Rachel Manija Brown's Blog, page 86
September 25, 2020
Morning Glories of the Day
Today's glories.
I woke up one morning and not only had they burst into bloom, but they'd twined and budded so enthusiastically that some of them were squashing each other. Check out all the buds!
comments
I woke up one morning and not only had they burst into bloom, but they'd twined and budded so enthusiastically that some of them were squashing each other. Check out all the buds!
comments
September 22, 2020
King of Exchanges
King of Exchanges, the Stephen King fic exchange, is open for reading!
We have 13 stories in 11 fandoms, and everything I've read so far is GREAT. I'm not doing specific recs till after reveals, as the collection is so small and the stories are so good that it would de-anon me - I'd end up reccing everything I didn't write in the fandoms I know.
Seriously, if you have any interest in any of the fandoms represented, you need to check out this collection.
comments
We have 13 stories in 11 fandoms, and everything I've read so far is GREAT. I'm not doing specific recs till after reveals, as the collection is so small and the stories are so good that it would de-anon me - I'd end up reccing everything I didn't write in the fandoms I know.
Seriously, if you have any interest in any of the fandoms represented, you need to check out this collection.
comments
September 19, 2020
A Rosh Hashanah story
It feels horribly absurd to say, "Have a sweet new year" right now, when everything is the opposite of sweet. I have a story about the last time I felt that way.
After spending two years getting sicker and sicker and losing more and more weight, while utterly failing to convince any doctors that I had a problem that was not psychosomatic, anxiety, hypochondria, or anorexia, I made a Hail Mary and flew to Bulgaria to get some tests done that doctors wouldn't do here, because they thought the problem was my head and I thought it was somewhere in my abdomen.
![[personal profile]](https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1491408111i/22407843.png)
eglantiere
had offered to put me up for a couple weeks while I got the tests done. But once I got there, things got complicated, and I ended up staying in her bedroom for three months. Possibly the single lowest point of my entire life was waking up after surgery and being informed that Leonard Cohen had died, my cat had died, Trump was now President, and the surgeon showing me an abnormal growth he'd removed, then saying, "But I don't think it could have caused all your symptoms, so clearly it's all in your head. You should see a psychiatrist."
In the middle of all this, Rosh Hashanah happened. I honestly don't think I'd have even remembered it, let alone cared, but I got sat down in the kitchen and fed apples and honey. I weighed eighty pounds - I'd lost a third of my starting body weight by then, enough to make doctors stop telling me I wasn't actually underweight and start accusing me of having an eating disorder I was refusing to cop to. I ate a slice or two thinking how utterly, horribly absurd it was to say, "L'shanah Tovah" - "Have a sweet year" when I was absolutely not going to have a sweet year, ever again.
What happened in the next year is a long, complicated story. But, more or less as a result of the data from the Bulgaria trip,
mildred_of_midgard
got an idea for a medication I might try, one for inflammatory bowel disease - which is what the Bulgarian scans suggested I had, even though the doctors later said that actually, they showed I had a head problem.
And it worked.
And it's still working.
The doctors still mostly believe I'm delusional and the fact that an IBD medication makes my symptoms vanish is proof of the placebo effect. I now avoid doctors as much as possible, and in my case I think that's the better of two evils.
So I did have a sweet new year after all, or at least a year with sweet parts, which was something I hadn't had for two years. And the next year was sweeter still. And I went back to Bulgaria, sixty pounds heavier and a thousand pounds of misery lighter, and stayed with
eglantiere
and swam and explored and ate and had a wonderful time. It was very, very sweet.
Even this year, which has been objectively horrible in every way, has had a lot of sweet parts for me personally. When your point of comparison is "the years that I was dying in agony and kept getting abused by authority figures who had the power to help me but refused to because they thought I was an obnoxious lunatic," a lot of objectively bad things look good in comparison.
