact us emotionally. So, please do yourself a favor and make sure you are getting lots of support.
January 14, 2022
Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity can sound like a confusing phrase at first: after all, positivity is supposed to be positive, right? However, just like even something as innocent and healthy-sounding as jogging can become toxic if taken to an extreme, so can positivity.
Taken to an extreme, positivity becomes toxic and deprives us of the motivation to make healthy changes that the awareness of a negative, uncomfortable reality would otherwise stimulate us to make. For example, a person with toxic positivity might return repeatedly to an abusive relationship "because I want to just focus on his positive aspects, and hold hope that he will change!". Or they might run up huge credit card bills on frivolous things because they’re "staying positive" about future earnings.
What to do if someone in your life is mired in toxic positivity?
If you feel someone in your life may be lapsing into toxic positivity to the point of denying important information such as allowing people to mistreat them and/or other self-sabotaging behaviors, you can try to share your perspective with them by telling them you are concerned their positivity may be verging on denial. Be gentle, and emphasize that you're mentioning this only because you care about them, and that you worry they may be setting themselves up for pain if they don't register certain signs of trouble.
Try to have at least three examples to share, since you’ll be raising a topic that has been in their “blind spot”. This will also help ensure you’re actually on to something real, rather than just glimpsing one moment of a person’s life and labeling them as toxically positive. Toxic positivity hinges on a lack of awareness of negative information, and examples can be a helpful, concrete way to increase awareness. It may also be helpful to raise the topic when the person is experiencing some sort of consequence of their toxic positivity since that’s when they might be more open to considering changes (like when their boyfriend is standing them up for the umpteenth time, you could provide a sympathetic ear and also take a moment to share your concern that it may be time to re-evaluate if this boyfriend really is such an angel, using a few examples from his past behavior).
However, you must remember that it's ultimately their life to live. If they become prickly or angry, it’s usually best to affirm that of course they know their own life best, and promise to back off from pushing your own ideas if they’d like. On the other hand, you don’t have to be stuck forever picking up the pieces of their toxically positive life-- next time they call for the hundredth “I can’t believe he stood me up again” consolation call, you could say something like,
“I’m so sorry this is happening, and you know my thoughts about the situation-- I think you deserve better, and I hate to see you suffer I’m not sure I’m the best person to encourage you in learning to tolerate this from him since my personal feeling is that it’s not a healthy choice for you-- but of course I understand you need to do whatever’s best for you.”
What if you’re toxically positive?
If you know you have a tendency for toxic positivity, consider asking a trusted friend or therapist to help you understand the underlying issue. For example:
Are you afraid of conflict?
Do you lack confidence in your problem-solving skills?
Do you have a belief that certain emotions like anger are “bad” rather than recognizing that anger is often a healthy indicator that someone may be violating our boundaries?
Understanding why you're doing this will help you to grow whatever skills you need in order to change. Also, ask your therapist (if you have one) or trusted friends to feel empowered to alert when they notice you going into toxic positivity, since getting real-time feedback can be helpful when dealing with blind spots. As explained in the earlier section on how to help a friend who is toxically positive, friends are often hesitant to mention toxically positive patterns to others, since many people bristle at the suggestion that they might be “missing something”. Let others in your life know that you're aware of the issue and you want their feedback!
Journaling can also be a great way to build awareness of things we’d otherwise push to the side. Forcing yourself to journal every day for at least five minutes will help nudge you towards registering the good and the bad in life. For example, if you’re the person who is toxically positive about their boyfriend, seeing a whole notebook full of examples of when they stood you up or otherwise mistreated you can make it harder to deny or “forget” about those incidents.
Conclusion
Many people block out uncomfortable feelings because they don't know how to deal with them, or understand their value. My book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, helps to change this by showing the benefits of confronting stressors in a healthy way rather than stuffing them down; and my book on dating (Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating) is designed to help people keep healthy boundaries. Whatever path you choose to take, feel free to share your journey with me by posting comments or questions to me on social media-- I became a psychologist because I love to connect with people, and I always love hearing from readers of my books or blogs!
Taken to an extreme, positivity becomes toxic and deprives us of the motivation to make healthy changes that the awareness of a negative, uncomfortable reality would otherwise stimulate us to make. For example, a person with toxic positivity might return repeatedly to an abusive relationship "because I want to just focus on his positive aspects, and hold hope that he will change!". Or they might run up huge credit card bills on frivolous things because they’re "staying positive" about future earnings.
