Tina Hallis's Blog, page 2

Avoiding the Rock in the Road

When I’m riding my bike, and I see a rock or stick in the road, I remember the advice from when I was first learning to ride. “Your bike is going to go where you look. If you focus on the rock in the road, your bike is going to hit it.” Were you ever given this advice?

Yet, I find it so hard to look away! I see the hazard in front of me, and my eyes fixate on it. “Oh no!” Sure enough, my front tire hits the rock, and I have to hold tight to the handlebars so I don’t crash.

Do you see where I’m going with this? In life, the “rock in the road” represents challenges, fears, or obstacles. If you fixate on them, you may steer your thoughts, emotions, and actions toward those very challenges, magnifying their impact or causing you to stumble. Instead, by focusing on the path you want to take, you can navigate around obstacles and enjoy a smoother ride.

Living Your Life Like Riding Past the Rock:

Focus on Your Destination: Keep your mind centered on your goals, aspirations, and the positive outcomes you want to achieve rather than being consumed by fears of failure or setbacks.

Example: Instead of obsessing over what could go wrong in a new project, focus on the steps to make it succeed.

Acknowledge Obstacles Without Obsession: It’s essential to recognize challenges but don’t give them undue attention. A brief glance to assess the “rock” is enough to plan your way around it.

Example: Acknowledge negative self-talk or setbacks, but don’t let them dominate your thoughts or derail your efforts.

Guide Your Energy Toward Solutions: Directing your energy toward solutions and progress helps you avoid being consumed by problems.

Example: If you’re facing a financial challenge, focus on creating a budget or finding additional income sources rather than panicking about debt.

Where you direct your attention is where your energy flows. Fixating on problems anchors you to them, but focusing on your path allows you to steer toward success, growth, and fulfillment. The rocks may always be there, but your journey depends on where you choose to look.

What “rock” are you fixating on? How can you shift your focus?

Are You Nicer to Your Coworkers than Your Family?

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to let your stress and frustration out when you get home after trying to hold it together during the day at work or school?

Or maybe you see it in others. They feel like they can let their guard down once they get home.

Unfortunately, sometimes, this means our family and loved ones take the brunt of our bad mood. Instead of trying to be nice, we let it all out. Maybe we’re snippy or impatient. I know I’ve been guilty. And I’ve heard others admit that, at times, they’re nicer to their coworkers than they are to their partner, kids, or even their parents.

Why does this happen, and what we can do? Here are some possibilities.

Work environments often require professionalism and politeness, while these expectations may be relaxed at home.We feel much more emotionally safe and unconditionally accepted by our family, so we don’t try to suppress negative emotions as much.Work stress and emotional fatigue can build up, and we release this pent-up tension when we get home.We take our relationships with our family for granted, while we work harder at our work relationships if we feel they are important for our success.Sometimes, past experiences with our family members can create triggers, where certain comments can put us on the defensive. It can become an automatic reaction where we say things we may regret.

If you can relate, here are a couple of suggestions that might make things better.

Practice being more aware of your emotions and learn to choose your response instead of reacting to family. (Pause, Notice, Choose)Find ways to mentally transition between work and home so you arrive in a better mood.Be sure to charge your positivity battery with things like hobbies, music, pets, friends, funny videos, getting outside, etc.Talk openly with your family about your feelings and stress to foster understanding and support.Be sure to apologize if you do get impatient.

My relationships with my family are so important to me!! Once I truly appreciated this, it was easier for me to be more understanding and patient. I’m far from perfect, but I do feel that I’ve improved. Now, I try to remind myself how much I love them before I open my mouth…

What is life for anyway? And why do you want more of it?

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve lost two people in my community to cancer well before their time. I work with cancer patients, and I know that there are no guarantees, no matter how much work people do. But loss can be difficult.

I try hard to look for what I can learn when things happen that I don’t like. What “gift” can I find? Here’s one I want to spend some time pondering.

What is life for anyway? Why do I want to live another day or put effort into a longer life? What am I doing that I appreciate and enjoy so much that I want more of it?

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” – Marcus Aurelius

I think this is a hard question sometimes. But I don’t want to wait for a tragedy, such as a diagnosis, to try to figure it out. Instead, I want to take a step back and think about the life I’m living right now. What makes it worth living? What do I want more of? Less of?

As I pause to consider my life, I realize I’m grateful I have people in my life that I can have deep meaningful conversations with. I find that I want to explore and deepen my spiritual connection. The beauty of simple things is becoming more important to me. I try to surround myself with uplifting messages, stories, songs, movies, conversations, etc. I try to pay attention to my thoughts and learn ways to help them improve my life (instead of working against me).

I would love to hear what comes to your mind when you ponder the question, what is life for anyway?

P.S. – Please do not consider these questions if/when you are depressed!! We want to hear from our true self (Sage), and not have our threat response (Saboteurs) do the talking!

This week’s tip is in honor and memory of Irina and Kim. Your determination, passion, and big hearts will never be forgotten.?

Expectations vs Plans – Why the difference matters

Let’s say you’re planning to get together with friends on the weekend to have a picnic. As a plan, you set aside the time, maybe gather up some food, and are looking forward to having fun.

