Emily-Jane Clark's Blog, page 2
October 31, 2017
Sleep-deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired?
Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.
They are also symptoms of depression.
This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.
The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP!
I was that mother.
I felt awful after I had my first baby but as she woke up at least every half an hour during the night, I was convinced I was just really bloody tired.
I was bound to feel low, living on so little sleep, right?
People kept telling me I just ‘needed a good night’s rest’, but the thing was, even after I had managed to get some rest, I still felt exhausted, anxious and depressed.
By the time I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND), I was really unwell and I wished I had got help sooner.
When I had my second baby, I was sleep-deprived but fortunately, I did not have PND.
With two daughters under two I was still exhausted, anxious and depressed but it wasn’t as all-consuming and I could see beyond it. I didn’t feel so hopeless.
Although some traits of PND and sleep-deprivation are similar – my healthy mind and my unwell mind responded to those symptoms in very different ways.
Every single case of PND is very different, but this is how I could tell the difference:
PND VS SLEEP DEPRIVATION….(continued)..
Read the full article if you fancy it over at Metro UK.
THE BOOK: There is also a whole chapter on this in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How To survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The Fzzk To sleep. Hardback copy on Amazon for just £7.19 right now!
You can read my other Metro articles on everything from sleep and babies to sexual harassment and packaging over here…
The post Sleep-deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired? appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book
Sleep Is For The Weak is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…
I am not going to lie.
This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.
In fact, it won;t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.
But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to a travelling circus.
It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies.
So this book might make Supernanny throw herself off the naughty step and it may even cause Gina Ford to have contented kittens, but it might just help you survive the sleepless nights.
Combining some of my own experiences in emotive detail from Postnatal Depression and severe sleep-deprivation to accidentally being branded the Playgroup Pervert, with witty illustrations and a fair bit of sarcasm, this unique book will serve as a source of inspiration, laughter and hope for tired parents!
ORDER HERE Hard back copy just £7.19 today!
Alternatively, it is available from lots of lovely libraries and book shops!
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The post Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
October 18, 2017
An Idiot’s Guide To NOT Sexually Harassing Women
(Picture: Getty)
A shocking number of women are sharing their personal accounts of sexual abuse on social media under the #MeToo hashtag, which has (of course) led to some confusion among the usual idiots…
There appears to be some concern as to the difference between flirting and sexual harassment.
I would just like to clarify for the benefit of those idiots, that they are absolutely NOT the same. One is playful – the other is predatory. Put in simple terms – it is the difference between a cheeky wink and a dirty great grope.
You’d think it would be pretty simple NOT to be a pervert. The rule of thumb is basically:
“Do not touch a woman in a sexual way unless she says it is ok. Do not talk to a women in a sexual way unless she says it is ok.”
That really is all there is to it. But if you are still concerned you may accidentally sexually harass a woman then let me try and explain using cake.
The Cake Scenario
I am out one night and this bloke comes up to me and he’s got this great big chocolate cake in his hands. Then all of a sudden he takes a massive slice and shoves it right in my mouth.
So I’m like, “What the hell are you doing, mate?”
“Giving you some cake,” he says.
“But I didn’t ask for cake.” I tell him.
He then says, “You should be flattered that I want to give you cake.”
“Why would I be flattered that you think I am the kind of person who is happy to have cake forced on her in public?” I ask.
To which he then replied, “why, don’t you like cake?”
“That is not the point,” I tell him. “I like cake as much as anyone but I like to eat it on my terms.
“I don’t want to be forced to eat cake. I don’t want to be coerced into eating cake. I don’t want to be scared into eating cake.
“I want to choose where and when and with whom, I eat cake. That should be like, a standard human right.
“The thing is, this is my body and I, alone, get to decide what I do with it. It belongs to me and no one else and I do not want your fucking cake anywhere near it.”
There you have it. NOT being a pervert is a piece of cake.
So next time you approach a woman you find attractive, DO WHAT NORMAL NON-PERVERT MEN DO.
Don’t mention cake, even if you really want to give her some.
Don’t rub your cake against her or even talk about all the ways you’d like to have cake with her. Instead chat non-cake related stuff, maybe have a drink, swap numbers and if it all goes well, perhaps THEN politely let her know that there is cake on the table and you would like to share it with her, if she ever fancies it.
Basically, as a general rule of thumb; just keep your dirty great cake in it’s tin until someone asks for A SLICE.
