Emily-Jane Clark's Blog, page 3
June 20, 2017
An Idiot’s Guide To Parenting: How Babies Actually Work
LESSON 1: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO LIFE OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.
They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to..
Ok, sure, sometimes we are teething, have wind, reflux or feel a bit peckish but a lot of the time we wake up because we don’t want to be asleep. We want to see mummy and daddy to check they’re like, still alive and stuff.
So next time your baby wakes up at night (sleep is for the weak) consider these things:
Teething…
Parents love to blame stuff on teething. My mummy often tells people I am teething when really I am just being a dick.
If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I am teething I would have 6,908 teeth. I have four. You do the maths.
So when I wake up at night – Daddy and Mummy often spend hours having the ‘is she teething’ discussion. And then they wonder why they’re tired in the morning! I don’t mind though as it always means I end up getting a spoonful of delicious sweet pink stuff ‘just in case’.
Hunger…
Many parents believe that milk is key to getting a baby to sleep. While it is key to getting us to shut the fuck up it might not necessarily make us fall asleep.
Therefore, in the hope we’ll be so full up we will sleep all night long, they feed us loads all day, before bedtime, during bedtime, do a ‘dream feed’ (which is a bit like someone sticking a sandwich in your face when you are having a nap).
However, the only way to guarantee milk will make us sleep is to slip some whisky in it.
Separation Anxiety….
Parents often believe that babies cry at night because they need to be with them 24 hours a day. (Bless..) But sometimes we are just bored shitless. It’s not like we can read a book or go clubbing Crying is all we got.
And the only people who can provide company or a slither of entertainment during the twilight hours are our grown ups.
So we stick our bottom lip out, hold our arms up and scream and we get a grown up to play with in no time.
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Don’t be an idiot…
Right, I’m just going to say it. Parents. Are. Idiots.
For example, this one night I woke up at 4am.
It was dark, I was alone, a bit scared and I really fancied a cuddle (hey, I am a baby for god’s sake). So I did a little cry, all confident Mummy or Daddy would come and deliver a hug and make me feel better.
But… They. Did. Not. Come.
I kid you not, people. Lots of time passed, then lots more time but there was still no sign of my parents. So then I started getting upset for real.
What if they have gone forever? I thought. What if they are DEAD? What if they have run away?
By this time I was actually hysterical. Well, wouldn’t you be? As far as I was concerned, I was now an orphan who was going to be trapped in a cot prison forever, drenched in my own faeces and urine. The nappy rash alone would be hell.
Thankfully, a few seconds later my parents burst into my room looking like hell! I think Mummy had been crying.
Oh man, what’s happened to them? I thought. It must be something bad, really bad.
Then her and daddy started shouting at each other. Daddy was saying something about mummy ‘making a rod for her own back’. (Which if you ask me, sounds like a really weird thing to be doing at 4am. What is a back rod anyway? Grown ups are odd).
Anyway, then they start saying it is all their fault that I don’t sleep through the night because they always comfort me when I wake up.
BUT I WAKE UP BECAUSE I NEED COMFORT! I want to yell at them but I can’t on account of being a baby so I have to go with WAAAAAAH instead.
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A quick memo about night wakings for idiot parents
Where was I? Oh right, so at this point things got really heated.
Mummy starts saying naughty words about someone called Gina Fucking Ford while Daddy looks at his handheld information finder thingy.
“Here,” he announced triumphantly. “Google says babies should be taught to Self Soothe and what’s more, they should always be put down in their cot when they are drowsy but awake.”
I have no idea who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.
So then Daddy started doing this really strange thing where he would give me a lovely snuggly cuddle but just as I got all comfy and drowsy, he’d pull me off him and place me in the cold, dark cot prison. Then he’d look all surprised when I screamed my head off. Like I am the weirdo!
He does this about five times until it is actually time for my feed so mummy gives me some milk and he goes back to bed muttering something about ‘ME keeping HIM up all night’
ME? That’s rich. I just wanted a little cuddle and they bring all this shit to my door.
