Tina Hallis's Blog, page 15

Quick Life Lessons: Which Dog Do You Feed?

Matt was a mutt and new to the animal shelter. He was often mad and sad and thought about how rough his life had been.

One day, Bubba a big dog who had been at the shelter for awhile approached Matt and asked him why he was so down. After Matt recounted his many problems, Bubba said, “I know your biggest problem. You’re feeding the wrong dog.” Bubba told him how we all have two dogs inside us. One is positive, hopeful, and optimistic. The other is negative, mad, fearful, and pessimistic. These two dogs often fight inside us.

Bubba asked Matt, “Which one do you think wins?” Matt shook his head, not sure. Bubba answered, “The dog you feed the most.”

I just finished reading this cute, super short, (and somewhat cheesy) book called The Positive Dog by Jon Gordon. You may recognize his name from his other more famous books like The Energy Bus or The No Complaining Rule. I enjoyed the simplicity of this book and how it taught several great lessons from positive psychology from a dog’s point of view. Here are some of my favorite tips:

Take a “Thank-You” walk. Notice and think about all the things you’re grateful for.
Find and create more opportunities to smile and laugh.
Take time to practice gratitude throughout your day. Gratitude is like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets.
Change the story you tell yourself about your life. For example, change drama to adventure or horror to inspiration.
Instead of complaining, look for possible solutions and changes you can make.
Spend time with positive people.
Share the gift of kindness. Plan ahead or let it be spontaneous.
Encourage others by helping them believe in themselves.
Remember that negative experiences help you appreciate the positive ones. It’s like the darkness that allows us to see the stars.
Instead of focusing on what you’ve lost, focus on what could be gained from a tough situation.

What two or three tips could help you this week?

How to Be Healthy? Learning from Cancer Survivors & Centenarians

With all that’s been happening, are you more concerned about your health and the health of your loved ones than ever before? Do you wonder what you should be doing differently? If you’re like me, you may feel like there’s a lot of confusing and conflicting information out there!

So I want to share an interesting comparison between what I’ve learned about people who live to be over 100 years old AND people who’ve survived cancer against all odds. There are some fascinating common themes that we should probably consider when it comes to staying healthy.

The Blue Zones

In his New York Times best-selling book, The Blue Zones: 9 Lessons for Living Longer from the People Who’veLived the Longest, Dan Buettner shares his findings from his journey of traveling the globe to uncover the secrets of longevity. He discovered a few communities that have the highest rate of centenarians (people who live to be 100), experience few diseases commonly found in developed countries, and enjoy more years of good health. The book lists the nine common themes these places share.

Radical Remission

Kelly Turner was curious why some people recovered from so-called “terminal” cancer. So she decided to investigate this topic for her doctoral thesis. She was amazed at what she discovered and has since dedicated her life to the research and sharing what she’s learned. In her book, Radical Remission, Surviving Cancer Against All Odds, and her newest book, Radical Hope: 10 Key Healing Factors from Exceptional Survivors of Cancer & Other Diseases, Dr. Turner shares the common factors that these people felt made a difference in their survival.

What do these two lists have in common? Let’s take a look.

How interesting that positive emotions, life purpose, and social support are topics in positive psychology! Which areas could you improve in?

Savoring What You Still Have: Appreciating it before it’s gone

This week I’ve been thinking about the old adage, “We don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone.”

Who knew we’d have to wear masks everywhere we go? Or that we’d have to social distance from our family and friends? Or that we’d be working from home, or maybe even lose our jobs? Who knew our lives and communities would change so drastically?

As I see the news about the terrible wildfires out west, I also think of all the people who’ve had to evacuate their homes or have lost them in the fires.

As I reflect on so many losses our world is suffering, I’m trying to get better at appreciating what I still have. 

One of my favorite ways is to intentionally savor the good I usually take for granted. Fred Bryant, a social psychologist at Loyola University Chicago and an expert on savoring, says, “It’s been presumed that when good things happen, people naturally feel joy for it,” However, his research suggests that we’re not very good at noticing or appreciating positive experiences. But if we slow down and mindfully become engaged and aware of these moments, we can increase our happiness.

These can be simple things like enjoying a warm breeze or hearing from a friend. Or they can be reflecting on the more important things we may have like our health, our home, and our family, as a few examples.