You never know, one day- you might end up like these guys…
(Picture:Getty)
I WROTE A BOOK (it’s not about cake)
Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
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The post An Idiot’s Guide To NOT Sexually Harassing Women appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
October 11, 2017
A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes
(Picture: Getty)
A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)
LESSON 3: How to visit a new baby without being an arsehole
Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?
So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.
Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was!
Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).
Then there’s all the noise! That was almost enough to make me want to crawl back through mummy’s lush womb curtains.
Imagine going from hearing to nothing but the dulcet tones of a heart beat, perhaps the low hum of distant voices…to being surrounded by big fat shouty humans speaking at you in a language that you do not understand. IT IS WEIRD SHIT.
So when I arrived at the place my parents called ‘home’ for the first time I needed a bit of down time. The chance to get used to my new world in peace. But did I get it? No. I. Did. Not.
Instead, I was subjected to doors knocking, phones ringing, gadgets beeping, cooing, wooing, people sniffing me, prodding me, squeezing me, peepo-ing in my face and telling me I look like Uncle fucking Jack (Uncle Jack is an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver. I do NOT and never have looked like a an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver).
I don’t know why my parents let anyone come in. I blame Mary, myself. Poor baby Jesus, had quite literally just been born when she let the world, his wife and some random shepherds come for a visit! She set a precedent, right there. Idiot.
The thing is, even though mummy looked and felt like crap, she was getting up and down, making tea, answering doors, taking phone calls and handing out chocolate digestives like they were going out of fashion.
What she should have been doing is sitting on her SORE stitched-up arse as much as possible and resting BUT she didn’t because, as I may have mentioned, parents are idiots.
So if you have just had a baby — don’t be an idiot.
CHILL OUT. A baby is yours to keep forever. You have plenty of time to show your bundle of joy off to family, friends or random shepherds.
OK, OK, I know you’ll still get those arseholes visitors who won’t take no for an answer, but do not worry. For those people I have laid down a few ground rules. You’re welcome.
Dear arsehole visitors,
New parents are tired, overwhelmed and mostly just want to be left the hell alone.
However, if you must turn up to welcome their newborn into the world right THIS MINUTE please adhere to the following guidelines.
1. Visitors are not permitted to arrive unannounced
This will be treated as an act of pure evil.
2. Visitors are not permitted to ask questions
Will you be getting the baby christened? When will she go in her own room? Will you co-sleep? Will you use breast or bottle? When do you think you’ll go back to work?
New parents do not need this kind of interrogation. They are knackered! They can barely work out what they are having for breakfast, let alone which school they will send their child too.
3. Bring presents (for mummy)
Seriously, doesn’t the woman who just pushed a small human out of her vagina, deserve something? Perhaps champagne or a box of chocolates? The baby has basically sat on it’s arse for the past nine months. It literally got the gift of LIFE.
4. Visitors must not under any circumstances mention ‘sleep’
How is baby sleeping? Are you getting much sleep? Does baby sleep through yet?
NONE of these questions are acceptable. Babies sleep like babies — ie. waking up all the bloody time for food, comfort or a nappy change. So please take it as a given that most new parents aren’t sleeping. So don’t be a dick. Shut the hell up about sleep and make a damn coffee.
5. Make your own bloody tea
Unlike the newborn you have come to visit, you are quite capable of taking care of yourself so get off your pile-free bum and make everyone a cuppa. Better still, stop off at Costa on the way to save leaving any washing up.
6. Change a nappy
It is a shit job but someone’s got to do it and that someone is usually mummy or daddy so come on, it is YOUR turn.
7. Wash your hands
You may think you have clean hands until you meet the mother of a newborn.
BUT it is a real true fact that new mothers are highly adept in detecting dirt invisible to the naked eye. She is well aware that on every square centimetre of your hand there are 1,500 bacteria.
And the moment you touch her baby’s face or, god forbid, let the baby suck your finger (why?) – she can see all 50,000 of those germy little tossers wriggling off your hand and into her baby’s brand new little mouth.
CONCLUSION
You have just had an actual baby. You made a tiny human with your body. This is massive life changing stuff. You and your baby are physically and emotionally exhausted.
So take time to yourself to wear your dirty pyjamas and stumble about in the dark like a zombie.
Spend those first few weeks cherishing the nappy explosions, the sleepless nights and the endless vomiting.
Savour being able to swear out loud while baby is too young to understand without being frowned at by Great Aunt Joyce.