What to do if someone in your life is mired in toxic positivity?
If you feel someone in your life may be lapsing into toxic positivity to the point of denying important information such as allowing people to mistreat them and/or other self-sabotaging behaviors, you can try to share your perspective with them by telling them you are concerned their positivity may be verging on denial. Be gentle, and emphasize that you're mentioning this only because you care about them, and that you worry they may be setting themselves up for pain if they don't register certain signs of trouble.
Try to have at least three examples to share, since you’ll be raising a topic that has been in their “blind spot”. This will also help ensure you’re actually on to something real, rather than just glimpsing one moment of a person’s life and labeling them as toxically positive. Toxic positivity hinges on a lack of awareness of negative information, and examples can be a helpful, concrete way to increase awareness. It may also be helpful to raise the topic when the person is experiencing some sort of consequence of their toxic positivity since that’s when they might be more open to considering changes (like when their boyfriend is standing them up for the umpteenth time, you could provide a sympathetic ear and also take a moment to share your concern that it may be time to re-evaluate if this boyfriend really is such an angel, using a few examples from his past behavior).
However, you must remember that it's ultimately their life to live. If they become prickly or angry, it’s usually best to affirm that of course they know their own life best, and promise to back off from pushing your own ideas if they’d like. On the other hand, you don’t have to be stuck forever picking up the pieces of their toxically positive life-- next time they call for the hundredth “I can’t believe he stood me up again” consolation call, you could say something like,
“I’m so sorry this is happening, and you know my thoughts about the situation-- I think you deserve better, and I hate to see you suffer I’m not sure I’m the best person to encourage you in learning to tolerate this from him since my personal feeling is that it’s not a healthy choice for you-- but of course I understand you need to do whatever’s best for you.”
What if you’re toxically positive?
If you know you have a tendency for toxic positivity, consider asking a trusted friend or therapist to help you understand the underlying issue. For example:
Are you afraid of conflict?
Do you lack confidence in your problem-solving skills?
Do you have a belief that certain emotions like anger are “bad” rather than recognizing that anger is often a healthy indicator that someone may be violating our boundaries?
Understanding why you're doing this will help you to grow whatever skills you need in order to change. Also, ask your therapist (if you have one) or trusted friends to feel empowered to alert when they notice you going into toxic positivity, since getting real-time feedback can be helpful when dealing with blind spots. As explained in the earlier section on how to help a friend who is toxically positive, friends are often hesitant to mention toxically positive patterns to others, since many people bristle at the suggestion that they might be “missing something”. Let others in your life know that you're aware of the issue and you want their feedback!
Journaling can also be a great way to build awareness of things we’d otherwise push to the side. Forcing yourself to journal every day for at least five minutes will help nudge you towards registering the good and the bad in life. For example, if you’re the person who is toxically positive about their boyfriend, seeing a whole notebook full of examples of when they stood you up or otherwise mistreated you can make it harder to deny or “forget” about those incidents.
Conclusion
Many people block out uncomfortable feelings because they don't know how to deal with them, or understand their value. My book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, helps to change this by showing the benefits of confronting stressors in a healthy way rather than stuffing them down; and my book on dating (Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating) is designed to help people keep healthy boundaries. Whatever path you choose to take, feel free to share your journey with me by posting comments or questions to me on social media-- I became a psychologist because I love to connect with people, and I always love hearing from readers of my books or blogs!