Here are 10 ways Dr. Bryant says we can build our savoring skills. Check out the full article here.

Share your good feelings with others
Take a mental photograph
Congratulate yourself
Sharpen your sensory perceptions
Shout it from the rooftops
Compare the outcome to something worse
Get absorbed in the moment
Count your blessing and give thanks
Avoid killjoy thinking
Remind yourself how fast time flies

Right now I’m savoring the sunshine and warmer temperatures after a week of gray, cold, and rain where I live. I’m sharing my good feelings with others, and I’m trying to take a mental snapshot while I experience it with every one of my senses.

Look around. What can you savor right now? Before it’s gone?

Are You Chill? The Power of Flexible Expectations

I’m learning about the power of being “chill.” This is a term I commonly hear from my teenage daughter. For example, “My teacher needs to chill!” Or, “I love hanging with my friends. They are so chill.”

What does this word mean to you? Based on my daughter’s usage, chill means “going with the flow,” being flexible, or taking things in stride. I’ve been thinking about this idea a lot lately, especially considering all the stress from unknowns and changes in our lives these days.

From this perspective, I think of how I can be more chill. I notice that when I have expectations for how things will go, I can get very uptight if things don’t go the way I expect. I can become impatient, irritated, and not be my best self (this doesn’t look pretty!). It adds to my stress!! Does this ever happen to you?

But what if we could have flexible expectations? So when things go awry (as they will continue to do), we can bend and adapt? What if we could notice our frustration mounting because of the situation and remember to chill?

Here are some internal conversations that have made it easier for me.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
Maybe things will turn out better this way and I just don’t know it yet.
Maybe it doesn’t really matter in the big picture.
Maybe this is an opportunity for me to practice being flexible.
Maybe this experience will make me more resilient in the face of future challenges.
Maybe I need to take a different approach next time (What can I learn?)

A few minutes ago, a dump truck with a load of gravel was backing up our driveway. This is such a perfect example! My husband had left a message with the company requesting a load of gravel a few days ago. In the meantime, he had an opportunity to get a load through a different company. He kept meaning to give the first company a call to cancel and finally left them a message this morning (apparently a little too late).

Instead of getting mad at himself or getting upset with the situation, he told me our driveway probably needed more gravel anyway. “It’s all good.”

Can you think of situations where it would have been helpful to be chill? I bet there will be an opportunity for you yet today to practice this

Surprising Ways to Boost Your Immune System – Positivity Skills Matter

If you’re like me, you’re concerned about your health and the health of your loved ones more than ever. With the threat of getting COVID, especially if someone has underlying conditions, it’s a critical time to find ways to boost our immune systems.

You may have heard about recommendations to get enough sleep, stay hydrated, eat healthier, and limit alcohol, but here’s some intriguing research that suggests our positivity can also have an impact on our bodies’ immunity. For example, people experiencing loneliness, anger, trauma, and relationship problems have a weaker immune system where infections last longer and wounds take longer to heal.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University looked at loneliness among a group of college freshmen and found that feelings of loneliness and limited social connection negatively impacted their response to a flu vaccine. Other studies measured people’s moods before being exposed to a cold or flu virus. Those with more positive emotions were less likely to catch the bug, and if they did, had less severe symptoms.

But here’s the part that caught my attention. In one study, people were given an intervention, like watching a funny video, before they were exposed to a virus. Those people who were given the happiness boost were less likely to get the cold than those who didn’t have their happiness increased.

My take-away from this research is that even when times are tough, we need to take care of ourselves, find things that bring us peace and joy, and take time to find calm in our stress. Cultivating our positivity skills has never been more important, whether it’s benefiting our health, increasing our quality of life, or being a positive ripple for others.

What actions can you take this week to find some happiness?

Should I Focus on Helping Others or Myself?

I’m reposting this tip because I feel like now, more than ever, we need self-care AND we need to support others.

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I hear messages about how important it is to take care of myself, and I hear messages that true happiness comes when I focus on helping others. If you’re like me, maybe you find these conflicting ideas confusing. Which is it?

When I was at the World Happiness Summit (WoHaSu) in April 2019, I had the opportunity to hear one of my favorite Positive Psychology experts, Tal Ben-Shahar, address this confusion. He talked about the importance of thinking “Yes, and . . .” Is compassion and generosity towards others important? Yes! AND compassion and generosity towards ourselves are important, too. He said we need a balance between being selfish and selfless so we can be self-ful. 