So parents, do not be idiots. Give your baby what he wants. Even if what he wants is just you. It is not like it will last forever or even for very long. Just until he realises that Outside The Womb is not as scary as shit after all.
Join us next week for Lesson Number 2: How to keep yourself entertained, hygienic and hydrated when your baby will not let you put her down
[image error]THE BOOK
Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
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The post An Idiot’s Guide To Parenting: How Babies Actually Work appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
June 8, 2017
Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The Good news….
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
2) And the bad news…
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
I have to confess, I don’t know a great deal about politics. It is a pretty feeble excuse but but as a mum of two small children, juggling work and ALL the laundry, I don’t have a lot of time to watch the political debates and even when I do, the dulcet tones of Andrew Marr and Jeremy Paxman are often drowned out by small people shouting at each other about who had what toy first.
So, most of my of my political knowledge comes from BBC breakfast, online newspapers, radio (Yep I am that old) and articles shared on my Facebook Newsfeed.
However, this is not to say I don’t CARE about politics. I care about creating a safer and more secure future for my children.
I am passionate about making this country a great and fair place to live for EVERYONE, whether you are rich, poor, black, white, disabled, mentally ill, male, female, British, non-British, gay or straight.
I would like a Government who cares about the ‘ordinary’ people. A leader who will make education, healthcare, mental health and family welfare a priority. A party who will put our children first because they are the future.
I want a Prime Minister who will run this country with kindness.
Somebody strong, but also kind, clever and fair. A cross between JK Rowling, Russell Brand and Adele, perhaps? Now, Jeremy Corbyn may not be exactly that but he is the closest thing we have to it at the moment so I voted Labour. Anyway, that’s my very mild political rant done…
3) My Sleep Thief Survivor Story…
Four years, two babies, six million sleepless nights and thousands of cups of coffee and I am getting some sleep. Ok, so Mumsomnia can be pretty crappy, bedtime is still a bit of a battle and my youngest Sleep Thief always ends up in my bed BUT- seriously, this is BLISS compared to the old days. So anyway, you can read about what happened when I polished my turd of tiredness over at Metro.
4) This night feed read…
The One by John Marrs
This brilliantly entertaining book asks the question, “How far would you go to find the ONE?”
In this story, one simple mouth swab and a quick DNA test and you can find your perfect partner – the one you’re genetically made for. And for just £10 you can have their contact details!
This tells the story of five people who meet their match but with shocking consequences.
I loved this book because it made me wonder whether I would take the test? What if i did and the ‘Match’ was not my husband? I still can’t decide? Would you?
5) This thing i am worried about…I have been really struggling to write funny stuff after all the sad and tragic terror attacks.
It got me thinking about my daughters and being torn between wanting to keep them safe and wanting them to live, full and exciting lives.
So I wrote this with tears in my eyes..
6) This blog…
Mummy’s Perfect World takes gives us a glimpse into the life of Sally – wannabe top blogger and a perfect mum of two young children, who has a devoted husband and a constant drive to be exceptional in everything she does. She’s basically a bit of a dick. But her blog, in which she covers all the big issues like ‘where is all the hummus?’ and ‘Tinder for Tots’ is comedy gold.
7) This You Tube channel
Kaneing – Russell Kane’s series of hilarious rants about everything from politics to Kanye West’s bum hole is my new favourite procrastination.
7) Wineglasses that fit in your pocket are a thing…
These silicone glasses that slip into your pocket will certainly make getting a bit pissed on park play dates a tempting option…
9) This Netflix show…
We are currently addicted to Master of None – the Emmy-Award winning Netflix show by comedian Aziz Ansari and his co-writer Alan Yang. Ansari plays Dev, a 30 year-old actor, living in New York City. All the characters are really funny and unique and you will find yourself invested in them all by episode two. I have written this description three times but I can’t seem to sum it up without making it sounds rubbish. Just trust me – it is brilliantly witty, clever and really very sweet.
10) And finally this….
A Tried and tested method from Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZK to sleep – you can now read a few sample pages on Amazon..
Feel free to join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more Baby-Trapped and other stuff like this using the form below..