January 7, 2022
Mindfulness: Your Secret Business Weapon
As a clinical psychologist and former yoga teacher who works with driven business people, I want to clarify a common myth that mindfulness is mainly about relaxation and “being present”. Relaxation and feeling fully present are certainly positive components of mindfulness practice, but mindfulness can also be used to increase your insight and awareness around one of your most valuable business assets: your thoughts. By learning to observe our thoughts without reacting to them, we can save ourselves considerable time, money, and energy by choosing to “follow through” only on the thoughts that are truly in service of what we actually want in any given situation. I know this sounds abstract, so here are some real-life examples of how growing your “mindfulness muscles” will help you in day-to-day life:
Handle disagreements wisely: When you notice that you have a disagreement with a colleague or counterpart, do you have an immediate instinct to try and persuade that person to your point of view? Or perhaps to quietly accommodate and people-please? We all have default styles of conflict management that we’ll use when disagreements arise, especially if the disagreement matters a lot or rattles us in some way– which is exactly the time when it would behoove us to mentally take a step back and choose an approach mindfully rather than just getting sucked into a pattern of persuading, pressuring, or accommodating. Different situations and relationships will be best managed by an accommodating and even submissive style, whereas other situations may benefit from you being super direct and even applying heavy pressure when needed– while still other situations may benefit more from simply noticing and getting comfortable with both parties being able to comfortably hold different perspectives without feeling the need to persuade each other.Mindfully noticing if you are feeling automatically pulled to persuade or accommodate in the face of disagreement will help you to pause and consider which strategy is best for each individual situation rather than just reflexively using your default style of conflict-management. Mindful awareness of your reactions to disagreements will also make it more difficult for others to deliberately push your buttons, since they won’t be able to count on you automatically responding to disagreement in a rote fashion– instead, you’ll size up the situation like a chess board and make the best move given all the variables.
Stay focused on what matters: We are more productive and fulfilled when we have a clear sense of purpose. It’s easy to lose track of why are doing what we’re doing, unless you work for an employer whose sense of mission is directly relevant to your personal goals (such as an animal-lover working for a pet shelter). Mindful awareness of the connections between your work and your personal goals will increase your sense of purpose, which will increase your productivity and fulfillment. For example, although the latest corporate initiative you’re spearheading may not feel especially compelling to you on a personal level, successfully implementing that very same initiative represents a ticket to providing your family with meaningful things like education, travel, or security in old age (or whatever goals the financial payoff of a job well done will facilitate in your life). Mindfulness allows you recognize and to remain aware of the mental reference points that connect your work to a greater life purpose.
Get empathy (and understanding!) from others: Mindfulness guides you to practice observing yourself and putting those observations into words. The more you’re able to understand yourself, and the better you’re able to explain what you’re thinking and feeling, the more others will be able to see your perspective. Getting others to understand your perspective is a skill that helps others to increase their empathy towards you, which often makes them more willing to accommodate you when needed. For example, being able to help your boss understand that you’ve bent over backwards to get a client to the negotiating table may stimulate your boss to give you some extra latitude on certain negotiating points since she will realize how much you’ve sacrificed to get the client to the table. Conversely, as an employer or manager, being able to help your direct reports clearly understand the business-critical importance of certain goals, and how much the success of those goals matters to you on a personal level, will help employees to engage deeper with you and the company.
Mindfulness is one of my favorite tools both personally and professionally. I’ll admit that this blog covers the “why” of mindfulness but not really the “how” of mindfulness. The good news is that I’ve already written other blogs on how to increase your mindfulness skills! To read more about how you can grow your mindfulness skills, check out my other blogs or call my office so I can teach you personally!
Handle disagreements wisely: When you notice that you have a disagreement with a colleague or counterpart, do you have an immediate instinct to try and persuade that person to your point of view? Or perhaps to quietly accommodate and people-please? We all have default styles of conflict management that we’ll use when disagreements arise, especially if the disagreement matters a lot or rattles us in some way– which is exactly the time when it would behoove us to mentally take a step back and choose an approach mindfully rather than just getting sucked into a pattern of persuading, pressuring, or accommodating. Different situations and relationships will be best managed by an accommodating and even submissive style, whereas other situations may benefit from you being super direct and even applying heavy pressure when needed– while still other situations may benefit more from simply noticing and getting comfortable with both parties being able to comfortably hold different perspectives without feeling the need to persuade each other.Mindfully noticing if you are feeling automatically pulled to persuade or accommodate in the face of disagreement will help you to pause and consider which strategy is best for each individual situation rather than just reflexively using your default style of conflict-management. Mindful awareness of your reactions to disagreements will also make it more difficult for others to deliberately push your buttons, since they won’t be able to count on you automatically responding to disagreement in a rote fashion– instead, you’ll size up the situation like a chess board and make the best move given all the variables.
