Emily-Jane Clark's Blog, page 4
January 12, 2017
Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version
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THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole. Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.
Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.
“Where are you going with that tray, Mum?” asked Laura.
“To the bathroom,” said Mrs Large.
“Why?” asked the other two children.
“Because I want five minutes peace away from you lot,” said Mrs Large. “That’s why.”
“Can we come?” asked Lester.
“NO!” said Mrs Large, switching on Cbeebies and heading up the stairs.
Mrs Large moved all the sodding plastic toys from the tub and ran a deep, hot bath. She found half a bottle of baby bath foam, emptied it into the water and got in. She poured herself a large mug of wine and lay back with her eyes closed. It was heaven.
“CAN I PLAY YOU A TUNE?” asked Lester.
Mrs Large open one eye. “For fuck’s sake,” she muttered under her breath realising she had forgotten to lock the door.
“Go on then,” sighed Mrs Large while plotting the murder of whoever the HELL invented the sodding recorder. She took a sip of wine and Lester played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star until Mrs Large felt her ears begin to bleed.
In came Laura.
“Can I read you a page from my reading book, Mum?” She asked.
“Oh please no,” thought Mrs Large, as she was not sure she had the patience for phonics this morning.
“No, Laura. Now go downstairs all of you,” said Mrs Large provoking an almighty tantrum from Laura.
“OK, OK! STOP SCREAMING,” said Mrs Large, “JUST ONE PAGE THEN.”
So Laura ‘sounded out’ three and a half pages of Mum’s New Hat (which is every bit as exciting as it sounds).
Next, in came the little one and threw a trunkful of toys into the bath water.
“For god’s sake,” said Mrs Large and necked the rest of her wine.
“Can I have your cake? Can I play on your phone? I need a poo? Can I get in with you? Can I have a drink? Can you play trains with me?” Nagged the children before they all climbed into the bath.
“Uh, oh. I did a wee wee!” said the little one.
“Of course you did, dear,’” groaned Mrs Large before counting to ten and getting out. She put on her dressing gown and headed for the door.
“Where are you going now mum?” asked Laura
“To the kitchen,” said Mrs Large.
“Why?” asked Lester.
“Because I want five minutes peace away from you lot. Just five minutes is all I ask! Five minutes where no one asks me for a drink or to wipe their bum or urinates on the floor! Five minutes where no one yells “I HAD IT FIRST’ or “MUMMY!” or “I NEED A SNACK.” Just a few minutes to myself where I can hear myself think or have a poo by myself! Five teeny tiny minutes where nobody asks me for anything and no one, I repeat, NO ONE PLAYS THE BLOODY RECORDER!” said Mrs Large. “That’s why.”
And off she went down stairs where she had just sat down to drink her triple-reheated coffee before they all came to join her.
The End
Do you hide in the loo? Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. Find out more about the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain no advice whatsoever over here.
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The post Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
January 9, 2017
Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep
[image error]TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.
Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer. As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:
Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.
Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber . VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.
A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.
Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland. VERDICT: This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.
Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer. VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?
Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right? VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.
White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves. VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.
Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry. VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed fascinated by this subject.
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Mummy is here little one…
Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..
VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.
Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME. VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.
So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.
I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it. Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in 9 reasons not to go on a diet.
More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep. Available from book shops or on Amazon now!!
Feel free to share your hot tips in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..
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The post Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
December 24, 2016
The Night Before Christmas (In Our House)
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On the night before Christmas, so it is said,
That children should be nestled snug in their beds.
They should not be asking, ‘one more lullaby?’
Or secretly stealing another mince pie.
On the night before Christmas, so we are told
That children will all be as good as gold.
For fear that if they mess about,
That Santa Claus would find out!
But on the night before Christmas day,
In our house, things don’t go this way
The children say they ‘can’t go to bed,’
‘Cos sugarplums are dancing in their head?!
(What sugarplums are they’ve no idea
They read about them in a book last year).
On the night before Christmas, no one’s asleep
Despite stories, lullabies and counting sheep
Daddy is worrying the turkey’s too small
And whether he should have bought sprouts, after all
I am trying to hang up the stockings with care
While daddy shouts, ’no, left a bit, right a bit more…THERE!’
On the night before Christmas, I lie in bed
The Mr Tumble theme tune stuck in my head.
When all I once I heard such a clatter,
I ran into the hall to see what was the matter.
“MUMMY, HAS SANTA CLAUS BEEN YET?
Is it too late to ask him for a pet?
Does he do dogs? Or perhaps a cat?
Can you call him now and ask him that?”
On the night before Christmas, kids back in bed
I finally lay down my heavy head.
When all at once I heard an almighty crash
So out of my bedroom I flew like a flash.
“FOR F**KS SAKE,” I whisper. “What. Is. Wrong?”
“MUMMY, mummy my drink is all gone!
Can I please have a biscuit too?
Also, I think I really need a POO!”
On the night before Christmas, I need some sleep!
Back into my bed I wearily creep,
Then just as my tired eyes start to close
Out on the lawn a loud noise arose.
“What now”’ I cry and to the window I dash
I open the curtain and throw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
Actual Father Christmas and his reindeer!
On the night before Christmas, I saw St Nick!
Or is my sleepy mind playing a trick?
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Excuse me,” I yelled at the man in red.
“I have just got my children back in bed,
I know you have to deliver all those toys
But do really have to make so much noise?”
On the night before Christmas, I could not sleep
So down the stairs I decided to creep,
I sneaked down the hall and turned around
And there was Santa not making a sound!
Tarnished in soot, and far from neat
(I really hope he has wiped his feet)
His cheeks glowed as he put down his sack
“Oh dear me,’ he groaned. “My poor old back!”
On the night before Christmas, I watched in glee
As Santa Claus put presents under the tree
“Excuse me,” I call over to the jolly old elf,
“Could I please get a photo of you and myself?”
A quick selfie later Santa nodded his head.
And I knew it was time to go back to bed.
Up the chimney he rose, than sprang to his sleigh
Where his reindeers were ready to fly him away.
Then I heard him whisper as he flew out of sight
“Happy Christmas to you, may you sleep well tonight!”
The End
Thank you all so much for reading! I wish you all a brilliant Christmas. May your sleep not be stolen and your shit not be lost!
If you want to read more about sleep and babies then check out my guide to sleep training or find out how to really and truly get your baby to sleep here. Feel free to join me and other tired parents on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.
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HOT NEWS: ANTITHESIS TO USELESS BABY SLEEP ADVICE ‘SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK’ OUT MAY 2017!! MORE DETAILS IN THE NEW YEAR!
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