Tal pointed out research from Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take – A Revolutionary Approach to Success. Adam compares the performance of givers, takers, and matchers (I’ll give you as much as you give me).

The top-performing category was dominated by givers. The middle performers were predominantly takers and matchers. The surprising finding was that the bottom performers were also givers!! As they dug into the differences between these givers and the givers that were great performers, they found that the top performers also gave to themselves! The givers in the bottom category only gave to others so they suffered from burnout. It wasn’t sustainable.

Tal shared a quote from the Dalai Lama,

“Caring for others based only on your sacrifice doesn’t last. Caring must also feed you.”

How can we use this advice in our daily lives? So much in our lives is about balance, which requires constant adjusting based on our current situation. Each time we’re faced with a choice that means serving others or serving ourselves, we need to check in. Are we feeling overextended and stressed? Is it time for some self-care? Or are we ready and able to give to others? Will it feel like a heavy chore or a gift we want to give?

The Power of Switching One Word – Another version

In past tips, I’ve written about the power of changing our focus by simply switching the word “have” to “get.” I’ve found it can help me connect with gratitude and notice how lucky I am.

Another version of this play on words that I’ve found extremely helpful these days is to shift my thinking from the list of things I “can’t” do right now, to paying attention to the many things I still “can” do.

It may be thoughts like,

I can’t go to my favorite sporting event, musical performance, fair, or whatever gatherings you enjoy.
I can’t see my friends, family, or colleagues in person, much less give them a hug (if you’re a hugger?).
I can’t go to my workplace (because I have to work from home), or I can’t work from home (because I have to be at my workplace), or I can’t find a job.

I totally get it! Our lives have been turned upside down and we don’t know when they’ll get back to some form of normal. But letting ourselves dwell on all the activities and experiences we’re missing doesn’t change anything. It only makes us miserable. I’m not saying we shouldn’t feel sad, frustrated, or even angry. The key is to not dwell on these thoughts and get stuck in a downward spiral.

Instead, pull out a piece of paper or open a new list on your phone and start writing about things you still can do that bring you joy, peace, and happiness.

I can still enjoy time in my garden weeding or harvesting veggies.
I can still read a good book and even learn something new.
I can still do crafts or cook healthy meals since it’s harder to go out to eat.
I can still tackle home projects like finishing the ceiling in my porch after 20 years (see photo).
I can still practice yoga in the park, go for walks, ride my bike, paddle my kayak, etc.
I can still have fun, laugh, be silly, and enjoy my life.

No doubt, there will be more hard times ahead. But when we build our positivity, it increases our resilience, our patience, and makes everything a little easier.

Flip Your Script: Turning Comparison into Inspiration

This week, I’m excited to share a guest blog by the wise and wonderful Lisa Robb. When I first met Lisa, her passion and authenticity as a life coach really struck me. Enjoy this great insight about flipping from comparison to inspiration.

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It was late at night. Way past my bedtime. I was lying on the couch obsessively checking my email. I had sent in a speaking proposal for a women and leadership symposium at a world-class university and was waiting to hear back. Waiting is hard. Especially when it’s something we want so badly we can taste it. And so I distracted myself with my full email inbox.

Most of the emails were of little value. “Home updates for less.” “$12 candles. TODAY ONLY.” “$20 Just for You.” But one really stood out to me. It was sent to me by someone I respect. Another coach. I opened it. I read every word. My thoughts turned not to the content, but to the quality. It was good. And then my mind took over. “She is an amazing coach. She’s doing incredible work. Her emails are perfect. Her pictures are awesome. She has amazing offerings.” But this quickly escalated into questioning my worth. “What have you ever done? You suck. You might as well give up now.” Ouch. Comparison can make us feel so terrible about ourselves.

And then a miracle happened.

I stood up. And raised my pointer finger to the sky in a strong and confident gesture as I declared, “NO!  I.  Choose.  Inspiration!” Thank goodness there are people in the world that are doing cool things. Who are paving their own path. Who are staying true to their values. Who act on their creative ideas.