Stay focused on what matters: We are more productive and fulfilled when we have a clear sense of purpose. It’s easy to lose track of why are doing what we’re doing, unless you work for an employer whose sense of mission is directly relevant to your personal goals (such as an animal-lover working for a pet shelter). Mindful awareness of the connections between your work and your personal goals will increase your sense of purpose, which will increase your productivity and fulfillment. For example, although the latest corporate initiative you’re spearheading may not feel especially compelling to you on a personal level, successfully implementing that very same initiative represents a ticket to providing your family with meaningful things like education, travel, or security in old age (or whatever goals the financial payoff of a job well done will facilitate in your life). Mindfulness allows you recognize and to remain aware of the mental reference points that connect your work to a greater life purpose.
Get empathy (and understanding!) from others: Mindfulness guides you to practice observing yourself and putting those observations into words. The more you’re able to understand yourself, and the better you’re able to explain what you’re thinking and feeling, the more others will be able to see your perspective. Getting others to understand your perspective is a skill that helps others to increase their empathy towards you, which often makes them more willing to accommodate you when needed. For example, being able to help your boss understand that you’ve bent over backwards to get a client to the negotiating table may stimulate your boss to give you some extra latitude on certain negotiating points since she will realize how much you’ve sacrificed to get the client to the table. Conversely, as an employer or manager, being able to help your direct reports clearly understand the business-critical importance of certain goals, and how much the success of those goals matters to you on a personal level, will help employees to engage deeper with you and the company.
Mindfulness is one of my favorite tools both personally and professionally. I’ll admit that this blog covers the “why” of mindfulness but not really the “how” of mindfulness. The good news is that I’ve already written other blogs on how to increase your mindfulness skills! To read more about how you can grow your mindfulness skills, check out my other blogs or call my office so I can teach you personally!
December 29, 2021
How to make a hard decision
https://youtu.be/JkHSXYw8Kwo
Do you sometimes get stuck on decision making? While it’s great to have options, there is a hidden burden: the responsibility of actually making a choice! Whether you’re trying to choose between two jobs, two romances, or even two vacation destinations, it’s normal to realize that there are great qualities about both options– and this can make it hard to decide. As a clinical psychologist, I can assure you that thinking carefully make sense up to a certain point, but taking too long on any one particular decision can lead to fatigue, frustration, and poor decisions. Thank goodness there is an easy technique to help with decision making!
THE TOGGLE TECHNIQUE
The toggle technique is good for important decisions where you feel stuck between two options. You’ve done a pros/cons list, you’ve thought about both options carefully, and you’re still unsure. Sometimes we need to get beyond the intellect and into our “gut feeling” to make the best choice. Here’s how:
Get Centered: Find a quiet space and do a couple of deep breaths to warm up. Close your eyes to block out distractions.
Dive In: Imagine that you’ve totally committed to one of your choices– we’ll call that choice Option A for the sake of simplicity. For about thirty seconds, silently pretend that you’ve decided to choose Option A. Notice how it feels in your body. For example, do you feel a sinking sensation in your stomach? Or a positive, energized feeling that’s more like butterflies in your stomach?
Toggle: Once you have explored how Option A feels, mentally toggle over to Option B and pretend for approximately thirty seconds that you’ve chosen this option. Notice how it feels emotionally, and notice if you have any bodyfelt reactions. For example, do you feel a warm, uplifted feeling in your chest or a sense of bristling and tightening in your chest?
Go with your gut: Compare how it felt to choose each option, and give yourself permission to choose the one that really felt best on an emotional and body-felt level. Many times, clients in my practice who are struggling with an important choice are surprised to see how much easier it is to choose when they allow themselves to see how they actually feel about the choices.
The Toggle Technique works best when you have analyzed a situation intellectually but you’re still not sure which one really feels best. It is not a replacement for doing a pros/cons list, talking choices over with trusted sources of support, or doing other research to help you understand your options. The unconscious mind and/or the body often feel things that our intellect can’t quite grasp. Your reactions to the toggle technique can help you to access the intuitive part of yourself. The Toggle Technique frees you from “analysis paralysis” and gets you in touch with the choice that is really right for you. Why not give it a try? It only takes a moment, it’s free, and it has worked for many clients in my practice: saying yes on the Toggle Technique is an easy choice to make!