I did Passover over Zoom and it was depressing. Jewish holidays shouldn't be celebrated alone. But I've formed a bubble with Halle, so I'm going to her place to eat and drink (heavily, for me anyway) and celebrate and watch the Emmys and wish each other a sweet new year.
I've been thinking of my horrible Rosh Hashanah in Bulgaria all day, because it was so bitter at the time and even imagining anything getting better felt like a cruel lie. It feels the same way today, though then the stakes were very small and personal (one life, my own) and now they're very big and communal (one nation, maybe one world).
I don't know what's going to happen, but because of those sad apples a few years ago, I now know: I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe there will be surprising sweetness to come. It's no less impossible than me surviving and being happy again.
L'Shanah Tovah! May you have a sweet New Year.
comments
After spending two years getting sicker and sicker and losing more and more weight, while utterly failing to convince any doctors that I had a problem that was not psychosomatic, anxiety, hypochondria, or anorexia, I made a Hail Mary and flew to Bulgaria to get some tests done that doctors wouldn't do here, because they thought the problem was my head and I thought it was somewhere in my abdomen.
eglantiere
had offered to put me up for a couple weeks while I got the tests done. But once I got there, things got complicated, and I ended up staying in her bedroom for three months. Possibly the single lowest point of my entire life was waking up after surgery and being informed that Leonard Cohen had died, my cat had died, Trump was now President, and the surgeon showing me an abnormal growth he'd removed, then saying, "But I don't think it could have caused all your symptoms, so clearly it's all in your head. You should see a psychiatrist."In the middle of all this, Rosh Hashanah happened. I honestly don't think I'd have even remembered it, let alone cared, but I got sat down in the kitchen and fed apples and honey. I weighed eighty pounds - I'd lost a third of my starting body weight by then, enough to make doctors stop telling me I wasn't actually underweight and start accusing me of having an eating disorder I was refusing to cop to. I ate a slice or two thinking how utterly, horribly absurd it was to say, "L'shanah Tovah" - "Have a sweet year" when I was absolutely not going to have a sweet year, ever again.
What happened in the next year is a long, complicated story. But, more or less as a result of the data from the Bulgaria trip,
mildred_of_midgard
got an idea for a medication I might try, one for inflammatory bowel disease - which is what the Bulgarian scans suggested I had, even though the doctors later said that actually, they showed I had a head problem. And it worked.
And it's still working.
The doctors still mostly believe I'm delusional and the fact that an IBD medication makes my symptoms vanish is proof of the placebo effect. I now avoid doctors as much as possible, and in my case I think that's the better of two evils.
So I did have a sweet new year after all, or at least a year with sweet parts, which was something I hadn't had for two years. And the next year was sweeter still. And I went back to Bulgaria, sixty pounds heavier and a thousand pounds of misery lighter, and stayed with
eglantiere
and swam and explored and ate and had a wonderful time. It was very, very sweet.Even this year, which has been objectively horrible in every way, has had a lot of sweet parts for me personally. When your point of comparison is "the years that I was dying in agony and kept getting abused by authority figures who had the power to help me but refused to because they thought I was an obnoxious lunatic," a lot of objectively bad things look good in comparison.
I did Passover over Zoom and it was depressing. Jewish holidays shouldn't be celebrated alone. But I've formed a bubble with Halle, so I'm going to her place to eat and drink (heavily, for me anyway) and celebrate and watch the Emmys and wish each other a sweet new year.
I've been thinking of my horrible Rosh Hashanah in Bulgaria all day, because it was so bitter at the time and even imagining anything getting better felt like a cruel lie. It feels the same way today, though then the stakes were very small and personal (one life, my own) and now they're very big and communal (one nation, maybe one world).
I don't know what's going to happen, but because of those sad apples a few years ago, I now know: I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe there will be surprising sweetness to come. It's no less impossible than me surviving and being happy again.