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Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..
The post Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
Baby-Trapped: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift
[image error]
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The Good news….
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
2) And the bad news…
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
I have to confess, I don’t know a great deal about politics. It is a pretty feeble excuse but but as a mum of two small children, juggling work and ALL the laundry, I don’t have a lot of time to watch the political debates and even when I do, the dulcet tones of Andrew Marr and Jeremy Paxman are often drowned out by small people shouting at each other about who had what toy first.
So, most of my of my political knowledge comes from BBC breakfast, online newspapers, radio (Yep I am that old) and articles shared on my Facebook Newsfeed.
However, this is not to say I don’t CARE about politics. I care about creating a safer and more secure future for my children.
I am passionate about making this country a great and fair place to live for EVERYONE, whether you are rich, poor, black, white, disabled, mentally ill, male, female, British, non-British, gay or straight.
I would like a Government who cares about the ‘ordinary’ people. A leader who will make education, healthcare, mental health and family welfare a priority. A party who will put our children first because they are the future.
I want a Prime Minister who will run this country with kindness.
Somebody strong, but also kind, clever and fair. A cross between JK Rowling, Russell Brand and Adele, perhaps? Now, Jeremy Corbyn may not be exactly that but he is the closest thing we have to it at the moment so I voted Labour. Anyway, that’s my very mild political rant done…
3) My Sleep Thief Survivor Story…
Four years, two babies, six million sleepless nights and thousands of cups of coffee and I am getting some sleep. Ok, so Mumsomnia can be pretty crappy, bedtime is still a bit of a battle and my youngest Sleep Thief always ends up in my bed BUT- seriously, this is BLISS compared to the old days. So anyway, you can read about what happened when I polished my turd of tiredness over at Metro.
4) This book…
[image error] The One by John Marrs
This brilliantly entertaining book asks the question, “How far would you go to find the ONE?”
In this story, one simple mouth swab and a quick DNA test and you can find your perfect partner – the one you’re genetically made for. And for just £10 you can have their contact details!
This tells the story of five people who meet their match but with shocking consequences.
I loved this book because it made me wonder whether I would take the test? What if i did and the ‘Match’ was not my husband? I still can’t decide? Would you?
[image error]5) This made me cry…
I have been really struggling to write funny stuff after all the sad and tragic terror attacks.
It got me thinking about my daughters and being torn between wanting to keep them safe and wanting them to live, full and exciting lives.
So I wrote this with tears in my eyes..
6) This blog…
Mummy’s Perfect World takes gives us a glimpse into the life of Sally – wannabe top blogger and a perfect mum of two young children, who has a devoted husband and a constant drive to be exceptional in everything she does. She’s basically a bit of a dick. But her blog, in which she covers all the big issues like ‘where is all the hummus?’ and ‘Tinder for Tots’ is comedy gold.
7) This You Tube channel
Kaneing – Russell Kane’s series of hilarious rants about everything from politics to Kanye West’s bum hole is my new favourite procrastination.
7) Wineglasses that fit in your pocket are a thing…
These silicone glasses that slip into your pocket will certainly make getting a bit pissed on park play dates a tempting option…
[image error]
9) This Netflix show…
We are currently addicted to Master of None – the Emmy-Award winning Netflix show by comedian Aziz Ansari and his co-writer Alan Yang. Ansari plays Dev, a 30 year-old actor, living in New York City. All the characters are really funny and unique and you will find yourself invested in them all by episode two. I have written this description three times but I can’t seem to sum it up without making it sounds rubbish. Just trust me – it is brilliantly witty, clever and really very sweet.
10) And finally this….
A Tried and tested method from Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZK to sleep – you can now read a few sample pages on Amazon..[image error]
Feel free to join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more Baby-Trapped and other stuff like this using the form below..
Subscribe to Blog via Email
Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Email Address
Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..
The post Baby-Trapped: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
May 21, 2017
How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids
Trying to look all professional and authory
Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!
So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!
So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.
Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear:
1. Get drunk before you make your speech
I am crap at public speaking. So much so I went with my daughter’s advice which was ‘just say fart mummy, everyone laughs at farts.’ I also forgot the amazing First Book Launch Speech stuff I have been rehearsing in my mirror since I was about 9-years-old. I think the mistake I made was ‘trying not to drink too much’ beforehand in case I ended up looking like a drunken idiot. However, in hindsight, a drunken idiot would have been better than just an idiot.
[image error][image error]
2. Do not bring your kids or if you do, do not expect them to STFU during your speech
Kids do not give a crap about it being a very important day in your life and will STILL nag you for £1.50 for bloody Waterstones toys when you are attempting to make a speech. They will also scribble on your book and ask you to take them to the toilet every five minutes.
3. Invite bloody lovely people
As well as the family and friends I got to come along by promising them free booze, I was so pleased to meet a few actual sleep-deprived mums who follow me on Facebook. They were just as funny and lovely as I had imagined them to be! I also met the gorgeous Beth from Little Dot Company who made my goody bags. She came along with some of her Sleep is for the Weak merch and she was so lovely most of my friends are now a bit in love with her now! And the awesome illustrator Lorna Cowley also came along to sign some books and bring an element of youthful cool to the event!
BUT the best thing about inviting bloody lovely people is that they helped to raise some money for Home-Start South Leicestershire! Home-Start supported me through my dark days of postnatal depression and I just felt I wanted to give them (a very very little) something back.
So anyway, I did it. I hosted my first book launch. My dream came true. Ok, so in my actual ‘dream’ things went far more smoothly, I made a funny but poignant speech, the kids were angels and I was cool, calm and confident throughout…but what would have been the fun in that?
Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzzk to sleep is available on Amazon now!!
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Thank you to everyone who featured in the goody bags Nibbling UK, Nom Nom Kids, Little Dot, Freyda’s Pantry, Well Roasted Coffee and thanks to those who donated to the prize draw Two Birds Spirits, The Kitchen Range Cook Shop, Jojo Maman Bebe and Mums Back.
The post How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
May 4, 2017
Tired Mum Versus Google…
[image error]TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’
TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?
GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.
TIRED MUM: Oh god!
GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.
TIRED MUM: Anything else?
GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…
TIRED MUM: OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: Get some sleep.
TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!
GOOGLE: Mothers are advised to sleep when the baby sleeps.
TIRED MUM: But my baby does not sleep! That is the point!
GOOGLE: The recommended amount of sleep for young babies is 16 to 18 hours a day.
TIRED MUM: WHAT? But my baby doesn’t sleep that much!! Google, what will happen to my baby if she does not sleep 18 hours a day?
GOOGLE: Poor sleep can effect a child’s development, it can lead to learning disabilities, poor social skills and anxiety.
TIRED MUM: Oh god, anything else?
GOOGLE: Oh and they’ll probably be obese.
TIRED MUM: Oh no! So we are both fucked! Fucked and fat is all we have to look forward to. So what can I do about it? Google, how do I get my baby to sleep?
GOOGLE: Always ensure that your bedtime routine is quiet and calm.
TIRED MUM: Seriously Google? I’m not an idiot. What the hell do you think I do? Play her Rage Against The Machine?
GOOGLE: Parents are advised to put a baby down in the cot drowsy but awake.
TIRED MUM: Piss off Google.
GOOGLE: Do not rock, feed or sing your baby to sleep and allow them to fall asleep alone.
TIRED MUM: BUT SHE WON’T SLEEP ALONE THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU? Google, how do I make my baby fall asleep alone?
GOOGLE: Many parents opt to let their baby Cry It Out….
TIRED MUM: No. I quite like my baby. Google, when do babies sleep through the night?
GOOGLE: Most babies sleep through the night by six months old.