Do you sometimes get stuck on decision making? While it’s great to have options, there is a hidden burden: the responsibility of actually making a choice! Whether you’re trying to choose between two jobs, two romances, or even two vacation destinations, it’s normal to realize that there are great qualities about both options– and this can make it hard to decide. As a clinical psychologist, I can assure you that thinking carefully make sense up to a certain point, but taking too long on any one particular decision can lead to fatigue, frustration, and poor decisions. Thank goodness there is an easy technique to help with decision making!
THE TOGGLE TECHNIQUE
The toggle technique is good for important decisions where you feel stuck between two options. You’ve done a pros/cons list, you’ve thought about both options carefully, and you’re still unsure. Sometimes we need to get beyond the intellect and into our “gut feeling” to make the best choice. Here’s how:
Get Centered: Find a quiet space and do a couple of deep breaths to warm up. Close your eyes to block out distractions.
Dive In: Imagine that you’ve totally committed to one of your choices– we’ll call that choice Option A for the sake of simplicity. For about thirty seconds, silently pretend that you’ve decided to choose Option A. Notice how it feels in your body. For example, do you feel a sinking sensation in your stomach? Or a positive, energized feeling that’s more like butterflies in your stomach?
Toggle: Once you have explored how Option A feels, mentally toggle over to Option B and pretend for approximately thirty seconds that you’ve chosen this option. Notice how it feels emotionally, and notice if you have any bodyfelt reactions. For example, do you feel a warm, uplifted feeling in your chest or a sense of bristling and tightening in your chest?
Go with your gut: Compare how it felt to choose each option, and give yourself permission to choose the one that really felt best on an emotional and body-felt level. Many times, clients in my practice who are struggling with an important choice are surprised to see how much easier it is to choose when they allow themselves to see how they actually feel about the choices.
The Toggle Technique works best when you have analyzed a situation intellectually but you’re still not sure which one really feels best. It is not a replacement for doing a pros/cons list, talking choices over with trusted sources of support, or doing other research to help you understand your options. The unconscious mind and/or the body often feel things that our intellect can’t quite grasp. Your reactions to the toggle technique can help you to access the intuitive part of yourself. The Toggle Technique frees you from “analysis paralysis” and gets you in touch with the choice that is really right for you. Why not give it a try? It only takes a moment, it’s free, and it has worked for many clients in my practice: saying yes on the Toggle Technique is an easy choice to make!
December 17, 2021
How to Drink Moderately
https://youtu.be/lm0LtD4pFVc
New York City is a city that loves to drink. We meet friends for happy hours, we eat at business dinners where a sommelier serves amazing wine, we go to trendy lounges that serve artisanal cocktails, we attend networking events with open bars, and many of us love a nice quiet drink with a delicious meal and a lively social scene seated at a restaurant bar. The beauty of it is that for many of us, all this drinking actually leads to great things: successful business dinners, mingling with new and interesting people, a sense of relaxation that happens effortlessly as alcohol immediately creates a mild euphoria that makes us open up, laugh more, and shuts off our incessant internal monologue. Alcohol has clear benefits for many of us, both personally and professionally. With all this drinking, we could probably benefit from some tips from mindfulness to enjoy moderate drinking even more!
The benefits of alcohol lead many of us drink so frequently that it can become habitual. There is nothing inherently wrong with drinking habitually, but many clients who come to my office indicate that they would prefer to be in control of their habit rather than feel as if the habit has taken on a life of its own. It is very important to note that this is different from alcoholism or addiction to alcohol. The distinction I’m making here is that with an addiction, we tend to think of drinking away our last dollar, drinking that leads to arrests or hospital visits, or other forms of drinking that clearly suggest our normal standards of safety and personal responsibility have been severely compromised due to a desire for alcohol; those types of relationships with alcohol are generally best classified and treated as addictions. I do not treat addictions to alcohol- my practice is limited to situations where a person’s alcohol use is perfectly safe and more habit-based than addiction-based; I work with clients who are not alcoholics but simply people who want to increase their sense of purpose and control around the way they drink. Here is how many people in my practice have done this successfully:
TIPS FROM MINDFULNESS MEDITATION FOR MODERATE DRINKING ENJOYMENT
Decide to build your awareness: Commit to observe your drinking without trying to change your habits, at least at first. Before we can really try to change something, it’s often helpful to just observe it. This helps us to set realistic goals, and to understand our drinking patterns and triggers more fully than we might if we paid attention to alcohol only a) to drink it, or b) to control it. The idea here is to pay attention and study your drinking from a neutral, information-gathering, curiosity-based mindset before you attempt any significant efforts to change it. Once you’ve made a commitment to observe your drinking, here’s one way to do it:
Define your observation field: Mindfulness meditation often involves choosing something to observe and then observing it for a set period of time. This builds our observation and awareness skills, and pre-defining the time period for observation frees us to delve into the observations without second guessing ourselves with questions like “Should I stop yet? Have I observed long enough? I wonder if I’m doing this right?”. We can apply this insight from mindfulness meditation to facilitate drinking observations in the following manner: For a predetermined amount of time (for example two weeks, two days, or whatever feels best for you), commit to observe your drinking in a neutral manner by noting down your drink counts. Your goal here is to tabulate your drinking without attempting to change it. This is actually more difficult than it sounds for many people, so be gentle with yourself if you struggle with this step. Remember: the more familiar you are with basic information about your drinking and the more capable you are of observing it, the easier it will be for you to make whatever changes you desire.