L'Shanah Tovah! May you have a sweet New Year.
comments
Comfort Prompt Fest
Comfort Prompt fest.
sholio
is hosting a comfort-based prompt fest, for fanfic or original fiction. You don't need to promise to write to leave a prompt.
comments
sholio
is hosting a comfort-based prompt fest, for fanfic or original fiction. You don't need to promise to write to leave a prompt. comments
September 15, 2020
Glory, glory
This week's morning glories. The blue glories haven't been seen in a while, but I now have deep pink and dark purple on the wood fence.
comments
comments
September 14, 2020
Imagery Rehearsal Therapy for Nightmares
I am reposting a slightly revised post I wrote a while back on how to prevent nightmares. I've been having a lot of Covid-related nightmares recently, so I did it on myself and it worked very well. I also use it with clients who have trauma-related nightmares.
One of the most interesting things I've learned from doing trauma therapy is that some of the most painful symptoms have surprisingly simple fixes. For instance, nightmares.
Like a whole lot of psychological problems, it's hard to understand exactly how horrible trauma-related nightmares are if you've never had one, or never had many of them. It's not just the factual content of the nightmare, it's the emotional content-- terror, horror, helplessness, despair. And it's not just the emotional content, it's that unlike in real life, when you can do various things to calm yourself down or put a little distance between yourself and your feelings, in a nightmare, there is no distance, no perspective, and no control. You're not just re-living the worst moment of your life (or something that feels like it), you're re-living it without any of whatever you used to protect yourself emotionally when it was really happening.
And while all that horrible stuff is going on in your head while you're asleep, your body reacts to some degree or another as if it's really happening. Even if you don't thrash around or make a sound, you're liable to sweat, have tense muscles, grit your teeth, etc. So when you wake up, your jaw hurts, your head aches, your whole body aches, you're more exhausted than you were when you fell asleep, you're anxious and depressed, maybe you're sick to your stomach, etc.
And all of that is what you have to look forward to when you think of going to sleep. Even if you don't have nightmares every night, you might have one any given night. That, of course, does not generate the kind of relaxation necessary to fall asleep.
People who have trauma-related nightmares often stay up for nights on end, can't sleep even if they want to, drink, do drugs, and are chronically sleep-deprived-- which makes you depressed, exhausted, anxious, and often gives you physical health problems.
Nightmares: really bad news!
What I like to do with my clients in their very first session is find out one upsetting symptom that I can help them with immediately. The idea is that they'll get some relief right away, which will both be nice for them and also prove to them that therapy can help.
People need hope. I can believe in hope for them when they don't believe it yet. But it's better if they can change something right away. Luckily, there are several extremely upsetting and painful symptoms which can often be improved quickly and easily. I usually do grounding in the first session, as that has immediate results that they can observe within that session. But I always ask about nightmares, because I can get them started on imagery rehearsal therapy right away.
I didn't learn this in school or at the traineeship. I looked up specific treatments for nightmares, and I found one that had been tested in veterans and showed good results. I figured if it worked for vets, it would probably work for rape/abuse survivors. I modified it a bit, as it was designed to be used in a group and I only see individuals. But the group aspect doesn't seem essential or even important.
A lot of my clients have found it to be very helpful. It's very simple and non-stressful, unlike a lot of stuff I do, and my clients tend to enjoy it.
There are two ways to do this technique. The first is to modify an existing nightmare. The second is to create a new dream.
1. Modifying a nightmare.
If there are specific recurring nightmares, pick one that's medium-bad (not the worst one!) and write it down, narrate it, or imagine it in vivid detail, first-person present tense: "I'm walking in an alley..."
Pick a way to change the nightmare to something you'd like to dream about. Starting at the point where you'd like the dream to change, start writing about the change. For instance, maybe you defeat the bad guys instead of them killing you. Maybe they turn into a bunch of pumpkins. Maybe as they get closer, you see that they're actually your friends.
2. Creating a new dream
Create a completely new dream with nothing to do with the nightmare. The new dream should be something nice that you'd enjoy dreaming about.
(I have yet to have anyone try to change a nightmare. So far my clients have all chosen to script a new dream. So the "write out existing nightmare" step is skipped.)