People will get that you need time to acclimatise to your new life as parents.
If they do not then they are arseholes and so you’ve got to ask yourself – do I want to be friends with arseholes? (The answer is no, by the way).
Join me next time for Lesson Number 4: Separation anxiety or where the hell did mummy go? Or Feel free to check out my other lessons in the series…
Lesson 1: How Babies Actually Work
Lesson 2: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb
THE BOOKCheck out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.
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The post A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
September 21, 2017
BREAKING NEWS: Self-Soothing is Bollocks
SELF-SOOTHING IS BOLLOCKS, SAYS BABY.
A BABY girl has claimed that self-soothing is total and utter bollocks.
Six-month-old Rosie Brown also stated that being ripped from a pleasantly warm bosom when she is on the verge of dozing off, to be put down ‘drowsy but awake’ is really fucking annoying.
Rosie said: “One minute I am snuggled up on mummy or daddy feeling all cosy then BAM, I am shoved into what I can only describe as a wooden prison of DOOM. So of course, then I am way too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night.”
“I remember this one night I cried and nobody came to get me for ages and I heard mummy say, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep.’
“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.”
“Rosie’s mum said: “I don’t get it. The baby experts say she should be sleeping while drowsy and awake after self-settling into a consistent routine…or she will turn into an obese dragon or something.
Fuck knows. I’m so tired.”
THE BOOKCheck out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..
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The post BREAKING NEWS: Self-Soothing is Bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
July 30, 2017
Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays
Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The good news….
It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.
2) The bad news…
It is the summer holidays so no school for six weeks…
I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet. However, it is only Day five.
Here is one thing i have learnt his week
Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..
[image error]ME: Right, you go first!
4YO: Who are you?
ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.
4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?
ME: No.
4YO: Are you a banana?
ME: NO! I am somebody from the pictures on your board?
4YO: *shoves her card in my face* Are you this one?
ME: No that is your card! You are not supposed to show me that. I have to guess…FFS!!!! Here have another card, DO NOT show me who it is this time. Now ask a few questions before you guess.. like have you got blonde hair?
4YO: Are you Donald Trump?
ME: NO! I am somebody from the bloody board! We have been through this!! See all those faces in front of you, I have one of them on my card?
4YO: Oh, who?
ME: YOU. HAVE. TO. GUESS. WHO!
4YO: Why?
ME: Because that is that game. IT IS GUESS WHO SO YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHO I HAVE ON MY CARD
4YO: Why can’t you just tell me?
ME: BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW THE BLOODY GAME WORKS! YOU GUESS WHO IS ON MY CARD!
4YO: That’s stupid.
ME: Fine. Tell you what let’s play a new game called Don’t Guess Who. Here is my card. I am Hans. Now who is on your card?
4YO: You have to guess.
ME: Ok, fine. *Deep breath* Fine. OK, do you have a hat?
4YO: Guess.
ME: Fine. You have a hat???
4YO: Not telling you.
ME: Are you a man?
4YO: Maybe.
ME: YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YES OR NO!
4YO: You said it was a guessing game, mummy.
ME: It is, but you ask for clues then make your guess! NOW DO YOU HAVE A MOTHERFRICKING HAT?
4YO: Do you have a hat?
ME: We have done mine – remember I was Hans.
4YO: Yay! So I won!!
ME: YES, WHATEVER YOU WON , I LOST. I DON’T CARE ANY MORE.
4YO: Hooray! Can we play again?
ME: *POURING A LARGE GLASS OF WINE* Guess?
So if anyone can recommend a board game that doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the face please let me know!
3) The other news…
Drowsy but awake is bollocks, says baby
A BABY has claimed that advice such as ‘put your child down drowsy but awake’ is a pile of wank written by twats who have no idea how babies actually work.
Six-month-old Rosie went on to state that being ripped from her mother’s pleasantly warm bosom when she is on the verge of dozing off is really fucking annoying.
Rosie said: “One minute I am snuggled up on my mummy or daddy feeling all sleepy then BAM, I am shoved into what I can only describe as a wooden prison of hell. So of course, then I am way too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night.”
“And don’t even get me started on sleep training! One night I cried and nobody came because according to mummy, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep’.
“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.”
Rosie’s dad said: “That cot cost us £500 and took me three hours to put together. Yet, she has slept in it twice!
‘The problem is that she looks so adorable when she is lying on my chest. So before I know it I’m cherishing that damn special moment for so long that she falls fast asleep.”