Document your observations: Try to complete the log below for each day, making one entry per day. If you forget or decline to make a same-day entry but still want to note the information later, put “No” in the “Same Day entry” column to indicate you are making a retroactive log. Don’t judge yourself if you forget or decline to make a same day entry; just document that it happened if you wish to do so by making a retroactive log. You don’t have to do retroactive entries if you don’t want to do so; you can simply resume your log with your current day and let your log reflect that there are some missing days. Or if you wish, you can make retroactive entries and simply indicate this with “No” per above. Part of the observation process includes observing your willingness or ability to indicate awareness of your drinking over a predetermined period of time. Many people find a two week period is a good length of time for an observation period, but you can choose whatever period of time feels best for you.
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR OBSERVATIONS:
At the end of your observation period, you’ll not only have logged observations of drink counts, you’ll also be observing your overall drinking observation skills and patterns. We call this “meta awareness” in psychology. It is a form of mindfulness. If you notice that you skipped a lot of days, you can become curious and try to understand why you’re skipping. Is it because you simply forgot and would benefit from a reminder in your calendar? Or maybe this means there is a part of you that doesn’t like the idea of observing drink counts? Or maybe there is some other reason you tend to skip. The idea is to replace any forms of judgement with curiosity so that this becomes an exercise in self-compassion and self-observation rather than self-flagellation. There are no “wrong” answers, only observations that help you get to know yourself better (caveat: as stated at the beginning, this is only true if you’re someone for whom alcohol does not lead to dangerous behavior- if alcohol is dangerous for you but you can’t quit, then please see an addiction specialist).
The goal is to sharpen your observation skills regarding drinking, so hopefully you will be able to enter more “C”s than “E”s in the last column documenting whether you’re estimating or counting your drinks for the day, but if you find that your log shows nearly all “E”s then welcome this as good information not only as an estimate of your drinks, but also as information about your current observation skills or style. Become curious about why you tend to estimate rather than count. If it’s because counting feels boring, remember that this is just an observation period that doesn’t have to last forever and that while the counting may not seem entertaining, it is in service of broader insights. If you think you may be estimating to avoiding actually counting because you feel ashamed or regretful about the count, try to be accurate anyway and congratulate yourself for increasing your awareness at all.
Remember to suspend judgement during the counting phase; be proud of yourself for being bold enough to note the real numbers or at least real estimates. If facing the real numbers is too daunting, that’s good information for you to know as well. The idea here is just to document your observations as well as your willingness and ability to make observations.
YOUR DRINKING “SWEET SPOT”
Once you have enough data, you can identify a “magic number” of your ideal number of drinks, or your “drinking sweet spot”. Your ideal number of drinks for our purposes here is the number of drinks that brings you the most pleasure. Many people find that the first 2-3 drinks bring a great deal of pleasure, while the fourth and fifth (or sixth or seventh) drinks seem like they will bring pleasure but actually bring hangovers or regret. If you’re reading this blog, chances are you’ve had some sort of experience with hangovers, oversharing, extra belly fat, or other features of drinking that you’d rather skip. The good news is that you can keep the pleasurable parts of drinking and nix the negatives by simply stopping at your “magic number”. Of course, this is easier said than done– if you leave it to your “buzzed self” to decide the magic number “in the moment”, it will be much harder to find the sweet spot than if you track some observations to locate your magic number in a more logical manner, and then do your buzzed self a favor by learning to stick with that number. Your buzzed self will actually have more fun and thank you later since it no longer has to do “on the spot thinking” about how much to drink. Many people find that through observation, they discover they frequently drink one or two drinks more than what is actually their true pleasure point. By reframing your drinking target as a “magic number” that is about your pleasure rather than as a “limit”, many people are able to embrace alcohol moderation as a friend rather than a foe.