TIRED MUM: MOST babies, really? Oh god! OK, Google, so if they are six months and still don’t sleep, what should I do? What if the baby sleep methods in the books don’t work on your baby? What if your baby will only sleep ON you? How can I stop feeling like a failure because I can’t get my baby to sleep for longer than an hour at a time? Is she evil or perhaps she is sick? Is it all my fault? How come other babies sleep and mine doesn’t? How do I avoid punching people who tell me about their Sleeping Angel Babies? How do I not kill my husband when I look at his stupid snoring face in the middle of the night? Will I ever have sex again? Are there any benefits to NOT sleeping? How do I know if I am depressed or just really bloody tired? How can I look after a baby when I feel too tired to look after a baby? HOW DO YOU SURVIVE WHEN YOUR BABY WONT GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP?
GOOGLE: I am SO glad you asked. You will find the answer to all of those questions in Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fuck to sleep, a brand new book by Emily-Jane Clark. Available on May 18th from all good book shops or pre-order at Amazon right now…quick before your baby wakes up.
See what I did there?
“Google, can you die of sleep deprivation? I bloody well hope so hope so because I am tired and I heard that you SLEEP when you’re dead…”
So, I am supposed to be promoting my book. I am not very good at it. It makes me feel like a big show off. BUT the thing is, I genuinely want tired parents to read it! Not just to make me mega rich (which is not likely unless I sell billions and billions) and not just to become top of the Amazon bestseller list (although, that would be SO COOL) but because I think it will help people feel a bit better. And also well, what is the point of writing a book that no one will read?
I had two sleep-hating babies in quick succession, so I experienced severe sleep-deprivation for four long years, so I know just how hard it is. It took it’s toll on my mental health, my work, my marriage and my self esteem. During this time, I found countless books and websites on HOW to get your baby to sleep but nothing that told me how to cope IF you had followed all the advice in all the stupid books and on all the internets in all the world but your baby still would not sleep. There was nothing that told me how I could NOT sleep through the night successfully. So one night I had an idea…
[image error]“I shall write a book!” I thought one night in the kind of sleep-deprived state where you feel a bit drunk. I had hit the wall head first and it had made me a little delirious. “I shall write the book that will stop exhausted parents feeling like they are doing something wrong! I shall pen the words that will change the way we feel about baby sleep forever! I shall bring laughter into the home of the unwashed and the infant-induced infirm. Bad sleepers are the new good babies! I SHALL BE THE SAVIOUR OF THE SLEEP DEPRIVED.” (Idiot. Did I mention I felt drunk at this point?)
However, the next day I was way too tired to write a book. And the day after that…and the day after that..until I realised that I was probably always going to be too tired to write a book so in the same way I managed to take care of a baby when I was too tired to take care of a baby, I went and wrote a bloody book.
100% of babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do but do NOT sweat it because 100% of babies sleep through the night (eventually).
So there you have it. I had babies and was really tired, so I wrote a book about having babies and being really tired (that sounds rubbish -I would never get a job in PR).
Thank you…
I would like to thank you all of YOU because I could not have got to this point without the people i have connected with through this blog and Facebook page. You made me realise that actually Google is a lying twat because MOST babies do not actually sleep though the night by six months. You made me laugh and feel better about my own sleep-deprived parenting. You inspired me to write this book so I owe you all a drink. [image error]or until i am rich, a wine emoji thingy.
Before I go a quick reminder that..
IT IS ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL PUBLICATION!! Sleep is for the Weak : How to survive when your baby won’t go the fuck to sleep is out on May 18th 2017.
The post Tired Mum Versus Google… appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
March 27, 2017
SURVIVOR STORY: From sleepless nights to social enterprise
In this latest Sleep Thief Survivor story, mother-of-two Sally Bunkham tells us how her experience of postnatal depression inspired her to launch a social enterprise mumsback.com. The company provides hampers for new mums containing all the things they can’t have while pregnant and £1 from each one sold goes to the postnatal illness support charity the PANDAS Foundation.
This is Sally’s story:[image error]
“I cannot believe I have reached the point where I am considered a “survivor”, but it’s true, I really am! I never thought I’d make it.
