Ruby Fitzgerald's Blog, page 7

A Short But Sincere Rant

I don't understand how there's still so much hatred in the world.

Just the other day, I was sitting on the patio of my favorite little coffee shop - which, mind you, is off of a quiet neighborhood street in a notoriously progressive area of Chicago... when I heard a ton of angry honking. I understand road rage happens, but this seemingly innocent mishap of communication on the road turned into vulgar gesturing and yelling. The exchange escalated into one driver yelling racial slurs at the other!

How, I ask you, is this still a thing? How are people still so ignorant and malicious and hostile? Why is there hatred based on something so incredibly uncontrollable - so stupid - as skin color??

If you must hate someone, hate someone based on their actions of cruelty, their disregard of others, their greed or selfishness... Hatred in general is such wasted energy. But if you can't resist having negative feelings toward someone at least base it off something that's actually their choice! Not their damn skin color!

We all eat, drink, sleep, go about our daily lives. We have jobs and families, dreams, hopes, disappointments, heartbreaks... The color of our skin changes absolutely nothing about how we think and feel. How we exist. All of us are equally human.

The fact some people still haven't figured that out blows my mind. It makes me unbelievably angry. This world has enough pain and struggle as it is, it doesn't need more based on something as inconsequential as pigment of skin.

The Balance We Need

I'm still on my motivate and encourage kick-- still wanting people to truly LIVE their lives! It's a message I firmly believe in, and think most people need to hear over and over again before they act upon it. So with that being said:

At last the sun is shining. Birds are chirping. Flowers are blooming. And allergies are in full swing...

This time of year really serves as a good reminder to me that life isn’t ever all-good or all-bad. Spring, this golden time of year, with fresh growth and beautiful, warm days, clean air and playful puppies running through backyards... it’s easy to look around think all is well, everything is good. It’s easy to look back on time and begrudge winter for taking so long to be over, for being so cold and brutal. But then the watery, itchy eyes start up, the bug bites appear, red and angry, on long sun-deprived skin. The rain pours down and floods the streets.

There is bad in good, and good in bad. Always.

How would you know the true value of joy if you had not experience sorrow? How would you appreciate the heat of a sunny day without the cold of a winter night? And how would you believe and respect love - generous, unending, pure love - if you had not ever experienced pain and misdeed?

Life teaches us, often not-so-subtlety, that we require balance. We want seasons and changes, ups and downs. We want experiences! If there was no winter we would take spring for granted. If there was no cold we would take the comfort of warmth for granted. We would grow bored. Complacent. Unappreciative. And where is the fun in that?

This life is short. But there are an endless number of experiences waiting to happen, waiting to be pushed into existence during this short life. And all I can say is, cry. No, don’t cry— weep. Weep when you hurt, laugh until your sides ache when you’re gleeful. Dance when you’re excited. Scream at the top of the mountain you just managed to climb, or even at the ikea table you finally put together, even if there are still 7 extra screws. 

Don’t be afraid to be present in your own existence, to be awake, to be truly alive. Don’t be afraid to feel your life.

What you remember, years from now, aren’t the bug bites and watery eyes, it’s the stunning expanse of a orchid garden you randomly decided to rent a car to drive out and see. It’s not your frozen nose on a cold commute to work, it’s the picnic you played hooky to have, on the first sunny day in March, even though it wasn’t really warm enough to enjoy. 

Feel the good. Feel the bad. Appreciate that life requires both. Appreciate that you can - and do - experience both.

Let Yourself Live

I’m tired of embarrassment. 

Anger, excitement, joy, sorrow... 99% of the emotions we experience I understand the usefulness of. There is a time and a place for responses of a wide spectrum of emotions. But embarrassment...? That’s one gets me, more than anything. Embarrassment causes us to avoid trying new things and meeting new people. Embarrassment leads to shame. Embarrassment makes us sit on the sidelines of our own lives because we fear the way we might be perceived and/or judged.

I was fortunate enough this last winter to take a trip to Jamaica. While there, I took a sailing excursion. One of the stops of the excursion was at a restaurant that had a long slide angled down from the deck into the ocean, a trampoline, rope swing, and a blow-up climbing wall, all floating off the shore. There were probably 20 to 30 people that had been sailing with me, but only four of them, other than myself, made use of the water toys. Up on that restaurant’s deck sat dozens more people, staring down at us, and not a single one of them joined us either! 