Creating the new dream
This part is the same, regardless of whether it's a new dream or an altered dream.
Write down, narrate, or imagine the new dream or changed dream in vivid detail. Use all your senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, maybe taste.
I have my clients do this in session. I have them describe it aloud rather than write it out. They can write it out later if they want. The writing part doesn't seem necessary.
Spend three minutes twice a day imagining the new dream or changed dream. Close your eyes and try to feel like you're really dreaming it. Make it feel "dream-like." Do not do this right before you fall asleep, or at least don't only do it right before you fall asleep. Do it when you're fully awake.
DO NOT practice the nightmare! Only practice the changed or new dream.
My clients haven't usually dreamed the new dream. But their nightmares have gotten much less frequent or gone away when they've done this consistently. It usually takes a week or two of consistent, daily practice to start seeing results.
I really enjoy hearing my clients' new dreams. "Beach vacation" is a popular favorite. I ask for lots of details on the new dream, to really fix it in their minds.
Ideally, I time this so we close the session with the new dream. Clients often find this a very enjoyable experience, so they leave on a high note.
comments
One of the most interesting things I've learned from doing trauma therapy is that some of the most painful symptoms have surprisingly simple fixes. For instance, nightmares.
Like a whole lot of psychological problems, it's hard to understand exactly how horrible trauma-related nightmares are if you've never had one, or never had many of them. It's not just the factual content of the nightmare, it's the emotional content-- terror, horror, helplessness, despair. And it's not just the emotional content, it's that unlike in real life, when you can do various things to calm yourself down or put a little distance between yourself and your feelings, in a nightmare, there is no distance, no perspective, and no control. You're not just re-living the worst moment of your life (or something that feels like it), you're re-living it without any of whatever you used to protect yourself emotionally when it was really happening.
And while all that horrible stuff is going on in your head while you're asleep, your body reacts to some degree or another as if it's really happening. Even if you don't thrash around or make a sound, you're liable to sweat, have tense muscles, grit your teeth, etc. So when you wake up, your jaw hurts, your head aches, your whole body aches, you're more exhausted than you were when you fell asleep, you're anxious and depressed, maybe you're sick to your stomach, etc.
And all of that is what you have to look forward to when you think of going to sleep. Even if you don't have nightmares every night, you might have one any given night. That, of course, does not generate the kind of relaxation necessary to fall asleep.
People who have trauma-related nightmares often stay up for nights on end, can't sleep even if they want to, drink, do drugs, and are chronically sleep-deprived-- which makes you depressed, exhausted, anxious, and often gives you physical health problems.
Nightmares: really bad news!
What I like to do with my clients in their very first session is find out one upsetting symptom that I can help them with immediately. The idea is that they'll get some relief right away, which will both be nice for them and also prove to them that therapy can help.
People need hope. I can believe in hope for them when they don't believe it yet. But it's better if they can change something right away. Luckily, there are several extremely upsetting and painful symptoms which can often be improved quickly and easily. I usually do grounding in the first session, as that has immediate results that they can observe within that session. But I always ask about nightmares, because I can get them started on imagery rehearsal therapy right away.
I didn't learn this in school or at the traineeship. I looked up specific treatments for nightmares, and I found one that had been tested in veterans and showed good results. I figured if it worked for vets, it would probably work for rape/abuse survivors. I modified it a bit, as it was designed to be used in a group and I only see individuals. But the group aspect doesn't seem essential or even important.
A lot of my clients have found it to be very helpful. It's very simple and non-stressful, unlike a lot of stuff I do, and my clients tend to enjoy it.
There are two ways to do this technique. The first is to modify an existing nightmare. The second is to create a new dream.
1. Modifying a nightmare.
If there are specific recurring nightmares, pick one that's medium-bad (not the worst one!) and write it down, narrate it, or imagine it in vivid detail, first-person present tense: "I'm walking in an alley..."