But your plans are disrupted. Maybe it’s because of the weather or a friend gets sick. Now you’re feeling disappointed, but you get over it and realize you can reschedule. It’s not a big deal.

But if you are expecting to see your friends and have fun that day, it can make you feel more than just a little disappointed. You might feel frustrated, even angry. The resentment lingers and may even affect the rest of your day.

Here’s a different scenario. Imagine that your partner is going to take out the garbage before the truck picks it up. You are planning that they will be the one to take care of it. But your partner forgets and the garbage truck comes and goes. You’re a little frustrated that you will have more garbage piling up for the week, but you know that we all forget things sometimes. You take a breath and tell them it’s not a big deal.

But if you were expecting your partner to take out the garbage and they forgot, you may feel a much stronger sense of frustration and maybe even anger. “How could they forget? They are so irresponsible!” Your negative feelings towards your partner may impact how you treat them for the next few hours.

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” – Macklemore

Having a plan can be important and helpful. But when we have an unrealistic or unspoken expectation, we can end up triggering out threat response and have a very strong negative reaction.

Check in with yourself. Does this week include plans or expectations?

Want Less Stress? Three Common Truths We Commonly Forget

What are these common truths? You’ve probably heard them many times, even as a child, yet we often overlook them. However, they consistently prove themselves to be true.

Life is not fairThings do not happen the way we wantPeople are not perfect

Hearing and knowing these truths is NOT enough.

For example, we know that life is not fair. We’ve witnessed it many times in our own lives and in the lives of others. Yet, we continue to expect things to be fair. which wouldn’t be so bad, except then we get upset and frustrated when unfair things happen. And we replay them over and over, which reignites our frustration.

Now, I’m not suggesting we should passively sit by and let unfair things happen. If there’s a reasonable action we can take to improve the situation, we should consider it. However, many times, circumstances are beyond our control.

The same is true for the next two insights. We want (and expect) situations to happen a certain way. When the weather doesn’t cooperate, when things break, when there’s a traffic jam, it messes up our plans, and we can become frustrated.

Similarly, when people make mistakes, hurt our feelings, or just behave in a way we don’t like, we can get upset. Sometimes, it’s even our own actions that disappoint us. We can get angry at others and ourselves.

Instead of resisting reality, what if we acknowledged our reactions and chose to approach them differently? We could be curious about why we react as we do, be amused by our reactions, or simply accept that these experiences are part of being human. 

This doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or avoiding necessary conversations. It means letting go of the futile effort to control what’s beyond our control.

This week, try noticing instances of these truths in your daily life and see if shifting your perspective reduces frustration, disappointment, and overall stress, making your life more enjoyable and manageable.

 

To browse past positivity tips, visit this page.

Please Don’t Be Mad, But You May Need to Hear This

Have you ever had a coworker snap at you for no reason? Have you ever had a family member respond in a grumpy manner? Have you ever had a fellow driver cut you off or make you wait unnecessarily?

Why can’t other people live up to our expectations? Instead, they get in bad moods when they have a bad day, they get frustrated when they’re stressed, they make mistakes, and they let us down. My husband forgets to take out the trash. My daughter doesn’t tt put her clothes away. A coworker forgets to communicate a change in the project.

What if you could shift your perspective and see these challenges as opportunities to practice understanding, to forgive other’s imperfections, to remember that we are all imperfect humans with tender wounds and scars?

I remember many years ago when my friend Jen said she had asked God to give her more patience. “And he gave me my son.”

What if other people who aren’t perfect are actually our teachers? What if their words and behaviors are actually a way for us to learn about ourselves and areas we may need to work on?

Sometimes you get what you want. Other times you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty, and life. Either way, you win. – Brianna Wiest, TinyBuddha.com

What if we could get curious about ourselves instead of jumping to defensiveness or judgment of them?

We witness other people’s storms from the shelter of our own perspectives. Let’s be mindful that we don’t add the cold rain of judgment to their already soaked spirits. – Liz Newman

I’m not saying this is easy. But even if you can remember this in a few situations, see how it changes YOUR words and behavior. And then, notice how that change impacts your interaction and your relationship.

Adding a Splash of Emotional Intelligence to the Holidays

I love the holiday season! I enjoy the festivities, lights, music, and gatherings. And I also know that it’s famous for interesting family/friend dynamics. We might be feeling a little more stressed, with more to do so our patience might be low. Or we might have expectations for how we think things should happen while others have very different ideas.

The good news is whether it’s the holidays or any time of year, a splash of emotional intelligence (EQ) in your holiday cheer can make a huge difference.

In a nutshell, EQ has four main areas as shown in the image.

Self-awareness – being aware of our own thoughts, feelings, reactions (Pause, Notice)Self-management – intentionally choosing our words and actions in the presence of these thoughts and feelings (Choose)Social (or other) awareness – being aware that other people have thoughts, feelings, reactionsRelationship management – intentionally choosing our response to their words and actions

Let’s pick a common holiday theme to explore these more.  Maybe you have a traditional family meal that you always look forward to, but this year the family is asking for something different. How can they ruin the celebration by NOT following the treasured tradition? You’re disappointed and frustrated.