I am writing stuff for satire news site Daily Mash now which is so much fun…check it out…
4) Stuff to do with the kids this summer that won’t bore you shitless
I hate the park. I hate doing crafts. I hate baking. I hate the soft play centre.
Of course, I do these things (Angel Delight counts as baking, right?) because it makes my children happy and I love them being happy but that does’t make me ENJOY doing the actual thing.
So when I find something that make the kids happy AND doesn’t bore me shitless I get quite excited and feel the need to write about it.
We recently took a trip to Snozone – an indoor ski slope with real snow in Milton Keynes. We had an hour long family ski lesson followed by sledging and we ALL loved it.
We had a brilliant (and very patient) instructor Joshua, who got the kids actually ski-ing a little in one hour. He even managed to get my husband to ski a bit without falling over, which, if you had seen my husband at the beginning you’d see what a great achievement this was!!
Following this, we had some hot chocolate before embarking on some sledging which was really fast but really good fun.
So there you are. Go hit the slopes. Snozone provide all the gear- you will just need coats and gloves and I recommend warm socks.
5) Night shift read of the week
My youngest Sleep Thief starts school in September. I am not sure how I feel about it yet. While I am happy to have more time to write and work, I am sad because I will miss having small people around during the week. Which is probably why this article made me cry..
“It happened just like that.
The first six weeks of his life were an entire lifetime in and of themselves. Every second of every day was full, overflowing with effort and sweat and emotions and the searing desperation that comes with sleep deprivation.”
6) Going Out Out
Now I am no longer severely sleep-deprived in charge of babies I occasionally get to go OUT OUT! (basically the ‘this too will pass ‘ people were flipping right). However, I don’t often venture too far because I occasionally get a bit panicky about going to places my Anxiety likes to call, ‘BIG ZONES OF DANGER’. But I recently went to watch Great British Mysteries? a live mockumentary adventure investigating monsters, myths by Rose Robinson and Will Close. Check them out in Edinburgh if you are heading that way. They are bloody hilarious and well worth the ‘trauma’ of travelling to the Danger Zone, alone at night.
7) This book…
The Cows by Dawn O Porter is one of those books that inspire me to be a better writer. It is so good i actually put off getting to the end as I didn’t want it to be over (yes, I am a sad bookworm).
It tells the story of Tara, Cam and Stella, three strangers living their own lives as best they can despite not conforming to what society expects of them.
A crazy event ties invisible bonds of friendship between them when one woman’s excruciating catastrophe becomes another’s inspiration, and a life lesson to all.
This book is totally different from anything I have ever read and inspires you to speak up, stand out and sod what everyone else thinks.
8) To watch if the kids leave you the hell alone…
I have never been into wrestling so I did NOT think I was going to like Glow – a current Netflix show based on the true story of a troupe of women wrestlers in the 1980s. However, the script, characters and humour hooked me from about episode two. In fact, it has made me really quite fancy the idea of being a wrestler… The Sleepless Slayer perhaps???
9) And finally this….
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has left me a book review for Sleep is for the Weak. I really do appreciate it – especially as i know most of you are tired and busy taking care of babies so THANK YOU. If anyone has read my book and liked it please please leave me a review here and make me look popular!! It would be a great help.
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Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..
The post Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
July 18, 2017
A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES
Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb
The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”
What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.
This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.
Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.
Put me down and you will regret it
The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside). We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.
She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.
Who is the daddy?
I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’
So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.
He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.
This is all newborns know about daddies:
a) They get stuff for mummy.
b) They take us from mummy.
c) We haven’t lived inside them.
So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust someone they haven’t seen the inside of.
Conclusion
What new babies actually need:
1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World
2) To get to know Mummy from the outside
3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer
4) Milk
What new parents actually need:
1) Sleep
So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family. You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.
GO HOME.
Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.
Forget the arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.
Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.
Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3: Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby
You can also read part 1 of this series right here…
THE BOOKCheck out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..
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The post A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
Parenting For Idiots: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb
Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb
The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”
What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.
This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.
Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.
Put me down and you will regret it
The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside). We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.
She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.
Who is the daddy?
I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’
So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.
He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.
This is all newborns know about daddies:
a) They get stuff for mummy.
b) They take us from mummy.
c) We haven’t lived inside them.
So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust someone they haven’t seen the inside of.