One of the women, after swimming out from the slide, verbalized that she was concerned about using the rope swing - about whether or not she was going to able to hold herself up - and debating even trying... because she didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of everyone if she couldn’t. Strangers! Everyone there were strangers, likely never to be spoken to, and even less likely to ever be seen again by the young woman! And yet, she was considering not doing something that she clearly wanted to, something that she thought would be fun, because of the fear of their judgement. 

She did end up using the rope swing. And she did fall. So what? She had fun, had a good laugh, and didn’t let her embarrassment stop her from enjoying herself. And you know what? Nobody cared. And nobody said anything to her about not being able to hold herself up... I doubt anyone even noticed. And to be honest, I wouldn’t have noticed either, had she not said something in the first place. All I noticed is that we were having fun: a hell of a lot more fun than the people sitting upstairs watching us live our lives instead of living their own.


What I’m trying to say is, embarrassment lasts only for a moment. Don’t let a fleeting, stupid emotion keep you from making memories that last a lifetime. Do what you want, try what you want, say what you want. Life is better living confidently. Try not to let embarrassment steal your fun.

Fully Awake

Because I would escape into my mind, my mind became a cage.

Maladaptive daydreaming is something I wish would be discussed in the mental health community more often. Although it is not formally recognized as a mental disorder, it can be harmful to one's overall health and is absolutely considered a psychiatric condition. For me, daydreaming started as a coping mechanism but soon became a detriment to my life. As a youth, trying to avoid dealing with my depression and emotional strains, I would sink into my own mind. I would daydream to the point of obsession. I would rather be half-asleep in a world of my own creation than either fully awake or fully asleep. I would lose track of time, and I lost interest in actually being present in my own life.

During the course of coming out of trauma, focusing on getting well, and admitting to my struggles, I stopped having issues with maladaptive daydreaming. However, the stories I had formed, the connections I had made with my made-up characters, and the fantastical worlds I'd imagined, remained engraved in my mind.

So I started writing them down.

Instead of being trapped in my head of make-believe, I bought my world - my torment, my fight, my love and imagination - into this world. And I learned that broken doesn't mean ugly. Crazy doesn't have to mean bad. And beauty comes from growth, not from perfection. I'm a twice-published author now. I've worked incredibly hard just to be healthy, just to live, but the result has been something great. And not only that, but something shareable, something encouraging. My books are "just" fantasy, but they spread a message of understanding - understanding mental health and the reality of every day, internal struggles- and the magic of simply being alive. Dealing with my own mental illnesses has made me strong, made me empathetic, and encouraged me to find creative outlets... and that, I wouldn't change for anything.

The Beauty We Seek

It's time we stopped focusing on beauty as perfection, as idolization. Beauty has become a skewed, manipulated, and ever-changing trend rather than a sense of empowerment, health, and functionality. And I hate it.

Thick calves used to be considered highly attractive because it indicated a certain level of wealth that could supply greater quantities of food. Wide hips have often been considered sexy because they suggest a woman can bear children more easily. Attractiveness even comes down to the color contrast of your eyes - the clarity of the whites in relation to the depth of color of the iris because it indicated overall health!

These "judgements" of beauty and appeal do not bother me. They're at least based on something. Health. Reproduction. Ability to support a family, supply food. Fine. But when beauty turns from health and functionality into strange - and sometime life threatening- trends, I get angry. Waist trainers that squash your internal organs? Lip plumpers that have the potential to harm blood vessels? Extreme dieting that can trigger an eating disorder? What are we doing to ourselves?!

Can you move about the world? Can you smile and make another person smile back? Can you breathe in the crisp air around you and turn your chin up to soak in the sun? Yes? Then you are beautiful. Don't take your strength for granted. And truly, deeply, sincerely.... do not take your health for granted.

If the inside - heart, health, mind, soul - is feeling good, don't let the word tell you the outside doesn't also look good. You are not required to follow fashion, mold your body to these fake ideals of perfection. You're not. Really. The world wants you to believe that you have to but you so, so do not!

Love your curves, forgive your 'flaws', appreciate your bones for holding you up, your muscles for propelling you forward, and your brain for giving you the ability to do so very, very much... including something you probably aren't even thinking of - reading this, right here, right now. You are an amazing, beautiful, powerful creature. Your very existence is a miracle in its own right. Don't belittle that.

Don't forget that.
 

Giving Up

Have you given up on your new year’s resolution yet? ...did you even make one?