This small act of shutting down the comparison and choosing inspiration changed the trajectory of my life. It was as if someone had handed me eyeglasses for the first time and I realized this is what 20/20 vision looks like. It looks like permission to be exactly where we are. It looks like abundance. It looks like being truly happy for the success of others. It looks like collaboration. It looks like betting on yourself.

We may be running the same race. We don’t always know when and where others started. We start at our own time and place. What can we learn? What inspires us? What brings us joy? Who can we cheer for? When and where others finish has no bearing on our race. It just shows us that it can be done.

Run your own race. Run it with all of your heart. You may be the inspiration the rest of us are looking for.

 

Lisa Robb is a professional life coach, speaker, and founder of Raining Glitter Coaching, LLC.  She works with women who want to discover and develop their potential so they can be confident and fulfilled in life. She earned both her masters degree in Curriculum and Instruction as well as her Professional Life Coaching Certificate from UW-Madison.

Different Boats? Let’s Weather the Storm by Paddling Together

“We are not all in the same boat, but we are all in the same storm.” – Unknown

I recently heard this phrase and thought it was perfect, especially these days! There are so many reasons this saying resonates with me.

One is that we just returned from a couple of days whitewater rafting in northern Wisconsin. I was discussing our adventure with my colleagues and friends, Nancy Kalsow (life coach) and Roger Wolkoff (professional speaker). They were pointing out how it’s hard to ride out the storm (or whitewater) alone. Sometimes we need others in our boat to help us paddle. (Our guide told us that the best way to stay in the boat during the roughest water was to keep paddling. Hmmm. Sounds like another insightful analogy.)

Nancy and Roger also suggested that there may be times we need a lifeline or lifesaver.  This reminded me of how our boat had rescued one of the passengers that had fallen overboard from another raft going over the class IV rapids.

We also noted that although it’s the same storm, people’s situations and beliefs can be vastly different. If someone else has a different perspective than us on topics such as wearing masks, social distancing, vaccines, working from home, the police, black lives matter, politics, and the list goes on, we may find ourselves having a strong emotional reaction. It’s no wonder! Right now so many of us are in survival mode, burdened with extreme stress and uncertainty. Our positivity batteries are drained. Our patience and tolerance are at all-time lows.

What can we do to be a catalyst for greater compassion and understanding?

Recognize and acknowledge that many people are acting out of strong emotions and survival mode during these extraordinary times.
Take care of ourselves and replenish our positivity. This is essential to expand our ability to give others grace and build our immunity to their negativity

Reach out to friends and family and let them know we’re there for them, no matter our differences in perspective (Be ready to paddle or offer a lifesaver).
Be a model for kindness and curiosity instead of judgment and condemnation.

What other suggestions do you have to help us support and encourage each other so we can weather this storm better together?

There’s So Much to Worry About! It’s Stressing Me Out

Let’s be honest . . . in these unprecedented times, it can seem like there’s so much to worry about. What does the future hold? When will things get back to normal, if ever? How will all of this impact me, my work, my family, my life? Here are some of my favorite strategies that I use to help me manage my worries.

Positive Emotions

Research shows that the more you focus on your worries, the worse you will feel. And the worse you feel, the more you will worry, and round it goes. It can be easier to break this vicious cycle with practices that help you spend more time feeling positive emotions like hope, gratitude, peace, and curiosity. Check out this list of ideas.

Understand Uncertainty


Uncertainty triggers a threat response in your brain that creates a feeling that you or someone you care about is in danger. Realizing that this is a normal instinctive response can be helpful. Then you can thank your survival instinct while also choosing to shift your thinking to something more useful. 


Categorize Worries

Get your worries out of your head by writing them down. Label them with an “A” if you can take some action to reduce the risk. If there is nothing you can do to change the situation, mark them with a “B.” Write down an action you can take for your “A” worries. Realize worrying about your “B” list is a waste of time and energy.

Worry Is Not a Strategy

If you worry about something and nothing bad happens, you may start to believe that your worrying helped prevent it. Even though you may realize this sounds silly, your subconscious can still create this connection. Notice any thoughts that suggest worrying is helpful. Realize needless worry is impacting the quality of your life.

Get Another Perspective

Share your worry with a trusted friend. Ask them to help you analyze the likelihood of your worry happening. Discuss what the worst possible outcome might be if it does happen and what you could do. Getting a second opinion can help put things in perspective.

Which of these ideas could you try this week?