Pick a way to change the nightmare to something you'd like to dream about. Starting at the point where you'd like the dream to change, start writing about the change. For instance, maybe you defeat the bad guys instead of them killing you. Maybe they turn into a bunch of pumpkins. Maybe as they get closer, you see that they're actually your friends.
2. Creating a new dream
Create a completely new dream with nothing to do with the nightmare. The new dream should be something nice that you'd enjoy dreaming about.
(I have yet to have anyone try to change a nightmare. So far my clients have all chosen to script a new dream. So the "write out existing nightmare" step is skipped.)
Creating the new dream
This part is the same, regardless of whether it's a new dream or an altered dream.
Write down, narrate, or imagine the new dream or changed dream in vivid detail. Use all your senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, maybe taste.
I have my clients do this in session. I have them describe it aloud rather than write it out. They can write it out later if they want. The writing part doesn't seem necessary.
Spend three minutes twice a day imagining the new dream or changed dream. Close your eyes and try to feel like you're really dreaming it. Make it feel "dream-like." Do not do this right before you fall asleep, or at least don't only do it right before you fall asleep. Do it when you're fully awake.
DO NOT practice the nightmare! Only practice the changed or new dream.
My clients haven't usually dreamed the new dream. But their nightmares have gotten much less frequent or gone away when they've done this consistently. It usually takes a week or two of consistent, daily practice to start seeing results.
I really enjoy hearing my clients' new dreams. "Beach vacation" is a popular favorite. I ask for lots of details on the new dream, to really fix it in their minds.
Ideally, I time this so we close the session with the new dream. Clients often find this a very enjoyable experience, so they leave on a high note.
comments
September 12, 2020
Trick or Treat Letter
I have asked for both tricks and treats for all of these as I don't draw sharp lines between them. Any tone is fine.
I've requested just fic, but would be delighted with art treats.
My AO3 name is Edonohana.
NOTE: The request for Us has massive spoilers - do not click if you don't want to be spoiled!
( General DNW )
( Marvel 616 (X-Men, New Mutants, and Excalibur comics) )
( Salem's Lot - Stephen King )
( True Detective )
( Us (movie 2019) )
comments
I've requested just fic, but would be delighted with art treats.
My AO3 name is Edonohana.
NOTE: The request for Us has massive spoilers - do not click if you don't want to be spoiled!
( General DNW )
( Marvel 616 (X-Men, New Mutants, and Excalibur comics) )
( Salem's Lot - Stephen King )
( True Detective )
( Us (movie 2019) )
comments
September 11, 2020
I feel pretty
Yesterday I taped a surgical mask to my face with surgical tape, put a cloth one over that, and got my hair done by Tea Cup Mermaid (also in a mask). I thought having the cut would be worth it but getting it would not be fun due to anxiety, but actually it was fun despite my periodic thought that I would feel really stupid if I got Covid because of a haircut. In fact, it was really wonderful to get to hang out with Tea and Ryan (the other stylist) and Stella, the other client, who was getting her hair colored for the very first time.
Oh so pretty. (Multiple pics, click through.)
As is normal with hair by Tea, it's even better in RL than in photos. The underlayers are dark blue/purple, so it gives the effect of fire at night. The main colors she used are Pulp Riot Nightfall, Nuclear, and Satire - very appropriate for a cut done during a pandemic, with smoke making the day look like it was after sunset.
It will definitely be good for my mental health, though. And if I don't enter a salon for another year, which is looking highly likely, this one will be easier to maintain myself due to the color scheme incorporating darker roots.
comments
Oh so pretty. (Multiple pics, click through.)
As is normal with hair by Tea, it's even better in RL than in photos. The underlayers are dark blue/purple, so it gives the effect of fire at night. The main colors she used are Pulp Riot Nightfall, Nuclear, and Satire - very appropriate for a cut done during a pandemic, with smoke making the day look like it was after sunset.
It will definitely be good for my mental health, though. And if I don't enter a salon for another year, which is looking highly likely, this one will be easier to maintain myself due to the color scheme incorporating darker roots.
comments
September 9, 2020
A Year of Gardening
It was just about a year ago today that I first started gardening.