I’ll be honest, I don’t usually make one. I think, more often than not, the resolutions that people make are silly, unreachable, overzealous, and/or just plain ill conceived. “Go vegetarian”, “Lose 20lbs”, “Stop spending money and save up” are all probably great things to have made as your new year’s resolution... but doing them just because the calendar says you should is kind of ridiculous. Change your diet because you’re tired of your body feeling worn down, not just because you gorged yourself over the holidays. Lose weight because you respect your health, not because everyone else is guilting themselves into buying gym memberships. Save money because you want to make your future secure, not just because it’s January 1st. If you make changes for good reasons - reasons that matter to you - you’ll stick to goals far, far, far more often.

I feel like this time of year is when everyone who crammed together in the gym after new year’s has stopped going. Life’s gotten busy. Spring is in the air. Everyone goes back to their old habits. However, I challenge you not to get complacent. I challenge you to put worthwhile, sincere, self-motivated goals ahead of yourself. Choose to give your body more care, your mind more rest, your friends and family more love, and you'll see your life take a turn for the better.

Give up on your new year's resolution.

...And make life resolution instead. Think about what you truly, deeply care about achieving - life long - and then stick to it. Hold yourself accountable. Listen to your own desires, not what advertising and influence tells you you should care about. Go deep, go personal. 

The last six months or so for me have been spent focusing on what makes me feel peaceful. Content - not necessarily happy - just peaceful. What helps me wake up fresh and ready for the day? What gives me energy? Who helps me be a better, healthier person? And, in finding answers to those questions, I've begun to feel much more centered in my being, much more content with my life. And, much more optimistic about my future. Finding a peaceful day to day vibe has allowed me more happy moments, more joyful experience, and has helped me better handle negativity that would have otherwise really set me back.

Life goal for yourself. Matter to yourself. Know that you are worthy of your own care and understanding.

Method to My Madness

I get a lot of questions about mental illnesses... treatments, management, triggers, etc. What I know is what I've learned from experience. I don't have a degree, I'm not a teacher, but what I can say with 100% certainty is that every person - and every illness - is different. With that being said, I would like to share with you some successes and failures from the last decade of my journey toward health and stability. Perhaps this blog post can help you, or at the very least, give you some hope.

I am not a huge fan of prescriptions for anxiety and depression. For some people they work marvelously. They are - literally - life saving. For me, I've not had much success with them. Most of my growth and wellness has come from "alternative methods". I've paid attention to, and altered, my diet. I am acutely aware of how much sleep I need. I've recognized that my struggle with depression is a lot worse in winter and spring than the rest of the year, so I amp up my lights and take vitamin D supplements during those seasons. I exercise regularly. I understand that I need a creative outlet (such as reading, writing, or painting) in order to feel centered. I recognize that I'm a workaholic; so I force myself into taking time off, because I know that - even though I don't feel like I need it - I do need time to rest and recuperate. 

I've also explored a lot of therapies. Acupuncture. Massage therapy. Sound therapy. Aromatherapy. Herbal remedies. Meditation. Cupping. Yoga. And I'll be honest, some of it I absolutely do NOT like. Ha, no, really. For instance, I'm terrible at yoga (even though I'm a flexible person!). Classes aren't my thing, and trying to do yoga via a youtube tutorial just makes my anxiety tenfold what it was. I've had a small amount of success with meditation, but not enough for me to do it on a regular basis. Sound therapy is weird for me... I can't turn my brain off. So I just lay there feeling self conscious, anxious, and restless. I keep trying things though. And I think that's truly the key to getting better (and eventually, consistently feeling better). If something doesn't work- try something else. Don't just give up. Even if something doesn't work the first time, maybe give it another go later on. Every experience tells you about yourself. You learn about your brain, your preferences, your stresses, and your joys from every up swing and every down swing. 

For me, there are a few methods that have massively helped me: acupuncture, massage, and diet awareness (including herbal and CBD supplements). Acupuncture particularly helps me with my depression. After a couple of months of regular treatments, I found that I was waking up (and getting up) far more easily. I also noticed that the dip in energy and temperament that I usually had in the early evening only hit every once in a while instead of every night. Massage helps me with general stress management. I tend to hold my body very tensely. I have both nerve and muscle pain and because of that (and causing it, both I suppose) I tend to hunch my shoulders and get headaches. Massage really helps release that tension and allow me to breathe, settle into my body, and kind of hit the reset button. As for diet, I've massively cut back on sweets and caffeine. I try to make sure I'm getting all the vitamins and minerals my body - and brain - needs to feel good and function correctly. I used CBD on days I'm really anxious, and I take an energy-increasing multivitamins on days I'm feeling low.

Everything is a balance. But, it's not a balance you find once and suddenly you're good-to-go for the rest of your life. It's a balance that you have to work at maintaining every single day. Some days that's an easy task and some days it's an impossible task. And that's ok.