CONCLUSION
Many people find that having a reference point of how much they wish to drink is very helpful since by definition if we “make it up as we go along” and just drink “however much feels right” then we almost always end up drinking more than we want over the years. This is because we develop a tolerance, and because once we’ve had a few drinks it becomes very difficult to gauge how much more we really want to drink versus how much we’re just operating in a buzzed “more is more” type of mindset that can trick us into drinking more alcohol than is optimally pleasurable– and the goal of drinking is actually pleasure, right? The first step to determining your magic number and then ultimately having drinking habits that support your magic number is to observe how much you’re drinking without judgement. I hope you will find the approach and worksheet above helpful. Bottoms up and cheers to you!
New York City is a city that loves to drink. We meet friends for happy hours, we eat at business dinners where a sommelier serves amazing wine, we go to trendy lounges that serve artisanal cocktails, we attend networking events with open bars, and many of us love a nice quiet drink with a delicious meal and a lively social scene seated at a restaurant bar. The beauty of it is that for many of us, all this drinking actually leads to great things: successful business dinners, mingling with new and interesting people, a sense of relaxation that happens effortlessly as alcohol immediately creates a mild euphoria that makes us open up, laugh more, and shuts off our incessant internal monologue. Alcohol has clear benefits for many of us, both personally and professionally. With all this drinking, we could probably benefit from some tips from mindfulness to enjoy moderate drinking even more!
The benefits of alcohol lead many of us drink so frequently that it can become habitual. There is nothing inherently wrong with drinking habitually, but many clients who come to my office indicate that they would prefer to be in control of their habit rather than feel as if the habit has taken on a life of its own. It is very important to note that this is different from alcoholism or addiction to alcohol. The distinction I’m making here is that with an addiction, we tend to think of drinking away our last dollar, drinking that leads to arrests or hospital visits, or other forms of drinking that clearly suggest our normal standards of safety and personal responsibility have been severely compromised due to a desire for alcohol; those types of relationships with alcohol are generally best classified and treated as addictions. I do not treat addictions to alcohol- my practice is limited to situations where a person’s alcohol use is perfectly safe and more habit-based than addiction-based; I work with clients who are not alcoholics but simply people who want to increase their sense of purpose and control around the way they drink. Here is how many people in my practice have done this successfully:
TIPS FROM MINDFULNESS MEDITATION FOR MODERATE DRINKING ENJOYMENT
Decide to build your awareness: Commit to observe your drinking without trying to change your habits, at least at first. Before we can really try to change something, it’s often helpful to just observe it. This helps us to set realistic goals, and to understand our drinking patterns and triggers more fully than we might if we paid attention to alcohol only a) to drink it, or b) to control it. The idea here is to pay attention and study your drinking from a neutral, information-gathering, curiosity-based mindset before you attempt any significant efforts to change it. Once you’ve made a commitment to observe your drinking, here’s one way to do it:
Define your observation field: Mindfulness meditation often involves choosing something to observe and then observing it for a set period of time. This builds our observation and awareness skills, and pre-defining the time period for observation frees us to delve into the observations without second guessing ourselves with questions like “Should I stop yet? Have I observed long enough? I wonder if I’m doing this right?”. We can apply this insight from mindfulness meditation to facilitate drinking observations in the following manner: For a predetermined amount of time (for example two weeks, two days, or whatever feels best for you), commit to observe your drinking in a neutral manner by noting down your drink counts. Your goal here is to tabulate your drinking without attempting to change it. This is actually more difficult than it sounds for many people, so be gentle with yourself if you struggle with this step. Remember: the more familiar you are with basic information about your drinking and the more capable you are of observing it, the easier it will be for you to make whatever changes you desire.