Conclusion
What new babies actually need:
1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World
2) To get to know Mummy from the outside
3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer
4) Milk
What new parents actually need:
1) Sleep
So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family. You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.
GO HOME.
Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.
Forget the arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.
Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.
Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3: Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby
THE BOOKCheck out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
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The post Parenting For Idiots: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
June 20, 2017
How Babies Actually Work
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIESLESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.
They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to..
Ok, sure, sometimes we are teething, have wind, reflux or feel a bit peckish but a lot of the time we wake up because we don’t want to be asleep. We want to see mummy and daddy to check they’re like, still alive and stuff.
So next time your baby wakes up at night (sleep is for the weak) consider these things:
Teething…
Parents love to blame stuff on teething. My mummy often tells people I am teething when really I am just being a dick.
If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I am teething I would have 6,908 teeth. I have four. You do the maths.
So when I wake up at night – Daddy and Mummy often spend hours having the ‘is she teething’ discussion. And then they wonder why they’re tired in the morning! I don’t mind though as it always means I end up getting a spoonful of delicious sweet pink stuff ‘just in case’.
Hunger…
Many parents believe that milk is key to getting a baby to sleep. While it is key to getting us to shut the fuck up it might not necessarily make us fall asleep.
Therefore, in the hope we’ll be so full up we will sleep all night long, they feed us loads all day, before bedtime, during bedtime, do a ‘dream feed’ (which is a bit like someone sticking a sandwich in your face when you are having a nap).
However, the only way to guarantee milk will make us sleep is to slip some whisky in it.
Separation Anxiety….
Parents often believe that babies cry at night because they need to be with them 24 hours a day. (Bless..) But sometimes we are just bored shitless. It’s not like we can read a book or go clubbing Crying is all we got.
And the only people who can provide company or a slither of entertainment during the twilight hours are our grown ups.
So we stick our bottom lip out, hold our arms up and scream and we get a grown up to play with in no time.
Don’t be an idiot…
Right, I’m just going to say it. Parents. Are. Idiots.
For example, this one night I woke up at 4am.
It was dark, I was alone, a bit scared and I really fancied a cuddle (hey, I am a baby for god’s sake). So I did a little cry, all confident Mummy or Daddy would come and deliver a hug and make me feel better.
But… They. Did. Not. Come.
I kid you not, people. Lots of time passed, then lots more time but there was still no sign of my parents. So then I started getting upset for real.
What if they have gone forever? I thought. What if they are DEAD? What if they have run away?
By this time I was actually hysterical. Well, wouldn’t you be? As far as I was concerned, I was now an orphan who was going to be trapped in a cot prison forever, drenched in my own faeces and urine. The nappy rash alone would be hell.
Thankfully, a few seconds later my parents burst into my room looking like hell! I think Mummy had been crying.
Oh man, what’s happened to them? I thought. It must be something bad, really bad.
Then her and daddy started shouting at each other. Daddy was saying something about mummy ‘making a rod for her own back’. (Which if you ask me, sounds like a really weird thing to be doing at 4am. What is a back rod anyway? Grown ups are odd).
Anyway, then they start saying it is all their fault that I don’t sleep through the night because they always comfort me when I wake up.
BUT I WAKE UP BECAUSE I NEED COMFORT! I want to yell at them but I can’t on account of being a baby so I have to go with WAAAAAAH instead.
A quick memo about night wakings for idiot parents
Where was I? Oh right, so at this point things got really heated.
Mummy starts saying naughty words about someone called Gina Fucking Ford while Daddy looks at his handheld information finder thingy.
“Here,” he announced triumphantly. “Google says babies should be taught to Self Soothe and what’s more, they should always be put down in their cot when they are drowsy but awake.”
I have no idea who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.
So then Daddy started doing this really strange thing where he would give me a lovely snuggly cuddle but just as I got all comfy and drowsy, he’d pull me off him and place me in the cold, dark cot prison. Then he’d look all surprised when I screamed my head off. Like I am the weirdo!
He does this about five times until it is actually time for my feed so mummy gives me some milk and he goes back to bed muttering something about ‘ME keeping HIM up all night’
ME? That’s rich. I just wanted a little cuddle and they bring all this shit to my door.
CONCLUSION
Parents, do not be idiots. Give your baby what he wants. Even if what he wants is just you. It is not like it will last forever or even for very long. Just until he realises that Outside The Womb is not as scary as shit after all.
Join us next week for Lesson Number 2: Life On The Outside : A Baby’s Guide
THE BOOKCheck out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..