As long as you keep trying and keep searching, you're going to keep growing. Healthy is possible.

It really is.

Self-Care isn't Selfish

Self love, I truly believe, is the hardest love to master. Or at least, it has been for me.

I don’t want to be selfish, greedy, or come off as entitled. I believe in kindness, care, and in serving others. And I hate saying “no”. Because of this, canceling plans makes me feel guilty, spending money on myself makes me feel egotistical, and resting - even when it’s truly, 100% necessary, makes me feel lazy. I never want to say no to helping someone out, I strain myself way past exhaustion for the betterment of others, and sometimes even simply to avoid confrontation, and I often end up resentful because I keep giving and giving and giving, and often get little in return. However, I have come to learn not to expect return for generosity. Not because of anything negative about other people, but because my true energy, peace, gratification, and appreciation needs to come from my own self. Not from others.

I need to love myself, treat myself right, appreciate and value myself. First. And forever. Only then can I expect the same from others. Giving to myself and taking care of myself not only makes me a healthier, happier person, it makes me a better person for others to enjoy as well.

My main focus for my self-care is mental. I have long struggled with both depression and anxiety. For that reason, I have to remind myself - and I want to remind you as well - that self-care isn’t selfish, petty, or silly. Yes, sometimes I take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine. That is indeed a "silly" form of self-care. But that’s surface level care for a much deeper, and more serious issue. Taking time to breath, to reflect, to meditate, eating better, sleeping more, standing up for myself, getting treatments, getting outside, calling my sister, cleaning my house, exercising, going to the doctor, drinking more water… it’s all care. For mind and body both. And when I take those seemingly small actions, collectively, they change my life, and my attitude toward life.

Everyone is different; what we need in order to feel whole and healthy is also different. But the fact that we need to take care of ourselves…? That will never, ever change.

A Sense of Accomplishment

The good things in life are earned.

They're earned through blood, sweat, tears, and overcoming fears. They're built from the bottom up. They're dreamed, planned, and pursued. I don't care what that "good thing" is, no matter how small or large, I just care that you worked for it, that you had the strength, dedication, and passion to get it for yourself. Good. Good for you.

We, as a society, have become so incredibly judgmental. Somehow, goals and ambitions have become categorized. For instance, a child - when asked what they want to be when they grow up - is expected to not just give a job title, but to give a occupation that is perceived as somehow better than other occupations. When we're looking toward our futures, we tend to focus on career, income... striding ever forward toward fame and fortune. But why? Why is it not completely and totally acceptable for that child to 1. not have an answer 2. reference who they want to be as a person rather than as an earner 3. choose a less glamorous job because it's something that truly intrigues them... ?

It frustrates me to no end seeing people of my age - millennials - having no idea what they want out of life, because all their life they've been taught to view their existence as worthless unless extreme success occurs. We have been taught that wealth and notoriety are the most valuable things in life, and I think that is utterly wrong! It's making us ill too, ill of heart and ill of mind. We're depressed, stressed out, never satisfied. We focus on celebrities and scandals... We obsess over things that have no actual bearing on our existence. 

The good things in life are earned-- they're the things we truly desired. And they don't have to be grand, crazy accomplishments. I mean, how satisfied do you feel when you turn the last page of a book, and read the story's end? There's a sigh that usually comes up, naturally, and a sense of calm. THAT is a sense of accomplishment. It a moment of health and happiness, a goal reached, an accomplishment had... a good thing, that you earned from simply reading. That applies to everything, from long-term hard work, something like graduating from college, to something as simple as finishing washing the dishes. You put your mind to it, and you got it done. Whatever that "it" is. 

Easy for some doesn't mean easy for all. And success is viewed differently person to person. We need to start realizing that we're not cookie cutouts. We're individuals. And as long as we're working toward betterment, searching for good, on the path of hope, we deserve respect - or at least sincere acknowledgement - for what we've done.

Fiction Doesn't Have to Mean Fluff

Are you a writer dreaming of becoming an author? Curious about my ‘Descendants of War’ series? Looking for inspiration? I thought you might enjoy a little Q&A about my journey to becoming the author I am today. I’ve gotten a lot of questions over the last couple years and I’m hoping that my answers encourage you to keep writing, keep dreaming, and keep working!

Q: When did you start writing?
A: I started telling stories - with my fingers as my characters - before I was even able to speak full sentences. I started writing in earnest in middle school (though it was mostly terrible poetry haha).