“Motherhood began in a whirlwind for me, and never really slowed down. My first daughter, Daisy, was born 4 weeks early back in summer 2014. She was a tiny, helpless, beautiful surprise and motherhood hit me like a tonne of bricks. I found breastfeeding really difficult. A long battle & gruelling routine ensued of trying to latch, pump, sterilise bottles and make formula, whilst also trying to eat and sleep. It was hellish. I was finally diagnosed with a medical condition that concluded I was only able to produce a few drops of milk. That hit me really hard. I cried. A lot. It was exhausting. But once over that on we plodded as a new little family. Daisy was a very average sleeper, but we were getting by in a daze. We were high on the “new parents” adrenalin.
“Then, a couple of months later we discovered I was pregnant again. Massive oops! Now without going into too much detail, it was a big shock for a reason. On paper that should not have happened! The chances were VERY slim. But hey ho, on we went. We were ok, we’ll deal with this, we thought. I was really scared. I could barely cope with 1 child, how on earth would I cope with 2?
“I’d love to say that my fears were unfounded, but that would be a big fat lie. Ruby was born bang on her due date, 12 days after Daisy’s 1st birthday. Ruby began life as an average newborn. She wasn’t premature like Daisy, so could go longer in between feeds, and now I had the feeding thing down, it wasn’t too bad.
“Trouble brewed at around 4/5 months when Ruby suddenly seemed to develop terrible digestive issues. It seemed to tie in with the rotavirus oral vaccine, but we’ll never know if that was the cause. She screamed. She cried. She was inconsolable for long periods of the day and pretty much all the night, every night. Nothing we did seemed to help. We tried cutting things from diet. She was allergy tested. She was on all manner of drugs for presumed reflux. We saw numerous specialists. No one seemed to help. I lost track of the number of times we pitched up at the out of hours clinic convinced she must have something seriously wrong. How could any baby cry for that long without it being something serious? We rocked and jiggled and paced night after night, getting by on scraps of sleep. My husband would have to put her in the sling and pound the streets at midnight, 2am, 3am. Nothing would bring relief.
“It was like I’d taken a drug, but that drug was just no sleep.”
“Every day I felt I was losing myself more. I sunk into a horrible depression, made horrible worse by severe sleep deprivation. I wasn’t just tired I was horribly exhausted. I hallucinated sounds. I remember looking at the floor and seeing it wobble and stretch. It was like I’d taken a drug, but that drug was just no sleep.
“Everyone in the family was suffering. I became a really angry person. I lashed out at those I loved. Nobody could say a thing right and no one could possibly understand how I felt. I began developing coping mechanisms that were really unhealthy. I screamed into cushions, I punched cushions, I punched sofas, I ran into the garden at 4am and screamed into the night air. It’s so embarrassing to think of what I did now, but that’s the person I became. Eventually I started hurting myself. I punched brick walls and made my hands bleed. I started dragging my nails down my arms till they were raw and bleeding. It was part punishment for being what I considered a rubbish mum, and part that rush of a release of tension that I was dying for. I couldn’t stop my baby crying. I was not enough. I was failing daily.
“It was after one of these damaging myself sessions that my husband sat me down and begged me to stop and go to the GP. I felt numb and empty. I went. I had nothing to lose. As I sat there and sobbed I somehow managed to tell him the whole story. I was so numb I wasn’t even ashamed anymore. He diagnosed me with PND and going to the doctor was the best thing I could have done. That very act helped so much. It legitimised my feelings. I wasn’t mad, I was poorly.
“Luckily for me, things from there improved. My daughter gradually grew out of her undiagnosed issues. Sleep got slowly, oh so slowly, better. I never did use the prescription for medication. From there it wasn’t a walk in the park, but I could feel myself returning little by little each day.
“My kids are now 1.5 and 2.5, and do you know what…they actually sleep! I never ever thought I’d say that. The days I spent wishing, begging, longing for sleep! Well now more often than not, I get it. And I am grateful for that every day.”
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“Having had sleep and feeling better I now realise that my passions lie in helping other women who felt has bleak as I did back there. “Mum’s Back” is my social enterprise project that has literally just launched. We provide hampers purely for mum containing all the things she’s not been allowed whilst pregnant; wine, cheese, pate…you get the idea and £1 from every hamper goes to the PANDAS Foundation.”