You can see my visual progress on my Instagram.
I have transformed the area around my apartment, with pots all over the place, plus vines growing up a rotted and abandoned fence. I regularly eat strawberries for breakfast.
It's been a marvelous obsession, and incredibly perfect timing for a pandemic. It's been really good for me to have to go outside every day and do stuff. And also to have an absorbing project whose progress I can see every day. I can only imagine how much more I'd be losing my mind without it.
Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who contributed to that post and others!
I now have a more knowledgeable and detailed version of the question I asked last September: What should I be planting now?
Location: I'm in Los Angeles, CA: zone 9-10.
What I don't have: I do NOT have a yard that I can garden in. I know it looks like I do in some of the photos, but it's the property of my landlord and shared with other tenants, and I am not allowed to use most of it. The parts that I am allowed to use are pretty crummy and I have not had great luck growing on them. The soil is terrible--very thick, heavy clay-- and I have to lay down topsoil to get anything to grow. Then it gets eaten by bugs.
Indoor space. I can't grow anything indoors. My cats will destroy it.
What I do have: A bunch of pots/containers, with varying degrees of sun and shade ranging from full sun to morning sun only.
What I don't want to grow: Cilantro, zucchini, summer squash, eggplant. I love leafy green vegetables but I have had utterly terrible luck with them, over multiple tries. I've also had bad luck with tomatoes, peppers, and basil - they have consistently dropped dead or failed to thrive. Succulents - I have some but they're not doing great and they don't really interest me.
What I do want to grow: VINES. I love vines. Edible, ornamental, anything. I've been having tons of fun and success with morning glories, scarlet runner beans, and cucamelons.
Anything edible. Vines excepted, I prefer edible to purely ornamental. Both would be ideal.
So tell me: what should I plant now?
comments
You can see my visual progress on my Instagram.
I have transformed the area around my apartment, with pots all over the place, plus vines growing up a rotted and abandoned fence. I regularly eat strawberries for breakfast.
It's been a marvelous obsession, and incredibly perfect timing for a pandemic. It's been really good for me to have to go outside every day and do stuff. And also to have an absorbing project whose progress I can see every day. I can only imagine how much more I'd be losing my mind without it.
Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who contributed to that post and others!
I now have a more knowledgeable and detailed version of the question I asked last September: What should I be planting now?
Location: I'm in Los Angeles, CA: zone 9-10.
What I don't have: I do NOT have a yard that I can garden in. I know it looks like I do in some of the photos, but it's the property of my landlord and shared with other tenants, and I am not allowed to use most of it. The parts that I am allowed to use are pretty crummy and I have not had great luck growing on them. The soil is terrible--very thick, heavy clay-- and I have to lay down topsoil to get anything to grow. Then it gets eaten by bugs.
Indoor space. I can't grow anything indoors. My cats will destroy it.
What I do have: A bunch of pots/containers, with varying degrees of sun and shade ranging from full sun to morning sun only.
What I don't want to grow: Cilantro, zucchini, summer squash, eggplant. I love leafy green vegetables but I have had utterly terrible luck with them, over multiple tries. I've also had bad luck with tomatoes, peppers, and basil - they have consistently dropped dead or failed to thrive. Succulents - I have some but they're not doing great and they don't really interest me.
What I do want to grow: VINES. I love vines. Edible, ornamental, anything. I've been having tons of fun and success with morning glories, scarlet runner beans, and cucamelons.
Anything edible. Vines excepted, I prefer edible to purely ornamental. Both would be ideal.
So tell me: what should I plant now?
comments
August 30, 2020
Coronavirus discussion post
Coronavirus open discussion post. Usual rules (no racism, no conspiracy theories) apply.
All coronavirus discussion and interesting links welcome! How are things going where you are?
comments
All coronavirus discussion and interesting links welcome! How are things going where you are?
comments
