Jessica Wildfire's Blog, page 456

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Everyday Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment happens all the time, but it’s not always that exciting or newsworthy. Let’s say an editor leans over his desk while I’m walking off and says, “I just love it when you wear pants, Jessica.” Or let’s say I overhear a search committee start to talk about me after an interview. On the other side of the door, I overhear a full professor say, “I’ve got to confess, that one was smoking hot. What was her name?”

Or let’s say I’m working at a restaurant, and the manager calls a meeting to tell all the wait staff to wear tighter shirts. Some of the girls roll their eyes, and he shames them. “Look, this is the world we live in,” he almost yells. “If you want tips, then I suggest a size small.” He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. The trick is tight pants, not a tight shirt. In case you’re wondering, the restaurant wasn’t Hooters.

The media likes to pile attention onto extreme cases of sexual harassment, situations where a powerful man has abused women for years or decades. We join in, tweeting out our frustration because we feel injustice in our own lives every single day.

Some men complain that they don’t know what’s safe anymore. Gimme a break. We’re adults. We should know how to set boundaries. I’m probably looser with sex jokes and flirting than most people, but I try to make it pretty clear where the boundaries lie.

Most women aren’t waiting with bated breath for the chance to report someone for harassment. Look at the training guides and awkward videos. Mostly, a woman will tell you when you’ve fucked up. You’ll have a chance to back off first. A report’s usually the last resort, when someone crosses the line over and over again.

So men don’t need to live in fear. Just listen and show respect. Not every woman has the same sexuality or level of tolerance. To be extra safe, just avoid that talk in the office, especially around people you don’t know that well. It really boils down to politeness.

Men like Weinstein? Yeah, these ass holes deserve punishment. They should lose their jobs, their spouses, their credibility, and their public standing. But I’ve been watching the allegations and coverage unfold, and I keep scratching my head. I just don’t feel the outrage and anger at this one particular man that others do. Obviously, the wo men he harassed have every right to tear his world apart. But the media storm seems less interested in justice, more interested in ratings. Why? Because like many people, I see sexual harassment go unchecked all the time. Look at other political parties. In some places, it’s practically required there.

Obviously, I run the risk of hypocrisy by writing this post. Should I just keep quiet and say nothing? By dipping in, maybe I’m making things worse.

But I think we need to fix the way we talk about sexual harassment. The extreme cases deserve attention, but so does everyday shit. I think Harvey Weinstein should lose everything. There’s no apology that will ever undo the damage he’s caused. But I don’t feel an urge to kick him, or personally condemn him. Because that gives him too much power. To me, Weinstein is one more ass wipe who’s getting what he deserves.

We’re really just getting started with sexual harassment. Burning one man alive might make us feel better. Will it set an example for others? I’m not sure. We’ll have to see. On the downside, I suspect lots of men have used the extreme cases to justify their mundane, casual forms of harassment. “Hey, at least I’m not that guy.”

Casual harassment does just as much damage. We had one professor who made inappropriate comments all the time. If you wore makeup, or didn’t, he would comment on your face. He would give you compliments if he liked your outfit. If he didn’t, he’d still say something. One time, he entered the classroom and stood over one of his students for a good 10 seconds, licking his chops over her legs because she’d come to class in yoga pants. Say whatever you want about her dressing choices, but that’s just creepy.

I’ve heard a hundred different stories about harassment in higher education. You’d think liberal professors would know how to behave. Some of them don’t. It’s not uncommon at all for professors to ask their graduate students on dates, make sexual advances, invite them to parties and douse them with alcohol. One professor even tried to rename his favorite female student “Kitten,” because she meowed when she yawned once.

Sometimes, you could even catch professors leering at students on campus. There’s few things worse then seeing a professor you admire engaged in that kind of behavior. My first year in graduate school, I overheard some TAs talking about one of my favorite professors over coffee. They told me he was sending out his online dating profile to students he considered attractive. He never sent one to me. Was I supposed to be glad or disappointed? I was so confused.

Here’s the unsettling truth about unwanted sexual advances. They happen way more often than we’d care to admit. The media often ignores mundane, casual harassment, probably because it’s not enough to work people into a frenzy. If people reported every single case of inappropriate behavior, HR would never sleep. That’s why we need to work on all fronts. Hopefully, this latest case spurs us to action — that reporting and addressing harassment becomes more common, but also that people pay more attention to it and all it out even when it doesn’t seem aggressive, and most importantly raise their children to do better.

Everyday Sexual Harassment was originally published in Age of Awareness on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Don’t Lose Your Virginity

W e treat virginity like a set of car keys. We focus on the loss, but not the gain.

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It’s important to get into that carefree space to write good content!

It’s important to get into that carefree space to write good content! Nothing kills the mood like complaining. But I thought this post was worth writing. Now, back to jokes. :)

Thanks! It means a lot :)

Thanks! It means a lot :)

Freelance Writers Catch The Clap

Medium’s done a huge service for writers like me. For the first time, we have a chance to make actual money from our work. Their partner program’s what the Internet’s been waiting for — a platform with no middle managers between us and readers. In the old model, editors and agents did valuable work, but they also cock-blocked a lot.