To find out more about Sally’s enterprise visit www.mumsback.com. If you are struggling with PND do not hesitate to contact your GP, or seek support from PANDAS .
The post SURVIVOR STORY: From sleepless nights to social enterprise appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
March 21, 2017
The Last Time (Thank God For That)
THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)
This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.
This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time my nipples feel sore
When you suck and you suck and still you want more.
This may be the last time you need me at night
I should treasure the moment and just hold you tight
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I get up at half four,
Silently swearing as I walk to your door.
This may be the last time you cling to me all day
So I should make the most of being loved this way,
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I have to wipe a bum,
Or spend long days hearing MUMMY, MUMMY MUM?
This may be the last time you won’t go to bed,
I should stop rushing and read stories instead.
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last night I am stuck your room.
Wishing that I could shove you back inside my womb.
This may be the last time I spend the day,
Cherishing moments while I wish them away.
OH WHATEVER…I’M SO TIRED…
Last times come and go but memories we can keep
So my darling WILL YOU PLEASE GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP?
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It is for MUM AND DADS and it contains no advice whatsoever. However, if you have ever been kept awake by a baby then it might make you laugh!
You can read all about it here:
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The post The Last Time (Thank God For That) appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)
As it is World Poetry Day – I wrote a little poem (totally procrastinating from work)…
For anyone who has ever battled with feeling you should cherish the moment while simultaneously wishing it was over…
THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)
This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.
This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time my nipples feel sore
When you suck and you suck and still you want more.
This may be the last time you need me at night
I should treasure the moment and just hold you tight
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I get up at half four,
Silently swearing as I walk to your door.
This may be the last time you cling to me all day
So I should make the most of being loved this way
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I have to wipe a bum,
Or spend long days hearing MUMMY, MUMMY MUM?
This may be the last time you won’t go to bed,
I should stop rushing and read stories instead.
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last night I am stuck your room.
Wishing that I could shove you back inside my womb.
This may be the last time I spend the day,
Cherishing moments while I wish them away.
OH WHATEVER…I’M SO TIRED…
Last times come and go but memories we can keep
So my darling WILL YOU PLEASE GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP?
Feel free to share this or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..
My BOOK Sleep is for the Weak – How to survive when your baby won’t go the f**k to sleep is available to pre-order here (out in May)!!
It is for MUM AND DADS and it contains no advice whatsoever. However, if you have ever been kept awake by a baby then it might make you laugh!
You can read all about it here:
Subscribe to Blog via Email
Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Email Address
The post THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…) appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
March 8, 2017
How to quit mornings with kids
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Dear Children.
I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.
When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’.
However, it seems once again I was wrong and my expectations were a far cry from the reality of actually getting two small children up and ready for pre-school and school.
In fact, I soon discovered that the stress actually starts while you are still asleep. You see, if I am going to have a fighting chance of getting everyone in this house ready I have to get myself ready – which means, I NEED COFFEE. And I don’t mean the triple reheated kind accompanied by Nag and Whine. I mean a mug of hot caffeiney silence before the chaos begins. So I nervously sneak out of bed and tip toe into the kitchen and make a coffee like a fucking ninja. Then I sit down to watch the morning news like a normal person. Which is the exact moment when YOU my beloved children decide to CRASH MY NICE QUIET PARTY.
“Mummy, can I have a biscuit? Mummy, can you wipe my bum? Mummy, can I have a drink? Mummy, can I have the moon on a frigging stick?”
“It is too early for anything.” I tell you. “Go back to bed. You are not welcome here!” But you ignore my cries and instead this starts….
“CBEEBIES! CAN WE WATCH CBEEBIES?”
It is bad enough I have to listen to your annoying shouty child voices pre-coffee but there is NO WAY am I going to put up with Postman Pat too, so I stand firm.
“It is too early for Cbeebies. I am watching the news. You can watch CBeebies in a minute.”
*Three seconds later*
“CAN I WATCH CBEEBIES?”
“In a minute!”
*Two seconds later*
“CAN I WATCH CBEEBIES?”