Document your observations: Try to complete the log below for each day, making one entry per day. If you forget or decline to make a same-day entry but still want to note the information later, put “No” in the “Same Day entry” column to indicate you are making a retroactive log. Don’t judge yourself if you forget or decline to make a same day entry; just document that it happened if you wish to do so by making a retroactive log. You don’t have to do retroactive entries if you don’t want to do so; you can simply resume your log with your current day and let your log reflect that there are some missing days. Or if you wish, you can make retroactive entries and simply indicate this with “No” per above. Part of the observation process includes observing your willingness or ability to indicate awareness of your drinking over a predetermined period of time. Many people find a two week period is a good length of time for an observation period, but you can choose whatever period of time feels best for you.
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR OBSERVATIONS:
At the end of your observation period, you’ll not only have logged observations of drink counts, you’ll also be observing your overall drinking observation skills and patterns. We call this “meta awareness” in psychology. It is a form of mindfulness. If you notice that you skipped a lot of days, you can become curious and try to understand why you’re skipping. Is it because you simply forgot and would benefit from a reminder in your calendar? Or maybe this means there is a part of you that doesn’t like the idea of observing drink counts? Or maybe there is some other reason you tend to skip. The idea is to replace any forms of judgement with curiosity so that this becomes an exercise in self-compassion and self-observation rather than self-flagellation. There are no “wrong” answers, only observations that help you get to know yourself better (caveat: as stated at the beginning, this is only true if you’re someone for whom alcohol does not lead to dangerous behavior- if alcohol is dangerous for you but you can’t quit, then please see an addiction specialist).
The goal is to sharpen your observation skills regarding drinking, so hopefully you will be able to enter more “C”s than “E”s in the last column documenting whether you’re estimating or counting your drinks for the day, but if you find that your log shows nearly all “E”s then welcome this as good information not only as an estimate of your drinks, but also as information about your current observation skills or style. Become curious about why you tend to estimate rather than count. If it’s because counting feels boring, remember that this is just an observation period that doesn’t have to last forever and that while the counting may not seem entertaining, it is in service of broader insights. If you think you may be estimating to avoiding actually counting because you feel ashamed or regretful about the count, try to be accurate anyway and congratulate yourself for increasing your awareness at all.
Remember to suspend judgement during the counting phase; be proud of yourself for being bold enough to note the real numbers or at least real estimates. If facing the real numbers is too daunting, that’s good information for you to know as well. The idea here is just to document your observations as well as your willingness and ability to make observations.
YOUR DRINKING “SWEET SPOT”
Once you have enough data, you can identify a “magic number” of your ideal number of drinks, or your “drinking sweet spot”. Your ideal number of drinks for our purposes here is the number of drinks that brings you the most pleasure. Many people find that the first 2-3 drinks bring a great deal of pleasure, while the fourth and fifth (or sixth or seventh) drinks seem like they will bring pleasure but actually bring hangovers or regret. If you’re reading this blog, chances are you’ve had some sort of experience with hangovers, oversharing, extra belly fat, or other features of drinking that you’d rather skip. The good news is that you can keep the pleasurable parts of drinking and nix the negatives by simply stopping at your “magic number”. Of course, this is easier said than done– if you leave it to your “buzzed self” to decide the magic number “in the moment”, it will be much harder to find the sweet spot than if you track some observations to locate your magic number in a more logical manner, and then do your buzzed self a favor by learning to stick with that number. Your buzzed self will actually have more fun and thank you later since it no longer has to do “on the spot thinking” about how much to drink. Many people find that through observation, they discover they frequently drink one or two drinks more than what is actually their true pleasure point. By reframing your drinking target as a “magic number” that is about your pleasure rather than as a “limit”, many people are able to embrace alcohol moderation as a friend rather than a foe.
CONCLUSION
Many people find that having a reference point of how much they wish to drink is very helpful since by definition if we “make it up as we go along” and just drink “however much feels right” then we almost always end up drinking more than we want over the years. This is because we develop a tolerance, and because once we’ve had a few drinks it becomes very difficult to gauge how much more we really want to drink versus how much we’re just operating in a buzzed “more is more” type of mindset that can trick us into drinking more alcohol than is optimally pleasurable– and the goal of drinking is actually pleasure, right? The first step to determining your magic number and then ultimately having drinking habits that support your magic number is to observe how much you’re drinking without judgement. I hope you will find the approach and worksheet above helpful. Bottoms up and cheers to you!