The cock-blocking’s been especially bad the last decade. The industry only rewards a small handful of writers for breaking away from the pack, for doing something bold and different.

Every once in a while, a writer manages to survive the years of rejection and mistreatment. They produce something truly extraordinary. After that? Every publisher hops the bandwagon. If one young adult vampire novel sells, next year you’ll see ten knock-offs.

Nowadays, we only have to worry about claps. A lot of people have complained about the new system. But it doesn’t bother me. Medium’s method sounds straightforward. If you like my work, you clap for it. And then I get paid based on the claps. That beats other models I’ve seen, and believe me I’ve tried most of them. I’ve made about $300 this month on some of my more popular stories.

Newspapers and magazines have always abused writers. For every freelance writer who makes a good living, ten live off Ramen Noodles. Half the challenge of freelance writing involves managing your temper with editors who ignore your emails, talk down to you, accept and then reject your stories, or pay you in “kill fees.” What’s a kill fee? They accept your article, but then decide not to print it. So instead of publication, they pay you a fraction of their original rate. It truly sucks.

Staff writers at weekly newspapers are lucky to make $30K a year these days. That might sound like a lot to you, but a staff writer for a weekly newspaper doesn’t clock out at 5 pm. They essentially work all the time. Why? Because they need every little byline they can get their names on.

Writers invest a huge amount of work into their early years. Sure, call them stupid. But imagine a world without writers. No more newspapers at all, not even online. No more magazines. No more AP or Reuters stories. No more screenplays or Harlequin Romance novels.

No more crime thrillers or comic books to turn into movies.

No more epic TV shoes like Game of Thrones.

Imagine every young writer today listened to their friends, parents, and critics and just gave up. What an awful world.

Medium understands that. You see, over the summer I came this close to taking a hiatus from writing. Then I decided to resign myself to writing for free, because no matter what I can’t stop. Soon after, Medium invited me into their Partner Program. Since then, I’ve been doing some of the best writing of my career.

For a few years, I made a decent living as a freelance writer. Of course, I use the phrase “living” loosely. I shared a roach-infested dump with two pot heads while teaching part-time at three different colleges. When I wasn’t teaching or grading, I was guzzling coffee at Barnes & Noble and writing query emails, drafting movie reviews, and writing up pieces about gang violence. I spent a lot of time at police stations and funerals.

My first month, I attended the funeral of an 11-year-old girl shot in the head during a drive-by. My editor sent me there to get quotes from the family and sneak photos of the coffin procession. I could literally feel my soul shrivel. I’m amazed they didn’t kick me out.

Freelance writers spend a lot of time interviewing people who don’t want to talk to them. The emotional labor is intense. You feel like a vampire. At my peak, I made about $250 a week on my writing. That sounds like a dream to some people. But I worked all the time. Don’t even ask me to estimate my hours. Let’s just go with practically every waking moment.

About 50 percent of what I wrote never saw the light of day because some editor sat on it for too long, or decided he didn’t like the idea after all, or the publication “ran out of space” and decided to axe my story.

One time, one of my pieces simply got lost. The designer accidentally duplicated another story into the space where mine was meant to go. Another time, the editors poured my content into another writer’s article and gave him all the byline credit.

Blogging has offered a new path. I’ve started at least three blogs in the past 5 years. It connected with me with readers, and brought in audiences otherwise closed off. It gave me an outlet for creativity, a chance to practice just writing. The problem? The pay sucked. Most blogging platforms pay you by ad impression.

Last year, my old blog brought in respectable traffic. Some of my best posts got 500–600 views. But that doesn’t mean squat for ad revenue. Six months of blogging earned me barely enough for a sandwich.

Ads brought other harmful side effects to my blog. When I signed up for one blogging platform’s ad program, these ugly ass ads started appearing in my sidebar and headers, sometimes right in the middle of my stories. Obviously, I couldn’t complain, because that was the whole point. But the ads made my blog look cheap. They drove away my most loyal, intellectual readers.

Welcome to Medium, the new model. My content doesn’t get chopped up by jewelry ads anymore. They pay me per clap, and they pay me fairly. Other writers are singing the praises of Medium, but I thought I’d add my voice to the chorus. Literature isn’t dead. It’s just about to undergo one of its biggest transformations yet.

As a professor, I struggle with these issues all the time.

As a professor, I struggle with these issues all the time. Over the past few years I’ve completely revamped my teaching to focus on building skills students will need for jobs. I try to teach them how to teach themselves, to the extent that I can.

I’m glad you liked the article. Go explore your fetish. The more you learn about it, the better!

I’m glad you liked the article. Go explore your fetish. The more you learn about it, the better!

Halloween’s Really About Sex

Welcome to adulthood. Harassing your neighbors for candy was just a warmup for the real thing— showing off your gym thighs in a pleated…

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Surgeon General’s Warning: PowerPoint Presentations may be harmful to your health.

Surgeon General’s Warning: PowerPoint Presentations may be harmful to your health. If you experience a PowerPoint presentation longer than 40 minutes, call your physician immediately.