‘No!”
*Another second later*
“CBEEBIES? CBEEBIES CBEEBIES”
”A minute is sixty seconds that was not even two seconds!”
“ONE, TWO, THREE FOUR, FIVE , SIX, SEVEN, SIXTY! CBEEBIES, NOW?”
“No they are dead. CBeebies are dead. All of them. Dead.”
At this point my darlings, you proceed to make so much noise I can’t hear the bloody news, which is of course, all part of your evil plan.
“FINE. WATCH CBEEBIES!” I tell you turning the TV over. “But if there is a bomb and we all die because we didn’t watch the news people telling us to vacate the area– do not blame me!”
“BOMBS! LET’S PLAY BOMBS!” *cue more loudness*
So I am forced to neck my cold coffee to the sound of ‘bombs’ and the Furchester theme tune before embarking on a daily game I like to call ‘SHOUT THINGS AT KIDS WHILE THEY IGNORE ME.’
“What do you want for breakfast? What do you want for breakfast? What do you want? BREAKFAST? WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. BLOODY. BREAKFAST?” For fucks sake it is not a difficult question??
“Come and get dressed, come and get dressed, come and get dressed! Fine we’ll go to school naked! Is that what you want? Is it? Fine. We will. COME AND GET DRESSED!”
“But you said we can go to school naked!” You whine. FFS.
“No, we can’t go to the park or the soft play or to Esme’s house or to Buckingham Palace! WHY? Because it may have ESCAPED YOUR NOTICE BUT WE ARE GOING TO BLOODY SCHOOL YOU DICKHEADS!”
“Clean your teeth, clean your teeth, clean your teeth. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.”
“HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP. WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE.”
“CLOTHES, TEETH, SHOES, COAT, HURRY UP! CLOTHES, TEETH, SHOES, COAT, HURRY UP” X 1000
In addition to all this, I was not pre-warned that the Morning Routine would also include a half hour long Get Your Pants On Chase, followed by a 20 minute Socks On Run and several bouts of the Toothbrush Into Mouth Wrestle.
I hope you understand my decision to take a break from what has turned out to be a very stressful job. If you have any questions on Mornings, feel free to get in touch but I will ignore you because well, I don’t care. There are clothes in the wardrobe, food in the cupboards and toothbrushes in the bathroom. I wish you luck for the future and I will be back once I am feeling less stabby.
Yours regretfully,
Mummy xxx
Feel free to share your morning stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. Find out more about the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain no advice whatsoever over here. OUT IN MAY!!!!
PS: Letting my daughter ‘do it herself’ in the morning (coat zip, car seat, put milk on her cereal) is one parenting lesson i learnt the hard way! I wrote about the others in the Metro this week
PARENTING LESSONS I LEARNT THE HARD WAY
I also wrote about libraries because I just LOVE a library. This is why..
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March 5, 2017
The Break Up
[image error]“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”
“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”
“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You gave me back my confidence and helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough. You brought me happiness and calm and I will always be grateful. But I no longer need you.”
“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away.
A few months ago I decided to end a long-term relationship. It was not an easy decision to make as despite a few ups and downs, we’d had a good few years together. But in my heart I knew that it was time to let go……
It has been a several months since I made the decision to ‘dump’ my anti-depressants. I started taking Sertraline when I found myself spiralling back into the darkness a few years ago. At the time I was severely sleep-deprived, taking care of a baby and toddler and overwhelmed with financial and personal stress. So although i really did NOT want to take drugs, I figured I needed all the help I could get. I didn’t want to slip back into the pit of depression I found myself when I had PND after the birth of my first child. I did not want to lose any more of motherhood to an illness. And thanks to a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and Sertraline, I didn’t. I got better and stronger and felt like I didn’t need the medication any more.
So a few months ago I decided it was time. I would go drug-free. But things didn’t quite go to plan…I was advised to keep a diary of my moods- so I did, although, I am not sure this is what the doctor had in mind! I didn’t plan to publish this story but as I am always banging on about the importance of talking about mental illness, I figured I better practise what I preach 