Self-awareness is all about noticing how the situation makes you feel. When you can “” you are also moving into the next step, self-management. Are you going to let your thoughts and feelings ruin your holiday? Are you going to get stuck in the disappointment? Can you find a new perspective to help you shift your thoughts? Maybe it would be fun to try something new. Maybe you could mix it up and have both types of food at your gathering.

Social awareness is reminding ourselves that other people have feelings and thoughts, too. We can get curious instead of judging. We can ask them why they want the change and how they’re feeling about it. We can stay calm and not react to their impatience or frustration. We can say, “How interesting. Tell me more.”

Now the magic happens! If we’ve successfully made our way through the first 3 steps, we now have more capacity to choose a response that benefits everyone. We now better understand their perspective. And we can remind ourselves that we are all imperfect humans making our way through the curvy path of life.

I’ve been practicing a mantra when I get triggered.  I give love. I receive love. I am love. What would my most loving self do? This is about loving ourselves as well as others.

See if you can find any situations that would benefit from a splash of EQ this holiday season. I guarantee it can make things more merry and bright!

Life is a Patchwork Quilt – Choose Your Patches Carefully

One of the most important things I’ve learned from the past 10 years of studying, applying, and teaching positive psychology is the power of our thoughts and how we can actually get better at managing our thoughts so they make our life better. And I’ve learned how our thoughts are highly influenced by what we focus on in the world around us; what we notice and what we ignore.

It reminds me of a patchwork quilt. The quilter sorts through a variety of fabric squares (or patches) and carefully chooses those that fit the design they want to create. They look for color, pattern, texture, etc. They ignore or leave out those squares that don’t fit their vision. The goal is to create something they find pleasing or beautiful.

When I think of my life as a patchwork quilt, I realize I get to decide which “pieces” I bring in to create my life. Do I dwell on those times people have hurt me or caused me stress? Do I remember situations when things went wrong? Or do I choose to shift my thinking to things I’m grateful for?  People, pets, situations, and things I feel blessed to have in my life? Do I choose to spend my time on activities that bring me satisfaction and move me towards my goals?  Do I spend time with people whom I enjoy?

Do I look for the good in my day? In other people? In the world overall? Or do I let the news and media direct my focus to all that’s bad? Do I take time to notice everyday beauty in nature? Do I appreciate the miracles around me? Am I grateful for the love and friendship from others? Or does my survival instinct rule my thoughts, always assuming the worst and looking for problems?

I’ve learned that I can intentionally choose to focus on aspects of the world around me that help me design the kind of life I want to create; something rewarding and beautiful. What “patches” are you going to add to your quilt of life today?

How Long Was He Going to Grumble?

My husband asked if I wanted to go for a walk. As we headed out, I asked how things were going for him that morning in his machine shop. I could tell by his scowl that he was in a bad mood. He said he was frustrated because he’d wasted a lot of time trying to find two different tools he needed for a customer’s project, and he still hadn’t found them. I also knew he was dreading this project because it was way behind schedule.

I, on the other hand, was in a decent mood, not great, but OK. As he vented about his search for his tools, I noticed different thoughts going through my mind. One thought empathized with his situation, understanding that wasting time can be very frustrating. Looking back, I believe this thought was from my sage (best self).

Another thought was feeling irritated that his bad mood was going to put a damper on our walk. I wondered how long he was going to grumble. I believe this thought came from my saboteur who was short on empathy and longer on judgment.

Thankfully, my practice with the “pause, notice, choose” approach helped me notice both thoughts and, with a little extra effort, choose the first. I purposefully validated his feelings and agreed it sounded frustrating.

A minute or two later, he was in a significantly better mood and we enjoyed our walk together.

But I know if I had been frustrated or stressed, it would have been harder to shift to my sage. It would have been easy to make a comment that would have made things worse. I’m learning that when my mood is struggling, it’s best to just stay quiet or let others know I’m struggling.

Its soooo much easier to be my best, authentic, loving self when my stress is low and life is easy. How about you? What works best when you’re struggling?

To browse past positivity tips, visit this page.

Do You Need to Reprioritize Your To-Do List?

Imagine that you looked at your “to-do” list this morning and the top thing was do something that feels good. This priority came before cleaning the house or doing paperwork or running errands. What could you do that would make you feel good today?

Would you send someone a “thinking of you” note?

Would you watch a funny show or video that made you laugh?

Would you get outside and spend some time in nature?

Would you take time to enjoy a hobby or sport?

Would you call a friend?

Maybe you would finish a project or chore that you’ve been putting off.

Maybe you would indulge in a bubble bath.

Maybe you would put on a favorite song and dance in the living room.

Maybe you would plan a vacation.

Maybe you would look at old photos that bring back good memories.

It’s so easy to focus on all our chores and “shoulds” until we run out of time for something fun. So, today, I challenge you to shift your priorities and do something that feels good right away. I would love to hear what it is! You can reply to this email and let me know.

I started the first fire of the year in our wood stove. Now the house is cozy warm with a lovely ambiance! It makes me happy ?.