Subscribe to Blog via Email
Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Email Address
The post How Babies Actually Work appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
Parenting For Idiots: How Babies Actually Work
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIESLESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.
They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to..
Ok, sure, sometimes we are teething, have wind, reflux or feel a bit peckish but a lot of the time we wake up because we don’t want to be asleep. We want to see mummy and daddy to check they’re like, still alive and stuff.
So next time your baby wakes up at night (sleep is for the weak) consider these things:
Teething…
Parents love to blame stuff on teething. My mummy often tells people I am teething when really I am just being a dick.
If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I am teething I would have 6,908 teeth. I have four. You do the maths.
So when I wake up at night – Daddy and Mummy often spend hours having the ‘is she teething’ discussion. And then they wonder why they’re tired in the morning! I don’t mind though as it always means I end up getting a spoonful of delicious sweet pink stuff ‘just in case’.
Hunger…
Many parents believe that milk is key to getting a baby to sleep. While it is key to getting us to shut the fuck up it might not necessarily make us fall asleep.
Therefore, in the hope we’ll be so full up we will sleep all night long, they feed us loads all day, before bedtime, during bedtime, do a ‘dream feed’ (which is a bit like someone sticking a sandwich in your face when you are having a nap).
However, the only way to guarantee milk will make us sleep is to slip some whisky in it.
Separation Anxiety….
Parents often believe that babies cry at night because they need to be with them 24 hours a day. (Bless..) But sometimes we are just bored shitless. It’s not like we can read a book or go clubbing Crying is all we got.
And the only people who can provide company or a slither of entertainment during the twilight hours are our grown ups.
So we stick our bottom lip out, hold our arms up and scream and we get a grown up to play with in no time.
Don’t be an idiot…
Right, I’m just going to say it. Parents. Are. Idiots.
For example, this one night I woke up at 4am.
It was dark, I was alone, a bit scared and I really fancied a cuddle (hey, I am a baby for god’s sake). So I did a little cry, all confident Mummy or Daddy would come and deliver a hug and make me feel better.
But… They. Did. Not. Come.
I kid you not, people. Lots of time passed, then lots more time but there was still no sign of my parents. So then I started getting upset for real.
What if they have gone forever? I thought. What if they are DEAD? What if they have run away?
By this time I was actually hysterical. Well, wouldn’t you be? As far as I was concerned, I was now an orphan who was going to be trapped in a cot prison forever, drenched in my own faeces and urine. The nappy rash alone would be hell.
Thankfully, a few seconds later my parents burst into my room looking like hell! I think Mummy had been crying.
Oh man, what’s happened to them? I thought. It must be something bad, really bad.
Then her and daddy started shouting at each other. Daddy was saying something about mummy ‘making a rod for her own back’. (Which if you ask me, sounds like a really weird thing to be doing at 4am. What is a back rod anyway? Grown ups are odd).
Anyway, then they start saying it is all their fault that I don’t sleep through the night because they always comfort me when I wake up.
BUT I WAKE UP BECAUSE I NEED COMFORT! I want to yell at them but I can’t on account of being a baby so I have to go with WAAAAAAH instead.
A quick memo about night wakings for idiot parents
Where was I? Oh right, so at this point things got really heated.
Mummy starts saying naughty words about someone called Gina Fucking Ford while Daddy looks at his handheld information finder thingy.
“Here,” he announced triumphantly. “Google says babies should be taught to Self Soothe and what’s more, they should always be put down in their cot when they are drowsy but awake.”
I have no idea who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.
So then Daddy started doing this really strange thing where he would give me a lovely snuggly cuddle but just as I got all comfy and drowsy, he’d pull me off him and place me in the cold, dark cot prison. Then he’d look all surprised when I screamed my head off. Like I am the weirdo!
He does this about five times until it is actually time for my feed so mummy gives me some milk and he goes back to bed muttering something about ‘ME keeping HIM up all night’
ME? That’s rich. I just wanted a little cuddle and they bring all this shit to my door.
CONCLUSION
Parents, do not be idiots. Give your baby what he wants. Even if what he wants is just you. It is not like it will last forever or even for very long. Just until he realises that Outside The Womb is not as scary as shit after all.
Join us next week for Lesson Number 2: Life On The Outside : A Baby’s Guide
THE BOOKCheck out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..
Subscribe to Blog via Email
Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Email Address
The post Parenting For Idiots: How Babies Actually Work appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
