Jessica Wildfire's Blog, page 463

You’re absolutely right.

You’re absolutely right. The main problem is that lots of people insist they’re not shitty, or that their behavior is somehow justified. Tough cycle to break!

Another Morning Routine Blog

Your morning routine defines you. That’s why I don’t wake up until about 10 am most days. Other people start with meditation and yoga. Me? The first thing I do is check my bed for men. If I find one, I kick him out. No breakfast. What? I’m not running a charity here. He can grab a bagel from the cafe downstairs if he’s that hungry.

The second thing I do is pee, for a really long time, because I drank a lot of alcohol before passing out the night before. A long pee makes everything else possible. I simply can’t think straight on a full bladder.

The third thing is my pregnancy test, just to be sure, followed by a birth control pill. If I’m pregnant, I schedule an abortion. If not, I hop on Tinder and make my evening plans. The early bird catches the most worms.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Once the fling’s gone, I always drink the rest of last afternoon’s stale coffee while subtweeting Donald Trump and Scott Baio. I’m usually out of milk, so I just stuff handfuls of dry Lucky Charms in my face for about ten minutes. If I’m hungover, I crush up a couple of Advil and snort the powder through a McDonald’s straw. That way the pain relief literally goes straight to my brain.

After that, I comb my hands through my bed hair and pull out fuzzies. My hair’s like a bird’s nest. Sometimes, I find Oreo crumbs in there. One morning, I also found a condom wrapper.

Once my heart gets pumping, I spend a long time looking at myself in the mirror and deciding which celebrity I look more like. Jaime Alexander, or Jenna Tatum? Depends on the angle.

Everyone should start the day with an Amazon shopping spree. I spend about 30 minutes every morning looking at shirts, dresses, and vibrators. The most successful people I know have Prime accounts.

Netflix plays a crucial part in my morning rituals. I arrange my queue and spend 10 or 15 minutes picking a new comedy show to watch while posting sarcastic life observations on discussion boards. Sometimes I alternate with harsh YouTube comments on videos I didn’t like. Work starts around this time, with me sending a mass email to my students reminding them to address me as “Professor” or “Dr.” and not “Mrs.” I hate that shit.

The next thing I do is check my social media stats. If they’re low, I lurch out of bed and put on some makeup and take selfies to post. (Makeup takes me anywhere from five to thirty minutes.) Then I send a nude to one of my fuck buddies, before updating my feminist vlog. The last thing I do is try on a bunch of clothes and throw them on the floor. If it’s a weekday, I feel guilty about not making my bed. Once all that’s done, I’m ready to face the day.

Professors Plot Evil

Obviously, all professors want to ruin America. Everything you’ve heard about us is true. In fact, we’re even worse. You don’t know just…

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Where did this talk about safe spaces come from?

Where did this talk about safe spaces come from? You brought that out of nowhere. How do you even know what I think about that? This is clear proof that you yourself hold a helluva lot of biases, and are willing to make assumptions and snap judgments.

There was another mass shooting yesterday. Enjoy your gun, and all of your hatred toward people who disagree with you.

Translations of Desire

Dating profiles have a secret code language. Wouldn’t it be nice if you knew what they really meant?

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Weapon X, I like that.

Weapon X, I like that. :D I feel like Weapon X is what the shadow boss activates right before taking out the official boss.

Glad you enjoyed!

Glad you enjoyed!

Things You’ll Miss About Being Single

Welcome to your first stable relationship. Maybe you’re married. I’m sorry. You’ll never be able to jerk off at 11 am on a Saturday ever…

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I’m not saying guns are evil.

I’m not saying guns are evil. If you feel safer with a gun, and it helps you protect your family, then that’s fine. I have no problem with that.

But you will never convince me that allowing guns into schools and college campuses will make them safer. These are entirely different places that call for different means of ensuring safety.

There is simply no need for someone to bring a gun into a classroom or a library. We already have security in these places. We are safe here.

Let me tell *you* a story: Last year, one of our graduate students had a complete mental break and started stalking women in our department, hanging outside our offices, and posting threatening messages on social media. He owned several guns, and started making vague threats about using them on people. We made several complaints about him, but our hands were tied until finally he was expelled for bringing a gun to campus. Without that, he could’ve continued to terrorize us until something horrible happened. Even for weeks after that, he continued to make threats against people on campus, and even challenged the police to a shoot-out.

Would you be willing to confront someone like that, even with a gun? Do you think some display of machismo would make him back off, or simply trigger him?

Here’s what you don’t understand: gun laws routinely work in favor of deranged individuals. I have deep and frequent experience with students and adults who have little control over their impulses, but would likely pass a background check. Campus gun laws protect me from these people better than someone like you ever could.

You say we’ll never know how many times a gun owner fends off an attacker. That’s probably true. However, we’ll also never know for sure how many times gun control and proper security thwarted a possible mass shooter.

I’ve answered your question twice, just not the way you want.

I’ve answered your question twice, just not the way you want. Your friend could’ve used a nonlethal weapon to defend herself. She’s lucky that the attacker didn’t use the gun on her. Your problem is that you insist that a gun is the only way to defend yourself. It’s not.

The Gun Violence Archive does record defensive use of guns that don’t result in fatalities or injuries: http://www.gunviolencearchive.org/reports/defensive-use

Look at it if you want, or keep calling it leftist propaganda like a child. Your choice.

The CDC report you reference didn’t conclude anything. It said there’s no reliable data on gun violence, discussed a wide range of different studies, and articulated a need for more research. Gun rights groups cite the 3 million figure completely out of context. In fact, the Gun Violence Archive was founded in a direct response to the inconclusiveness of the CDC report.

You accuse me of using fake facts, but you yourself completely misinterpret studies to suit your own biases. I think we’re done here. You’re a lost cause, no longer worth my time.