Q: How did you know you wanted to be an author?
A: I was a good student and enjoyed a number of different subjects, but nothing gave me the pleasure writing did. Writing was this rush for me - a mix of irritation, excitement, and satisfaction... I’d get lost in a story in a way I never got lost in anything else. Then, when I started writing my first book (when I was seventeen), my mind was made up. I simply HAD to write. It wasn’t an optional thing after that.

Q: Is becoming an author difficult?
A: Yes. Heart-breakingly so. I sent out hundreds of query letters. I got rejected so, so many times. Sometimes though the rejection letters hurt less than just not hearing back from anyone. Silence, for years, was torture. Editor, publisher, agent, advertising, re-writes, more re-writes, social media, never-ending work... it’s exhausting and often extremely frustrating. But it’s worth it, it’s so worth it. That first moment when you hold your own book in your two hands, and you smell that fresh paper scent, and you just think to yourself, “I did it.”

Q: What do you do to overcome writer’s block?
A: Change my subject matter or style. If I’m having trouble with a chapter in my book, I’ll take a break from it, but stay within a creative activity. Like, I’ll work on poetry or read, or even sing, and once I have my mind working fluidly again, I’ll return to what was giving me trouble and take another stab at it.

Q: Does writing energize or exhaust you?
A: Both, actually. And I think that’s probably pretty common. It’s a pretty stagnant job... sitting for a long time at a computer makes me really restless and I end up with all kinds of pent-up energy after a day spent writing. However, my brain will be tuckered out completely.

Q: What piece of advice would you give an aspiring writer?
A: Cry. Go ahead and cry. Cry when you’re frustrated after having writer’s block or getting a rejection letter. Let it out. BUT! Even more importantly, if you’re writing a sad/emotional scene, cry. Because if you’re making yourself tear up, you’re well on your way to making a reader cry. And, to me, two of the biggest signs of success as a writer are when you can make a reader laugh out loud, and when you can make them cry.

Q: How much do you base your characters on real people?
A: Depends on the circumstances. Conversations, I tend to mimic after ones I've really had. Character appearances I definitely tend to model after real people, it makes things easier/more tangible in description. Personalities though, they seem to end up with individual, specific traits that are legit, but that’s ultimately it. This is a hard question for me, because I’ve had a couple friends think book characters are modeled after them, and I would never had said so! So, maybe I base characters on actual life more than I think I do!

Q: How many hours a week do you spend on your writing?
A: Oh, good grief, I have no idea! During active writing times, it’ll be 40+ hours a week, and I’ll even have dreams about my characters! But, even if I’m not actively writing, I’m doing stuff on social media, I’m plotting out details of future stories, I’m jotting down ideas, I’m mulling things over, doing research, making up scenarios. I mean, it really never completely shuts off.

Q: How do you select names for your characters?
A: I’m a big believer in giving characters names that have meaning fitting to their person. For instance, the evil King antagonist of my series is named ‘Zagan’ which means ‘fallen angel’. I even try to make sure the names of cities and territories have meaning behind them. I used the name ‘Layton’ which means ‘from the meadow’ for the town that’s attacked in ‘Harmonies of War’ because it’s this quaint, traditional, earthy village. It’s a fun little added detail of care that I think observant readers really enjoy.

Q: How long does it take to write a book?
A: Forever! Haha, no I’m joking. Depends on the writer. Depends on the book. It took years for my first book, it’s taking a year+ for my third book, but the second one I hammered out in just over a month! I’ve also been working on a book of poetry for almost a decade! It really depends on how dedicated a writer is, how much time is available to be spent on writing, and how clear the story already is in the writer’s head.

Q: Do you read your book reviews?
A: Yes. And no. If it’s good, I read it a million times over, as encouragement to keep writing when I’m feeling low. If it’s bad, I’ll skim it for useful points/criticisms, and kind of file those away for future writing adjustments... and then never read the review again. The negativity can really get to me sometimes, so I try to take it easy with reading bad reviews. No writer pleases every reader, that’s just fact.

Q: Is fictional writing as important as non-fiction?
A: Absolutely! My books have a message of mental health, relationship development, and humanity. Fiction doesn’t have to mean fluff. Doesn’t matter if a story is set in medieval times or in the sci-fi of a thousand years in the future, there’s always a lesson, there’s always a message, and there’s always something to identity with. Reading and writing brings us closer together. We share through words, our imagination, our experiences, our emotions, and our dreams. That’s a value unlike anything else. Fiction is incredibly important. Why else would there be millions of books out there?! And millions of readers waiting for new books to come out! 


Enjoy your weekend, writers, readers, and book lovers! Never stop dreaming!